The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Babies & Crazies

RHONJ - 1st image - Season 5This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was essentially “kid overload,” with the focus on the “Real Children of New Jersey.” But before we get into the highlights, we need to discuss the plastic surgery overload that’s been taking place among the cast members. In addition to the weight loss surgeries of Albert and Lauren, we’ve also seen Teresa get breast implants, Kathy get a nose job, and Jacqueline get more Botox than Joan Rivers. This week, Jacqueline jets off to California for a tummy tuck and neck lift…with future plans to get her eyelids jacked up as well. Soon, we’ll be watching “The Real Melted Crayons of New Jersey.”

Onward to the review! As the show opens, Teresa and Jacqueline meet to discuss being civil to one another, while Chris and Juicy Joe chat in the next room to reestablish their friendship as well. All parties involved discuss the challenges of Jacqueline’s autistic son Nicholas, which just feels a little bit like it should be off-limits. I hate that no one has asked Jacqueline “What can we do to help take the pressure off of you?” or anything along those lines. But then again, look who we’re dealing with.

Meanwhile, Joe Gorga takes his goddaughter/niece Gia out to a go-karting match, which seems like lots of fun until he asks her “How’d you like looking at my ass?” I’m sure he meant that he was beating her at go-kart racing…but coming from him, it just sounded wrong. Over a pretzel snack, Gia parrots her mother by browbeating her Tio Joe about how he was the villain in the sibling rivalry and her mother was the victim. We even had a flashback to the unfortunate rap she wrote about the nutcases in her family, which she performed at a party a few years ago.

Then the group gets all of the kids together for an outing to a Zumba-thon fundraiser. Right in front of the children, Teresa announces that she gets called a “psycho bitch” all the time but she didn’t appreciate Jacqueline calling her a sociopath since she doesn’t know what it means. For some reason, the bus they’re taking to their destination has a stripper pole in it, and Melania begins riding the pole announcing “I’m Melissa!” Everyone laughs, because it’s funny to have a four-year-old in on the joke that her aunt may have been a three dollar stripper.

Ashlee Gets De-Clawed

When Jacqueline arrives in Beverly Hills for her tummy tuck, she’s reunited with her daughter Ashlee, who actually does seem to be reformed, even though I was initially skeptical. She talks her mother out of getting an unplanned eyelid lift, and advises Jacqueline to slow down on the pre-surgical boozing. It’s definitely a pleasant surprise to see Ashlee when she isn’t throwing a teen tantrum.

And lest we forget who the most babied kids of this series are, we get a glimpse of what life is like for two guys whose parents (and Uncle Chris) fund their every whim, from stripper car washes to opaque water to restaurant grand openings. They throw a farewell party for their roommate Greg, who is moving to San Francisco (because, unlike the Manzos, he has to work for a living). Chris wistfully notes that he would love to leave the nest, but he isn’t able to. The unspoken text here is that if he actually left New Jersey, he would have to get an actual job that isn’t funded by his parents.

I guess the silver lining on this episode is that at least the kids weren’t the ones getting plastic surgery. Sad that I was even thinking this might be a possibility…but pretty much anything goes with the Jersey gals!

Season 5 Episode 11: Children of the Scorned (originally aired on August 11, 2013).

For more The Real Housewives of New Jersey, check out our other TV reviews.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Tommy Garcia/Bravo.

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