Nate smuggles Dan Olivia’s vampire movies and Nate, who’s up on the Endless Nights blogs, knows all about Olivia’s paramour co-star at the time of shooting.  He thinks Dan shouldn’t watch the films as it may ruin their impending intimacy (that’s Dan and Olivia, not Dan and Nate).  And then Nate and Dan watch the movie, Olivia’s orgasm and all.  So when Olivia calls, Dan fakes the flu to avoid seeing her.

Anyway, Gossip Girl spots Olivia grabbing a handful of free condoms and her publicist, Casey, wants Serena to fix the situation between Olivia and Dan . . . but first she needs to deliver James Franco a new pair of underwear.  No word on why he needs a new pair.

At the Met, Jenny’s holding her first day at court and, per Eric, looks queentastic.  After sending her minions away for not skinning the almonds on her yogurt, she “reluctantly” asks Eric to move down a few stoops so she can reign supreme.  Of course, Jonathan doesn’t like that and sits above her; Eric joins in and all but tells Jenny to lighten up.  Jenny sics the girls on Eric, which translates to pouring that yogurt all over his head, skinned almonds and all.

Chuck’s planning the opening of his new club and enlists Serena to help with publicity, only she needs to keep Blair away from it all, which is interesting because Blair’s in the room hearing the whole conversation.  Obviously Chuck hasn’t forgiven Blair yet for her deception, but he’s too busy trying to get a liquor license in time for the opening.  With a little unknown help from Blair (and Uncle Jack), the license comes through.

In our Dorota moment of the week, she’s getting a pedicure/foot massage with Blair in the NYU dorm, but Chuck breaks it up (after Dorota gushes over not going out with Vanya the doorman much) and gives Blair a gift to apologize for keeping her out of the loop.  But it all goes sour when Chuck learns that Jack was involved with the deal, at Blair’s initiation.  He still doesn’t trust her, now more than ever.  And she’s no longer invited to his party.

Back at the apartment, Rufus is trying out his Ramones costume and is excited about handing out candy at his new apartment.  Lily breaks the bad news that she just doesn’t get trick-or-treaters and he doubts her.  Eric breaks up the conversation by coming home early and putting the blame on Jenny, which leads Lily to have a talking with Jenny and order to go to the party with Eric and to have her so-called friends apologize to Eric.

And now, it’s party time!  Chuck’s speakeasy is opening with a Prohibition theme, natch.  Dan and Olivia are going together, sort of: he’s going in through the backdoor so she can have her co-star pretend to be her boyfriend (and get some good publicity).  Blair’s stuck in the door, while she plays chess with Dorota (who can also clean the floor at the same time); they’re interrupted by a flower delivery . . . not from Mr. Chuck. She’s heading to the party to apologize to Chuck.  Somehow she learned the license is a fake, but Chuck already knew this and called the cops himself.

Jenny and Eric, who’s dressed like the accountant from The Untouchables, have a heart to heart, but Jenny may have a plan.  Outside, we see her minions throw eggs at Jonathan, reminding us of the famous baptism scene from The Godfather.  She is good because the key is to always have an alibi, but Eric know she’s behind it and doesn’t want to play these duplicitous games anymore.

Back at the club, the police arrive to close down the club.  They’re seizing the alcohol, which seems odd to me.  Serena doesn’t understand but Blair explains that she and Chuck planned this together and she used Serena to get celebrities there.  I guess the feud between these two is back on.

Because deception is king on this show, Olivia comes clean with Dan that her co-star was really her boyfriend but that it’s over between them.  As they’re going in for the makeup kiss, Serena stops them and drags them in front of the paparazzi.  Feeling left out, Serena says she’s the ex’s girlfriend and then they make out.  Happy Halloween!

Chuck and Blair, the Justinian and Theodora of Manhattan, are thrilled at the increased reservations at his club.  Of course, no one mentions how he’s going to get a real liquor license after having operated without one; the ABC guys don’t look kindly on that, as Horace explains.  But Chuck has an idea, he wants to create a real speakeasy, members only.

We end with Dan and Olivia doing the horizontal Monster Mash and Queen J throwing out her old designs and sewing machine.  God save the Queen.

Next week: Backstabbing, deceit, and mud-slinging.  That’s right, Election Day!

And since we’re a quarter way through the season, already, I must say I’m really enjoying the renewed energy and interesting storylines and character development on the show.  We’re almost back to the quality of the first season and with the impending return of the Serena-Blair feud, we’re on track for an awesome pool fight scene in the spring.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 7: How to Succeed in Business (originally aired October 26, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

This week Heidi tells our Final Seven bunch that they are taking a road trip to Rodeo Drive to meet a famous designer.  (So now Logan’s Dopey dwarf hat makes sense!)  In honor of this, it’s time for another Troop Beverly Hills clip.  As for the designer, it’s Michael Kors, who is so excited about today’s challenge: design an outfit inspired by a famous locale.  Carol Hannah hasn’t been to many places but she selects Palm Beach.  Nicolas, who is just annoying me more and more each week, picks Greece.  Althea selects St.Tropez, Gordana selects New York, Irina selects Aspen, Christopher selects Santa Fe, and Logan is stuck with Hollywood (California, not Florida, I hope).  This is a one day challenge.

As usual, we sketch, Mood, and fling the fabric across the model forms while they all make catty comments about each other (and do lousy Michael Kors impressions).  Enter Tim to check in on everyone.  He begins with Gordana , and he wants her to start on her dress and stop working on a neck piece.  He cracks a joke with Althea about what man would wear a shirt like that and the producers cut to Logan; I’m not sure what that means.  Tim advises Christopher to avoid being a cliche, as we cut to Irina making a snotty comment about him still being there.  In talking with Carol Hannah, he’s concerned that there’s nothing special about her Palm Beach dress. Bleh comments about Nicolas, Logan, and Irina so let’s skip that.

The next day it’s showtime!  Nicolas doesn’t see Greece in his outfit but he explains that it’s something you could wear in Greece.  That was the assignment, right?  Design an outfit that can be worn anywhere.  Anyway, Christopher laments that he gets passed over for jobs because he doesn’t have proper training, and I think this is just a set up for him going home, which wouldn’t surprise me because he’s one of the remaining folks I picked for the final three.

Runway.  Heidi introduces our judges: Nina AND Michael are there, plus actress and L’Oreal spokesmodel Milla Jovovich (also of The Fifth Element and The Messenger and some other stuff I haven’t seen and can’t be bothered to look up).  Logan’s up first and I don’t see how it’s a Hollywood outfit.  Althea can see her model streetwalking in St. Tropez or something; I guess I can see that.  Nicolas’s isn’t Greek at all.  Carol Hannah gets more of a South Beach look than a Palm Beach look but I’m sure they won’t know the difference.  I sort of see Santa Fe in Christopher’s number, and Irina did a good job capturing Aspen, but a white fur would have been better.  And we end with Gordana’s take on New York and I think it works but, again, I’m usually wrong on this stuff.

Heidi sends Althea out and starts the questioning.  Milla likes Irina’s “grande dame” of Aspen look; Michael thinks it recalls Aspen in the 80s (which is the only time I’ve been so that’s probably why I think she did a good job).  Nina doesn’t think Christopher captured Santa Fe at all, Michael agrees, but Milla likes the belt.  In looking at Carol Hannah’s some more, it reminds me of something previous contestant Uli has done–no one mentions that, of course, but the judges all like this one.  Michael thinks Nicolas got confused about Greece, commenting that he designed for Grease with John Travolta and not the country.  Gordana apologizes too much for her outfit and talks about spending all of her money on the necklace part of the dress; the judges, however, like everything about this piece.  We end with Logan who designed for Lindsey Lohan or Mary-Kate, but Nina doesn’t think there’s anything special with the styling; Heidi disagrees but Michael notes that he designed clothes, not fashion.  Ouch.

Of note during deliberations, Michael makes a few cracks at Nicolas’s selection of grey menswear fabric as inspired by Greece and Ms. Jovovich thinks Logan did a good job if the show is called “Project I Didn’t Mind It.”  Ha!  Anyway, Heidi calls everyone back in for the results.  Carol Hannah is in, and Irina wins for giving them so much on a limited budget. Gordana is also in and gets a comment about not being so apologetic on the runway (told you so).  This moves into an admonishment for the remaining guys to pump up the volume.  She sends Logan out, and in a surprising upset, Christopher is in and Nicolas is out.  And it looks like Ms. Jovovich is getting emotional, wondering how the judges do this every week.  Well, don’t worry, this season only Heidi’s doing it every week.

And since this is his last week, I’ve figured out what bothers me about Nicolas.  It’s his laugh that he throws out there to diffuse tension or in a “just kidding” after saying something that’s not really funny.  I’ve known a few people who’ve done this and I don’t like being around them either.  But they were bastard people.  My lawyers have advised me to be sure to note that I’m sure Nicolas is a wonderful, kind person in real life and we wish him all the best in the touring company for Xanadu.

For another take on this episode, read Greece is the Word by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 10: Around the World in Two Days (originally aired October 22, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

And so with the pour of a generic Big Gulp (a “Big Quench”), a student walks down the hallway, ready to aim. . . .at Finn! Finn has insperminated (New word alert! Call the OED) Quinn, and it’s payback time for the long-held grievance of one particular student and his pubes.  It seems Finn’s reign of popularity is over.

Coach Ken and Emma are telling Will about their proposed wedding, which to Emma’s chagrin requires them be in the same room together at the same time.  They aren’t inviting Will but they want his help in making a mash-up of “The Thong Song” and “I Could Have Danced All Night” so they can have a first dance as awkward husband and awkward wife.  They also want dancing lessons.

In rehearsal, the gang is debating the start of the Slushie Wars, while Will walks in and talks about his love of mash-ups.  He hands out a new song: “Bust A Move,” but none of the male leads want to sing it, so Will shows them how it’s done, including some crazy dance moves.  It’s awesome, at the very least because it distracts me from the awful lip syncing that’s still going on in post-production.

After the break, Finn and Quinn talk to Emma about their social fall.  They need advice on how to be cool and believe that Emma must have seen a lot of cool people over the years.  Quinn’s comparing her status to being a toxic asset, but Emma’s distracted by Will walking by in sunglasses.  She suggests sunglasses and Finn likes the idea because it would let him look at someone’s boobs without her knowing.

We cut to Emma wearing an over-the-top wedding dress, modeled after the one Princess Di wore at her wedding.  She’s going to her dance rehearsal with Will and wants to make sure she know how to dance in it.  And cue “The Thong Song” and dance moves that Emma’s never going to be able to do, and I’m sure Ken has even less of a chance of doing.  Anyway, Emma’s getting excited by Will’s moves and she trips on him, landing on top of him as they have yet another awkward face-to-face moment.  Ken, of course, sees the whole thing from a distance.

At football practice, we and Finn need to hear some gay cracks about Finn being on glee club.  Ken breaks up a fight with Finn and announces he’s adding another mandatory practice . . . that coincides with glee club practice.  Ken tells Finn (and Puck by proxy) that he needs to choose.  Puck, meanwhile, is practicing a song with Rachel.  Why is he there?  Well, his family ordered Chinese food during their traditional Simchat Torah screening of Schindler’s List, which always reminds Puck’s mother of her Jewish roots.  This year his mother thinks Puck’s like the Ralph Fiennes character or something because he’s not dating a Jewish girl.  This led to Puck having a dream about Rachel and thinking it’s a message from God (or should I say “G-d”) to get into Rachel’s pants.  You know, when he prays, it’s like the room almost becomes a synagogue.

The next day, the Big Quench is on patrol . . . no wait, it’s Puck who bought her a drink.  It led to more make-out sessions, only she’s pretending he’s Finn.  She says she can’t give herself to him until he sings a solo.  At rehearsal, Puck says he has an idea for a mash—a personal tribute to a Jewish musical icon: Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline,” which was about a very non-Jewish little Irish Catholic girl.  And so Puck sings his solo to Rachel while the gang does the “bah-bah-bah” part that we all love to sing in bars.

Before we realize Puck didn’t sing a mash-up, Finn and Quinn are wearing the darkest sunglasses ever while walking down the hall.  They run into his football teammates, who throw many grape sodas at them.  He needs to put the bros before “hi-hos” and show up to practice.

Sue’s finishing up her Corner against the anti-human-dog marriage referendum, when she gets asked out on a date by the very-scotch-soaked news anchor, Ron.  We cut to Sue and Will swing dancing (to “Sing, Sing, Sing”) and I have to think this is a dream sequence or the opening credits to Big Business.  No, it’s for real; Will’s been giving Sue lessons and he’s glad they’re no longer at each other’s throats.  She’s calmer now that she’s in love after a date of Battleship with Ron; he likes to swing and wants Sue to go to a dance-a-thon with her.  Sue drops the nugget about Ken adding another football rehearsal.

Will goes to Ken about the scheduling conflict.  Ken points out that he knows Emma is just settling for him when she really wants Will.  Will owns up that he’s never explicitly said anything to Emma but he’s also never sent her away.  Will’s sorry for it but Ken’s not canceling his practice–let the kids decide who’s the consolation prize.

Rachel and Puck are arm and arm through the halls talking about musical stuff (and we learn his real name is “Noah”).  And then Noah gets a flooded face full of soda.  He lets Rachel clean the grape goop out of his hair and realizes how bad he treated her before.  He lets her know that he’s choosing football over glee, even if he knows it means they can’t be together anymore.

Will, for whatever reason, is out wedding dress shopping with Emma, who’s in a new and much more beautiful dress.  Will’s clearly enamored and wants to practice whether she can dance in it.  Cue the music and Emma’s first song of the series: “I Could Have Danced All Night.” When they finish, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife, a knife through the hearts of Emma, Will, and Ken.  He has to get to practice and tells Emma about Ken’s stand-off, which could mean the end of glee club.  At rehearsal, the clock strikes 3:30 and none of the football players arrive . . . until all but Finn walk in.

The next day Finn’s walking the halls with a big quench and the glee kids are all in raincoats and ponchos.  Kurt knows Finn doesn’t want to throw a soda at him, so Kurt grabs the soda and throws it in his own face, telling Finn that none of his other football team friends would do that for him.  In other disappointments, Sue walks in to see Ron and to show off her new zoot suit.  She finds him making out with someone and she’s furious.

Puck and Rachel are watching the football team practice and she hopes he didn’t leave football for her because she doesn’t think it’s going to work out between them.  He claims he was going to break up with her because he can’t get to second base (at least, what I think is second base), and he knows she has a thing for Finn and she thinks he has a thing for Quinn.  He gives her the cold shoulder and walks off.  Zooming in to the field, we see Will tossing a football with Finn and trying to talk him back into glee club because it’s where Finn belongs.  Finn takes this speech and goes to Ken to say he can’t leave glee because he sees a future where you can play football and sing and dance in glee club.  What a strange dystopian world!  Anyway, he doesn’t want to have to choose between them.  Ken relents because he has laundry to do or something during that time.

Sue returns with a vengeance from Ron and reasserts her role working with Will.  After threatening the life of a kitten, she kicks Quinn off of the Cheerios.  Apparently unphased by it all, Will tells Emma that he can’t get her two wedding songs to work together.  This is all metaphorical, of course.  It would have been a nice ending but instead we get the glee club throwing their grape slushies at Will (because he’s never been slushed before or something).

For another take on this episode, check out The Slushie Massacres by Alyssa Martino.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 8: Mash-Up  (originally aired October 21, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

We begin with an old video that’s actually a fantasy dream of Blair’s creation, in which Vanessa is being honored as a distinguished alumna of NYU.  She jumps out of her All About Eve dream and is terrified that she’s Bette Davis instead of her usual role as understudy for Anne Baxter.  She won’t tell Chuck about Vanessa, but he has confidence that she’ll soon rule the school of NYU.

Serena chats with Nate at campaign headquarters for his cousin Tripp’s run for office.  They’re talking about Carter’s debt to the Buckleys and something about flying him to an off-coast oil rig to work.  Anyway, Nate has an idea–he wants to play a poker game with the Buckleys to free Carter.  He recently learned all of their “tells” and thinks he can win.  Of course he’ll need Serena’s help.

At the loft, they’re talking about Rufus’s Welcome Back, Kotter mugs and Jenny’s reading a school newspaper article hyping Vanessa’s rising star at NYU. She’s up for an award–being asked to give a toast–at the parents’ freshmen weekend dinner and is wondering whether to invite her yet-unseen parents.  Rufus thinks Dan should invite Olivia since she’s back from Japan; Dan isn’t so sure it’s time for her to meet his family, but he asks her to go and she agrees to meet his parents.  And Blair is pissed to learn that Vanessa is outshining her and wants to write the perfect toast in case she’s selected.  Of course, Olivia has her own plan and calls the alumni coordinator to accept the offer to give the freshmen toast–and she’s keeping it a surprise from Dan.  Blair finds out about the selected toastmaster and is going to plot something, beginning when she tells Vanessa that Olivia is giving the toast, not her.  Let the fireworks begin!

First up, Vanessa tries to manipulate Dan into getting Olivia to not attend the toast (so Vanessa will be able to give the toast).  She lies to Dan about Olivia being too nervous about meeting Dan’s parents and suggests Dan spend a quiet night with Vanessa.  Dan buys it.  Back at the dorm, Vanessa learns that Olivia is backing out and she’s giving the toast.  That’s one out of the way for Blair, who’s moving on to phase two of her plan.

But first, a nice game of Texas Hold’em.  Nate and Serena walk into the Buckleys’ game and announce Serena is going to play.  She loses the first game and ups the ante by offering to play for Carter, even though his debt is a lot more than she’s showing (whatever that means).  Nate offers an incriminating photo of Tripp that will allegedly cost Tripp the election (he’s rocking the ganja, so that’s only a problem if he’s not a Democrat).  The game begins and quickly ends with a loss for Serena, meaning “Carter’s going down to Texas and Tripp’s career is going up in smoke.”  But not really, the photo’s a fake but Nate’s keeping this news from Serena.

After the break, we meet Vanessa’s mother played by Gina Torres!  They’re making a social call to meet Lily, who tries to compliment the mother on Vanessa’s success at NYU and gets some hippie nonsense about the evils of paying for education.  Whatever, it’s Gina Torres, she’s awesome . . . at least until she talks about Olivia being a shallow actress and something about how sugar is awful for people.  Vanessa gets a break from apologizing for her mother when Olivia calls to ask why Dan changed his mind about Olivia meeting his parents.  Vanessa digs a bigger hole for herself (and sort of for Dan) as she gets caught in her web of lies.  It doesn’t work because Olivia tells Dan that she’d like to go to the parents’ dinner.

At a bar, Blair and Chuck are reprising their summer plan.  The alumni guy is there and I think Chuck’s going to make a move on him.  Oh I’m right because the guy is stroking Chuck’s hair and then they’re kissing while Blair watches.  She interrupts and reminds him of their deal: if she gets him to kiss Chuck, he’ll let her have the toast.  (Apparently, a kiss from Chuck Bass is on some Tribeca scavenger hunt.)  Chuck suspects something’s up because Blair didn’t stop him before the kiss; she plays it off as nothing.  Anyway, it looks like Blair wins this round, and Chuck’s suspenders are definitely bi-curious.

And now for our weekly party!  Blair tells Vanessa that Vanessa is not giving the speech; Vanessa asks for mercy because her mother is there, but Blair doesn’t care.  Dan and Olivia walk in and meet Rufus and Lily, but Olivia, thinking Dan’s parents don’t like actresses (per Vanessa), is rude and obnoxious to them.  Dan pulls Olivia aside and it comes out that Vanessa played them off of each other.

Meanwhile, Chuck learns how Blair used him, which sends one of Blair’s minions off to warn Blair.  But Blair’s busy telling off Vanessa . . . and everyone at NYU.  You see Vanessa had a live microphone in her hand, broadcasting Blair’s elitist bile to all of the guests.  Oh no, goes Blair.  And “oh no” goes Vanessa, when she sees Dan there with Olivia.  Vanessa tries to apologize to Olivia and Dan for her double-crossing and says she wishes Rufus and Lily were her parents.  Of course Vanessa’s mother walks in and hears this last part, which leads to an intense moment of her mother warning Vanessa about what “this place” is doing to her.

Dan explains everything to Rufus and Lily, with an apologetic Olivia.  They get interrupted when Olivia is asked to give the freshmen toast, as Blair and Vanessa look on and know their machinations led to nothing good.  We don’t get to hear the speech and cut to the van der Woodsen apartment where everyone is enjoying ice cream and the Welcome Back, Kotter mugs.

In other icy situations, Chuck’s heartbroken over Blair’s deception and refuses to see her; and Vanessa’s mother leaves without saying goodbye to Vanessa.  Since Vanessa and Blair are alone, they decide to be alone together.

And what of the high rolling Nate and Serena?  Nate admits to using Serena to discredit the Buckleys’ campaign against Tripp.  Serena alerts the Buckleys and they agree to erase Carter’s debt.  She tells Carter but he refuses and leaves for the oil rig.

Next week: A very Gossip Girl Halloween.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 6: Enough about Eve (originally aired October 19, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Finn’s with Quinn as she gets a sonogram of her uterus, correction: her soon-to-be daughter.  Will is out in the waiting room as he sees Finn unravel again under the stress of his impending parenthood, even though Quinn plans to give the baby up for adoption.  Back at school, Rachel’s denying that Quinn’s pregnant to the in-school Gossip Girl (well more like Yenta Boy), Jacob, and she’s willing to do whatever she can to keep him from running that story.  And in rehearsal, Sue’s forming Sue’s Kids –an elite group of singers, featuring “Santana, Wheels, Gay Kid, Asian, Other Asian, Aretha, and Shaft.”  (I’ll let you figure out who those characters are.)  And that’s how Sue “C”s it.  But all of the tension between Will and Sue isn’t helping Will at home–he wants to know why Terri’s shutting him out of her pregnancy and he’s coming with her to her next appointment.

The next day, Jacob needs a new pair of panties from Rachel, and this time he wants real Rachel Berry panties.  She’s not amused.  But her elite kids are impressed with Sue’s recent Sue’s Corner on loving minorities and she may even move to California to become a minority. In her rehearsal, Sue’s stroking all of the kid’s egos as they break out into our first song of the night: “Hate On Me” (Jill Scott).  Will spots the rehearsal and later accuses Sue of sabotaging his club.  She agrees, doesn’t like his birds’ nest of a hairstyle, and is going to do everything she can to get him fired.

At home, Terri’s apologizing for being a bad wife of late–somehow I don’t think this includes her lying about her pregnancy–but she wants to help out at school and tells him to get down in the gutter if he wants to win this.  His first move?  Failing all of the Cheerios so they can’t attend rehearsal.  Sue snaps and calls Will into Figgins’s office, but he’s got a test and records showing that most of her Cheerios are functionally illiterate.  She doesn’t understand why they want to learn the dying language of Spanish (unless they want to be dishwashers) when instead they can learn how to do a round-off and become bankers and captains of industry.  Figgins backs up Will and tells Sue the free passes are over.  She reminds him about that anti-embolism stockings commercial he did but he already posted it on YouTube and no one watched it.  She storms out and throws things . . . and people.

Finn comes up with a name for the baby (“Drizzle”) but Quinn doesn’t like it and yells back at Finn.  Finn uses this moment to tell her that he wishes she’d be more supportive of him, like the way Rachel is with him.  Quinn doesn’t want to hear that and tells Finn that if he’s going to cheat on her while she’s pregnant, she hopes it’s not with Rachel.  Let’s have another song by the temporarily (and covertly) reunited glee club: “Ride Wit Me” (Nelly).  Will walks into practice with his remaining people and wants them to sing something together: “No Air” (Jordin Sparks) and it turns into a weird montage of Rachel and Finn flirting (and flitting) around school while Quinn jealously sings backup.  After it ends, Quinn recites some lines from Sue about Will not wanting to include the backup singers.  So Puck and a Dutch cheerleader leave and join up with Sue.

The next morning Will corners Sue in the faculty lounge about her stealing the last of his singers.  She agrees to give them back if he agrees to pass her Cheerios.  He won’t.  Across town, Terri and her sister are meeting with the sister’s former obstetrician to blackmail him into saying Terri is pregnant.  Since this show is all about threats this week, Quinn’s threatening Rachel into backing off of Finn; Rachel turns the tables and tells Quinn to stop being Sue’s mole.  This leads us into Quinn’s awesome cheerleading-themed take of “You Keep Me Hangin‘ On” by The Supremes.

At group rehearsal, Will’s group starts singing their song and Sue quickly interrupts and wants her kids to walk out.  Will interrupts her and begins telling her off.  This just fuels her bile as they go at it in front of the kids, which brings us full circle to the fight that started the episode.  Finn interrupts the bickering and then Mercedes, being a strong black woman, leads a walkout and then Rachel tries to take the credit for it.  Sue and Will share a panicked look on their faces.

Will leaves and heads to the obstetrician and is wondering why the doctor is putting up a screen so Will can’t see anything.  With some brilliant stagecraft by the doctor and Terri, they manage to convince Will that there’s a baby inside of Terri . . . oh and it’s now a girl.  Will starts to cry, not because it’s a girl, but because of his realization that he’s going to be a father.  And if you’re not hating Terri for letting this charade continue beyond this point, you’re a heartless bastard.

Will returns to school and goes to Sue’s office.  She preemptively announces that she’s stepping down from glee club because it’s too fruity, but she wants to stay on as his consiglierie.  He thinks she’s trying to trap him but she says she just wants to win.  Will and Sue go to the club to announce the changes and to salute the minorities in the minority group of glee club.  Sue drops the bomb that Quinn is pregnant and walks out; earlier that day, Sue found out from Jacob and can’t believe that Quinn would keep this secret from her.  Meanwhile, Finn is  comforting the emotional wreck that is Quinn, set to the entire club’s rendition of Avril Lavigne’s “Keep Hanging On”.

Next week: Finn and Quinn become losers and Sue finds love.

For another take on this episode, check out Sue and Schu Go to the Mattresses by Alyssa Martino.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 7: Throwdown (originally aired October 14, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Over brunch with Blair and Chuck and Nate and Bree, Blair announces that Georgina is back on her broomstick and then she hits Bree over the head with snotty comments.  Eventually, I suspect she’s upset that Nate is dating her.  He calls her on it while Bree walks off and Chuck leaves to apologize for Blair’s behavior, only to overhear that Bree has it out for Carter, which makes her a friend of Chuck’s.  Blair, meanwhile, tells Nate that no one is that nice and that he shouldn’t trust Bree.

Serena goes to see her mother, Lily, to apologize for her conduct.  Lily regrets leaving her alone with Rufus for the summer since he doesn’t “get it.”  Lily leaves and Jenny and Eric explain to Serena that Lily and Rufus are having a cold spell. Back at the Brooklyn loft, Rufus implies the same thing to Dan and announces he’ll be crashing at the loft from now on.

Vanessa and Georgina are chatting at the coffee shop.  Georgina can’t believe Dan’s dating so soon after her and she wants Vanessa to get Dan to break up with Olivia.  And why should Vanessa do this?  Well, Georgina was up in Boston and got Scott drunk, wherein he told her his secret about being Dan’s secret half-brother.  And now Georgina is going to blow the whistle on it all (and that Vanessa has known the truth), unless Vanessa gets Dan to break up with Olivia.  Vanessa, as coached by Olivia, tries to tell Dan to break it off but he thinks Vanessa is crazy and Georgina (i.e., the actual crazy one) can’t believe Vanessa doesn’t know how to get someone to dump a celebrity.

Anyway, Dan and Serena are having lunch with Rufus, when Jenny, Eric, Lily, and the premise from The Parent Trap walk in.  Since Lily loves the bolognese at that restaurant, she agrees to stay and talk.  Dan, Jenny, and Eric leave them be while they suspect Vanessa’s phone call means she has a thing for Dan.  But Dan’s still interested in Olivia and not Jenny’s idea of a romantic comedy.  He’s going to explain things to Vanessa and finds Vanessa in her dorm room doctoring photos of Olivia and someone else.  He suspects the worst and tells her he’s not interested in her like that.  She thinks he’s crazy for even thinking that and lets out that Georgina is blackmailing her because (wait for it) she knows that Scott is Dan’s brother.  Uh oh!

At the same time, Rufus and Lily are trying to figure out where they’re going with potential wedding plans–apparently she doesn’t want Mayor Bloomberg to toast them in a Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington mug.  After some hours apart and staring at photographs, they decide they’re going to get married the next day.

Serena calls in the Constance Crew to help plan the wedding.  Thankfully Dorota is there because she’s been planning parties for years.  Jenny is having her own Project Runway episode by making Lily’s dress.  And Blair gets the Mayor (unseen) to open up the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for the wedding.

Back at the loft, Dan and Vanessa are trying to keep mum about Scott.  As part of this plan, Dan meets up with Georgina to say that he’s finished with Olivia and, taking a page from Hillary Clinton, wants to hit the reset button on their relationship.  She’s not invited at the wedding but he wants to do something with her tomorrow.  She kisses him like a freak and then asks a stranger what it means when someone used to grab your ass but now they don’t.  She thinks it means Dan’s a liar, I just think someone’s a sore sport.  Because of that, Georgina gets Scott down from Boston and is buying him a tie, presumably to attend the wedding.

After sending his samurai shirt out to the cleaners, Chuck goes to Carter to scare him out of attending the wedding with Serena.  He gives him a one-way plane ticket out of town.  Have I missed something?  I’m not following this story, but who cares?  It’s time for the weekly party!

Wedding time!  Jenny helps Lily get ready and Lily’s having doubt about the quality of her wedding vows.  As Chuck and Blair debate whether Carter’s going to show up, he shows up and tells Serena that he ran up a lot of gambling debt before he ran off with her during the summer.  He met someone named Beth, proposed to her to get her family to pay off his debts, and he backed out of it in the end.  Serena’s upset and stomps off.

Georgina shows up, freaks Dan out, and tells him she’s there to give Rufus and Lily their wedding present.  But before that excitement, Lily and Rufus are walking to the ceremony and have another disagreement about their future and are about to call things off between them.  Just then Scott walks up, Lily snaps at Scott, he runs off, and Georgina announces that he’s their love child.  Of course the rest of our gang hears it all.  Surprise!  Lily and Rufus are in shock and Dan confirms that it’s true.  Vanessa explains the big lie, and Rufus and Lily run off to stop him from getting on the Chinatown bus (and rightfully so, take the BoltBus).

As the wedding falls apart, Carter apologizes to Serena but she won’t hear it.  Bree and her two big cousins show up to tell Carter they’re going to get even with him that night.  It looks like Dan and Blair are also going to get even with Georgina.

In Chinatown, Rufus and Lily are sharing their anxiety over being sort-of new parents and Rufus calls Lily out on being afraid to marry him because she loves him like she’s never loved any of her past 23 husbands (approx.).  They find Scott and tell him that they are in love with each other and that they want him in their lives.  Cue the tears and hugs.

That night in the loft, Rufus and Lily exchange vows in front of a more intimate crowd, and thanks to Sonic Youth and a sketchy service on the Internet, they are finally married.  In the joy, Serena and Lily make up and Lily thanks her for planning the wedding.  Eric and Jenny debate what parts on their bodies match parts on Scott.  Scott’s not too creeped out about it but he’s going back to Boston that night.  Chuck tells Serena that Carter’s not as bad as she thinks because he didn’t take the easy way out, even though he’s being threatened by the Buckleys.  In that, Nate learns the truth, that Bree Buckley used Nate to get to Carter (how exactly?!?); anyway, he shows her the door.

At some bar, some Eastern European prince approaches Georgina and asks if she wants to go visit his new oil pipeline in his home country.  She agrees and leaves with him, as an incognito Dorota looks on.  Oh yeah, Dorota is all former Soviet mafia!  Dorota, ty moyo solnyshko!

Next week Serena and Nate try to save Carter and Chuck makes out with a dude.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 5: Rufus Getting Married (originally aired October 12, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Back in the studio, the demolition of dresses begin and we learn that Carol Hannah designs wedding dresses (and is troubled with destroying one) and that Gordana used to be married and misses her children.  We see photos of her children and see her talking on the phone (with what I hope are dye-stained hands).  Does this mean she’s going home?

Tim drops in to make his rounds and he’s worried about most of what he sees.  Specifically, I’m talking about what Shirin is doing with the feathers and Tim offers her some needed motivation.  Epperson misunderstood the assignment and needs to start from the beginning.  Hmm, maybe Gordana isn’t in trouble.  But for now, send in the divorcées!  They’re pretty pleased with their new outfits.  And so we scramble, scramble, scramble into the runway.  (For those who tuned into Models of the Runway, the real models taught the divorcées a few runway walking moves, and it’s not all about looking pissed while thinking you’re better than everyone.  But from one who knows, trust me, it helps.)

Runway. Heidi introduces our judges: Michael Kors, Zanna Roberts (Marie Claire), and Tamara Mellon (Board Member of Halston and President of the Jimmy Choo empire).  So when watching the models, you must look past their walking (it’s very distracting).  My likes: Carol Hannah, Althea, Nicolas (who’s not having babies with his model), and Gordana.  My ewws: Christopher (she looks like a baked potato) and Epperson (it doesn’t look well-made).

But what do the judges think?  Gordana explains her outfit first and I really like this one, so do the judges (very flattering on her).  Christopher is nervous this week because of his poor performance last week; Mellon thinks it’s overworked and Kors says it looks like “a metallic Hefty bag, just cinched.”  Epperson starts by saying he didn’t understand the challenge and Heidi is not amused by that and asks the model if she wanted something for Oktoberfest; Mellon jumps in that it looks more Pirates of the Caribbean and Kors thinks she’s never getting another date with this outfit.  Shirin talks more about Cher being a half-breed or something, and while her model thinks it was safe, the judges really like it (including Kors who “loves a half-breed moment”) but think it’s good Shirin didn’t do exactly what her model wanted.  Heidi has another Oktoberfest moment with Logan’s design and Kors is looking for the beer steins.  We end with Irina, who impressed the judges with the color and lace design–I’m not a huge fan because it looks a bit matronly, but I suppose it is “age-appropriate,” as the judges say.

Results. Shirin is safe and Gordana is the winner (and glad that she’ll no longer be known as a seamstress)!  Irina is also safe, as well as Christopher.  It’s down to Logan and Epperson.  Who will be the king of Project Runway‘s Oktoberfest?  It’s Epperson, and for his prize, he’s going home.  Logan is safe.

Next week they’ll be designing for a five-time Grammy Award winner in the Bob Mackie studios.  Wait, were all the half-breed references a clue?  Is Cher coming to the Runway?  No, she’s only won one Grammy (for Believe).  In my quick research on GRAMMY.com, I’ve come up with the following guesses of five-time Grammy winners who may be on the show: Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, or The Police.  Cast your vote in the comments!

And as a bonus, you too can celebrate Oktoberfest, Project Runway style.  Pour yourself a stein of beer and re-watch this episode, having a drink every time Tim says “divorcées.”  You’ll be dancing to the Beer Barrel Polka in no time!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 8: A Fashionable New Beginning (originally aired October 8, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

How is an above ground swimming pool in competition with lightning?  Neither Kurt nor Will know but it helps break the ice when Will breaks them into teams by sexes and gives them one week to each perform a “mash up” (i.e., taking two songs and mashing them together).  The winner–as determined by a “celebrity judge”–will get to pick the song for sectionals.

Meanwhile, Sue is journaling her thoughts on her struggles with the Cheerios, if they fail then she won’t get endorsements to buy her hovercraft.  She’s sacrificed everything “only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy misshapen teens,” but the problem is not her, it’s Will and his arrogant smirk and home-bought perm.  And Sue needs to destroy Will (and his kielbasa) if she’s to destroy glee club.

She turns this energy into a plan to bring down Will . . . by recruiting Terri to become the school nurse to keep an eye on Will and Emma, even though Terri’s pregnancy is just a sign of personal weakness.  It seems that Sue can get a nurse to leave her position (by tripping her down the stairs and into a coma) and she can get a U.S. passport (and run for public office twice) even if she was born in the Panama Canal.  So Principal Figgins hires Terri, after learning of her stellar nursing credentials . . . first aid training and she’s used a defibrillator.  It looks like Will could use a quick jolt when Terri walks into the faculty lounge and announces her new second job.

Finn is having his own issues–he’s falling asleep during football practice and glee club practice, plus he’s conflicted between his pregnant girlfriend Quinn and Rachel, who’s hot if you’re not into boobs.  So Finn’s rather aloof when the boys’ team tries to get him to rehearse their mash up of “It’s My Life” and “Confessions”.  In the girls’ rehearsal, they’re making fat jokes about Quinn and out voting Rachel on deciding to wing it against the boys.

But moving on, Finn goes to the new nurse about taking a nap.  Terri uses this opportunity to project her concerns about her husband Will onto Finn, and she tells him not to screw around and to start popping two pseudoephedrine every morning.  It’s how she survived high school, and it goes well over in rehearsal.  He shares his secret “vitamin” with the other guys and that takes us into the mash up, where Artie gets a solo on “Confessions.”  Will and the guys are super jazzed and the girls are noticeably concerned. (As am I.  Why did the girls get to see their competition before they performed?)  But not as concerned, it seems, as Rachel is for Quinn’s absence from glee.  She talks her back into glee because that cheerleading uniform isn’t going to fit for much longer.  It’s a nice moment between two lousy characters.

After Terri orders another case of pseudoephedrine from Howard, Coach Ken walks in to express concern that his girlfriend, Emma, has a thing for Will.  Terri confesses that she’s only working there to spy on Will.  Ken suggests he and Terri get together to “even things out.”  Terri rebuffs that advance as Ken breaks down into tears.  Terri tells Ken that he needs to get “that doe-eyed little harlot” to marry him, but only after a quick dose of pseudoephedrine.

As the girls struggle in their rehearsal, Kurt walks in to relay his true allegiance is to the girls, especially after the boys rejected his hair and costume ideas (i.e., cornrows and exotic bird feathers).  Anyway, he points out that they all took drugs.  Later that day, Rachel confronts Finn and they aren’t listening to each other–she’s too self-driven and he’s too wiped out from all the stress in his life.  So Rachel and her team get their doses of “medicine” from Nurse Terri.  And then Will gives Terri a dose of needing his space as they fight in the faculty lounge.  Terri uses this as a prompt to get Ken to propose to Emma, with cubic zirconia since she was so affected by Blood Diamond.

Let the girls and their very yellow outfits sing, “Hey Low” mashed with “Walking on Sunshine”–it’s stinky and the mash (mashes? mush?) doesn’t work just right.  For some reason, Will likes it and thinks the “celebrity judge” Emma will have a difficult choice to make.  While she ponders it all, Terri approaches her to “clear the air” and proceeds to tell Emma off–nails and hammers don’t compete, you know.  She thinks Emma should just marry Ken because he’s available (even though his fondue pot of nationalities will open their children up to all kinds of diseases).

Fresh off Terri’s meeting, Quinn approaches her about the offer to take the baby off of her hands.  She likes high school and even glee too much to give it all up right now.  Terri thinks it’s the right call but she won’t pony up the bills for nine months . . . after all she’s going to pay for it for 18 years.  But Terri’s going to keep it a secret, even from Will (natch).

Emma talks to Ken about their proposed proposal.  She wants a lot of clarification on it all but in short she wants a secret marriage where they don’t see each other after school and they don’t live together.  I’m not sure what this is but if one of them is not in the country legally, I’d think it were marriage fraud.  And in an even more awkward relationship, Rachel and Finn talk about how they should each disqualify their teams since they both cheated.

In the end, Terri and Will wind up in Figgins’s office, where they fight about Terri also ruining things for Will–this marriage is going places!  Anyway, Figgins fires Terri for giving the students the drugs, and he assigns Will a co-director to help reign in Will’s competitive streak: Sue!  And as a final kick in Will’s acafellas, Emma tells Will she’s marrying Ken.

Next week: Sue and Will battle for control of glee and I’m thrilled that a schedule issue allowed Jane Lynch to become a series regular.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 6: Vitamin D (originally aired October 7, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Previously on Gossip Girl, Blair anointed Jenny as the new queen of Constance, and today is HRH Jenny’s first day on the throne.  A new queen is coming to NYU: Olivia Burke, star of some vampire film series (“King Arthur with vampires,” which frankly sounds better than Merlin even though I’m not a vampire fan).  And as Dan buys some coffee, a mystery character played by Hilary Duff helps him make change…she intros herself as “Kate” but we know it’s Olivia; anyway, they make nice and there’s some light flirting.  At Constance, a gothish Jenny is headed to school with Eric, and we see that her ladies in waiting are also dressed the same; they are Carmen, Celeste, and Jane, and Jenny doesn’t like what they’re up to.  Meanwhile, the exiled Queen B is at NYU trying to join the Masters of the Universe Club, but it’s more He-Man than Wall Street and she’s sorely disappointed.  I guess they’ll need to find someone else to play Teela.

And speaking of LARPers, Rufus and Serena are acting out how Lily will react to Serena not going to school, but no need to rehearse, Lily is back and wants to know why Lily isn’t at Brown.  And as expected, Lily isn’t impressed with Serena’s decision and suggests she get a job.  At Constance, Jenny is casting off the shackles of yesterday by declaring an end to the era of headbands.  Someone emergency texts Blair who runs out of the coffee shop to quell a revolution.  And back in the dorm, someone is redecorating Vanessa’s room because she’s getting a new roommate; you guessed it, Olivia Burke, who doesn’t like what her publicist did to the room.

Fresh off a round of job rejections, Serena treats herself to an expensive lunch and overhears Olivia telling her publicist she won’t make her dormmates sign confidentiality agreements.  Serena intervenes to tell Olivia how to sneak out the back of the place to avoid the press.  Olivia is grateful and recognizes Serena.  As Olivia leaves, the publicist suggests Serena get into publicity work, and so is born the Diva Whisperer.  Her first challenge? Ursula (played by Tyra Banks) who throws a tantrum and a lot of clothing around her hotel.  So Serena and Ursula talk about her role as Josephine Baker escaping from the Nazis.  I’m bored with this Serena story.

In Revolutionary Constance, Jenny’s ladies in waiting are in open rebellion and declare an end to Jenny’s Perestroika. (Long live the headbands!)  In calmer waters, Dan’s helping Nate with a paper and spots “Kate,” as Nate purposefully doesn’t tell him who she really is.  Dan goes over to say hello to “Kate” and they head out for pizza as she bails on her Larry King interview.  For some reason, Nate is shocked (and amused) by Dan’s ignorance of pop culture.  Clearly he doesn’t listen to The J Factor.

Chuck stops by Blair’s to find out where she’s been hiding.  She lies and says she’s been tutoring some girls at Constance but in walks Dorota to ask about blankets for the manicurists.  Chuck calls her on hosting her annual sleepover, even though she’s now in college.  He doesn’t call her pathetic but the sentiment is definitely there, so Chuck approaches Jenny about helping her get her crown back.  After a little pep talk (and memory lapse of that time when Chuck sexually assaulted her), Jenny agrees to reclaim her throne, both for herself and for Blair.

On Dan and Olivia’s pizza date, he appreciates Olivia’s humble nature, which is a nice change compared to his last relationship with Serena.  Olivia leaves for the premiere, still keeping Dan in the dark but telling him she doesn’t think she’s the type of girl he’s looking for.  Since his date ended early, he asks Vanessa about going to a movie and she’s got just the one for them to see: Olivia’s premiere.  But before the premiere, Ursula is a nervous wreck even as Serena is able to talk her off the figurative ledge.  The publicist learns that Ursula’s big song has been cut but she won’t tell Ursula to keep Ursula from skipping out on the event.

At Blair’s sleepover, Dorota’s being stingy with the gin because she thinks what Blair is doing at Constance is wrong (and not that serving gin to minors is somehow bad).  The sleepover gets shut down fast as Gossip Girl blasts everyone that Chuck and Jenny are attending Olivia’s premiere together.

And now’s the time on Gossip Girl when all of our storylines merge into a big “cabaret meets Nazis” kind of party!  Rufus arranges for Lily and Serena to spend time to talk about Serena’s new job as Ursula’s publicist–at least for the year while she defers from Brown.  Lily relents, and there will be “no Brown talk.”  (Is that racist?)  But then Ursula runs up and needs Serena.

Dan’s wandering around and Olivia spots him just in time for the camera to surround her before she can tell Dan who she is.  He figures it out faster than I’d think, especially when he has a history of dating girls who lie about their identities.  So we see a brief scene and Ursula runs out in tears; her publicist is glad because it will just generate a public meltdown.  Serena is not pleased.

Blair wants to go after Jenny for ruining her sleepover, until Chuck intervenes and tells Blair that she needs to grow up and accept that life is different at NYU.  She screams a little and Chuck reminds her that she’s Blair Waldorf, he loves her, and she can deal with the NYU homesick malcontents.

After the cameras stop flashing and the premiere lets out, Olivia finds Dan alone in the theatre and she apologizes to him for her deception.  Apparently, it was a big turn on for her that Dan didn’t know who she was.  (She also thinks she technically didn’t lie because her middle name is “Kate.”)  Dan blabs about his past dating drama and it looks like there’s no future for these two.  In our bathroom drama, the publicist wants Ursula to have her meltdown, while Serena advises for grace.  Ursula thanks Serena for this obvious advice and walks out just before Serena gets fired.  And Blair gets a taste of the spotlight when some photographer asks to take her photo–this has Chuck Bass written all over it.

The next morning Serena has to tell Lily that she lost her job.  Lily still doesn’t understand that Serena doesn’t want to go to Brown, and so Serena walks out in time for Lily to blame Rufus for letting this happen.  Oh Lily, I’ve missed you!

In Vanessa’s dorm room, she tries to bond with Olivia as she listens to Vanessa give dating advice in Dan’s favor.  Olivia heads out, presumably to find him.  Down the hall, Blair’s talking with three other freshmen who didn’t get into elite schools; they will be her new ladies in waiting as she rakes and hoes NYU into her personal garden.  They tell her about a package waiting for her–it’s some uniform from Chuck asking for some “one-on-one tutoring.” Hem, hem.

In the end, Ursula insists that Serena stay on as the publicist, Vanessa calls Scott who’s in the middle of plotting something with Georgina, Dan’s reading alone until Olivia walks in and wants to get to know him better, and Jenny is ordering up some yogurt on the steps of the Met.

Next week: Rufus and Lily get married, with the return of Georgina and Scott up to no good.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 4: Dan de Fleurette (originally aired October 5, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

In the workroom, Epperson and Christopher are all bosom buddies and we get flashbacks of his last disaster team challenge with Qristyl.  We then learn that Louise makes bird calls and other cartoonish noises while she works (so do I!), but that doesn’t include the cat calls the ladies and guys are making at the dreamy Logan, probably because he’s not wearing a Smurf hat this week.

Tim’s Take, but don’t get him started on leggings.  He thinks Carol Hannah is 80% there already, provided those leggings go.  He’s excited by the potential of Louise (whatever that means), as well as the modern suit that Althea is making.  In talking with Irina and Gordana , they’re disagreeing on somethings so he backs off.  His conundrum with Christopher is the different textiles, and then Christopher and Epperson talk about reinventing the shirt dress.  How bold, now send in the models!

Before the next day, Nicolas gets sick by Louise’s ruffles and it sounds like he may throw her under the bus if need be. which is interesting because he has immunity.  Irina and Gordana are still having communication issues but at least they’re being polite about it, or maybe that’s passive aggressive, I’m not a psychologist.  So Macy’s Accessory Wall (with new INC brand shoes), final fittings, and we’re off to the runway.

Runway.  Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors is back (yeah!), Zanna Roberts (Marie Claire), and Ms. Reardon.  She starts the show by warning that “one or more may be out.”  Interesting.  Also interesting: Gordana’s model is showing a lot of breast and Logan’s model is showing way too much pootie.  So far, these outfits stink as we get two ruffly things in a row from Althea and Louise.  Carol Hannah’s first outfit is very stewardess, circa 1960, and I agree with Tim on why leggings are evil.  Christopher’s shirt dress is great . . . for a shirt dress, and it’s really the only thing I liked.  But what do I know?  Logan and Althea are sent back immediately as neither good nor bad.  And for some reason Christopher and Epperson are in the bottom.

The good.  Carol Hannah and Shirin: They like the tunic and the stewardess number.  And Irina sort of calls out Gordana for not contributing more, but the judges don’t care because they like the outfits and they’re both staying in the competition.

The bad.  Louise and Nicolas: Heidi is not a fan of ruffles and Kors describes one as “a bridesmaid’s dress with a shower loofah ruched up the middle of it,” and apparently no modern girl wants to wear that.  Heidi twice points out how lucky Nicolas is for having immunity.  With Christopher and Epperson, Heidi thinks the non-shirt dress outfit looks like the woman was eating lobster and left the bib in.  Kors rips a new one into Christopher by talking about how bad both designs are, how they don’t go together, and how the shirt dress is for a 1979 librarian.  And Christopher starts crying . . . a lot.  (And I’m a total bastard because I can’t stop laughing while I watch.  I know it’s sad and disappointing for him but it’s the brutal honesty of Kors and Heidi that always set me off–he should be really glad Nina wasn’t there.)

Privy Council.  I’ve got nothing to say except Heidi debating which of Christopher’s is worst: “the pumpkin disco ball” or “the shower curtain nightie.”  With the good outfits, none of the judges are terribly excited about anything, well I’m inferring that from their comparatively mild comments.

Results.  Irina wins!  Shirin, Carol Hannah, and Gordana are in.  Epperson is in and Nicolas has immunity, with Heidi reminding him for a third time that he is very lucky.  It comes down to Louise and Christopher.  Per Heidi it’s down to Louise’s ruffled dresses were poorly made, not sellable, and dated, and Christopher’s outfits had nothing in common except for cluelessness.  Louise is out and after a very long stare and pause, Christopher is in (and makes a sad puppy noise).  So, I was right with my prediction, for a change.

We get a preview of Irina’s holiday dress, which looks too slutty for my holidays.  And next week they get new models and I can’t figure out what the challenge is going to be.  But at least Michael Kors is back.  I can’t handle it when he’s not on.

For another take on this episode, read Blue? Really? by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 7: The Sky’s the Limit (originally aired October 1, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

Emma calls in Finn to ask if he needs to talk about anything (ahem, the baby).  She suggests he could get a music scholarship through glee club, get a full ride to college, and get out of the town.  One step is getting glee to do well in regionals by getting Rachel back in glee.  Looks like Emma is plotting something to get into Will’s good graces, i.e., by getting Finn to get Rachel back into glee.  But Rachel’s too busy not taking off her “over the shoulder boulder holder” in order to get a good review in the school newspaper.  And while Mr. Ryerson has no problem with nudity (in part due to his planned production of Equus), Rachel won’t relent.  Finn, however, shows up and dazzles Rachel with his charm.  Perhaps this might work.

After realizing students (of all ages) who are still in high school can legally participate in glee, Will asks Emma for the student records of April Rhodes who was a glee club rock star and should have graduated many years ago.  Turns out Will’s suspicions were right; April never graduated and so he contacts her online to arrange a meeting/recruitment session.  And in walks April (played by Tony and Emmy Award-winning Kristin Chenoweth), well more like Will walks into her house and box of wines.  But as they’re getting acquainted, a realtor walks in and says that April’s a squatter and needs to get out.  So with wine box in hand, they sit on the curb and April shares her story of failed dreams and being a high school dropout.  Will offers to help her graduate (with her last three credits), sober up, and into a fresh pair of underwear.

Will introduces April to glee club, a/k/a the world’s worst Benetton ad, but this group isn’t thrilled about an old person joining their ranks.  So April dazzles them all with a very sultry “Maybe This Time,” but it turns into an off-stage duet with Rachel.  I’m not sure I get the artistic meaning here but Kurt’s crying at the end.  Will suggests she endear herself with the rest of the kids.  She wins Kurt over with liquor (I think) and vintage muscle magazines (SFW).  She gets Mercedes and Tina by teaching them how to smuggle things out under their skirts (to help their walking or something about a lit birthday cake).  And she screws Puck.

Back at Rachel’s rehearsal, Sandy is not having any of this, with “this” being Rachel’s musical abilities.  But she won’t quit and let Sandy take over her role.  She doubles down and works her lines with Finn, who thinks they should go bowling to help loosen up.  She’s flustered by it all and even more so when Will and April walk in and talk about April getting Rachel’s former solo.  But the most bothered of them all is Kurt, who vomits on Emma after drinking too much.  After some Karen Silkwoods later in the emergency room, Emma tells Will that she’s concerned about what he’s doing by involving April and taking away an opportunity for a true student to grow.

Sandy, however, missed that lessen and shouts Rachel out of rehearsal and into tears in the bathroom.  April tries to comfort her (even without a NyQuil pick-me up) but Rachel thinks April is inappropriate.  April, of course, doesn’t care because this time she’s making all the wrong decisions but for all the right reasons.

Bowling time, where ball sharing is all part of the fun.  Finn’s sharing his with Rachel and flirting like crazy while teaching her what to do.  Across the lanes, Will and April (and some horse tranquilizers) are bowling but it’s a pretext for Will to tell April to start acting more responsibly around the students.  He also says how he used to idolize her when he was in high school (she was a senior when he was a freshman) and he’s always dreamed of singing with her.  So shut your gravy hole while these two interrupt Bingo night to duet to “Alone” by Heart.  While they sing, Finn tells Rachel he wants to spend more time with her (regardless of Quinn) and wants her back in glee.  So they seal the deal with a kiss.

Back in rehearsal, they’re all guessing what’s wrong with Quinn and it’s not lactose intolerance.  Puck breaks the news of Quinn’s pregnancy by Finn (and Bert and Ernie’s domestic partnership) and then they all tell Rachel when she announces her triumphant return to glee club.  After Finn submits his scholarship application to Emma (since his plan worked), Rachel slaps Finn in the face for his lies.  He owns up to them and says he did what he needed to do for his unborn child but it doesn’t change his feelings for Rachel.  Rachel doesn’t care and goes to Coach Sue to get back into the musical, only if changes are made.  Sue agrees, especially after Sandy tried to write himself in as Queen Cleopatra, which only made Sue aroused and then furious.  As a result, Sue gives Rachel complete artistic control of the show.  Shocking.

Show night for New Directions and April stumbles in drunk (after almost running over Emma).  But Will ignores it all because the show must go on.  And so April and her pink cowgirl outfit (with the glee kids in the background) bring country western to Lima, Ohio, with “Last Name.” Rachel looks on with dejection.  Will also isn’t pleased and stops April from going back out on stage.  She agrees that she doesn’t belong there even though she loved that standing ovation from the crowd.  She wants to get out of the kids’ sunshine and let Will make sure that what happened to her will never happen to any of them.  So next stop Broadway . . . or Branson.

Will tells the gleeks that April isn’t coming back and that they’ll just cut the show short.  In walks Rachel, tail between her legs, offering to be April’s understudy since she quit the musical (again?).  They all agree and welcome her back into the fold for the closing number of “Somebody to Love” (and all the Queen fans cower in the corner, while the queens go crazy).

So we’re five episodes in to the first season and I really hope they work on improving the lip syncing on this show.  It’s really distracting and sad that good singers, particularly those of Ms. Chenoweth’s quality (recall this performance from one of the greatest shows ever), are portrayed as amateurs.  Just a thought.

Next week Terri thinks Will’s been hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn’t belong to her.  Who knew Will was Polish?

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: The Rhodes Not Taken (originally aired September 30, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Downtown Carter corners Serena but they’re interrupted by some girl who says they hooked up last month.  He brushes her off, she slaps him, and Serena wants to be left alone right now.  Speaking of creepy cover stories, Manhattan’s favorite busybody Vanessa confirms that Scott’s not enrolled at NYU.  Uh oh!

Blair goes to Chuck’s hotel room with some caramel apple thing and a side of afternoon delight, but Chuck rebuffs her advances because he has a business meeting in a few.  Blair is less than pleased considering it’s been five days since they had relations.  So she leaves but knocks over some mail, finding an invitation to La TableElitaire.

Vanessa confronts Scott about why he’s not enrolled at NYU.  He says it’s complicated and then explains the complication, i.e., he’s the lost dauphin of the Lily-Rufus dynasty.  Vanessa tells him how Rufus and Lily went looking for him and how Scott’s parents lied about his death.  He asks her to keep this secret until he has time to talk to his parents.   So of course Vanessa dances around the topic when she meets Dan for coffee, and then she leaves when Georgina shows up (having been s-exiled by Blair and Chuck “making time for each other,” at least until they realize they both have been planning things behind each others’ backs).  Georgina suggests Dan find out who Scott really is, and through some quick Googling, they find out Scott’s real last name and a silly soccer team photo of him.  Dan also remembers that Scott wrote him a letter after reading his article in the New Yorker. Cut to Scott telling Vanessa that he’s going to tell the truth, even if his parents don’t like it.  Clearly, we’re setting this up for another Dan-Vanessa fight based on trust issues.

And now it’s time for the weekly Gossip Girl party!  This week we’re going to an auction, and even Nate (is he still on the show?) and Bree are going and taking their secretive relationship public.  Blair and Chuck are competing for the same photo at the auction: Blair needs it to get into La TableElitaire and Chuck needs it to help impress a restaurateur.  Oh and Scott’s mother walks in for no reason, except to create more drama later on, only she says that she’s there to support what he’s going to do.  And in her support for Scott, he decides to tell Rufus that he’s just the brother of the son Rufus thought died.  So we’re left with Vanessa knowing the truth (and forced to lie) and Rufus thinking he never needed to lie about this.  When the truth finally comes out later this season (and you know it will), it’s going to make Jenny’s breakdown look like a walk in the park.

Meanwhile, the auction between Blair and Chuck takes off like a race, but they get so distracted talking about how they don’t need to bribe anyone to get what they want, and then we see that Serena out bid them both.  Serena turns the tables and says she knows that Blair and Chuck have been setting up Carter for financial troubles and it comes out that Serena spent the summer with Carter trying to find her father.  She walks off and notices Blair’s invitation to La TableElitaire, specifically the “G”s which are the handiwork of Georgina.  Oh yes, Georgina has been setting up Blair all episode.  As the auction ends, we’re left with Georgina watching everyone leave and getting that psychotic look of manipulation that makes everyone shudder.

The next day, Dan’s confronting Georgina about what she did to Blair and Chuck (which really wasn’t much, right).  He tells her for the second time that he wants to cool things off.  Scott also wants to cool things off with Vanessa because he’s going back to Boston; Vanessa doesn’t want to keep this secret and hopes he’ll come back and tell them.  Don’t worry, he won’t have to since Georgina is around the corner listening to the whole conversation–and she’s off to Boston to find out more.

We end with Serena and Carter making up since the only reason why they fought was because of Blair and Chuck.  And Chuck’s tired of trying to get a club in a hotel and opting, instead, to buy a hotel and he’s planning on cashing in his company shares to make it happen all because Blair believed in him and his funny elven pink shoes.

Is it me or are there too many plots going on in each episode?  I’m following everything but the stories are stretching too thin or just plain boring.  Where’s the excitement?  Where’s the joy?  And where the hell is Dorota?!?

Next week: Tyra Banks and Hilary Duff!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 3: The Lost Boy (originally aired September 28, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Nicolas talks about how he’s okay with throwing Johnny under the bus on a non-team challenge by calling out his shoddy work in the last episode.  Oh and he’s also okay with no one liking him because this is a competition.  Yawn.  Having won the last challenge, Irina has immunity.  Heidi says they are going on a field trip since they’ve been cooped up in the design studio the whole time (really?).  They arrive at a “real Hollywood soundstage” and meet Tim and Collier Strong of L’Oreal Paris.  For this challenge they are to select a film genre and to design an outfit for a character in that genre–as a bonus (for us) they get to create their own characters. (And Tim oddly pronounces the word “genre.”)  Tim draws names,yadda, yadda, yadda, but two of them are assigned to each genre.  They go back and sketch, except that Carol Hannah is distracted by Logan’s hottness.  While she’s drooling, Nicolas is daydreaming in Fantasyland about three queens watching over the universe and residing in Orion’s Belt (actually, those are usually three kings).

Tim’s Take.  He thinks Gordana’s 1920s look is too old and they debate necklines.  Christopher is making a vampire bride in Victorian France and Tim makes a funny (and fun) face at the thought of bare arms in the 1800s. Epperson is very Annie Get Your Gun, which seduces Tim.  Ra’mon’s alien hybrid look could be either “sublime” or “a big hot mess,” per Tim.  He comments to Louise about her subtleties and wants her to push it more so she can start standing out on the runway.  Nicolas and Tim agree that he’s being too safe.  Again Tim is inspired by what they are doing and asks them to look around the room to see which one of them is going home.  Send in the models and Collier while I head to the kitchen for a refill.

While I’m gone, I overhear that Ra’mon is going to start from scratch with only two hours left.  This will not bode well.  Louise cuts herself and is getting more attention than usual so I suspect this means she’ll finally stand out from the crowd.  And wait, a streak of hair just ran across the screen.  I think it’s Nicolas.  Anyway, let’s cut to the runway.

Runway.  Heidi introduces our judges for the week: Designer John Varvatos, Zoe Glassner (Marie Claire), and Oscar-nominated (Walk the Line) costume designer Arianne Phillips–oh she should be fun with the Western folks.  So what did I like: Irina and her classic film noir feel.  Shirin is very The Best Little Whorehouse.  Christopher’s is a more modern period people.  Nicolas’s model looks like she belongs in the Ice Capades.  Epperson’s western outfit reminded me of Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead or maybe something from Firefly.  And then Gordana’s golden flapper look, nice but nothing special.

Judges’ Review.  We begin with Gordana; they like it but it’s not memorable, but we learn that Zoe’s great-grandmother was a flapper.  Nicolas talks about his ice queen’s story and I’ll pause to note that his story is NOT science fiction but rather fantasy; anyway, they love it and I’m disappointed.  Louise explains that her design is supposed to be a design in a design or something; I’m confused but they all think it looks cheap.  Christopher apologizes in advance for historical inaccuracies and then talks about vampire weddings–I don’t remember that in history class, but what do I know?  But they all like it and I agree.  For Ra’mon and his character Lola (she’s a showgirl!) and it just sounds like an extra in V; they don’t like it and think it looks like a child’s project.  Ouch.  We end with Epperson and his character who’s husband is going off to war (which war we don’t know) but it goes over well.

Results.  Gordana and Epperson are in.  Nicolas is the winner and I shout out “WTF” at my television.  Christopher (“Good job”–i.e., this was close) is in.  Ra’mon’s design was a home designed mess and Louise should have used more drama to avoid being a “snoozefest.”  Ra’mon is out.  Louise is safe.  Next week: Team challenge!

I liked this episode and the challenge.  Unlike in past years, I think there’s some serious talent and competition this year and it’s only getting better each week.  Still, I miss Nina and Kors.  Blurgh!

For another take on this episode, read The Attack of the Big Hot Mess by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 6: Lights, Camera, Sew!(originally aired September 24, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro

While a simple story, Cloudy works for all ages, with jokes easy enough for the kids to follow and more sophisticated humor that neither panders to adults nor is eye roll worthy (thank you, Shrek).  The story flowed and held my interest even in the slow parts.  Of the vocal talent, I’ll note only Mr. T‘s performance as police officer Earl Devereaux (unknown relation to Blanche) as the role was clearly written with Mr. T in mind.  The rest were fine but probably could have been done by anyone, particularly when James Caan as Flint’s father and Neil Patrick Harris as Flint’s monkey were mostly unrecognizable.  Still, admirable work by all, and with animation that still managed to impress (check out the realistic work with liquids).

And now a parting rant: I’ve said this before but why oh why are recent animated films (even Monsters v. Aliens) better than most live-action?  It’s pathetic!  Perhaps it’s lowered expectations or perhaps I have a child-like mentality (quiet, Campos), but still, entertainment is entertainment.  And Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was a great 90 minutes of entertainment.  So what does this mean for you?  It means you can go see a great movie and be in and out in no time.  And yes, I think Cloudy is worth paying full price in the theater, it was that much fun.

But speaking of children’s movies with appeal to adults, the more I see previews for Where the Wild Things Are the more I think it looks amazing but I still have no desire to see that.  What’s the deal?

We cut to Will (after waffling, I’ve decided to just call him Will and not “Mr. Schu”) and Terri practicing her breathing in advance of labor.  Terri’s sister wants Will to be tougher as it will help get the watermelon-sized baby out of her “boy howdy.”  Before she can show Will how to rub the gas bubbles out of Terri’s stomach, Terri shoos Will out of the room.  You see, Will doesn’t know that Terri isn’t really pregnant.  But she tells her sister the truth and her sister puts another bad idea in her head: continue the charade and find a baby.

At school, Will is stuck sitting with the Ken and Emma.  They share that on the recent local news, Cheerios coach Sue advocated the caning of children so we’ll get clean streets like in Singapore.  Just then Sue walks up to gloat about her new role as a commentator on the local news.  Oh yes, Sue’s busting out of her box.  (How did that clear the censors?)

Let’s head into rehearsal.  Rachel is again making trouble by objecting to Tina getting a solo from West Side Story.  Arty wisely observes that the more times Rachel walks out of rehearsal, the less effective it becomes.  So true!  Kurt pulls Finn aside to ask him a question, but it’s not what Finn thinks (about going to the prom together) because Kurt says he’s not gay (but we know better).  No, Kurt wants help getting on the football team.

At practice, Kurt’s ready for his tryout, or he’s trying to get ready, explaining that his “body is like a warm chocolate souffle.  If [he doesn't] warm it up right, it doesn’t rise.”  And he gets his music and fends off Puck’s taunting.  Coach Ken talks about how lousy their kicker is and offers a challenge to anyone who can do better.  Kurt steps up and hits the play button as “Single Ladies” comes on and he gets into a dance.  Everyone’s too busy laughing to see that his kick is good and Ken welcomes the new kicker to the team.

Quinn’s pregnant and Finn doesn’t know how it could be his since they never . . . you know.  But they were in a hot tub the month before, Finn got overexcited and their swimsuits and the temperature of the water weren’t enough to prevent fertilization.  Either there’s more to this story or we’re really supposed to stretch our imaginations here (and here’s a lengthy discussion of the topic, for you curious folks).  But back to Quinn, who’s distraught now that she thinks her chances of leaving their town are over.

After the manager of her television station tells Sue that she needs to win the championships if she wants to continue at the station, Sue heads to Sandy’s house to hear about his doll collection (and to see his kimono).  Sandy quickly breaks down (and not from the nine cans of aerosol whipped cream he ate yesterday) and Sue jumps in to offer him the position of school arts administrator which will let him control glee club once again.  Sandy has his doubts about Figgins allowing it but we cut to Sue showing Figgins footage of him advertising anti-embolism stockings for Mumbai Air.  She threatens to circulate the footage.  And with that, Sandy is in!

His first task is to get Rachel out of glee, accomplished by having her audition with Celine Dion for the school’s musical, knowing she won’t resist.  And when she gets the lead, Will objects to Sandy’s return and the theft of his best singer.  Will appeals to Rachel; she’s not quitting but looking for a reason to stay–everyone has one but she doesn’t.

At rehearsal, Tina is practicing her solo of “Tonight” but she can’t hit the high notes and wants to give the song to Rachel over Will’s pride.  In walks Finn who breaks down crying before he and Will go to a salad bar to discuss his impending fatherhood.  And for the second time, the question of abortion comes up (why is that the default option?!?), but I digress.  The topic shifts to Finn thinking the football team can get better if Will teaches them how to dance–it’s like the Superbowl Shuffle or something.  Finn thinks it’s a strategy to help recruit more guys to glee club, you know, in exchange for Will helping them win.  That night, Will tells Terri about the pregnancy and we can see Terri coming up with her own strategy to get that baby as her own.

Cut to the locker room where Will and Finn are trying to convince the team to adopt the dancing technique.  Puck’s the loudest naysayer but Coach Ken supports the plan and sends the team off the choir room.  Kurt takes over and walks them through the steps of “Single Ladies” before they break for the day.  Finn tells Puck that Quinn’s pregnant and we cut to Puck telling Quinn that he thought she was a virgin when they did it and that she never slept with Finn.  I knew you can’t get pregnant that way!  Anyway, she doesn’t want Puck to be the father because he’s a “Lima loser,” even though Puck doesn’t want to be a deadbeat father.  Quinn runs out crying to find Terri in her car, offering to help Quinn out of this situation, and not just with free bottles of prenatal vitamins.

Game night!  Will sits next to Emma, while Ken’s in back selecting which whistle he’ll use for the game.  Finn tries to give a nice pep talk while Puck talks about how he made the team “gay.”  What will Finn do?  They break and the game begins.  We see Kurt’s father arrive (And Kurt’s jumping for joy over it all).  We’re down to the end of the fourth quarter with the score at 0-6.  Finn signals for a timeout with one second left on the clock, calls the team over and says he’s doing the dance play so he won’t be a “Lima loser” (I guess that’s a term there).  The team agrees and I’m not sure how they’re going to do this in one second, but they signal for the music and the dancing begins!  Surely, this is against the rules.

Everyone’s confused but I’m just laughing and wishing this would happen at the football games I attend.  In the confusion, they score a touchdown and tie the game up.  Will and Emma embrace and then push each other away (you know, that sexual tension and all).  All this means is Kurt is up for the kick and to “die a legend” (only without a bathroom break).  He cues the music again, the kick is good (i.e., they win), and the crowd (including Kurt’s father) goes wild.  Finn and Quinn make out as Puck looks on with anger and jealousy.

That night, Kurt’s father interrupts his nighttime skincare ritual to say that he’s proud of what he did at the game.  Kurt uses this time to tell his father that he’s gay.  There’s no surprise here as his father’s known since Kurt was three, and it all ends on a touching note.  (For more on the development of this character, check out this article.)

On the other hand, we have Finn giving Quinn the baby blanket he used as a child and this is not going to end well.  Just then, Puck walks over to make taunting comments about morning sickness and Quinn putting on weight.  He apologizes and walks off.  We next see Puck (and two others from the football team) walking in as the newest members of the glee club, but Will isn’t giving Rachel the solo–it’s staying with Tina.  Rachel walks out (again) and tells Sandy she’s in for the lead in the musical.  All of this is set to Sue’s latest commentary about how to deal with life’s adversities.  And that, my friends, is how J.B. C’s it.

Next week, Emmy-award winning actress Kristin Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies) guest stars!  Meanwhile, consider the following discussion topic: I, for one, am intrigued by the parallel pregnancy stories of Will and Finn and how both are nice guys being manipulated by the women in their lives.  Is this a commentary on nice guys or a poor view of women?  Discuss.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 4: Preggers (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Last week

Anyway, Rufus wishes Serena good luck at school and she carts her stuff off to . . . Chuck’s hotel room/apartment.  She’s skipping school and crashing with Chuck.  And just as Blair is passing out headbands to all her new freshmen friends, Georgina runs in and gives Blair a big hug to welcome her as her new roommate.  Blair is not amused and they start to fight.  An “I’m too cool for school” Vanessa walks by and looks like she wants to vomit all over Georgina’s perkiness and Blair’s conceit.  But Blair is not going to let Georgina get her down.  Oh yes, you guessed, she’s having a party and putting Grandmaster Dorota on the case.

At the bookstore, Vanessa apologizes to Dan, then Georgina apologizes to them (after shocking Dan) and wants to be friends with them since she’s so lonely.  Over Dan’s objection, Vanessa makes nice.  Speaking of making nice, Nate is in bed with Bree hiding their scandalous Romeo and Juliet romance and singing Timberlake in the shower.

Chuck’s working on buying a building to convert it to a speakeasy (remember Victrola?!?).  During negotiations, drunk Serena stumbles in and spills the beans to the building owner what Chuck’s really planning.  Chuck’s pissed at Serena–apparently a board won’t approve of a place with coat check girls who give happy endings.  Really?!?  So Serena’s homeless again and crashes at the loft with Dan, who tells Serena to talk with Rufus about her non-college issues.  But after a lousy visit with Rufus, Serena says she’s not going to Brown and calls up Carter to go out partying that night.  And by party, she means crash another one of Chuck’s business meetings.  Mission Accomplished, S!  Only Carter calls Serena out on her silly games.

So back at the dorm, no one shows up to Blair’s sushi party, but no one cares.  I suspect Georgina is part of the plan to shut out Blair by making her seem like an out of touch snob.  I guess too many wasabi facials will give off that impression.  As the second part of Georgina’s plan, she’s throwing a rooftop party and telling Blair that she’s a loser who will never fit in.  Au contraire, Georgina.  Blair is forming her own alliance with Dan, who’s her date to Georgina’s party under one condition: no headbands.

And now’s the time on Gossip Girl when we swirl our martinis and party!  Dan introduces Blair to Katie and we get a great laugh line that Blair has no idea that Dan’s a writer.  Dan extends an olive branch to Georgina and asks her to lighten up with Blair; Georgina calmly says that Dan’s being used.  Well knock me down with a feather, never would have guessed that one!

So night has fallen at the roof deck and Blair grabs the mic and talks about Georgina a “Jesus freak,” which is the code word for a group of evangelists from Georgina’s camp to come parading in with pamphlets and songs.  A silly cheap laugh but Georgina is furious at Blair but it works to Blair’s advantage because she’s corralling people to party with her at Monkey Bar.  But Dan isn’t having any more of Blair’s games, so he grabs the mic and stands up for Georgina while trashing Blair.  But before anyone can slow clap, the freshmen of NYU agree to stay at Georgina’s party.

A defeated Serena shuffles back to talk with Rufus and says she called Brown and decided to defer for a year so she can take the year to discover herself (and a pair of clean underwear, we hope).  Does this mean she’s growing up? Probably not, but we get a touching scene between B and S saying farewell to their youths on the steps of the Met and hello to B’s stability with Chuck and S’s nosedive into the whirlwind known as Carter.

Oh and Dan and Georgina hooked up after her party.  Stew over that one until next week, folks.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 2: The Freshmen (originally aired September 21, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Heidi, wearing black and white, announces they’re going on another field trip with Tim.  Their clue?  Black and white.  While I’m thinking either old movies or the Watts Riots, they actually go to the Los Angeles Times where “they, like, make all the newspapers.”  Booth Moore, the celebrated fashion critic at the L.A. Times, tells them they need to use newspaper as the fabric for their next challenge.  So we’re going to get a runway of paper mache?  The designers scramble and take so much paper that Irina explains they’re “designing for a human, not an elephant.”

Back at the studio, Tim tells them they have dyes and paintbrushes and gives us a history lesson on paper as clothing.  And so they begin, with Nicolas continuing to complain about the challenge, or at least using that as a tool to vent his frustration.  He also spends his time getting annoyed by Shirin’s babbling about the name of her mannequin and complaining about the quality of Johnny’s design.

Tim’s Take.  Tim doesn’t think Gordana’s inclusion of a “change” political message is appropriate and suggests she focus on her design as a change in fashion.  Delicately put, Tim.  He is “woeful” of Johnny’s origami dress, commenting that kindergartners designed it.  And Nicolas is right there to laugh loudly, but Johnny trashes his dress and starts from scratch.  Nicolas gets the dreaded “costumey” warning so let’s move on from that.  On the other hand, he thinks Christopher’s ambitious design could be a “showstopper.”  They all rethink what they’re doing (except for Christopher) and then in come the models for their fitting.

Johnny is a little frustrated after throwing out his design and so he starts working on a crossword puzzle.  This bothers Christopher and Irina, who think Johnny hasn’t shown enough passion throughout the competition (recall we began this season with his breakdown).  Anyway, we end the day with the designers trash talking Johnny and this is all setting us up for his predictable win (and Nicolas’s defeat).  Or maybe I’m wrong as usual.

Runway!  Heidi introduces our judges: Designer Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner (Marie Claire), and Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives).  Again no Nina, no Kors, and I’m pissed.  For whatever reason, I’m impressed that you can do this much with paper.  That being said, I think Johnny and Nicolas made some stinky mess . . . at least until Shirin sends someone down looking like Mrs. Potts.  Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana, and Irina have to stay behind, while the rest (including Logan and his douchey wool hat) move on.

Althea is up first.  Mrs. Longoria Parker talks about her bump and “ass-et” in relation to Althea’s structured behind on the dress.  Heidi thinks Gordana’s outfit looks too wearable (is that bad?), and the rest of the panel all but says she was boring.  Irina made an amazing trench coat, and Hilfiger rattles off some famous designers that could have made what she did.  Heidi begins by asking Johnny how much time he spent on his dress and then says his model looks like she’s “going to work,” which in Heidi-speak means “prostitute.”  Johnny says his first dress got destroyed with the iron but it looked like a Dior; Nicolas interrupts and says that wasn’t the case and then Nicolas repeated Tim’s criticism.  Johnny speaks for America and calls Nicolas a “jerk.”  Since Nicolas is living in a glass house this week, it’s only appropriate that the judges trash his outfit and say it reminds them of New York . . . because it looks like a cockroach.  We end with Christopher’s flowing gown and they say little because it is great.

Privy Council.  Hands down Christopher gets rave reviews for his creativity, similarly for Irina and Althea.  They don’t think Nicolas achieved a punk look, and with Johnny they suspect he’s lying about the steam accident.

Results.  Althea is safe and Irina wins.  Christopher is in second place and I like to think it was a close decision. Gordana is also safe and, with Johnny and Nicolas left, I hope Heidi sends them both home.  In the end, there can be only one to go and that is Johnny.  He cries some about how difficult this was for him and I guess I’m heartless because I don’t care.

But in the only interesting part of the episode, Tim comes in to send Johnny home and it’s the coldest dismissal I’ve ever seen from Tim.  Tim then turns to the remaining designers and says, “I’m incredulous at the utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway.  It was ridiculous.”  Nicholas feels the need to interject like a choir boy and the rest of the room is sitting there, mouths agape.  I can only imagine what Tim would have shouted out had he been at the President’s recent joint address to Congress.

Next week: A one-day challenge.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 5: Fashion Headlines (originally aired September 17, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

Tonight on a very special Glee, Kurt comes out of the closet and we’re all, hem hem, shocked.  But first, we meet Will/Mr. Schu’s parents, played by Victor Garber and Debra Monk, and they are all excited about the prospect of a grandchild.  But we know that Terri isn’t really pregnant (or maybe she’s pregnant with someone else’s child?).  Anyway, Will and his father bond over the need for confidence and even his six months in the Hanoi Hilton and years as an accountant (over his dream of being a lawyer) make Will’s father think Will should have more confidence as a future father than he did when he became a father.

Of course his father doesn’t know that at the next glee rehearsal, Rachel leads a coup to get the best show choir choreographer, Dakota Stanley, to help the group make it to regionals, and this guy is good, he was the understudy of Lumiere on Broadway.  While lamenting his lack of confidence, Will is in the faculty lounge and sees that Sandy is back teaching shop class (from 50 feet away) after former shop teacher Henri accidentally sawed his thumbs off while overdosing on cough medicine.  With Sandy’s Desperate Housewives fanfic on hold, he’s back to prevent a school of nancies by putting some hot wood in these teenagers’ hands.  But before that, they sing a song to cheer up Henri and from the succinct vocal stylings of Will, Sandy, Howard (of Sheets ‘n Things), Henri, and Ken . . . Acafella is born!  Only without Sandy because with him, the group is weird.  After all, this is how they do it, and Terri can’t stop doing Will (once a week!); he thinks she’s turned on by his new boy band gig but she’s really trying to get pregnant so he won’t know she lied.

Back in the glee club, Will’s been absent for six weeks and Rachel is unable to get him back.  The group votes to hire Stanley, and Finn stops out.  Rachel calls him out for not having the confidence to tell her how he feels about her.  So he quits.  And Rachel falls right into Coach Sue’s trap by sowing the seeds of destruction using her ringers in the glee club to disband the group; she needs a fog machine.  Their next target is Mercedes, who’s been longing for companionship and turns to Kurt (and his Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club jacket) at the suggestion of the cheerleaders.

Let’s get a song in here.  The Acafellas sing “Poison” at a bar and Emma is very excited, and that’s before she learns that Will’s father sold all 17 of their CDs and without his mother having to show her bosoms!  I like her, the mother that is.  Figgins likes the Acafellas and wants them to sing at the next PTA meeting to calm the parents about the prison food Figgins has been serving in the cafeteria (Nutraloaf, anyone?).

Sandy tells the Acafellas that he wants into the group because he arranged for his MySpace penpal Josh Groban to attend the PTA meeting and he’s heard on the blogs that Groban is looking for a new opening act.  Howard is unfamiliar with Josh Groban, and before Sandy can club Howard to death with Groban’s Critics Choice Award, he explains that “[Groban] is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us.”  Talk about lifting you up.

As we see another school sing “Mercy”, Howard and Henri have to drop out of Acafellas.  He recruits Finn to the group and encourages him to stick it out with glee.  Ken is also approached by Puck about joining Acafellas; Puck wants to join so he can meet some hot moms, having developed the habit from his after school above-ground pool cleaning business.  (This reminds me of one of the few interesting parts of Extract but that’s another story.)

Rachel and Tina have a [gay + intervention portmanteau] with Mercedes about her dating Kurt, who they think is obviously gay.  She replies that she doesn’t care and is happy with Kurt, who gets her for what she is.  Until the fundraising carwash, when Mercedes smashes Kurt’s window after he reminds her that they’re not dating and that he’s in love with someone else.  He says it’s Rachel but it’s really Finn.  Mercedes sings us out to commercial with “Bust My Windows,” in front of a dancing team of bikini-topped cheerleaders.  And people thought this show wouldn’t attract straight men!

We return to the next glee rehearsal and Dakota Stanley berates all of them but the cheerleaders.  Most of them walk out, until Rachel compares them all to Barbra Streisand, and they fire Stanley so they can be themselves.  This is a boring B-plot but Stanley’s insults rival those of Sparky Polastri so he’s got that going for him.

Let’s get to the PTA meeting.  Backstage, Sandy barfs at the excitement of Josh Groban sitting in the front row with his little puppy dog eyes.  Acafella enchants the parents with “I Wanna Sex You Up.” The crow goes wild.  After the show, Josh Groban comes back to meet the guys.  He finally meets Sandy and hands him a restraining order to stop calling him, sending him nude photos of himself, and sending Edible Arrangements.  Sandy is upset, the guys are freaked out, and Groban doesn’t hire them even if he likes their work.  So the Acafellas break up, and Will and his father talk about how they both have the confidence to do what they want to do: Will is going back to glee club and his father is enrolling in law school (Harvard?).

Mercedes apologizes to Kurt for damaging his car (that he lost after his father found his tiara collection), and he apologizes for lying to her because (wait for it), he’s gay.  She tells him that he should tell the others in glee club because it’s the one place they can all be themselves.  Speaking of being themselves, Groban is backstage flirting with Will’s mother; oh yeah, Groban is into blousy alcoholics.  Who knew?

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 3: Acafellas (originally aired September 16, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Last season, a lot happened only it didn’t feel like it week to week.  This season, everyone has longer hair.  Spotted, Chuck Bass goes after some leggy blond–Ashley Henshaw with American Girl hair–even though he has a girlfriend–oh yes, he’s up to his old tricks.  At least that’s what we’re supposed to believe, it’s some weird Crash sexual game that he and Blair play.  Meanwhile, Jenny has been living it up with the Barefoot Contessa at the van der Woodsen manse in the Hamptons.  She and Eric have been hiding evidence at Serena’s request, so once again Serena’s lying.  And Dan’s got this creepy post-high school metrosexual look (and has been working out for his new role in The Stepfather) going that he’s going to go share with Vanessa, who he thinks spent the full summer in Europe with Nate.  Only that’s not exactly what happened as Nate lands in Manhattan in a helicopter with another new Columbia student–she’s Bree Buckley, arch-rival of the Archibald clan.  And in another dramatic entrance, Serena is hounded by the paparazzi when she returns from Europe.

We’re around another van der Woodsen/Humphrey breakfast table when Rufus says they’re all going to a polo match.  Dan pulls Serena aside to show her drunk photos of her partying up in Europe, but as usual she doesn’t care.  Chuck and Nate wax exposition about Chuck’s new bellhopper look and why Nate should get with Bree.  Blair and Serena spend their walk talking about her little sexual game play with Chuck so they can keep the spark in their relationship.  My advice?  Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else! Serena plants the seed of doubt, as is so easy to do with Blair’s insecurity.

Dan and Vanessa have coffee and talk about their summers and new hairstyles.  She and Nate hooked up once but came back and met Scott; she thinks they’ll like each other.  I think they’ll practically be brothers to each other.  Anyway, Vanessa grabs Dan’s wallet and sees he’s been stuffing his designer wallet filled with $100 bills–a graduation gift from Lily, which to Vanessa is akin to Frodo finally giving in to the power of the Ring.  Yeah, not so much.  Exhibit A: Frodo had the Eagles and Dan has a limo (that he kept secret from Vanessa).

Back at the apartment, Rufus is flipping through the Euro-rags with photos of Serena and no top, with Serena in a dance club, and with Serena doing body shots with Prince Harry.  Serena’s still feeling photogenic because she pretends to lose control of her top so paparazzi with get her away from Carter Baizen; she later tells Dan that Carter has been stalking her and she’s trying to avoid him.  In other scheming, Scott is encouraging Vanessa to confront Dan at the polo match, but we know he just wants to see Dan’s family–he’s got a copy of his original birth certificate.

Polo Match!  Nate introduces his date, Bree, to his grandfather and at the same time hands back the keys to a new car; he’s again rejecting his family’s influence.  Bree’s not amused by Nate’s using her because she’s not currently in her family’s good graces.  She wants to get back with them and she also wants to get with Nate.  In short, she needs them to be discreet, and Nate’s going to have another secret relationship, until his grandfather tries to use the relationship in his feud against the Buckleys.

Across the tent, Blair and Chuck are looking for another woman to unwittingly participate in their idea of foreplay.  While Vanessa is trying to confront Dan, Blair pulls him aside so they can follow through on their plot against Carter.  They’ve got a restraining order to keep Carter away from Serena, and he’s about to reveal what really happened, when polo player Nacho (seriously?) gets Serena to throw out the ball.

Scott gets away from Vanessa and meets Rufus.  As Scott is talking about being Rufus’s number one fan, Serena rides across the field on a horse.  Everyone’s shocked and confused.  And by everyone, I mean me.  Carter rides after her and they talk about her quest to find her father.  Carter reminds her that her father didn’t want to see her.  But now Carter wants to make out with her and he gets his way and into her pants.  Somehow, Carter winds up shirtless and alone, with no sign of Serena.

Back at the match, Vanessa is all snotty with Dan and he’s snotty back at her.  I like it when these two fight.  It makes Vanessa almost interesting.  Also interesting, this relationship dynamic between Blair and Chuck: they’re almost good together in a mutually assured destruction kind of way, even as they realize they don’t need games to know how they feel about each other.  Well, they don’t need games with a third party: they’ve moved over to her playing the bitchy restaurant customer and him being the ever friendly maitre d’ who works hard for his tips.

We end with Vanessa and Scott hooking up, Nate and Bree hooking up in the car he decided to keep, and Rufus not hooking up (Lily is still visiting her sick mother) but buying up all of the photos of Serena.  But Serena’s got her own plan, she’s been paying one of the photographers to put the photos of her in all of the foreign papers, hoping that her father will see her in one of them.

Next week the college year starts and Georgina Sparks is Blair’s new roommate.  How will our former Queen B survive?

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 3, Episode 1: Reversals of Fortune (originally aired September 14, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Tim’s Take.  First we see Althea’s simple black skirt with cigarette jacket (a/k/a a smoking jacket), which Tim likes but thinks she should lose the cummerbund look.  Then we see Christopher with “a bold color” green, and Tim just laughs at the suggestion that she’ll look like a salad.  Epperson talks about flowing punk and Tim’s talking about punky tigers, I think he likes it.  Qristyl’s design gives Tim concern over her messiness, in that it looks like she’s been rolling around in bed.

After Tim leaves, we see Epperson crying and talking with his family on the phone.  Based on past seasons, this usually means he’s going home.  On the other hand, we’ve really been focusing on him so maybe it means he wins.  This is me being decisive, people, okay?  Send in the models for their fitting because I need a break from the tedium of this episode.

Runway.  Heidi intros our judges for the week: Marc Bouwer, Zoe Glassner (filling in for Nina Garcia), and Jennifer Rade.  I like Shirin’s and that’s about it–I was concerned that so many of the designers couldn’t fit the bosom region of the models this week.  Heidi asks some designers to stay.  They like Carol Hannah’s but think Logan’s design is a little too prom-like.  I’ll note for the record that Logan is wearing a Seven Dwarfs hat and I’m not sure what that’s about.  Epperson goes over well but Heidi is concerned about whether his model’s bosom is perky and in the right spot (see, I told you so).  With Johnny, nothing is interesting except for the Macy’s Accessory Wall purse, and Heidi gives it the kiss of death by saying it belongs on a bridesmaid.  They rip Qristyl to shreds, noting that her model may like the dress but thankfully she’s not a designer because the outfit stunk.  And they all love Althea’s design but ignore that the design is more for a prostitute than a model, what with the mini-mini skirt and the breasts flailing about on the top.

Results.  Epperson is in (glad to know the editing isn’t as predictable this season), and Althea wins (WTF?!?).  It all comes down to Qristyl and Logan, and Logan is in and Qristyl is out.  And not a moment too soon for me as I was having trouble remembering how to spell her name week after week.  Overall, this was one of the dullest episodes in the six seasons of the show.  With twelve more designers to go, I hope this isn’t indicative of the rest of the season.

Next week: Tacky insects or words to that effect.

For another take on this episode, check out The One About the Models by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 4: What a Woman Wants (originally aired September 10, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

We begin with Mr. Schuester (hereinafter “Mr. Schu”) greeting his glee club members on the way into school.  They’re all very excited about the club.  Guidance counselor Emma is also excited that Mr. Schu is talking to her but Cheerios coach Sue wants to meet with Mr. Schu to talk about iron tablets to keep up your menstruation.  (Thankfully neither of them menstruate.)  Anyway, she points out that if glee club doesn’t get to regionals his program is canceled and he currently doesn’t have enough students to meet the minimum requirements.  She suggests he consult the special ed rosters.  Of course he knows she’s only doing this so she’ll get more funding for the Cheerios (and Mr. Schu can wash her underwear).  Anyway, he’s not backing down.

Finn’s having his own issues as his girlfriend, Quinn, is concerned people think Finn’s gay now for joining the glee club and she’s not cool with being a beard.  Rachel snaps at Quinn and walks off just in time for two slushies to go flying into her face.  And faster than Mercedes can say, “hell to the no,” our kids break into a rousing rendition of Chic’s “Le Freak.” The kids would prefer something more modern for the school assembly.  Mr. Schu disagrees.

Back in Mr. Schu’s personal life, he and his wife are buying a house so she can cut down her own Christmas tree and have her own craft room so she doesn’t go all Susan Smith on her unborn child (apparently postpartum runs in her family).  So on the house tour, the house is clearly too expensive for them even if they cut out Applebee’s.  Thankfully, Terri makes her Sophie’s Choice and wants the house anyway.  Mr. Schu relents.

At the next rehearsal, Mr. Schu is sticking with their disco routine but he’s open to some Kanye at regionals.  As the kids sing, “Gold Digger,” we get some clips of the Schusters planning their new house and some lackluster lip syncing we haven’t seen since Zac Efron in High School Musical.

Emma finds Rachel trying to throw up but unfortunately she doesn’t have a gag reflex, which Emma explains will be useful when she grows up.  Anyway, they after-school special a talk about bulimia, and it’s clear that Emma is projecting her issues for Mr. Schu on Rachel’s wanting to be thin to attract a boy, i.e., Finn.

We cut to a meeting of Finn, Rachel, Sue, and Mr. Schu with Principal Figgins about Finn and Rachel using the Cheerios photocopy machine (paid for by alumni donations) to make 17 flyers for the glee club.  Ever the King Solomon, Figgins has the kids pay back the $2.00 in copy costs but justice wept for Sue, who has to clean up her own spilled protein shake off the floor (she gets Figgins to do it after a note from the school nurse).  As further aggravation to Mr. Schu, he takes a bath with his wife and explains he can’t find a second job to afford the new house; she doesn’t like that answer and has a mild meltdown.  So the next day he asks Figgins to take a nighttime janitor position (at half salary) to please his Lady Macbeth of a wife.

To get closer to Finn, Rachel joins the Celibacy Club but the girls and boys meet separately for the first half hour of the meeting.  The girls talk about keeping their nether-regions pure while the boys (namely Finn) discuss dead kittens and premature ejaculation during grinding.  When the genders reunite they practice dancing with a balloon between them, an angel dies when Finn’s balloon pops. Rachel uses this as an opportunity to talk about the c-word (contraception) and she storms out.

In similar sexual tension between genders, Mr. Schu and Emma talk about their problems while he’s moonlighting as the janitor.  He puts some chalk dust on her nose to see if she can tolerate a minor mess.  It’s awkwardly intimate because he’s married; she realizes this and leaves quickly.

Rachel, a/k/a the Eva Peron of the Glee Club, gavels in a club meeting to say they’re going to give the school a sexy show at the assembly.  At the assembly, the curtain pulls back to the kids singing a knee pad-clad version of Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It.” Mr. Schu is shocked at the new routine; Sue is shocked at Figgins’s toe tapping to the beat.  Rachel must like it as well because she gets to grind up and down on Finn for most of the song.  The students erupt into cheers and this just lands another meeting in Figgins’s office with Mr. Schu and Sue.  Sue has not seen anything this offensive in all her years of teaching, which included an elementary school version of Hair. Figgins isn’t cancelling glee club but he gives Mr. Schu a list of new approved songs and cuts more of Sue’s budget for new uniforms for glee club.  Mr. Schu is, in a word, upset.

In a private rehearsal session, Finn and Rachel flirt and sing.  After one round of virgin cosmopolitans, he’s on top of her and they’re making out. Yes, it happens that fast.  He needs to leave in a hurry (see above about his rubbing issues) and tells Rachel not to tell anyone about what happened.  Quinn is up to no good when she and two other cheerleaders decide they want to join glee club; we know this is just a ruse so she can keep an eye on Finn.  They audition with “I Say A Little Prayer” and it’s a cute number with decent lip syncing.  While initially upset about this development, Sue is glad she has some spies in glee to help bring down the club.

We end with Mr. Schu getting the brush off from Emma (thanks to a comment to back off from Coach Ken) and he’s disappointed.  He heads home and his wife lies about what happened at the gyno–she’s really only having a hysterical pregnancy, i.e., she’s not really pregnant; however, she pretends she’s having a boy and compromises by telling Mr. Schu to give up the janitor job because she doesn’t want the new house.  And Rachel sings us out with Rihanna’s “Take a Bow” after Mr. Schu tells her he’s giving the new solo to Quinn.

And there you have it Gleekers, the first official episode of the new season. Some good stuff in here, even if at times the story dragged over the whole hour.  I’m glad to see they’ve found a good way to hook the character of Sue into the plot and not relegated the brilliant Jane Lynch to a few minutes each week.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 2: Showmance (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Heidi sends the designers on a field trip where they need sunscreen and it’s a place you have to see before leaving California.   No, it’s not Planet Hollywood; it’s the beach and Tim in flip flops and a blazer.  He tells them they are to create a fun and fashionable surfwear look.  There’s a product placement for Garnier’s celebrity stylist Philip Carreon and we don’t care because this is a fashion design competition not a hair stylist competition (that’s still on Bravo).  Anyway, this is a team challenge and they will work in pairs.  Tim selects people to be team leaders who pick their partners.  Of note, Mitchell picks Ra’mon because he thinks Ra’mon can “carry [him] in this challenge.”  Boy he didn’t learn anything from the last two challenges.

They caucus and talk with surfers, where Mitchell learns what a Brazilian bikini is (sorry, keeping it family friendly with no links) and he fondles someone’s breasts.  Qristyl does not like how her partner Epperson isn’t respecting her as the team leader, well if she keeps reminding him about being team leader I can see why they’re having issues.  While that tension simmers, we head to Mood where Team Drama (a/k/a Mitchell and Ra’mon) are already having issues.  This is what’s fun about the early challenges: planting the seeds of problems to come later in the season.

Back at the studio, amazing Nicolas is creating an amazing silhouette and an amazing swimsuit.  While I consult an amazing thesaurus, Qristyl and Epperson are downing Tylenol so they can deal with each other.  But hold that thought, Mitchell yells when Ra’mon is talking to someone while he works.  I guess he’s not allowed to talk while Mitchell’s napping on his coat tails.

Tim walks in and capital W-T-F: they need to design a second avant garde design to complement the surfwear design.  Some more footage at Mood and Qristyl keeps talking about being the captain while Epperson and I roll our eyes.  Nicolas’s avant garde is looking a little, how you say, whorish and Mitchell talks about not knowing how to sew.  Ra’mon is concerned (and growing in frustration) because he seems to be doing most of the work.  As a brief diversion, Carol Hannah’s model, Erika, is going all big beef and cheddar in an Arby’s commercial so Carol Hannah needs a new model.  (You would have known more about this if you were watching Models of the Runway.  Yes, I’m watching it.  Don’t judge.)

Tim’s Take.  He loves what Johnny’s doing.  He all but calls Qristyl and Epperson’s pull-away dress as something for a strip tease.  His “what is that” to Ra’mon’s jump/scuba suit does not go over well, and Ra’mon decides to go in a different direction.  The other designers get minimal attention, so we know they’re safe this week.

The next day Mitchell wonders if the three strikes rule applies to Runway.  We shall see but Ra’mon looks defeated as he’s working to finish up both of his team’s designs.  What Mitchell is doing, we do not see, but Tim calls out Ra’mon on whether he’s going to finish.  Let’s just head to the runway.

Runway.  Heidi introduces this week’s judges: Max Azria, Nina Garcia, and Rachel Bilson.  I like Mitchell and Ra’mon’s beachwear outfit; I don’t get their avant garde number.  I think Shirin and Carol Hannah’s and Christopher and Logan’s outfits are the best (plus Althea and Louise’s avant garde design).  This usually means the judges will pick someone else.  And that’s exactly what they do.

First we hear from Johnny and Irina.  Nina loves the macrame on the back.  Then Ra’mon explains the designs for his team.  Heidi wants to hear what Mitchell has to say and asks what he did on these outfits.  Heidi calls b-s on what he’s saying and Ra’mon says he did most of the work.  In come the losers: Qristyl begins her speech with another reminder about how she was the team leader.  She and Epperson bicker in front of the judges and it’s very unprofessional, I’m sure.  Nina does not look amused; she is also not amused by their beachwear.  Finally, Heidi thinks Nicolas’s avant garde look was not classy; Max just things it’s not good.

Privy Council.  They are loving on Ra’mon’s avant garde look and I’m still not getting it.  Heidi explains that on Runway you actually need to work and she’s unsure how she’s supposed to judge Mitchell for doing nothing.  Max notes that Qristyl was weak and Epperson took advantage of the situation–but Epperson’s work was good.

Results.  Heidi names Ra’mon the winner because he did all of the work even though he wasn’t the team leader.  He gets immunity for the next challenge.  For some reason, he interviews about having a recount.  Anyway, she excuses Irina, Johnny, Nicolas and Jordana.  At this point Mitchell should be sweating bullets, especially when Heidi also sends Epperson out.  It’s coming down to Mitchell and Qristyl.  Will bad leadership prevail over doing nothing?  Per Heidi, never before in Project Runway has someone from a winning team been sent home . . . until tonight.  Mitchell is out.

Next week: I think we’re getting a prom dress challenge and someone makes someone look older than her 16 years.

For another take on this episode, check out I Look Cool But It’s So Effortless, I Don’t Care by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 3: Rumble on the Runway (originally aired September 3, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

Meet Mary Magdalene Horowitz (Bullock), cruciverbalist (i.e., crossword puzzle writer) for the Sacramento Herald, social misfit, tubist (yeah!), and geeky lonely woman.  Mary’s parents set her up on a date with Steve (Cooper), a cameraman for cable news reporter Hartman (Thomas Hayden Church).  Mary is so taken by Steve’s physical appearance (and we certainly don’t blame her) that she throws herself at him.  Steve, while at first interested, quickly calls it off when he’s creeped out by Mary’s incessant spouting off of random facts.  Because he wants to be a good guy, he doesn’t outright reject Mary; instead, he tells her that he has to run out of town on assignment and that he wishes she could go with him.  So when Mary creates a crossword puzzle dedicated to Steve (e.g., 1-Across is Steve’s eye color), she’s fired from her job and heads out on a journey to follow Steve around the country.  And along the way she not only finds Steve but she also finds . . . herself.

And what a journey–a long, drawn out journey.  While there were some good comedic moments, I felt the whole film dragged on a bit for no apparent reason (except for a cool tornado effect) since the real character growth occurred only in the last ten minutes.  At the same time, Steve’s increasing paranoia for Mary was underdeveloped in that there was no development, just a sudden occurrence like turning on a light bulb.

Still Sandra Bullock showed (again) she can make an enjoyable film and play a new type of female who beats to a different drum (e.g., Speed, While You Were Sleeping, The Net, While You Were Sleeping, Miss Congeniality, Two Weeks Notice, The Proposal).  Bradley Cooper, while he’s come a long way from Wet Hot American Summer and Alias, has been perfecting the role of the jerky guy’s guy (e.g., Wedding Crashers, The Hangover, Nip/Tuck), and I look forward to seeing him in more substantial leading roles in the near future.

As a subplot, the film presented a satirical look at the superficiality of the television news media.  Whether it was a reporter learning what it was like to be Mary by literally walking a mile in her red boots or Hartman exploiting Mary’s insecurities in hopes of creating a story about Steve’s stalker, the news media is the repeated butt of the jokes.  And rightfully so.

As you can see, I’m mixed on this film.  I saw it Friday afternoon after an early dismissal from work.  It was a decent matinee and I think others would enjoy it in a similar context.

We begin with a wake up call to the designers that this is a competitive show and people will be sent home if the judges don’t like their designs.  That and they’re shocked to find gambling in this establishment.  As Malvin bites an apple whilst leering at Logan in a very modern form of the Garden of Eden, Heidi and her leopard print go-go outfit introduces this week’s challenge: create an actual look for an actual supermodel and television star and it must be formfitting.  In walks a very pregnant Rebecca Romijn, who we all know was pregnant with twins some time ago during her Ugly Betty sabbatical and before her husband starting going to law school.

The designers head back to their room and install fake baby bumps on their dress forms.  Gordana explains where the bump goes in relation to the boobage because she’s been pregnant twice (an odd phrasing).  Anyway, they head to Mood and you know the drill.  You also know the drill where we run through what all of the designers are doing, or at least the designers in the top and bottom groups.  So let’s just skip to Tim’s Take.

Tim’s Take.  Tim is confused by Althea’s evening gown for lunch thing.  He is equally concerned about Louise’s 1920s nightie-like ditty.  Mitchell and Tim are concerned that Mitchell’s model not come out naked again like last week.  He likes Shirin’s idea of include a jacket, provided she does it right.  Then we get to Malvin’s Mother Hen thing and Tim is as complementary as he could be with this outfit; note that he’s “not bored.”  We get to Ra’mon’s dress with panels and there’s a constructive back and forth with Tim, and a subtle dig at Ari who went home last week.  After Tim leaves, Mitchell tells Ra’mon that his dress makes the bump look like a bowling ball.  Then he takes it back after Ra’mon freaks out.  Let’s send in the models while I take a breather and skip the size zero models getting stomachs for probably the first time in their lives.

The next morning Malvin is concerned that his “little egg nest” is not literal enough.  Oh boy.  Ra’mon reminds us of Stella when someone hammers leather and I need to excuse myself to cry in the corner.  In come the models for final fitting and off to the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Room and the Garnier Hair Studio.

Runway.  Heidi introduces the judges: Nina Garcia; Monique Lhuillier; and Rebecca Romijn, who’s wearing a beautiful dress.  (Where’s Michael Kors?)  I won’t go through them all but some of them are pleasantly surprising.  What’s most amusing is seeing the models wear these fake stomachs.  Maybe they should do a Big Momma fat suit one time; the panel could be Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, and critically-acclaimed sociologist Tyra Banks.

Evaluation.  Heidi calls out those who are staying and Qristyl shouts out that she’s safe.  We begin with Ra’mon (and his douchy wool cap and scarf) and his purple cocktail dress.  Monique thinks it’s too busy, with sloppy construction.  Nina and Heidi think there are arrows pointed at the stomach.  Rebecca likes Louise’s lingerie-style piece that she would wear on a date with her husband; Heidi thinks the tiers would accommodate the different trimesters.  Rebecca loves the lines on Althea’s evening gown, which Monique thinks is “perfections.”  Malvin tries to explain his salute to poultry.  Nina thinks the feathery look is very beautiful but she does not like the sling; Heidi thinks it looks too much like an egg.  No one likes Mitchell’s shorts–she’s a mess, per Nina and Heidi, and Rebecca all but says there’s something to be desired in the execution.  We end with Shirin’s jacket and dress combo and Monique suggests she get into the maternity business.

Privy Council.  They did not like Ra’mon’s bowling ball.  Mitchell’s problem is poor construction because shorts aren’t that difficult to make.  Perennially pregnant Heidi thinks no woman wants to be referred to as a chicken, so that ends Malvin’s chances.  They think Shirin’s was just beautiful and the most wearable.  Althea’s was similarly very flattering of the form.  Louise isn’t going to win but Rebecca still liked it.

Results.  Louise is safe and Shirin wins.  I like to think it was a close call between her and Althea, so of course Althea is also safe.  Ra’mon is in.  It comes down to Malvin and Mitchell.  With Mitchell’s second time in the bottom two, who will it be?  Malvin’s “chicken-egg concept” was too bizarre and Mitchell was sloppy and unacceptable.  Malvin is out and Mitchell “just squeaked by,” for Heidi.  Back in the room, Malvin says he was “too conceptual for America.”  I’d add “and good taste” to that sentence.

So the two most “out there” designers are already off the show and I’m pleased again.  Now the real question is whether Mitchell will be this season’s Wendy Pepper?  Discuss.

Next week: Team challenge!

For another take on this episode, check out She’s a Pregnant Mess by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 2: We Expect Fashion (originally aired August 27, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime

In preparing for Tom’s trial, Morgana searches his forge and finds the magical stone.  She is intrigued and tells Merlin about Uther’s planned kangaroo court.  Still outraged, Morgana slips Tom the key to his cell, but his escape does not last long; he is caught and is executed on the spot.  Gwen is, how you say, upset or something.  There’s a lot of over-the-top screams, that’s all I know.

Morgana, the new voice of reason and outrage, raises her objections to Uther, who responds by throwing her in the dungeon for the night.  While Morgana sulks, Gwen is threatened by Tauren to get the stone back, otherwise he’ll kill her in two days.  The next morning Gwen tells newly-released Morgana about her attack by Tauren.  Morgana takes the stone and goes to meet Tauren in Gwen’s place.

In the woods, Tauren freaks her out.  Thankfully, Merlin follows her and overhears her tell Tauren that she is also an enemy of the king and wants him dead.  Struggling with what to do, Merlin seeks counsel from the Great Dragon, who would be pleased as punch to let Uther and the ban on magic die.  Merlin still doesn’t like this answer, even though the dragon makes some good points about tyranny and all.

Merlin broods over his difficult decision and yet Morgana appears to offer a reconciliation with Uther.  They agree to meet at her father’s grave the next morning, where Uther breaks down remembering Morgana’s father and his loyalty.  Merlin decides he must save Uther and heads to the grave with the magical staff.  Morgana is touched by Uther’s words and changes her mind when Tauren appears.  Uther and Tauren struggle until Morgana creeps up and stabs Tauren dead.  Merlin and his staff, while effective against some redshirts, are irrelevant.

INTERMISSION

Arthur, Merlin, and their hunting party discover some weird creature that was the product of a cobra, turtle, jaguar, and Megalon fourgy.  They run but Merlin learns from Camelot’s favorite quizmaster Gaius that the creature is a Questing Beast.  We (and Merlin) also learn that the creature last appeared before Uther’s wife (and Arthur’s mother) died, and Uther orders the creature be killed the next morning.  During that fight, though, Arthur is bitten by the creature, Merlin uses magic to kill the beast, and he drags Arthur back to Gaius for treatment.  Merlin again uses magic to save Arthur–racing against time before Uther arrives and over Gaius’s objections.  But as we’ve heard all season, it is Merlin’s destiny to save and protect Arthur.

Uther is not as optimistic and has a breakdown in the middle of court as Arthur’s body is dragged away.  Are we going to have another Denethor-Faramir not-dead-yet thing?  Ponder that reference while Merlin goes to the Great Dragon for counsel.  Because Arthur is only mostly dead, there’s still hope that Merlin can get him some of that Old-Time Religion on the Isle of the Blessed.  Gaius thinks it is a waste because the old religion people will simply trade Arthur’s life for another life.  And since Gaius objects, Merlin is certain to go on this quest.

At the Isle, Merlin receives from Nimueh the cup of life (a/k/a the Holy Grail), which will save Arthur if he drinks water from the cup.  He agrees to exchange his life for Arthur’s and leaves with the holy water.  Upon his return, he gives Arthur the water and Gaius makes up a story about what the substance really is, i.e., that it’s not magical.  In a creepier moment of the episode, trance-like Morgana tells Merlin, “Neither shall live while the other survives,” or something–I wasn’t paying much attention.  Anyway, Arthur wakes up and appears fully recovered enough to have awkward flirty banter with Gwen.

That night we see a figure sulking about the castle.  In the morning, Merlin discovers it was his mother and she is collapsed on the floor, dying.  Angered by some perceived deception by the deceptive Nimueh, Merlin yells at the Great Dragon.  The Dragon doesn’t take too kindly to this and tries to attack Merlin, after Merlin doesn’t want to hear another speech about his destiny.  Merlin tells the Dragon to rot and stomps out.

To save his mother’s life, Merlin wants to go back to the Isle to give his life to Nimueh.  Before he can go, Gaius sneaks out and leaves a note saying he’s old and will sacrifice himself for Merlin. Naturally, Merlin follows (after telling Arthur he’ll be a good king and to not be a prat–wise words, indeed).  In the final confrontation on the Isle, Merlin and Nimueh battle after Gaius apparently dies.  Merlin conjures lightening and strikes Nimueh dead.  Since she’s fulfilled the wergeld in this medieval equation, Gaius comes back to life and the Dragon throws a hissy fit.

Our season ends with another prophetic dream from Morgana, which means there’s a season two of this show.  With luck, NBC won’t pick it up even as a summer program.  And as I’ve said all along, if a LOTR-loving, medieval history studying, Renaissance Faire going person like me can’t get into this show, Camelot is truly dead, and with a 0.9 and 1.1 rating (that’s 0.9 and 1.1 percent of all households watched the show) on a major network, that’s pretty accurate.

For another take on this episode, check out The Grand Finale by Stephanie Jaar.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episodes 12 & 13: To Kill the King & Le Morte d’Arthur (aired August 23, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Nick Briggs

Let’s meet our designers.  First up, Ra’mon the former med student, then Logan (Matthew Lillard’s stunt double), and Johnny who didn’t get on two former seasons because of his former meth addiction. Speaking of formers, Gordana is formerly from the potatoes and corn raising former Yugoslavia.  Malvin introduces a dash of androgyny and hair that makes Christian Siriano’s look conservative.  Carol Hannah works with pixies and woodland fairies or something, Qristyl designs for all sizes but the photos just look like colorful muumuus, and Shirin (dolce in Farsi)  makes multipurpose clothes.  Then we have Feather Prince Nicolas, Mitchell who knows what women like, and single-named Epperson (meaning he’ll either be really good or a diva).  Finally, we meet Christopher of Minnesota who will someday be amazing (and apparently this is his “someday”), Ari who wants clothing with water filtration systems, Althea whose intro moved too fast for me to write anything down, Irina’s dog-inspired totes, and Louise Black of the (hopefully) Kenley-free 1920s.

They all convene on the roof for the annual champagne toast with Heidi Klum and the distinguished and very handsome man, Tim Gunn.  The next morning they will join Tim for their first challenge.

Welcome to the next morning!  The designers arrive at the red carpet of the 60th Annual Emmy Awards (so this was filmed in September 2008).  Their first challenge is to create a red carpet look representing their point of view as a designer.  These “point of view” challenges either go really well for people or are total disasters.  As this is the first episode, I’m expecting more disasters.

Tim escorts them to the design room with windows.  Already, they’re at a huge advantage over former contestants who used to work in the sensory-deprived rooms of Parsons.  As I admire the new set, Ari interrupts to say her model has “got big feet like me.” (“Yeeaaaah,” says Tim.)  Oh she’s going to be a fun one, as she announces she doesn’t sketch, opting instead to do a headstand before they head to an annex of Mood to pull fabrics.  And before Qristyl cuts someone with scissors, they head back to FIDM and freak out.  Johnny is so overwhelmed he steps out to contemplate whether he’ll continue in the competition.  Enter Tim for a “very special moment” as he talks Johnny off of the figurative ledge.  Hugs!  Johnny gets his head back in the game and life goes on.

Tim’s Review.  He meets with Christopher who just throws words out there, and Tim thinks he needs more style to avoid the cruise cocktail waitress motif.  With Ari, she’s designed a Buckyball-style dress, which Tim thinks is a halter diaper.  Ra’mon and Tim talk about big butts (and they don’t lie!), and then Tim all but calls Mitchell’s work, “dated.”  Qristyl enjoys one of Tim’s long awkward pauses and then the models rush in for the fitting.  At this point, I’ll mention Lifetime is airing a new Runway-related show, Models of the Runway, which tells each weekly episode from the perspective of the models.  I suppose that’s interesting, but who wants to see the furniture talk, right?  Right?!?

Morning of the Runway Show.  Mitchell’s in trouble because his model is too large for his outfit and he has to design it with minimal fabric.  Tim introduces the return of the Macy’s Accessory Wall, plus the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Room and the Garnier Hair Studio (replacing the Tresemme Hair Studio, ooh la la).

Runway.  Heidi intros top American designer Michael Kors; fashion director for Marie Claire Nina Garcia; and the lady who put TMZ on the map, Lindsay Lohan (hereinafter “Li-Lo”) with crazy hair extensions.  Althea very glamorous, Malvin’s misfitted, Mitchell’s looks good from the front but there’s too much pantyline when the model turns around.  Christopher cries his eyes out when his outfits comes down the runway, it’s good but not tear-worthy.  So far, I’m rather impressed with everyone I’ve seen.  Somehow I think this is going to come down to hem and other technical things that won’t translate onto my screen.  At least until I saw Ari’s outfit, blech!  And there’s too much boob double-sided tape needed to hold in Johnny’s model.  Carol Hannah presents interesting texture, but we forget about it when we see Qristyl’s purple monster and Logan’s salute to Grace Jones.

Heidi dismisses almost all of them for the evaluation.  We begin with Qristyl, who says she designed it for someone like Miley Cyrus or Li-Lo, and Li-Lo snickers/vomits in her mouth.  Kors thinks she’ll get killed by the tabloids.  Kors thinks Christopher’s outfit is cute and edgy; the others all agree.  Ra’mon also scores well with the panel, with high praise from Heidi for making something look so expensive on a limited budget.

Nina asks Ari what red carpet her model is walking.  The answer?  “The VMAs, like 2080.  I want her to also go and receive her Nobel Peace Prize on the same night.”  Kors thinks she looks like a disco soccer ball, and the model laughs.  Without a hint of irony, Li-Lo lectures Ari about appropriateness and self-awareness.  We hear patronizing comments about respecting and appreciating her vision, which us Southerners would substitute with, “Bless your heart.”  (Note: It’s not a compliment.)

I’m shocked that they like Johnny’s as much as they do, except the color is too much for them.  Finally, we come to Mitchell who makes excuses for his model’s lying about her size, which according to Heidi is de rigueur for the industry.  Nina thinks it’s unwearable but she likes his attitude.  Kors thinks it is a cool nightgown “with a glass of brandy and the fireplace going.”

Privy Council.  Ra’mon is safe, as is Johnny.  Heidi would wear Christopher’s above all of them.  In the worst dressed, Kors is concerned about Qristyl’s eye and he wonders whether Ari is on another planet, too smart for them to get.

Results.  Johnny is in.  Christopher wins.  Cue the tears!  I think he’s our crier this season.  Ra’mon and Qristyl are in just because it’s taking me the whole hour to figure out how to spell their names correctly.  Heidi tells Ari she missed the box completely (vice thinking outside of it) and Mitchell gave too many excuses.  And Ari is out.  Good!   After suffering through seasons of Jubilee Jumble (no, I can’t believe I went there so early this season) and the Spitter, I’m glad they got rid of the spacey chick so early.

Next week: Design a garment for a real, big celebrity.  If this were Bravo, it would be The Real Housewives of Orange County, but since it’s Lifetime, maybe it will be the star of Drop Dead Diva.

For another take on this episode, check out Attack of the Disco Soccer Balls by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 1: Welcome to Los Angeles! (Originally aired August 20, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro

Our remaining three chefs, Michael, Hubert, and Rick, head out to The Getty Villa where Kelly tells them that their last challenge will be about history . . . their history.  In short, they are to create a four course meal based on their lives: (1) their first food memory, (2) the dish that made them want to be a chef, (3) something representing their first restaurant, and (4) where they’re going in the future.  Joining the diners will be the usual critics, plus some old favorites: Tom, Gail (!), Padma, and the previous winners of Top Chef.  While we ponder the challenge, the chefs eat and talk about their childhoods while we see awkward childhood photos.  Of note, Rick has always had fun facial hair.  We later see that Hubert also had a full, dark beard at one point, and Michael looks the same as he did when he had darker hair.  (Michael’s later photo of his “fro” period, though, wasn’t so hot.)

And then it’s time for a surprise.  They play a DVD of their respective sous-chefs wishing them good luck.  And then the doors open up and in walks their sous-chefs to help them out.  Michael is so happy he sings the theme from Mighty Mouse.  Haven’t heard that one in a long time.  Anyway, cooking, cooking, more fun old photos, Rick throws a pig’s head on the table, and Hubert’s talking about sucking garlic.

Service.  Instead of talking about the dishes, I’m going to dish on the Top Chefs.  I think this is the first time Ilan has been on this show and not looked like a tool.  Progress!  Our other Top Chefs are looking interesting.  Harold seems wise looking, like he’s over all of this, and I wonder if he really is.  Still, he’s still the classiest cheftestant ever to be on the show.  Hung seems quiet and I barely recognized Stephanie.  Hosea finally speaks but they cut away fast.

The second dishes have very interesting presentations, including Michael serving his food in a mason jar with a decoupage underneath.  He explains it’s burnt copies of James Oseland’s magazine, Saveur.  James laughs.  I laugh and like Michael even more for this stunt.

By the third course, I really want to go to Hubert’s restaurant, hoping the dishes there are as creative and fabulous looking as what he’s presenting on the show.  And then Padma says some brilliant critiques that show how great she is on Top Chef and reminds me of how lousy the critics were with their comments on this show.

We end with Rick serving something he calls “air” but we just think of foams (where’s Marcel?).  Jay calls the foam granny panties or something wry and British.  I don’t get it so let’s get to the Critics’ Table and put this show to bed.

Critics’ Table.  We get the usual combo of ass kissing and slight criticism.  Except Gael loses it when talking about “air.”  She thinks it’s all a trick against her and she doesn’t like it.  It was the best ten seconds of her appearance on this show.

In the end, James feels so comforted by Hubert’s food, but it’s not enough for the win.  That goes to Rick, and after seeing him on this show, I plan to go to one of his restaurants the next time I’m in Chicago.  For those who care, Michael came in second and Hubert last by only half a star.  Whatever, Hubert is still awesome.

And that was the first season of Top Chef Masters.  Generally, I found it boring episode to episode until it got to the finals.  One thing I enjoy about Top Chef is watching the same chefs week after week develop and try new things in the unusual formats of the competition.  And as I’ve been complaining about all along, they either need to tell the critics to step up their criticism or they need to bring back the regular Top Chef judges, who manage to get more comments out than bland praise.

For another opinion on this episode, check out I Could Just Lick That Up by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 10: Top Chef Master (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

Elimination Challenge.  Create a five-course dinner party for Zooey Deschanel.  She’s a vegetarian but describes it as a vegan, and she’s allergic to gluten and doesn’t eat soy.  So that leaves a bowl of lettuce, right?

So they shop for produce and cook it up.  Of note, Michael juices a lemon with his mouth and Art talks about how gross rice milk ice cream is (it is!).

Service.  Zooey begins by talking about being so difficult but not as difficult as Michael’s pasta that won’t stop sticking.  Our regular critics are there plus some of Zooey’s friends and her mom.  Michael’s plating his pasta but the table starts to fall, thankfully the Angel de Hubert was there to help him.

Hubert goes first, after a waiter drops two of his plates.  He presents a timbale of avocado and asparagus.  The guests like it, even the one that doesn’t know how to hold her fork.  Anita offers a spicy grilled eggplant with lentil salad and cashew sauce; the reviews are mixed.  Michael serves his quinoa pasta with salsa verde and some dried heirloom tomatoes.  Zooey likes eating pasta again and it feels like coming home.  Her mother then says it’s a homecoming and Zooey snaps at her mother.  So far this is the most interesting acting work I’ve ever seen her do.

We move on to Rick’s corn tamales with braised beans and greens.  And finally, Art’s rice ice cream (rice cream?) with a champagne soup and almond brittle.  Zooey’s mother is reminded of Zooey’s birthday because Zooey likes strawberries.  Huh?  So they all don’t like the ice cream and Zooey thought he should have used coconut milk.  So this will come down to Art or Anita.

Critics’ Table.  Art and Michael get called out for using store-bought ingredients as the bases of their meals.  Of note, Art strongly defends his choices, and Gael pronounces “vegan” as “vigan” and she makes several cracks about vegan dietary habits.  In the end, Michael and his store-bought pasta win.  Art loses by half a star to Anita and he’s going home.

Next week: Losers from past Top Chef contestants come back and Dale (not the gay one) is a jackass to Michael.  It should be nice.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Crazy Vegans! by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 8: Dietary Restrictions (originally aired August 5, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

So onward and upward to this week: Nimueh summons some dead knight back to life, which puts a real damper on Arthur’s ceremony designating him crown prince of Camelot.  The Dark Knight is upset he wasn’t invited and crashes into the great hall, where he throws down the gauntlet (literally) and Sir Owain accepts the challenge to the death.  Merlin and I share a moment with a look of utter confusion on both our faces.  Gaius clears up all of the confusion because he recognizes the Dark Knight’s crest as belonging to Tristan Dubois, who Uther killed 20 years ago.  Oh wait, now magic agnostic Uther is confused because dead is dead.

During the break, I see a preview for Joel McHale and Chevy Chase‘s new show, Community, about a lawyer (Joel McHale) who needs to go back to get his degree.  Chevy Chase is on the faculty, and I’m tuning in to at least one episode because it’s Chevy Chase and he’s still funny.

Back on Merlin, Merlin and Arthur are trying to teach Owain how to fight.  Some would say he’s not a very good knight if he didn’t already know this.  Anyway, no one is surprised when the Dark Knight kills Owain.  The knight again throws down the gauntlet and an actual (as in ethnically) black knight takes up the challenge.  Merlin, as always, suspects foul play because he saw Owain deliver a fatal blow to the knight, only it didn’t take.  So Merlin and Gaius travel into the crypts under the castle and find that Tristan Dubois’s grave has been broken open.  Per Gaius, Tristan challenged Uther to a fight, Uther won, and Tristan cursed Camelot until he can take his revenge on Uther.  He accomplishes more “revenge” by killing knight number two, and this time more people see that the Dark Knight is impervious to attack.  Arthur missed that because he was flirting or something, and so he picks up the gauntlet and will fight the next day.

Gaius tells Uther that the Dark Knight is a wraith (not to be confused with a ringwraith) and he wants Uther to tell Arthur not to fight.  We learn that Tristan is Uther’s brother-in-law and he blamed Uther for his sister (and Arthur’s mother) dying in childbirth.  While this is going on Merlin again uses magic, but this time it doesn’t work: his ring of fire does not stop the Dark Knight (see, I told you he wasn’t a ringwraith).  Merlin warns Arthur but Arthur will not hear it.

On the other side of the castle, Nimueh approaches Uther and reveals that she conjured the Dark Knight as revenge for being banished from court.  And why was she banished?  Because she used magic to allow Uther’s barren wife conceive, but the wife had to die once Arthur was born.  Nimueh is glad that Uther will see death because of what he’s done to others.

Supersleuth Merlin works with Geoffrey of Monmouth for weapons that can kill wraiths.  The answer? A sword blessed by a dragon.  And here’s how John Hurt gets his paycheck for a few minutes of voiceover work.  To make a long story short, Merlin gets the weapon but only on the condition that the sword be used only by Arthur for its powers are great and will lead to great evil in the wrong hands.

Uther, in a moment of selflessness, gets Gaius to drug Arthur so Uther can fight the Dark Knight.  And it’s an intense battle but in the end Uther wins, of course, using the magical sword.  The Dragon is not pleased that Uther used the sword and he orders Merlin to hide the sword and its awesome magical powers.  Merlin throws it into a lake, where the sword remains until Deagol finds it during the Third Age.

So, I liked this week’s episode (by comparison, of course).  We had an interesting backstory,  some action, and a not completely hokey special effect when Tristan blew up.  And with only four episodes to go, it’s about time something picked up here.

For another take on this episode, check out Revenge of the Fallen by Stephanie Jaar.

Season 1, Episode 9: Excalibur (August 2, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Todd Antony, and Mike Hogan

Anyway, on this week’s snooze-fest, we open with Morgana’s dream about Arthur suspended in water like peaches in Jell-o.  Only it is not a dream but a vision.  It seems that Miss Morgana has had many of these visions and Gaius suspects she also has the magical gift like Merlin.

But before he comes to that realization, Arthur and Merlin save an old man (Aulfric) and his daughter (Sophia) from a team of bandits.  As usual, Merlin uses his illegal magic and no one is the wiser.  Arthur escorts the pair to Camelot, where they take up residence and Arthur insists on Sophia sleeping in the room next to him.  This just plays into Sophia’s plan to seduce Arthur.

Why, you ask?  Well, Aulfric and Sophia are banished Sidhe (pronounced “shee”) of Avalon, and the only way they can return is if they give the Sidhe the soul of a prince, specifically Arthur because he’s a dreamy prince or something.  Anyway, only Sophia can return because Aulfric killed another Sidhe and that’s how they roll.

So while Sophia enchants Arthur in the woods, Merlin has to cover for Arthur’s absence at court.  He’s rather unsuccessful about it and winds up in the stocks, where people throw fruit at him.  But fear not, Merlin likes balls flying at his face.

In the end, Merlin uses Sophia’s staff to blow up Aulfric and Sophia as they’re damning Arthur to the depths of Avalon.  It’s a pretty good effect and a bit like the exploding head bomb in Total Recall.  So Arthur is saved, thanks to Merlin’s magic.

Boy, you’d think magic could be used for good purposes what with all of the good deeds Merlin’s been up to so far.  Maybe Uther’s ban on magic is unreasonable.  And maybe I’m being facetious.

For another take on this episode, check out Pretty on the Outside, Evil on the Inside by Stephanie Jaar.

Season 1, Episode 7: The Gates of Avalon (aired July 19, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Nick Briggs

Quickfire.  Kelly (with a Klimt painting on her dress) tells them to turn a classic junk food item into an item of fine dining.  The judges are crazy man Jeff Lewis and his lackeys from Bravo’s Flipping Out . . . because they eat junk food on the show.  What’s next?  Create cocktails for the Real Housewives of New York?!?  Lame!  Anyway, Rick doesn’t finish his dish and so he’s probably not going to do well.  Between Lachlan (hot dog), Michael (fish sticks), and Nils (fried shrimp), the judges like.  Please note that Jeff giggled when someone said she liked Michael’s “balls” (in accurately describing his dish of fish balls).  Michael and his balls win!

Elimination Challenge.  Cook a three-course meal for 100 people.  The event is a party for Top Chef’s “biggest fans.” (No, I wasn’t invited.)  And once you finish laughing at that concept, note that it’s not a three-course meal but three types of hors d’oeuvres.  At the Whole Foods, we see the chefs are going to do a dessert for their third course . . . take note, regular Top Chef contestants, you need to be able to do desserts.

Service.  We begin with Michael saying, “If I had a smile like yours, I wouldn’t have to cook for a living.”  I’ll need to remember that one.  Sweet P from Project Runway 4 is apparently one of Top Chef’s biggest fans, who knew?  I believe I see Jerell (Project Runway 5) in the background as well.  So it’s not all Top Chef fans, but also people from other Bravo shows?  Ok, I’m not bitter.  But Gael doesn’t like lawn cuttings in Michael’s ice cream and Jay compares proper panna cotta to breasts.  Well, that would have been good to know during the fetish dessert party challenge of Season One.

Critics’ Table.  First things first, Gael’s hat isn’t offending me this week.  Second, I wish Gail Simmons (or someone who’s not afraid to be critical to the chef’s faces) were back on the panel this week.  Anyway, no one giggled when Lachlan said he “boned out” his meat but I guess this panel is more mature than the earlier crowd.  The back and forth is uninteresting because these guys never say anything really critical until the chefs aren’t in the room; I guess they were raised right–only speak ill of people behind their backs.  And to be fair, the panel isn’t that bad but it’s a trend I’ve noticed in every week except when Gail told it like it is.

During the commercial, we see an outtake where Rick’s blender burps up in his face.  It looked better in the preview.  When we return, Rick beats Lachlan even though Rick received no points for the first round.  But it’s not enough to win, as Michael gets the highest score, with Nils tying with Rick.  Of note, Rick probably would have beaten Michael if he had served anything in the Quickfire, and he ends by saying he got the highest score from the people, kind of like the People’s Choice Awards, which we all know means the most because it’s from the people.

Next week: We fill our last spot for the six semi-finalists.

For another opinion on this episode, check out That’s What She Said… by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Miniaturize Me (originally aired July 15, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Edwin Muirden, sorcerer and Phantom understudy in the touring company of The Phantom of the Opera, curses a beetle that crawls into Morgana’s ear like the Ceti eel of Ceti Alpha V.  Gaius, court physician, can’t cure her but mystery man Edwin conveniently arrives at court and “cures” Morgana . . . by undoing his own actions.

After Merlin is assigned as Edwin’s “manservant,” Gaius either suspects Edwin’s a fraud or just a threat to his job.  Either way, he gets the court archivist to unseal the records of the Great Purge (a/k/a Let’s Go Burn Some Witches Day).  While he’s doing that, Merlin discovers that Edwin is a sorcerer and they bond over their secret.  (And with the introduction of the second closeted sorcerer, I remind everyone of my earlier rambling about Merlin’s journey being a pretext for homosexuality.)

Gaius, armed with his history lesson, confronts Edwin about his past.  Edwin’s parents were dark sorcerers executed during Uther’s Purge.  Edwin tried to save his parents but was burned; Gaius was his treating physician until Edwin up and left.  He’s back now to exact revenge on Uther, and since he knows Merlin’s secret, he’s blackmailing Gaius to keep his mouth shut.  This not only gets Gaius to stay quiet but it gets Uther to send Gaius out to pasture and to appoint Edwin the new court physician.

Uther, of course, played right into Edwin’s trap, for once Gaius is gone, Edwin gives Uther a paralysis-inducing potion and slips a magic beetle in his ear.  And because it’s too soon for Uther to die, Gaius has a change of heart and comes back to stop Edwin.  Edwin, though, tries some magic on Gaius and Merlin walks in, illegally uses his magic, kills Edwin, and saves Uther.  Surprise!

But since Uther thinks Gaius saved him, he makes Gaius a freeman of Camelot and Merlin gets the shaft (non-homoerotic, that is).

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 6: A Remedy to Cure All Ills (aired July 12, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Todd Antony

If the dozen or so people in my Saturday night, opening weekend showing is any indication, I Love You, Beth Cooper will be out of most respectable theatres in two weeks because I think two people walked out, six people were college kids glad to be away from their parents for the night, three people were drunk, and the rest of us write for Poptimal.com.  (And there aren’t enough Poptimal.com writers to fill another audience, regardless of sobriety.)  Regrettably, I was not one of the drunk ones or one of the people who left early.  And here’s why: But for my not walking out of

Still, the review must go on . . .

We open with high school valedictorian Denis Cooverman addressing his class by talking about the things everyone longs to say but cannot.  He does this by professing his love for head cheerleader Beth Cooper.  The opening was a good sketch and should have stayed a sketch because it could not carry the rest of the movie.  From there we see Denis and his best friend, Rich the homosexual, spend a crazy night with Beth Cooper and her two slutty friends.  The adventures begin with Denis’s father, played by Alan Ruck (who I know from seeing his stage, screen, and television work that he can do better than this garbage), telling Denis about condom use.  With the parents gone, things quickly spin out of control when Beth’s soldier boyfriend goes on a coke bender and trashes Denis’s house.  (Great way to portray our soldiers, jerks!)  Now, I wasn’t class valedictorian but even I know that you should call the police when someone breaks in and throws a microwave at your head.  But not Denis.  How wacky!  How irreverent!  How sophomoric!  Instead the Denis and Beth comedy tour drive all over the place and discover their real selves.  Or something, I don’t know, I was doing a crossword puzzle.

And to make matters worse, Chris Columbus directed this production.  Yes, that Chris Columbus, who directed one of my favorite movies–Mrs. Doubtfire–and the 1980s classic Adventures in Babysitting that launched the era Elisabeth Shue movies.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  (And I’m counting his two Harry Potter tragedies as well.)  But, in his defense, you can only do so much with an Swiss cheese-like storyline and actors that can’t carry their lines.  Snap!

One final objecting point.  I know Bruno is all the rage this weekend since it’s a celebration of at least two-thirds of the triumvirate of groups of people you can still make stereotypical jokes about without the social scorn or awkwardness: gays, people with disabilities, and Southerners/country folk.  So bring on the stupid gay jokes, I suppose, but in the character of Rich, there were few, if any laughs.  They want to do the gay best friend trope (AGAIN!), fine, but did we need the pervasive cracks about his sexuality?  No.  Did we need his kitschy movie quoting?  No.  Did we need the threesome to see if he was really gay?  No.  None of these things create character depth.  And aside from raising my blood pressure, I’ve now spent more time writing this review than I’m sure went into the script development.  So with that, I’ll end with the haiku I wrote after I finished by crossword puzzle:

No love for Cooper
No story, no humor
Rent Can’t Hardly Wait

Quickfire.  Kelly welcomes our contestants and wants them to each cook a dish with an egg–the hardest ingredient to use, especially when one hand is tied behind their backs.  As they cook, let’s laugh at the chefs handicapped while Mark Peel talks about his father only having the use of one hand (AWKWARD!).  John Besh is learning that the Top Chef ovens don’t work right and he scrambles (wocka, wocka!) to fix it and winds up with barely anything to serve.  But who is the bigger one-handed badass: Mark who made noodles or Anita who put cooked eggs back in their shell containers.  The judges, including the always irascible Gail Simmons, give the win to Anita with a maximum of five stars.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a dinner for Neil Patrick Harris and his magician guests at the Magic Castle.  Let the Doogie jokes begin!  Some creepy magician type (Max Maven) talks to them about tricks, I mean illusions (because a trick is something a whore does for money . . . or candy).  Anyway, there’s some trick (sorry!) where they each get a card with a word on it that they must use as inspiration for their dish: mystery, illusion, spectacle, and surprise.

After some talk from Mark about sabotaging the New Yorkers, the cooking begins.  And Chef Tom is back with his awkward banter while people are trying to work.  He makes a good point when talking with the camera: the Top Chef masters aren’t getting bogged down by the challenge, unlike the regular Top Chef guys.  In other words, the masters are professionals.

To the Magic Castle, or as Anita calls it, Hogwarts.  Unfortunately, the house elves aren’t available and these guys have to cook everything.  Plus house elves don’t use liquid nitrogen.  You don’t want to hear me describe plating so on to the service.

Service.  We meet Neil Patrick Harris, the magicians, and the panel of critics with Gail and Gael (looks like one of the magicians pulled Gael out of a hat).  Mark serves “mystery” with his food, which is served in a wrapped package.  John serves “surprise” and asks Neil to assist him as he makes a sorbet with liquid nitrogen.  Neil thinks something is to be desired in the execution.  Anita is by far the most creative with her “illusion” dish: it looks like a scallop but it’s really steak tartare with a seascape underneath making a crackling noise and a broth to give a sea smell.  Finally, Douglas serves “spectacle” but it’s not flaming like he wanted so his fire and ice motif doesn’t work.  Again, Neil talks about the lacking in the execution.

Critics’ Table.  We run down the line and Gail’s giving good criticism, at least more than the soft-touch comments we normally get.  So not much to say on this, except that Gail needs to be on more episodes.  In the end, Anita advances to the next round with her thoughtful display of illusion, over Mark as runner up.

Next week: A blender explodes!

For another opinion on this episode, check out Flaming Coconuts! by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 4: Magic Chefs (originally aired July 8, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

So Merlin, grateful for his new bromance with Lancelot, forges some patents of nobility for Lancelot to compete to be a knight.  With Gwen taking good measure of Lancelot’s, ahem, inseam, Lancelot stick fights with Arthur and wins the respect of the prince.  (You Arthurian folklorists must love the metaphors in these two scenes.  And for those not in the know, Arthur and Gwen marry and she has an affair Lancelot, who is Arthur’s best friend and most trusted knight.)  Anyway, Lancelot is knighted after he fends off another attack from the griffin.

Of course King Uther, being the gloomy gus that he is, suspects Lancelot is not really noble and then strips Lancelot of his knighthood.  Again, Arthur doubts his father’s actions and allows Lancelot to join Arthur and his men as they head out to stop the griffin approaching Camelot.  Merlin also joins along because he knows (thanks to Gaius) that the griffin can only be killed by magic.  Will Merlin use his magic?

For those who’ve been following these episodes, you will not be surprised to learn that Merlin again uses magic to help Lancelot kill the griffin.  Lancelot, being smarter than the inbred nobility, figures out Merlin’s secret (not a stretch since he heard the incantation), but he promises not to say anything.

We end with Arthur getting in trouble (again) with his father the king, and Lancelot opts to leave Camelot and his new best buds.  I, for one, am disappointed since he was the first interesting thing to happen on this show.  May he have a swift return.

Until next week, huzzah!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Lancelot (aired July 5, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Nick Briggs

Take our first story of the week (cue the Top Chef knife).  Nimueh creates a monster from clay in the water supply of Camelot.  Once born, this monster poisons the water, causing a mysterious plague.  Through Gaius’s scientific method, he and Merlin deduce the water is tainted, but before they can find a cure, Gwen’s father falls ill.  Though he knows better, Merlin places some magical potpourri and makes a wish on Yankee Candle.  Voila!  Her father is cured but Gwen is accused of witchcraft.  She is freed when, after some more sage counsel from the dragon, Merlin and his new BFF Arthur team up to defeat the monster–again by Merlin using magic and Arthur either turning a blind eye or just being stupid.  With the plague over, Gwen is freed and Merlin’s secret lives another day.

I was quite bored during this episode because everything was predictable and too drawn out.  There was no suspense because I knew Gwen couldn’t die this early in the series, just like I knew Merlin’s secret wouldn’t be discovered even when he admitted to practicing sorcery.  This whole Merlin has a secret that no one can know business is painfully reminiscent of various independent films from the late 1990s about some gay guy struggling with his sexuality (often written in a very Mary Sue kind of way).  But maybe I’m just projecting here.

So what was next?  In our second hour, Nimueh is back and is going after Merlin–recall she saw how he thwarted her efforts last episode.  She arrives as a servant girl to Bayard, the king of Mercia, who’s forming a union with King Urther’s Camelot (it’s strictly platonic!).  At the ceremonial feast that night, Bayard presents two goblets to Urther and his son Arthur, but Nimueh tells Merlin that the goblet for Arthur is poisoned.  Merlin reveals the plan (and falls into her trap) and he is forced to drink from the goblet since he offended Bayard.  Of course, the goblet was poisoned and Merlin falls ill.  Clearly, Merlin chose poorly here.

Gaius, again with the science, figures out the poison and the cure.  Arthur, who’s gotten closer to Merlin as the dragon foretold, goes on the dangerous quest to recover the antidote.  But Gaius realizes that Nimueh is behind it all and worries that Arthur is headed into a trap.  And of course he is: Arthur finds a beaten maiden and agrees to help her (after he kills a big lizard).  But she also agrees to help him find what he needs in the caves . . . in the form of creepy spiders!  You see, as she explains to Arthur, it’s not her destiny to kill him.

Thanks to some telepathic connection, Merlin senses Arthur’s danger and conjures up an orb of light to help guide him out of the cave.  He returns to Camelot with enough time to have Urther crush the flower and imprison Arthur for disobeying him.  Gwen brings Arthur food and secretes some of the flower that Arthur saved.  Of course, she almost gets caught when the real food wench arrives (and the guard forgets how to run).

Back with Gaius, we are faced with the Jean Valjean dilemma: Gaius may need to use magic to save Merlin but magic is forbidden.  Gaius goes all civil disobedience and uses magic (while Gwen’s out of the room) to make the antidote.  Naturally, it works just in time for Merlin to make a sexually inappropriate comment about Gaius consoling Gwen, who clearly fancies Merlin.

So this episode was a little better because it had adventure (and that’s what makes these period pieces interesting).  But one thing (one thing?!?) is bothering me: Wouldn’t it be less confusing (and believable) if Nimueh appeared in different forms when she took on different roles (or at least an Alias-like wig)?  Oh and fun facts: Urther and Arthur are hard to spell correctly one after the other.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episodes 3 and 4: The Mark of Nimueh and The Poisoned Chalice (aired June 28, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Mike Hogan

Quickfire.  Kelly has the chefs draw knifes, with each knife having a color on it.  The chefs are to repeat the Season 2 challenge to create a dish based on their assigned colors.  Cindy is concerned because she’s old and Rick is concerned because he’s slow.  While I try not to read the subtitles when Ludo talks, I think this seems like an interesting group because after Cindy talks about how women weren’t always welcomed as chefs, Wilo decides to include edible flowers on his dish because the judging panel is composed only of women.  And it seems that Bravo only censors out English profanity, as we hear a big “Merde” from Ludo as he forgets a component of his dish.  After our colorful presentations, Wilod’s orange salmon dish wins the challenge, and you Top Chef fans will recall that the orange dish won the last time on this challenge.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a street food dish for Universal Studios attendees.  The catch is they must use a unique protein: beef hearts (Wilo), tongue (Rick, who says he loves to eat tongue), tripe (Cindy), and pig’s ears (Ludo).  Ludo rants about how he knows how to cook every part of any animal ever!  At Whole Foods, though, Rick questions what Ludo knows about quesadilla, and Ludo thinks Rick is copying him when Rick says he’s making tacos.  Apparently, it is on!

At Universal Studios, they have an hour to setup next to signs saying what gross animal parts they’re passing off to people.  They serve without complications, except for Ludo, who’s got a line forming because he’s so slow.

Critics’ Table.  Our usual panel is up and Gael’s gimmicky hat is front and center.  Again, they are impressed with what everyone did, even if some aspects fell flat.  Ludo is given the award for the most difficult ingredient, and with those lowered expectations, he did well.  But it is not enough to top Wilo’s winning hearts.

As an aside, I like that the judges can score individually instead of reaching a consensus.  Perhaps they can implement this system into the regular Top Chef, but then you cynics will say that then they can’t control who stays on for personality/ratings purposes.

Next week: Neil Patrick Harris!

For another opinion on this episode, check out Slipping The Diners Some Tongue… by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 3: Offal Tasty (originally aired June 24, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

We begin our tale with a young sorcerer, Merlin, arriving at Camelot and witnessing an execution for the crime of sorcery.  King Uther Pendragon outlawed sorcery when he assumed power twenty years ago, but now he’s celebrating or at least trying to until a witch makes a spectacle the likes of which we haven’t seen since The Princess Bride.

Anywho, Merlin presents himself to Gaius the apothecary after saving Gaius’s life with illegal magic.  We learn that Merlin was born with his magical powers and did not need to study at Hogwarts.   Our witch reappears, kills Lady Helen, and takes her place–you only can tell it’s not her if she looks in a mirror.

Meanwhile, Merlin is getting acquainted with his new position as Gaius’s apprentice.   He gets into a tussle with prince Arthur and winds up in the dungeon.  Merlin, either through magic or delusions, hears a voice calling for him, at least until Gaius gets him out of the dungeon and into the stocks.  Food fight! One person not throwing food is Gwen, who appears to have thing for Merlin.

But while we ponder whether a period drama BBC import was the best move for NBC this summer, NBC gives us a scene preview from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which comes out on July 15.

After the break, Merlin and Arthur fight, somewhat unfairly because Merlin is sneaking in magic to help him win.  At least until Gaius gives him a meaningful look and Merlin lets Arthur win.  Arthur is impressed.  Gaius, however, is not, but he wants Merlin to take of his shirt.  (Note: That’s not as homoerotic as it sounds.)

While everyone is asleep, Merlin hears a voice calling him (hint: John Hurt) and he leaves to investigate back in the dungeon where he first heard the sounds.  He travels underground into a cave, where he meets the last dragon.  It’s very Dragonheart, but the dragon talks about Arthur and Merlin being bosom buddies and how Merlin must help Arthur ascend to the throne.  Merlin is naturally confused, but the dragon tells him to talk to the fangs and flies away.  I fear this cryptic plot device will be a staple of this production, with unfortunately minimal development.

The next night, Lady Helen is to sing for the entire court.  Her singing is enchanting, so enchanting it puts all present to sleep and covered with cobwebs.  Well, everyone but Merlin because he’s smart enough to cover his ears.  Before she can stab Arthur, Merlin causes a chandelier to fall on her, thereby breaking the spell.  It’s not that easy, though, as she uses her last breath to throw a dagger at Arthur.  Merlin, who can’t use magic in front of everyone, pushes Arthur out of the way.  In return, Merlin is appointed Arthur’s “man servant.”  (Again, not as homoerotic as it sounds.)  And Gaius believes in the benefits of magic, evidenced by the book of spells he gives to Merlin.

/End of first episode./

Intermission!

Second episode.  We open with Knight Valiant getting a magic shield with snakes that will paralyze his opponent.  He arrives at Camelot to compete in the tournament.  Arthur is also preparing for the tourney–he fights the winner in the finale.  It looks like Merlin is also having his own competition with himself as he flirts with Gwen the blacksmith’s daughter.

Merlin uses his magical powers to clean Arthur’s equipment and to dress Arthur.  (Note that the scene was far less homoerotic than the way I described it.)  We don’t see Arthur fight because creepy knight in yellow (Valiant) uses his magical shield to defeat his opponent, Ewan, by having a snake come out of the shield and attack.  Of course no one sees this, except for Merlin who’s assisting Gaius in helping Ewan.

The next day, the tournament continues!  Valiant and Arthur finish their semifinals and will compete with each other. Merlin fears that Valiant will kill Arthur with the magical snake shield.  Merlin sneaks in, cuts a head off of the snake and returns to Gaius to make an antidote for the dying Ewan.  And of course Arthur is skeptical when Merlin tells him about all of this.

While Ewan recovers from the snake bite, another snake creeps in and kills him before he can testify against Valiant.  At court, Arthur presents evidence against Valiant but it is not enough without Ewan.  The king is furious with Arthur for relying on the word of Merlin, a mere servant.  Arthur chickens out and withdraws the accusation.  Of course this leads to a confrontation between Arthur and Merlin, which reminds me of the early struggles another pair of friends experience–new Kirk and Spock, of course.

Merlin returns to the dragon’s cave to hear more about Merlin’s destiny to protect Arthur.  Merlin, projecting the thoughts of the audience, doesn’t like being talked to in riddles.  Hear, hear!

When we come back from commercial, I finally realize the Merlin folks are using the same sound effect knife movement that they use on Top Chef.  Merlin is trying to animate an inanimate dog statue–somehow this will help protect Arthur in the final round against Valiant.  Morgana, the love object of Arthur, helps suit up Arthur before he goes to fight Valiant.

After Merlin finally turns the statue into a real dog, he runs to the contest, activates the snakes on Valiant’s shield, and exposes Valiant for his illegal use of magic.  Valiant tries to go down in a blaze of glory but instead Arthur kills him.  In the end, Arthur and Merlin make up and Merlin continues in Arthur’s service.

So, overall, this wasn’t that bad of an opening.  I confess the first time I watched it, my DVR skipped from one episode to the next and I missed about thirty minutes of explanation in the beginning.  I had already written off the show as even more confusing and boring than the last season of The Tudors, when I realized the mistake.  It’s funny how a story makes much more sense when it’s told in linear form with no skips.  For now, I’ll continue watching and suggest you do the same.  This is a BBC import and their work is usually good for an episode or two to figure out whether the concept is your cup of tea.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episodes 1 and 2: The Dragon’s Call and Valiant (aired June 21, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Todd Antony

Quickfire.  Kelly Choi has them create an amuse bouche using ingredients from a vending machine.  The judges for this round are three has-beens from season two: Ilan, Big Mouth Betty, and Michael (sans cold sore).  The chefs pick their items and start cooking.  Of note, Wylie always wanted to be an athlete and cooking was a close second, Suzanne doesn’t like the lack of fresh ingredients, and Elizabeth fires up the liquid nitrogen.  The panel selects Suzanne’s shallot rings and aioli as the top amuse bouche.

Elimination Challenge.  Cook dinner for the writers of Lost.  Kelly explains the show as being about plane crash survivors (if only it were that simple).  Because there’s no pantry on the Island, they can only use a list of pre-approved Dharma Initiative items, plus some Island-like proteins.  It is clear that these guys have no clue what happens on the show.

Service.  The same three critics from last week (including a new hat for Gael) are at the table, plus Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and other unnamed Lost writers.  Elizabeth presents boar and some other things.  Elliot presents a tuna trio, followed by Wylie’s roast chicken and other things.  There’s a catch: Jay doesn’t have chicken on his plate so he takes an extra from someone else’s place.  Finally, Suzanne serves what she calls a Christmas dinner on the Island, i.e., a little bit of everything.

Critics Table.  Again, everyone is so polite and respectful with everyone.  Had this been Top Chef, Tom would have blown a gasket if someone left part of a dish off of someone’s plate.  But that’s the extent of my criticism of what happened, except for the sheer boredom I felt while watching this week’s challenges.  In the end, Suzanne is crowned this week’s winner.

Next week: Eating things that are inedible.

For another opinion on this episode, check out This Wine Smells Like Tears by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 2: The Lost Supper (originally aired June 17, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

For Desmond

In our final episode of Pushing Daisies, we are treated to an entire episode focusing on the Darling Mermaid Darlings sisters, Lily and Vivian Charles.  For an emotional last time, the facts were these:

The Charles sisters go to the Aquacade to celebrate Chuck’s half-birthday.  Similarly, Chuck, Ned, Olive, and Emerson attend to cheer up Chuck.  Of course their visit is compounded when they almost run into the sisters.  The sisters also have momentary regret when they run into the headlining act, the Aquadolls–the rival sister synchronized swimming team featuring Blanche and Coral Ramona.

As Jimmy Neptune introduces the Aquadolls’ swimming interpretation of the Star Spangled Banner, the Aquadolls take to the pool. But before Esther Williams can piss herself, Bubba the Shark swallows Blanche whole as she splashes down from a dive.  But before the shark bait is cold, Jimmy Neptune approaches the Charles sisters about starring as the new headlining act at the Aquacade.

With the Charles sisters back in training, our investigative team of Emerson, Ned & Co. are on the case, questioning (and suspecting) Coral, Blanche’s ex-husband Shane Trickle, and Sid Tango.  All signs point to Coral, who’s trying to break up the Charles sisters so she can finally have her one-woman water interpretation of A Chorus Line.  Her strategy?  She threatens Lily with telling Vivian about Lily being Chuck’s mother (and the product of Lily’s affair with Vivian’s fiance Charles).

And while 30 years of secrets are catching up on Lily, Chuck is distraught at the prospect of her aunts going back on the Aquacade touring circuit because it means she won’t be able to look after them.  This creates some tension between Ned, until he realizes that no matter what Chuck will always choose her aunts over him.

But back to the murder investigation.  It turns out Shane Trickle planned the whole thing so his lover, Coral, could get her own show.  In this revelation, Shane tries to kill the Charles sisters during their opening act.  Our gang thwarts his efforts and everyone lived happily ever after.  No wait!  The very bitter Coral tells Vivian anyway about Lily’s affair.  Vivian is furious with Lily and wants her out of the house, but as she opens the door to show Lily out, Ned and Chuck are standing there.

Oh yes, Ned finally realized he was only keeping Chuck from telling his aunts because he wanted her all to himself.  His selfishness, though, came at the expense of Chuck’s happiness, and he can’t live with that anymore.

At this point the season would have ended but we get a quick post-production (and awesome recap tour through the fictional world of Pushing Daisies) and learn what happened of everyone.  Ned, Chuck, and the Charles sisters become a happy family, Emerson’s daughter Penny finds him after his book is published, Olive marries Randy and they open a macaroni and cheese restaurant (The Intrepid Cow), and Digby is forever chasing through a field of daisies.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the premature ending of one of the greatest series I have ever enjoyed on television.  While the adventures of the people of Coeur d’Coeurs will continue in a 12-issue comic series, it will not be the same as the television show.  But still, we were able to share these moments, however, brief, and for that we should all be grateful.

Tearfully signing off into my plate of pie . . . .

Season 2, Episode 13: Kerplunk (originally aired June 13, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Pushing Daisies, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and IMDbPro

Anyway, we meet our four chef masters (or is it master chefs?) and the charities they are playing for on the show: Michael Schlow of Radius (Cam Neely Foundation), Hubert Keller of Fleur de Lys (Make-A-Wish Foundation), Christopher Lee of Aureole (and Orthanc) (Autism Speaks), and Tim Love of The Lonesome Dove Western Bistro and Love Shack (March of Dimes).  The winner of this week moves on to the final.  But first…

Quickfire!  Kelly explains they are bringing back one Quickfire from a past episode of Top Chef.  This week it is to make a dessert.  Michael is concerned.  I’m even more concerned when we learn the judging panel is composed entirely of Girl Scouts.   While the Girl Scouts cover their eyes, Tim takes a shot of tequila and talks about how he’s never had formal or famous training.  But it looks like Michael should have the tequila because he’s sweating bullets over his dish that doesn’t seem to be coming together.

So what did everyone make?  Kelly talks creepy-like with the girls as they eat dessert.  First is Michael, who makes a cookie and candy thing.  One thinks it tastes like a Tagalong and the others don’t like it.  Tim serves a strawberry milkshake, a “chicken-fried” strawberry, and chocolate-covered strawberry.  The ginger girl is the most critical of the lot.  Hubert serves up a masterpiece with all the food shaped like animals because he’s Hubert and that’s how he rolls.  One of the girls says it looks like a Trefoil and I’m convinced this is an ad-buy from The Girls Scouts to promote their cookie sales.  Finally, Christopher’s gourmet dish is too, well, gourmet.  The winner is Hubert, who got a full five stars from the girls.  Then Christopher and Tim with 3.5 stars, and Michael with 2.5 stars.  These scores will be added to their final scores.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a three course meal for Pomona College students using only a microwave, toaster oven, and a hot plate.  This is hilarious!  Anyway, they shop at Whole Foods (natch), and back at the kitchen, Tim doesn’t know the difference between a freezer and a refrigerator and he accidentally freezes half of his groceries, including (wait for it, Top Chef fans) his scallops.

Off to Pomona.  They are each given an occupied dorm room to serve as their kitchens.  While they set up, we see great photos of DJ Hubert.  (Where’s that spin-off, Bravo?)  As they cook, their respective students walk in and out and look confused, probably because Hubert took his bucket of pasta, drained, cooled, and reheated it in the common shower.  The guy is MacGyver.

Service.  In addition to the students, this week’s critics are Jay Rayner, Gael Greene (assisted by a stupid-looking hat), and James Oseland.  First course: scallop carpaccio (Tim), salmon crudo (Michael), snapper ceviche (Christopher), Scottish salmon mi cuit (Hubert).  Second course: cabbage soup (Michael), risotto (Christopher), hearty carrot and petit pea soup (Hubert), squash and corn pozole (Tim).  Third course: skirt steak and braised kale (Tim), pork a la apicius (Michael), creamy mac and cheese with prawns (Hubert), and pork chop (Christopher).  Overall, the critics and students are impressed at what these chefs achieved with their limited resources.

Critics Table (sans apostrophe).  We begin with TMI about Hubert showering with his pasta.  Gael was disappointed with Michael’s overcooked pork but she’s amazed they could cook anything on such a small hot plate.  Tim talks about his frozen food issue and how he made that lemon into frozen lemonade (figuratively).  And Christopher surprised everyone with the quality of his risotto.  The judges deliberate by reminded us (again) of how difficult this challenge was.  As with the regular Top Chef, it’s mostly useless filler.

Results.  Michael with 13.5 stars, Tim with 14.5 stars, Christopher with 19 stars, and Hubert with 20.5 stars.  Hubert wins!  I’m sure we’re all not surprised by this result.  And Hubert will return for the final in a few weeks and Make-A-Wish is $10,000 richer.  Now if I were a terminal child, I’d wish that Top Chef were as good as this episode.  No drama, no bitchin’ about the challenges, and just pure cooking the way God intended.

Later this season: Neil Patrick Harris, a laser at your crotch, and a flaming coconut.  I’m not sure where to start with any of that but it should be fun!

Season 1, Episode 1: Masters Get Schooled (originally aired June 10, 2009)

For another opinion on this episode, check out Just Like Mario Party by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

We see this empathy in her flushing down the toilet the severed ear of a patient with diplomatic immunity, who attacked a more sympathetic patient.  She then steals money from the diplomat and gives it to the baby mama of the bike messenger.  That’s Jackie’s justice, and that’s how she rolls.

When she’s not doing all of the above, she unwinds on a church pew wondering what side dish goes with John the Baptist’s head.  Now here I thought everyone knew that, just like waffles, there are to be no side dishes to that meal.  Oh well!  After a stressful day, Jackie heads home to her two daughters and her . . . husband, who she keeps as a secret from everyone at work.

So I was bored to tears watching this episode.  The only interesting part came at the end when we learned of Jackie’s sort-of double life between work and home.  Of course this only became interesting because of the lengthy previews for the rest of the season.  If only everything in the previous 30 minutes had been that seamless and well-written.  Unfortunately, the best the dialogue could achieve was gratuitous profanity.  On the plus side, though, the cinematography of Jackie snorting drugs is pretty cool.  So they’ve got that going for them.

At this point and only because of the previews, I’d recommend giving this show one more week.  Otherwise, let’s spend our time lobbying to get Ms. Falco back on 30 Rock.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot (originally aired June 8, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Nurse Jackie, click here.

Mondays at 10:30pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photograph courtesy of Showtime, Ken Regan

Lila Robinson returned to town to return money to Stingwell she received years ago so she’d leave town.  Formerly a con-artist, Lila turned a new leaf.  She enlists the help of her ex-lover, Emerson, to help clear her name.  In exchange, he wants to see Penny after all of these years.  With the help of Ned and Chuck (and some misdirection from Mennonite lawyers and a conspiracy-obsessed secretary), Emerson figures out that the real culprit is flower farmer, Michael Brunt, who stood to lose a lot of money by the pipe replacement system Stingwell was installing under Brunt’s property.  So Brunt killed Stingwell and framed Lila, who he knew had visited Stingwell earlier that day.

In the end, Lila pulls a fast one on Emerson and he does not get to stay with his daughter, learning once again that love (and Emerson’s big heart) makes you do stupid things.  On that note, Olive is on again-off again with Randy Mann throughout the episode; after an intense kiss she realizes she wants more from him than just a quick fling to help get over Ned.  Go Olive!

Again we experience the brilliant storytelling and emotional development of our characters.  And again I am reminded that they will be gone (at least from my television in one week).  Sad.

Next week: The series finale focuses on Vivian and Lily Charles.

Season 2, Episode 12: Water & Power (originally aired June 6, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Pushing Daisies, click here.

Saturdays at 10/9c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC and IMDbPro

We begin with a young Carl Fredricksen meeting his future wife Elie as they bond over their thirst for adventure in the wilds of South America.  The storytellers then spend about five minutes as we see the highlights of the Fredricksens’ life together and how they always wanted to go to South America but never could.  This montage is by far the most moving of the film and from its silence and beauty of the animationm the scene conveys emotion not often found in live-action and even less so than in animation.  But this montage also lays the foundation for the emotional heft of Mr. Fredricksen and why, despite his old age, is unwilling to make excuses or give into all-but-certain defeat.  In other words, we have more than the usual superficial, sappiness (e.g., Finding Nemo), which is remarkable given Mr. Fredricksen is simply the product of illustrators and the vocal grumblings of Ed Asner.  Plus, it was was nice to see an elderly character not relegated to a minor, stereotypical role.  (I suppose this bodes well for a new Indiana Jones film.)

Of course, the film was, on its face, not as heavy as I am suggesting.  Viewers of all ages will find something to enjoy, particularly the comic relief of the two animals–Doug and Kevin, who join Mr. Fredricksen and his young companion, Russell, on their journey.  In Russell, who I decree is of Asian decent, Mr. Fredricksen finds a companionship built on mutual need, with Mr. Fredricksen acting as the father he never could be and Russell having a father-figure actively involved in his life.  One minor quibble: ignoring the overplayed absent father shtick, Russell’s relationship with his actual father is underdeveloped and, therefore, feels like throwaway filler.   Russell’s motivations, and Mr. Fredricksen’s response, would have been clearer (particularly to younger viewers, or at least those like me who are slow on the uptake ).

As for the dramatic tension/antagonist part of the film from Christopher Plummer’s Charles Muntz, it was underdeveloped and served more like a MacGuffin to cement the bond between our two travellers than anything else.  So I suppose it was successful in that regard.  The bits with the many dogs were amusing, albeit too long at times, and did the animators need to make sure to show you that all dogs (somehow) survived what seemed like certain death?  Oh right, for the kids!  Sorry, sorry.

Overall, this was a great film and enjoyable way to usher in the end of the school year and start the summer.  You can spend the extra on the 3D, if you have the means, or you can save the money for ice cream after the fact.  (As usual the 3D effects were nothing special.)

Evan sneaks them into a party hosted by Boris, a wealthy German lesser noble, where Evan saves a partygoer’s life and Boris’s concierge doctor almost kills her.  Here’s where we learn that a concierge doctor is a private doctor rich people have on call to tend to their medical needs.  Anyway, Boris wants to hire Hank but he initially refuses.  This displeases Evan, who is loving the Hampton lifestyle, ladies, and bar of gold Boris gave to Hank.

Somehow Tucker, a trust fund teenager, gets Hank’s number and calls him after he gets into a car accident.  His girlfriend is a cyberchondriac but before Hank leaves he has to MacGyver a quick surgery of Tucker, who failed to mentioned he’s a hemophiliac.  He saves his life and makes a friend we’ll likely see in future episodes.

Fed up with everything so far in the weekend, Hank wants to go back to Manhattan, but first Divya shows up interviewing to be Hank’s physician’s assistant.  Again, word travels fast.  Before Hank can tell her no, they get another call and head to the local hospital with its ineffective care but good-hearted administrator, Jill, who Hank met at Boris’s party.  At the hospital, Hank meets local eccentric, Mrs. Newberg, who needs Hank to adjust one of her fake breasts because the other one deflated.  For those who aren’t following the emergency, she’s throwing a party that night and wants to show off the gals.  Anyway, Hank reluctantly fixes her up.  After all is said and done, Hank agrees to stay on a temporary basis and moves (with Evan) into Boris’s estate.

And there you have the pilot episode of Royal Pains.  I enjoyed the show and plan to keep watching it.  It was fast-paced, had interesting storylines, a great soundtrack, and characters I don’t mind watching for an hour.  I was a little surprised by this as I’m not much of a fan of Burn Notice or In Plain Sight, opting instead for the many 80s references and Corbin Bernsen hairpieces on Psych (and Monk before Sharona left the show).  Two minor critiques: I don’t care for the name Hank (petty, I know) and I’m concerned that Hank and Evan could easily turn into caricatures (whiner and party-guy, respectively), which would get tired fast.  I’m optimistic, though, that this will not be the case as their characters develop over the season.  So therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I recommend you tune in to the premiere of Royal Pains this Thursday, June 4 at 10 P.M. (Eastern) on USA.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more special coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Barbara Nitke

Young Olive Snook dreamt of the love and attention of others and got her wish when she was kidnapped for one day.  She acquired a form of Stockholm Syndrome but the two men–Jerry Holmes and Roy Bustamante–were caught and sentenced to many years in prison.  But they broke out with only Olive on their mind.  This all came to her as she and Ned were hanging off a cliff at the end of the last episode.  But this week, the facts were these:

We cut to Ned and Olive safe in The Pie Hole talking about their ordeal and rescue by a mystery man.  Emerson and Chuck walk in to say they found a body, but Ned does not care and only wants to make and eat pies (which he can now do since he no longer uses rotting fruits).  So Chuck steps up and wants to be Emerson’s sidekick.

The new pair of detectives head to a fountain and see the frozen body of Erin Embry in the fountain.  Emerson thinks the case is a nonstarter and leaves.  Chuck is unconvinced and tricks Ned into walking with her to the department store near where the body was found.  As a surprise, Chuck realizes the crime scene is on display.

Back at The Pie Hole taxidermist Randy Mann walks in with a gift for Ned and awkward flirting with Olive.  Well, actually it’s a gift Ned wanted made for his magician step-brothers.  As he waits, Olive’s former kidnappers walk in–technically, they were accidental kidnappers: she was hiding in a car they stole and her parents wouldn’t answer the phone when they called about Olive.  They returned Olive, even though the three all enjoyed each other’s company, anyway, Olive and the guys are sharing a happy reunion.  Ned, of course, walks in to rain on the parade.  He thinks twice, though, when the ex-cons express their excitement at his engagement to Olive.  Ned goes along with the charade and Olive is very happy, even with her delusions.

Emerson tells Chuck about Ned and Olive, and she tries not to let it get to her.  As they talk, Wendell Featherstone and other devotees of the deceased window designer Erin Embry express their admiration for Erin’s work.  Chuck works the crowd up with the suggestion that Erin was murdered; the crowd decides to hire Emerson to investigate the crime.  Once on the case, Emerson and Chuck talk with the store owner, Dick Dicker, and move on to Erin’s co-designer, Coco Juniper, but she didn’t kill Erin (same with her assistant, Denny Downs).  And as we cut to commercial, we see that any one of these guest stars could be the killer.

Meanwhile, Randy is driving everyone else down to the border to help smuggle Jerry and Roy.  They run into a police road block and divert to the Darling Mermaid Darling house to get disguises for the guys.  In the excitement, Vivian and Lily learn (with great shock) that Ned and Olive are engaged.  We pause for a musical interlude of “Hello” performed by Olive as she wonders what is going on with Ned.  Ned interrupts (as usual) and says he’s okay with their deception since it’s important to his friend Olive.  But after Vivian gives Olive a veil, Olive and Ned have an argument and Olive tells the truth to everyone as her heart breaks once again.  He wants to leave but can’t as the police have surrounded the Charles home.

Back at the department store, Dick Dicker unveils the Erin Embry Memorial Window designed by Coco Juniper.  In the window we see a mannequin’s dress is caught in an escalator.  There’s a scream and everyone rushes inside to find . . . you guess it . . . Coco, stuck and very dead in the escalator.  But not everyone is sad, Denny Downs is pretty pleased, and Emerson and Chuck suspect him.  This is likely a diversion, but still the pair snoop around the store after hours.  They find Denny’s design book and realize he designed all of the windows at Dicker’s, plus there’s a sketch of Dicker, which makes them think he’s the next victim.

From a pep talk from Randy, Ned decides he needs to be the Superman and hero he’s supposed to be.  He sneaks into Randy’s car, magic taps a dead rhinoceros, and the newly-alive rhino scares away the police so the others can escape.  Ned is pleased with himself and heads to the morgue to help Chuck and Emerson.  He taps Erin and Coco and they say that Dick Dicker killed them both to decrease store customers in hopes of letting the store fail.  He is caught before he kills Denny.  With Dick in prison, Denny takes over the store and appoints Wendell a new designer.

And Randy’s encouragement for another comes back around to him as Olive works out with the Mother Superior to help smuggle the guys out of the country as nuns.  (I’ve seen that before!)  Anyway, we end with Chuck expressing her jealously for what Olive can do with Ned that Chuck cannot do.  Ned reassures Chuck that he’s only interested in her and not Olive.  Of course this goes out the window when he experiences jealousy at seeing Randy Mann put his hand on Olive’s.  Oh boy!

Great episode (even with the superfluous singing) and it just makes me even sadder to know we only have two left.

Season 2, Episode 11: Window Dressed to Kill (originally aired May 30, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Pushing Daisies, click here.

Saturdays at 10/9c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Brandon speaks with Sir Bryan about the king’s concerns with Anne.  Apparently this is all code for Bryan finding Henry a new mistress. He welcomes the challenge and goes looking for orphaned aristocrats.  His result?  Catherine Howard, who comes to court for full inquiry by Brandon.  And no, that’s not code for shenanigans.

Duke Phillip comes to court to meet with Mary, as arranged by his cousin Queen Anne.  Mary likes him, as evidenced by her awkward flirting.  She gets to listen into a conversation between Phillip and Anne, where he sings Mary’s praises.  Do I hear wedding bells in the air?  He thinks so since he pulled the old “you stepped on my foot whilst dancing, now let’s go into an alcove and make out” routine.  But he was eventually recalled from England, which devastates Mary.

Brandon reports to Henry that it appears Anne’s original marriage contract was not revocable and he believes Henry will be able to get the marriage annulled.  While Henry ponders these difficult matters, he spots Catherine Howard and calls for her.  They make small talk, he shows her a ring steeped in history, and she hikes up her dress.  Henry declines the, ahem, invitation, but he orders Cromwell to give Catherine some land and houses.  Cromwell sees where this is leading, but Henry says Cromwell is still in his good graces.  But as with all things Henry, he next takes an audience with Brandon, who reports from the French ambassador that the king of France might be more open to an Anglo-Franco alliance if Cromwell were no longer in the way.

And now we pause for some “tasteful” nudity before Henry and Catherine consummate their extramarital activities.  Smoke, if you got ‘em.

When we return, Cromwell attempts to call Council to order but is instead arrested for treason.  This all seems very contrived–almost as much as the treason business at the end of last season with the Boleyns–but in Parliament, there is a proposed bill of attainder against Cromwell for sedition and heresy.  It passes and Cromwell is condemned to death.

But Henry wants a favor from Cromwell first: a signed document explaining the complications in Henry’s marriage to Anne, the lack of consummation, and the original impediments to the union.  Of course Brandon is quite pleased that he gets to deliver the message.  And Cromwell writes what he needs to write.  Henry, in turn, let’s Catherine read the document aloud in a mocking tone while she and Henry lie naked, post-coitus no doubt.  Well, I guess she wasn’t kidding when she said she could read letters.

The court celebrates the end of Cromwell’s tenure, and the night before his execution, Bryan takes the executioner out for a lot of drinks.  The executioner can barely stand up when Cromwell arrives at the scaffold.  Still, Cromwell gives a final speech restating his loyalty to the king, a request for mercy and forgiveness, and acknowledgment that he reached too high above his station and this is what he deserves for his pride.  The very hungover execution takes four stabs until a yeoman intervenes and finishes the job.

At the same time, Anne is told that her marriage has been declared null and void.  She consents to the annulment.  In exchange, she is considered the king’s sister, entitled to a castle and stipend, and is free to marry again.  She sends her best wishes to the king and leaves.

We end our season with a pensive Henry watching a naked Catherine swing back and forth on a tree swing set.  How artistic!

Somehow I feel like we the audience have been the naked fool on the swing this unfortunate season, only riding naked (splinters and all) sounds more enjoyable than these past eight episodes, which is saying something for a medieval English history major like me.  And if I couldn’t sit through this tripe, I don’t know how anyone else did.  Perhaps next season, it will be better but I’m not optimistic.  Meanwhile, if you want a great Showtime show that can go the distance over three solid seasons, Showtime is rerunning the first season of Dexter starting May 31.

Season 3, Episode 8 (originally aired May 24, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on The Tudors, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession

We meet Mr. Schuester’s wife, Terri, who works at Sheet ‘n Things on her feet four hours a day, three times a week.  It’s a difficult life for her and she’s unsympathetic to her husband’s issues or interests in glee club.  So after a brief encounter with the former glee club teacher–Sandy with his long-distance girlfriend but fired for making a pass at a male student, Mr. Schuester goes to Sue for help getting new students to join.  She explains that in the high school social hierarchy, glee club is in the subbasement.  So he makes another plea to the football team.  Unfortunately, only Gaylord Weiner and Butt Munch signed up and, frankly, they’re tone deaf.

But in a stroke of luck, Mr. Schuester overhears Finn singing in the gym locker room (“Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore”), plants some marijuana on him (courtesy of Sandy’s new drug trading occupation), and blackmails him into joining glee club in exchange for not reporting the incident to his mother.  You see, his mother’s pride is everything to Finn since his father was killed during the first time America went to Iraq to fight Osama Bin Laden.

At the first practice with Finn (“You’re the One That I Want”), Mercedes, who is Beyonce and not Kelly Roland, isn’t pleased with the new dynamic.  At home, Mr. Schuester is having other issues.  His wife wants him to earn more money and become an accountant because she wants a real life and glue gun that works–they compliment her three mahogany toilet brush holders.  But Mr. Schuester is not giving up yet on the kids and enlists the help of fellow teacher, Emma Pillsbury the germaphobe who seems to have more of a connection with Mr. Schuester than he does with his own wife.  I’m sure we can see where this could lead.

New Directions goes to see Carmel High School perform “Rehab,” and it is amazing.  Finn lies to his friend about having to help with his mother’s prostate surgery and then brushes off Rachel’s advances.  Even though she’s the young ingenue and everyone expects the two to get together, Finn has a girlfriend, who’s a cheerleader and the head of the virgin group.  It’s frustrating, ahem.  And after the concert, Finn’s friends figure out that women do not have prostates and they belt him with paintballs.

Our conflict comes when Mr. Schuester comes over to find out his wife is finally pregnant.  He gives his notice and the glee kids are sad that he’s leaving them.  Emma is also sad about the news and wants him to think about it some more.  Meanwhile, Finn is leaving glee club but has a change of heart after he see his girlfriend tease Rachel and his friends lock Arty in a portable toilet because it’s not like he could get hurt–he’s already in a wheelchair.  So Finn goes back to rehearsal and is sorry for his silly and rude behavior to them.  He organizes them to put together a new show.

As Mr. Schuester is walking out of the school, he hears something from the auditorium.  It’s New Directions singing a poorly lip-synced version of “Don’t Stop Believing,” with a synthesized accompaniment.  Anyway, it’s peppy and inspiring enough for Mr. Schuester to change his mind and to stay a teacher.  Awwww.

So that was the pilot of Glee.  Perhaps I’m biased because of my affinity for high school musical theatre, but I watched it twice and really enjoyed it both times.  While the concept is nothing complicated, the writing and humor are spot-on and even the cut-aways aren’t as distracting or overdone to the point of detracting from the actual story.  Even the characters that are supposed to be over-the-top, e.g., Sue, are ably done and blend nicely with the subdued performance of Matthew Morrison and the brutal honesty from the duet of Rachel and Finn.  Now will others find it as entertaining?  Let’s hope so, otherwise we’ll have another great show the critics all like but never catches on with a sustainable audience.  And we all know we don’t need that.

For another opinion on this episode, check out The Best New Show That Might Not Get Canceled by Robin Reed.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot (originally aired May 19, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Returns Fall 2009 on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

In pre-ceremony drama, Nate and Vanessa talk about his break up with Blair and how sorry he is for how he handled his break up with Vanessa.  And Jenny is gunning for the new queen of the gals, but there’s competition from someone else; the winner will be the one who brings the two juiciest bits of gossip.  The coronation will be at Nate’s midnight party, but Jenny wants the monarchy to end tonight.

Rufus and Lily haven’t seen each other since their last fight but now they are sitting next to each other at graduation.  Eleanor and Cyrus are behind them and are quickly shut down when they suggest that Rufus and Lily should get married before it is too late.  We know where this is leading.

But during the commencement address, Gossip Girl sends out her own diplomas in the form of labels, declaring Nate the class whore, Dan is the ultimate insider, Chuck is a coward, Blair is a weakling, and Serena is officially irrelevant after today.  Not so fast, though, Serena is bringing Gossip Girl down.  Snaps!

Post-graduation reception.  The gang rallies and debates what to do about Gossip Girl while Rufus and Lily debate where they are as a couple, if anywhere.  Dan pushes Serena away now that high school is over, their parents aren’t together anymore, and they’re going away to school.  (So that’s break-up seven for the season?  I’ve lost count.)

Chuck reveals that the focus of Gossip Girl’s posts are Constance, meaning it must be a fellow senior.  Serena sends a tip to Gossip Girl to see whose phone in the room goes off.  It’s Jonathan!  Why couldn’t they have done this years ago?!?

After the break, we learn that Jonathan isn’t really Gossip Girl but that he and Eric hacked into Gossip Girl over spring break.  So it’s not Jonathan but Jenny grabs a piece of gossip she thinks might defeat the new girl.  She’s unsure if she should use it to abolish the monarchy forever.  I wonder if the Founding Fathers had similar reservations . . .  While we ponder this, Rufus and Lily rock the ganj back in the Brooklyn loft.

At the Archibald party (and final party of the season), Nelly Yuki is getting drunk and almost has a Can’t Hardly Wait moment with Dan.  Jenny tells Blair that Gossip Girl knows about her New Years mystery (she slept with Chuck’s uncle Jack).  Blair dismisses Jenny, which just convinces Jenny to go tell Penelope.  Meanwhile, Blair is slowly undressing for Chuck in a private room, hoping he’ll say he loves her.  But then the phones start ringing: Gossip Girl is pissed that Serena tried to find her identity and so she drops all of her remaining gossip bombs and everyone learns all the dirty secrets we’ve been watching these past two seasons.

Blair and Chuck blame Serena for bringing down the wrath of Gossip Girl and then Blair misdirects her anger (as usual) to someone else: Dan.  She tries to explain to Chuck about Jack but she just wants Chuck to tell her the truth about how he feels about her.  Of course he won’t and he walks out.  Blair goes to Jenny to tell her about what happened with Chuck; this will be enough to make her queen.  But Jenny is unsure.

Serena sends a bluff to Gossip Girl and tells her to meet her in an hour, otherwise she’ll tell everyone who she is.  She and Nate wait but she doesn’t arrive.  Instead Dan walks in and has another awkward conversation with Serena.  In short, Serena is upset about being called irrelevant.  Blair walks in, then Jenny, and then everyone else.  Gossip Girl played a little trick and said that she’s only possible because of all of their gossiping on each other.  She’s shared all of their dirt, the slate is clean, and she’s coming along to college.  Oh how convenient!

The next morning at the van der Woodsen breakfast table, Rufus and Lily share how they got engaged while high the night before.  Eric is giddy about his dream coming true: he’s finally getting to use the new wafflemaker!  (Oh my.)  In Serena’s room, Blair is glad that she can move on with life next year in college.

A few weeks later, Dan and Vanessa reminisce about his high school days when Nate walks in to share that the deputy mayor made a pass at him.  He’s quitting and wants to go on the backpacking trip he originally planned with Vanessa.  As they leave, we meet Scott who works in the coffee shop and just transferred to NYU from BU.  Perhaps he and Dan will see each other around . . . since he’s his half-brother!

In other seed planting excitement for next season,

• Blair coronates Jenny the new queen, a foreigner from Brooklyn!
• Dan receives a mysterious phone call from Georgina. She got his money back from Poppy and she says she’ll be seeing him next year. When she hangs up, she’s at NYU requesting Blair as her freshman year roommate. Ha!
• Carter Baron tells Serena he found her father and they run off to find him.
• And Chuck is back from his tour of Europe finding gifts for Blair. He’s no longer a coward and he loves Blair (and says so to her face).

Well, that’s the end of Season Two of Gossip Girl and I have mixed thoughts.  There were some great episodes but mostly a series of snoozers and uninspiring, repetitive storylines.  Our ending wrapped up all of the storylines, even in a somewhat contrived way and while condensing the excellent Gossip Girl reveal into a minor bit.  With next season placing the characters in different cities, it will be interesting to see whether the show can continue it’s momentum and not collapse under the weight of a bloated cast and rambling storylines.  But until that time, you know you love me.  X-O-X-O.

P.S. Looks like my negative comments about last week’s Gossip Girl tie-in had an impact.  The new Gossip Girl spin-off is no more.

Season 2, Episode 25: The Goodbye Gossip Girl (originally aired May 18, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Cromwell dispatches Mr. Holbein, the artist, to draw a “pleasing” portrait of Anne of Cleves, but that’s okay because “surely all art is a lie.”   But paintings aside, the Catholic rulers of Europe are preparing for all out war with England, and so the Council is preparing England’s defenses.  Among those are the crafty ways of Sir Bryan who is still trying to assassinate Pole.  Henry, though, is still focused on Anne as a potential mate, and with a flattering portrait in hand, Cromwell again presses the case that Henry marry her and strengthen the alliance with the Protestant League.  And the Duke of Cleves is demanding a high price for his sister Anne’s virginity, yet on further consideration, Henry will take her without a dowry only entrance into the League.

On the coast of England, though, the Beacons of Gondor are aflame.  The ships are a-comin’!  But upon closer look, the ships are merchant ships bound for Constantinople.  Clearly they are lost.  And Eustace Chapuys, the Holy Roman Empire’s ambassador, dispels Henry’s misperception that the Emperor and France have entered into an alliance.  Henry is all “Fools me twice, shame on me,” and dismisses him.

In Calais, Charles Brandon tends to the arrival of Anne, who is still veiled.  Due to a storm, Brandon spends time teaching Anne how to play cards.  Brandon reports back to Henry but still no word on her appearance.  But it seems Henry is pretty randy and probably won’t care much either way.  In fact, he’s so, er, enthusiastic that he rides toward Rochester for a royal booty call.  The initial greeting and kiss don’t go well and Henry leaves, probably to find a new mistress.  And Anne’s self-esteem that is already rather low drops even more.

Henry convenes the Council to complain about his new horse-faced bride.  (Insert silly Julia Roberts joke here.)  He is quite angry with Cromwell for the deception and he wants a way out of this.  Cromwell wants to continue with the German alliance because he has reports that France and Spain have renewed their alliance.  Henry is not amused but receives her at court.

We fast forward to the wedding day.  Henry reminds Cromwell that he failed in finding a way out of this situation and that Henry is not pleased with Cromwell’s service.  Still, the wedding happens and our newlyweds enjoy a nice game of cards as members of the court look on and wait for them to consummate the marriage.  As the couple retires to bed, we have to watch Henry’s frustration . . . as nothing happens.  The next morning he tells Cromwell that she smelled and he couldn’t touch her.  Seriously, that’s what he said.

He asks his doctor about his lack of sexual desire toward Anne.  We (and the good doctor) are assured that this is not a physical problem with Henry because he had two nocturnal emissions the night before.  Well, that’s good to know!  Cromwell is also concerned and calls Anne in to impress upon her the need to get jiggy with the king.  But, in a nice twist, she’s also grossed out by the king and his smelly pus leg.  Still, this will not deter her.  Those German girls are hearty!

But in talking with her lady in waiting, Anne is given a quick sex-ed lesson: “He must put his member inside you and stir it.”  Yep, that’s exactly how it works.  Just like making instant pudding!  Anyway, we end on a final awkward scene where Henry tries to be with Anne but winds up, ahem, ahem, stirring his own.

Oh boy has this show gone off the deep end!  I don’t care how historically accurate the business with Anne is (and it is, thankfully) but the storytelling is choppy, what we see is rather uninteresting, and it just feels like this season has been phoned in.  At least next week, we’ll have a good old-fashioned execution.

Season 3, Episode 7 (originally aired May 17, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on The Tudors, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession