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The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: How Many Joes Does It Take to Haunt A Castle?

RHONJ - 1st image - Season 5When we first met Joe and Melissa Gorga a few seasons ago, I wasn’t sure how they would fit into the dynamic of this series, which seemed to revolve around the Laurita-Manzo clan. But cut to two years later, and the show would probably not exist at all anymore without the nonstop tension between Teresa and her brother. This week, the drama that’s been building between these warring families fully boils over to show us how it’s really done when two Joes decide to bring the Jersey on each other.

Naturally, for Teresa and her brother Joe to embark on a trip so they can rediscover their love for one another, they need a Bon Jovi-sized tour bus, 40 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage, and scores of other people including Rosie, Kathy, and Richie. OH, and a few shelves of vodka.

Notably absent from the trip are the Manzos and Lauritas. Caroline and Albert are too busy going for a casual stroll through a park in a sleet storm, which is totally normal. This is part of their commitment to their child-free semi-retirement, which they continually remind each other that they are enjoying. They do this by saying things that sound like, “This is our fun semi-retirement. It’s fun, right? Yes, I think this is called fun.”

Jacqueline spends her non-castle week adding a comment to Twitter about how she argued with a moron recently. Teresa tries to drag that into every conversation at the castle, but Richie aptly points out that Jacqueline didn’t actually say Teresa’s name in the Tweet. Therefore, it’s obvious that every time Teresa sees the word “moron,” she assumes that someone is talking about her. And typically she’s right.

Those Poor, Doomed ‘Relationship Experts’
Back at the castle, Joe Giudice reminds us that he’s “not a doctor,” but shares his medical opinion anyway about his belief that Jacqueline is too hung up on her son’s autism. He doesn’t understand why, considering that in his expert opinion, autism isn’t even a serious disease, since “some of them are like, scientists.” Teresa smartly shuts him down and the subject is quickly changed to the upcoming events that await them with the professional team builders, who happen to be a white-bread married couple that Melissa aptly nicknames “Opie and Little Miss Sunshine.” Clearly, these two team builders are about to get ripped to shreds faster than a cube of Italian mozzarella.

The team building exercises initially consist of a low-rent game of Twister that’s so exhausting it prompts Joe Giudice to fetch his deodorant because he “smells like scallions.” But it quickly escalates to Teresa and Kathy arguing over whether Jacqueline is the cause of the distance between Teresa and her brother or not. The team building couple is, by this point, trying to blend into the Laura Ashley wallpaper because they are clearly overpowered by the force that is the Gorga-Giudice family.

By the time Melissa drops to her knees and bows to Teresa begging for forgiveness for their past fights, the team building couple is basically grabbing their hats and coats and catching the next Greyhound back to Maine or wherever they hopscotched out of to get to the castle. With those two limp squids not daring to actually serve as referees, Joe calls his sister “scum,” which she immediately reports to Joe Giudice, who had been enjoying a leisurely scotch on the porch with Rosie.

Juicy Joe wastes no time charging from the porch to the room where Joe Gorga is standing, and takes a flying leap to do a Ram Slam into Gorga. They both fall to the floor and start throwing punches before the screen goes black and we hear Teresa yell “Call the cops!”

Considering that Juicy has priors, it will be interesting to see how this fight shakes out and whether charges are pressed. Until then, we’ll always have our fond memories of that weekend at the castle!

Season 5, Episode 7: When Joes Collide (originally aired July 14, 2013)

For more The Real Housewives of New Jersey, check out our other reviews.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Tommy Garcia/Nino Munoz/Bravo.

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