Fantasy ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Cast


It is almost that time once again! Time for yet another exciting season of everybody’s favorite Ballroom cheese-fest celebration: Dancing with the Stars. And the only thing I can think of that is even more thrilling than the 47th season (give or take) of this awesomeness starting, is the announcement of who will be in this season’s celebrity cast. A few names have already been leaked, including Valerie Harper, who is rumored to be in early rehearsals for the show, despite her diagnosis of Stage 4 Terminal Brain Cancer, which is apparently currently in remission. It is absolutely incredible to me that she would take on this kind of physical challenge, remission or not. She is a true inspiration. Even more incredible is the buzztalk that Jersey Shore‘s Snooki will be amongst the dancing stars. (Incredible that anyone would refer to her as a star).

The official, full-cast will be announced live on September 4 during Good Morning America. But why wait until then? Why not have some fun right now, and come up with our own ideal cast? I am sure you have heard of Fantasy Football. Well, this is Fantasy DANCE! Ladies and gentlemen – I proudly present to you – my Fantasy Cast for a future season of Dancing with the Stars. Put this group of people together, and you’d have yourself a classic TV trainwreck each and every week, and what’s better than that?

Here we go. In my Fantasy Cast, Tom Bergerson` would remain as host, because he is awesomeness. Brooke Burke can also stay, but only if I get to co-host with Bergeron, and trade witty banter back and forth together. So, yeah – I just made myself co-host. Hey, it’s my fantasy. And now, here is the rest of my fantasy cast – in no particular order:

DONALD TRUMP: Because he would be so obnoxious, so pompous, and it would be so much fun to watch people vote him off. It would also be classic if his hairpiece fell off during a Pasa Doble, or if we saw footage of him during rehearsals pushing his own pathetic brands; like drinking TRUMP bottled water, or wearing a TRUMP robe. Also, I picture him being an absolutely awful dancer, so that would be hilarious in itself. Also hilarious would be if, upon his being voted off, host Tom Bergeron would come up with another one of his classic witty lines and tell him: “Donald Trump – YOU’RE FIRED!”

SCHNEIDER: I’m not going to bother to look up the dude’s name who played this character on the TV sitcom ONE DAY AT A TIME, because it’s so much funnier to just refer to him as SCHNEIDER. Remember this douche? He was the “super” or the “building maintenance guy” on the show, yet all he ever did was show up at the Romano residence and creepily stare at Ms. Romano’s 2 pre-teen daughters. I don’t think this guy has ever fixed a toilet in his life. Anyway, if he was in the DWTS cast, people could only refer to him as Schneider, and he would have to wear overalls and perform a Tango with a toilet-leaking theme. What could be more humiliating or entertaining than that?


GEORGE W. BUSH: He is basically a cartoon character in motion, and so he would be perfect for this show. Can you just see him doing a country-themed Foxtrot with Cheryl Burke to some horrid Travis Tritt song about America and Jesus and pickup trucks? It would be glorious. And then to hear his silly giggle during the interviews with Brooke Burke backstage – priceless.

JUDGE JUDY: Whoever her professional dance partner was would have the worst time getting her to do anything or take any of it seriously. “Okay Judy, bend your knees more, pick up your frame.” “This is stupid. Don’t be an idiot. I dont have time for this nonsense. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining! I’ve got things to do!” The best would be her reactions to negative comments from the judges – like Len. She would probably end up telling him off and confusing him into silence.

LADY GAGA: Just imagine the costume fun. You think the outfits they put these people in on the show are nuts? Wait til you see Gaga, who brings along her very own costume crew and designers. They tell her to wear this beautiful blue evening gown for an Argentine Tango? No thanks. She chooses to go with metal pants, shoes made of glass, and an ironing board atop her head.


ALF: The first ever puppet on Dancing with the Stars. Can you imagine? I would love to see ALF dance the Cha-cha-cha, or a lovely pretty emotional number
TANYA HARDING: Don’t let her use any props. And America – you best be calling up and voting for her, or we may have an attempted murder happen live on the air, during the results show. And please don’t give her any themed-routines involving pipes.that brings the house down, when he gets romantic with his pro dancer. Or Carrie Ann Inaba. In between dance routines, he would be cracking the place up, of course, with his insane cat humor and general wackiness. And because he is so small, his female partner could perform lifts and jumps with him, high into the air. It would be amazing. Or an epic fail. Either way, it’s gold.

PAMELA ANDERSON: Oh wait. That trainwreck already happened. My bad.

OZZY OSBOURNE: Nobody would have the slightest clue what the hell he is talking about. Except maybe Judge Bruno Tonioli, since nobody has the slightest clue what HE is talking about either. I would love to see Ozzy attempting a gorgeous ballroom dance to the theme from “Ice Castles” or something. Holy crap would that be funny. His pro partner would just have to lead him around the stage like a dog on a leash, telling him where to go next and what to do. If he won, it would be even better, because he probably wouldn’t even understand what on earth is even happening. “Where am I? Who are you people? I have to poop. SHARON!!!!!”

MERYL STREEP: Why? Because I’m convinced that Meryl Streep can do anything on earth. Become a coal-minor? Sure! Brain surgeon? Why not? President of the United States? Okay! Perform a Waltz that receives a perfect score of 10′s across the board? Win DANCING WITH THE STARS? No problem! And the best part is that she would do it all in that “Who, ME?” innocent Meryl Streep way.

RICHARD SIMMONS: His mere presence would be ridiculous and annoying, and he would walk around in those stupid exercise shorts of his that are about 9 sizes too tight. I also think his perkiness and his loudness would just annoy everyone so much, that he would get kicked off quite soon. I am not sure he is capable of dancing for an entire 90 seconds or 2 minutes without yapping his mouth and talking nonstop either.

dave richard fire

DAVID LETTERMAN: He would be there to mock Richard Simmons and tell him to “put some damn clothes on, and why are you all oiled up?” Also, Letterman NEVER leaves his house. Like, never. He drives from Connecticut to NYC to do his show daily, then drives back home. He rarely participates in the world of celebrity and Hollywood. It would be absolutely hilarious to see him on a show like this, and his sarcasm during rehearsal footage would be epic.

PRINCE: I don’t even think I have to comment on why this would be beyond insane and wonderful on every level. Take weird, add some bizarre, plus a dab of crazy and genius – and there ya go. Plus, it’s PRINCE!!!

JUSTIN BIEBER: Because he is on the verge of a major meltdown and has had an attitude problem for awhile now, wouldn’t it be fun to watch it happen live on national television, in the middle of a Tango? Imagine if he was dancing with Karina Smirnoff, and just randomly stopped and began pissing all over the Mirror Ball Trophy? Or started claiming that Anne Frank would have given him a score of 10 on his routine, because she would have been a huge fan of his today? Fantastic.

THE CHICK FROM “SMALL WONDER”: Again, I’m not going to look up her actual name, because Im not interested in the actress coming on the show, Im interested in the character Vicky coming on the show. If you recall this horrendous 1980s sitcom, it was about a girl named Vicky who was actually a robot. The premise of this show was the most ridiculous and non-believable thing ever: you see; father Ted Lawson creates a robot. So the family, Ted, Joan, and Jamie, keep Vicki’s identity secret and pretend that she is their daughter, and human. Like I said, stupidest show premise ever. But if we could somehow turn back time (as Im sure Cher still also wants to do, to a time about 15 faces ago) and keep Vicki as the child robot she was back then, she would be my last and final cast member for this dream fantasy show. A robot. And she would have to wear that silly robot dress every single week.

small wonder

NICOLAS CAGE: Okay, I lied. He is my last cast member. Because Nicolas Cage is cast in everything on the planet, so he HAS to be cast in this.

That was fun. Now you try it. Who would YOU put in your dream cast? Leave your comment below ……

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