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The Bachelorette Review: Hometown Dates, but. . . is this crap over yet???

822xMaybe because Saturday was the second anniversary of my husband’s death, and I’m therefore bitter ¬†about watching these shallow, ridiculous people trying to “find love,” or maybe it is just because this show IS shallow and ridiculous, but whatever the reason – I have had just about enough of these boring fools and cast of silly-ass goons. Des and her odd way of wording every sentence, always stressing the oddest word, Brooks and his enormous teeth’s mysterious hold on Desiree, Zak and his cartoon-character face and his goofy persona, Drew and his perfectness (come on – he has to be a hired actor – nobody is this perfect), and of course, Chris and his awful and endless poetry. Let’s not forget the ringmaster of this pointless circus – Pimp Dadddy Chris Harrison and his stupid roses and fantasy suite. It’s enough already. We get it. Everything and everyone is amazing, everyone is in love, and falling in love on various islands is the most amazing thing in the world. Can we just skip ahead to the part where someone proposes, and then a month later, they break up forever? Cool.

This week were the hometown dates, and Des met the families of the four remaining suckers:

DES AND ZAK IN DALLAS:

So Des and Zak sat on a bench in his hometown of Dallas Texas, and in order to prep Des for meeting his family, he randomly tells her about some weird-ass dream he had. “We were together and then we were melting, like we disappeared. But then we were frozen and everything was ice, but we had cups so we drank the ice from the cups. Then all these kids came out of nowhere and danced around us and we didn’t melt.” Dude, what the f**k are you on??? Des looked baffled as all hell, and told the camera she “couldn’t follow” what Zak was talking about. Neither could most of the human race. Next up on his list of weirdness, Zak pulls up in the family snow cone truck (yes, you heard that right) and they both make snow cones for about 40 random little kids that show up. Yay!!! After this fun, Zak returns in a creepy penguin suit to scare the crap out of the children, and make sure Des doesn’t choose him to fall in love with. She keeps telling the camera that Zak is “so spontaneous and positive, and has such a positive outlook” but ¬†no mention of having any actual FEELINGS for the guy. He is totally going home.

His family is also a bunch of loons. His sister expresses to the camera that she is afraid that her brother will get hurt. The mom says she has NEVER seen the kind of chemistry Des and Zak seem to have. Seriously? Where? What chemistry? I see no such thing. Later, Zak gives Des a promise ring, because they are 14 years old and all. It symbolizes his feelings for her and that he loves her, which he tells her. She makes a sound like “Awwwww!” like he is a puppy. Just when things can’t get any more embarrassing, Zak’s entire family sings to Des, the very song that Zak wrote for her just weeks ago. He plays guitar as his brother and sister both chime in with their verses, and Des starts tearing up, because she is thinking about the fact that she is hours away from sending this singing snow cone Penguin Dork back home in the Rejection Limo.

DES AND DREW AND SCOTSDALE TOO:

Drew has a severely handicapped adult sister, Melissa. He has a recovering alcoholic father who is now an amazing man and works with AA, and he has divorced parents who get along wonderfully and respect and love one another. Oh, and he looks exactly like a young Tom Cruise when he smiles his dimpley smile. This man is too perfect and kind and saint-like. I’m not sure yet where they found him, but something is amiss for this show. He is not nearly douchey enough to be on this show. How the hell can this guy not find love? Anyway, Drew and Des go pick up his sister Melissa, and bring her home to the parents house where he tells his mommy that Des is his soul mate. Oh man, I really like this guy. I’m going to be upset when she dumps his ass for noncommittal TEETH. Drew’s dad asks Des if she believes in angels, and she says yes. He says have you ever met one, and she says no. He says that Melissa is an angel and now Des has met one. She really needs to marry into this perfect family. Before they leave each other, Drew tells Des that he loves her – four times in a row. He just keeps saying it, like a hiccup. Man, I feel so bad for this guy.

DES AND CHRIS AND MCMINNVILLE:

Please , if there is a God in heaven, no more poetry from this douche. He takes her to a local baseball field where he played as a kid, and he gets all hot and bothered when he finds out she can actually play. Then she makes him a picture book like they are 5 years old. At the house, Des meets the family, and creepy chiropractor Dad promptly takes her down into his office in the creepy basement, and makes her lie on her back with her butt up in the air while he massages her back and neck. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!! Then Dad and Chris have a creepy conversation while Dad gives Chris some sort of nose adjustment that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. He is lying there with some instrument up his nostrils, and his dad is telling him to blow his nose into a tissue, and they are discussing his love for Des. Weird as hell. The mom is even more strange. She is like an alien from another planet, and I didn’t comprehend one thing she said. Run far away from this family, Des.

DES AND TEETH TAKE SALT LAKE CITY:

He tells the camera again that he doesn’t know how he feels about Des yet. Then they go canoeing, and somehow this makes him and his teeth more sure than ever that he likes her after all. His family is so huge in siblings that they wear name tags so Des can keep track of who is who. Later, Teeth gets mommy’s approval of Des and feels a bit better. Des tells Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison later that she is in love with Brooks, and that she knows this will end in a proposal by Brooks. Really? I don’t think so honey. All those clips of you crying your head off from next week’s episode lead me to believe that Brooks takes his teeth and goes home. Then Des talks to her stupid-ass brother who made trouble last year by being rude to Shawn – now Des is afraid he will do the same thing to Teeth and the gang and drive them away.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Zak goes home. Shocking. Yawn. He will have to get comfort from his mommy and the snow cone truck. Des gives him back his ring, and they have an awkward dialogue on the bench outside before she puts him in the loser limo. Once he gets in, he throws the ring out the window and whines “What happened?” all the way home.

NEXT WEEK: Ah, who cares?

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Episode 8, originally aired July 15, 2013

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