And so … It’s finale time! We have Bryan Voltaggio in one corner: older, wiser, more restrained (per brother, Michael: “conservative”), with incredible technique. In the other corner, we have Michael Voltaggio: younger, edgier, self-described risk-taker and closest Tony Hawk look-a-like. Finally, in the last corner of our Top Chef equilateral Triangle of Culinary Death, we have Kevin: southerner, beard aficionado, pork-lover and the King of Simple Food. It is a battle we saw coming from the very beginning, especially when Jennifer started to implode. In fact, one might call this, the finale, the only episode worth watching. Okay, last week wasn’t that bad either, but we knew it would come down to these three anyway, right?

For the final challenge, the chefs must cook a three course meal, with three hours of prep on the first day and three hours to cook on the day of service. First twist: the first course will use ingredients from a mystery box. I actually like this twist, as it should be a good measure of creativity and skill. Noted: none of the chefs share my enthusiasm. In the box are the following items: Pacific Rockfish, Dungeness crab, kabocha squash, meyer lemon, matsutake mushroom, and anise hyssop.

Second course is a dish of the chefs’ choosing, and the final course is dessert. It did not occur to Kevin to use his time off to perfect a dessert … just in case. I hate it when the contestants always gripe about cooking dessert and not having a strong one in their arsenal. You know this is a potential challenge, folks. Bryan feels every chef should have at least one pastry in his repertoire, and he hasn’t even met me and he’s awesome, ergo … I am awe– Okay, sorry. I’m on a lot of cold meds right now.

Second twist! The chefs will have two sous chefs – one to help with prep, and the other to help cook. Enter all of the eliminated contestants, including Jennifer, Robin, and Hector (my fave). The three finalists draw knives to find out who they are stuck with have the honor of cooking with, and we have: Bryan with Ashley (prep) and Jennifer (cook); Michael with Jessie (prep) and Eli (cook); and Kevin with Preeti (prep) and Ash (cook).

Kevin’s usual sunny disposition hits a rough patch. Look at his sous chefs, after all. Preeti sets him back and ruins his good mood with her poor, slow prep. He manages to remain civil, but it’s an effort, even for him. Meanwhile, Bryan and Michael fly through their first day, further discouraging Kevin.

The mystery box proves a problem for the chefs, especially Michael, who struggles until the day of service to pull together a dish. Kevin’s only problem is the mushroom, as he’s not familiar with the ingredient.

On day two, Kevin’s adjusted his ‘tude, disappointed that he let Preeti’s power of suckage hold any sway over him. Then it’s … Third Twist! A knock at the door over morning coffee reveals not Padma (as anticipated) but instead Mama Kevin and Mama Voltaggio. Surprise! Kevin tears up and Bryan practically glows. He could not be happier that his mother is buttoning his shirt. Michael plays aloof when she adjusts his shirt cuffs, but you know he’s soaking it up. Because, you know, he has to.

Then it’s off to Cyrus Restaurant. Colicchio greets the chefs for … Fourth twist! This is practically an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Or an episode of Sunny. Anyway, the chefs must honor their mothers by cooking a fourth dish, in this case the first dish, which must be inspired by the mothers that the boys are honoring. Get it?

Bryan makes something with sardines for a play on tuna casserole, which I made all the time as a kid when my mom was working. I mean all the time. My brothers and sisters gag at the thought of it now. Kevin fries the skin of a chicken, which I feel would have great possibilities, but not before it gives me a coronary. Michael, who hated vegetables (I hear you, brother), makes popcorn broccoli.

Service. Fifth Twist! The mothers are seated at the table and will taste their sons’ mother-inspired dishes. As the judges (Padma, Colicchio, Gail and Toby) and assorted diners (including Douglas Keane, Bill Terlato, Donatella Arpaia, and Stephen Starr, among others) praise Kevin’s first course and bash the Voltaggios’, Mama V starts to panic (and tries sardines for the first time). Then Padma dismisses the mothers from the table so we can really get this party started. The dismissal is as weird as it sounds.

Then it’s to the heart of the meal. The menus first:  Kevin starts with rockfish in duck fat, roasted matsutake, roasted crab broth; then slow cooked pork belly, roasted broccoli & brussel sprouts, caramelized ham jus; and finishes for dessert, roasted banana, chocolate bacon mousse, and peanut bacon brittle.

Michael second course is butter poached rockfish, tomato-kombu sauce, sweet & sour salad; then fennel-scented squab, pistachio cassoulet, textures of mushrooms; and for dessert, chocolate caramel coulant, with butternut squash ice cream.

Bryan starts with sous vide rockfish, diced matsutake, with meyer lemon jam; next is venison saddle, brussel sprouts, sunchokes, maple-glazed carrots; finally, for dessert, sheep’s milk & white chocolate “dulce de leche” cheesecake, dry caramel, fig sorbet, poached pear.

In general, Bryan’s dishes lacked seasoning, tended to be conservative, and showed great technique. His dessert especially shows a lot of skill and finesse. Though all of his food proves to be delicious, Gail comments that nothing is inspiring.

Kevin’s mystery dish suffered from poorly cooked mushrooms, though the rest of the dish excelled. His pork disappoints a few of the diners for being undercooked, and Colicchio feels that he could have pushed the envelope a bit more. The judges and diners disagree over the use of bacon in the dessert, and Tom would have liked to have seen more creativity.

Michael served creative, well-seasoned dishes with great textures – though some aspects were “a gimmick.” What dooms him is his dessert, which Eli improperly prepared and then Michael overcooked. All of the judges remark on its dryness, and Colicchio calls it “almost a very good dessert.”

Before Judges’ Table, Kevin’s proud of his meal and for pulling it out after a tough start. Bryan’s confident with his dishes, but Michael fears that his dessert will ruin his chances for the win, as his worst dish was the last plate served to the judges.

At the Table, much of the comments are repeated, with a number of disagreements among the judges about seasoning, personal preferences, and lots of praise for each of the chefs. They all had high notes as well as low ones, and this will come down to who has the most glaring flaws.

After the exchange of comments, Padma asks each chef to explain why he should be Top Chef. Bryan expressed his cuisine all season long with his choices and style of cooking. Michael says, “I just don’t want Bryan to be Top Chef.” Good night, everybody! After the laughter stops, Michael explains that his emotions are in his food, and this is his life. Kevin has cooked food that is soulful and speaks to the kind of person that he is.

Good speeches, but over deliberation, none of that matters. The judges continue to argue over the same issues, reiterate the same disagreements and eventually hammer out a decision. Bring them back out, and Kevin … you are not Top Chef. He exits sadly.

And now, it’s down to the two Voltaggios, and again – is anyone surprised by this? Ultimately, it’s declaration time, and the Top Chef is … Michael Voltaggio! Mama V comes out to hug her boy, and after a nice long embrace, he pulls back with red, teary eyes. He turns to Padma and says, “there’s the emotion you’ve been looking for.” If only we’d seen some of this personality earlier in the season.

And there we are! The problems with this season mainly had to do with casting – though we definitely watched the strongest group in a long while, except for Jennifer all of the women were noticeably weaker than all of the men, which was a great disappointment. The Voltaggios, Kevin, and Jennifer (when she was on point), were of a different class than the competition, so that it was obvious early on who the finalists would be. Therefore, most of the season was a waiting game. A long, unwelcome game of who’s going to go home first with few surprises. As a result, a lot of the usual excitement didn’t exist.

As for the finalists, Michael deserved the win, so no argument there. Bryan and Kevin were also incredibly qualified, so no matter the outcome, we would have had a great, deserving winner. In general, I would have liked to have seen more of the friendship between the Voltaggios and anyone. I know there’s room in the editing for it, because Fabio and Stefan took up half of Season Five. We see bits and pieces of their dry sense of humor while interacting with the other chefs, but most of it feels deliberately cut out. In order to develop controversy and rivalries, the Voltaggio attitudes may have been exaggerated, but they seem to have been liked by everyone. It would have been nice to see a little more of their real personalities instead of the sketchy TC editing. Not that I expect anything else from my reality shows.

And with that, another season of Top Chef concludes. Thanks for reading along. Here’s to hoping Hector wins fan favorite at the reunion. Nevermind – I know it’s going to Kevin, and I’m okay with that too.

For another take on this episode, check out Did The Right Voltaggio Win? by Nicole C.

Season 6, Episode 14: Napa Finale, Part 2 (original air date December 9, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Virginia Sherwood

Here we are! Finally! At last! The finale of Top Chef: Las Vegas. Part One of a long, predictable season ends the way we all knew it would. But in case you want some actual details, read on!

First, Jennifer, Michael Voltaggio, Kevin, and Bryan Voltaggio arrive one by one at the Napa Valley Train Depot. It’s all very quaint and picturesque, just the way you imagine wine country to be. They all interview about how they want to win, and this is a competition, yo! (Had you forgotten? Don’t worry, they’ll repeatedly remind you!) We also learn there’s a Facebook page dedicated to Kevin’s beard. The marvels of the internet.

Then the Napa Valley Express rolls up, and who disembarks but a pregnant and banged Padma, and guest judge Michael Chiarello! Aw geez. Like I didn’t have to watch enough of this guy before. The good news is, Chiarello is less of a jerk this time around, probably due to editing because he’s not the star. Michael talks about his great respect for Chiarello, which isn’t surprising, personality-wise. I can imagine these two getting along really well.

Before I start receiving angry emails, I concede that though Chiarello came off as a huge jerk on Masters, he also came off as a brilliant chef, and I was occasionally nice to him. Moving on.

Quickfire. You know, I could have sworn Padma called the last Quickfire the last Quickfire. She claims the same here. The challenge: to create a dish that features grapes. Because this is Napa Valley. As if anyone will let you forget it. The chefs must cook while traveling on the Napa Valley Wine Train. As the last high stakes Quickfire, the chefs will also compete for a brand new Prius.

Everyone but Michael struggles to remember what competition tastes like, and Kevin’s motion sickness seems to have no effect on him. Besides that, we watch four good chefs create good dishes. When announcing the winner, Chiarello threatens to steal Jennifer’s recipe. But even so, Chiarello chooses Michael as the winner.

Elimination Challenge. At Brix, the chefs must cater the crush party for 150 people from the Rutherford Hills Winery. The ingredients must be raised or grown in the area. They will create two dishes: one vegetarian, the other to include a local protein.

Jennifer chooses to cook duck, with the intention of cooking it over a wooden burning oven to capture a smoky flavor. Unfortunately, she doesn’t maintain the oven, the fire burns out, and she decides to confit the duck in its own fat. Yum. Sounds nasty, but rest assured, the judges find it delicious. During his visit, Colicchio also notices that Jennifer’s nerves have made the journey with her to Napa Valley. This is irrelevant and important later. Wait for it.

Kevin makes brisket, which requires more time to cook perfectly than the time he has allotted. Despite Kevin’s confidence, Colicchio thinks Kevin is doomed. Michael has a long list of prep work, but we’re talking about Michael Voltaggio – he’ll be fine. Bryan uses local agriculture in his restaurant so he thinks he has this in the bag.

The brothers’ rivalry is a little awkward this week: Bryan tries to joke repeatedly with Michael, but Michael has no sense of humor in the kitchen. Whoops! Bryan interviews that he and Michael each want to beat the other, but they also want to make the final round together. Then Michael interviews that it would be a huge relief if Bryan were eliminated. Nicely done, guys.

Service goes well – we are, after all, dealing with the only most talented chefs from this season. Padma wears a weird dress. Sorry, Padma. The judges this week are Gail, Chiarello, and Colicchio.

All of the diners love each of the dishes they try, but the judges, naturally, have a few complaints. I think that the critiques we’re seeing concern nitpicking – these final four chefs are all professionals with great skill, so the judges have no choice but to find and exploit the subtle mistakes. A fact that Chiarello points out during Judges’ Table and it pains me to agree with him. Since, as usual, all of the comments are the same, let’s skip to…

Judges’ Table. Bryan’s short ribs and goat cheese ravioli are perfect, suffering only from a lack of pepper and salt. Michael’s turnip soup with foie gras terrine shows great vision, though it leaves a bitter taste in Gail’s mouth. Literally. Also, the egg in his vegetable pistou overpowers the rest of the dish, and is runny enough to gross out Padma. Kevin capitalizes on his simplicity again, specifically a salad with only roasted beets and carrots. Gail loves the color, and Colicchio especially praises his subtle flavoring and “restraint.” Despite compliments from the diners, Colicchio maintains the brisket was not fully prepared. Jennifer’s chevre mousse with mushrooms surprises Chiarello, who didn’t expect to enjoy it. Sadly for her, she’s too heavy with the salt. The judges spend time complimenting her duck, which was very “ducky.” Really. Colicchio asks her why she didn’t grill her duck, as she intended to do when he visited the chefs during prep. She admits that she let the oven burn out and would have preferred to grill it.

Deliberation, and then line them back up. Bryan’s delivery of two dishes with high degrees of difficulty lands him the win. He’s thrilled to survive the competition without ever being up for elimination. And the eliminated chef is … Jennifer, because of her heavy hand with salt and the nervousness Colicchio witnessed in the kitchen. She let the fire burn out in the oven, and that indicated that something was “not happening for [her].”

It’s sad to see Jennifer go because she started strong and had a nice comeback story developing. She tears up and continues to berate herself during her exit interview. I hope she learns to relax in her time off.

I will add that based on the reviews from the judges, Jennifer probably didn’t deserve to go this week – Michael Voltaggio seemed to have committed greater culinary sins. Though Jennifer has been the least consistent of the four, history isn’t supposed to play a role in the deliberations, so … I guess we’ll just have to trust that the judges know whereof they speak. As of course, they do, even with Chiarello on the panel.

Next week: The final finale! Really!

For another take on this episode, check out All Boys Club by Nicole C.

Season 6, Episode 13: Napa Finale, Part 1 (original air date December 2, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Virginia Sherwood

And so it comes down to this: three young women, fashion designers all, fighting it out with needles for swords and ideas for firepower, on a battlefield called The Runway. There may be no blood, but there are definitely tears. And hurt feelings.

And so! We pick up where we left off, with CH sick. Two days left until Bryant Park and she’s a weakened, weepy wreck. Logan and Christopher take turns consoling her, and even Irina spares the snark. Because CH is horrifically miserable, and no one can argue that. It’s nice that no one insists on quarantining her, considering CH was deemed contagious less than 48 hours ago.

Hair and makeup consultations (again?) and separately, Irina and Barbie both request approximately the same style of make-up. It’s not until Tim Time that the two women learn that once again, they have similar aesthetics. Because Tim visited Irina first, it appears, conveniently, that Barbie is copying Irina. I wonder, meanwhile, if Tim knew this already and is taking advantage of Barbie and the situation – we never hear Tim discuss make-up choices, despite Lifetime’s attempt to highlight the models and Garnier. Or is it L’Oreal this season? See? I don’t care! Anyway, if Tim did know, that kind of makes Tim a jerk, doesn’t it? Wow, I feel like I just said something sacrilegious. I feel guilty already. Or maybe the producers set Tim up somehow, and they’re the jerks and Tim’s just a victim. That’s it.

Anyway, the implied accusation that Barbie is unoriginal and swiping ideas from Irina hits home and she tears up. Tim tells her to pull it together.

As for the thirteenth look, Barbie’s bringing back shoulder pads (why???), Irina’s created another hot little black number which I’m really digging, and CH creates a slate blue-ish draped goddess dress. I dig this as well, unsurprisingly. I dig just about everything CH creates.

The day before Bryant Park, CH wakes up feeling worlds better. Which is good, because everyone spends the day stressing out and rushing to complete their collection. Gordana remarks that the rushing, frenzied Irina is so stressed that she’s “not so cool today” to work with. No, Gordana, not just today. Irina’s always been like that, just not to you.

And then they’re up at the crack of dawn the next morning to swing by Bryant Park, stare in awe at the runway, and share a nice quiet moment before the chaos begins. The women prove to be terrible at time management – Tim “is about … to … lose it,” because the models aren’t dressed when they should be. “This is crazy!” I mean, he just looks like a curmudgeonly old man as he glares at them. Never fear, though! Each collection goes off on time, without a hitch.

So before, we touch on the collections, Heidi walks out on the runway to introduce the show and the judges (Kors, Garcia, and Suzy Menkes). Heidi wears a shiny, hot pink suit with capri pants and shoulder pads. Like, serious shoulder pads. If that look really does come back, I won’t shop again until it disappears. Who thinks shoulder pads are a good idea? (Aside from Barbie.)

Speaking of, she’s up first! She’s showing us “a piece of [her] soul,” and apparently, her soul is very old school sci-fi sportswear. In general, I think her collection isn’t breaking any new ground; hand-knit sweaters with oversized sleeves, tight shirts and skinny pants, simple jackets… while the tailoring and styling is very clean, the majority of her clothes you can find now (and at the time this was actually filmed). Her standout dress is the simple look we see every year, either during the finale or made at least once (or twice) during the season’s run. None of her looks stand out for me, and many of her clothes seemed too similar.

Next up: Carol-Hannah. Her look is very near and dear to her heart. She has a lot of shiny, satin-y material, also something we see every year (and all season long), but CH’s stuff is pretty. She has several pieces I really like – the opening dress, the long purple dress, the poofy bottom dress, her draped thirteenth look. There were a few misses here as well. I thought, overall, she wasn’t as creative as she could have been. But then, CH never really pushed the envelope all season.

Finally, Irina. Home is where the heart is, and her heart is in NY. The collection “is about what it takes to survive in the city as a woman, it’s about comforting and shielding yourself…” Bring on the armor and military inspired clothing! It’s all black, with a few pieces of gray and light brown knitted and faux-fur wraps. I found many of the looks to be impractical or too basic, but there were a number of really interesting pieces in the mix. My favorites are her thirteenth look and a few of her jackets. It was the most couture of the three. I liked the black, but many of the details were lost because of the lights – but then, Nina warned Irina about that (and reminds us that she warned her). Of note, she also has oversized sweaters with too long sleeves. I don’t get that look, but it must be in because she and Barbie use it.

Judging. Suzy Menkes is rocking this There’s Something About Mary hair, and it’s very distracting at first. But she’s about the sweetest lady in the world and has great comments, so it becomes easy to overlook.

Irina’s up first. Kors says that the Warrior Woman has been done before. Heidi thinks it looks finished and expensive, and Nina likes the creativity and intimacy of Irina’s t-shirts. However, Nina calls her out on sticking with so much black. Kors commends Irina’s styling choices from the hats to the bags, and Heidi says she’d wear a number of pieces from Irina’s collection.

Heidi loves CH’s thirteenth dress, impressed by how quickly and expertly CH pulled the look together. CH receives a number of compliments about different dresses, with Kors complimenting her ability to mix the structured with the drapery. As a giant negative, Heidi points out that the collection wasn’t cohesive.

Kors applauds Barbie’s use of sportswear; Nina likes the splashes of color that Barbie added. Kors also likes a pair of silk pants that she created (part of her thirteenth look – the judges are impressed). My problem with that praise is that I have a friend who bought very similar pants last season – there’s nothing that original about what she did. But you’d think she just reinvented pants and/or silk considering how much Kors loves them. Nina points out that the last three looks didn’t match the rest of the collection, and that maybe Barbie tried to “hit too many notes.”

Over deliberation, the judges add a few more comments. CH has impeccable tailoring and played with color the most – she could have pushed it farther, however. Barbie is “very plugged into the street,” and her pieces are very relatable. Unfortunately, the collection didn’t “tell a tale.” No one thinks as I do, that too much of it looked similar. Irina has edge, and put together the best “collection.” Her concept was creative, but her choice to do a gown seems forced.

Line them back up, and the first elimination: CH. My heart breaks. Mainly because, for the reasons stated above, she should have at least beat Barbie. If you could see me, I’m kicking my feet into the dirt like a child.

Between Irina and Barbie….drum roll…Irina wins! She immediately starts crying, and that’s kind of nice to see because the rest of the time Irina’s not human. Even the visit to her home last week felt like she was saying and doing everything that she was supposed to as opposed to it feeling natural. But just like there’s a soft, intimate t-shirt hidden underneath the hard, armored layers of Irina’s clothes, the soft side of Irina comes out from behind her emotional armor. We finally see her want the win, not feel that she deserves it. She was unpleasant through most of the season, but I have no problem with Irina’s win – she’s created some stunning pieces and absolutely presented the stronger  collection today.

Heidi invites Irina’s family out, and we see her dad crying because he’s so happy. Well, I think we can end this season and this review with me admitting that her father’s tears had me reaching for a tissue.

All in all, a season with a lot of talent – a lot of similar talent, but still a lot of talent. No one pushed any of the challenges as far as they could have, but we still saw a few amazing looks. Some of the personalities were boring, but there was Irina and Nicolas and Johnny crying. Remember him? Good times. Despite the season being a little lackluster, I did enjoy it, like the way I enjoy candy. It tastes good and it’s fun while it lasts, but just while it lasts. When the episode was over, Project Runway was easy to forget, but it was fun while it was on.

A lot of fun, yes, but no Season 2. Then again – I don’t think we can ever strike that magic twice.

Until next season, make it work!

Season 6, Episode 14: Finale Part II  (originally aired November 19, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

Don’t get your hopes up – this week is just another step towards the finale. And by that, I mean that the end result shouldn’t surprise you. And as much as I’d like to skip right to the end…

Pre-Quickfire chatter. Bryan needs money, Kevin misses his wife, and did you know that Richard Blais is Eli’s mentor? I want to say that Eli should be a little stronger then as a chef, if only because Richard pretty much carried his season. Anyway, he hopes to win this one for Richard too, as in an Inigo Montoya kind of way. Except he calls him “Indigo” which means Eli should lose just for screwing that name up. Jennifer admits that she needs to step it up this week since she’s fallen so far from the top. Good idea, Jennifer!

Quickfire. James Beard Rising Chef Award Winner Gavin Kaysen serves as guest judge. Kaysen also represented the U.S. in the 2007 Bocuse d’Or. Here’s a link with explanation. Kevin and Padma try to explain what a big deal the Bocuse is, but I only believe that it is an awe-inspiring event because Michael Voltaggio is impressed. That is not an easy feat, so this must be the real deal. For the challenge, the chefs must recreate their own version of Gavin’s Bocuse d’Or dish, which was a protein, within a protein, within a protein.

During the Quickfire, it’s interviews time! Michael says that Jennifer’s hit a wall and can leave now, thank you very much. Kevin thinks he and Eli, now great friends, are the real risk-takers in the group because they cook down home food on Top Chef. Bryan interviews that Kevin has less finesse than he does; he concedes that simplicity’s okay if you do it correctly and sounds like less of a jerk than Michael does (wait for it).

Kaysen didn’t care for Kevin’s or Michael’s dishes. They both disagree, especially Michael (naturally). Kaysen chooses Jennifer for the win, and some of her confidence returns. No immunity, but does receive an extra thirty minutes to cook in the …

Elimination challenge. The Top Chef version the Bocuse d’Or: the chefs must create a presentation platter with one protein (lamb or salmon) and two garnishes. The diners will include the judges, Kaysen, the American advisory board to the selection committee for the Bocuse, and representatives of the American Advisory Board of the Bocuse d’Or, and Thomas Keller. Again, Michael is impressed, so I am impressed. They will be judged on taste, creativity, and execution.

Shopping and home to watch a DVD about the Bocuse d’Or, except for Michael, who skips the DVD for bedtime. Then discussion of menus, and Kevin asks about cooking sous vide, as it’s a technique that he’s not familiar with. Bryan explains the details, and interviews that if someone asks a question and knows that he knows the answer but he refuses to help, that makes him a prick. He’s not sure if Michael would have offered the help that he had. I’m pretty sure Michael wouldn’t. But that’s something that makes Bryan a class act. Possibly something that sets him up to lose to Kevin later, but still, a class act.

Although now I worry for Kevin, because when they try new things during competition, those chefs tend to lose. He says, however, that the technique is appropriate for the challenge. He plans to give complex flavor wrapped up in a neat, simple bundle. Michael, however, calls Kevin’s food “the food I cook on my day off.” Kevin’s consistently cooked good food, but nothing “impressive.”

Colicchio checks in. He also worries about Kevin’s decision to try a new technique. He hopes winning the Quickfire will ease some of Jennifer’s nerves, and is afraid that Eli’s losing sight of the details. He also lets everybody know that the winner will receive $30,000. Yikes! Now that’s a prize.

Service. Gail’s back! Kevin’s dish pops, but it “is a little elementary for the amount of time that he had and … the quality of chef that he is.” Michael leaves a bone in one serving, and loses major points for claiming to have a Mediterranean theme, because the diners find the flavors disparate and not Mediterranean. Bryan sends out his food, disappointed with the presentation. The diners believe that with a little more time, Bryan would have delivered an excellent dish, but he just fell short today. Eli’s lamb is undercooked, poorly cut, and carries much more fat than it should, making it generally uneatable. Jennifer’s dish tasted good, but was not well thought out. Some of her salmon was perfectly cooked, while other pieces were undercooked. However, she does receive praise for presentation.

After service, Keller announces that the winner will be awarded a spot to compete for the 2011 Bocuse d’Or, and hopefully represent the United States.

Judges’ Table. Many of the same comments from the dinner are repeated here and over deliberation. So the chefs line up to answer questions, leave, then line back up for the verdict. And the winner: Kevin! Sous vide that, bitches! Tom says that each of the remaining chefs had problems with their dishes, though they are each applauded for the amount of work they put in. And going home…Eli!

Come on, you’re not really surprised are you?

Eli gives his exit interview stoically, until the very end when he loses it. He’s okay with losing to the four who remain, and this is probably the most likeable Eli has been all season – he’s usually a little too snarky (leave that to us, Eli). Unless Jennifer knocks them dead next weekend, she’ll be going home next.

Next week: Padma has bangs, cooking on a train, and the last elimination before the finale!

For another take on this episode, check out And Then There Were Four by Nicole C.

Season 6, Episode 12: Culinary Olympics (originally aired November 18, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

What’s up America? It’s time for Tyra to pick your next Top Model. And, lest you forget, this Top Model is more special than any of the others because our winner this cycle is short. Tyra’s changing the entire industry, remember?

And into the inane filler that is the finale we go. Let’s save us all some time: Kentucky grew up poor and battles the negative stigma that sometimes comes with dyslexia. Teachers called her a hopeless cause and no one thought she’d amount to anything. But now look at her! Nicole is awkward, ate her lunch in the bathroom stall so that no one could see her sitting alone, and battled stage fright and homesickness to stay in the competition. She cried after casting because she didn’t think she’d be able to do it. But now look at her!

They’re competition, but they’re friends (at least Nicole thinks so, Kentucky doesn’t share the same thoughts in her interviews) and they don’t underestimate each other’s strengths. Yet, they each believe they have what it takes to edge out the other.

You’re welcome. That nonsense took up seventy-five percent of the episode.

To the plot! Tyra Mail delivers Cover Girl scripts to memorize overnight. Cue the “dyslexics have trouble memorizing lines” reminders. The next day, the girls arrive on set to Mr. Jay in a green pea coat. It’s … disconcerting, his coat. They’ll film their commercials and take their beauty shot, photographed by none other than Nigel Barker.

Kentucky shoots her commercial first, and though she has a hard time with her lines, she eventually pulls out a successful commercial. Jay says that she didn’t allow herself to become flustered, and therefore, even if she messed up, she delivered the next line with enthusiasm, giving the editors something to work with. Go Kentucky! She’s very proud of herself and for showing that dyslexics can do anything. It’s a nice moment because you know it means the world to her. On the other side of the set, Nigel describes his shoot with Nicole, who he praises for always rocking her shoots. She performs whenever asked.

Then, things get silly. Nigel photographs Kentucky and criticizes her for not thinking about a boyfriend to help light up her eyes. Instead she thinks about milkshakes. He really believes, therefore, that she’s not giving 100%. How are milkshakes bad? Chocolate chip cookies do it for me. And – I’ve avoided saying this before now, but I’ll finally admit it – I’m starting to dislike Nigel. I mean, I’d still marry him tomorrow if he left his wife and proposed, because I could save him from himself and the web of self-indulgence that is Tyra Banks. But until then, he really needs to get over himself. A milkshake? Come on, Nigel: the milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

Meanwhile, Jay tells Nicole her delivery of the commercial lines makes her sound like a snob. In the end, she provides a good take, but they don’t show it. Translation of the silliness: the producers need to make this look like a competition, with real suspense. Uh oh, Kentucky messed up her photo! Uh oh, Nicole messed up her commercial! That’s fine, but this sets up the judges to sometimes, especially in Nigel’s case here, sound petty.

Back at the house, Ann Shoket drops by with hair and make-up and Gilles Bensimmon for the Seventeen cover photo shoot. Right there in the house. How glamorous. As usual, Shoket can’t begin to guess who will win. Later, Tyra arrives so we can hear again about the dyslexia and social outcast handicaps. Re-watching this segment, it’s surprising that neither girl realizes that Tyra talks to them like they’re four year olds. No really, watch it again. I really think Bianca or Brittany would have smacked Tyra if she’d tried that with them.

The next day, it’s the Julie Clancey fashion show. With special guests, Sundai, Erin, Brittany and Jennifer! Jay calls it a big deal to bring back eliminated contestants, but I’d guess they needed short models for the runway. The show is a play on the elements; for example, the girls walk towards a high-powered fan to represent wind and walk through sprinklers to represent water. It looks great and I applaud the concept. From where I sit on my couch, Kentucky out-walks Nicole, but there are no major fashion catastrophes. It’s really a shame that Brittany didn’t last longer, but I hope she’ll eat something now. She’s so thin!

To the panel! Tyra leads Nigel and Ms. J in the critiques. Did anyone notice that Paulina was missing? First for consideration: a history of the photo shoots. The critiques are even, with one negative photo each (Kentucky during week four and Nicole during the group challenge). In general, Nicole has a more positive portfolio. Then to the most recent commercial, and Tyra banishes Kentucky’s ghosts of dyslexias past, and Nicole comes off relatable. Both also hear negative reviews, but I think that Nicole actually had a better performance. For all the comments about her monotone, Daria voice, she definitely learned to break that habit on-screen. Even her interviews are more animated (no Daria-animation pun intended). The judges call Kentucky’s Cover Girl beauty shot “hot” and “sexy,” and Nicole’s photo “relaxed” and “confident.” Again, Nicole’s chosen photo looks better than Kentucky’s, and I tend to think there was a better photo for Kentucky in the batch. They gloss over these photos quickly, a change from seasons past.

Finally, we discuss the runway. The judges were unsurprised that Kentucky walked so well, with Tyra saying that she looked like she’s been doing this for years. Kentucky’s been practicing in the aisles of Wal-Mart for ages, so I guess so! Tyra tells Nicole that she saw her walk at the show and thought, “what the heck is this walk?” But then says Nicole’s stomping is her signature walk. What??? When has Nicole’s lack of fluidity been called anything other than an excuse for elimination? In seasons past, Ms. J has not put up with a walk like that, but here it’s okay? That’s baloney – I don’t doubt that over the course of the entire season Nicole outperformed or did as well as Kentucky, but let’s not make up complete fiction here.

Over deliberation, it’s more of the same, with the judges adding a few comments about how the girls come across live and in person. But again, I think we all know who our winner will be.

Bring the two hopefuls back out and … there can be only one … America’s Next Top Model is … Nicole! She’s shocked and subdued as only Nicole can be. Kentucky cries immediately. She wanted this very, very badly. She knows that her family, especially her grandmother, will be proud of her anyway. But even so, her heart is clearly broken. Of all the girls who I have hoped would have careers after this … I really hope Kentucky does. Tyra tells her that she’s truly beautiful inside and out. And in one of those rare moments, Tyra and I agree. Kentucky deserves to make a gajillion dollars at this modeling thing, because she is such a nice person. And nice people deserve the win sometimes.

But Nicole’s also a nice person, quirky and kooky, and she deserves a win, too. So she grins like a fool during all of the congratulations, calls herself a nerd, and immediately rushes to her photo shoot with Tyra. The funny part is watching Tyra compete with Nicole for the spotlight, because Nicole has a natural fierceness and great smize.

And that’s it! Another cycle down! We learned that short girls can be just as petty as tall girls, but short girls can get away with poor runway walks. They also really do have it harder than tall models, because they have to go through repetitive challenges and aren’t allowed to travel overseas. And don’t forget that dyslexia isn’t funny (even when ANTM thinks it is) and Blackface is offensive, even in fashion. Wow. Tyra really is changing the world. I feel smarter already.

Until next cycle …

For another take on this episode, read That’s all folks…at least until the next one by Trisha Huntsman.

Season 13, Episode 12: America’s Next Top Model Is… (originally aired November 18, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Ryan Goble

I’ve heard complaints about this season, about how the designers aren’t as creative (see last week) or have been, overall, boring to watch (see the entire season) compared to previous contestants. Both of these points are true: While the talent is definitely there in terms of sophistication and skill, many of the designers have had similar tastes and aesthetics (although Irina calls it stealing) and most of the time, the interviews given are exposition of things we’re watching happen on screen. Nicolas and Irina were kind enough to criticize their fellow designers thereby giving us some drama, but otherwise, we’ve had a fairly lackluster season, without any real breakout designs or stars (I can’t believe I miss Kenley!). Some good designs, yes, but I don’t think we have any Christian Siriano military outfits emblazoned in our brains.

Nevertheless, we’re into Part I of the finale this week, and even I’m excited.  I continue to root for CH’s win, but she’d have to be pretty spectacular to beat Irina, who has had the greatest success and some of the best work all season. Unless Irina suddenly screws up somewhere, she’s the one to beat. Unfortunately Barbie, though smarter than your average plastic doll (and much more creative), hasn’t designed much that I’ve really enjoyed. Which doesn’t mean anything, except that while I wish her success after the show, I’m hoping she doesn’t win. And that right there is setting me up for trouble.

But on to this week’s episode: Talk about filler! I was tempted to write: Tim visited the designers, they came to NYC, CH fell ill, Irina “borrowed” some copyright images, and oh wait, now design another look. That’s really it right there. But for those who want a little more detail, here we go.

Tim visits the three remaining designers: CH on Long Island (holla!), Irina on the UES (paging all Gossip Girls) and Barbie in Dayton, Ohio. CH found inspiration in the architecture and whimsical atmosphere of Duke University at night. Irina calls upon her hometown of Brooklyn and Coney Island for ideas, and Barbie’s inspiration comes from sci-fi movies, with their different fashion shapes and strong women. Each designer receives praise and advice, and each of them take Tim’s words to heart. The most notable piece of these visits is that one of Irina’s looks is based around postcard-like images screened onto t-shirts. Tim calls her ten days before Fashion Week starts to inform her that the images she chose are copyrighted, and therefore, unusable. Uh oh! Now, what’ll she do?

When the ladies arrive for Fashion Week, only Irina and Barbie show at the Grand Hyatt, fighting the awkwardness that comes from one person having accused the other of fashion plagiarism. It gives the editors something to work with, which almost makes you think someone might have poisoned CH to keep her out of the picture. Speaking of…

Tim arrives at the hotel to deliver the news that CH is sick with a contagious stomach bug and won’t be joining them. However, she does make an appearance the next day at the workroom, much to the disappointment/concern of Irina and Barbie.

Tim swings by for some Tim Time.  He uses “matronly” again to describe some of Barbie’s clothes, and wonders if the collection is cohesive. Irina takes note of Barbie’s knits, and “jokingly” says to her, “Althea, what would you do without me? You have a good memory.” It’s a really good dig, but Barbie doesn’t appreciate it as much as I do. Also, Irina didn’t introduce knits or oversized sweaters to the world, so she could back off, but then what on earth about this episode would entertain us? Tim and CH go back and forth about what does and doesn’t work, and Barbie interviews that CH doesn’t intimidate her, because her collection is “very Carol Hannah.” See? Not nearly as good as Irina’s shots.

Irina swapped images of New York for text about New York on her t-shirts. The biggest issue is that her collection is all black and gray. And a pair of leather pants that look like chaps. Hmmm. Barbie tries to get some digs in about Irina’s pieces, but she’s so out of her league there, it’s not worth repeating.

Up next is model casting. No catfights over models. Then Kors and Nina stop by to offer advice and answer questions. Specifically, Nina says that an all black collection can prove difficult to editorialize. Irina notes Nina’s comments, but sticks to her guns about excluding color.

Then it’s time for model fittings, and then Heidi arrives! Looking amazing, as usual. Guess why she’s there? You know why! It’s time to add a thirteenth look to each collection. The interviews indicate that the three ladies are surprised by this, but they’ve all seen this show before, so they know what to expect. In walk Gordana, Christopher, and Logan to provide help. Barbie chooses first and picks Logan, Irina chooses Gordana, and CH happily accepts Christopher. The designers sketch then head to Mood.

They work the rest of the afternoon, but by the end of the day, CH is back at the hotel stuck in the bathroom, dealing with another flare up of her stomach virus. This is really not good for her.

And then it’s all: Next week on Project Runway…

So, as you can see, nothing really happens except plenty of set up. Despite this and the general criticisms of the show, I can’t wait to see what comes down the Runway next week. Hopefully, CH overcomes her stomach bug so she can perform up to her standards and go through with the show. Personally, I’m hoping Tim Gunn has a meltdown.

Next week: Panic, Illness, and Tim almost loses it. It’s the Finale, Part II!

Season 6, Episode 13: Finale Part I  (originally aired November 12, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

After last week’s fun Top Chef Reunion dinner, with its gathering of favorites (and favorites we love to hate) from previous seasons, this week seems a little bit of a downer. Can we just eliminate Robin and Eli already? And as much as I don’t want to see it, as she’s always been a favorite, let’s get on with Jennifer’s self-induced implosion. I’d love it if she turned things around, but she’s not giving me reason to have faith.

Quickfire. At the Venetian, the chefs must cook room service / breakfast in bed for Padma and guest judge, Nigella Lawson. Because, you know, there are a lot of hotels in Vegas, and by extension, a lot of room service.

To make an otherwise tame Quickfire more exciting, Robin goes first and leaves her station a mess for Michael V., who follows her and ends up pissed off that he has to clean up. As a result, he snaps at her and she takes offense, stalking off with a few swear words. Isn’t it exciting? Yawn!

Nigella’s least favorites are Bryan (what???) and Robin. Her top picks are Eli and Kevin, with Eli taking the win. No immunity, but he’ll be the only chef from Season 6 with a recipe in the new Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook. He considers this an honor.

Elimination challenge. The chefs must cater a party for 175 people, with their meals inspired by a particular hotel on the strip. They draw knives, with the results: Bryan & Mandalay Bay; Eli & Circus Circus; Mike & New York, New York; Jennifer & Excalibur; Kevin & the Mirage; and Robin & the Bellagio.

A quick montage shows the chefs touring their hotels to find inspiration. Mike makes chicken wings, which isn’t really New York food as much as it is bar food, but I’ve ordered wings in New York, so … maybe he’s on to something. Jennifer opts for steak after watching the Tournament of Kings and recalling The Sword in the Stone. Steak is medieval, yo! She interviews that she’s unsure about a direction for her dish, which is usually a bad sign. As a fan of medieval times (not Medieval Times) and The Sword in the Stone, I feel like she missed a really fun opportunity here. Bryan chooses fish based on his visit to the Shark Reef (which seems wrong) and the Reef’s message of sustainability. Robin goes with panna cotta inspired by the Dale Chihuly art in the Bellagio. She hasn’t made panna cotta very often, but that’s okay, because that always works out so well for her, doesn’t it? It never lands her in the bottom, right? Oh, wait.

Kevin’s a simple foods kind of guy, using the Mirage’s tropical setting to help develop his dish of wild Alaskan salmon. He talks a bit about his desire to create big flavors with a subtle touch. Circus Circus challenges Eli, who takes his interpretation literally. He decides to combine junk food into a soup. I know – this makes no sense. Nevertheless, he makes a  peanut and caramel apple  soup with pulverized popcorn. He tops this with whipped raspberry juice to mimic the pink dome of the hotel.

The chefs all talk about the intimidation of serving 175 people with only three hours of cooking and short on-site prep time. Robin also notes Eli’s struggle with his menu, and interviews about pushing herself so that she can remain in the competition. She deserves to be here, and you know this is true because she repeats this at least twice every episode.

Service. Gail’s out and Toby’s back, along with Padma, Colicchio, and Nigella. Jennifer’s steak requires an Excalibur-like sword to cut her stone-like steak. Nigella’s not very creative with the metaphors. Toby could have used more of the wine reduction that Jennifer used sparingly. Kevin’s dish, specifically his use of flavors and spices, earn him rave reviews from all of the judges. Michael’s dish surprises all of the judges with how much they like it. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it, because they don’t seem impressed when he hands them chicken wings. Robin’s panna cotta smells delicious, but the texture is far too solid. Padma tries to defend Robin’s inspiration, but Tom’s having none of it. Bryan’s dish has balance and tastes “professional.” Nigella is afraid of Eli’s soup, and Padma flat out doesn’t like it. The grainy texture dooms the dish as a failure.

Judges’ Table. The Top Three are Kevin, Michael and Bryan. Preview of the finale! Compliments to everyone, with Michael winning the challenge, along with a bottle of Terlato wine and a trip to the Terlato vineyard in Napa Valley.

That leaves Jennifer, Eli and Robin in the losers bracket. Jennifer says she’s not surprised by her placement. She thinks her dish was boring and unfocused. Colicchio agrees, and Nigella points out that the meat was too tough. Toby calls it more Spamalot than Camelot. I include this quote only because of how much I loved Spamalot on Broadway. Amazing! Robin calls herself a jerk for playing with elements she’s not familiar with. Nigella, trying to outdo Toby, says the texture of the panna cotta should have “the quiver of a 17^th century courtesan’s inner thigh.” What? And … cool? I take back the comment about her metaphors lacking creativity. Colicchio asks Robin if she’s influenced by the other chefs’ tricks, and she admits that she’s envious and inspired. Oh, that’s asking for it, Robin. The judges criticize the texture of Eli’s soup, and then his efforts to fix his mistakes. Colicchio calls the soup a failure, and Padma says she’d never want to eat that dish again.

Over deliberation, the judges note that Jennifer started strong and is perhaps not a marathon competitor. Panna cotta is “child’s play” and Robin couldn’t make such a simple dish. In the Stew Room, Robin cries to herself and Jennifer confesses to Kevin that she’s ready to go. We have no way of knowing if this comment is taken out of context.

Bring them back out, and finally! It’s time to say good-bye to Robin. She cries during her exit interview, sad to leave but looking forward to the future. I’m sure she’s a very nice lady, but I’m just not sorry to see her go. And now I feel a little bad about it. But not so bad that I want her to stick around.

Next week: Bryan and Kevin mess up, and Mike hates Kevin’s food. More importantly, it’s almost finale time!

For another take on this episode, check out Who Knew Stripping Could Be Boring by Nicole C.

Season 6, Episode 11: Strip Around the World (originally aired November 11, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

And then there were four! Let’s start with the end: the conclusion of this episode is much more exciting than the recycled Teach and Challenge, and much is made of the photo shoot that never comes about – it’s pretty clear who’s going to the finale and even Tyra knows that. So maybe that’s why we’re treated this week with a double elimination of two Ty-testants. It doesn’t matter to me – all I know is we’re one episode away from the finale. So let’s get to it!

Erin decides she needs a kick ass photo shoot to save herself and stay out of the bottom two for the fourth week in a row. At the start, the girls don’t know that only two will survive this week, so they all just want to do better than the worst person. Jennifer’s proud of herself for not giving up, and Nicole appreciates this experience because of how much she has grown, both as a model and as a person.  Kentucky can’t quite believe she’s still here, choking back tears as she mentions that just a few months ago, she was castrating cows. I stop eating the hamburger I was having for dinner.

For this week’s challenge, the girls learn how to mix traditional hula dancing with hip hop. It’s pretty cool to watch and we don’t see enough of it, except that this is basically a recycled version of the Benny Ninja challenge. The girls must incorporate a traditional hula solo into a hip hop hula routine, complete with background dancers. They will be judged on the storytelling aspects of their solo and their overall dancing abilities.

Jennifer’s confused by the concept, Kentucky’s all about faking it until she makes it, Nicole still hasn’t learned how to dance or retain choreography, and Erin thinks she should win because she was a cheerleader. She helps the girls learn the group choreography, much to Nicole’s dismay, because remember: Erin’s annoying. The editing backs this claim up.

The girls do their dances for Ms. J and the hula teacher. Kentucky wins for putting together the most comprehensive solo story with knockout butt shaking. She chooses Jennifer to join her for an all expenses paid trip back to Hawaii, staying at the Four Seasons. Damn! Erin thinks Kentucky should have picked her, because she helped everyone with the dance steps. Erin, however, hasn’t received the memo about how she comes off to everyone else. I wonder how she’s going to react when she sees herself on television.

Photo shoot. At the Secret Beach, Jay Manuel explains that the girls will be made up as the Volcano Goddess, Pele, with the shoot taking place on volcanic rock with the crashing waves of the ocean in the background. Then he drops the bomb that two people will be Ty-minated (aka, eliminated) at panel. The girls all freak. Except for Nicole, who accepts the challenge and then steps up to it.

Jennifer tries to be creative, but fails. She ignores Jay’s advice until she realizes he’s right, and generally struggles to time her shots with the waves in the background. Nicole clears her mind of the double elimination, and seems to nail shot after shot. She does so well that Jay “just peed in his pants.” I love her hair.

Kentucky battles nerves throughout the entire shoot, not reacting well to criticisms. She interviews that she panicked too much and lost it, and when she stopped having fun, she messed up. Jay tells her she looked a little “boozy.” It would appear that Kentucky just tanked her chances at making it to the finale.

Erin looks beautiful, but Jay tells her she looks angry. She starts singing a song in her head, “one of those pop songs that teenagers listen to.” Isn’t she eighteen? You’d think she was hitting thirty or something. Nevertheless, her trick works, and her face softens. The photo becomes “magical,” according to Jay. Then she bangs her head on the photographer’s light as she descends from the rocks. Funny, but unnecessarily mean to show onscreen. Nice, editors.

Judging. Guest judge: Ann Shoket.

Erin looks beautiful and long in her photo, impressing everyone but Ms. Jay, who thinks she could have added more to her eyes. Tyra tells her that she looked sleepy in most of her film. Nigel calls Jennifer’s photo pretty, but not her best angle. She’s too compact and small. She explains that she tried other things, and Tyra shoots her down by telling her that she looked amateur and unfocused in the other photos. Kentucky looks like Rachel Hunter, and Ms. Jay calls her “the gold tooth in a mouth full of decay.” This is meant as a compliment, meaning she can turn it on, but that’s the oddest compliment ever. Her photo blows the judges away. I think her face looks as awkward as is humanly possible, but she’s clearly safe and all that editing during the photo shoot about her boozy appearance was probably meant to make us wonder who would be cut. But it ain’t Kentucky, so let’s move on! Tyra chooses a photo for Nicole that makes her look awkward – this cannot be her best shot. It gives Nigel a chance to criticize her lack of movement and angles, because I’m sure the intent is to hear something negative about everyone to build suspense. As if, Tyra! Despite Nigel’s comments, the other judges love Nicole’s photo, so I think we know how this will end.

I won’t go over deliberation, because really – will anyone be surprised with the eliminations? The girls line back up, and called first: Nicole. Audiences everywhere say: Duh. Tyra calls up the final three for a short lecture about their faults: Jennifer’s lost her way and has become inconsistent; Kentucky’s not much of a model in person despite amazing photos; and Erin started strong but collapsed, even though she nailed a great photo this week. The second girl on her way to the finale: Kentucky. Duh again! Erin and Jennifer share a double hug with Tyra, not worthy of solo time. Erin calls it “a punch in the face,” to make it this far only to be eliminated. Jennifer’s heart has been ripped out, but she’s much more positive.

And now it’s time for the final runway! I want Kentucky to win, but I’m pretty sure Nicole will take it. However, I’ll be happy with either girl as winner because I like them both a lot. So way to go, Tyra. You got this one very, very right!

Next week: Finale!

For another take on this episode, read Dancing = Destroyed by Trisha Huntsman.

Season 13, Episode 11: Hawaiian Hip Hop (originally aired November 11, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Ryan Goble

In a very under-hyped “twist,” we lose two people this week in the last challenge before the finale. I’m more excited by this than any of the designers. They’re looking forward to Fashion Week, and I’m looking forward to cutting the last two hangers-on, because let’s face it – we’re in Top Chef-land now, where we all know who should be at the end but we suffer waiting through the weaker folk to screw up again so we can whittle things down. If it weren’t so obvious who should be in the finals, this could’ve been exciting.

And so! We open with talk of pressure and tension: Christopher’s shocked that he’s the last man standing, clearly not having paid attention to the talent level among the women this whole season. Although I, too, thought some of the men would have made it farther than Logan. Irina and Barbie fake their way through last week’s “It was my idea first” shenanigans, and at some time, Irina and Gordana became friends. Now it’s Irina and Gordana versus CH and Barbie. It’s such a natural girl thing that I’m depressed watching it unfold. We can be so catty.

For the challenge, the designers meet Tim at The Getty Center. They tour the museum to find inspiration, which is a great final challenge that worked well during Season Four at the Met and should become a standard. It also makes the Michael Kors challenge look even more silly. The designers have $300 and two days to complete this challenge.

The inspirations: CH chooses the European decorative arts and an 18^th century French bed. Barbie draws inspiration from the architecture of the Getty Building, while Christopher also remains outside to study a rock fountain. Irina picks the painting “Mischief and Repose” from John William Godward. Gordana finds a painting of Monet that reminds her of her home in Europe.

The interviews: Christopher talks yet again about a person like me from a place that I’m from with the formal education that I lack…needless to say, Bryant Park would be amazing for him. Barbie feels alienated because everyone has a buddy except for her. She deals by taking over several work room tables, prompting more tension and irritation from Irina. How many ways can we say petty? The tension continues to escalate as the women start snapping at each other. Nothing vicious, just enough to let people know where they stand. Thankfully, we don’t see most of it. We also hear some about Irina’s family from the Republic of Georgia. Her father thinks she’s ancient at 26 and can’t understand her independence or her lack of husband. For her, Bryant Park will validate her passion with her family.

Tim Time. Christopher’s dress doesn’t have a “wow” factor, and Tim warns him to use an editing eye. He loves CH’s dress but doesn’t want her to lose the sophistication as she develops other ideas. Irina’s dress worries Tim, and for the first time, she receives a negative critique. Tim is perplexed and troubled over Barbie’s construction methods. He tells her to bring a critical eye, because she’s walking a fine line. Gordana cries during her Tim Time, because the painting and her work mean so much to her. This is her most personal piece, and though Tim loves it, he concedes he has no idea what the judges will say. Gordana stands behind her piece because of how much of herself is represented in it.

CH worries about Barbie’s dress because the material doesn’t lend itself to pleating. Irina incorporates Tim’s advice. Barbie calls Gordana’s dress beautiful but not a “last challenge” dress to wow the judges. She thinks the same of Irina’s dress. Irina calls Christopher’s confidence misplaced and says that his dress will land him in trouble. Again. She points out that Barbie is scrambling, as usual, and that a lot of her work lacks polish and finishing.

Runway. Judges: Heidi, (no Kors – is he even a judge anymore, technically?), Nina Garcia, Cynthia Rowley, Cindy Crawford.

Barbie: Ok. Looks like a quilt. CH: Beautiful, simple. Christopher: Beautiful. Gordana: Nice, but oddly shaped. Irina: Relaxed, in her style, but too oversized.

I think this season’s museum challenge fails miserably against Season Four’s productions. As a final challenge, none of these dresses are “big” enough. Except for Barbie, they’re all beautiful, but none of them have a “wow” factor (maybe CH) and none of them seem to be so iconic of their creators that you want to know what else they can do. They’re all relatively simple and lackluster. I like most of them, but none of them blew me away.

But on to the professionals! This week, to build some suspense, everyone receives positive and negative critiques. Though Barbie’s dress is ambitious, the bottom part is overworked and the top of the dress underworked, and she bit off more than she could chew. Irina’s dress has a beautiful back and a nice color, but the length is too long and the styling weighs the look down. Gordana’s dress clearly shows her inspiration, but Gordana’s not taking chances. Cindy could see herself wearing it – Nina says “not so great from the back, but beautiful from the front.”  CH’s fit and detailing are “fantastic.” The judges don’t see the inspiration, but they love the dress. Nina expresses her concern by describing the dress as “safe perfection.” Rowley loves the top part of Christopher’s dress, but the bottom suffers from a heavy, stiff fabric. Heidi asks if he’s comfortable with this as his final dress. He cries (uh oh) and says that everyone else chose a beautiful piece of art as their inspiration – he chose a rock with algae, because he could see the beauty there. That speaks more about him as a designer than anything else could. It’s probably the smartest thing he’s said all season.

Now we’re at that moment where Heidi asks everyone why they should go to Fashion Week, and which two designers should accompany them. Anyone who does not include Irina is lying. First: Gordana. She could reach her full potential by showing at Fashion Week, and chooses Christopher and Irina because they want it so badly. Barbie says that she has pushed herself the entire competition, never landing in the bottom, and chooses CH and Irina. CH says her background and how much she wants it don’t matter – it comes down to the fact that she makes beautiful garments that women want to wear. Christopher and Barbie should join her because they’re bringing new, exciting ideas to the runway. Irina’s voice grows shaky as she talks about her immigrant parents, and she says she should go because she can show that it’s okay to dream. It’s a terrible speech, but if it’s genuine, I’ll let it go. The correct answer would have been: because I’m the most creative designer here. She chooses Barbie and Gordana to join her. Christopher hasn’t had many opportunities for success, and this would be his biggest opportunity. He chooses CH and Irina.

Over deliberation, we hear a few more comments: Barbie disappointed big time this week, but she pushed herself. Irina has a very clear vision, but the bottom of her dress was dowdy. Christopher makes beautiful tops, but he doesn’t have enough experience to realize that he’s choosing the wrong fabrics. CH had the standout piece, but she plays it safe. Gordana created one of her best pieces, but who she is as a designer doesn’t come out in her work.

Line them back up and Fashion Week belongs to: Irina, CH and Barbie. Hooray! That means Christopher and Gordana are out. I admit I’m surprised that Christopher crashed and burned so badly this season – after the first few episodes I thought this was his competition to lose. Gordana, however, is no surprise. Except for how long she lasted.

And for once, the Irina factor doesn’t kick in! Her comments about Christopher didn’t save him – I thought it might come down to CH and Christopher, but between the two, I’m happier that CH is staying. I’m rooting for her to kill it.

Next week: Finale!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 12: The Art of Fashion (originally aired November 5, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

And we’re back!

Lots of chatter this week: First – it’s Kentucky’s birthday. Yay! Also: Erin worries about her new home in the bottom two – she’s settling in nicely while avoiding elimination. Sundai can’t understand how Erin has managed to survive, and I think Sundai’s never watched reality television, because these remaining short girls would be boring without someone like Erin to hate. We also learn that Sundai sucks her thumb and that she’s kept most of her past hidden from the others – she will reveal all only if she makes it to the top four. She interviews that modeling is her only chance to be successful. Nicole, though she won last week’s top photo, isn’t celebrating: Brittany was a strong contender, and her elimination means no one is safe. Nicole does not say who she thought should have gone home instead, but nobody likes Erin, so…

To the teach and challenge at a beach, where 5’8” Marisa Miller arrives to teach the girls how to pose provocatively without turning hooch. It’s basically five minutes of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: there’s boobs sticking out, butts popping out, rolling around in the sand, and posing under a shower. Later, the girls and Marisa meet Nigel on a set of small cliffs. For the challenge, they must incorporate Marisa’s posing lessons into a photo shoot while jumping off of a small cliff into the water. The ladies are all intimidated, and despite lots of nerves, they all jump successfully, with Kentucky taking the plunge first. Because she’s crazy, y’all! They have one chance to get it right.

I think they all look pretty awful despite the critiques: However, Sundai and Nicole do have the best shots, with Nicole clearly nailing it far more than the others. She wins! The jealousy eats away at the other girls. She wins a necklace which I’m sure is amazing, but she also wins extra frames in the next shoot. Then she can pick a friend who also receives extra frames, and that girl can pick a friend who receives extra frames, and that girl can pick a friend. Until only one girl is left who better rock the shoot because she has no friends and no extra frames.

That loser is Erin, because no one in their right mind is picking her. See Sundai? That’s why she’s here.

Photo shoot. The girls head out to sea for an underwater shoot. Despite the fake enthusiasm, Kentucky’s biggest fears are suffocation and drowning. They will go underwater to a specific depth, and will use a regulator to breathe in between shots. Everyone will go down once, shoot, and surface. Everyone but Erin will then go down a second time to use their extra frames. Erin starts out trying to be tough about her deficit,  but she slowly begins to crack.

Kentucky freaks out underwater and needs time to pull it together – when she does, she rocks her shoot and shocks Jay with her awesomeness. Nicole nails her shot in the first round and Jay encourages her to take chances in her second dive. Jennifer needed her extra frames to meet the challenge requirements; her first dive produced beautiful photos but she didn’t dive deep enough. Sundai asks that she be allowed to stay close to the surface of the water because of her asthma. The photographer comments that she came up with excuse after excuse as opposed to making an effort to overcome her fear. Jay describes her photos as “-ish.” Erin talks a big game about wanting to step it up. Erin also disappoints the photographer by refusing to dive deep. Jay rubs it in when she surfaces that she didn’t have the extra frames, and then Erin really feels sorry for herself.

Judging. Guest Judge: Marisa Miller.

Sundai looks tall in her photo but loses her face. Tyra also points out that Sundai’s complaints and requirements limited her potential for a great shot. Kentucky needs to learn how to find her light, but her fears never showed in her face. Nigel calls Jennifer’s photo stunning, and Tyra loves the length Jennifer creates. Marisa, however, says that Jennifer could have brought a little more life to the photo. The other judges disagree. Nicole brings something different, she finds her light, and she looks as though she’s dancing. She has crazy legs, but otherwise, the judges love it. Nigel doesn’t like Erin’s photo, but Tyra does. Unfortunately, because Erin sits near the surface of the water and misjudges her light, she washes out her face and becomes unrecognizable.

Over deliberation, we hear that Erin gains a few points for bringing out her personality during panel for the first time in a long time. Bring the girls back out, and called first: Jennifer. Then Nicole, then Kentucky, and the bottom two are Sundai and Erin. Sundai’s a complainer and Erin continues to weaken as the weeks pass. Going home: Sundai. Tyra warns Erin to pull it together or else. Meanwhile, a crushed Sundai feels the failure a lot deeper than most of the other eliminated contestants – she looks devastated. In her exit interview, she remains positive about the experience, and hopefully about the life ahead of her.

Though Erin’s the villain and has landed in the bottom several times, Sundai has been the weaker of the two throughout most of the competition. So as heartbreaking as it is to see Sundai eliminated, it does appear to be the right choice. Oh come on, we all knew it was coming.

Next week: Hula and hip hop, and a double elimination!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 10: Dive Deeper (originally aired November 4, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Ryan Goble, and Russel Thomter

Six designers left and two more challenges to go. Let’s not waste time and get right to it!

Barbie thinks that she, CH and Irina rank as the strongest designers.  CH wants to show the judges that she can make more than dresses; though that’s her “thing,” she wants to prove she can do more runway pieces. Barbie calls her a one trick pony, but it’s not like CH is making the same dresses week after week. Christopher continues his sad lament about his up and down and down pattern during judging. Once again, he promises to do better.

This week’s challenge: to create a companion piece to each designers’ best look. “Best” look because Logan doesn’t have a “winning” look like everyone else. He takes note of this – time to turn things up a notch! Irina thinks that this challenge will separate the men from the boys – or rather, the women from the girls, because let’s face it – unless Christopher blows the judges away in the next two weeks, it’s going to be an all female finale.

Christopher turns his short dress into a gown with the same appliqué. Logan builds a new look around the zippers in his first dress. Tim advises a worried CH that she should start in her comfort zone and go from there, and pants aren’t the way to start strong. She struggles with a dress concept through much of the episode.

Gordana comments about a new tension in the workroom with Bryant Park so close. She talks briefly about her humble beginnings: her parents were farmers in Bosnia near the Serbian border. Well, this can’t be good for her. Background stories usually mean elimination time. But we also hear that in Idaho, Logan will work on his car and get his hands greasy and dirty, then start work on a dress. Oh, the crazy dynamics of Idaho! Could these spotlights be our bottom two? Gordana says a bottom two placement won’t bother her if she’s confident in her work. We shall see if that’s true.

Tim Time! Tim guides CH’s inspiration by helping her mix up her fabrics. Tim calls Irina’s look unexpected in a good way, but she needs to finish carefully. Tim says that Christopher’s original look is “young, vibrant, sexy,” and the new gown “looks like her mother.” Tim likes Logan’s look, though it still needs work. He applauds Gordana’s risk-taking and advises her to stand by the look.

Barbie and Irina huddle over a snack and bitch about Logan: Barbie says he stole her zippered neckline idea – she used the same concept during the Christina Aguilera challenge. Irina encourages her to say something and Barbie promises to – but alas, the confrontation never occurs. Or not like you’re expecting it to! Wait for it. Also, it should be noted that Barbie and Irina have this weird friendship: in that Barbie seems to think that Irina’s her friend, and Irina doesn’t care about anyone other than herself. There’s no room for friends in a competition! In the past, we have seen Barbie go to Irina for feedback, which Irina helpfully gave. Still, there has always been some clear walls up around Irina. Barbie hasn’t noticed – or more likely believes those walls don’t apply to her. After all, she and Irina are pals during the Logan-hate bitch session.

Meanwhile, Logan interviews about Christopher’s tendency toward volume and his use of cheap fabrics. Then Irina says, “Christopher’s dress … what are you going to say about it, other than why is one dress throwing up the other?” Which means, Christopher will be safe, because Irina always hates on the people she thinks she should go home. And those people always end up safe.

Just before runway, we listen to more bitching from Barbie about Logan’s zipper concept theft. Barbie doesn’t think it’s worth calling Logan out. Then Irina interviews that Barbie is crazy for complaining, because Barbie actually stole Irina’s oversized sweater design from last challenge. Despite that Irina encouraged Barbie to confront Logan, Irina herself has no such plans – that’s what petty interview time is for. And the runway. Which means it’s time for…

Runway. Judges: Nina Garcia, Nick Verreos, and Kerry Washington.

CH: Cute, but a companion piece?  Barbie: Great top, hideous pants. Logan: Eh. Dated? Irina: Beautiful. Gordana: Boring. Nice jacket. Christopher: Over the top.

The judges say Christopher’s dress needed editing, and that he basically constructed two gowns which didn’t fit together. Nina’s not a fan of Irina’s dress – the sweater coat is great, the dress not so much – but all of the other judges disagree with Nina. They love both pieces. Heidi says Gordana’s look isn’t fun or fashionable, and Kerry calls the look passive. Wow. I actually liked the jacket – it could have been tailored better, but I did enjoy it. Oops. As for CH, the simplicity is “delicious,” and the judges loved the lightness and pockets. Nina says Logan’s dress looks like a fashion student project, and Nick says it screams “Judy Jetson.” Nice reference, Nick! Heidi wants Barbie’s look and calls the pants “genius.” What? I think they look together. Heidi then asks who developed the sweater idea first: Barbie or Irina? Barbie tries to laugh it off, but Irina explains that she introduced the knit look last week, and that there has been a little bit of resemblance between some designs. Nick offers that in this situation, that may be unavoidable. Irina claims that it should be obvious considering there’s only six people left. Barbie politely says that her sweater was part of her original and design, and Heidi saves the moment by re-stating that she loves Barbie’s look and that’s all there is to that.

Should Irina have said anything on the Runway if she wouldn’t say it to Barbie in person? I don’t think so, but I also have the feeling that part of the reason Irina spoke up was because the judges were praising Barbie’s look and she doesn’t like the competition. Either way, funny for us. It’d be nice if Barbie, who didn’t expect the attack, called Irina out on her hypocrisy sometime next week.

Over deliberation, it’s more of the same, so bring them all back out, and Barbie trumps Irina: Barbie wins! Irina, CH, and Christopher are safe. Between Gordana’s sad, drab and dated look and Logan’s exploding zipper dress, Gordana will return to fight another day. Logan’s beauty finally fails him, and he’s surprised that he’s heading home. Still, he’s looking forward to the future… and fashion in 2062.

There’s one more episode before Bryant Park – here’s to hoping that CH’s inspiration returns and that she doesn’t need to rely on Tim next time for ideas.

Next week: The final challenge!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 11: Best of the Best (originally aired October 29, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

Hey, remember when ANTM was innocent fun? It was only just a few weeks ago. Now people everywhere are taking offense, learning disabilities are used for comedy and suspense, and the girls won’t stop screaming. Really. I can’t take much more fake enthusiasm out of so called “adults.” I used to like these short girls and their big dreams, but they’ve devolved into average contestants now, and I can’t wait to say goodbye to them.

And after tonight, we’ve only got two more episodes to go before the finale! Aiyeeeee!!!

But first! Let’s get through this drama-filled episode. This week’s showdown: Brittany versus Erin! Brittany thinks Erin’s a big ol’ baby, and Erin thinks Brittany is a big ol’ shrew. And ne’er the twain shall meet. There’s lots of foul play editing here, because later, when (spoiler alert!) Erin wins the challenge and chooses Brittany to share the prize, Brittany concedes that she was a spoiled baby once too, so she lets a lot of it go – except that she doesn’t say it in an “Oops, I probably shouldn’t have been so catty” kind of way. And if Erin really hated Brittany, she probably wouldn’t have picked her for the prize.

So – imagine lots of mean interviews from Brittany and Erin about each other sprinkled throughout the episode. When the girls arrive home from judging, Tyra’s Haz-mat team fumigates the model house because there’s ants in the bathroom and dirty dishes in the sink. After a lesson in How to Clean Up After Yourself, Tyra surprises the girls with a trip to … Hawaii! No exotic, foreign location for these short girls! Cue the screaming! Which has been almost non-stop since the girls noticed something afoot at their digs. I muted my television until they reached Hawaii.

There’s a new house (scream!) and then it’s off to the beach for surfing lessons (scream!). Because balance and body awareness also relates to modeling, in case you were wondering. After the teach, Jay springs the challenge: the girls will take a photo while riding their surfboard. They have one chance to hit a wave and take a good photo. They all do surprisingly well – I’m basing this on the fact that they all stood up on the surfboard and posed, however awkwardly. Except for Sundai, who had her back to the photographer.

The Brittany/Erin rivalry continues (never started?). Jay likes them both, but he chooses Erin for the win. As her prize, she receives a helicopter tour of their Hawaiian island. She picks Nicole and Brittany to join her. Then comes Brittany’s snark-less interview about how annoying Erin is, but she’s been there so she can relate, which really makes me think all the antagonism this week is contrived. Erin, meanwhile, thinks she was jilted with her prize, because who cares about mountains? They’re just big rock formations, one after the other. It’s not like she won jewelry or a gift card or anything. Nature? Beauty? You can’t fool this fake blonde, Tyra!

Predictably (and rightfully so), come interviews from Sundai and Jennifer calling Erin a spoiled brat. Which saves me from having to say any more about Erin. Regarding this, at least. Much is made of Erin’s age (18) and immaturity. Also, guess who doesn’t react well to sunlight, even with SPF 80? Kentucky! Her skin is painfully red – I feel awful for her not because she’s my favorite (Me? Favoritism?), but because I’ve been stupid enough to burn myself that way and I understand the pain she’ll suffer later. Jay pointed out during the shoot how red she was turning … but you know, skin care’s just a minor modeling issue. Take a good photo!

Speaking of … on to the shoot! Out in the sugar canes, the girls meet Jay and Ms. Tyra. That’s right, she’s back to play photographer. While I think it’s a good sign that Tyra’s taking such an interest this year, I’m so so so tired of her.  And that was before we learn about…

The theme for this week’s shoot is Hapa, referring to Hawaii’s tradition of mixed heritages. Each girl will represent two different and distinct nationalities, with the help of hair and make-up. This means some girls, as required, will have their skin painted an entirely different color. The clothes will help make up the difference.

There’s been some buzz on the ‘net about whether this constitutes an issue of blackface. Some folks seem quick to point fingers. For my part, I’ll say that while I don’t believe Tyra meant any disrespect – no nationality is ridiculed here – I do think there were better fashion and educational opportunities in this photo shoot; the make-up was tasteful but the fashion choices were stereotypical. Tyra claims that these aren’t necessarily outfits worn by people of these nationalities today … or ever … they are “fashion interpretations.”  Bold colors do not fashion interpretations make, girl. A clichéd Native American headdress ain’t fashion – it’s reinforcing stereotypes. Also, none of the girls have any idea what Tyra’s talking about when she says, “Model like Tibet,” and “Show me East Indian.”  This isn’t a “Be the color blue” situation; the parameters require some knowledge of actual facts, which aren’t provided. So is black face the issue? I don’t think so. Ignorance? Absolutely.

And if it is a racial issue, I think it’s time to bring in the big guns to help put Ms. Tyra back on the right path (or at least back on the path she’s ventured too far from lately): It might be time to call Oprah.

And back to the show! Why are these reviews so serious lately? To hair, make-up, stereo-typical costumes, and then it’s off to the shoot. Jennifer (Batswana & Polynesian) is “a mess” until Jay provides inspiration, and then she nails her photo. Kentucky (Mexican & Greek) also disappoints Tyra at first, but asks for a blunt critique. Tyra tells it to her straight (“I’m not loving it”), and then Kentucky rocks it out. Erin (Tibetan & Egyptian), suddenly, finds Tyra intimidating, and can’t nail a shot. Sundai (Russian & Moroccan)  does okay. Jay likes her but I’m still not sure why she’s here.. Brittany (Native American & East Indian) finishes her shoot quickly, but without much variety in pose or creativity. Tyra calls it low energy and “catalog.” Nicole (Malagasy & Japanese) rocks Jay’s world and “turned it.”

Judging. Guest judge: Kirsty Hume, who’s ten times better than last week’s judge.

Jennifer is more National Geographic than model. She looks cool, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Kentucky, with bright, sunburned cheeks, impresses the judges, and Tyra likes that Kentucky asked for honesty and then delivered. Sundai has one look … one look! … and Ms. J’s growing tired of it. However, no one gives Erin a hard time for her one look. Am I the only one? She has the same face in every photo! Why is she still here? Erin claims to have been unnerved by Tyra the Judge, but the judges don’t buy that behind her back, though they encourage her to her face. She lacks edge and power behind the eyes. Brittany lacks energy and is too stoic; her headdress and sari overpower her. Tyra then drops the “catalog” word again. Nicole wows all of the judges, modeling head to toe, just the way Tyra taught her. And that’s what this is all about.

Over deliberation, everyone’s showing weaknesses except for Nicole, and then it’s time to line them back up. Called first: Nicole. Then Jennifer, Kentucky and Sundai. Bottom two: Erin and Brittany. And now the whole faux rivalry makes sense! The producers, instead of tackling something meaningful like blackface, stereotypes, or cultural differences, felt they needed to jazz up a boring episode with sketchy editing and fake hate, culminating in a final two they badly set up as rivals earlier in the episode. Brittany’s too analytical and formulaic, and Erin’s engaging in self-sabotage. Going home: Brittany. She takes it hard at first but has a positive weepy exit interview. My question: who’s Erin going to fight with next week?

Next week: An underwater photo shoot!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 9: Let’s Go Surfing (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Tyra Banks, and Ryan Goble

This episode is called “Meat Natalie.” Which sounds a little dirty, if you think about it.

But let’s save it for service, because I’m not the only one who’s a fan of That’s What She Said. This week, the editors nicely give nearly everyone some interview face time to throw us off the scent of the eliminated chef, but eventually, they can’t help themselves and the hints get bigger. And I am surprisingly sad to see this chef go.

But first! Pre-Quickfire chatter: Jennifer’s down on herself for last week’s loss in Restaurant Wars. As you should be! Kevin and Jennifer producing poor dishes? Nonsense! Robin, meanwhile, thinks she solidified her right to still be here. This woman’s crazy.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Paul Bartolotta. The chefs must re-imagine a gourmet version of the TV dinner and draw knives to determine which show will inspire their meal. Mike I. claims to never have seen a single episode of Seinfeld, which is ludicrous. Yes, there is something wrong with that. I’m not even a Seinfeld fan, for crying out loud. Robin claims ignorance about Sesame Street. Eli doesn’t “get” Gilligan’s Island because it was before his time. Come on now! Can the people who appear on television really not be television fans? My heart breaks a little. Jennifer compares herself to Pebbles on The Flintstones but doesn’t explain why. Interesting. I would have guessed Fred: all bark and no bite. Anyway, she commits a few more errors and incorrectly cooks her food. Once again, she’s not happy.

Paul doesn’t believe that Mike I. has never seen Seinfeld. Also, his least favorites: Jennifer and Robin. Oh, Jennifer. You were the only woman with any hope of (rightfully) making it to the final. Paul’s top two are Bryan and Kevin, with Kevin receiving the immunity-less win.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will take over craftsteak for one night to serve a party of eleven people. It’s not until after the chefs raid craft’s meat locker the next day that Colicchio introduces the guest of honor and guest judge, Natalie Portman. And oh wait, I know we’re cooking in a steakhouse, but guess what? Natalie’s a vegetarian! Oh, if only we hadn’t seen this just a few months ago with someone just as petite but a little more quirky. Still, I like Ms. Portman (as does Mike I., if that grin is any indication). Like Eli, I immediately think of her role in Star Wars (“Which is the only important thing you can do.”) because I had to watch Episode II recently with my niece and nephew. That was painful. At any rate, the chefs all groan and rework their dishes. Kevin, Robin and Mike I. don’t worry as they’re all comfortable cooking vegetarian. Mike I. in particular has over twenty vegetarian dishes on his personal menu.

And then come the mistakes! Robin prepares a brand new dish, believing that all the components are good, so it’ll just come together. Because that’s how things work here. Mike I. undercooks his leeks because Colicchio’s pans are lopsided and the water doesn’t boil. Still, he says “gold medals are lost in the last six minutes when people change their minds.” That’s actually a great quote, and I’m surprised I agree since it’s coming from Mike I. Bryan stumbles for the first time ever as he loses track of time and puts out sloppy, incomplete dishes. He’s not proud of his work.

Jennifer and Eli both want eggplant, and after a toss of some vegetables (coins not being readily available in a kitchen) Eli wins the eggplant filets and Jennifer winds up with baby eggplants. She realizes she should change her idea, but incorrectly decides to stick with it. You get the impression she really doesn’t want to think much more. Meanwhile, Eli wants to break out of the middle of the pack and win for a change, because maturity is underrated. His words, not mine.

For those doing well, Kevin makes a dish he’s made before, as he and his wife regularly give up meat for Lent. No dirty jokes here, kids! His goal is to make the dish feel as though it’s not missing a meat component.

Service. Gail is back! Robin’s dish, though beautiful in presentation, suffers from a salt issue. Also, she runs out of time during plating and misses the chance to add garbanzo beans to all the plates. Naturally, Colicchio receives one of those plates. Eli warns the other chefs about Natalie’s hot friends; the diners seem to enjoy his dish, despite too much lavender. All of the diners love Mike V.’s dish, with one of the them calling him Picasso. The dish makes Natalie smile and laugh, and confuses her. Which, literally, is the reaction he’s going for, so … maybe he is Picasso. Suddenly, Jennifer’s nervous – she decides to sauce the dishes tableside and she ends up spilling half of it because her hands are shaking so much. Oh lord. Though the diners enjoy her food (if not the spilling of the sauce), her meal isn’t substantial and feels more like a collection of side dishes. Bryan’s dish contains just a little too much garlic: Padma says, “It’s like a little prick in your mouth,” and right on cue, Natalie laughs and says, “Don’t say that!”  The conversation devolves from there, in a very funny way that makes me feel justified for my Michael Scott moments. Kevin’s dish is basically only kale, turnips and mushrooms, but the diners enjoy it as a fulfilling meal, not just as a collection of vegetables.

Judges’ Table. Padma summons Kevin, Mike V., and Eli. Despite the more obvious love of Mike V.’s dish, Kevin wins the challenge along with a full suite of GE products. Mike V. is pissed, as he feels Kevin’s dish could have been pulled together in twenty minutes in his second year of apprenticeship. Kevin, meanwhile, is proud of the win. This should make for an interesting finale, right? Oh come on, we all know these two will be there.

Bring out the losers: Mike I., Jennifer and Robin. Mike I. takes some heat for not including a protein, such an important component for a vegetarian. The undercooked leek comes back to haunt him, as does his “whatever, whatever” vegetables. He doesn’t seem to think it was that bad. Robin talks circles for a few minutes before Colicchio correctly interprets her rambling as an idea that never found cohesion. Jennifer accepts defeat from the word go, all but giving her farewell interview.

Over deliberation, the judges discuss Jennifer’s defeatist attitude (burnout!), and Mike’s arrogance. Here’s where I miss Gail the most – she is more offended by Mike’s attitude rather than his food.

Call them back out, and Mike goes home! There were hints throughout the episode, but I still thought we’d say good-bye to Robin this week. Or rather, I hoped. So did everyone else, based on their reactions when Mike I. walks back into the Stew Room. While I’m happy that I can drop the initials from the Mikes’ name now, I still find myself a little disappointed that Mike I. is leaving. He’s obnoxious and sexist, but I guess I actually enjoyed watching him more than I do Robin and Eli. Who knew? (I bet he thinks he did.)

Though I found this episode and its vegetarian twist more enjoyable than I’ve found the last few episodes, TC loses ten points for rehashing the challenge from just a few months ago in the Masters series. I don’t mind the Masters coming to judge (Moonen, Keller) but it’s a little too soon to steal ideas.

Next week: Padma in bed, and someone gambles and loses!

For another take on this episode, check out Pricking On by Nicole Cn.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 10: Meat Natalie (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

I’m just going to say now: I’m disappointed.

But before we get into that, let’s catch up! Gordana thinks it’s cool she’s made it this far. Which begs the question: if you didn’t think you had it in you, why did you come here and take the spot of someone potentially more interesting than you? Nicolas talks about asserting himself as a designer and taking a Me, Me, Me approach. Christopher goes on again about his lack of formal training – yet look how far he’s come. For the moment, he forgets how often he’s landed in the bottom.

The designers meet Tim and Michael Kors on Rodeo Drive to introduce the Michael Kors challenge, aka the silliest frikkin’ challenge ever. Kors charges the group with creating real or imaginary designs based on a picture of a locale that inspires them. But we’re going to narrow those locales down even more to places that have inspired Michael Kors. So it’s not really about the designers on the show, it’s actually about Michael Kors. For some reason.

Huh? Why not give the designers cameras and drop them off in a botanical garden somewhere? Or in different neighborhoods of L.A.? Does L.A. not lend itself to finding inspirational beauty in the city? I just think it’s a little silly to take someone else’s muse and then call this a challenge about inspiration. It appears that the designers receive only one picture of each locale, not even a dossier with additional information.

Moving on. The designers all applaud, showing me that I’m the only one with the issue. The pairings: CH picks Palm Beach; Nicolas chooses Greece (and not NY because that’s too easy and he wants a challenge. Noted.);  Barbie chooses St. Tropez; Gordana picks New York; Irina chooses Aspen; Christopher lands Santa Fe; and last man called Logan is left with Hollywood. They have $150 and one day to complete the challenge.

Irina notes how other people joke and laugh frequently, causing a delay in their work because of the constant distraction. Irina, meanwhile, only laughs when critiquing other people and their work. Gordana interviews that some people might crack under the pressure; the editors then provide ominous shots of Logan and Christopher.

Tim Time. Gordana makes Tim nervous because she’s spent most of the day working on a jeweled neckpiece without starting the dress. Tim warns Christopher about his clichéd Santa Fe colors and design, and encourages him to ratchet up the sophistication. Tim worries that CH’s printed dress is too common and needs distinction. Nicolas calls his own design “different,” and Tim warns him to make it stunning. He advises Logan to make sure the multiple parts of his look are cohesive.

Irina provides further commentary: she’s surprised (note: she’s laughing) by Christopher’s continued presence because she thinks his dress is something an Amish woman would wear. Nicolas, meanwhile, thinks that Irina’s outfit borders on costume-y, and “it’s really not [his] thing.”  Irina thinks that people are getting by on the bare minimum, and that the level of talent and creativity hasn’t increased. Except for her own of course, because she’s out to top herself week after week. Later, she pretends to be friends with people.

Nicolas runs into problems because he chose jersey as the material for his top but has no experience working with it. He begins to worry about elimination. Barbie comments that “if Christopher can put that garment down the runway and not get eliminated, then I don’t know what’s going on.” Even he realizes that he’s gone “Little House on the Prairie,” and then cuts at least twenty inches from the dress. He thinks it’s a brilliant move, whereas anyone else would have called it absolutely necessary.

Runway. Guest judge: Milla Jovovich. Which is fantastic. I just watched The Fifth Element this morning!

Logan: Not really Hollywood? Barbie: Sure. But not groundbreaking. Nicolas: Sigh. Not Greece. CH: Beautiful dress, lacks some originality. Christopher: Cute pieces, but not together. Irina: Aspen glamour! Gordana: Beautiful cocktail dress.

Safe: Barbie.

Irina’s outfit has surprise and sexiness in her 1980s Aspen look. The fantasy is “cool” and the tailoring “impeccable.”  Kors says Christopher’s dress is almost a costume, and Heidi says the handmade belt is the only interesting thing about the garment. Nina points out all of the inspiration from Santa Fe that Christopher could have borrowed from, but didn’t. Milla says she’d live in CH’s dress, and the judges love the print choice. The braiding impresses Nina especially. Kors says that Nicolas’s Greece is more Grease. Get it? Milla likes the shirt and says that he should have taken that idea and gone all the way with it instead of stopping short. Nina wonders where the fantasy is. Heidi thinks Gordana’s dress is “quite beautiful” and Kors calls it urban, sexy and sophisticated. They also love the neckpiece, which I admit, looks fantastic. Nina doesn’t like Logan’s look, but Heidi gets it and “doesn’t mind it.” Kors and Milla both tell him that he should have pushed it farther. Kors says of the outfit: “They’re clothes, they’re not fashion.”

Deliberation is more of the same, with Milla adding that Gordana needs to show more confidence instead of putting down her own work on the Runway.  Milla Jovovich is a great guest this week. She’s passionate about her opinions and seems very comfortable. I hate her hair, but otherwise, I really enjoyed her contributions. Bring her back!

Out come the designers, and this week’s winner: Irina. She’s a bitch, but there’s no argument here: she’s the only one who put forth an incredible and runway-worthy look. Safe: CH, Gordana and Logan. Between Christopher’s lack of fantasy and inspiration and Nicolas’s lack of effort, Heidi sends Nicolas home. Do you see why I’m so disappointed? First an awful challenge, awful designs, and then Nicolas suffers the auf wiedersehen. He takes it well, I guess. But he’s so much fun! Everyone else are duds. Talented duds, but they’re boring to watch.

Which sums up this season: lots of talent, but the personalities are so bland you could fast forward through most of the episode and not miss anything. Before we at least had Irina’s cattiness and Nicolas’s commentary, but now we’re just left with Irina. And only three more people to send home before Bryant Park.

Next week: “Horrifying,” “big scary mess,” and fashion plagiarism!

For another take on this episode, read Where in the World is Project Runway? by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 10: Around the World in Two Days (originally aired October 22, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

This season of Top Chef is turning into Flash Forward: the best parts are the beginning and the end. By the beginning, I mean the Quickfire, and by the end, I mean the part where they say who’s won and who’s lost. Everything in between disappoints right now. The elimination of the less talented chefs is dragging this season out – we know who the top five chefs are, and now we’re just going through the motions until we whittle this competition down.

So let’s go through the motions together! Pre-Quickfire chatter: People still dislike Robin, and everyone misses Ash. Aw. Kevin reveals that the Voltaggio brothers argue all the time.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Rick Moonen. The chefs break into teams of four for a high stakes Quickfire worth $10,000 to split amongst the winners – which seems kind of cheap, doesn’t it? Wait for it. After drawing knives, Jennifer and Mike V. end up team captains. The teams will create one cohesive dish, with each chef working for only 10 minutes when their turn comes up. There’s blindfolds and no one knows what the person before them is doing and so on – it started off kind of exciting and then drags on too long.

Mike V.’s team consists of himself, brother Bryan, Robin and Eli, leaving Jennifer with Mike I., Kevin and Laurine. Though Moonen likes both final dishes, he chooses Jennifer’s team as the ultimate winners. They have the option to take the $10,000 to split immediately, or to let it ride. If they win the elimination challenge, they will win $10,000 each (that explains the cheap high stakes Quickfire). They let it ride.

Because tonight, it’s … Restaurant Wars! The teams remain the same as they take over Moonen’s two story restaurant with its dual kitchen. Mike V.’s team (Team Revolt) deals with Mike’s propensity for being a bossy dick, while Jennifer’s team (Team Mission – yeah, I know) suffers from the decision to nix dessert and to cook too many complicated dishes.

Eli and Robin put aside their differences while everyone on Mission seems to think that Laurine is an asset. I don’t get it. She offers to run front of the house since she’s comfortable there and has experience. This season, the person who runs front of house is also responsible for one dish, and in Laurine’s instance, Kevin cooks her lamb dish. Which seems like a slam dunk because it’s Kevin, but turns out: not so much.

During service, Mission struggles with timing and front of the house issues: Laurine isn’t firing the dishes in a timely manner, so many people are left waiting too long between courses. She’s late producing the judges’ meals and fails to give a proper explanation of the food, appearing tableside only when summoned. The judges don’t love the lack of dessert, and find fault with every dish on the menu. Laurine’s lamb dish seems to take the most abuse for being severely undercooked, which falls to Kevin. However, Laurine also didn’t insist that he cook them properly, so she takes part of the blame.

Downstairs at Revolt, the judges mock the name of the restaurant and mock Eli, but otherwise enjoy nearly everything they eat. Even the bland, ordinary dish (Eli) fares far better than anything produced at Mission.

Though Mission encounters difficulty communicating with Laurine, the real backstage drama goes on at Revolt. Mike V. orders his team around, curses at his brother, and generally turns into a dick. Absolute power, my friend. Understandably, he doesn’t trust Robin with her own dish, feeling that she’s out of her league now, but he crosses the line in trying to make it for her. She takes offense and snaps and curses at him, he in turn yells at her for cursing, and Bryan finally steps in to split them up. Now, Bryan can be an ass, but I’m beginning to think he had no choice with a brother like Mike.

As proof, the editors provide us with a brief montage of Mike V. talking about how humble and kind he is, and that arrogance doesn’t belong in the kitchen. Meanwhile, snapshots of Mike V. being that exact kind of jerk he claims to despise show up on screen. In a boring episode, that was definitely a highlight.

Judges’ Table.  Revolt wins, surprising no one, least of all Mission. The judges note that Eli’s dish was the least win-worthy, though still delicious, then hand out a series of compliments to everyone, including Robin. Mike V. seems to try to take credit for Robin’s dish – she politely calls him dominating. Eventually, Moonen declares Mike V. the winner. He wins the $10,000 from the Quickfire that Mission gambled away. He offers to split it amongst his team.

As Mission heads in to face the judges, further controversy in the Stew Room develops as Bryan claims he doesn’t want Mike V.’s money. Mike won, therefore he deserves it. Mike V. takes the opportunity to needle his brother some more. Bryan comments that he’s tired of watching his brother be rewarded for being unprofessional.

I think this is part of why I’m bored. If I wanted to see siblings fight, I’d call home and lie to my brother about something my other brother never said, then “let it ride,” if you will, to see what develops. I don’t need this here, especially because watching these two argue is boring and predictable. Mike’s a jerk and Bryan’s uptight. End of story, already!

To the losers! Everyone on Mission knows they did wrong and do a better job of explaining why than the judges. Specifically, it seems to come down to Jennifer’s awful food and decision-making, and Laurine’s poor front of house and poor direction of Kevin. The team ultimately failed because no one stepped up as leader. The judges deliberate and rehash all the same comments, which leads us, finally, to Padma saying: “Laurine. Please pack your knives and go.”

In her exit interview, Laurine remains optimistic despite the difficult loss. She will genuinely miss everyone, but I’m not sure we’ll remember her next week. After Robin leaves (hopefully next week), it will really come down to the best chefs in the entire competition. And then this should finally get good.

Next week: Mike I. has the creepy hots for Natalie Portman, and someone’s making disgusting food!

For another take on this episode, check out Ready, Set, Restaurant Wars! by Nicole C.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 9: Restaurant Wars (originally aired October 21, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

Or…the One Where Tyra Laughs at Dyslexic People. Oh, I’m sure she wasn’t really laughing, but I maintain this episode was a cruel joke at Kentucky’s expense.

And at our expense. Because this week, we also have the much-hyped visit of Kim Kardashian as guest judge. Is it wrong to hate someone for no reason other than that they make appearances on my favorite shows? Because that’s how I feel about the Kardashians. It’s all fine if they want to do whatever it is they do on the E! network, but first Khloe shows up on CelebApprentice, then Kim shows up here…and why? To pretend to be good at something other than whatever it is they do? (Not that I thought Trump was right in his argument for sending Khloe home, but it would have happened eventually…)

But first! We begin with Rae’s interview, where she talks about how much she loves and misses her daughter. But, remember,  she’s here for the right reasons and wants to win. She’s gung ho about showing off her personality to the judges. It’s a nice little speech: therefore, Rae will go home. Rae’s chunk of interview time combined with last week’s deliberation about “model potential” all but lock her in as this week’s target.

Also in the editors’ spotlight is Erin, who continues the Nicole-hate with comments about how she’s more relatable to average girls than Nicole could be. If average girls are catty bitches who hate anyone who a) is different from them; and b) excels and receives more praise, then yes, Erin is more relatable.

…

Moving on. We learn that Kentucky suffers from severe dyslexia, a condition which caused other kids and teachers to call her stupid. It doesn’t help with that accent but I can’t imagine anyone disliking or having reason to make fun of this girl. We haven’t had anyone as genuinely likeable as Kentucky in a while.

But it’s at the Teach and Challenge that things really heat up. The girls meet Lara Spencer from the Insider and learn the very, very basics of interviewing celebrities. The Challenge portion consists of interviewing Jessica Lowndes (cross promotion!) on the Insider set, with questions provided by teleprompter. Spencer and surprise guest, Ann Shoket, sit in the control booth to watch and judge. Now, what the girls don’t know is that after the first question, the teleprompter will turn to nonsense, challenging the girls to think on their feet.

Everyone does okay, with Jennifer and Erin rocking it like they’ve been doing this for years. Rae is forgettable (I’m paraphrasing the judges’ remarks) and Nicole asks inappropriate questions. Kentucky reads the teleprompter slowly, careful about reading each word. She looks away and when she turns back, she’s faced with nonsense text. There’s confusion, panic, curses, and almost tears. She pulls it together and continues, but she’s flustered by her sudden illiteracy. The editing suggests she might have waited a good five minutes before continuing, but I’m guessing it was closer to 30 seconds. Still a long time for dead air, but the editing is shady here.

The winner: Erin! She chooses Jennifer and Rae to do some Seventeen photo shoot for Christmas.

Allow me a moment to pull out my poorly made soapbox. I don’t take issue with forcing a dyslexic model to read from a teleprompter, as a working model may need to develop this skill. But taking a severely dyslexic person and messing with her head seems cruel and unnecessary. Why couldn’t the screen just go blank? The nonsense symbols and words threw Kentucky into a panicked stupor, not the idea of winging the interview. Kentucky clearly couldn’t decide if she could no longer read at all or if something wasn’t right with the screen.

Despite Tyra’s “ignorance” during panel, I find it hard to believe that Tyra’s entire production team had no idea about Kentucky’s dyslexia. Possibly, Kentucky kept this information to herself, and possibly her interviews where she speaks openly about the disability could have been taped post-challenge so no one knew better. I have a hard time believing these two scenarios, but they’re both possibilities. Even if they are true, the sequence of events doesn’t favor Tyra. The whole challenge reads like a bad joke.

And thank you, I’m putting the soapbox away. Back at the house, Erin feels amazing because she is the challenge winner and therefore, better than everyone else. The model house never lacks for ego, that’s for sure.

This week, the Cover Girl commercial replaces the photo shoot. Each girl must write and memorize her own script. They are encouraged to make the script personal and natural. Erin irks her housemates by finishing hers first, memorizing it, and retiring early. And gloating. Never forget Erin’s habit of gloating.

Nigel Barker arrives to direct the shoot (Jay is there with purple hair, FYI). Nicole surprises everybody, including myself, with a pretty good commercial. She smizes and shows personality. Sundai speaks and moves awkwardly. I keep forgetting about her this week. Jennifer nails the commercial, even if she comes off a little insincere. Speaking of insincere, hello Brittany! Nigel thinks she sounds like a robot, even with (or because of) perfectly memorized lines. Rae delivers a shaky, uneven performance filled with worry. Kentucky stumbles through her commercial as well, and explains how her dyslexia negatively affects her memory. She doesn’t dwell on it and her personality shines through. Finally, Erin arrives on set full of confidence. However, she turns into a tearful mess as she forgets her lines, then cries, then has her make-up reapplied. Repeat that cycle three more times. She also manages a complete take, but can’t hold her smile through the last seconds, and crumbles.

Judging. Guest judge: that Kardashian fool. Don’t make me pull my soapbox back out!

Sundai possesses a car salesman quality – for clarification, this is unattractive. Rae pushes herself, but not far enough and the real Rae didn’t come through. Despite the overacting, the judges love Jennifer’s commercial. They don’t like Nicole as much as I do, but her smizing works in her favor. Kentucky takes a few lumps for her poor commercial, but here Tyra asks for edification on the whole pesky dyslexia thing. Ms. J says that despite all the craziness in her life, she still takes such beautiful pictures. What? The judges hit Brittany up with Robots Don’t Win Modeling Competitions critiques, and Tyra encourages her to use math to make herself accessible. What?? How, exactly, would that work? Finally, there’s Erin, who starts crying on the spot with frustration. Tyra thinks that a moving camera doesn’t love her as much as a still camera.

Over deliberation, Tyra repeats her crazy comment about Brittany turning math into modeling or something, and then we bring the girls back out. Called first: Jennifer. Bottom two: Erin and Rae. Four times with the make-up reapplying, Erin? All those tears, Erin? Meanwhile, Rae is boring. Going home: Rae.

Not a surprise, considering the comments in last week’s deliberation. That, plus Brittany’s Mr. Roboto personality, show her looking good for elimination next round. But all in all, the Insider challenge makes this a pretty terrible episode in my mind.

Next week: Overseas trip?

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 8: Interview 101 (originally aired October 21, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW

Wizard World’s Big Apple Comic Con came to New York this past weekend, and if you’re a fan of comics and the Con’s celebrity guests, you were in for a nice, quiet treat.

Significantly smaller than New York Comic Con, BACC focuses more on comic books and their fans, with a broad array of talent in the Artists Alley and a large vendor floor for comic book and toy shopping. As hosted by Wizard World, this makes sense – they’re in the business of comics, not in the business of promoting movies and television. Picture your local comic book store and then amplify the size of it by ten or so. That same shopping experience existed at Manhattan’s Pier 94, but with a few extra benefits.

Comics and associated paraphernalia (toys, figures, art, etc.) could be appraised or sold to vendors at dedicated booths. There was limited video game play, though Nintendo (the most recognizable name next to William Shatner) welcomed its guests with helpful attendants and plenty of opportunity to play the new Super Mario, Punchout and Zelda games, among others. Up and comers Concrete Immortalz met visitors just inside the door to promote their new comic.

What BACC does better than NYCC is allow interaction with celebrity guests.  As a result of a smaller venue and crowds (and possibly, smaller celebrity names), fans were able to see the majority of BACC’s guests from just a few feet away (but any unauthorized photo taking of Nichelle Nichols resulted in an immediate verbal putdown. Lady is fierce.). And if you’re a fan of sci-fi, especially the classic stuff, this year’s convention had some great movie and television guests: Gil Gerard, Erin Gray, Julie Newmar, Adam West, Lou Ferrigno, William Shatner (William f—ing Shatner!), Nichols, Herb Jefferson, Jr., Kate Mulgrew, John Billingsley, Linda Hamilton, Billy Dee Williams, and members of the BSG cast. With the opportunity to wait on short lines and walk up to almost any guest, fans could chat with their favorite stars, take photographs, and pay for autographs. Top dogs like Shatner, Mulgrew and Brent Spiner only appeared for fans at designated intervals (I never caught a glimpse of Shatner myself), but there were plenty of other celebrities to keep everyone occupied.

Because not only were comic book stars and sci-fi celebrities in attendance, stars from the most random genres were all over this place. Wrestlers such as Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff took photos with fans; baseballers: Doc Gooden, Pete Rose, and Yogi Berra represented; and Christopher Knight and wife Adrienne Curry inexplicably landed their own booth across from a BBQ vendor. The Duke Brothers also met with fans and attended a panel for a Dukes reunion. This was, without doubt, one of the craziest line-ups of guests I’ve ever seen. Naughty by Nature (yes…the OPP guys) and Taylor Dayne provided entertainment at the after parties on Friday and Saturday nights, respectively. And if you can’t’ see the humor in that, I’ll never be able to explain it to you.

Though Marvel and DC did not promote their brands by hosting booths, Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada did conduct a panel about his work and Marvel’s upcoming projects. Other comic legends Jim Lee and Neal Adams also spoke to fans at different panels and were scheduled for autograph signings.

Q & A Panel w/ Kate Mulgrew

In particular, I visited two panels – one, a Q&A with Kate Mulgrew, and the other, a Q&A with stars of Battlestar Galactica. Mulgrew was charming, entertaining, panned her viewing of Oleanna the night before, and couldn’t be happier to answer questions from the audience. She admitted to not having seen the new Star Trek movie. As a captain for seven years, the show was a large part of her life, and there’s no rush to watch someone else tackle command.

She also spoke about her role as an inspiration for women, especially female scientists who saw Janeway as another option – women could lead in a science driven field, not simply sit back in research positions. She spoke passionately about her new gig on Mercy, and the opportunity to explore Alzheimer’s as part of her storyline (Mulgrew is a national spokesperson for the Alzheimer’s Association). Despite Voyager ending eight years ago, she happily shared anecdotes from the show and production, including her insistence to keep the relationship between Janeway and Chakotay platonic, and how good friend Robert Picardo started with her on day one, and stayed “there to the bitter end,” greeting her when she finished her last solo takes after the series wrapped production.

BSG panel cast members: Rekha Sharma, Luciana Carro and Aaron Douglas

During the BSG panel, cast members Aaron Douglas, Michael Hogan, Rekha Sharma, and Luciana Carro discussed the season finale and, amidst teasing and easy camaraderie, answered questions from the audience. Most notably, Carro learned of her character’s death not from the producers, but when her roommate read the script and informed her over the phone (oops!). Hogan would be willing to revisit his character for further exploration, while the others seemed less inclined to do so. Hogan also spoke in glowing terms of Edward James Olmos as director, and spoke even more highly of composer Bear McCreary’s work on the show. Douglas spoke for the group as he (politely) criticized the Syfy network for their abysmal promotion and scheduling of the show (as prompted by a fan, who agreed with Douglas).  As for upcoming projects, Sharma will appear briefly in the upcoming V remake; Hogan just wrapped a guest appearance on Psych; Carro will appear on Caprica, but not as Kat (no further details provided); and Douglas moves to CBS for The Bridge. Collectively, they could not explain how Cylons were created or how they age (or don’t). I think the only person who may know is Perlow, but he wasn’t there to explain.

But back to celebrities that make you go hmmm … could I pass up an opportunity to talk with a former contestant of the Celebrity Apprentice? Well, yes, I could because I’ve passed up an opportunity to talk to Stephen Baldwin (and wouldn’t you?). However, one of my favorites from last season, Brande Roderick, had a booth at BACC. She looked fabulous, and loved her time on the Apprentice. “It was a lot of fun, but exhausting. We worked six days a week for five weeks.” However, she welcomes the opportunity to raise money for her charity, XXX, so she would participate in a similar venture any time. And as for Joan’s win, “it is what it is,” but “Annie’s the one that deserved it.”

Joanne Kelly and Saul Rubinek

And listeners of The J Factor will note that I’m a fan of Warehouse 13, so I took a moment to speak with one of the shows leads, Joanne Kelly, about her character, Myka. Though not a fan of the sci-fi genre, Kelly grew up a fan of fantasy novels, citing Tolkien and David Eddings as favorite authors. But now that she’s here, she’s enjoying her time on Syfy’s breakout hit. Her favorite episode so far is “Duped” because of the opportunity to play multiple characters and the challenge that represented. She’s open to what the writers have in store for Myka, saying, “You know you’ve got a good job when you’re excited when the script comes under the door and you don’t dread reading it … I can’t wait to see what they came up with.”  As for Myka’s growth in season one, “I was interested in showing the cracks in her façade.”  Next season, “I’m going to loosen her up a little bit … It’s hard to go in every day … and stick a giant stick up my ass.”

So, is the Big Apple Comic Con worth attending? If you’re a fan of comic books, yes – the Shopping Alley is worth a visit if you need to supplement your collection, and the crowds are never so overwhelming to keep you from browsing. The talent in the Artists’ Alley is also worth a peek. I recommend checking out the line-up of celebrities first if that’s more your thing – if you find a favorite, you will have a chance to meet anyone in attendance (I recommend Friday afternoon, when the crowds are even smaller but most of the celebrities are still around with plenty of time on their hands). The panels, though fewer in number and variety, also consist of smaller but eager crowds. You might have to fight someone for a seat in the first row, but there’s no need to line up an hour (or two or three) in advance, and the atmosphere is a little more casual, from the fans to the celebrities. I think it helps that the majority of people weren’t in costume (though of course, there’s always a few) – this isn’t the spectacle that NYCC and SDCC are. If you don’t mind the lack of glitz and glamour, BACC is worth visiting. Although I’d be careful before spending money on a three day pass. It’s not that big.

This may be my favorite Project Runway this season, because it has everything! Suspense, good guys, bad guys, sequins, celebrities, and intrigue. Everything, in fact, except for Michael Kors. But Nina is back. And if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Nina and Kors were the same person since they don’t do any shows together anymore. Are our two favorite fashionista critics not getting along? See, now I’m starting rumors. This episode does have everything!

And so: After Heidi warns the designers that no more immunity will be awarded, they head over to meet Tim at FIDM’s Museum, where he introduces Bob Mackie. If this were ANTM, all the designers would be screaming their heads off right now. You know they want to. Behind Tim and Mackie are mannequins donned in Mackie’s many outrageous and sparkly designs, thus explaining without words why Mackie is called the Sultan of Sequins. There are some crazy fun looks there, I have to say.

The challenge: To create an extravagant stage look in the style of Bob Mackie. Further, the celebrity they will design for: Christina Aguilera. What??? That’s fantastic. I know, where the hell has Christina Aguilera been. Who cares? She’s here!

Nicolas gives us some interviews about how he idolizes Mackie and how similar their work process is. He’s going to blast the industry with his knowledge this week, so watch out, it could get messy.

CH mentions that she’s out of her comfort zone this week, and that she never does things this over the top. Can I just point out now that Epperson would have made a stunning dress. I’m sorry we’ll never see what could have been. But back to CH, and immediately I worry for her. She has all kinds of interviews, highlighting her crush on Logan, her desire to win, and the kooky, crazy things she says while she works. Yes, this sudden focus could also mean she wins, but the last person who had a montage about the noises she made while she worked was Louise, and that was in the very same episode that saw her sent home. And here is the suspense, as the editors toy with my emotions. CH is my favorite, and I am already sad for the day she goes home.

But later in the episode, hope for CH springs anew as Irina makes nasty comments about CH and her level of skill. And as has been proven before, when Irina can’t understand the simple aesthetics of her fellow designers, those people tend to win or make the top four. So here’s to hoping Irina’s scorn still has some magic power. Nicolas points out that while Irina is extremely talented, she’s an incredible bitch. It’s a good thing she ain’t here to make friends (“I’m here to win!”), because she’s not leaving here with any.

Meanwhile, Christopher works on an ‘80s punk-prom look with a beaded corset and short skirt underneath a coat. He’s worried about how strong he started versus how poorly he’s done lately. Logan doesn’t follow Christina Aguilera, which explains why he chose fur and a leopard print. Oh, Logan. Gordana suffers a meltdown and just … blanks. Her immunity comes in handy this week, which just goes to show, she should not still be here. She ultimately scraps her look and starts over. Shirin designs a long gown … that really defies description. But it’s bad. There are a surprising number of gowns,  considering this is for Christina Aguilera. For her, the more flesh the better.

Tim Time. Tim tells Christopher that his look is dated and not slutty enough, basically. Christopher worries because he’s never dressed a celebrity before. Gordana’s dress is matronly, and Nicolas’s look is too similar to his Ice Queen dress. CH’s black dress has potential wow factor, which warms my heart. Shirin’s dress looks like “Guinevere meets Vampira.” Not Tim, too. Vampires are everywhere! He says her dress looks like student work. Irina interviews that she doesn’t understand why Shirin is still here, since far better designers have gone home. (Epperson!)

Runway. Guest Judge: Bob Mackie. Nina returns, and then here comes Christina Aguilera!

Barbie: Gorgeous, but not really Christina? Logan: Cute, but definitely not Christina. Shirin: Not terrible, but very amateur. Christopher: Great outerwear, very Ladies of WWE. Nicolas: Very Christina. Gordana: More red carpet-ish, what’s with the boobs? Irina: Cute, but not Christina. CH: Gorgeous, glamorous, but stage-worthy?

Safe this week: Irina. Also – Gordana because of her immunity. Heidi points out if she hadn’t been safe, her “disaster” would be up for elimination.

CH admits she wasn’t comfortable with the materials and focused on one high glamour piece. Christina thinks she did an amazing job and could see herself in the dress. Mackie loves the black on black textures. Shirin concedes she’s not happy with her dress because she took on too much. Heidi calls it an “upscale witch Halloween dress.” Nina liked the top half, but the bottom was too Carmen Miranda. Mackie likes Barbie’s construction, and I have to agree that Barbie’s creativity added to a great look. Nina points out that the long train might be cumbersome. The judges beat up Christopher again, this time for styling his outfit so similar to Christina’s previous looks, and Mackie says he wouldn’t put it on a chorus girl. Heidi loves Nicolas’s look, and Christina calls it fun. She likes that she can move and shimmy in it. Logan’s fur and leopard is a little “cavewoman,” and he doesn’t push the envelope enough.

Over deliberation, the judges rehash the same comments, so bring them back out! The winner: Carol-Hannah! I scream like I’m on ANTM. Okay, almost screamed. Finally! Even though I’m not sure it should have won. And with the editors having some fun with my emotions this week, it was nice to have some suspense and still see my favorite win. Also safe: Barbie, Nicolas, and Logan. Between Christopher and Shirin, Christopher’s rehashed Lady Marmalade is slightly better than Shirin’s boring look. Good-bye little one! We’ll miss your craziness (not really). We catch a nice, impatient look from Irina as Shirin tearfully says good-bye. It will be awesome if Irina doesn’t win the whole thing. The crushing blow to her ego will be fun to watch.

As for Shirin, I’d have rather her stayed over Gordana, but that’s the trouble/nice thing about immunity. I don’t hate the judges this week, and that’s all that matters.

Next week: Kors and Nina share the screen again!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 9: Sequins, Feathers and Fur, Oh My! (originally aired October 15, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

This episode of Top Chef is brought to you by the letters P and T – for Palmer, Pigs, Pinot, Pairings, and Tension!

But first! Pre-Quickfire chatter: Mike V. compares himself to Babe Ruth. Because, you know, even the Babe had some down days, and Mike V.’s just as legendary. I mean, obviously. Eli, 25, lives at home and doesn’t mind the stigma. Free rent! That’s a man for you. Just kidding, male readers!

Quickfire. Padma wears a questionable white belt and just as questionable white boots. Hey, I’m qualified! Guest chef: Charlie Palmer. Mike V. and Bryan have both worked with Palmer, Mike for one year, Bryan for ten. Palmer assures everyone that he will remain impartial. The challenge: create a dish incorporating Alexia’s Crunchy Snacks, with an emphasis on “pairing.”

Palmer is Bryan’s biggest influence, but he makes Mike V. nervous. Bryan thinks it’s funny that Mike believes that Palmer doesn’t like him; so funny that Bryan doesn’t even smile. Bryan’s killing me, especially after last week’s snap at Kevin. Kevin’s the nicest guy ever! Jennifer’s nervous and doesn’t want to embarrass herself, and Eli starts in on all of his pairing genius, explaining the complications of pairing: the food or drinks should complement or match perfectly, while a bad pairing is something off the charts crazy, like steak and marshmallows. Why do steak and marshmallows sound awesome together??? I want to try it! Eli feels comfortable because some of the chefs seem to have no idea how to pair food. Ash claims that he’s been influenced by too many people in the past, and from this point onward, he is going to focus and cook his kind of food: “Clean, Simple, Awesome.” Ash, by the way, is getting lots of interview time. This doesn’t bode well for his future.

Palmer’s least favorites: Jennifer (guess she was right to be nervous), Robin, and Ash. His top picks are Bryan, Kevin, and Eli. The winner is… Eli! Guess who thinks he’s the pairing shit now?

Elimination Challenge. Each chef cooks a different part of pig to pair with pinot noir for Palmer’s Pigs & Pinot charity event. They must prepare 150 tastings. Kevin loves the challenge and he loves pork. I mean, loves. He has a tattoo of a pig. I’d like further explanation of that, but alas, we’re all left feeling that Kevin is a little freaky-deak.

After a quick lesson in various pinots and pairings where the chefs pick the wine they’ll use, there’s shopping at Whole Foods and then off to home for dinner. Kevin, possibly the calmest person on the show, explains that he tries to see the best in people and make friends, but Robin is driving everyone up a wall. From the bits we see, she really does talk endlessly. Lots of yammering that seems mostly nonsense. She recognizes that she may not be popular because others feel she should have gone home much earlier. She and Eli especially butt heads, with “I shouldn’t have to clean up after you, Eli,” and “You’re not my mother, Robin, so knock it off!” It’s all very Real World/Road Rules drama without all the drunken fighting, but with weird “I’m 25, live with my parents, and resent mother figures” vibes.  It appears to be Robin versus everyone else since her almost compulsive jabbering alienates her from the others.

The next day, we’re back at the kitchen. Ash, worried about overcooking his tenderloin, takes the advice of Mike I. to make a chilled tenderloin. Because we’re hearing about this, we know immediately that Ash will be eliminated. Never listen to anybody else, Carla! Go with your gut! Sigh. I liked you, Ash, but you really just let me down.

Eli prattles on endlessly about how amazing he is at pairings. He has so much air time, in fact, that I can’t help but think that he’s either winning or eliminated. Kevin says that he’s such a pork guy, he’d consider it an embarrassment if he loses. Laurine has never cooked rillette before but has made rabbit, so … That just doesn’t seem like a safe choice at this point in the competition. However, she thinks she’ll be fine.

Bryan and Mike V. barely disguise their competitiveness with each other. Mike says he takes risks faster than Bryan does because Mike traveled while Bryan stayed mostly in one place. They argue angrily over saran wrap. Kevin interviews that Mike likes to manipulate his brother, to get in Bryan’s head. I don’t know, but I’m over the two Tony Hawk brothers.

Service. Toby Young fills in for Gail again, and Dana Cowin also joins the judging. The judges and guests love Mike V.’s root beer braised pork, and Palmer notes how well it pairs with the wine. On that note, I’m happy to see that the judges follow through on the pairing requirement. The wine aspect seems especially important to Palmer. Ash’s chilled tenderloin is clammy, overcooked and over-salted. Eli thinks he has a winning dish in his braised pork belly, and though the judges enjoy his dish, Palmer dooms his chances at a win by stating that it doesn’t pair well with the wine. That should disappoint Eli, but I’m happy. Kevin’s pork leg pate is smart, well-planned, and pairs well. Mike I.’s pork shoulder loses points for an overwhelming orange flavor. Bryan picks up all the flavors in his braised pork spare rib that match his wine. Jennifer’s braised pork belly redeems her with Palmer – a “delicious” dish that pairs well with the wine. Laurine’s pork butt rillettes are “not a party in [the] mouth” of the guests, and is compared to cat food. A coffee flavoring overpowers Robin’s brined center cut pork chop, and a slimy texture ensures her place in the bottom three.

Judging. Best dishes belong to Jennifer, Kevin, Bryan and Mike V. Toby compares Jennifer’s dish and European pinot to “ the difference between a shaved armpit and a hairy armpit,” but in a good way. Still, colorful similes aside, Kevin walks away with the win and a spot in next year’s Pig and Pinot event. He shows off his pig tattoo, and the judges laugh, even though they have to be all, “What the what?”

In Loserville, Ash, Laurine, and Robin step out for their critiques. Robin stands by her dish, but the judges had issues with the texture. Again, Ash doesn’t understand why he’s in the bottom three, and he couldn’t dig his grave any deeper. He explains his original dish idea which Palmer loves, and Colicchio points out that this seems to be Ash’s thing – he lacks confidence in his ideas and changes his mind too much. Laurine’s dish failed simply because she didn’t know how to make the dish that she served, and therefore, ended up with inedible food. Back in the Stew Room, Ash reveals that he’s not a huge fan of Padma.

Deliberation means more of the same, so line them back up, and Ash’s one dimensional meal sends his ass home. It’s a shame, because I did like Ash a lot, at least personality-wise. He never seemed to come through on the creative end of it, and seemed no match for the stronger competitors. He takes the news with a generally positive attitude, in typical Ash style. However, he may not be inviting Padma to his restaurant for a more refined version of tonight’s dish. But he’ll invite Toby Young. Ouch.

Yes, this was slightly better than last week’s episode. Or maybe I’ve just had more sleep so it doesn’t seem as bad. But the next episode should be fun, because…

Next week: Restaurant Wars!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 8: Pigs & Pinot (originally aired October 14, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  IMDBpro

And then there were eight! What I like right now is that Tyra is eliminating…or should I say, Ty-minating, all of the people I don’t like, so I can’t really complain much here, though you know I will given the chance.

Which is okay, because that makes me just like all the girls on the show. It’s bitch, bitch, bitch all the time in Tyra-land. Over here, we have Nicole. She explains that she needs to make sure her personality is known. And over there is: Everybody Else! The others gossip about Nicole and her silly monotone voice, with Kara even saying, “She has the social graces of a fetus.” Classy, Kara. Which makes a fetus already better than a jealous model, in terms of social graces.

The girls visit Wilhelmina Models and Sean Patterson (which I totally wrote as Scott Peterson. Oops!). It’s go-sees time, and this cycle, the girls audition for a photo shoot, for fashion designers and runway work, jewelry designers and read for a casting director (all because, presumably, they’re too short for a lot of runway work). They break up into teams of pre-determined twos: Brittany & Kara, Nicole & Kentucky, Sundai & Rae, and Erin & Jennifer. They drive themselves around L.A. instead of yelling at cabbies who don’t speak English because this is L.A., where the traffic is just as hindering as a language barrier.

Off they go! Of note: Kara likes how competitive Brittany is and sees this as an asset when Brittany refuses to help Kentucky and Nicole. Also, Kara hates Nicole! Never forget it! Kentucky knows only one other accent, and that’s street rat. I really like Kentucky, but I hope she never tries that again. Rae can speak Minnesotan. Rae and Sundai get along well, but Rae drives like an old woman in one of the worst traffic cities in the world. As a result, they fall behind and try to squeeze in one more go-see. They arrive last back at Wilhelmina’s…fifteen minutes late. Everyone else returns on time.

As such, they incur the wrath of Scott Peterson Sean Patterson. He kicks them out to the lobby with some strong words, and then gives the punctual ladies some critiques.

Jennifer was sweet and lively, but wore too much make up, turning off her potential clients. Kentucky’s cute and fresh look couldn’t help her lack of range in the commercial. Kara, though she had a strong walk, appeared too scruffy and unsophisticated. Erin also showed a good walk, but was too timid. Nicole’s perfectly sculpted face impressed her clients, but she needed more energy in front of the camera.

The winner will receive jewelry, one piece of clothing from each designer, and a part in a commercial. The winner? Nicole! Kara dies a little inside. Later, Erin actually says, “Maybe they wanted you to win,” which is bitchier than I expected of Erin, but that’s just because we don’t see her talk much. Regardless, Nicole’s having none of that – she earned it. Kara and Sundai both complain about Nicole’s win in their interviews and to each other. Kara especially can’t understand and doesn’t “think it’s right” that Nicole won. Because petty is the new pretty ‘round these parts. Kentucky remains happy for Nicole, and Nicole is simply grateful to win after last week’s negative critique.

Photo shoot. The girls use weapons for a martial arts theme, while also being raised by wires. Shots will be taken on the ground and in the air, and then three poses will be composited together to create a fluid shot. Or something. The finished product doesn’t look great, trust me.

Nicole and Jennifer both impress Jay with their huge improvement over last week. Erin makes the wires work and looks like a magical elf. Kentucky struggles in the wires, but pulls some amazing shots. Kara loses “the grace” of the martial arts movement. Jay calls the performance weak. Brittany looked like a “floppy fish” but her coordination difficulties don’t come through in the film. Rae’s performance isn’t as strong this week, with Jay less impressed than he’s ever been with her. Jay calls Sundai “remedial modeling” and abysmal.

At home, the girls compare bruises as Sundai worries about her elimination chances because of her late arrival at go-sees.

Judging. Guest Judge: Jessica White.

Jennifer looks powerful and fantastic and nails the movements. Rae looks too pose-y and not fluid. In Erin’s photos, she looks a little Hermione this week. Weird. Her angles work well though her face shows confusion. Brittany looks sexy and works the light to her advantage. Kara looks uncomfortable and she allows it to show in her body and face. Kentucky nails her photo, with the judges calling her elegant. Though beautiful, Sundai gives the same face and pose in every photo. The judges love Nicole’s shot, and encourage her to learn vocal inflection. To be a “stronger version of [her]self.” She smiles politely.

Over deliberation, we see some questions about Rae’s model potential and Brittany’s presence. But they’re not in trouble this week, so let’s bring them back out. Called first: Nicole. Kara now eats crow. Bottom two: Kara and Sundai. Kara struggles more and more as the weeks pass, while Sundai, though strong, is stuck in the same poses and face angles. Going home: Kara. Nice! Take that, fetus-hater! Kara can’t talk to Tyra during Tyra’s mentoring moment because of the tears. She claims if she wasn’t going to win, she wouldn’t have even tried out. Well… that’s not a very good attitude. Good riddance, you!

So all that nonsense with go-sees this week…yet the results meant nothing? Why’d they bother? We should have seen more consequence for the girls who didn’t show up, and heard more about the impact of the reviews. Though I’m not a normally a fan of the go-see episodes, I expected a little more.

I don’t think we’re going to get one of those mid-season reviews where we rehash everything and are forced to watch boring, unseen footage. Which makes me happy, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Tyra pulls a fast one on me next week. But just in case, I’m behind on picking my Top 3. I think Kentucky’s going to win the whole thing, and she’ll either go up against Brittany or Jennifer. I think Nicole will round out the Top 3 but get kicked to the curb because of her Daria-esqueness.

Next week: An interview challenge, Cover Girl commercial and Erin shows emotions!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 7: Petite Ninja Warriors (originally aired October 14, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Patricia Von Ah, and Michael Desmond

I can’t tell anymore if this whole season of Top Chef is boring or just this particular episode. I only know I’ve lost all enthusiasm for recapping it. But I’ll try to keep it interesting for you.

And so: Ash talks about feeling intimidated by people who go to culinary school. Michael V. reveals he has two daughters and that he puts chef-ing before family. So he has to do well otherwise he has no excuse for being absent from their lives. Nice. Jennifer is sick and slams a door, but she’s hard core, y’all, so her “illness” will have no impact on anything. Really. It’s fake drama that has zero effect on the entire episode.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Tyler Florence. The chefs must create a dish based on three key words that describe mood, taste & texture, and type of cuisine. Somehow, this relates to Cookstr.com. Oh, and it’s a high stakes Quickfire because this is Vegas, bitches! In case you’d forgotten.

Adjectives include: stressed, umami, romantic, adventurous, tired, crunchy, Latin American, Asian, etc.

Eli doesn’t care about what other people of think of him. FYI, I guess. Robin admits to knowing that most people think she shouldn’t still be here. Jennifer believes in keeping her mood and personal life out of her work. Which seems kind of cold, doesn’t it? After all, we are a product of all of our experiences and influences. They inform our decisions and how we handle things. But that’s just me nitpicking. Because Jennifer, for all of her talent, is kind of a pill.

Tyler’s bottom three: “Elementary” Robin, Eli, and unadventurous Jennifer. His top three are Mike I., Kevin, and Mike V. The win goes to Kevin, who has the option to collect $15,000 or immunity. He takes the money. Who needs immunity when you’re Kevin?

Elimination Challenge. Create a family style dish from a bag of ingredients provided by a famous chef, working in teams of two. And to turn things up a notch, they all have to cook in their Top Chef house! Kooky!

During the cooking phase, the most notable tidbits: Mike I. hates Robin, and “she knows that [he’s] a better cook than her.” He decides to proceed by ignoring all of her input on their Asian dish, even though she’s cooked Asian before and he hasn’t. In a quick montage, we see Robin talk Mike I. nearly to death. Despite his obnoxiousness, I think he might actually be a gentleman as he restrains himself from stapling her mouth shut. Mike V. takes the lead on his team with Ash, who defers to all of Mike V.’s decisions. Ash either has a crush or zero confidence in his own contributions. Then again, I imagine Mike V.’s intensity can be intimidating. They short a circuit in the living room, which affects the quality of their fish. Eli allows Ashley to take the leadership role, as she makes gnocchi on a daily basis and he doesn’t want to cook the prawns. Colicchio worries about their plating technique as it will ruin one or both parts of the dish.

Service. The chefs line up to introduce their dishes, and Mike I. “forgets” to include Robin in his description of all the work he did. Ashley & Eli: The gnocchi was salty and the spot prawns undercooked. Mike V. & Ash: Overcooked fish and undercooked pancetta. Bryan & Laurine brought out the flavors of their dish. Kevin & Jennifer: Their kobe beef was “fabulous” and the tomato & cardamom broth blows the judges away. Mike I. & Robin: Despite their personal tension, the dish works with some minor flaws.

Prior to Judges’ Table, Mike V. and Bryan share a moment as Mike worries about his fish. He admits to not feeling confident for the first time. Ash all but accepts the blame for Michael’s mistakes.

Judges’ Table. Top marks go to Laurine & Bryan and Jennifer & Kevin. It seems obvious that Bryan carried Laurine, however it is Jennifer’s tomato broth that wins this round. So much for being sick!

Representing the losers, out come Ash & Mike V., and Ashley & Eli. In the stew room as the losers head out, Kevin seems to ask an innocent question of Bryan about his brother’s dish, and Bryan turns into a shrew and refuses to answer, basically telling everyone to shut up. Ouch.

Meanwhile, Michael accepts the blame for the overcooked fish and the short circuit wiring, which seems unreasonable. However, Tyler Florence assures us all that the wiring is definitely Michael’s fault. Ash turns into the biggest idiot in the world by saying that all of Mike V.’s ideas were better than his own and that Mike V. is a culinary genius, i.e. “Picasso.” He belatedly realizes his mistake when Colicchio calls him out on the foot in his mouth.

Eli competently dodges all the blame for his team’s dishes, and it all comes back to Ashley for the over-salted and tough gnocchi and undercooked prawns.

Deliberation rehashes more of the same, so bring the losers back out, and going home: Ashley! She tears up in her exit interview, but she’s looking forward to what comes next and remains optimistic.

Boring, right? It’s not just me? Bring back Hector!

Next week: Bryan V. vs. Mike V., and Eli vs. Robin! I’m sure it won’t be half as interesting as they want us to believe.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 7: Dinner Party (originally aired October 6, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  IMDBpro

And we’re back! Ashley laments about her spot in the bottom two. If Ashley weren’t complaining about something, I can’t imagine what else she’d have to talk about. We glimpse a brief moment of unseen footage, as apparently, Nigel pointed out to Nicole during judging that she talks like a stoner. The implication is that this is unattractive in a model. She claims that she “cannot” change the inflection in her voice.

Also this week, a new villain emerges! Kara bitches about “awkward and slow” Nicole who makes a fool out of herself whenever she speaks. Kara’s cattiness seems a little mean-spirited, considering we’re talking about Nicole here. I mean, the girl’s a stoner! Right, Nigel? Kara spends an inordinate amount of time interviewing about her dislike of Nicole.

But it’s teach and challenge time! The girls meet Benny Ninja in a dance studio. Ashley starts congratulating herself on the win before they’ve even heard the challenge. Benny introduces Lil’ Mama to the girls as a dancer and choreographer – not as a crazy person who storms Jay-Z’s stage. Then Lil’ Mama introduces the Jabbawockeez who perform a short dance that highlights movements representing happiness, sadness and anger. The girls must perform their own dance in teams of three that represent the same emotions. Presumably, this will teach them how to model with their bodies, not just their faces. The winners will receive $17,000 worth of jewelry.

Team Two of Brittany, Sundai and Kentucky works well together, but Team One of Jennifer, Kara and Rae brings the most enthusiasm. Ashley the Dancer leads her team of Nicole and Erin, and she wants to incorporate dances such as salsa. It’s like a five minute performance, and Ashley takes this whole thing way too seriously. I realize it’s for a lot of jewelry, but what does she think the judges are expecting here?

The girls all mock each other’s performances, but ultimately, it is Team One who wins the Rhonda Faber Green jewelry. They scream like five year olds. I can’t hate them for the screaming though, because that’s what I did when the Jabbawockeez showed up on last week’s previews. In case you haven’t picked it up, I love me some Jabbawockeez!

But moving on. Back at the house, Ashley disses her teammates and blames them for her loss. She calls her mom for emotional support as she tries to pull herself out of the Funk of Defeat. But that pep talk doesn’t help much during the photo shoot.

But wait – why am I jumping ahead? The girls scream their way to Las Vegas for a photo shoot with Cirque du Soleil. They will take their photos in groups of three with some of the performers – the goal being to stand out while still working with two other models.

Group One: Rae, Jennifer and Brittany. Rae and Brittany both do well while Jennifer “looks crazy.” Jay does a lot of coaching, but she refuses to let it bring her down. Jay says Jennifer fell flat this week.

Group Two: Erin, Sundai and Nicole. Sundai impresses Jay, but Nicole struggles with all of Jay’s critiques. Jay says she wasn’t “amazing,” as she normally is.

Group Three: Kentucky “comes alive,” while Ashley can’t break through despite how well she thinks she did. Kara is “not memorable;” she looked beautiful but faded into the background. This last group walks away, concerned that Jay had no feedback at all for them.

Judging. Guest Judge: Josie Maran. Up first: Brittany, Rae and Jennifer. Brittany looks like “Bride of Frankenstein’s second cousin that is a model.” Rae’s smizing is “genius.” However, Jennifer holds her team back.

Next: Kentucky, Ashley and Kara. Kentucky blows the judges away and looks orgasmic. Ashley looks weak and as though she wasn’t trying. Kara needs to learn to open up and try something silly. Ashley was the weakest of this group.

Finally, Erin, Nicole and Sundai. Nigel doesn’t like Erin’s performance, but Josie and Tyra disagree. Nicole nailed this photo, but most of her film was surprisingly bad, and she dragged down the other girls. Sundai looks powerful, but the rest of her film looked better.

Deliberation means more of the same, so line the models back up! The first photo goes to Group One – Rae, Jennifer and Brittany. Bottom two: Ashley and Kara. Kara relies on her looks without doing any of the work, and Ashley disappoints despite her dancer training. Going home: Ashley. She feels “cut short,” and it “hurts” to be going home. Wow, I can’t believe they’re cutting all the nasty girls. Usually, one villain hangs around all season, but this year, when one goes, another bitch steps up. At least they’re keeping things interesting!

Next week: Go sees already? In America????

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 6: Dance With Me (originally aired October 7, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Mike Rosenthal

It’s the return of Michael Kors! And I warn you now, a lot of the outfits this week are pretty ugly. Especially after last week was so much more fun.

And so! Gordana compares PR to the Olympics. For real. Louise wants “to go over the top” since she produced a “snooze-fest” last week, and we’re reminded, ominously, that Nicolas has immunity.

In the workroom, Tim introduces Martine Reardon of Macy’s INC brand. She issues the challenge: create two blue outfits that fit into the INC line. The winner will design a holiday dress for Macy’s to be sold in select stores and on Macys.com. The designers will work in teams of two for a one day challenge: each designer will pitch their ideas to Martine, who will choose five team leaders. Then the leaders will choose their partners. Because of the prize, there will be no immunity awarded.

The team leaders and their partners: Christopher and Epperson; Irina and Gordana; Barbie and Logan; CH and Shirin; and Louise and Nicolas.

Irina doesn’t like working with anyone because she doesn’t understand the concept of leading a team: she’d rather do it all herself and feels as though she needs to look over her partner’s shoulder the entire time. She dislikes working with Gordana, who complains that she received no direction and no encouragement to incorporate her own ideas. Somehow, Gordana’s influence comes out in the top and skirt that she’s working on, whether because Gordana pushed for her ideas or because Irina gave up on Gordana, we don’t see. Irina dogs Gordana in her interviews throughout the episode.

Shirin says she wouldn’t have designed CH’s outfits, but she’s resolved to help execute. In that “I’m only doing this because that’s my assignment” tone. She doesn’t sabotage CH, and that’s all I care about. Shirin calls them “Team Awesome,” and I hate the way “awesome” sounds coming from Shirin. I immediately resolve to strike the word from my vocabulary. Which is going to be a problem since I use “awesome” all the time. Don’t blame me, blame Scrubs. I love you, J.D.! But for some reason, hearing the way Shirin says it is an immediate turn off. I now have to find something else to describe everything.

Louise can’t do “over the top” this week because of the nature of the challenge. Her two dresses both have ruffles coming down along the front, and Nicolas hates hates hates ruffles. So do I – didn’t I tell you I loved this guy? He feels that designers use ruffles when they’re stumped or to hide flaws, implying a lack of creativity. Then he gossips to Barbie about Louise.

We hear from Epperson about how he enjoys his partnership with Qrystopher more than his experience with Qristyl. Christopher encourages Epperson to add his own details, and they’re both in love with working with each other. It’s nice to see them get along so well, but they’re a little much. Christopher calls them “The Dream Team” because of their shared aesthetic and good craftsmanship.

Barbie and Logan get along well, and Gordana explains that all the girls and boys love Logan. I think Barbie’s crushing on him. Together, Barbie and Logan are boring.

Tim Time. To CH’s team first. Tim laments the use of leggings as a personal prejudice. He claims they have the potential to knock people’s socks off. I have to trust him because I don’t see it. He worries about Louise’s dresses – he’s excited by the potential but gives no clear advice. Irina and Gordana clash over ideas in front of Tim regarding the blouse of Gordana’s outfit. Of note: Irina creates a patchwork of blue stripes for her dress since she hates walking around in bold, solid colors. No comment from Tim, but the dress looks awes— amazing. Really pretty. Tim tells Christopher that he’s worried that the outfits don’t work together, but there’s potential for “serious reinvention” of the shirt dress. Amazing, right? Considering, the shirt dress is pretty basic as far as I can see. Epperson and Christopher feel really, really good after Tim’s critique.

Judging. Michael Kors finally returns! Guest judges: Zanna Roberts and Martine Reardon.

Irina & Gordana: Beautiful dress, I’d wear the second outfit. Barbie & Logan: Boring on both. Louise & Nicolas: Neither dress would ever fit in the Inc. collection. CH & Shirin: Too simple, don’t like the second look. Christopher & Epperson: The shirt dress isn’t fitted or “reinvented.” Second look okay.

Safe: Barbie & Logan.

CH & Shirin and Irina & Gordana have the higher scores, so they’re up first. Kors loves CH’s tunic, and Zanna thinks the first look has instant appeal. The judges love that Irina created her own print, especially since everyone else only used solids. When asked how they worked together, Irina and Gordana argue politely and Irina looks more gracious than she really was during the entire process. Heidi loves the dress and Gordana’s top, so both women did equally well – though as Irina’s designs, she would receive the most credit.

In the losers’ bracket, Heidi disagrees with Louise’s choice of ruffles. Zanna calls Louise’s first look bridesmaid, and Kors expands on that idea. When asked, Nicolas concedes that he doesn’t like ruffles, but he was there to help Louise create her vision. Kors looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t. Heidi rubs it in that he’s lucky he has immunity. Ordinarily, he’d probably hear no end about not trying to advise his leader about the stupidity of her ideas.

Over with The Dream Team, Christopher breaks down in tears as he listens to the judges’ negative critique his work, and I have to say, I feel like Heidi turned up the bitchiness this week – she seems to be looking for sound bites because she’s actually nasty. She says no modern girl would wear either outfit. Kors says the shirt dress looks like a librarian’s shirt dress from 1979 and the material makes it look like a tablecloth, and calls the other tunic top “a teal charmeuse disco pumpkin.” We’ve missed you, Kors! When the tears start, Zanna looks disgusted and Epperson steps up to try to cover for Christopher. Martine didn’t like the materials used.  I didn’t see The Dream Team’s outfits as being as bad as the judges believe them to be, but what do I know?

Deliberation means more of the same, so bring them back out! Irina wins (rightfully so) with Shirin, Gordana, CH, Epperson and Nicolas also safe. Between Louise and Christopher, Louise’s “bad, overworked bridesmaid dresses” are worse than Christopher’s “clueless” and un-saleable outfits, and she is eliminated. Christopher is safe, and there go the tears again. Seriously, I think Zanna wants to punch him.

Again, I didn’t see The Dream Team’s looks as being that bad, but I do agree that Irina should have won. She might be a snooty bitch, but she’s created some great outfits. As for Louise, I wonder if she wasn’t set up for failure – Martine liked the pitch, and I can’t imagine that Louise changed it that much. I’ve shopped Macy’s INC line, and I never see anything like this in their collection – why approve it if it doesn’t fit in the first place? I also wonder what Martine saw in Christopher’s shirt dress that made it different from what you can buy at the Gap right now.

Hey, I just realized all the models have been mixed up. Does this mean I have to watch a rerun of Models of the Runway to find out what happened?

Next week: New models, tears, and someone designs “a tragedy.” Fun!

For another take on this episode, read The Case of the Pumpkin Disco Ball by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 7: The Sky’s the Limit (originally aired October 1, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro

And we’re back, with an episode lacking logical storytelling elements. It’s classic Fringe! This week, Exposition finds a case (yes, I said Exposition found the case) involving an explosion in a Philadelphia train station that left no trace of an explosive device – which we know is impossible after watching several marathons of NCIS on USA. Am I right, America? Somebody call Gibbs! But Exposition’s case went a little something like this:

On the historically charming streets of Philadelphia, Officer Gillespie receives a phone call from a “Colonel,” with instructions to proceed to a train station to pick up a briefcase from a man in a trenchcoat. When Gillespie tries to take the briefcase, his body hardens until he explodes, killing several people in the process. Oops!

The Fringe-ettes put their heads together and find pieces of Gillespie’s body in the rubble to study. Doc discovers that Gillespie injected himself with a solution given to him while he was stationed in Baghdad, as part of an experiment called Project Tin Man. Please don’t ask me the details, because if I understand this correctly, all  I can tell you is this: Officer Gillespie served in Iraq, and while there, was exposed to a chemical agent which should have killed him, as well as other soldiers. Several survived when their Iraqi doctors developed a serum to counteract the agent. One side effect, however, was that the treatment turned the soldiers into bombs when hit with a specific radio wave frequency. When the Fringe-ettes learn that Gillespie had a body full of the serum and that radio waves affected the electronic equipment in the station, they track down the other people in the program and find a Colonel Raymond Gordon: he knew about the serum, its side effects, and tried to keep Project Tin Man alive when the government shut it down. Further investigation reveals that Gordon is the one who sent Gillespie, entirely unaware of his fate, into the train station and detonated him, and that Gordon has sent another victim into a D.C. metro station for a similar explosion.

However, our crack team of Fringe-ettes uncover the plan and save the second victim. Unknowingly, they save her intended target as well. They catch the Colonel, and only when Broyles questions him do we learn that Gordon believes that mankind is at war with an unknown Enemy. The intended explosive attacks (and the one that already occurred) were to be a message. The Enemy has been collecting data and planning for war, passing their information via courier. The couriers were Gordon’s targets; the former soldiers were merely collateral damage. Gordon explains that the Enemy wants to “exterminate us,” and they plan to use our science, culture and technology against us. “Whatever is in the cases will destroy us all.”

We see one such messenger, the man saved from the explosion when the Fringe-ettes apprehended Gordon, deliver his package. The person he delivers the package to: The Observer. Oh, snap! The documents he receives: stealth-like photos of Doc. Someone’s keeping an eye on the elder Bishop, and if Gordon is to be believed, Doc is humanity’s doom.

In other news, we’re reminded about Peter’s shady contacts and history in Baghdad, which shall remain unexplained. Also, the cow doesn’t like it when people eat cheeseburgers in the lab.

Meanwhile, Olivia continues her bowling alley sessions with Sam Weiss, mostly taking baby steps because Weiss works exactly like Mr. Miyagi: paint the fence, Daniel-san, because you’re really doing something else. Olivia starts to experience the headaches that Weiss warned her about. This first one includes random flashes of memory from her meeting with William Bell. Olivia regains the ability to move her hands without shaking, kicks her vicodin habit and also loses her limp. And here I was looking forward to making a bunch of House-related jokes over the next few weeks. What a waste! Olivia could have done a House-style reality TV audition/elimination for a new agent to replace Charlie Francis. How fantastic could that have been? Regardless, it looks like she’ll no longer be needing that cane to move around.

In case you were wondering, no further reference to her super-hearing. I was wondering.

The appearance of the Observer makes the episode worth watching since his involvement creates an interesting new mystery. However, Gordon claimed not to know who the enemy was or what was in the briefcase. As a former soldier, wouldn’t he think tactically? Why detonate his Tin Men – why not have them take the briefcases so he could learn what was in them? And he’d run out of Tin Men in about a week, so what was Plan B? Not such a great premise when you really examine it. But as Charlie states: if you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing’s gonna make sense. And that reference brings us full circle with Philadelphia this week.

Of note:

Doc likes to start his mornings by singing operas in the nude while doing jumping jacks.

How times have changed. Apparently, Broyles had the Fringe Division reinstated but he’s not finding them work anymore. Exposition must’ve complained that the cow was getting more lines than her, because she’s the one who pro-actively sets up a filter on the FBI’s intranet to find potential cases. I assumed she spent most of  her day on Facebook, without any real Junior FBI stuff to do. Don’t the writers remember that she’s an agent, too? And since things have been slow with Doc, she’s probably Twittering also, with messages like, “Just sterilized the lab again. Doc better not experiment on any more fruit!” When things are really bad, I’m sure she’s Facebooking her tweets, and then tweeting about her Facebook, then emailing a few of her non-FBI friends about her tweets and Facebook, and it could go on forever, really.  Perhaps they’ll explore this on an upcoming episode where the neverending circle creates a cybernetic vortex where Mr. Jones is hiding (since I refuse to believe he really died). Plus, Exposition might get more than 10 lines to say.

Next week: Olivia’s memories and the return of Leonard Nimoy???

P.S. Exposition’s updated tweet: “OMG – Doc blew up a watermelon in the lab today. Will he ever listen?!?”  (But knowing Exposition, this tweet will most likely be typed in Ancient Sumerian.)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For another take on this episode, read Blow Out by Paul Secrest.

Season 2, Episode 3: Fracture (originally aired October 1, 2009)

For more on Fringe, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

My Tivo’s playing all kinds of games, so I’m writing this review live. Yes, that means I usually watch ANTM twice to write up my reviews, and No, I don’t think that’s healthy.

We’re back from elimination, and Kara loves that her digital photo reminds her of how awesome she is. I’m not paraphrasing. Erin likes to see Brittany humbled by her place in the bottom two last week and Ashley will find the strength to go on without Lulu … somehow.  They might have been friends, but this is still a competition, so later, girl! Now I am paraphrasing. Meanwhile, Bianca’s proud of her Jesus-inspired progress.

The next … night? … Nigel and the Mrs. meet the girls at Wal-Mart. I refuse to acknowledge Crissy Barker as Nigel’s wife, as I still believe Nigel is single and available (for me). The girls must race thru Wal-mart in a make-up challenge, stopping at four stations to pick up shoes, clothes, and a photo of themselves, and then finish at the cosmetics department. At each station there will be fewer items than there are girls (like musical chairs, and the girls without a chair are out). The Barkers will only judge the three girls who complete all four stations.

Aaaaaaaand go! Ashley and Sundai don’t appreciate Erin’s competitive spirit, as she pulls and pushes people out of the way. Erin also completes the third leg of the race first (pull your picture out of a pile of all the girls) and throws Ashley’s photo to the floor, so Ashley ends up eliminated. As you might guess, Ashley is unhappy and incredulous. At the finish line: Erin, Bianca, and Sundai. Of the three, the Barkers choose Sundai as the winner.  She wins a $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card and her photo will appear on Wal-Mart.com. Or CoverGirl.com. I can’t rewind to check! I’m embarrassed by Sundai’s enthusiasm over her prizes. Contorted jumping up and down and screaming is not necessary.

Ashley complains in her interview about Erin’s gameplay, and Erin makes no apologies. “Races don’t have manners!” But then…Erin does apologize. In the limo on the way to the photo shoot, Sundai and Ashley complain about their bruises and Erin starts to cry, and then Ashley and Bianca pressure her into apologizing. And … I can’t believe I’m typing this, much less watching people interview about this.

At the shoot — oh my, Tyra’s wrapped herself in some silky material that Kentucky must unravel her from. The girls pretend to be amused. But guess what? Tyra is the photographer for this week’s beauty shot. Wait, why is she doing this already? She explains that many petite models make a career of only doing beauty shots. The girls will wrap their heads in scarves, and … wait for it … the girl who does the best will be chosen at the end of the shoot. Holy record books! That girl will be immune from elimination.

Kentucky doesn’t know how to work her lips until they start the wind machine, and then she blows Tyra away (pun intended). Sundai is stiff but eventually loosens up.  Jennifer looks beautiful but horny, and she wants to scream to help express herself. You know Tyra’s into the drama, so she encourages Jennifer to go for it. Brittany feels nervous after last week, but rocks it and “feels it from the inside” (per Tyra). Jay calls it her best shoot. Bianca claims that she’s ready to be soft in her photo, but she still struggles with the eyes. Rae delivers an “angelic” picture, and Rae loved it so much she could cry. Literally. Kara has one of Tyra’s favorite faces, but she disappoints on set. Erin “knows how to model,” but she lacks personality. Nicole is “genius” but has Gollum hands (per Tyra). Tyra is excited to shoot Ashley, but changes her scarf and clothes twice. Tyra wonders if the problem was the scarves/clothing or Ashley herself.

At the end, Brittany wins the best photo and immunity. No one looks pleased. Brittany’s prize also includes a photo shoot for TyraBanks.com with two male models. Tyra discovered them too, because Tyra is Amazing. In case you hadn’t heard. During the shoot, we hear Ashley talk crap about Brittany, and watch Erin interview about her jealousy. Bianca thinks she’ll be near the top and Ashley worries about all the changes during her shoot.

Judging. Guest Judge: Petite China Chow. We already know Tyra’s proud of Brittany, so … moving on. Erin looks like an alien in her photo, in a really weird (but cool) way. Tyra wishes she would have more personality with the photographer. Kara has a deadness in the eyes. Ashley doesn’t smize, and Tyra tells her she didn’t sell it on set, which is why they kept changing her clothes. Kentucky looks like a “Renaissance painting.” Bianca appears uncomfortable, and still needs to work on relaxing her face. Rae looks strong and soft at the same time. Nicole is beautiful and “wearing the fashion.” Um, duh? China Chow describes Nicole’s body angles as “Gollum,” and that’s more LOTR references in one episode of ANTM than I ever thought there’d be. Sundai looks simple, pretty, and strong. Nigel tells Jennifer this is her best shot. Tyra was “super-impressed” by Jennifer’s screaming. Er, personality.

Deliberation, and it’s time to bring them back out. Tyra announces Jennifer as the runner up to Brittany. Bottom two: Bianca and Ashley. Bianca turns hard in front of the camera, and Ashley was too difficult to shoot. Going home: Bianca. As she should, this being her third time in the bottom. Plus, we have Ashley to take over the role of House Bitch.

Bianca wishes she’d shown more vulnerability, but everything else – no regrets. Like the dishes. Who should have to do dishes while being a top model?

Next week: Benny Ninja, Lil’ Mama (what?!), the Jabbawockeez (!!!!!!!!!!!), and Las Vegas.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 5: Take My Photo, Tyra! (originally aired September 30, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Jordin Althaus, and Tyra Banks

And that’s it! Season 4 of America’s Best Dance Crew has come to an end, and I really appreciate that. I mean, I really appreciate you. I mean, all those fine dancers out there, I appreciate you trying to make this the best season yet, even if the producers sabotaged you from the beginning.

But why rehash the mid-season commentary? It’s finale time, and I was half right. AfroBorike sails into the final two, up against We Are Heroes. Massive Monkees did make it to the top three, but fell short in what was, ultimately, a whole season that fell short.

While most of the crews could never have stepped up to the talent of Seasons One or Three, they did improve their level of performances at the mid-season break. The producers gave the crews a few great challenges this time around (the VMA challenge, Decades of Dance Challenge) but I’ll never understand why we needed to include a trampoline. It seemed a bit unnecessary, but it did bring out some great tricks.

And so, after mid-season, we said good bye to Rhythm City, Vogue Evolution (right before the chance to dance to Madonna’s Vogue. Sadly ironic.), and Massive Monkees, with the Monkees dueling WAH for the final spot in the finale. It could have gone either way as both crews delivered good performances, though the judges felt that MM weren’t fighting quite as hard. Because this is a street battle, in case anyone’s forgotten, and I kind of like it when Shane Sparks reminds us of that. This isn’t some dance show on Fox or ABC. These are kids who won’t have the same chances as a lot of other people out there to make their dreams a reality. So the fight and desire to win needs to be a lot stronger, and not just for a shot at 15 minutes of fame.

Let’s take a moment to revisit a couple of highlights. The VMA challenge aired right before the VMAs, and I enjoyed ABDC’s inevitable Michael Jackson tribute much more than I did the one that aired at the VMAs. Maybe because I felt more connected to the crews, and they felt more connected to the music, rather than the background dancers at the VMAs who get paid to dance whatever anyone tells them to (not that you can blame an employed dancer).

(And was it me, or has it been a little weird watching Lil’ Mama since that incident at the VMA’s? I hate to even bring it up, because I love her as a judge on this show (I really appreciate you too, Lil’ Mama) and I don’t like her image tarnished by such a ridiculous moment but who on Earth thinks it’s okay to rush Jay-Z onstage? I can’t help but think she’s a little crazy ever since. It’s like she turned into Paula Abdul on us, and look at Paula now. Thankfully, Lil’ Mama returned to ABDC with herself intact and The Incident firmly behind us. But I still can’t help but think…)

Other highlights: AfroBorike’s face crotch dance, Massive Monkees doing James Brown and Lady GaGa, Massive Monkees doing the Ricky Bobby, and AfroBorike rocking the sexy lifts just as well as the kids over on SYTYCD. Obviously, uh, I had my favorites.

As for the Last Chance performances in the battle of the poppers vs. the sex, AfroBorike felt their routine was strong and showcased their roots, but it didn’t demonstrate their skill, creativity or technique. While it showed their intensity, it didn’t capture the flavor that won us over all season long. Meanwhile, WAH gave us a flame-filled, entertaining routine that probably looked more amazing considering what it was up against.

Am I not selling the finale as the great, amazing, dance-defining extravaganza it was supposed to be? Eh. It really wasn’t. But we did have a winner, and in case you missed it, We Are Heroes became ABDC’s first all female crew to win the title. I enjoyed watching women with some sick moves win, but let’s face it: these ladies are no Beat Freaks, who could outperform WAH in about two seconds. In that regard, AfroBorike should have won for bringing such strong originality to the table. But maybe the fans felt robbed when Beat Freaks lost last season (I did), and it’s still nice to see such a talented group of ladies win $100,000 and represent for girl power. AfroBorike brought us more of something we hadn’t seen before, at least not in such a mainstream, young environment, and though they didn’t win, I believe their influence will be felt far beyond the end of ABDC, Season 4.

In other bits and pieces, the directors and producers continue to do an injustice to the performances with their crazy angles and sliding cameras. It makes me long to watch some of these performances live and in person from behind the judges’ table (call me, Lil’ Mama!). Speaking of weird MTV habits, in the finale, why was the audience behind Mario Lopez mostly women with various amounts of skin showing?

Other questions for you the viewer:

Did the right crew win?

What were your favorite performances and moments from Season 4? Let me know what I missed!

After a lackluster season, will you keep the faith and watch when the show returns in January? If the show holds true to form, next season will rock. I know I’ll be there.

Season 4, Episode 8: Live Finale (originally aired September 27, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on America’s Best Dance Crew, click here.

Sundays at 9pm ET/PT on MTV

Photographs courtesy of MTV and PictureGroup

After last week’s welcome elimination of Johnny, we’re down to the final eleven. At this point, everyone remaining is creative and talented and I’ll be sorry to see any of them leave.

I should point out now: I’m a fan of Nicolas because he’s so ridiculous with his opinions and judgments – even though he inappropriately called out Johnny on the runway last week (hilariously wrong!). He just criticizes everyone else as if he’s designing groundbreaking fashion – how funny is he? I also like Gordana but only because her accent reminds me in a comforting way of my hairdresser, but my absolute favorite is Carol Hannah. Unfortunately for CH, my endorsement is usually a curse, so let’s see how long she lasts before Heidi asks her to pack her knives. Er, scissors.

Ra’mon talks about the elevation of the contest now that Johnny Drama is gone and Gordana is starting to show signs of stress. Everyone thinks that the challenges will become tougher, as if they’ve never seen this show before and they’re clueing us into some behind-the-scenes insight.

The designers meet Tim and Collier Strong on a Hollywood sound stage to present the challenge: Create a look inspired by one of five movie genres – action adventure, sci-fi, period piece, film noir and western. Tim draws names out of his velvety bag and one by one people choose their genres (with two chances per genre). Epperson and Shirin are called last and are left with Western, because nobody in their right minds would choose that. The designers have $150 and one day to complete their look. They must create a story to accompany their outfits.

Collier expounds a bit about this being a make-up challenge as well, and L’Oreal blah blah blah – with the show’s move to Lifetime, we’ve added too much cross promotion with L’Oreal. And I will take it out on Collier where appropriate.

And so: CH and Logan: Action adventure. Ra’mon and Nicolas: Sci-fi. Shirin and Epperson: Western. Christopher and Gordana: Period piece. Irina, Louise, and Barbie: Film noir.

Immediately, I like Ra’mon more because he’s an old school Trekkie and on his design notes writes “Borg” and “Predator.” I’d never have pegged him for a Star Trek fan. Epperson and Shirin struggle with ideas, and CH reveals a crush on Logan, while Logan reveals he feels a connection with CH. Don’t let love distract you, girl! Nicolas is a daydreamer and has experience in the costume industry. Louise and her personal style should have an edge in the film noir genre, and Irina’s feeling obnoxiously confident in her abilities.

A bobbin stealer seems out to sabotage Louise. Nicolas is “worried” for Louise because she doesn’t have a story for her outfit/character and she really needs to know what her point of view is. Which is so wrong, because Louise is all about vintage aesthetic and has designed amazing pieces. CH interviews that the tension in the workroom is escalating.  Meanwhile, Ra’mon thinks he’s creating an amazing reptilian hybrid jumpsuit. I don’t understand his deal with jumpsuits.

Tim Time. He likes Christopher’s 19^th Century vampire bride, but thinks it’s too modern. He also likes Epperson’s “Annie Get Your Gun”-esque quality and the layers of ruffles. I have to say, I love it, too. Ra’mon’s green snakeskin leather jumpsuit will either “be sublime or it could be a big hot mess.” He loves Louise’s subtlety and nuance, but he warns her that those details never transfer to the runway. He advises Nicolas to exaggerate the look of his white villainess dress.

Nicolas “worries” about Ra’mon because his outfit is more Godzilla than beautiful, weird woman. Irina, also a judgmental one, doesn’t see Gordana in Bryant Park.

During model fitting, Ra’mon has second thoughts (because jumpsuits never work, Ra’mon! Unless you’re Epperson), and decides to start from scratch with two hours left. I do give credit to all of these designers for one thing: in previous seasons we haven’t seen people entirely scrap their concepts and start over halfway through the time limit. People have done that repeatedly this season, so in a way, it’s kind of amazing that most of them have been able to pull it off.  Ra’mon guesses he’ll end up in the middle.

We see people in various stages of worry and stress, and then it’s off to…

The Runway! Guest judges: John Varvatos and Zoe Glassner (oh enough, Zoe) and film costume designer Arianne Phillips. I’m seriously not happy with the continued disappearance of Michael Kors. WTH?

All in all, I enjoyed every outfit, with Barbie’s being the weakest. But you decide! (Well, you and the judges.)

Irina: Beautiful but safe. CH: Sexy, fun. Shirin: Hokey. Christopher: Gorgeous, modern. Nicolas: Very pretty. Barbie: Boring. Ra’mon: Couture sci-fi? Louise: Pretty. Epperson: Very, very cool. Gordana: Beautiful, but not very original. Logan: Safe.

Safe: Logan, CH, Shirin, Barbie, Irina.

The judges say that though Gordana’s dress reveals great skill and detail, they don’t see her point of view, or “Gordana.” They love Nicolas’s character and design. The material is a little cheap, but it will “photograph beautifully.” Zoe calls it “clever” and “risky.” He’s gracious, naturally. Louise’s story and dress are “a convoluted mess.” Zoe is bored. Well, we’re bored with you, Zoe. Varvatos sounds asleep when he says “it doesn’t come across special at all….the detail doesn’t read.” Ouch. Christopher’s dress is well done and elegant, while also being modern and “wow factor”-ish. Ra’mon takes a beating for his new dress, with it looking “shoddily made,” and “a little bit like a school project” and “a hot green mess.” It doesn’t show off his skill. Epperson’s dress is “fabulous” and creative, with a “contemporary value.”

Over deliberation it’s more of the same, with Louise just ripped to shreds and Ra’mon only less so. Line them back up and Nicolas wins! What? I thought it was all Christopher. I would have chosen him, absolutely, but he’s safe too, so … okay. Epperson and Gordana are also safe. Between Ra’mon and Louise, Ra’mon goes home. Wait, what again? I thought for sure it would be Louise. She hasn’t stood out much this season with the judges while they’ve loved more of Ra’mon’s work. In theory, the judges deliberate based on the individual challenge, not taking into account previous work. But still…was his couture-ish look that terrible up close? Not that I mind – I like Louise and think she adds a nice, different aesthetic to the competition – but color me surprised, judges!

Next week: A team challenge and Kors returns! It’s about damn time.

For another take on this episode, read We’re off to the Movies! by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 6: Lights, Camera, Sew!(originally aired September 24, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro

Fringe’s second episode returns to the show’s creepy roots, and it’s about time, because I was starting to worry after a lackluster season opener. But with NoDO, the writers find the balance they seldom found last season, as they tell a good solo story, progress the larger story initiated last week, advance the show’s overall mythology, and scare the hell out of us.

That’s a lot to expect, right? But that’s why we watch! Peter, Doc and Exposition quietly continue their research about Olivia’s hour long disappearance during the car crash, and Doc reposits his earlier alternate universe theory in case anyone’s joining us who hasn’t watched season one. The DVDs are out, people, go get them. Or read about them here! Is that too shameless self-promotion? Doc also tells us that there are consequences to visiting an alternate dimension, which segues into…

Nina Sharp shows up during Olivia’s physical, and that’s one of the creepiest moments of the night. Was there really no better time for her to visit? She gives Olivia the name of Sam Weiss, a man who “helped put [Nina] back together” (after her cancer) and then she disappears. Seriously, creepy.

But the other creepiness is this week’s main story, a missing persons case in rural Pennsylvania. Peter involves the Fringe-ettes because he thinks it might be related to Olivia’s disappearance – only none of these people ever reappear. It’s a weak connection, but it’ll do. Now, it’s not the most original story because we’ve seen this done before, but here, Fringe does the evil baby thing pretty well. There are creepy scarecrows, a dead woman who actually had lupus (but it’s never lupus!), and a dead newborn baby who should never have been born. So many directions to go with this, but what we have is this: Dr. Andre Hughes alters the DNA of his wife’s fetus in order to allow her to carry the baby and give birth despite her lupus – in essence, he creates a mutant. He loses his wife and son during childbirth and buries them both. Only to realize that his son has mutated into a monster who burrows out of his casket and creates a tunnel system below the town. Ever see The Descent? Because the kid looks like those monsters only with bigger teeth and dark, muddy and bloody skin. Have I used the word creepy yet? It was freaky as hell in The Descent, and it’s freaky as hell here. The baby … or seventeen year old kid, depending on how you look at it – snatches people from the surface and eats them. Ultimately, Peter and Olivia uncover the gory madness, land in the tunnels below the Hughes home, and nearly let the kid escape in their horror. In an ironic twist of fate, the kid burrows into the wrong spot and ends up crushed by the sheriff’s car. This is little comfort to the sheriff, since he was the last one eaten.

While this main story unfolds, Olivia develops more superpowers. Hey, remember when she could stop a bomb with her mind? That’s okay, nobody else on the writing staff or this show remembers either. This week, Olivia realizes her sense of hearing has increased by a power of about 100. She can hear a fly in a room, breathing on another floor of a house, and a cell phone conversation outside of the building. She doesn’t seem to have any real control over it. She decides to visit Nina Sharpe’s mysterious Sam Weiss, a bowling alley owner who can guess your shoe size on sight. He also asks Olivia if the headaches have started yet. Uh oh.

And then there’s Charlie Francis, aka the shapeshifter. He communicates with his bosses on the Other Side, informing them that he’s trusted by Olivia and awaits further instructions. “They” demand that he find a way to make Olivia remember her experience. Cue the foreshadowing music.

Of note:

“Night of Desirable Objects” refers to a night-fishing lure. Peter tells the story of a boy who created one to lure his distracted father into going fishing with him. Assuming Peter is telling the story about himself, Doc doesn’t recognize his role as the absentee father. Because Doc is absent-minded, or because that story applies to Other Side Doc?

What are the chances that this Olivia we’re watching isn’t actually our Olivia? I know it’s pretty slim, but a couple of her reactions seem a little off. Which, knowing this show, could all be because of the writing.

What was with the painting in Olivia’s exam room? Just me?

Who is Charlie Francis reporting to on the Other Side? William Bell? An alternate version of one of our characters?

So, a disappointing start last week, followed by a much stronger second episode. Here’s me keeping my fingers crossed that Fringe keeps heading in the right direction. Stay tuned!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For another take on this episode, read Attack of the C.H.U.D. by Paul Secrest

Season 2, Episode 2: Night of Desirable Objects  (originally aired September 24, 2009)

For more on Fringe, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

This week’s ANTM theme: Karma. Also, someone challenges Bianca’s status as this cycle’s villain. Could I have been wrong about Bianca being the biggest bitch in the house?

Ashley interviews that she doesn’t want her training as a dancer to hurt her progress which it seemed to do last week. Then she comments about hating Bianca, and we’re all on board because Bianca’s a bitch, yo. Nicole follows that up with sad eyes and basically clues us in that Ashley’s a nasty Gossip Girl, with Lulu as her little “delusional” sidekick. Then it’s Ashley and Lulu talking about everyone for the rest of the episode.

We learn that Bianca likes and misses Courtney, until Sundai breaks it down and tells her that Courtney used to talk to Lulu behind Bianca’s back. Bianca wonders why Lulu didn’t tell her. Ashley doesn’t like Brittany’s “forgettable” runway walk, and basically, doesn’t like Brittany whether she’ll admit it or not. She’s also tired of “negative” Bianca.

When Nicole tries to befriend Bianca, Ashley warns her away because Nicole is “naïve.” Thankfully, Nicole may be awkward but she has her own mind. For her part, Bianca reveals her history with an abusive boyfriend to Nicole. While I don’t doubt that this happened, we’ll find out if it’s later used as an excuse for all of her awful behavior. Maybe in a very special Tyra-counseling episode.

Now that that nonsense is out of the way, the girls meet up with Ms. J for a runway teach. Pint-sized Diva Davanna shows the girls that height don’t mean a thing and walks with more attitude then Bianca can dish out at her best. The girls then walk for Ms. J and receive critiques. Most notably, Ms. J hates Lulu’s walk, loves Brittany’s surprising sexiness, and Ashley walks too much like a dancer. Later, Ashley and Lulu try “to help” Brittany with her runway walk, but Brittany gives up on them, because … come on, would you listen to those two?

It’s challenge time! The next day, the girls arrive at a mansion in Malibu to walk a fashion show for Kevan Hall. The twist? Our shorties will be paired with girls 5’10” and above. Ann Shoket appears to announce that the winner will do a prom spread for Seventeen. Kentucky emphasizes how utterly, utterly amazing that would be. At least for her, because you know, her mama always told her that every walkway is a runway. So work it, girl!

Most of the girls do well, with Ashley even saying that they showed the tall girls up. Not even a little, but okay. Afterwards, the girls receive critiques. Lulu and Ashley hear negative notes, and Brittany ultimately wins. She chooses Kentucky and Kara to join her in the Seventeen spread.

Photo shoot. The girls work on a set that will help them appear taller. Lulu and Ashley continue to talk smack about Brittany specifically, and others presumably. Brittany’s up first with the other girls watching. Jay thinks she shortened all of her proportions, and Lulu talks about how poorly she thinks Brittany did. Kara has potential, and Laura struggles a little bit. Jay calls Lulu’s shoot her worst, “boring, boring, just about got it…ish.” Jennifer is “stunning,” and she nails it. Nicole also has an easy time. Ashley surprises Jay by doing well and progressing. Sundai and Rae have problems with facial expressions, and Erin is “disgustingly gorgeous.” Jay pulls a soft expression out of Bianca when he asks her about what warms her heart. Answer: Jesus.

Brittany feels she’s safe at panel because she won the challenge (and that’s just stupid) while Lulu and Ashley gossip again about how poorly Brittany did. They guess she’s going home. Let’s see what happens!

Judging. Guest judge: Jaime Rishar. Erin’s photo wows the judges and succeeds at making her look taller. Bianca’s photo shows her vulnerability, so the panel is happy with this new side of her. Brittany looks short in her photo, but at least she’s smizing (oh lord, Tyra). Sundai looks “stunning” and relaxed with presence. Kentucky also shortens herself in her photo, but Jennifer has a “beautiful” picture. Tyra says she can’t see Jennifer’s eye problem and says “Ptosis is something you have that’s nobody else’s business.” Except when we choose to highlight it on television for nearly an entire episode. Nicole blows the judges away by looking at least six feet tall, helped by a super-long dress. Lulu looks pretty and “average,” but not fashion. Kara literally wows Nigel, and Jaime calls it one of the best so far. Rae also looks short in her picture. Ashley elongates slightly, but loses it with her expression.

After deliberation, we line them back up and called first: Kara. Well, I’m surprised. Bottom two: Lulu and Brittany. That’s just about perfect. Lulu is pretty but lacks tension in photos, while Brittany might be a fluke. Going home: Lulu. Some people call that karma. I say thank goodness. There are some aspects of high school we shouldn’t have to watch again on television.

Next week: Tyra’s taking the photos. Already!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 4: Make Me Tall (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Firooz Zahedi, and Michael Desmond.

In this very special episode of Top Chef, we learn that cancer is bad but not for the reason you think; despite Ariane’s success, simple food still carries a painful stigma; and that there’s, like, this whole cast of people here who are not Voltaggio brothers. Weird, right?

And so! Mike I., Man of Opinions, shares his that Robin should have left over Mattin. But really, how annoying was that guy, with his always smiling and his French-ness? Not very, it turns out, because the chefs all don red scarves in honor of the fallen Frenchman. We also learn that Robin’s working everyone’s last nerve, and if you think nothing’s worse than a yapper and a bad cook, just you wait.

Quickfire. Guest Judge Michelle Bernstein. You’ve seen her before on Top Chef – she’s usually very critical. The chefs will create a duo, representing the Angel vs. the Devil. The winner earns immunity.

Ash decides to do a duo of custards. It’s a risk, but he’ll win if he pulls it off. Guess what? He doesn’t pull it off. I like Ash, but he never breaks out anything cohesive and impressive. I’m pulling for you, Ash, but help me out here. Robin talks about her inspiration, her struggle with cancer, and the battle between eating healthy and eating poorly. Bryan feels he overcomplicates the Quickfires, so he’s going with a simple dessert duo.

Michelle’s least favorites are Ash (for not finishing), Bryan and Laurine because she’s boring. Michelle’s top picks are Mike V., Eli (forgot about him, didn’t you?) and Robin, who shared her cancer inspiration. Ultimately, Michelle chooses Robin as the winner, and if the editing is to be believed, there’s lots of raised eyebrows, delayed applause, and a bevy of annoyed chefs. Eli calls bullshit and interviews, “That’s a pretty good way to win a Quickfire, just tell everybody you had ********  cancer…Weak.” Wow. I don’t know if Michelle Bernstein gave Robin the sympathy win, but it is true that Robin’s duo of salad and apple crisp seemed a little too simple. However, Ariane proved that sometimes cooking simple, delicious food is as much a triumph as a complicated dish. Even though I probably could have made Robin’s duo in my kitchen, with no formal training.

But whatever! Elimination Challenge. The chefs must deconstruct classic dishes. They draw knives to determine their meals: Jennifer – Meat Lasagna; Mike V. – Caesar Salad; Ash – Shepherd’s Pie; Robin – New England Clam Chowder; Eli – Sweet & Sour Pork; Laurine – Fish & Chips; Kevin – Chicken Mole Negro; Bryan – Reuben; Mike I. – Eggs Florentine; Ashley – Pot Roast; and Ron – an enthusiastic Paella! It should be noted that Ron seems very happy and comfortable with this, as he interviews that he serves paella on his menu.

It seems as though half of the chefs don’t understand what deconstruction means. Of the ones that do, half of those struggle with how to prepare a deconstructed dish. Which leaves Bryan and Mike V. and Kevin (who feels he’s got something to prove) as the only ones who really know what they’re doing.

What interesting personal tidbits do we pick up this week? Mike I. doesn’t know what Eggs Florentine is, which seems weird. He calls it Eggs Foreign-to-me, because he’s clever bastard, ain’t he. Ashley continues on about her time being poor – they used outhouses but not beef. Jennifer’s classically trained, so she doesn’t speak this deconstruction language. She panics and starts to psych herself out. Ron thinks he’ll win, but Eli worries for him, in a slightly condescending manner. Robin, meanwhile, chatters her way around the kitchen, annoying her co-chefs, especially Laurine who is still smarting from her bottom three finish during the Quickfire. Robin doesn’t like chowder, so takes some risks and switches things up, because she has immunity. In case you’d forgotten.

When Tom visits the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer give him reason to worry because they don’t seem to have a clear idea of where they’re heading. Ron reveals that he’s stuck. Later, Eli and Kevin try to coach him on how to improve the dish, and now Ron’s gone from thinking this will be a breeze, to oh shit, I might be going home. There’s some more gossiping around the house about Robin, spurred on by Laurine’s personal frustrations.

Service. Guest judges: Toby Young in for Gail and Michelle, with guest diners Penn & Teller. Toby doesn’t like Mike I.’s Eggs Florentine, and Tom thinks it fails overall. Mike V.’s Caesar Salad is a general crowd pleaser. They all like Bryan’s tuna Reuben even if Penn thought it varied a little too much from what a Reuben should taste like. Laurine’s fish is overcooked and missing the chips because she burnt too many of them. Jennifer’s lasagna is smart and perfectly deconstructed, even as she worries that this dish will send her home. Unfortunately, Ash fails again – his meat is unevenly cooked and lacking potatoes (he substituted his poorly cooked potatoes at the last minute). Ron’s paella fails miserably, and Tom calls it a “sad bowl of food.” Eli’s sweet & sour pork looks like “bull’s testicles” (welcome back, Toby Young!) prompting a classy that’s what she said-esque moment. No matter how they look, everyone enjoys the dish immensely. Everyone also falls in love with Kevin’s mole negro and Michelle thinks Ashley kicked ass with her pot roast. Robin ends dinner service on a “repulsive” note, so lucky (unfortunately?) she has immunity.

Judges’ Table. Ashley, Mike V., Kevin and Jennifer land in the top four, and no one’s more surprised than Jennifer. They all receive props for a job well done, but the winner this week is … not a Voltaggio! Kevin walks away with the win and some Calphalon cookware.

Ash, Laurine and Ron represent the bottom three. Ash struggles to explain his poorly cooked meat and his incomplete meal. If I were Michelle, I’d call him out for not completing a meal twice in twenty four hours. Tom calls Laurine’s fish tentative and overcooked, and Toby takes issue with the lack of chips. Ron completes his about face, and now tells the judges that he had the most difficult dish, trying to cover his ass since Michelle serves the dish in her restaurant. She tells him that even if he doesn’t understand “deconstruction,” he still must cook a good meal, which he failed to do with overcooked rice and meat.

Over deliberation, the  judges argue about how to say “paella,” and Michelle verbally bitch slaps Toby when he criticizes Latin pronunciations. I always forget that she’s Latin, but I guarantee you that Toby never will again. But they laugh it off! The same criticisms, so bring the bottom three back out!

Somehow, Ash squeaks by and Ron gets the boot. He’s disappointed but leaves on a positive note. Notably, that eliminates all of the chefs with accents, unless you include Mike V. and his Dirty Jersey-ness.

I don’t disagree with the judges this week, but I hope Ash can pull something together before he finally goes home. I’m also happy to see Kevin win, as he’s one of the most genuinely likeable people on this season. And he has the talent to back it all up.

Next week: Are they cooking in their apartment? Mike I. teams with Robin? The top guns worry about elimination? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it looks like fun!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 6: Penn & Teller (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  IMDBpro

Oh Goodness. Fringe is back, and I have to say, I was a bit disappointed in this first episode of the sophomore season. Could it be that Charlie Francis is on his way out and the new female agent replacing him already bores me to death? Could it be because other than Olivia’s jump to a parallel universe, not much else seemed to carry over from the last season’s final episode? Or could it be that I must finally accept that the John Scott storyline is at last, officially, over?

I shall always hold out hope, Agent Scott! Anyway, we’re back! Several months ago, Fringe ended its first, uneven season on a high note. Everywhere, reviews called it a cliffhanger, but I don’t know how true that is. I do know a lot of people were blown away and looking forward to this week’s premiere. Which makes sense, considering how well done that last episode was: well-paced, nice character development, action, sci-fi, Leonard Nimoy (finally), alternate dimensions, surprises, and Mr. Jones – the best villain on television.

We return with just another typical episode, although when Olivia goes missing (no one thought to look in the alternate dimension, natch), then reappears at the scene of a car accident by flying through the windshield of the damaged car and landing in the middle of the street – that was pretty awesome. That was also the high point. Olivia spends the rest of the episode in bed as a fragile and short term memory amnesiac once she wakes up from the coma that should have killed her. Good news: though Rachel stops by, her daughter doesn’t. I’ll take what I can get.

All the while, a “shapeshifter” kills and assumes the identities of random people in order to find, question, and kill Olivia because of information she knows (but has now forgotten). This shapeshifter appears to have been sent by someone from the Alternate Dimension, and he uses a nifty little box the size of a point-and-shoot camera to shift. All it takes is a matter of seconds…

Over in the Bishop household, i.e. the Harvard Lab, Doc and Peter are old friends again (didn’t Doc go on a sabbatical or something?) and Doc is making Peter custard for his birthday. So is Peter a Libra? It’s hinted that Peter doesn’t like custard, but our dimension’s Peter probably did before he died. Whoops! Also, does Peter look more and more sick as the episode progresses, or was that just me? Exposition has five lines, one of which is to remind people of her name. The cow has one line, and it’s hilarious. Peter and Agent Jessup (wait for it) investigate Olivia’s accident, and with Doc’s help, stumble up on the existence of the shapeshifter.

And here is my least favorite part, the arrival of Junior Agent Jessup. She questions Peter, hacks into Fringe Division’s computer systems (we learned last season that the internet solves all manner of secret cases and problems), then helps Peter’s investigations. Peter none too subtly points out that she should be freaked and/or running away and isn’t; Jessup says, “I think I’ve been waiting for you people my whole life.” And oh crap. What nonsense are we going to get with Jessup? Was she originally from the alternate dimension and never felt she “fit in” here? Did someone from the Other Side steal her parents? Did she take cortexephan? Has she seen strange things her whole life and could never explain them (and that’s why she joined the FBI)? I pray I’m wrong and that JJ Abrams and team do not make this into another stereotypical storyline. Because, presumably, Jessup is the agent replacing Charlie Francis, and let’s be clear – I’m a fan of Charlie Francis (despite Acevedo’s I could care less attitude at NYCC), I just never liked the story and plot holes surrounding his character. Fire a writer, not Acevedo. So maybe that’s why I’m wary of Jessup, or it’s because her storyline seems like a cliché already. I do hope I’m wrong.

Charlie does stop by the hospital, as fans everywhere scream happily and think, I thought they fired him! Damn you, Twitter!, then remember he’s sticking around a little longer before he dies. Because…

The shapeshifter shifts into the form of Olivia’s nurse. The nurse questions Olivia, realizes she knows nothing, then tries to kill her. But Peter and Jessup have figured it all out (who needs Olivia, anyway?) and with the help of Francis, they save our girl and chase the shapeshifter into tunnels below the hospital. There, Francis kills the shapeshifter … or does he???

Meanwhile, Broyles reports to D.C. to defend the funding of the Fringe Division, and only saves the day when Peter arrives to give Broyles the shapeshifter’s toy – Broyles can use it as proof that we need to prepare for an invasion. Or something. Do you think the guys in Washington know what’s going on? If so, why can’t we hear that conversation? It would clear up so much. So basically, The Man was going to shut down Fringe Division, and now they’re not, and we’re probably going to get more bureaucratic nonsense out of this whole sequence, so … just great.

We end with Jessup comparing Fringe cases to chapters of the Bible, and then follow Charlie Francis as he incinerates the body of … Charlie Francis! Yes, in a moment you knew was coming once we saw Francis shoot at the shapeshifter, Charlie Francis is dead and the shapeshifter will be infiltrating the FBI starting next week.

Though we don’t receive too many answers upon our return, the writers have delivered plenty of new questions to keep us interested. Still, I was a little disappointed. The story was fine (though shapeshifters are kind of an old device from scifi and comics), and this other, scared side of Olivia has potential. Unfortunately, the creative changes with a new character worries me. However, if they pull it off and I love Jessup, I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong. On the other hand, why not just do Jasika Nicole a well-deserved solid and give her some lines? Or a fleshed out part? Or something other than exposition? It’s only week one, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Of note:

Olivia wakes up from her coma speaking Greek, which translates to: Be a better man than your father, which Peter’s mother used to say to him before bed.

What’s the deal with the car accident? In the finale, Olivia almost hit another car on her way to meet with William Bell. How exactly does that relate to the opening car accident?

Nina kisses Broyles. What the what???

Next week: I have no idea, my Tivo overlapped with It’s Always Sunny. So we’ll find out together!

For another take on this episode, check out New Season, Same Lab Cow by Paul Secrest.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 2, Episode 1: A New Day in the Old Town (originally aired September 17, 2009)

For more on Fringe, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Oh, these pampered chefs! They’re so used to comfortable beds and real kitchens that once you take them out of their element, we’re forced to hear about it endlessly in interviews. This week, TC sends the contestants out into the desert, and if no one ended up bitten by a scorpion, I really don’t see what all the complaining is about. It’s dry heat for crying out loud.

But first! Michael V. begins his episode-long complaint by agreeing with me that Hector should have stayed, and someone like Robin should have packed her knives instead. He explains that the best chefs present are himself, his brother, and Mike I. Humility doesn’t seem to be trait of anyone on this show named “Michael.”  We also learn that Mike V. thinks the desert is for people who don’t eat and don’t cook, and specifically, not for him (it’s also not for Eli, who has a girlfriend who likes to camp. Go figure.). Mike V. also talks about how he doesn’t change his menu based on the diner – rather he bases his menu choice on the challenge. Because he doesn’t cater to diners. He cooks, and they will come or they won’t, and they will like his food or they won’t. And screw all y’all, because I’m Michael Voltaggio, bitches!

In other news, Mattin grew up on a farm and camping makes him happy, while outhouses remind Ashley of her childhood because she was poor. She has a twin brother who just had a baby. Congrats! But you know, I just want you to cook well, already.

Which brings us, belatedly to…

Quickfire. Guest Judge: Tim Love, who excels at combining Southwestern cuisine and fine dining. Also, fun Masters contestant. I’m seeing a pattern here with the judges – are you? The chefs must cook a succulent meal using cactus. High stakes Quickfire, with money up for grabs.

Mike V. feels confident even though he has little experience with cactus; Mike I. actually does have experience, and cures it like salmon. Mattin didn’t know cactus could be eaten. Neither did I, but I’m no chef. It finally occurs to Laurine to have some confidence in her own abilities.

Tim’s least favorites are Mike V. (oh, snap!), Ash, and Ron. His top three are Mike I., Laurine, and Mattin (crazy!). Despite Mattin’s Happy Dance, Mike I. wins the $15,000 but no immunity.

Elimination Challenge. Prepare lunch outdoors on a ranch for two dozen cowboys in a rustic setting. The chefs can create any dish they like, but will not see their kitchen until after they shop and arrive at the ranch that evening. Sleepover!

Cue the sad stories about how frustrating and inconvenient it is not to know the conditions of the “kitchen.” Everyone’s a baby this week. It occurs to Ashley that they’ll have a grill and that’s about it, and she plans her dish appropriately, as does Laurine who compares herself emotionlessly to MacGyver for her ability to adapt. No word if she can disarm a bomb. Mike V., who knows he’s one of the best chefs in the competition, takes into account the desert heat.

The chefs arrive at Sandy Valley Ranch to find fire pits, cast iron pans, and lots and lots of sand. The Voltaggio brothers share a tent, and somewhere, Mike I. cries himself to sleep. Bryan talks about his teenage camping years and that brother Mike V. seems ill-prepared for camping and cooking outdoors. Mike V. complains some more, then insists that a good cook can adapt to anything. And in case you’ve forgotten, he is one of the best chefs here.

The next day, it’s time to cook! The tables are crowded together and there’s lots of elbow rubbing and requests for swords (thank you, Ron), and Laurine seems the most comfortable using the fire pit grills. Mattin opts for ceviches because they’re easy and he won’t have to use the grill, while Ron decides to use the coconut juice leftover from his ceviche for a coconut mojito.

There’s lots of whining about the heat, so let’s get right to…

Service. Mike I.’s pork gyro tastes good, but lacks pizzazz. Laurine’s arctic char and potato score well, while Eli’s tuna sandwich lacked seasoning and fresh bread. Mattin’s ceviches are so awful that Tom actually spits his out and he uses the word “gross.” Robin’s prawns taste “terrible,” and Tim Love says he feels like he just “sucked down a piece of chlorine.” (In an interview, Robin concedes her prawns tasted awful and she waited to taste them until after she served the judges. Whoops!) Ash’s chicken breast is “sensible” and Love enjoys the succotash, but the diners aren’t very impressed. Bryan’s pork loin inspires Gail to try camping with Bryan any day, and if she weren’t married, I’d read into that compliment. Gail also likes Jenn’s snapper but nothing about it “jumps out” for Tim Love. Ashley’s club sandwich with halibut and avocado was so well done that Padma declares she might be a dark horse. That, Padma, is a stretch. You’re better than that! Ron’s ceviche is better than Mattin’s, but the coconut mojito is “terrible” and ruins his whole presentation. Gail loves Mike’s dashi, Tom calls it refreshing, and Tim calls it “unexpected.” Kevin’s duck is beautifully cooked and Padma loves his use of mole.

Judges’ Table. The high scorers this week are MacGyver (what the what!), Ashley, Bryan, and Mike V. Mike V.? With all the complaining and the interviews this week, I thought for sure he’d be in the bottom. Well done, editors! The judges hand out the compliments, with a quick note that MacGyver was almost too simple, but simplicity done well always equals a winner. But the real winner tonight isn’t Laurine, it’s Bryan! That’s three elimination challenges for him, and of course, we hear about how he’s beating his brother and blah blah blah, let’s bring out the losers.

Out come Robin, Ron, and Mattin as the bottom three. Robin describes a dish that she didn’t actually make, and Tim Love calls the idea “ridiculous.” Wow. He has no patience for bullshit or bad food, does he? We need to bring him back. Robin admits that she’s not surprised by her spot on the bottom or that she could be sent home. Over in France, Mattin does not understand his low score, so the judges all take turns bashing his ceviches. Ron’s ceviche wasn’t perfect, but Tom and Gail explain how terrible his drink was; had he not made the drink, he probably wouldn’t have been called out.

Over deliberation, Ron gets a freebie for at least making one edible component, and it comes down to Mattin’s naïveté about his own food and Robin’s bad fish. Bring them back out and au revoir, Frenchie. Your delusions are your doom. He takes it well and is convinced they’ll miss him. Obviously, the delusions aren’t going anywhere.

Something to consider: in the last challenge, Gail said that they could not have served the culinary greats so early during any other season, giving testament to Season 6’s chefs. If that’s the case, why did so many of them crash and burn this week? Only certain dishes would have made it to the table if Robuchon had been dining again. I think this is a good group of chefs, but I also think there’s more cutting that needs to happen before the serious competition can begin.

Also, Hector should still be here.

Next week:  Bull’s testicles and Penn & Teller! No relation between the pairs.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 5: Camping (originally aired September 16, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

It’s Emmy Time! Sure there’s a surprise or two, but I hope you weren’t expecting a revolution. Before we commence with the nominees, allow me to share my prejudices and problems. And you know I have them.

The problem with award shows: There’s a gazillion Grammy awards, and yet, there’s so much music out there across every genre, subgenre, underground genre, genre-spanning genre (pop, pop-country, pop-rock, rock-country, etc.) that narrowing down the nominees and then picking one winner (who tends to walk away with several awards), doesn’t seem fair. Or realistic. The Oscars rarely hold surprises in their nominations or winners (despite “breakout” movies like Slumdog Millionaire and Little Miss Sunshine. America loves their underdogs!). When comedies and minorities sweep the Oscar nominations, I’ll buy you all drinks. Until then, pick a role that requires you to cry, die, or burst into manic fits of emotion, and you’re practically guaranteed a “It’s an honor just to be nominated…”  Maybe a quirky character bit will land you a nod, but I think we can all pick the potential nominees just by reading plot summaries and watching theatrical trailers.

As for the Emmys, they suffer from a little of both the Grammy genre breakdown, and the Oscar predictability. So many categories, and yet not enough to do real justice to forgotten actors. And the predictability of seeing the same names and faces, year after year, even when some shows haven’t had stellar seasons, becomes a little disappointing for television fans.

And with that bitterness and cynicism in mind, I present to you this year’s list of nominees, complete with my thoughts on the snubs and the overhyped (or ridiculously repeated).  And just like the Oscars, there’s plenty of these I haven’t seen, so I’ll only share my thoughts where appropriate (ha!). Feel free to share yours!

Best Comedy Series: Entourage; Family Guy; Flight of the Conchords; How I Met Your Mother; The Office; 30 Rock; Weeds.

Analysis: The Office deteriorated in terms of quality this season (way to go Emmy pandering!), and 30 Rock also suffered from too many “very special guest stars” – though it still remained Must See TV. Family Guy is long overdue for recognition, and a win. Missing: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Raunchy and hilarious, every week. And sadly, Scrubs continues to receive no love. But hey, why not nominate Entourage…again?

Best Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Steve Carrell, The Office; Jemaine Clement, Flight of the Conchords; Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory; Tony Shalhoub, Monk; Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men.

Analysis: Alec Baldwin, all the way, even though he was much better in earlier seasons. I refuse to comment on anything from CBS. However, I know for a fact Two and a Half Men should never be nominated for anything. Tony Shalhoub…still? Zach Braff, ftw!

Best Actress, Comedy: Christina Applegate, Samantha Who; Toni Collette, United States of Tara; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine;  Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds; Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program.

Analysis: I’m against giving awards to people who are basically “acting” like themselves, no matter how funny they are (Denis Leary, Rescue Me) – so, good-bye, Sarah Silverman. And again, not 30 Rock’s most deserving season.

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Kevin Dillon, Entourage; Neil Patrick Harris, HIMYM; Jack MacBrayer, 30 Rock; Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock; Rainn Wilson, The Office.

Analysis: Despite what I just said re:  actors acting as themselves (we have no proof here!), Tracy Morgan in 30 Rock. Not your best season, Jack MacBrayer. Not with a full cast of Scrubs and Corbin Bernsen in Psych.

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Kristin Chenoweth, Pushing Daisies; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock; Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds; Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live; Kristin Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

Analysis: Yawn.

Guest Actor, Comedy: Alan Alda, 30 Rock; Beau Bridges, Desperate Housewives; Jon Hamm, 30 Rock; Steve Martin, 30 Rock; Justin Timberlake, Saturday Night Live

Guest Actress, Comedy: Jennifer Aniston, 30 Rock; Christine Baranski, The Big Bang Theory; Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live; Gena Rowlands, Monk; Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock; Betty White, My Name Is Earl

Analysis: Okay, even I watched SNL again for Fey’s Palin imitations, and she was brilliant. More deserving here than for Best Actress. Elaine Stritch = Always Awesome.

Best Drama Series: Big Love, Breaking Bad, Damages, Dexter, House, Lost, Mad Men

Analysis: Damages had a good season, but not a great one when you have shows like Friday Night Lights being ignored. Even with characters like Jason Street. Though I usually like House, this season tanked until the last few episodes. Fringe was more consistent, even when it was being inconsistent.

Best Actor, Drama: Simon Baker, The Mentalist; Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad ; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Hugh Laurie, House

Analysis: If Simon Baker wins, all is lost. The Mentalist is Psych, and not rewarding Psych while rewarding its ripoff is NOT RIGHT.

Best Actress, Drama: Glenn Close, Damages; Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Holly Hunter, Saving Grace; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Analysis: I’m told by people who watch Mad Men that Moss is “okay,” but January Jones should have been nominated. This category drives me crazy, because again – Glenn Close was great, but this season didn’t blow your mind, acting-wise. I like SVU, but I’ve never understood Hargitay’s nomination. I’m so over Kyra Sedgwick, like ten years ago – I’m ready to stop watching TNT for all the crazy promotion this woman and her show receives. Watch Leverage instead!

Robbed? I hate to jump on the FNL bandwagon, but Connie Britton is amazing. So’s Kyle Chandler while we’re at it. But then we couldn’t nominate Baker, I guess.

Best Supporting Actor, Drama: Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal; Michael Emerson, Lost; William Hurt, Damages; Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad; William Shatner, Boston Legal; John Slattery, Mad Men

Best Supporting Actress, Drama: Rose Byrne, Damages; Hope Davis, In Treatment; Cherry Jones, In Treatment; Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy; Dianne Wiest, In Treatment; Chandra Wilson, Grey’s Anatomy

Analysis: William Hurt was awful, and though Rose Byrne was much better in her second season, emoting two emotions (vengeance and befuddlement) do not a three dimensional character make. Waste of nominations!

Guest Actor, Drama: Edward Asner, CSI: NY; Ted Danson, Damages; Ernest Borgnine, ER; Michael J. Fox, Rescue Me; Jimmy Smits, Dexter

Guest Actress, Drama: Brenda Blethyn, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; Carol Burnett, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; Ellen Burstyn, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; Sharon Lawrence, Grey’s Anatomy; CCH Pounder, The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency

Analysis: Like you didn’t see the Carol Burnett nomination coming the moment you saw the promos for her guest appearance.

Reality Competition Program: The Amazing Race; American Idol; Dancing with the Stars; Project Runway; Top Chef

Reality Show Host: Tom Bergeron, Dancing with the Stars; Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race; Heidi Klum, Project Runway; Padma Lakshmi (Host) and Tom Colicchio (Co-Host), Top Chef; Jeff Probst, Survivor; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

Analysis: Most Pointless Category – aren’t they all window dressings reveling in the drama and stirring the pot? However, as long as Andy Cohen NEVER receives a nomination, I don’t care.

Reality Series: Antiques Roadshow, Dirty Jobs, Dog Whisperer, Intervention, Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, MythBusters

Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Colbert Report, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Late Show With David Letterman, Real Time With Bill Maher, Saturday Night Live

Analysis: I love me some Dave, but The Colbert Report, hands down. I mean, come on. And come on.

Variety, Music, or Comedy Special: Will Ferrell: You’re Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush; Ricky Gervais: Out of England; Kathy Griffin: She’ll Cut a Bitch; The Kennedy Center Honors; Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger

Analysis: Chris Rock. Period.

Miniseries: Generation Kill; Little Dorrit

Made for TV Movie: Coco Chanel; Grey Gardens; Into The Storm; Prayers For Bobby; Taking Chance

Actor in a Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance; Kenneth Branagh, Wallander: One Step Behind; Kevin Kline, Cyrano de Bergerac (Great Performances); Brendan Gleeson, Into the Storm; Sir Ian McKellen, King Lear (Great Performances); Kiefer Sutherland, 24: Redemption

Actress in a Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens; Jessica Lange, Grey Gardens; Shirley MacLaine, Coco Chanel; Sigourney Weaver, Prayers For Bobby; Chandra Wilson, Accidental Friendship

Analysis: Obviously, I don’t watch miniseries or made for TV movies.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie: Len Cariou, Into the Storm; Tom Courtenay, Little Dorrit; Ken Howard, Grey Gardens; Bob Newhart, The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice; Andy Serkis, Little Dorrit

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie: Shohreh Aghdashloo, House Of Saddam; Marcia Gay Harden, The Courageous Heart Of Irena Sendler (Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation); Janet McTeer, Into The Storm; Jeanne Tripplehorn, Grey Gardens; Cicely Tyson, Relative Stranger

Analysis: Marcia Gay Harden. The one person from this seasons of Damages who should have been nominated for it.

Well, that’s all I’ve got. The good news is, True Blood received zero nominations. How Anna Paquin walked away with a Golden Globe is beyond me. Michael Emerson as Lost’s only nominee also seems rightly deserved; I don’t understand the love affair with Elizabeth Mitchell, so please don’t complain to me about a “snub” here. I’m praying she remains dead when the show returns next year. Michael J. Fox in Rescue Me is a wonderful nod, but clearly the voters aren’t actually watching the shows, or Rescue Me would have at least received writing or directing nominations. As usual, no scifi recognition (John Noble, almost everyone on Battlestar Galactica), but I’m not sure why we scifi fans even get our hopes up.

Despite 30 Rock’s major Emmy love, the recognition of Family Guy, and other standouts (Jeremy Piven’s welcome absence, and, supposedly, the guy from The Big Bang Theory), Emmy isn’t more edgy or more welcoming this year. Too many of the nominees are the same, for lackluster seasons and repetitive performances. Which is why I won’t be watching the show again this year, just catching the highlights on youtube that someone will pass along. Instead, I’ll watch all my favorite episodes from shows and actors who didn’t receive nominations. At least I know I’ll be in for a great evening!

The 61st Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Sunday, September 20 at 8/7c on CBS

Originally published July 16, 2009

Photographs courtesy of NBC, CBS, AMC, ABC, FX, and IMDbPro

There comes a moment in every season where I just can’t believe what I’m watching on America’s Next Top Model. And then … I have to recap it. In Cycle 13, that moment is here.

Why is this bad? Because it’s only week 3!

And so! The girls head to the Wilhelmina Agency to meet with Sean Patterson, President, and Nigel Barker for individual interviews and critiques. Of note: Jennifer goes on about her condition, Ptosis. I mention it because we hear about it a lot, though I never noticed it. Apparently, everyone else does.

The girls wait together, excited and patient since they all believe this is a challenge with a winner and prizes. Except when Nigel and Patterson reappear, they announce the loser, and the loser must immediately return to the house, pack her belongings, and get the f— out of L.A. The stunned girls all breathe a sigh of relief when Rachel’s name is called, and poor Rachel. She’s adorable and now she has to go back to working at Wal-Mart.  She’s crushed, and I’m genuinely sympathetic. Until I realize that this knocks one more week off this show, and then I’m ecstatic. Yes, it’s possible to love and hate this show at the same time. Just watch!

Next up, the real challenge! The girls arrive at a “photo shoot” with a photographer so over-the-top he can’t be real. He bashes their collective inability to take a perfect photo in one take, until a mild-mannered model looking suspiciously like Tyra in glasses appears to take her turn.  When the photographer insults short women, Tyra Kent can stand it no more and transforms into … Super Smize. I kid you not. Like, in full costume and everything. The editors can’t find footage without at least one person’s expression all “WTF???” What follows is a series of one-on-ones where Tyra teaches all the ladies how to smile with their eyes. And in this, the season where a makeover has been renamed a Ty­over, as if she’s reinvented and improved upon the concept, Tyra has created a new word: smize, as in “smiling with your eyes.” Learn it. Love it. Use it. Shoot the person next to you who speaks of it seriously.

After the lesson of a lifetime, Tyra suits up the girls in the most embarrassing pink leotards ever. The funny part? The girls know exactly how ridiculous they look and appear ashamed. I love these short girls this cycle. They absolutely get how ludicrous Tyra’s shenanigans are, but they’re willing to put up with them for a modeling contract. They face off in pairs for the Battle of the Smize. The winners (Bianca, Courtney, Kentucky, Kara, Lulu, and Brittany) enjoy dinner with Patterson while the losers do the dishes. That’s some old school loser punishment there.

The photo shoot. The ladies visit Santa Anita Park, the Home of Seabiscuit, because they said he was too small too, you know. The girls will don long wigs, bare their boobs, and take a photo with a horse and jockey.

Rae smizes through her shoot and rocks it early. Jennifer must fight her ptosis and a horse who doesn’t like her. Brittany gives Italian Vogue, so she’s safe. Nicole feels intimidated but eventually nails a strong shot. Ashley poses too much, and Erin is smizing, even though you can’t tell with all that make-up. Kentucky’s right at home around the horse, and fyi – she loves nudity. Lulu’s too stiff and swimsuit. Jay forces Courtney to wear her broken-foot boot, and now she’s pissed. She feels “disabled,” and stuns Jay by being angry and awful. Bianca interviews that she won’t complain about her hair. Which is kind of like complaining about it, just not to Jay. She feels it’s worse than last week … and honestly, I have to agree. She looks terrible, but worse models have worked it out. Jay says Isis came off far more feminine than Bianca did. Ouch. And Nice. Kara needs to work out the tension in her body, and Sundai needs very little coaching.

In the drama department, back at the house, Jennifer and Bianca argue about what constitutes a clean dishwasher, and Bianca proves again that she’s possibly the world’s biggest bitch. Of course, that’s not her problem. Courtney complains again about how Jay made her wear the boot and that killed her photo. Brittany calls bullshit and Courtney insists “let me feel my feelings,” but really, it’s a little too character revealing, Courtney.

Judging. Guest Judge: Lauren “LC” Conrad. I’m not even going to recap her comments because despite her being a fashion designer … shut up, LC. Maybe they cut out all of her really helpful comments. Bring back Chanel Iman!

Kara’s photo is beautiful but lacks movement, smize, and pizzazz. Ashley overposed so much in her photos that Tyra chose the one the photographer used to test the light, with a crew member airbrushed out of the shot. Yikes. Jennifer’s uneven eyes come up again and she officially becomes the poster child for Ptosis. Also, her photo wasn’t great. Lulu looks sweet, and Brittany has a “strong, fierce look.” She models H-to-T, another Tyra-ism meaning Head-to-Toe. Write that down. Up next comes Bianca, who makes a comment about her unlikable blonde hair. Too much tension in her mouth, and Ms. J is becoming less of a fan. Kentucky doesn’t look like her photo (which is a compliment. I think.) and she smizes with sex appeal. Sundai’s eyes become lost in her picture. Tyra calls Rae’s photo something like Madonna in W Magazine, “just off, weird,” but this is all good. I can’t believe Tyra made a non-modeling world pop culture reference or that it was a compliment. Rae’s expression looks the same as last week to me, but I’m just judging from my couch. Nicole is melancholy and beautiful. Erin’s face also reminds me of last week (as in: easy) but the judges congratulate her on an amazing photo. Courtney hobbles forward without her brace, and the judges immediately call her out for looking angry and ordinary in her picture. Ms. J leads her into admitting that she gave up. Uh oh! Courtney, for some reason, thinks that explaining about the boot will help her case.

Deliberation equals more of the same, so bring them back out! Called first: Mena Suvari! Er, I mean, Erin. Bottom two: Bianca and Courtney. Bianca is still complaining about hair and make up, and Courtney gave up. Going home: Courtney. And that’s two in one episode that I don’t agree with. If Bianca didn’t show any progress from one shoot to the next, shouldn’t she be eliminated? But once again, the bitch stays for good television. Sorry, Courtney – I was rooting for you.

Next week: I was right because Bianca’s involved in another argument. Oh, and a fashion show.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 3: Fortress of Fierceness (originally aired September 16, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Firooz Zahedi, and Michael Desmond.

Don’t get the wrong idea. 9 and his buddies are pretty darn cute (I’d like to take 3 and 4 home and keep them forever as my best buddies/Tinkerbell-like guardians) but the Apocalypse itself…not so much.  However, here’s the action and wonder that went missing all through the summer movie season.

Despite the awesomeness of the trailer (I think it was the use of the Coheed and Cambria track that sold me), 9 wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be. In one of the darkest U.S. produced animated movies, director Shane Acker helps along the evolution of steampunk in cinema and creates a feature length version of his Academy Award-nominated 2005 short film. The rag doll 9 awakens in a future where man and machine have extinguished each other, leaving only these nine remaining life forms and a mechanical, hateful dog which hunts them down. And yet, for some reason, I didn’t think it would be that dark.

And it is, which is kind of fun when you realize you’re watching an animated movie, and especially when you realize the theater won’t be crawling with 2 year olds. I loved Bolt, but not necessarily the crowd I saw it with.

But back to the Apocalypse! The villainous dog captures 2, and so begins the journey of 9 and his new compatriots. In an attempt to rescue their friend, they awaken something darker, bigger, and much more destructive to their existence.

This film, visually, is on par with the best animated movies this year, with imagery and fluidity done was well or better than Up and Coraline. The action rivals any summer blockbuster, and the emotional depth and character attachment as accessible as any live action film. For animation rated PG-13, the storytellers do not hold back, giving us horrifying kills, terrifying monsters, and wicked imagery as haunting as any thriller or horror movie.

The mood stays dark with only brief moments of lightness – if apocalyptic movies and horror movies aren’t your thing, this probably isn’t for you. Though animated, the clash of metal on metal and easy destruction of rag dolls carries a surprising violence. You will not walk away thinking this might, even remotely, be something you want to bring your five year old and his birthday party to.

There is no great lesson or moral to the story, although all the normal hero themes are there:  stand up and fight, refuse to be a victim, take responsibility, etc. But what we have is a story for story’s sake, a journey with nine characters who may or may not survive to the end, who refuse to be cowed even as they fear every passing second. This is about survival, pure and simple in a plot-driven story that never fails to entertain.

Sure, there are a few plot holes and questions that go unanswered. There’s not much in the way of character development, not in a broad sense. The voice acting falls a little flat, though John C. Reilly proves once again he’s amazing with his voice alone. However – visually, a stunning picture. The execution of a wildly different concept (nine dolls inheriting the earth?), breathtaking. Perhaps not the most uplifting movie of the year, but we end with a beautiful, heartfelt sequence that touches anyone with a soul, anyone willing to accept the premise and open up to a different kind of story. The feast for the eyes alone, from character designs to dark, poetic imagery, should sell this movie ticket. Maybe it won’t be what you thought it would be, but it’s worth a look.

I’m sure Lifetime’s aiming for a little cross promotion, but it won’t work with me. I only have so much TiVo model allocation. Anyway – last week, Michael Kors was away and Qristyl barely outlasted Mitchell. The previews teased us that we might have another prom dress challenge and I was oddly looking forward to it.

And so! Tim meets the designers in the workroom with this week’s clients: The Models! The designers must create a look for the ladies who will attend an industry event. The outfits must help the girls stand out and be noticed. They have $100 and one day to make it happen.

The designers struggle to balance their aesthetics with the desires of their models. Specifically: Johnny calls it a “simple” challenge because he and his model have the same “vibe” and  “it would be like designing something for myself if I was a black girl.”  ….  And, moving on.

Epperson’s model wants fresh, simple, romantic, punk, interesting, sexy but not overly so, something that will show off the body without exposing too much, not too big, something tight, and Tiger. Epperson, understandably, worries.

Logan interviews early that he’s concerned that he and his model will have differing aesthetics. Uh oh! Since we never hear from Logan, I take this to mean he’s going to do poorly. Logan’s model wants an artistic, edgy, 1950’s look with lace or leather – all things he’s not comfortable with.

Tim Time. He thinks Barbie’s 3-piece suit has a wow-factor potential. He calls Epperson’s look innovative and chic. He tells Qristyl that her two tone semi-draped look appears messy, and she begins to second-guess herself. Logan says he doesn’t want his work to look like “a smurf prom dress,” and Tim tells him he has a conundrum. Tim thinks the upper, one shouldered portion of Carol Hannah’s dress may “rob [her] model of her youth.” I think it’s a great dress, so hopefully she doesn’t change too much and/or end up in the bottom.

We have a short moment where Epperson calls home near tears, an interview about how much he loves and misses his family, and we watch as he sews his dress while barely keeping his emotions under control. Yeesh. I really want him to pull out a strong dress here.

Qristyl starts over on a new design. She reminds me of Sweet P, where Tim came in, critiqued, Sweet P followed his advice, and then pulled out a great design. That’s the only reason Sweet P lasted so long. Except instead of taking any advice or sticking with her design, Qristyl just starts over and pulls together what she can. Not that smart, I think.

Enter the models! Epperson’s lady loves the new direction he went in. Johnny’s model doesn’t like his dress, but she plays it off and he starts to get snippy. Logan calls his look Gothic Cinderella. His model likes it, but he worries because it’s so different from everyone else’s.

Pre-Runway jitters. Qristyl’s dress is simple and black, and though she worries that it might be too simple, she says every woman wants a great black dress in her closet. Irina says “no one’s really looked like crap” except Barbie’s, and it might have been better if she’d “stapled it together.” Nicolas thinks Epperson made a “rag,” and Johnny produced an “awful” dress. Christopher says that the judges will either love or hate Epperson’s design.

Runway. Guest judges: Marc Bouwer, Zoe Glassner, and Jennifer Rade. Where the heck is Kors?

Qristyl: Nice, black TJ Maxx dress. Nicolas: Chic, beautiful. Irina: Cute. Gordana: Blah. Shirin: Kind of boring. Logan: I almost like, but model-esque? Christopher: Well, it’s different. Epperson: Chic, sexy. Johnny: Looks messy, ill-proportioned. Barbie: Skirt looks unfinished? Louise: Cool black dress. Qristyl, please take note. Ra’mon: A sheath with a big flower. What? Carol Hannah: Sophisticated, cool.

Safe: Louise, Irina, Christopher, Nicolas, Gordana, Shirin, Ra’mon.

The judges call Carol Hannah’s dress beautifully executed and sophisticated, and Bouwer loves the juxtaposition of softness with a hard edge. Zoe and Heidi both call Logan’s dress prom-esque (in, naturally, a bad way), and Jennifer tells him to trust his instincts – he had wanted to change the silhouette but didn’t. Jennifer also tells him he’s cute and she loves his silver pants and matching sneakers. She promises this will help him. Mark Bouwer assures us that the work Epperson did was difficult and incredible. Jennifer gives him a golf clap and a job well done after enthusiastically congratulating his vision and skills. Heidi wishes the model’s boobs had had some support, and … I’m kind of with her. I hate that look, but she concedes it might be all that Victoria’s Secret brainwashing. I immediately make plans to go bra shopping at VS this weekend.

Johnny’s model says she wanted flirty and pretty. Jennifer says that the purse that Johnny didn’t make was the most interesting thing about the outfit, and that “the world really doesn’t need more of that dress.” Heidi calls it “bridesmaid,” and there’s an audible gasp. And yes! I’ve been around a lot of bridesmaid dresses lately, and she’s so right! Zoe calls it “wearable,” which isn’t always a good thing. The bridesmaid comment really nails it though.

Heidi says Qristyl’s model, Valerie, doesn’t look youthful, and that Qristyl “aged her 10 or 15 years.” Jennifer says that Qristyl didn’t take a risk. The model claims to like the dress, and Jennifer says, “But that’s why Valerie’s not a designer. Right?” Valerie smiles and says yes. Jennifer says, “Thank god.” I love Jennifer. Bring her back! Everyone loves Barbie’s outfit, and even Jennifer gushes to no end about it.

The judges deliberate, and then bring them back out! And…Barbie wins! Not a surprise the way the judges went on and on. Carol Hannah, Epperson, and Johnny are safe. Between Logan and Qristyl, Logan is safe and Qristyl finally receives the boot. She takes it well though she feels she’s leaving too soon. I think it’s a little too late. The good news: we’ve finally weeded out the worst of the bunch, so let’s get this party started!

Next week: Kindergartners are designing, Zoe is back, and Tim thinks the designers are stalling out.

For another take on this episode, check out You Snooze You Lose by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 4: What a Woman Wants (originally aired September 10, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

And we’re back! It’s part II of the highly anticipated “Short Cycle” of ANTM. Thirty two girls showed up, fourteen were cast, and here we are!

The lucky shorties arrive back in L.A. to start their grand adventure. They notice that Amber the Faithful is MIA, but don’t worry too much about it. The atmosphere is immediately calmer and less psycho. Kentucky’s ready to break away from the farm, and Nicole thinks she’s the strongest girl here despite her inability to speak with inflection. Bianca’s not here to make friends (oh lord) — she wants to be an icon and she doesn’t care if you think she’s a bitch. Well, she’s obviously not going to care what I think.

The girls strut down Melrose Place until the Jays arrive with a limo to pick them up. Like hookers, but I’m sure that was unintentional. They stop at Sally Hershberger’s salon where Mr. Jay points out that Amber is missing, everyone pretends to be concerned, and then Jay introduces Lisa the Replacement. The girls then pretend to be happy to see her. Lisa looks like a young, fresh Michelle Rodriguez without the DUIs and muscles. She also has perfectly manicured eyebrows that look … a little too perfectly manicured. Brittany and Bianca both interview that Lisa’s no threat – she’s boring and quiet and they’re not sure why she was brought back. Lisa interviews that because she wasn’t supposed to be here, she needs to be that much better.

Then it’s time for Ty-overs! (Scream!) Yes, I can’t believe that Tyra is actually calling them Ty-overs now. I hope to never, ever use that term again. I’m a little disappointed we’re getting the makeovers already, but maybe short girls need all the help they can get.

Blonde Brittany receives dark brown hair, and Erin turns into a platinum blonde with platinum eyebrows. She now looks exactly like Mena Suvari. Rachel’s light brown hair goes dark, dark brown – a very nice improvement. Jennifer’s brows are reshaped and she loses length to her hair. Lisa also goes slightly shorter, so not much change to her either. Sundai loses her heavy weave and gains a “Rihanna” cut. I think she looked better with the longer hair, but you know, Tyra’s a genius as she so often reminds us, so I’ll trust her. Courtney’s short red hair gains more red and gets a shorter, punk cut. Lulu’s weave falls past her shoulders and gives her blunt bangs. Bianca with her shaven head can’t have much done in the way of hair, so Tyra bleaches her eyebrows. Bianca whines through the bleaching process because of the pain. Women everywhere roll their eyes. She fears she’ll look like Dennis Rodman and complains about the look. Nicole also receives red to her hair, and Tyra turns it into a rat’s nest. Already blonde Rae receives more ice coloring and bleached eyebrows. So…exactly what Erin received. Highlights for Kentucky and Kara, and a long, black, center part weave for Ashley.

In general, no emotional breakdowns and except for Bianca, everyone’s pretty pleased with their changes.

To the new house! As usual, it’s gorgeous despite the pictures of Tyra everywhere. There are funhouse mirrors and oversized furniture. It’s pretty awesome.

Bianca grates on people’s nerves but Kentucky’s naivete cuts the tension. Nicole tells us how in her last year of high school she sat by herself and the girls try to figure out the redheaded weirdo. Bianca flat out tells her, “I think there’s something wrong with you.”

Photo shoot. The girls are shown one of their baby pictures and must reinterpret the baby photo as a high fashion photo.

Jay thinks Erin lucked into a great photo because of her cool Mena Suvari makeover. Lulu works the props and Rachel needs to be “a little more than adorable,” according to Erin. Rae has fake drama over impossible heels that she was never meant to actually walk in. Jay calls her stunning. Courtney looks gorgeous. Bianca’s energy drops because she doesn’t like her makeup or her outfit. Jay tells her to pull it together, then says the poses are strong but the face is too severe. Brittany turns her pixie stick prop into porn shoot. As if I need to explain. Lisa has an awesome clown-esque outfit, but has no energy or change in expression. Ashley “makes the shot look expensive.” Sundai’s shoot wasn’t “elevated or current,” and falls flat. Nicole’s silence worries Jay, but she rocks out her shoot. Kara produces a better profile shot than a straight on photo. Kentucky looks almost like a different person in full makeup and nails the shoot. Jennifer also rocks her photos.

Judging. Tyra’s lost weight, and shows it off in another pair of weird pants and, basically, a bra top. Guest judge Chanel Iman. Then there’s Nigel and Ms. J, but no Paulina! This cycle, the modeling contract will be with Wilhelmina Models, because they don’t mind the short ladies.

Up first: Rachel looks taller in her photo, and aside from some weird hand posing, nails it. As does Ashley, who has a dancer’s background, it turns out. Brittany produces a sexy photo, and shortens her frame by curling up. Jennifer is “stunning,” “brilliant,” and creative. Tyra cautions Kara about only having a strong profile shot. Rae blows the judges out of the water, especially Chanel Iman. Sundai deflates under the criticism for her photo – the energy is down and the expression off. Lisa doesn’t pull off the concept because of her expression and pose. Nicole needs to smile with her eyes more, but the judges still love it. Ms. J calls it “Major!” and Chanel calls it “fierce.” The judges also love Kentucky’s photo, though Chanel advises on how to improve posing. Tyra calls Bianca out on her complaints about her makeup and clothes, though the photo is good. Erin produces a great shot, but she could have turned it up a notch. Nigel loves Lulu’s photo, and Chanel loves Courtney’s, calling it painting-like.

Over deliberation, it’s more of the same, so bring the girls on out! Best photo of the week goes to Rae and her 8-inch heels. The bottom two are Bianca and Lisa. Lisa’s personality isn’t coming out, and Bianca’s complaining means modeling might not be the industry for her. But what’s ANTM without a villain? Bianca stays, and boring Lisa goes home. Perhaps if she’d channeled a little more Michelle Rodriguez minus the alcohol issues, she might have lasted longer.

All in all, I love how genuinely excited these girls are to be here – for the most part, they’re less about being attention whores and more about hoping for genuine success. I don’t even mind Bianca as much as I did the taller villains. Maybe Tyra really is changing the modeling industry!

Next week: An early elimination and Tyra’s a superhero. As if her ego weren’t large enough.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 2: The Early Bird Gets a Makeover (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Baldomero Fernandez

It’s a super sized episode of Top Chef this week, with a nice twist and a disappointing conclusion. Let’s get to it!

Quickfire. Colicchio and guest judge and famous French chef, Daniel Boulud. Which means … it’s a French-themed challenge! Well, no, not that exciting for us, but Mattin couldn’t be happier. The chefs must create a dish using escargot, a.k.a. snail, as the main protein. And it’s a High Stakes Quickfire! However, no one’s walking away with $15,000 – this time, the winner receives immunity, but the loser suffers instant elimination. Now that’s awesome. Immediately, everyone worries, because half the chefs lack experience with escargot and the other half feel the excitement and nervousness of cooking for Boulud.

Mattin talks a big game – because, you know, he’s French – as does Mike I., who has an advantage because of his Greek heritage (though Eli reminds him he’s not from Greece, he’s from ******* Jersey). Jesse worries about the Pit of Despair she’s been in since she arrived and Robin admits to knowing nothing about escargot.

Boulud chooses Mike I., Kevin, and Jennifer as his top three favorites, and ultimately chooses Kevin’s southern-inspired snails as the winner.

In the bottom are Jesse (again), Ashley, and Robin. Colicchio declares a cook off: the three must create an amuse-bouche using any ingredients in the kitchen. They race to the death and each cooks something familiar, but ultimately, it’s Jesse who is sent home, and thank goodness they’ve finally put her out of her misery. She’s embarrassed by her three and a half episode performance, and wants people to know she doesn’t “suck this bad,” but she leaves feeling defeated.

Elimination Challenge. Create a six course French cuisine meal for some of the most famous chefs in the entire world: Hubert Keller (I’ve missed you, Hubert!), Laurent Tourondel, Jean Joho, Boulud, and Joel Robuchon. And Kevin, whose win in the Quickfire spares him from needing to cook so that he may join the judges for dinner. He’s beside himself at the honor. The contestants take turns interviewing about how they want to vomit over this challenge because of the intimidating diner line up – Robuchon, after all, was named the Chef of the Century. I just can’t believe this isn’t the final challenge – can TC top this for the finale?

The chefs draw knives labeled with a classic French sauce or traditional French protein. The chefs pair up sauce to protein to create teams. And so: Eli & Laurine (lobster & sauce americaine), Mattin & Ashley (poussin & sauce veloute), Hector & Ash (chateaubriand & sauce au poivre – or steak & peppercorn sauce), Robin & Ron (frog legs & sauce meuniere), Jennifer & Mike V. (rabbit and sauce chasseur), and Mike I. & Bryan V. (trout & sauce bearnaise). How does Mike I. ride on the coattails of the Voltaggio brothers every time?

Shopping and prep.  Mike I. becomes slightly more likeable as we see him and Bryan tease and torment Mike V. and Jennifer, and vice versa. It’s nice to see the playful competitiveness – otherwise, Mike I.’s just a jerk. Ron complains about Robin because she’s an incessant yapper, to the point of being ineffective on her single, specific task. He pleads the fifth on how effective they are as a team. Hector talks about representing Puerto Ricans and the people in his restaurant from the dishwashers to the cooks.

Mike I. wants to do something different with the bearnaise sauce while Bryan cooks the protein. So Bryan teaches Mike I. how to deconstruct the bearnaise using one of his own recipes.  Kevin interviews about the magnitude of serving your own dish to the caliber of chefs he’s going to be dining with. I wonder if he’s sorry he won’t have a chance to cook for Robuchon – though he obviously wouldn’t want to serve a poor dish, an amazing dish, of which Kevin is capable of producing, would probably leave a more lasting impression.

Mattin shoots down Ashley’s idea to use asparagus in his sauce, and instead adds bacon. He’s relaxed and confident, but she worries and defers to Frenchie for all decisions. Jennifer considers she and Mike V. a perfect team, to the point of not needing to speak to each other. Or they’re both not very personable, which I think is the case. Sure, it could just be the editing. Hector’s beef isn’t cooking fast enough, and he’s forced to pull it out at the absolute last minute and quickly hack it apart to have it plated in time. Ash can’t add his sauce until the beef is plated, so he races the clock to drop even a dab of the sauce on each dish. The result: the beef absorbs most of the sauce and the plate isn’t quite complete.

Service. There’s not much I can say about the food personally, because what I know about French cooking I learned from Ratatouille. Meaning, it’s so easy, a productive mouse can do it! Of note: Gail does a lot of nodding in odd close ups throughout dinner. Up first – Ron & Robin. While the diners concede that the frog legs are difficult to cook, there was too much flour and overcooking, but Hubert points out there was creativity and originality. Mike I. & Bryan: Mike I. hopes the diners “get” the concept of a broken-down bearnaise. Doesn’t he know who the diners are? Joho calls the dish simple and sophisticated, with perfectly cooked trout. Robuchon compliments their simplicity and excellence in the execution. Eli & Laurine: The lobster is tough; Robuchon calls the dish a success, but with no genuine or original flavors. Tourondel points out that it is a difficult dish to make. Mattin & Ashley crash and burn. The poussin is bland, the sauce is ruined by the bacon, and Ashley’s pasta was poorly cooked. Jennifer & Mike V.: Robuchon and Boulud both say that the rabbit is perfectly cooked, and Colicchio remarks that though Jennifer and Mike V. are both young chefs, they produced mature work. It sounds better when he says it. Hector & Ash: The sauce is almost non-existent, the beef is cooked unevenly, and Hector’s hack job on the beef offends Gail more than anything else. Uh oh!

Judges’ Table. Kevin arrives at the Stew Room but refuses to spill the beans on what was said during the meal. Top picks: Mike I. & Bryan, and Mike V. & Jennifer. Compliments, compliments, compliments, with Mike I. not exactly admitting that the concept of the bearnaise sauce was Bryan’s idea, but he does give Bryan the proper credit for the fish. And “teamwork.” Eye roll. Mike V. pays Jennifer a compliment, which is surprising, because they just seem so … cold, normally. Bryan wins! He’s shocked, especially because it wasn’t a team win, but Mike I. seems to take it okay. Oh, and he beats Mike V. again. Couldn’t move forward without hearing about that. Is it going to be Mike V., Bryan, and Jennifer in the finale? Will it really just be a showdown between the brothers? Bryan also wins a week under the tutelage of Robuchon, deemed priceless.

Bottom four are Hector & Ash and Mattin & Ashley. Mattin takes heat for the use of bacon in his sauce, and Ashley backs down when asked why they didn’t add asparagus to the sauce. She doesn’t stand up for herself, and Mattin lies about shooting down her ideas. Ash is careful not to throw Hector under the bus, but Gail doesn’t let her “hacked” beef go, and the judges are relentless about the poorly cooked meat.

Deliberation, and then bring them back out: and Hector, unfortunately, goes home. I’m really sorry to see him go – he’s such a nice, pleasant guy and one of the few minorities on the show who knows his stuff and cooks well. I think Mattin, the Frenchman, should have been called out on his inability to shine in his specific cuisine, and Ashley for deferring all decisions to Mattin. On top of that, no one liked her pasta, so why is she staying?

So, one of the few times I can’t agree with the judges, and I’m a little disappointed in Gail. There were better options this week, and I, personally, will miss Hector’s presence.

Next week: The wild west, and Colicchio spits out food! Awesome!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 4: Vivre Las Vegas (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

Oh my goodness, Top Model fans. I don’t even know what to say. Except: this is going to be the most hilarious cycle of Top Model yet!

In case you hadn’t heard, this cycle Tyra is changing the modeling world by casting only girls 5’7” and shorter. I mean, absolutely turning the modeling industry on its head. Modeling and supermodels as we know them will never be the same. Tyra will make the record books for this, and not just the Wikipedia files outlining each season of ANTM. Someday, people will talk about Tyra and revere her as the legend she is for changing the standards of beauty. Single-handedly. I don’t know if I can emphasize enough the utter amazing-ness that is Tyra for all the goodness she is doing here.

In case you don’t believe me, Tyra will tell us this herself. Without a hint of self-consciousness. Or embarrassment. The contestants will take turns talking about the opportunity that Tyra is providing for them by casting them in her show, because otherwise, they have no chance at being a model. And they’ve dreamed about winning ANTM since they were little. Which shocks me when I realize that that statement may be true, as the show premiered in 2003 and some of these girls are only 18. But who am I to mock people’s dreams?

So back to Tyra’s awesomeness, because that’s the most talked about item during this two hour season premiere. She takes credit for her show being so amazing that it started a riot, which … that’s twisting the truth a little too much. Considering people were injured. Honestly, the opening where she congratulates herself, and then not even five minutes in as the girls gush about how grateful they are to Tyra …  this is the funniest bit of entertainment I’ve seen since watching G.I. Joe. I could not stop laughing.

But moving on! We leave Las Vegas behind for The Biltmore Hotel in L.A. Thirty-two semifinalists arrive to meet Tyra, who talks to them in a French accent. The girls soak up the ridiculousness and pray that it never ends. I pray for a commercial. The Jays arrive to measure the girls and confirm height, which seems redundant since the girls would have been measured prior to casting. But I don’t care, because I love the Jays. I wonder what would happen if we gave them more weekly air time and cut some of Tyra’s out. Oh, I know, Tyra would fire them. So nevermind!

The girls walk the runway for Ms. J and take their Polaroids. Then come the interviews!

Of note: Rae, 21, a blonde mother of an 18-month-old who’s never been away from her daughter this long. Can’t wait for her to break down this season and leave early because she misses her baby. Amber, 18, an outspoken Jesus Christ fan who is clearly acting for the cameras – she’s deliberately over the top and her Bible-thumping is far too exaggerated. Bianca, 21, bald and beautiful and a student at Howard University. She immediately interviews about how she’s smart and mature. She has no problem with confidence issues, if you know what I mean. Since the “smart” girls always end up being “stuck up bitches” on this show, we know who our early villain is. It’s a shame, really. Courtney, 22, the cheerleader with the broken foot and no boobs (Tyra’s note, not mine).

Jennifer, 23, the super-excited Asian girl who fistfights over boyfriends. Nicole, 18, the redheaded Daria, but more socially awkward. Yes, it’s possible. She likes bloody eyeballs. I miss you, Allison! Sundai, 18, a victim of abuse and foster homes with the sad childhood who seems dangerously emotionally invested in this competition. Alison, 21, a modeling teacher and Brittany, 21, the math major who would be proud of herself for winning ANTM – but clearly not so much for her excellence in academics. Ciara, the blonde “calendar girl.” Amanda, 21, the awkward tomboy who lives in a pop-up trailer and pees in her yard. Really. Erin, 18, who blends into forgettableness. Kara, 18, the Kelly Bensimon look-a-like. It’s freaky and makes me dislike her instantly. FYI – she castrates sheep. Lulu, 19, this year’s lesbian. Ashley, 22, hand-picked from Tyra’s television show audience. Laura, 19, from Kentucky, who castrates cows. Weird bunch, aren’t they? She explains the process, which is gross. Rachel, 18, of the Bambi eyes. It’s Allison again! Raven, 19, the spoiled girl who doesn’t know how to move her body but has a cute face.

First eliminations! The girls will walk a runway in Yotam Solomon clothes, but only if they find an outfit in their labeled garment bags. 12 girls go home! Among them: Raven and Alison the model teacher. During the short fashion show, Amber irritates the other girls because of her belief that she’s perfect … and the Jesus thing. I do think Jesus would be embarrassed by how often she drops his name. Kentucky, nee Laura, thinks the other girls underestimate her, but she’ll blow them out of the water. She says.

There’s no catfight this year, so we fill the time with Tyra accolades, which we covered earlier, so on to …

Tyra’s deliberation with the Jays. And now: 14 finalists! Tyra makes the announcement in a terrible ‘80s ensemble of silver glitter, enormous shoulder pads, and very unflattering pants. What the what? Our housemates: Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole, Amber (“Thank you, Jesus Christ! We’re gonna save the world!”), Kentucky, and Sundai. The screaming, by everyone, is ridiculous.

Tyra wishes the eliminated girls luck with their future as face models. Then it’s more self-congratulations with the Top 14, and off to the L.A. house.

So I know this “short” modeling cycle is groundbreaking and everything, but I have a hard time jumping on board with the concept. Until Tyra picks Dove models to cast, we’re still looking at beautiful, petite, skinny girls. It’s the same type of girl we saw before, only short – not really that groundbreaking. Put a bunch of size 12s on the runway, that’ll cause a stir. As for the girls who keep talking about this amazing chance they’ve received – while I certainly wish them the best post-ANTM, it should be noted that no one has really gone on to great fame and fortune. Many of the girls are working, but no one’s a Gisele. Or a Tyra, or a Heidi or a Cindy. So … I don’t think this show is going to do that much, in terms of supermodel breakthroughs for short women. They all seem to be a little delusional. But I give them points for enthusiasm, as all the girls are genuinely excited and hopeful, and I do hope that whomever wins, their dreams come true.

Despite that little problem, I think we may have an entertaining season on our hands.

This week’s overused phrase: “I’m not mad at it.”

Up next: Overused word of the week: “Major.” And Makeovers!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 1: How Short Can You Go (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, IMDbPro, and Mathieu Young

It’s time for Teams! You know what that means: people aren’t going to get along. One of my favorite kinds of episodes.

As I continue to mourn the loss of out-of-the-box thinkers Malvin and Ari, the designers meet Heidi on the runway. She sends them on a field trip to the beach, and they’re insanely excited to go to there. I mean, insanely. There, they meet Tim Gunn in flip flops and surfer girls modeling surf fashion. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surf-wear look. A Garnier representative stands with Tim to pimp Garnier for a while – supposedly they’re showcasing hair this week as well (psssst! No, they’re not!), but I hope you’ll excuse me if I gloss over this built-in advertising segment.

Tim announces that the designers will work in teams of two. Shirin, as last week’s winner, will choose first. Tim then draws names out of a bag – these designers will be team leaders.

The teams: Shirin (Team Leader) & Carol Hannah, Logan (TL) & Christopher, Nicolas (TL) & Gordana, Mitchell (TL) & Ra’mon, Althea (TL) & Louise, Qristyl (TL) & Epperson, and Johnny (TL) & Irina. The teams meet with the surfer girls for creative advice, then head to Mood.

Mitchell interviews that he wanted a partner who could carry him for this challenge. Did Mitchell already check out when he gave this interview? Unless the editors refused to show him explaining, that’s an awful thing to throw out there.

Qristyl and Epperson clash early, as Epperson tries to take control of the partnership. They argue repeatedly, with Qristyl feeling as though Epperson doesn’t trust her ideas or construction. He believes the tension comes from their fear over one mistake leading to elimination. Their arguments involve talking in circles, not hearing each other, and refusal to accept blame. This part – not so much fun to watch.

Elsewhere, we spend far, far too much time with Ra’mon this week. He doesn’t like: that he’s forced to work with Mitchell, Mitchell’s ideas, Mitchell’s lack of leadership, and Mitchell’s lack of help. Every segment includes several “Poor Me” interviews courtesy of Ra’mon – please don’t make me recap them all.

Tim stops by towards the end of Day One to announce that the judges have added a twist: the designers must now create a second avant garde look that should tie into their original design. Ra’mon, obviously, freaks. It seemed a little simple that two designers were working on one outfit – which was essentially a bathing suit cover-up. Everyone freaks a little, but no one ends up derailed.

Tim Time. Tim loves Johnny and Irina’s macrame-tinged designs. He dislikes the transformative effect of Qristyl and Epperson’s dress and suit; therefore, they adjust the look into a non-transforming dress. Tim has a major issue with Ra’mon’s wetsuit-inspired avant garde jumpsuit, specifically because it does not relate to the surfer design. Ra’mon, naturally, worries even more. In a weird montage, Tim visits the other designers for thirty seconds and tells them all they’re doing a good job.

Ra’mon decides to scrap the jumpsuit (a good choice, though I admit to being curious about the final look), and starts work on a new dress. Understandably, he’s working under a lot of pressure and literally carrying Mitchell, who spends a lot of time joking and bouncing around. But … he’s a bit of a drama queen. He complains that this “is so not fair.” Since we’re all elementary school graduates here, I have to take issue with his view on the situation. Still, he pulls it all together himself without much creative input from the team leader and comes through with one interesting and one beautiful dress.

Qristyl worries that two people will go home and threatens to throw Epperson under the bus to save herself.

Runway! Guest judges Max Azria (in for Kors – where are you, Kors?) and Rachel Bilson.

Qristyl & Epperson: Okay dress, unattractive non-avant garde swimsuit. Johnny & Irina: Cute, cute skirt and top with macrame back, big brown mess with more macrame for their AG. Mitchell & Ra’mon: Beautiful surfer dress, acquired taste for AG dress. Shirin & Carol Hannah: A large piece of cloth for surfer look, beautiful blue AG dress. Althea & Louise: Eh surfer look, stunning gray dress. Nicolas & Gordana: Hand constructed bathing suit top, crazy sex weird AG look. Logan & Christopher: Not easy beachwear but great hat, gorgeous matching AG dress.

Safe: Logan & Christopher, Shirin & Carol Hannah, Althea & Louise. Which is crazy, because they all had the best AG dresses.

Judging. We break into the high scorers and low scorers this week, and in the winning bracket, it’s Johnny & Irina versus … Mitchell and Ra’mon! Ra’mon is shocked. Rachel Bilson loves Johnny and Irina’s casual surfer look, saying it’s her favorite and she’d wear it herself. Azria loves the details of the AG dress, even though Irina worried about the construction. Ra’mon takes the lead on explaining his and “Mitchell’s” designs until Heidi demands to hear from the team leader. Slowly, reluctantly, with great hesitation, Mitchell concedes that Ra’mon did nearly all of the work. Nina loves the neoprene fabric of the AG dress, and of the two, Rachel prefers that as well. I’d wear the surfer look, myself, but no one asked me.

In the losers bracket, it’s Qristyl & Epperson versus Nicolas & Gordana. Or should I say … Qristyl versus Epperson? Qristyl goes on the attack immediately, and we see a very quickly edited version of she and Epperson arguing, with Epperson fighting for his life while Qristyl talks over him, basically saying to the judges, “See what I had to deal with?” The judges like aspects of the surfer dress, but hate the swimsuit. Azria points out that “if you are not a team player, you cannot be a designer.” As for Nicolas, the judges take real issue with his AG look – it’s a little too over the top and sex pot for them.

Over deliberation, the same comments are rehashed, though Heidi does remark about the difficulty of judging Mitchell when he didn’t do any work.

Line the designers back up, and Ra’mon wins! Also safe are Johnny & Irina and Nicolas & Gordana, and Epperson. Between Mr. No-Work Mitchell and Ms. I’m-a-Weak-Leader Qristyl, it’s “Three Strikes and You’re Out” Mitchell going home this week. I’m really not sure how Mitchell made it on the show to begin with. He showed promise the first week, and then he seemed to deflate and stop working. If we can get Ra’mon out of here soon, I might not mind watching this snoozefest too much. When do things start to get exciting?

Next week: Is it the prom dress challenge again? And Smurfs!

For another take on this episode, check out Life’s a Beach by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 3: Rumble on the Runway (originally aired September 3, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro

We’re back! Still waiting for things to get interesting, but in the meantime…

Pre-Quickfire chatter: The women lost the men versus women bachelor/ette party challenge, and Jennifer’s unhappy about not making the top tier for the first time. Got 99 problems, Jennifer, and you are one. Mike I has a man crush on Mike V. Laurine feels intimidated by the formally trained young guns. Someone actually says, “Go big or go home.” And we go.

Quickfire. Create an “out of this world” dish featuring Potatoes. Guest judge, Mark Peel, and now I miss Top Chef Masters. Is that weird? I liked Mark, especially that voice.

Note: Jesse makes a sweet potato soup. Seems too easy. Mike I turns into a condescending ass by explaining that risotto isn’t rice, it’s a style of cooking. For the viewers out there, because we’re all idiots. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know that – it matters that his tone makes me want to see a kitchen accident involving Mike I and a hot stove. Preferably with visible flames. Ashley makes potato gnocchi by hand, assuming the risk of time management (which is why sweet potato soup seems far too easy). Preeti accidentally uses Ashley’s pot of water, and despite Preeti’s repeated apologies, Ashley throws a fit. Jennifer then interviews that she wouldn’t have been nearly as nice as Ashley. 99 problems, girl.

Mark Peel chooses Eli, Ron, and Jesse as his least favorites. Jennifer, Ash, and Ashley receive top marks. Mike I looks unhappy, and then Jennifer wins! Immunity but no money, the way the TC Gods originally intended. Mike I calls it favoritism. I imagine if he had won more than once, he’d chalk it up to his being awesome. No word on whether his issue with Jenn’s win is because she’s a girl or because it’s Jenn … again.

Elimination Challenge. Prepare a meal for 300 airmen at Nellis Air Force Base (the home of the Thunderbirds. Not these Thunderbirds). Ingredients and cooking dishes wait in hiding at the base. The chefs will work as one team to prepare the meal.

The chefs assemble at home and agree to pair up, with each pairing working on one dish. Jennifer, because of her immunity, will work the kitchen as Executive Chef. Mike I has taken control of this meeting, which sits wrong with me, but no one present seems to have an issue. Mike I then grabs Mike V as his partner, which disappoints both Mike V and Bryan as they had hoped to work together. I guess they like each other after all.

The next day, the chefs arrive on base to find canned food, no stove or pots, and limited cooking space. Chaos! I’m not sure exactly how the food will be cooked, but there’s woks and burners.

Laurine and Preeti, bonded by their San Francisco vicinity, team up to create a pasta salad. This covers the vegetarian option as well as utilizes the least amount of space in the crowded kitchen and minimizes the cooking time. They are flabbergasted, later noting that everyone else’s dishes come with “more bells and whistles.” Mike V takes control of the Mikes’ pork belly dish, leaving Mike I to deal with idle hands. He opts to make a Greek shrimp salad since there is no other salad on the menu. It’s the least he could do, right? He thinks he’s brilliant.

Jennifer prattles on about her experience as an Executive Chef and how she don’t take shit from no one. Like, ever. She makes Hector stop talking. She enforces time limits on the cooking equipment. She impresses Ash because she’s not as mild mannered as she seems. If you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward.

Hector prepares chili, a dish not so unusual in the hot and humid state of Texas, even on summer days. Jesse and Ron opt to make a clam chowder, and I wonder if Jesse knows how to make anything other than soup; she interviews that she would have made a gazpacho but there was no blender. As if there were no other meal options. Ron admits it’s a risk in the Las Vegas heat, but he won the Montauk Chowder Contest five times. Also note: Ron calls Mattin “Frenchie.”

Service. The airmen dine with their families. Colicchio likes Bryan and Mattin’s roasted beef loin. Laurine and Preeti’s pasta salad wasn’t flavored well and Gail calls it uninspired. The judges all enjoy Hector’s chili, and Padma wonders if Ron and Jesse’s chowder was a wise decision considering the heat. Colicchio has no issue with that or the chili, though Gail says the cream is too heavy for the weather. However, the diners seem to favor the chili and the chowder quite a bit. They should vote like the diners could on Masters! Kevin and Eli’s braised pork and potato salad earn high marks, with Eli’s potato salad especially impressing Mark Peel. The Mikes’ bacon/pork dish is “super mega-delicious,” per Gail, but their Greek shrimp salad contained undercooked shrimp. Ashley and Ash’s chocolate and peanut butter dessert was a little dense for Padma, a little dry for Mark, but overall delicious. Excuse me while I grab a Reese’s Peanut butter cup. The judges then comment that Jennifer seemed to corral the team well.

Judges’ Table. Mike V, Mike I, Kevin and Eli step out as the top four. Lots of compliments handed out, especially for Mike V and his pork – originally slabs of bacon, I think, that he turned into a delicious pork dish. Mike I confirms, under the illusion that the judges loved his salad, that he left Mike V to handle the pork alone, so he jumped on the shrimp dish. When Colicchio asks him if he was happy with the dish, he proves that he has never watched this show, because that question means: your dish sucked. But Mike I continues to walk into trouble, proudly talking about how it was refreshing and delicious and that’s how he rolls. Mark Peel announces Mike V as the winner. Mike V is  happy, but even happier when he realizes he and Bryan both have one Elimination Challenge win each. Sigh.

The losing bracket contains Preeti, Laurine, and …. Mike I. What the what? Awesome! He’s “frickin’ livid.” He was a winner five seconds ago! Colicchio notes that Mike I seems pissed, and he responds by ranting about how it was a team challenge and he wasn’t sure he wanted to serve the shrimp dish – yet can’t seem to address the criticisms about how it was undercooked and underseasoned. Colicchio barely contains his laughter.

Between Preeti and Laurine, neither admits to offering up the idea of pasta salad. Gail says their dish lacked creativity, and Preeti asks what was so creative about clam chowder on a 90 degree day? Tom says, “It was a better version of clam chowder than your version of pasta salad.” Awesome. Now Mark Peel tries to contain his laughter. And his astonishment because he can’t believe that Preeti believes they had one of the better flavored dishes.

Laurine admits she didn’t cook a winning dish, and that wasn’t her aim. Laurine and Preeti refuse to place blame or take credit, and barely blink when Padma asks if they should both go home. Laurine walks back into the Stew Room feeling good about the fact that neither woman gave each other up. Laurine deserves to go home for that right there. If you don’t like the rules of competition, don’t play.

Over deliberation, arguing ensues over who’s the bigger idiot: Preeti for not realizing her mistakes or Laurine for not “competing.” The judges remark about Mike I’s combative attitude and his lack of follow through on the shrimp salad.

Bring them back out, and Preeti is, in fact, the bigger idiot. She packs her knives and goes home, believing that the competition is stiffer this season. No, it isn’t, Preeti. No, it isn’t.

Next week: The loser of the Quickfire goes home! Here’s hoping it’s Mike I.!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 3: Thunderbirds (originally aired September 2, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

It’s Final Destination time, kids!

Let’s be clear at the start – the only reason to watch a Final Destination film is because you’re already a fan of these fun, ridiculous, zero plot movies (there’s not too much to recommend in this film, unless you’re already a fan).  If you’re looking for a great horror film with lots of suspense and scares, then this is not for you.  But if you’re into spectacle and over the top gore-fest, then come right this way.

The acting is more atrocious then ever, with Nick Zano as possibly the highest profile actor in the bunch (although Krista Allen has a pretty impressive IMDB lineup, assuming you recognize her).  Lord knows how Bobby Campo landed the lead role.  He walks through the movie reciting his lines, but you wouldn’t have known that any of his friends died – emotion must not have been required for the part.  There are too many plot holes to count, and there is absolutely nothing believable about the characters’ reactions, choices, or emotions.  But who cares?  The line readings are laughably funny (as opposed to genuinely funny) and only add to the experience.

Since The Final Destination movies never deviate from the basic plot, we know that everyone in the opening moments is in mortal danger (involved in some type of group catastrophe/tragedy) but will be saved only to die later in the film, one by one.  This time around, it’s a car crash at a Nascar-type racing event (and no, I will not make the requisite “dead rednecks are the best kinds of rednecks” joke, because then rednecks will start emailing me, too. People get so angry, don’t they?) where our boy Nick O’Bannon (Campo) saves his friends and a few other audience members (including, according to the credits: “Racist”).  Per usual, Nick and friends discover that Death is systematically killing off the survivors.  They, in turn, race to find a way to stop Death’s plan before they all end up his next victim.

And so begins (and ends) Chapter 4 of The Final Destination.

The deaths are inventive, fun, suitably gory, and in 3D!  The director, David R. Ellis, uses the 3D aspect well, flinging nails, fire, guts, car parts and champagne corks at his audience.  Early on the technique is a little distracting, when something flew at my face I actually blinked and therefore missed an early death.  So yes, it’s slightly overused, but possibly more effective than in other 3D movies of the past year (I’m thinking My Bloody Valentine, since Up didn’t see the need to send a tire crashing into Mr. Fredricksen’s head and therefore doesn’t qualify).

The creative death scenes are the only real reason to see the film.  Although it should be noted that this fictional town may not have been visited by a vengeful Death at all.  The OSHA violations outnumber the deaths from all four FD movies combined – between the dilapidated buildings and the construction sites, this movie is what happens when people take shortcuts and don’t keep up on repairs.  Nearly all the deaths involved faulty construction.

The opening credits contain a nice montage of deaths from the earlier movies, and the nods to previous films (specifically Flight 180) are sprinkled throughout.  I found myself flinching and cringing more than once, and having just as good a time here as I did watching G.I. Joe, and probably for the same reasons.  If you know what you’re walking into, you can have a grand ol’ time no matter how bad the story.  If you’re not a fan of the previous installments, stay away.  However, if you are (and I know you’re out there), pay a little extra for the 3D glasses.  Thank me later!

This is it, kids! The moment we’ve all been waiting for: my last review of Rescue Me. Don’t pretend you’re not as excited as I am.

And so! Sheila rallies Janet into confronting Kelly in an effort to discourage “the interloper” from seeing Tommy again. Janet doesn’t consider Maura Tierney a threat (having never watched her hilarity on News Radio. Suck on that awesomeness, ladies.), because she just served Tommy with divorce papers. Therefore neither is Sheila a threat, so booyah! However, Damien snitched to Sheila about Kelly’s dead baby, and that grief connection convinces Janet, as it did Sheila, into taking action.

In the best scene of the season, Janet and Sheila (led hilariously by Sheila), show up at Kelly’s house for The Talk. Kelly refuses to be intimidated, and when Sheila realizes she’s losing ground, she takes a shot at Kelly through her lost daughter. Booyah times two! The shot hits home, but even Janet’s disgusted – leading to a shoving match between Tommy’s two loves outside of Kelly’s apartment. Janet ends up on the ground, Sheila beats an innocent bystander, and Kelly watches from the safety of her doorway as two insane women battle over a troubled alcoholic with very few redeeming qualities. They’re so lucky!

Although Kelly doesn’t think so. She’s not interested in joining the same crazy train that Sheila and Janet are on and is through with Tommy, telling him as much when he stops by later. In my Rescue Me fantasy, she keeps her word and Maura Tierney leaves the show on a high note, before turning into another shrew who throws herself at firemen to fulfill their fantasies. Moving on!

Tommy then heads on over to Sheila’s, handcuffs her to the bed, and burns her crazy pills in retribution for the “inconvenience” she’s caused in his life over Kelly. I suppose he couldn’t just break up with her. Doesn’t make good television, does it? She’ll have the hassle of lying to four different doctors to replace the pills and have to deal with the withdrawal. Seems fair. Then he tosses some lit matches at her, tells her not to mess in his personal life again, and sticks the keys to the handcuffs down her corset before walking out. This is especially cruel considering there’s only one other person who would find her to grab the key and release her.

And no, cynics – I would not call this sexism, especially as Sheila pulled the same nonsense on Tommy. If anything, it’s slightly disturbing, and even more disturbing that this is someone Sheila’s been throwing herself at all season. Really, Sheila? Really? For that matter … really, Janet? They must connect with Tommy on a deeper level that I missed somewhere. What with all the subtext on this show.

Then Tommy stops by Janet’s to pick up Katy for some bonding time with him and Colleen. Katy points out that technically he’s kidnapping her, but he takes her anyway. Katy makes inappropriate comments regarding Emmy nominee Dwight and Benadryl-drugged babies, then they’re off.

Now, finally, the cliffhanger: Ellie died in last week’s crash and Teddy’s been sober ever since. Teddy accepts full blame for the accident, as Ellie only returned to the wonderful world of Alcoholism because he did. He also kept handing her drinks that night, so it’s all on him.

Although … he arrives at the bar a few nights later after closing time, where Tommy serves the crew (sans Damien) as well as Mickey and Eddie. He starts out jovial, then pulls out a gun and forces Tommy to drink several shots of whiskey. The guys mostly stare in shock – Mickey’s attempts to talk sense into Teddy fail. When Tommy refuses to shoot and kill the mourning Teddy (at Teddy’s request), he shoots Tommy twice in the chest/upper body. He pulls out a second gun and declares that drinking time is over. Everyone grab a glass of ginger ale and let’s watch Tommy bleed to death!

You see, Teddy blames Tommy after all, and has taken Karma into his own hands. Everyone around Tommy dies, while Tommy the Asshole lives on every day. Time for retribution. Which isn’t really Karma, but for some reason, I’m not surprised that Teddy’s confused the definitions.

We close the season out with Jimmy telling Tommy that it all looks different from the Other Side. Janet freaks because she can’t find Katy, and a shocked Damien finds his crying, mortified mother chained to the bed. Tommy lies on the bar floor, bleeding and barely conscious. Cut back to my Rescue Me fantasy, where Tommy dies and Karma wins.

And that’s it! Another season in the can. I know it’s not trendy to dislike Rescue Me, with its brazen use of curse words and discussions about empathy boners, constipation issues, and how to discover whether a woman walks around shaved or not (short answer: Tommy always wins). I know come award time, everyone talks about Emmy snubs because Denis Leary playing Denis Leary is so groundbreaking.

It’s easier to love the show (which I’m starting to think is a little overrated, considering the fanaticism), but though there are elements of the series that I do like (and that includes Leary), I think it’s only fair to point out where the show fails. Rescue Me had many opportunities this season to push the envelope and just fell short. There have been great moments on the show, with its humor and its heartbreak. However, those moments didn’t come often enough. Characters failed to evolve (with consistency) and in general, lacked some development. This isn’t a problem unique to Rescue Me (see: nearly everyone on Lost). Sometimes, that can be overlooked, and sometimes, it really can’t – week after week of watching Janet and Sheila throw themselves at Tommy? When he doesn’t cave in to their wishes, they either throw sex at him or turn into shrews? What about Franco and Carla? What was the point of that entire sequence – an opportunity to make a bunch of lesbian jokes? Callie Thorne can act her ass off, but that doesn’t change the issues with the writing.

I’ve also had issue with the pacing, and possibly the slow nature and lack of plot development comes from an extended season. It would have been nice to see more consequence to the Franco and Carla situation, as well as a deeper look at Garrity’s cancer and the lack of insurance for 9/11 vets. The Gavin family turnaround on drinking came out of left field, though it conveniently set up the season ending.

The finale alone was entertaining – the season itself a disappointment. An anti-hero is fine, but no story is interesting without a little progress. Every week, we think Tommy’s made some, and then that progress is dropped the following week. Or maybe, again, I’m just reading too much into the performances and the writing. Maybe Katy asking Tommy if he’s an alcoholic didn’t really cause him to feel ashamed, as that scene seemed to display. Maybe Tommy finding out that Jimmy wasn’t a saint didn’t affect him as profoundly as I thought it did – he was just concerned that it wasn’t Janet that Jimmy slept with. Maybe Sean Garrity’s cancer or the visit with the sick kids at the hospital didn’t affect our anti-hero so deeply. I accept full blame for high expectations.

So color me un-trendy, America. I’ll stick to shows like Friday Night Lights, where female characters can be sexy while also possessing a personality and some intelligence and actions have consequences that last more than one episode. I came to both series late, but FNL, for its faults (looking at you, Jason Street!), still mastered storytelling and character development, giving you reason to invest in the characters.

And with that, I’ll close out my time on Rescue Me with my fantasy version of the show playing in my head, complete with full plot development and well-rounded characters. Thanks for letting me voice my different opinion of the show. Peace!

For another take on this episode, check out Going Out With A Bang: The Rescue Me Season Finale by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 22: Drink (originally aired September 1, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

I want a t-shirt with “I appreciate that.” ABDC’s judges have taken that sometimes-kind-of-a-compliment statement to a whole new level.

But we’ll get to that. First, it’s mid-season review time of my favorite dance competition, where we make our predictions for the final two and rant and rave about the crews, the dances, the eliminations so far, and everything else season 4.

Let me start by summing up how I feel about Season 4, following a great battle in Season 3 between Quest Crew and Beat Freaks: WTF Randy Jackson? It’s Season 2 all over again. And for those who may have forgotten, Season 2 was awful. Yes, Fanny Pak came to us out of all the other forgettable crews that year, but ABDC’s sophomore season was a huge disappointment with the level of talent.

Now, here we go again. Much like Season 2, the crews, though they can all outdance me just by keeping rhythm, lack the style, technique, and skill of crews from seasons 1 and 3. Whereas crews like The Jabbawockeez, Status Quo, Quest Crew, and Beat Freaks bring a polish to their amateur moves, the crews this season lack that clean style. I’ve been to an ABDC audition, and I know there are some incredible crews with talent that deserve a spotlight such as this. I also know there are some crews out there just looking to get on TV, or crews who, with a few more months or years of practice will blow us away. Season 4 comes from the latter group. In casting’s decision to bring a more varied range of crews to the competition, they’ve forgone a lot of their other requirements and brought crews who probably shouldn’t be here.

If you’re a fan of previous seasons, you know what I’m talking about. Some crews seem to have been cast based on skill (Rhythm City, Massive Monkees, Fr3sh), others seem to have been cast merely for variety, regardless of talent (Beat Ya Feet Kings, Southern Movement, Vogue Evolution). For those of us who watch this show for the power and entertainment of dance, we’ve been disappointed this time around. The performances are ordinary and the dancers visibly scrambling to step up and understand what choreography means. Which results in disappointing television.

However. Though I’m disappointed in the casting choices and the general direction of Season 4 (I almost don’t care who wins, at this point), I will admit that I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Vogue Evolution, whose inclusion originally seemed like a stunt, has performed a few great numbers, even though Leiomy has only one real move (some turning and then flopping to the ground with one knee bent) and the crew’s repertoire is very limited. Nevertheless, as Lil Mama has called them, they are entertainers, and they have put together some visually fun numbers. We’ve had to listen to one too many stories of Leiomy as “the face of transgender,” but when the time comes, the group delivers.

Artistry in Motion, this year’s all girl group, turned out not to be another group of former basketball dancers or cheerleaders, but joined the show as a group of women with different body types looking for the opportunity to show their stuff to a new audience. Another “group with a message.” It was nice before MTV turned this into another one of their reality shows. Again: However. Artistry in Motion also took me and my cynical assumptions aside, gave us a scolding, and performed their own share of creative, entertaining numbers. In fact, they should have stuck around a lot longer, as their creativity was dismissed too early. They brought a different sensibility to the show.

On the other end of the spectrum, crews like Beat Ya Feet Kings stayed way too long – I don’t know what their sloppy dance-kick-stomping moves were supposed to represent, but they tried too hard and the Irish tapping/stomping thing felt forced.

Which brings us to our remaining crews: AfroBorike, Rhythm City, Massive Monkees, We Are Heroes, and Vogue Evolution. I think it’s great that Rhythm City, whose audition I watched last year (along with Fr3sh, both of whom I thought deserved a spot on the show) has made it so far, though their women seem a weak point for them in terms of skill and intensity. Vogue Evolution, as I mentioned, continues to surprise me, though Leiomy’s diva moments may bring down the team. (MTV lives for that shit, if this week’s pre-performance package means anything. Leiomy looked pissed getting lectured by the judges!). We are Heroes, this season’s Beat Freaks, are generally just as talented and creative, but seem to lack star quality. Possibly, they’re getting lost in the Very Special Stories of other crews.

AfroBorike also surprised me. They rely on pairs dancing to highlight their Latin-American roots and dance style, and I thought for sure this was another stunt casting. However, a third time. They’ve rocked each of the challenges and pulled off moves that make all the “It’s so hard!” drama of So You Think You Can Dance contestants sound like whining from beginners. Don’t make me turn into Mary over here, because I will scream at the TV (yes, I will!). Finally, Massive Monkees, another traditional dance crew for ABDC (along with Rhythm City) would have shined last year, but they’re just a little too sloppy and a little less creative, and therefore, aren’t standing out among all the other crews.

As for the challenges themselves, we’ve watched the crews tackle Beyonce, Karate, and Bollywood. The challenges have been great, with the best performances so far coming in the Bollywood challenge. And before Nigel Lythgoe gets up in here proclaiming that SYTYCD changed television with their inclusion of Bollywood and blah blah blah, ABDC took the time to explain the various kinds of Bollywood dance, and I learned more in that episode than I did in a year of SYTYCD (yes, I did!). There’s at least six different kinds of Bollywood! The crews then needed to fuse the different style of dance with their own, and the result was some creative, entertaining performances – some of the best we’ve had on the show ever. At least, for this season.

The judges are on their game, with none of the weird tension that started off Season 3, though Lil Mama’s early favoring of Vogue Evolution was hard to watch. Shane Sparks seemed a little dazed at the end of last season, but he’s back as well, finally calling all the crews out during the third episode for their immense suckage. I haven’t agreed with all of their elimination choices – or rather, the order in which crews were eliminated. I’d prefer Fr3sh were still around, and Beat Ya Feet Kings should have left long ago, but otherwise, the five remaining crews provided a great show last week, so I won’t complain too much.

Though I think it’s necessary to point out the judges’ over-used phrase “I really appreciate that.” It’s like – “I appreciate that you tried to follow our instructions and do well. You didn’t, but I appreciate that you tried.” Although sometimes, the phrase has the connotation, “If I say ‘I liked it,’ I’d show too much favoritism like Lil Mama, and I don’t want to sound like Paula Abdul (you look so beautiful up there!), so I appreciate how awesome you guys were.” I think we should retire the phrase altogether, or at least start a drinking game around it.

My prediction for the final two? I’m not sure I can guess, since the judges and I are so not connecting this time around. I’d like to see AfroBorike and Massive Monkees, though if We Are Heroes steps up, they could be a strong contender. I have a feeling Vogue Evolution will be top 3 unless they implode first.

And so, a disappointing season thus far. Hopefully, following last week’s surprisingly awesome Bollywood challenge, the crews will continue to raise their game and fight to win (sorry for the clichés – just call me another judge). Though we could still end the season with some great performances, we’re nowhere near the level of Quest Crew or Jabbawockeez. I’ll still be watching though, every week, and still wishing I could do half (or a quarter) of the things these dancers can do.

Just please, crews, aim to entertain. I Really Appreciate That.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on America’s Best Dance Crew, click here.

Sundays at 9pm ET/PT on MTV

Photographs courtesy of MTV

So here’s the problem with this season. While we seem to have some really talented designers, we don’t seem to have a lot of interesting personalities. I thought maybe the first episode had too many introductions and not enough time for people to stand out, but then I watched the second episode, and I realize that these people, while probably fun to know individually, don’t make great television. For now. Possibly as the numbers dwindle and the competition becomes more, dare I say, “fierce,” personalities will start to show themselves.

And with that, welcome to Episode 2, wherein the challenge and the designs are much more exciting than the people we watch on television. Let’s begin!

On the runway, Heidi introduces a very pregnant Rebecca Romijn, this week’s subject du jour. The designers must create a maternity look for any occasion or event. Rebecca explains that she wants fashionable clothes that emphasize shape. Tim will decipher this as “form-fitting.” Everyone laughs while thinking “Maternity? Isn’t that just another excuse to design for large people? I’m not in my comfort zone! Freak!” We later learn that Mitchell previously designed commercial maternity wear. So, presumably, advantage to Mitchell.

Back at FIDM (pronounced phonetically, please), the designers have 30 minutes to sketch and $100 to spend at Mood. This is where the boring starts, because there’s a lot of “I’ve never done this before” and “Pregnant people? What?” Ra’mon (roll the “R,” while you’re at it) begins a series of interviews about how everyone else is draping and he’s an iconoclast for doing something different. He makes a dress of mostly purple, and you’re not so groundbreaking when Purple is this season’s Navy and everyone’s using and wearing the color. He wants a three dimensional, slimming look, and designs a dress with panels of purples and light grey. Mitchell tells him that the belly looks like a bowling ball. Ra’mon worries, and Mitchell fake says “no, I didn’t mean it like that.” Ra’mon begins to have doubts.

But not so many doubts to question his place as a frontrunner.

Christopher thinks he’s nailed a top spot again, but doesn’t worry because he has Immunity. Mitchell’s goal is to land somewhere safely in the middle to make up for last week’s debacle.  Shirin (who talks to herself when shopping for fabric) plans to stand apart by making both a simple dress and a coat. Malvin likes that his design is different, risky, and conceptual.

Tim Time. He loves Althea’s dress and recommends that she embrace how formal she’s making it. Louise’s red silk is looking a little lingerie. Tim encourages Mitchell’s attempt to fully clothe his model this time around. Shirin makes a beautiful draped dress with handwork at the waist. He loves the idea of the coat but warns her that the wrong design will send her home. Malvin’s fertility outfit worries Tim, because of the feathering, egg shape of the belly, and the “chicken thigh” design of the pants. Tim warns Ra’mon that he may be emphasizing the pregnant belly too much with his paneling.

After the final model fitting, the cups of Althea’s dress don’t fit her model perfectly, and Mitchell runs into a problem stitching and gathering the maternity shorts. Almost as if…he’s never designed maternity wear before?

Runway! Guest judges Monique Lhuillier in for Michael Kors, and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi warns all the designers that each of the women have been pregnant, so look out!

Logan: Simple, clean. Shirin: Gorgeous dress and coat. Nicolas: Simple, chic. Christopher: Safe, simple, cute, but could buy it now.  Mitchell: Awesome in concept. But…  Qristyl: Eh. Okay. Epperson: Unflattering “jacket” with pantsuit. That’s right: A pantsuit. Louise: Pretty, a little too much lace. Gordana: Meh. But love the model’s hair. Johnny: Boring! Malvin: The photos make it look worse. A baby bump sling! Ra’mon: Well, it is different. Carol Hannah: loves her own ugly jacket, mostly cute dress. Althea: Beautiful floor length dress, indecent pregnant boob exposure. Irina: Cute day dress.

Safe: Johnny, Qristyl, Logan, Nicolas, Christopher, Epperson, Carol Hannah, Irina, Gordana.

Judges. Monique says that Ra’mon’s dress is too busy and the construction sloppy, and all the women comment that the color blocking over-emphasizes the baby bump. So, not so much a frontrunner, but he takes the news well. Louise’s pleated lingerie and silk slip score points for their adjustable qualities, and Rebecca likes the dress, even though it’s almost too lingerie. Date night! Althea’s evening dress accentuates the back in a flattering, slimming way, and Monique loves the color. However, the cups need to be larger, because the belly ain’t the only thing growing on a pregnant woman. The women all agree that it is a beautiful dress. Malvin explains his Mother Hen-themed ensemble. Nina likes the black feathers, but doesn’t like the sling effect of the overall design. Heidi likes the idea of Mitchell’s urban look, but thinks, “Wow. How difficult is it to make a pair of shorts?” Nina calls the model a mess. Rebecca likes the idea but not the execution, and Heidi reminds him that just because the judges are seated away from the runway, doesn’t mean that they don’t have good eyes. Mitchell clearly thought he was in the top here, but his construction (no one mentions his previous experience) dooms him. Shirin’s dress receives accolades from all the ladies, and Monique tells her to get into the maternity business immediately. Nina is also impressed, and that is an amazing feat right there.

Deliberation goes much the same way, with Rebecca also calling Ra’mon’s dress reminiscent of a bowling ball. Line the designers back up and Louise and Ra’mon are safe. Between Althea and Shirin, Shirin wins! This week, we’re all in agreement, so well done, judges! However, between Mitchell and Malvin, it’s Malvin for the loss. What? Mitchell’s construction was awful, but at least Crazy Malvin had vision. I am far more interested to see what he would come up with than what Mitchell can’t pull off in the coming weeks. This is two weeks in a row Mitchell didn’t send out a polished product. He probably should have went home last week, and this week the mistake is even more glaring.

Which puts two of the most interesting designers out of the running. While I think we have great talent this season, I have to agree a little with Ra’mon that there’s a lot of the same “concepts” among the group. Ari and her headstands and Malvin with his ethereal voice at least looked at the challenges differently than the other designers. Both people would have driven me nuts, but at least we’d have some variety.

Next week: Teams of two and someone doesn’t know how to sew!

For another take on this episode, check out When You’re Good to Momma by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 2: We Expect Fashion (originally aired August 27, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

This week on Top Chef – It’s a wedding-themed challenge, which hopefully replaces the wedding challenge entirely. Although, with Elvis-included chapel opportunities, who knows?

Quickfire. In the kitchen, Padma, guest judge Todd English, and a craps table greet the chefs. The winner of the Quickfire wins another $15,000, but I ignore this when I hear the challenge. Each chef will roll the die, and whatever number comes up is the number of ingredients required for their respective Quickfire dishes.

A great idea, though those who roll a three (Laurine) and anything above eight (Jessie, Jennifer, Eve, Kevin, Michael V, Ashley, Bryan) aren’t as thrilled as I am. Chatter, chatter, cook, and Todd Does a Tasting. His least favorites are Jessie (who realizes too late that she grabbed the wrong pan), Bryan, and Eve. He chooses Jennifer, Michael V, and Kevin as the top dishes, with Michael winning the cash prize and immunity.

Elimination Challenge. Create an array of appetizers to pair with shots for a bachelor and bachelorette party. Drunken screaming – woo hoo!  That’s just me, not the chefs. Most look less than thrilled. But that’s not all! It will be men versus women, because we’re as antiquated as The Apprentice here. The men will cook for the Bachelorette party, and the women for the Bachelor party. Allow me to kill some suspense: the “party” is a bunch of people hanging out by and in the pool, eating Top Chef food with a selection of three shots. So this must be the “pre-party” they’re cooking for, because no one goes to Vegas for half a meal by the pool. For the shots, yes, but come on now. We do not learn the fate of the couple the next morning, or how many people woke up saying, “What have I done?” Insert “Who” where you will.

Ashley, as a gay woman, is immediately offended by the challenge because of gay marriage laws being what they are. She will cook and participate and try her hardest, but she’s not pleased, and finds it “beyond comprehension” that TC would have such a challenge with at least three gay participants in the cast. Even though, she claims, she knew this challenge was coming, in Vegas of all places. I don’t wish to be unsympathetic, but try to look at it not as a wedding celebration (which it isn’t) and more like a party with a bunch of people looking to get drunk and misbehave. Can I express how low expectations for a party like this should be in a place like Vegas?

Also offended: Jennifer, but mainly because she has to work with the women, who are clearly the weaker group here. Men versus women? Gender is irrelevant in the world of Chefdom! Robin, however, seems excited to bond with the other ladies, especially because the culinary world suffers from male domination. So, you take the good, you take the bad…

Back to the food! The shots: Moscow Mule. Tequila. And the Golden Delicious – or as Ash describes it: “sweet, gooey, and disgusting.” Each team must prepare two dishes to pair with each shot. Laurine thinks the women’s choice of more familiar food will win the challenge over the men, who she thinks will go too exotic. She calls their menu “contrived.” Sigh. I hate men versus women challenges on any show, because the women almost always lose, and here I sit, feeling silly on behalf of my whole gender.

Brothers Bryan V and Michael V contend that their only goal is to beat each other, for the same competitive reasons that I’m growing tired of hearing about. Ashley says that the men are using ingredients that most of the women have never even heard of, and a win would be a good confidence booster. She decides that since she has time, she’ll make a second dish. Jennifer advises against it.

Service. The women’s plates undergo review first, and the judges take into account not just the taste of the dish, but how well they pair with the shots. Eve’s ceviche remains as unbalanced as her dish last week, and the judges dislike it across the board. They also disliked Ashley’s bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta (bitter and not completely set); Preeti’s Coriander & Sesame crusted tuna (pedestrian and over-cured); and Jesse’s Thai chicken lettuce cup – despite its popularity with the guests.

Jennifer’s octopus ceviche (what the what?) lands among their favorites, as does Ashley’s watermelon carpaccio and Laurine’s lamb chop.

Over with the men, the brothers receive the most compliments – Michael’s apple sorbet & goat cheese cookie (“ridiculous,” as in good) and Bryan’s sweet and sour macaroons (great, with extra points for difficulty) wow the judges. Also favorites are Eli’s tuna tartare (great acid with excellent seasoning), Hector’s tofu lemon-lime ceviche (interesting with nice flavors that highlight tofu), and Ash’s chicken wings.

Among their least favorites were Mike I’s arctic char (doesn’t work with the tequila, flat) and Ron’s lobster cocktail (no flavor, despite the guests’ compliments).

Judges’ Table. The men win! Shocker. Hector, Michael V, Bryan and Kevin receive their share of compliments, but the win ultimately goes to Bryan. And he’s just happy to have bested his brother, which is what this show is all about.

That, and the losers. Representin’ the Ladies: Preeti, Jesse (again), Eve, and Ashley. Ashley takes plenty of heat for making two dishes, because one was great, but the panna cotta was awful. Jesse again knows what she did wrong, having added ginger beer (but not real ginger) and lacking a strong direction. Preeti’s lack of knowledge about her ingredients and food choices disappoints Tom especially, but Eve takes the hit – she looks lost and confused, and her failure to fix her dish knowing that it wasn’t cooked well dooms her back to the kitchen … to pack her knives and go.

Okay, so I have to admit that I watched a season (and a half) of Hell’s Kitchen before my Top Chef days really kicked in. There’s a world of difference between those chefs and these chefs – it’s almost laughable how advanced TC’s contestants are over Ramsay’s. My problem is that the women of this season remind me of the contestants on that show. Jennifer seems to be the only one with any real talent (unless Robin or Ashley step up and surprise us) which is disheartening. The men, however, seem to possess the talent, skills, and confidence that the women lack. The men versus women aspect of this week only seemed to highlight that more. Let’s not do this again, okay?

Otherwise, the Quickfire and the Elimination were both good challenges, and if we can keep up that level of competition, it doesn’t matter who wins.

Next week: Jennifer takes control and the Air Force. Go America!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 2: Bachelor/Ette Party (originally aired August 26, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Trae Patton

With Rescue Me finally and painfully winding down, it’s closure and surprise time.

And so! Franco’s a boxer – remember? It’s Fight Night: Puerto Rican Pillow Lips versus stunt opponent, The Lesbian (no, it’s not Carla, and that’s why this fight is a hundred times less interesting than it could have been). Franco’s new doubts result in a disappointing fight; the crowd becomes disruptive and a large bar fight breaks out. The crew books it out of there, the match stops, and Franco decides right then that he’s over being a boxer. And…scene.

Over in the world of Apache Stone, Mike and the band play for Kelly’s record exec friend (under the new band name, The DBs. Guess what the initials stand for?). Mike has some performance issues to work out, such as crowd interaction and basic motor skills. The exec loves the band but hates Mike, and offers to sign the other members. Damien declines, since he joined the band to get women (he uses another word), and his job as fireman is bringing in all the “women” he can handle. The rest of the band, however, signs up with the exec, and Mike is now bandless, and, presumably next week, hairless. Good-bye Apache Stone!

Now to Kelly (Maura Tierney), who decides to rescind her part-time lover offer from last week. She ditches Tommy entirely in favor of Damien. Angry Tommy shows up at her apartment, they make out a little, she tries to kick him out, and Tommy refuses to leave until he finds out what’s in the silver case. She doesn’t open it for us to see, but pulls out a baby picture. She explains that her daughter died when she was an infant from a heart defect. Well, now we can guess where her attitude comes from. Tommy shares the story of Connor’s death, but Kelly doesn’t want to hear it. However, in a nice moment, Tommy refuses to leave until she relents and allows him to stay. Whether they like it or not, they’re partners in an exclusive club.

A failed Ponzi schemer attempts suicide by jumping off of a bridge, and with the negotiator running late, our crew steps in. Black Shawn has more than five lines this week as he volunteers to make contact. Tommy and Franco back him up, and though Shawn makes some progress, he offers his coat to the jumper and the man falls off the bridge and dies. Naturally, the team is crushed, Shawn in particular.

Tommy returns home later to hear Colleen hysterically crying and finds Black Shawn on the balcony, drinking. They share a father/son moment (at least, that’s how Shawn takes it) when Shawn yells at Tommy for upsetting Colleen – Tommy dealt with death and mayhem through the years by turning to the bottle and a skirt; Colleen naturally thinks that Shawn will do the same. Tommy convinces Shawn to man up, break the cycle and go inside and console Colleen in the way that Tommy never did. And Shawn does. It was slightly more interesting than what I just wrote, because I nearly just put myself to sleep recapping that.

As for Lou, he rents a fancy new apartment and blows up online shopping carts everywhere as he spends Candy’s money. Ahem, their money. He also learns she’s wanted in Florida for conning a man out of $250,000 – the same amount of money she “inherited” from her uncle. Who, in fact, is not dead. When Candy arrives at his new place, Lou informs her that the cops are on their way, and if she’s innocent, she should stay. She leaves him, with a stern warning that he doesn’t know what he’s done.

Finally, in what may have an impact on someone on this show – and by impact, I mean that the ramifications would be felt long after ONE FRIGGIN’ EPISODE … we close the night at the bar, with Tommy serving drinks to his family of Born Again Alcoholics. By now, they’re all pretty drunk, per usual, and Ellie leaves … to pick up her dog. I couldn’t tell if that was code or for real (it’s nearly midnight, for pete’s sake). We cut back and forth between the drunk Gavins and firemen, and Ellie drunkenly driving. Do alcoholics care when a family member dies because of a drunk driver? Apparently not. She drunkenly calls Teddy, who doesn’t pick up because he’s laughing and drinking, and then Ellie runs a red light. A large Mack truck plows into her. Cut to black.

Oh, and for anyone taking notes, Garrity’s balls are pink, and his penis is teal. There was a bleaching agent involved.

One episode left. Good night, Everybody!

Next week: Janet, Sheila, Ellie, blah blah blah, and I retire.

For another take on this episode, check out Fighting, Jumping, Drinking and Sour Candy by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 21: Jump (Originally aired August 25, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Oh, welcome back, kids! It’s time, finally, for another season of Project Runway. And though this first episode, in a new city and with a very special guest, won’t blow our minds with Awesomeness, how great is it to have our show back? No, I’m not a fan of these new work rooms, but I’ll deal with it. Same thing with the really weird close ups during judging (who’s running the camera there? The same guy doing Kelly Choi’s voiceovers? Oh no, wait! No more Bravo!). I’m willing to take the good with the bad, because Project Runway is just a ridiculous good time.

And so, sixteen new designers, one of whom will go home today. No one more surprised than me that almost everyone seems to have talent.  Here we go:

Ra’mon, 30, who chose fashion over completing his degree to become a neurosurgeon. I feel there’s more to this story than we’re very casually told.

Logan, 25, a model-esque and pretty “guy’s guy.” He says. Very handsy.

Jonny, 29, a recovered crystal meth addict who tried out for PR three times.

Gordana, 44, from the former Yugoslavia, representing girls with big dreams who have to start with small steps. Holla, y’all.

Qristyl, 41, the big Question mark. She comes off like a mom who’s kind of dabbling, and her previous designs (based on what we’re shown) do not look attractive. But she designs for all shapes, sizes, and colors. So maybe (hopefully) there’s more to her.

Shirin, 23, whose name means “sweet” in Farsi, in case you needed to know. She’s super adorable and designs Transformer clothes -  as in clothes that transform from one thing to another.

Nicholas, 26, the Feather Prince from New York City. I don’t think I need to elaborate, but he name drops a bit.

Mitchell, 25, knows what a woman likes, what fits a woman, and what sells. Glad to see everyone’s egos are under control already.

Christopher, 29, from Minnesota. He never had the opportunity to go to design school. He shall repeat this many times, so do not forget.

Ari, 25, who also works with transformative clothing. She’s dressed normally when she arrives, but that changes the next day.

Althea, 23, (what’s with all the young’uns?) who has interning experience and looks like a Barbie doll. I know that’s not her fault, but nor should she brag about being an intern.

Irina, 26, also super cute. She owns a poodle. It’s not my fault, that’s what they’re showing me here.

Carol Hannah, 23, who goes by both names, dresses people who are woodland fairies and go to galas.

Epperson, 49, a family man who has a history of dressing windows, but he’s now pursuing his fashion.

Louise, 31, our new vintage queen. Hopefully less annoying than Kenley.

Malvin, 23, has an androgynous look and androgynous tastes. He looks a little like Orlando Bloom and talks in a very sing-songy, floaty voice. All the time. Seriously.

There’s the necessary cocktails to kick things off, and the next day, Tim (we’ve missed you, Tim!) meets the gang at the red carpet of the Emmys, set to kick off in a few hours. The challenge: to create an innovative red carpet look. The outfit can apply to any red carpet event, from the Oscars to the VMAs. They have $200 and two days to work. Jonny insists he will push himself to the limit.

This season’s Parsons: FIDM.

Malvin doesn’t watch these events and doesn’t “differentiate between different colored carpets.” Oh brother. Ari, in her multicolored cowled bodysuit and shorts, does not sketch. She does, however, meditate and do handstands. I have no issue with anyone’s creative process, but she wasn’t kooky yesterday when she arrived. Cameras sure do seem to bring out the best in people, don’t they? Mitchell insists that the greater the pressure, the happier he is, and he’ll produce something beautiful. Remember that.

Ra’mon says that having someone walk down the red carpet in one of his dresses is a lifelong dream … except, I guess, when he was planning to be a neurosurgeon. Jonny starts questioning his original design and falls back on his addiction mentality the more and more flustered he becomes. He doesn’t seem to be playing drama queen with his history, but maybe this kind of situation isn’t the best, with all this pressure, for someone recovering from such a heavy drug. He has a mental collapse, basically. Althea smiles her way through an interview that she hopes he can deal with his stress and pull through. I don’t think she’s being catty – I think she can’t help but smile (see: Barbie). Jonny considers leaving the show.

Let me spare you the tears I had to watch: the drugs become an excuse, Jonny cries, Tim talks him into staying, and Jonny eventually returns to the room to “make it work.” I don’t mean to belittle what is possibly a very serious struggle – but I don’t want to watch this every week either. If you’re not ready to be in heavy competition like this, don’t be here.

Mitchell found his love of fashion by watching red carpet events, so you’d think he’d have the design part of this challenge down. Malvin claims that there’s no vocabulary to describe the work that he does. Words like “dress,” and “colorful” and “polished,” presumably, will not apply to him. Christopher laments that he doesn’t know the terms and technical aspects of design since he never went to school, but who needs that?

Tim Time. Christopher’s young, funky dress is polished and sophisticated, but potentially “cruise line cocktail waitress.” Tim fears Ari’s dress will “look like a halter diaper.” Oh, Tim. Mitchell creates a sheer, slightly colorful Victorian dress that shows zero skin. I’d love to know who he thinks would wear this dress. While the construction looks good, Tim worries about how dated the piece is. Qristyl’s dress leaves Tim somewhat speechless.

The models arrive, and Mitchell’s model doesn’t match the sizes and specifications he originally received. He worries, and throws something together the day of the show. Basically, a sheer caftan with a Victorian collar.

Runway! Guest judge…Lindsay Lohan! Don’t think less of me for liking her. She was awesome in The Parent Trap. And she’s actually very good here!

Althea: Pretty, simple. Gordana: light blue mini, very cute. Malvin: Is that linen? Wait, we can’t use vocabulary like “linen” or “tan” to describe his work, right? Mitchell: AWFUL. Louise: Simple, pretty, shiny. Christopher: Cute, modern, very the-stars-of-High-School-Musical on the red carpet. Is that a real category? Ra’mon: Navy, beautiful, been done before. On this show. Shirin: Cute, a little conservative. Epperson: Violet, slightly couture, classy. Irina: Pale, light, pretty. Ari: Cool and modern. Not red carpet. Jonny: Almost sexy, lack of shape. Carol Hannah: Couture. Qristyl: A purple and floral piece of WTF? Logan: Two-tone gray, very simple, done before. Nicolas: Simple black dress.

Safe: Shirin, Epperson, Gordana, Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Nicholas, Irina, Malvin, and Louise.

Judges. First, let me say I don’t agree with most of the judges’ choices. Gordana and Irina should have made the top three. Their construction alone deserved more notice, but hopefully, this means good things to come from them.

Qristyl thinks that Lindsay Lohan would wear her dress, and I can’t think of anyone under the age of 40 even considering it. She calls it youthful, which I don’t see. Lindsay says the back is beautiful, but Heidi says the front is a mess and Kors tells her the tabloids will kill the woman wearing this piece. He’s so, so right. Lindsay doesn’t love the ruffles at the bottom of Christopher’s dress, but everyone loves the textured top layer, and Kors calls it “cute and edgy.” Heidi likes Ra’mon’s dress, and though Kors likes it also, he tells Ra’mon to stop playing it safe and step up.

Ari describes her dress as “red carpet 2080” and then “she” can go pick up her Nobel peace prize in the same night. Whaaaaat? Kors says the model looks like a disco soccer ball. He’s not wrong. The outfit (with shorts) might work for a different challenge (I don’t hate it), but in Ari’s attempt to be “off the wall,” she missed the point of the challenge. Ari’s wearing another crazy print today, and I feel she’s really turning it up for the cameras. There can be only one Kenley, my dear. The judges all love Jonny’s dress, even the weird silhouette that removes all shape from the front of the body. I just don’t get it. Mitchell explains his model screw up. Nina, for some reason, says that the caftan shows an “attitude” and she’s curious about what else he can do. Huh? Where does she see attitude? In the underwear you can see the model wearing?

Deliberation goes much the same way with many of the same comments. So bring the designers back out! Between Christopher and Ra’mon, Christopher wins the challenge and immunity in the next round. Qristyl and Jonny are both safe, and Heidi tells Mitchell there are no excuses on Project Runway. Except for tonight, because between Ari and Mitchell, Ari’s completed, crazy outfit loses out to Mitchell’s unfinished, unwearable sheer nightgown. I’m not sure I agree with this elimination either, but Ari would have grated everyone’s nerves (including mine), so I don’t feel too bad.

Isn’t it great to be back???

Next week: Celebrities and surprises, and Heidi can’t sew!

For another take on this episode, check out Bless Your Heart, Ari by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 1: Welcome to Los Angeles! (Originally aired August 20, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro

Is it too early to say I’m not going to like this season? What if I said I didn’t like it after only seeing the 60 second preview? Sibling rivalries? Cancer survivors? Las Vegas, monetary rewards, award winners and ego-driven executive chefs? You know I like my petty little dramas, but if we’re going to turn into America’s Next Top Model with this additional nonsense, then I’d like to see some better eye candy. Aren’t there chefs out there who look like Jason Statham?

No? Sigh. Then let’s get to it.

Yes, Top Chef has moved to Sin City, and we’re off with seventeen new contestants and a gazillion new tattoos (I guess there’s no street cred among chefs these days without some inkwork):

Kevin, James Beard Award Nominee, ditched a full scholarship to MIT to become a chef.

Preeti, who looks and reacts to everything like a twelve year old boy.

Eve from Michigan, star struck by things like “big cities” and big vocabularies. Wait for it.

Mattin, from France and now San Francisco. He wears a kerchief, and is not nearly as adorable as Hubert.

Eli, the fat kid from Atlanta. His description, not mine. Don’t email me!

Ash, the gay man from New York.

Jennifer Zavala, superstitious mother who considers TC a “have-to,” not an opportunity. Which means she’s going to lose early, because people like that in a place like this? Reality television doesn’t care about hopes and dreams, sweetie.

Jennifer Carroll from Philadelphia. She calls herself a “bitch in the kitchen” who makes boys cry. She has a chip on her shoulder already and a permanent smirk.

Bryan, 2009 James Beard Award nominee from Maryland.  Who looks almost exactly like his brother…

Michael, 2006 Michelin Star Recipient. Bryan is older, and they look like twins and … Tony Hawk. I can’t tell them apart yet. It’s difficult to say that they like each other because they certainly don’t seem to. Michael calls Bryan the conservative one.

Then there’s Mike Isabella, 2009 “Rising Culinary Star” Nominee. And possibly the most sexist contestant we’ve had on this show in a long while. I bet he’s a fan of Rescue Me.

Also, Jesse, who has no formal training, Ron from Haiti, Hector, the 2009 James Beard Award Nominee, Ashley, Laurine, and Robin.

The chefs arrive at the kitchen in the M hotel and we see lots of GE appliances. That’s all the sponsor talk this show will get from me.

Quickfire. It’s Padma and Tom! I’ve missed you both. Kelly Choi will do that to a person. Padma introduces the Stardust showgirls, and really? Will we really have to put up with shtick like this all season? The chefs break into four teams of four for a seafood and rib eye mise en place relay race. We’re in Vegas where they don’t have knife blocks, so instead of drawing knives, the chefs reach into a top hat to pull out colored poker chips. Robin pulls out the lone gold chip – she will not compete in the Quickfire and also receives immunity in the Elimination Challenge. What the what? Lame!  The others divide up and pick their relay tasks.

The highlights of the relay: Preeti lets everyone pick their choice of seafood, and ends up with clams. Though she’s never shucked or opened a clam in her life. Way to stand up for yourself! Seriously, I do think she’s twelve. Zavala also runs into a clam problem for her team because she took time off to be a mom, and her technique is rusty. No word on if she’ll require stitches later. The real fight comes down to the two remaining teams – black and blue – who remain close throughout the race. What’s worth mentioning: Mike I goes up against Jennifer C to shuck the clams, and she’s as quick as he is, prompting this comment from Mike: “I look next to me, and Jennifer has, like the same amount of clams, and I’m like, I’m doing something wrong. There’s no way, no offense, but a girl shouldn’t be at the same level as I am.” Is this guy for real? He beats Jennifer C by only a clam or two.

Mattin (blue) out-lobsters Ashley (black), and then it’s Bryan (blue) versus Hector (black). Hector doesn’t agree with Bryan’s technique, but Bryan wins it for the blue team. Happily for me, Mike looks ready to punch a wall, but he lets it go.

Padma tells us that the Quickfire isn’t over, as we need to determine a single winner. Each member of the blue team will need to create a dish based on their protein from the relay race. Jesse worries because she’s never cooked with prawns before. Understandably, because that thing looks disgusting. The winner will not receive immunity because Robin pulled the gold chip. Therefore, the winner of the Quickfire will receive $15,000.

WHAT??? When did this become a game show? Where has your integrity gone, Top Chef? These people aren’t competing for prizes (you know, except the big, final one), they’re competing for reputation and opportunity. I realize we’re in Vegas, but is this the only way to liven things up?

Tom offers Robin the opportunity to cash in her immunity for a chance to compete in the Quickfire for the money. She declines, and so would I. Why risk going home so early? Trump would fire you for a bad choice like that. Mike, however, says that Robin isn’t confident in her skills, and that’s “one less old lady I have to worry about.”

So it’s Jennifer C vs. Jesse vs. Bryan vs. Mattin. Colicchio judges, and likes Mattin’s lobster and Bryan’s rib eye the least, and Carroll’s clam ceviche and Jesse’s prawns and grits as the top two. He chooses Jennifer C’s dish as the winner.

Elimination Challenge. Create a dish based on a personal vice. Each team will be competing internally, with one winner and one loser. Tonight’s eliminated chef will come from the losers’ bracket. Robin chooses to cook with the blue team.  Guest judge will be Wolfgang Puck.

The chefs head to Whole Foods and discuss their vices, which, among seventeen people, boils down to: alcohol, procrastination, hot tempers, alcohol, donuts, plastic surgery, cigar smoking, and alcohol. Two people don’t understand what vice means, and one person is Ron the immigrant, so okay. The other is Eve. She claims her vice is being overly complicated, which is a fault, not a vice. I guess things are a little slow in the Midwest.

Service. Guest judge: Chef Wolfgang Puck. Puck has a number of wonderful sound bites while praising and complaining about the food. I happen to know Puck is good television because I used to watch Las Vegas, and he was a sometimes guest star. I suddenly miss that show.

With four teams, there’s lots of middle-of-the-road dishes, so let’s stick with the winners and losers. The top four dishes come from Mike (olive oil poached halibut with eggplant puree), Ron (jerk bass with collard greens and Haitian hash), Jennifer C (poached halibut with whiskey, bacon, bourbon, scotch and black peppercorn sauce), and Kevin (arctic char with turnip salsa verde).

The bottom four dishes come courtesy of Hector (smoked rib eye with carrot puree and ceviche of celery), Jesse (braised chicken with whiskey reduction, yukon potatoes and egg), Jennifer Z  (chile relleno stuffed with seitan and tomatillo salsa), and Eve (shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce).

Judges’ Table. Mike showed experience and focus with great flavors, while Hector unnecessarily fried his steak and should have smoked it differently. Jennifer cooked a perfect piece of halibut, impressing especially Wolfgang Puck. Jesse overcooked her chicken, and the judges find it too dry to let go. She knows and understands exactly what went wrong. Ron cooked his fish well, though he tried too much with the dish. “There’s no flavor” to Jennifer Z’s dish, and the judges battle with her over whether she has any experience cooking that dish or using those ingredients (she claims she’s done both, often). Colicchio loves Kevin’s dish, and Wolfgang calls it “beautifully executed.” Everything about Eve’s dish was just “okay,” “bland,” and unbalanced.

Wolfgang announces the winner: Kevin. It’s early, but I think with his confidence and experience, Kevin’s going to be around a long time. As for the loser, it’s good-bye, Jennifer Z. I appreciate that just for the ease of having two Jennifers on the same show. Padma should pull a Tyra and force people with the same names to choose new nicknames. We could call Mike Isabella “Pig!”

And so, another season begins. After a second viewing, I’m only slightly more okay with the changes. I’m not a fan of the cash prizes, which feels like a cheap thrill in a show known for being better than other reality television shows. And what happens next season? Do they have to continue offering Quickfire prizes? Usually, once introduced, these kinds of things escalate. Will they start offering cars and stereo systems (I just laughed – who wins stereo systems anymore?), flat screen TVs and cruises? Honestly, this reminds me of the inane prizes people won on the Real World/Road Rules challenges. I mean, I love The Gauntlets and The Duels, but look at what that show is. The one thing about Top Chef (and divorcee, Project Runway) is that it relied solely on talent and didn’t fall back on gimmicks. Gratuitous product placement, yes, but this is very disappointing, and makes me worry not only for the future of the season, but of the show.

As for the contestants, we seem to have a mix of very experienced chefs and very nervous people. I think it’s too early to call if this will be a successful, enjoyable group. Though the chefs don’t show the early promise of last season’s group, they don’t seem as poorly cast as season 4. Hope remains.

This season on Top Chef: The Air Force, a western, Penn and Teller, Hubert (!), and temper tantrums!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 1: Sin City Vice (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Trae Patton

Finale time!

Here’s the only thing I care about: That Chef Michael Keyarello (nee Chiarello) doesn’t win. It would ruin the whole season.

And so! Hubert vs. Keyarello vs. Bayless. This week’s Quickfire is a ride in a luxury SUV, all three chefs shoved into the back row. Who can survive the longest?? They drive up the coast to The Getty Villa, which Hubert claims as being “on the level” worthy of the Masters’ finale. Uh, sure.

Elimination Challenge. Create a series of dishes based on each chef’s career: A dish inspired by their first food memories; the meal that inspired them to become chefs; the meal that represents the opening of their first restaurant; and a meal that looks into the future of where their styles are headed.

Rick calls it a dream assignment, and Hubert says it’s “the perfect challenge.” Keyarello repeatedly tells us that he is a Storyteller, implying that because of the storytelling nature of this challenge, he will rock it. I’ve rolled my eyes once already. Guest diners will be Colicchio (!), Gail (!), Padma (!) and the previous winners of Top Chef. Keyarello is “shocked” that the previous winners will be judging the Masters. This guy really has an ego problem, doesn’t he?

The Masters share a meal and swap memories, and we see lots of old pictures. It’s a nice way to get to know these chefs. Keyarello proudly calls himself the scrappy one, and Rick wants to dignify the underrated Mexican food and has less formal training than his competitors. Hubert continues his tradition of not smack talking; instead, he fondly talks of the food.

Rick’s most challenging dish will be his second course, which took him 20 years to master with its endless number of ingredients. Hubert and Keyarello use truffles, but Rick breaks it down for us novices: “Yeah, you can slice truffles over a dish and say it’s special. But it’s not really, it’s just expensive.” I love Rick. Hubert talks about his third dish, a lamb chop wrapped in vegetable mousseline, with a garlic clove in the center, blanched three times to take away the sharpness of taste. Noted. The seafood for Rick’s fourth course ends up slightly overcooked.

On Day Two, the Masters arrive to a video package of their sous chefs wishing them good luck from their employees. Which seems weird, because two seconds later, the sous chefs arrive in person to assist the Masters for the remainder of the challenge. I guess Keyarello can’t blame his sous chef this time if there’s a problem in the preparation.

Service. The Critics return: Gael, Oseland, Rayner. The results:

Rick: Barbecued quail with hickory “house” sauce, sour slaw and watermelon salad; ahi tuna with oaxacan black mole; achiote-marinated cochinita pibil with sunchoke puree and crispy pig’s feet; arroz a la tumbada, tomato-jalapeno broth and chorizo “air.”

Hubert: Laundry day lunch, Baeckeoffe: lamb, beef, pork, potato stew; Salmon souffle with caviar and riesling sauce; lamb chop with vegetable mousseline and blanched garlic with merlot sauce; sweetbreads with perigord truffles on scrambled eggs & spinach, with wagyu beef cheeks and celery puree with pinot noir, lemongrass & ginger sauce.

Keyarello: Gnocchi two ways; polenta with rabbit, asparagus and wild mushrooms, grilled duck and rabbit liver; ginger-stuffed rouget, mango salad, fresh wasabi, and bottarga; brined short ribs with 5-onion cavalo nero & essence of smoldering vines.

Compliments all around on nearly every part of every dish, which you would expect from our Masters at this point but isn’t so much fun to write about. Imagine lots of oohs and aaahs and “I could just lick that up” (Stephanie) and “I … want to bathe in it” (Gail) and “You could probably bathe Gail in it” (Colicchio). Who needs context? So instead, let’s focus on what the diners and critics didn’t like. Ilan finds Keyarello’s third course a little one dimensional. Hubert’s third course also struck the diners wrong – many of the diners found the garlic undercooked and unnecessary, and Padma found the vanilla taste too jarring. As for Rick’s last dish, Rayner says it’s “not Rick’s greatest dish,” and compares the foam to a granny in hot pants at a wedding. Or something. Harold’s “did he just say…?” expression in response is priceless. Colicchio liked it, but thought it suffered due to timing and the wait during a four course meal (or it was overcooked, which the diners don’t realize).

Hosea especially loves Rick’s dishes, and Harold found a newfound respect for Hubert and French-cooking. Keyarello’s final dish stole Padma’s heart and ran away with it, which saddens me, because I like Padma.

Critics Table. We see reviews of only two dishes per chef, one nothing but compliments, and the second an attempt to criticize. Each chef had one misstep on their menu, so they remain pretty tied at this moment. Hubert seems the most distraught that he might have served something that the diners didn’t like – as if he owed them an apology. He’s the cutest man ever, isn’t he? Much of the diners’ comments are repeated here, so let’s get to the points!

Hubert, though adorable, surprisingly loses to Keyarello, which makes me demand a recount. He finishes out with 16 ½ stars, and Keyarello earns 17 stars. Rick, however, saves us all from endless Keyarello ego, and wins it with 18 stars. I like that Keyarello was primed for so long to fight against Hubert, but in the end, he never considered Rick and his Mexican food a real threat. Take that, Chef Michael “What’s My Name?” Keyarello! Viva Rick!

And now, here we are, at the end. As for the season itself, I enjoyed Top Chef Masters. Though many have found it a touch boring, I like the idea of these trained, famous chefs, running around performing the same tasks we’ve seen our “cheftestants” perform, and the humbling experience it can be for them. I like that many of the Masters are fans and up for some fun competition, with emphasis on fun. Also, the camaraderie has been a nice change of pace to some of the every-man-for-himself attitudes. So – enjoyable to watch, most certainly. Must see TV? Definitely not. However, compared to a lot of the other reality and scripted fare out there, I’m happy that I spent my summer here, rather than in a Big Brother house.

So thanks to all who’ve been following along. Now let’s all go out and eat! (And watch Top Chef!)

For another opinion on this episode, check out From Pit Master to Top Chef Master by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 10: Top Chef Master (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal