The Bachelorette Review: How Do You Say “This Show Sucks” In German?
This week, the gang of desperate men and one horny, confused gal head to Munich, Germany, cuz hey, why not? Munich is “the perfect place to fall in love” as is ANYPLACE ON EARTH that they happen to be on this show. A garbage can, a bowling alley, a prison cell – all perfect places to fall in love.
The gang of oiled-up muscle men are all very excited to be in Munich. DREW has never been and he is “excited.” BEN is also “excited” because he has never “crossed any of the oceans.” Who talks like these people? Apparently DESIREE is most excited of all, because she has never ever been to Europe. Pimp Daddy CHRIS HARRISON meets the boys in some sort of public square and attempts some German by greeting them with a hearty “Guuden Morden” which is some sort of weird, made-up version of Good Morning, I guess. He then informs the boys of this week’s events, as if they are any different than last week’s events. There will be another weird group date, a 1 on 1 date, and a 2 on 1 date, in which one dude will stay and the other will go home in the rejection limo to their mommy. Let the games begin . . .
Back at the German Weiner-Shnitzel Mansion of Testosterone, Dummy BRYDEN with his awful name and inexcusable haircut, is still yapping on and on from last week’s episode about his apparent non-feelings for DES. “I don’t know if Im as far along as I should be. Blah blah blah. I wanted to tell her last week but there was no time, and now its like I put a band-aid over a deeper wound.” Oh Christ. Dude, you are an IRAQ WAR VETERAN!!! You’ve been to WAR! Get a hold of yourself! He tells James that he wants to go home to his mommy, and that he apparently needs to tell Des this information RIGHT THIS SECOND, while she is on her one-on-one date with Chris. Because, you know . . . this kind of thing can’t wait or anything. Well, it can, but the producers don’t like it when things are going too smoothly.
DES AND CHRIS AND INTERRUPTING DUMMY WHO NEEDS TO GO HOME RIGHT THIS SECOND:
So the 1 on 1 date goes to Chris, and he is simply “jacked” for it. I bet he was using that word as a verb, and I bet he did some jacking before this date happened. And after. And probably during. Anyways, Des is also excited, but not jacked. The two crazy kids go touring through Munich, running through street fairs and trying on silly clothing. They laugh to each other as they attempt to read from German phrase books and fail epically, and Chris is having such a wonderful time, he emphatically states into the camera that “nothing could go wrong.” Which, of course, means that something is about to go wrong, and that something is named Bryden, and he is wandering the streets of Munich with a camera-crew following him as he asks total strangers on the street, “Hey have you guys seen a camera crew anywhere?” Yeah, right behind you, you numbskull. Des and Chris are literally SKIPPING in the public square, when Bryden says to the camera, “I hope I don’t ruin those guys’s date.” Those guys’s??? Nice english, first of all. Second of all, ruin their date of skipping madness and euphoria? Don’t be silly Bryden. The only thing you have ruined is your hair.
After just the right amount of overdramatic music and stalling tactics, interrupting Dummy finally locates the two skipping whackos, and stops their skipping long enough to steal Des away for a few minutes, as poor pathetic Chris is left behind, sitting on some steps alone. Bryden tells Des that his feelings are not where they should be, makes it all sound very dramatic, and says “so I’d like to go home.” Des basically responds with an “Okay then. See ya later.” and sheds a few tears, then heads back to Chris and leans on his supportive shoulders over two of the largest beers I’ve ever seen in my life. No more skipping.
Eventually, DES and CHRIS have their nighttime portion of their date, which is the typical romantic dinner followed by mildly serious conversation. Chris tells the camera that “tonight is gonna be awesome. I don’t have to worry about my bedtime, or brushing my teeth, or anything.” What??? Bedtime? Brushing your teeth? What are you, 10? Where do they come up with this stuff? He then reads Des another one of his horrid poems, and she gets all moist and gives him the rose. He then states that Des is everything he is looking for because she is “comical and knows how to throw a football.” Yes, those are two very important qualities for a life-long marriage. You MUST be able to throw a football. Their date ends with some lame pianist/singer I’ve never heard of giving them a private concert, cuz this show loves private concerts.
DES AND JUAN PABLO AND JAMES AND ZAK AND KASEY WITH A K AND DREW AND GROWNMAN NAMED MIKEY AND BROOKS AND HIS TEETH AND SKIING AND YODELING:
When in Germany – ski!!! And Yodel!!! Des once again skips to the location of where she is forcing the men to ski and sled down the highest peak in Germany. On the gondola ride to the mountain, they all react tothe view with lots of “Wow wow wow wow wow oh my god wow wow”. Once at the mountain, they run into an old man who is yodeling, and they all laugh in delight and wonder. Then they see the huge hill and sleds, and act like a bunch of pussies instead of men, and seem frightened by the whole thing. Mikey no like the big hill and says “this is no bunny hill.” No it’s not Mikey, and you are an adult man. ZAK W (can we stop with the W? THe other Zack is gone, it’s no longer necessary) says ”love is like sledding down a ski-hill.” Is it, Zak? Is it really? Everyone snowball fights and giggles. THey go into an ice-castle igloo and drink more beer and eat pretzels. Each dude gets his moment with Des during the date. BROOKS uses his to shove his giant teeth once again into her larynx. She really loves those teeth in her throat. She can’t seem to get enough. Mikey feels he deserves the rose because he and Des start to make a snowman family together, when they are rudely interrupted by ZAK, who is yodeling at the top of his lungs for Des to notice him. She laughs like it’s the funniest thing on earth, and Mikey no like this. “This singing jackass is really grinding my gears!” WHOAH MIKEY!!!! Watch your saucy language!!! When Des goes off with JAMES, all the men freak out, because they now suddenly hate James. Teeth goes and spies on them, and then later, Teeth gets the rose. Those are some powerful teeth.
Meanwhile, at Weiner Castle, Drew tells the boys that JAMES is not here for the right reasons, after overhearing a conversation he had with Kasey with a K. James is apparently looking to gain fame from the show (NOOO!!!!! HOW SHOCKING!!!) and thinks he can make it to the final 4 and become rich and famous. They all make a plan to somehow tell Des about this.
DES AND MICHAEL AND A GOOD CHRISTIAN AND THE MOST AWKWARD DATE OF ALL TIME:
Michael, who hasn’t combed his hair in 20 years, and Ben, who is just trying to be a good christian boy, are pegged against one another in the dreaded 2 on 1 orgy . . . I mean . . . date. They obviously hate one another, so of course the producers make them be the two to go on the date where one of them goes home and one stays. Michael wants to expose Ben as a phony, and Ben just wants to be a good christian, which he states a minimum of 17 times to the camera. The three start out their awkwardness in bathing suits on a hot tug boat, which is a hot tub boat in water. Michael grills Ben about his son and how long its been since he has seen him, and Des gets extremely uncomfortable. What I really wish would happen is that Michael would throw Ben overboard, but that wouldn’t be very christian. Then, during dinner and when they are out of the water, Michael grills Ben even more by questioning his faith and his sincerity as a father, saying “you didn’t go to church on Easter, and you didn’t talk to your son on Easter.” Ben looks like he is seconds away from committing a homicide, so he excuses himself and then begins to talk to the stonewall outside, to prevent himself from murdering Michael and losing his christian crown. Des goes out to check on him. They each get private time with Des, and Michael uses his to tell her that Ben is a fraud. Des believes him, and gives Michael the rose, sending Ben home. He angrily leaves the table and says “Fuck this!” and finally, that Christian boy cracks. In his rejection limo ride home, he really cracks, saying “Lets get drunk tonight. How long before I can be seen with some alcohol?” Wow dude. Looks like you need to get yourself to the nearest church.
NO COCKBLOCK PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY:
Des decides that she already knows who is going home, so there will be no chance for anyone to cockblock anyone else and have a cocktail party. Des tells Harrison that she trusts all the remaining men, and meanwhile, the men all have a plan to tell her that James is also a fraud. Except they can’t, because she doesn’t let them, and she sends MIKEY home to his mommy and his snacktime and his naps. Mikey no like this and no understand, and all the men are sad and baffled that James is still there, when they know he is not there for the “right reasons.” The End.
Season 9, Episode 5. Originally aired June 24, 2013