The Bachelorette Review: We Are Super Excited to Be In New Jersey!
This week on The Bachelorette, we are told what will happen on the show, while we are watching the show. Is that really necessary? Clearly, I am already tuned in. Why do you have to inform me of what I am about to see in the next 3 minutes?
Also, the word of the day is “super.” Followed by “excited.” Some people are feeling super, while others are feeling excited, and many are “super excited” – but don’t worry – because everyone still finds everything “amazing.”
This week, Des and the boys have moved on in their “journey” (another favorite word) to the lovely Atlantic City, New Jersey, where the 13 remaining “men” unpack their things to live together in yet another Testosterone Mansion. Upon hearing the news that they will have a place on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City, Dummy Bryden exclaims “I’m super excited! Des is gonna be there!” Gee, ya think??? Isn’t she going to pretty much be everywhere, you dolt? Isn’t her being there pretty much the overall purpose of this entire show? But I digress . . . Ben is also “super excited!” and James says that he is “excited,” but apparently not “super” excited. Michael sticks with the safe and familiar, calling their new mansion “amazing.”
Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison shows up in yet another awful checkered yellow and green puke-looking shirt, announcing “there are just 13 of you left. Des sees one of you 13 as her husband.” Well, no shit. He then drops off the first date card, which is a one-on-one for Brad.
Des and Brad and A Whole Lot of Awkward . . .
We begin with Des and Brad giggling and having fun as they go on rides and play games at the Atlantic City boardwalk. Des says that she loves salt water taffy, and so they eat some. Then she smells chocolate, and they go on a search through some weird chocolate factory/store to find the source of the smell. Coming upon an assembly line of chocolate covered pretzels, still warm and gooey, Des and Brad feed one to each other and get chocolate all over their faces. Apparently nobody works at this store and nobody cares that these two idiots are running all over the place eating melty chocolate, and they can just do whatever they want. Later, as they have fun on the carousel Zak W. and the boys watch through their high-rise window like stalker creeps, whining that they aren’t the ones with Des, and hoping that she and Brad don’t make a connection.
Not to worry, boys. These two aren’t exactly the next Romeo and Juliet. There is more passion between two cotton balls sitting in a jar. As they sit inside a giant sand castle on the beach talking in vague, uninteresting dialogue, Brad exclaims, “This is, like, awesome!” Is it, Brad? Later, they have dinner inside a Lighthouse, which is one of the most awkward dinner dates I have ever seen. Several moments of uncomfortable silence occurs, followed them each looking down at their plates and inspecting their food items, one by one. “Hmmm, this seems to be roasted potato right here, and this looks like some asparagus,” Brad was probably thinking. Is the food on this show even real? Why doesn’t anyone ever actually EAT THEIR DINNER on these dinner dates? Anyway, after about 17 hours of non-talking and nervous laughing, Des makes a suggestion that they walk to the top of the lighthouse for the “amazing” view, which is sure to be amazing and super exciting. After walking up about a billion stairs , they get to the top, and Des manages to offer up a meek “Wow, it’s really pretty,” before she tells Brad that, basically, this ain’t gonna work out, and you need to leave now. No rose for you, loser. Brad has literally NO reaction to being sent home, and Des just sort of stands there and makes him head down the 18 billion steps all by himself. That made me sad, but that’s the kind of date you get when you name your son Maddox or Medix or whatever the hell his dumb name is.
Des and 11 Untalented Assholes …
Are you ready for yet another silly-ass, pointless group date in which these men are forced to do stupid things that make no sense in order to “prove their love” to Desiree? This date includes Brooks and his teeth, Dummy Bryden, Zack K, Kasey with a K, Drew, Juan Pablo (you have to say his name in a very overdone Spanish accent), Zak W, a grown man named Mikey, sleazy Ben, Michael, and Chris. Upon waiting for Des to arrive at the agreed upon location, Brooks says “Des is like a unicorn. She is here, and then she isn’t, and she just appears sometimes, and . . . yeah.” Dude, lay off the meds. What the f**k are you talking about? A UNICORN??? Really? Anyway, Drew says he is “super stoked” for whatever is in store, and then Pimp Daddy Harrison shows up along with the current Miss America, wearing her crown, because she wears it everywhere on earth. That is pretty much all she does. Walk around to different places and wear the crown. Anyway, because Miss America is celebrating some lame-ass anniversary of their existence, what better way to exploit that than to make these men compete in a “Bachelorette Mr. America” competition? Upon hearing this, Michael randomly says “I’ve always dreamed of competing, and now it’s a reality. This is all I can ask for in life.” Okay, seriously? Your life is complete now because you are competing in a fake competition put on by a fake reality-show? Dude, you need to get some better goals in life. Anyhoo, the reigning Miss America introduces the boys to their “pagent training coach” (come on now), some doofus named Chris Deen, who is the gayest and most effeminate man alive. He brings the men into the stage area where there are silly props for them to choose from for the “Talent” portion of the competition. Miss America then gives them practice questions for the “Interview” portion, and then they each are assigned a hideous pair of trunks/speedo for the “Swimsuit” portion. Mikey no like the fact that his bathing suit doesn’t show off enough of his man junk, and whines about it to the camera. The men are then told to get ready for the real competition, because it will be held LIVE in front of a studio audience right here in Atlantic City. Yippee!!!!!!!!
Chris Harrison hosts the competition, because really, what other hosting job will he ever get in life, other than hosting things are created by “The Bachelor/Bachelorette “ franchise. The judges for this trainwreck include Des herself, Miss America, and the Mayor of the city (because he doesn’t have better things to do or anything, like RUN AN ENTIRE CITY!!!!!!!). In the interview portion of the show, Michael is asked what women should know about men that they don’t already know, and he answers with some pointless crap about how “we have brains. We aren’t just a piece of meat. We cry. We aren’t just bodies.” Then for his “talent,” he stands on his head shirtless, poses all oiled up and half-nude, and shows off his pecs and muscles and chest to the audience. Gag. Other embarrassing highlights in the talent portion included Kelsey with a K doing some bullshit tap-dancing, Brooks and his teeth holding a ukulele, barely playing it, singing some random song, then taking out his anger for not being talented by smashing the ukulele, Bryden posing and thrusting his penis very close to the Mayor’s face, and Zak W. playing guitar and singing a song he wrote for Des. His song was the least embarrassing of all the performances, but that really isn’t saying much.
As for the Swimsuit Competition, it was just stupid. They walked back and forth across the stage in their ugly, tight, tacky swimwear, and that was pretty much it. I don’t know if that was supposed to be sexy or hot or something, but it was not. At all. It was sad.
As if it matters on any level, the “Winners”, who won absolutely nothing, were:
2nd Runner Up: Brooks and his teeth
1st Runner Up: Zak W.
Winner: Kasey with a K, who got to wear a horrible sash/ribbon around his neck, carry flowers, and wear a ridiculous looking king-hat. He looked like the Burger King guy.
Later on, there was a Group orgy . . . I mean . . . pool party. All the men tried again to get their private time with Des, and once again, Ben pissed off all the other guys because he sat by the pool with Des WITHIN SIGHT OF THE OTHER MEN!!!!! OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!! You would think that Ben had strangled each and every family member of these other guys, with the overdramatics and their reaction to this atrocity. They all lectured him on his “behavior” , and whined and bitched like teen girls about why he had to talk to Des sooooooooo close to them! Then Brooks threw a pillow in disgust and left the pool area. Ooooooooohhhh!!!! Zak W. finished his song to Des privately, and she gives him the rose at the end of the group date. The other men go home and cry and call their mommies.
Des and James and Manny and Jan and The Red Cross and The Goddamn Peace Corps and Other Things that Prove Our Show is Deep and That We Care …
Suddenly, during the second half of the show, it changed gears and they did their “let’s pretend we care about other people for a few minutes” game, where the producers blatantly exploit tragedies just to make themselves look good and charitable. Sigh. This time, they focused on Hurricane Sandy and the destruction done to the Jersey Shore. James and Des were whisked away in a helicopter along with some broad from The Red Cross, where they “looked down” on some of the harder hit neighborhoods, the whole time, making brilliantly deep and affected comments to one another such as “Wow” “Wow. Wow. Unreal. Wow.” “Crazy. Yeah. Wow” over and over and over. At one point, when they pass the famous roller-coaster sitting in the ocean, James says “Wow. That’s a roller coaster in the water. Wow.” Yes James. It is. Tomorrow we will learn our ABC’s.
After seeing things from above, they decide to stop and walk around a bit in Seaside Heights, where the Red Cross lady asks them if they’d like to meet with and talk to one of the local couples who lives there and was affected. So we then meet Manny and Jan, who are an older, sweet as hell couple, married 39 years, with nothing left but some walls and framework for a home. The older couple acts as if they are honored to meet Des , which I didn’t buy for a second. I highly doubt these people watch this show; they look much too smart for that sort of nonsense, and they don’t even have a TV since their house is pretty much destroyed and all. Nonetheless, I’m sure the producers said something like: “Look, here’s the deal. We are going to bring the Bachelorette to you, she is going to give you a couple of cool things, and in return, just keep saying how much you love her and how this is a huge honor.” Right. Anyway, Des “decides” (as if this whole thing wasn’t set up way ahead of time – do they think we are stupid?) that it would be great if she and James gave away their date to this deserving couple, since they recently spent their 39th anniversary in a shelter. So, out comes the limo, and Manny and Jan get inside for a night on the town, while Des and James hang out in a local bar and have pizza and beer. Everything is going wonderfully for them, and they are basking in the glow of their Mother Teresa-like goodness toward humanity, when suddenly, No Brain James decides to pick that moment to inform Des that in college, he cheated on his girlfriend. Really? This is the time to tell her you’re a cheater? And dude, it happened in college. Who cares?? Who goes around saying everything they did in college? Wasn’t everyone an ass in college? Silly.
Manny and Jan are quite adorable, I must say, and I find myself wishing that the entire show would just be about them from now on. As they sat there talking and getting emotional and saying how much they love one another, I got depressed and pissed off when the storyline went back to Des and No Brain. At the end of the night, the four of them enjoyed a private concert from Darius Rucker, where they danced the night away and got all romantic-like. I wonder if Manny and Jan will be using that Fantasy Suite later on . . .
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony:
During the cockblock . . . uh, I mean . . . cocktail party . . . Lots of dumb, little things happen. Bryden doesn’t feel that his feelings are where they need to be for Des. I don’t feel that his haircut is where it needs to be, but that’s a whole other story. Michael uses his time with Des to make up a list of reasons why he likes her, using words that begin with each letter of her name. This gets him a kissing session, and she says the list is “amazing.” Dummy Bryden and his awful haircut, tells the other men that if he is offered a rose tonight, he might not take it. Oh shut up – yes you will, dummy.
During the Rose Ceremony, Des once again gives Juan Pablo his rose by asking him in Spanish “Do you accept this rose?” Getting old, Des. Learn a new sentence in Spanish. How about “I’m white and I only keep you around because your name and accent sound sexy to me. If you were a boring white dude with no accent and your name was Bill, you would have been gone in Week One. Will you accept-o this rose-o??” All the men roll their eyes in silent disgust when Des calls Ben’s name. Brooks looks for the nearest pillow to throw, but he can’t find one, so he cries inside instead. Bryden accepts his rose, after making a huge deal about not knowing if his feelings were strong enough or not. Worry about how strong your brain is, dude. Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere and says his one line “Des. Gentlemen — this is the final rose tonight. Des – when you’re ready.” I bet he practices that line in his bedroom mirror at home nightly. Stands there in a cheesy suit just saying it over and over “This IS the final rose tonight. THIS is the final ROSE tonight. This is THE FINAL rose tonight. Dammit!!!! I’ll never be Tom Bergeron!!!!!!!!!!”
In the end, Zack K is sent home, because really, it’s just one Zak too many on the show. The dude took forever to leave – his exit included an elevator ride from the 45th floor, followed by some stairs, about 11 escalators, some walking, and then finally, the rejection limo, which was actually a cab this time.
Next Week, the remaining Dozen Douches go to Munich Germany, which I’m sure will be super exciting and amazing. By the way, before I end this review, wanted to be honest and upfront and let you all know that one time, back in junior high school, I cheated on an English test. Just thought you should know.
Season 9, Episode 4. Originally aired June 17, 2013