Weeds: Yeah, That Just Happened

Let’s be honest here, I’m really getting a little fed-up with Weeds this season. Everyone has lost their minds, and this week they’ve completely crossed the threshold of things I’ll accept happening or having to watch.

Let’s start with the 14-year-old with the STD scare shall we? So remember when Shane had a threesome with those two girls from school? Permanently burned into your memory? Well, turns out those obviously wholesome girls had Chlamydia. Who saw that coming? Everyone? Yeah, okay. So the girls volunteer to check Shane out with a flashlight – leading real-life 15-year-old Alexander Gould (Shane) to say some lines I don’t know how his parents are OK with – and then Andy walks in and after some initial hesitation interferes. Shane tells him what’s going on, and Andy says he’ll help.

So Nancy and Andy take Shane to the doctor where Nancy’s mortified that her 14-year-old may have an STD while Andy seems excited to be able to help out in “his wheelhouse”. However, good news is Shane’s sworn off sex forever – which Andy tries to dissuade him of – but which both Nancy and me are totally OK with. Then the doctor comes in and says it’s not Chlamydia, it’s a yeast infection. Now Shane’s really mortified.

On the pot-dealing front – this show is called Weeds after all – Celia is doing very well selling Your Pretty cosmetics now that she’s throwing some grass in the compacts. She’s doing so well that she moves out of Nancy’s old garage. Doug sees her leaving, hears her tale of cosmetic success and sets off to get some cosmetics for himself. Of course, he doesn’t know about the extra gift with purchase that Celia’s been throwing in, because ex-hubby Dean told Silas and Doug that all of their pot was stolen. Also, in a moment of triumphant gloriousness, Silas punches Dean. I would have rather he punched Celia or Doug, but I’ll take it.

Leading the new mommy life, Nancy has wheedled her way back into the master bedroom by agreeing to share a bed – with pillow barrier – with Andy. However, neither one is getting much sleep as new baby Stevie is crying every hour on the hour.  Finally, Nancy and Andy manage to leave the baby with the housekeeper and escape to a restaurant where Nancy enjoys her ability to drink again. However, Nancy’s breasts soon start to hurt so she heads to the bathroom to pump. But the pump breaks, so disturbing me to no end, she calls up Andy to help her deal with the situation and “be the baby”. After very little cajoling, Andy agrees to help out. Yeah, that just happened. I’ll leave “that” up to your imagination – even though it was forced on my eyes against my will. Then later on, because I wasn’t scarred enough, in their shared bed, Nancy awakes to discover Andy having a little “Andy alone time” in the bed next to her. And that just happened. Leaving Andy to handle his own issues, Nancy goes to feed the baby.

Meanwhile the baby’s actual father, Esteban is freaking out about Nancy taking his son away from him and for pretty much dumping him. To help him feel better, Pilar suggests he go out with an attractive, wealthy Hispanic woman. Next we see Esteban he’s walking in on Nancy and Andy asleep in their shared bed with pillow barrier. Esteban is not threatened. He pulls out a ring and asks Nancy to marry him.  Half asleep, Nancy complains that they’ve already had this conversation but they go outside to discuss it anyway.

Curious about their conversation in the yard, Andy pays Shane $20 to go outside and spy on them.

In the yard, Esteban tells Nancy about his date with the other woman. She was perfect for him politically, but it didn’t matter because he loves Nancy. As Esteban continues to pour out his love a man comes up behind him and shoots. Cesar quickly reacts and shoots back. Nancy and Esteban are okay and the assassin’s down, but then someone calls for “Mom”. Shane’s slumped against the house holding his bloody shoulder.

Yeah, that just happened.

Season 5, Episode 9: Suck ‘n’ Spit (originally aired August 3, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Super Silas to the Rescue

Silas Botwin summed up this whole season of Weeds this episode when he said, ever so eloquently, “just when I think s–t can’t get any more effed up, s–t gets more effed up.” I couldn’t have said it better – unless I used the actual expletives he did I suppose. But really, finally someone has said exactly what I’ve been thinking all season. So as a thank you to you, Silas, I’m going out on a limb and declaring you my favorite character on Weeds this year.

This really is quite the come from behind victory for Silas. Last summer, I was hoping he would honestly get accidentally shot in the front yard or sent on a European adventure like the one promised him this episode. Last season and most previous seasons I really could’ve done without Silas’ moody, whiney, selfish, oversexed teenager bit. But this year, Silas has risen above. He’s tried to ditch his druggie ways, taken responsibility for his actions, attempted to become a legitimate member of society and stuck his neck out for his family. In short, he’s grown up and become quite likable, while the rest of the Botwin clan have seriously regressed and descended into despicability. (Need I remind you of last week’s suckling incident. If that’s not regression…)

Speaking of last week, younger Botwin (no longer youngest now that Stevie Ray’s arrived) Shane was shot in the arm by a random assassin on the front lawn. But don’t worry, Cesar was a nurse in the army and bandages up the bullet wound while supplying both the 14-year-old and his mother with plenty of alcohol to calm their nerves while they ran over the would-be assassin with their car. Ah, just a typical Monday in the Botwin family.

Back at Esteban’s house, Shane is seen by Dr. Alanis Morissette (her character’s name is actually Dr. Audra Kitson but I’m not calling her that).  In an actually very entertaining montage of people visiting Shane, Dr. Alanis gives Shane some Percocet, Andy promptly takes said Percocet, hopes Shane didn’t tell his mom he sent him out to the front yard to get shot and muses that if he swims in Esteban’s pool he’ll be just like a leaf drifting toward a drain. I think that metaphor’s pretty appropriate. Silas also stops by to issue his show-stopping line from above. Esteban promises to protect Shane in the future and gives him his watch – because that’s super helpful, Stepdad! Cesar begs Shane not to tell anyone he was a nurse and thug number 2 brings over some dirty movies. Then it’s Nancy’s turn.

Nancy – finally behaving sort of sympathetically, sort of – apologizes to Shane because he got hurt. Shane is none too bothered and remarks that “this is just something that happened today” and that “it was bound to happen eventually”. Nancy’s disturbed by this honesty, and Shane says she should be more concerned about baby Stevie Ray. Nancy cries that he’s her baby too and for a moment I almost feel bad for her. That’s until she goes outside, realizes it’s Cesar that’s been informing on her to the woman who wants to kill her, Pilar. She then shoots Cesar in the arm as punishment – though she makes sure to hit him on his left arm, since he’s right-handed. Always thoughtful and not at all crazy, that Nancy.

Meanwhile upstairs Dr. Alanis is stealing medical supplies from the birthing room that Esteban built when he was going to make Nancy have her baby off the grid. Andy asks her out again, to jazz, but when he can only name the muppet, Mr. Teeth, as an example of a jazz musician, she says no. Then Cesar comes in with his bullet wound and Dr. Alanis – caught with the medical supplies – is blackmailed into bandaging yet another wound. And Andy wonders why she won’t go out with him?

Downstairs good brother Silas checks up on wounded brother Shane and finds out that Shane hasn’t taken any of his pain pills. Shane reveals – in disturbing detail – how he likes the pain because it distracts him from having to think about things. Silas is freaked out because, well, see line up top.

Trying to get away from how effed up everything has become, Esteban decides not to run for governor and to separate himself from Pilar so they can get married. Nancy convinces him that he should run anyway, because he can win. I guess she forgot about her son with the gunshot wound. However, she does try to protect her older son and send him out on a European backpacking adventure. Now previous season Silas would’ve jumped at the opportunity to travel to Amsterdam and seduce Australian tourists, but this is new Silas. Refusing to go on the trip, Silas informs Nancy that he’s staying, moving in with Esteban, and taking care of his brother (who was floating through the pool, obviously drunk and requesting more beer). He tells Esteban that he better protect them too. Even Esteban looks impressed. Woo Silas!

I interrupt this Silas worship fest to bring you a short message from truly despicable characters I could do without this season: Celia, Doug and Dean. This episode, Doug failing to sell You’re Pretty cosmetics, discovers that Celia’s really been selling his and Silas’ weed all along and with Dean’s help. He confronts Dean, gets him back for the private-part-drawer-crushing incident, and vows to help him take down Celia, who is “scary good” at being a drug dealer. No shocker there.

Back to the Botwins!

With Silas’ grown-up decision to stay and take better care of his family than Nancy is obviously capable, Esteban and Nancy decide to actually get married in a small ceremony in the kitchen. As a wedding gift, Andy gets Nancy to put Esteban’s name on Stevie’s certificate and then bolts before the ceremony. Meanwhile way-too-happy Ignacio, bullet-wounded Cesar, random other dude, Silas and drunk-on-champagne Shane look on as Nancy and Esteban take their vows and feed each other chocolate Entennman’s cake.

However, never to be outdone in her bizarre ways, Nancy next appears in a conjugal trailer with none other than her former supplier, who several times threatened to kill her, old buddy Guillermo. He makes several lewd suggestions and then she tells him why she’s really there. She wants Pilar dead and does he want some cake?

Was Silas right, or what?

Season 5, Episode 10: Perro Insano (Originally aired August 10, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Oh man, oh man

This week on Weeds, Nancy’s given birth to her new son, Andy becomes a daddy, Celia becomes a dealer, and lots of manhoods are put into danger.
First, Nancy finds herself confronted by mysterious, evil Mexican woman Pilar, who essentially threatens to kill her mistake of a baby. She warns her not to list Esteban as the baby’s father. Unable to deal, Nancy actually listens and lists Andy as baby Botwin’s father instead. Somehow this seems like an even worse idea.

Upon arriving home with the little tyke, the older Botwin boys contemplate their new sibling. Silas concedes that he’s sort of cute and Shane remarks, in disgust, that he’ll probably want to play soccer. I think the Botwin boys are the only characters on this show I still like.

Meanwhile Andy tells Nancy he got a phone call for the hospital on new daddy classes, and she’s got some ‘splainin to do. She tells him she had to put someone down, and he says he’s through playing “baby daddy to her kids”. Was that what he was doing this whole time? When she says pathetically that she has no one else, he asks whose fault that is. Touché, Andy. Touché.

Off to spread his seed in other ways, Andy heads to the Ren Mar Women’s Clinic to ask out Dr. Alanis Morissette. In a surprising twist, she agrees to go on a date with him. However, in less surprising news, Andy gets about 5 minutes into his date with Dr. Alanis before she tells him she thinks she’s going to leave. She thinks she’d rather be at home in her PJs watching Friday Night Lights – wouldn’t we all? She further explains that she’s a doctor and he’s an overgrown child, in far more brutally honest words. Shocked at his own short-comings and eager to prove his adult manliness in other ways, Andy arrives home and tells Nancy he’s ready to be a father. Also, he wants the baby to be Jewish.

Complying with Andy’s wishes, the family holds a bris for new baby Botwin, now named Steven Ray. Dr. Alanis comes to the bris, plays Lady Pac-Man and flirts with new Dad Andy. Of course, she says she really came over because she can’t get enough of the baby gangster daddy drama. I think it would’ve been better if she winked directly into the camera after that line.

Then predictably Esteban shows up and is really upset about the Jewish thing. His son will be baptized. Nancy tells him no, he’s not the baby’s father anymore. He lost him.

I’m not so sure this whole thing with taking away the only male child of a scary and powerful drug lord who only let you live last season because you were pregnant with a male child is really such a shrewd idea, but you know Nancy.

Celia’s dealing with some shrewd ideas of her own this week. After completely failing to sell any Your Pretty cosmetics, Celia went to ex-hubby Dean for a little legal advice. Dean’s office, however, was full of pot since he agreed to get back Silas and Doug’s confiscated marijuana in exchange for Doug slamming his manhood in a drawer. Yowch! Celia looks around the pot-filled room and sees opportunity. If she puts drugs in her make-up maybe people will buy it. She’ll even cut Dean in. Dean says he can’t, what would he tell the guys. She tells him to tell them he got “robbed by black people” and they’ll believe him because of the bruises. Before Dean can even ask “what bruises?” Celia mans up and takes a swing.

So, in sum, Nancy dumped the drug lord, Andy’s a father attempting to be responsible, Silas and Doug have nothing, and Celia’s selling drugs. Oh man.

Season 5, Episode 8: A Distinctive Horn (originally aired July 27, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Somebody’s Going to Emergency, Somebody’s Going to Jail

This week on Weeds Nancy has a new enemy: a mysterious Mexican woman that Nancy comes up with a creative nickname for. She does not want Esteban to marry la gringa Nancy. She is muy powerful and when Shane Wikipedias her, we also discover that she’s also mucho connected. In other words, she owns Esteban.

Shane looks at this information and suggests they leave now. He thinks she’s going to have this baby and then Esteban’s thugs are going to kill them for sport. Aiding fuel to the mounting fire, Nancy finds Cesar putting together a birthing room in house so that Nancy can have the baby at home. Cesar also tells her that her car is in the shop, broken headlight. She’s trapped.  Alarm! Alarm!

Panicking, Nancy calls Andy and tells him Esteban’s dead. Still sporting that Unabomber beard, Andy shows up and Nancy tells him Esteban’s not really dead, he just wants her to have the baby off the grid, probably so that he can take it and kill its mother. Andy agrees to help her get out, lifts her through the welded door of his ridiculous General Lee car (with only minor groping), and off they go.

In the car, Andy proceeds to make things more awkward by asking how Esteban is in bed, saying he seems like the throw you down on the table kind of guy. As it turns out, that’s exactly the kind of guy he is – as all of us who watch the show have seen. Andy points out that that’s why he and Nancy would never work (I guess other than the useless brother-in-law thing), because he’s not “rapey” enough for her. Lovely. Then, as Nancy sits there in glowing silence, Andy realizes he’s still in love with her, curses and declares that she’s “poison”. I think we can all agree that that’s pretty much true.

At Dr. Alanis Morissette’s office, Nancy tells Dr. Isn’t It Ironic that she wants to induce. Dr. Alanis thinks she should wait, but Nancy insists that she has to have the baby right away. When Dr. Alanis still hesitates, Andy steps in and explains the whole story with the baby daddy drug lord who probably wants to kill her and take her child. After thanking Andy for his discretion, Nancy cries and pleads with the doctor offering her a bag full of cash. Dr. Alanis says she’ll call the hospital and get it set up.

Finally catching on to what Nancy’s done, Esteban and Cesar come tearing through the hospital, gathering Nancy’s things. But then little baby Botwin is brought in. Esteban exclaims that Nancy doesn’t know what she’s done, but Nancy – calm and collected – asks if he’d like to hold his son.  He would.

So while Nancy’s third son was getting her out of trouble yet again, her eldest was getting himself into a bit of it. At their little pot club, Doug is continuing to spend all his time sampling the merchandise, much to Silas’ chagrin. Then, to make matters worse, their buddy the blackmailing cop, Officer Pete, comes in demanding $10K as an apology for the big bump he has on his head after Doug knocked him out last week. He threatens to charge them with assaulting a police officer, and Silas looks like he might cry.

Later that day a hot, young bikini-clad thing comes in looking for a job. Doug promptly fires one of their employees. When he asks why he’s getting fired, Doug replies that it’s so he can get laid. Ticked off, the employee goes to the back to complain to Silas who gets even more ticked off. Totally fed up with Doug, Silas calls the partnership off and storms out. Anyone else really liking this new, responsible, self-conscious Silas?

Later on, Officer Pete returns and Doug gives him his money. Dean also drops by with Silas to inform Doug that they are dissolving their partnership. Doug can’t stand the idea of the place being closed down so agrees that as long as they let him have a bowl in the morning, he’ll stay out of everything else. They all agree, just as a group of Internal Affairs cops come storming through.

Officer Pete tries to show his badge and get out, but it turns out that the fired employee is with them. They’re there for Officer Pete. They all get down on the ground.

Season 5, Episode 7: Where the Sidewalk Ends (Originally aired July 20, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Catching Up

In a move a la Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill, this week’s episode of Weeds has time warped us ahead six months to a very pregnant Nancy enjoying herself living in Esteban’s big old house. While Nancy showers, she and Esteban affectionately tease each other about baby names before she gets out and he tells her that he’s “decided we will get married”. He then gives her a large but ugly ring that looks straight out of a Cracker Jack box. Nancy walks in to the bedroom to find Esteban naked and is presented with the real ring, a big old diamond this time. Nancy says yes.

Downstairs at breakfast, Nancy tries to share her engagement news with Shane but he already knew. Esteban had a talk with him and Silas. Everyone knows but Andy. Ignacio then turns up to take Shane to summer school.

While mommy enjoys domestic bliss, at Silas’ medical marijuana shop things are getting dicey. Silas tries to refuse Officer Pete some pot because he doesn’t have a prescription and Pete mentions that they’ve been light on their bribe money lately. He pulls a gun on Silas and laughs. Silas doesn’t seem to think it’s very funny.

Shane also found himself getting into more trouble than he wanted when Ignacio allowed him to skip school. Instead the twosome went to the golf course to annoy and beep at people trying to hit some drives. Shane was having a great time, until one of the golfers responded by flipping them the bird. Ignacio promptly jumped from the car and with happy enthusiasm proceeded to brutally and repeatedly beat the golfer with his own club. And the fact that Ignacio was not his buddy but rather an incredibly scary, scary guy finally seems to have dawned on Shane.

Back at the Ren Mar house, a devastated Andy who has grown a particularly hideous beard, plays Pac-Man. Silas comes home and asks how much of Judah’s money he has left – Silas is worried about the cop. Andy says he’s spent it all and gestures at the house full of arcade games and various other useless things, as well as the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazzard that’s parked in the garage.

Celia is working at Foot Locker and living in the Ren Mar garage, her daughter is spray tanning Doug (I’ll get to that in a minute) and after finally giving up decides to turn instead to selling Your Pretty cosmetics, which looks like the biggest scam there ever was.

After finding a biography of him in the bathroom (gross), Doug is trying to channel George Hamilton (thus the spray tan). Silas tells him about the problem with Officer Pete and Doug responds that, of course, they’re not selling that much pot with a cop always hanging around. He asks what George Hamilton would do. Later when Officer Pete shows up again and starts chilling in their swinging chair, Doug decides that George Hamilton would do the dumbest thing possible. So Doug tosses the cop from the chair and tells him to stop driving the customers away. The two fight. Pete takes a swing, misses and hits the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Silas looks like he’d like to jump out the window.

Outside the Ren Mar house, Nancy calls Andy. When he ignores the phone, the very pregnant woman kicks the door in. Standing right next to him, she continues to talk on the phone and leaves him a message. She says she misses him, that she’s marrying Esteban and that if he comes to see her please don’t have “a scraggly moonshiner beard unless you’re starting a cult in which case ‘go beard’”. (Sometimes this show’s funny – when it’s not disturbing the bleep out of me.)

Back at home with Esteban, Nancy wonders who Mrs. Esteban Reyes is supposed to be. In a move that surprised me, Esteban “Mr. Controlling” Reyes says she doesn’t have to change her name if she doesn’t want to. Then he goes off to fence and Andy stops by – still looking like a deranged mountain man. Andy sees Esteban fencing and mentions that he was a light saber fighting champ in High School. Why would you admit that? Esteban asks if Andy would like to fence. The two of them go at it for a little while until Nancy comes to investigate and Esteban swiftly disarms Andy.

Back in the kitchen, Andy pours out his thoughts and hurt and a little Hebrew blessing, and Nancy says she’s sorry. Ego-bruised Andy scoffs and says that when Esteban gets killed – making her a widow for the third time (Wow, I forgot about that DEA Agent she married. This girl is full of bad decisions) – he’s not coming back to make pizza bites.

Once Andy leaves, Nancy gets another surprise visitor. An attractive Hispanic woman storms through her house and argues loudly with Esteban in Spanish in the back yard. She then marches back through the house and leaves.

When Nancy asks what that was about, Esteban tells them they can’t get married. Things have changed. Seems like there’s trouble in gangster’s paradise.

Season 5, Episode 6: A Modest Proposal (Originally aired July 13, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime and IMDbPro

Weeds: Getting What You Want

This week, the Botwin clan was going for what they want, using the usual Botwin means of deception, blackmail, and violent intimidation.

First getting the money he wanted, Andy went on a super-creeptastic date with a former flame of his dead brother. Throughout the date, the chick – in full-on Molly Ringwald gear – called Andy “Judah” and then had him recreate her deflowering under a beach boardwalk among the homeless. Gross, but Andy got the money and is now $186K richer.

Finding himself not so rich after his teacher ripped off all his pot, Shane gets advice from Celia’s daughter Isabel and Nancy’s latest bodyguard Ignacio. Ignacio suggests they go get even. So off they go to pot-stealing Teacher’s sad apartment where Shane threatens his teacher with a gun. Finding that he’s not all that afraid of Shane – who he thinks is bluffing – he then threatens him with Ignacio. That does the trick, and Shane gets his pot back, takes some weird instrument thing that his teacher is oddly attached to, and then shoots his teacher’s parrot.

Trying to figure out what she wants, Nancy goes to the doctor – curiously played by Alanis Morissette – and finds out all’s well with the baby. She asks when would be too late to get rid of it? The doc asks if she’s really considering that and Nancy replies that she doesn’t know. She’s got some decisions to make.

Back at the house, Nancy discovers that Celia’s been squatting in her garage after Celia found a dead Mexican – poor Sucio – in the garage cooler. Nancy responds by getting very angry at Celia and calling Esteban to come clean up the dead bodyguard mess. But Celia ultimately gets her way and gets to continue living in Nancy’s garage after taking some lovely blackmail shots of Esteban’s buddies getting rid of Sucio’s body with the help of some acid. Why Celia would want to be around this is beyond me, but at least she has a roof over her head.

Off still trying to make good on their legal (sort of) pot endeavor, Doug and Silas skip off to meet “The Wizard” in order to get him to supply their pot. But Doug was not going for his extra costs and ends up flipping out at The Wizard while Shane sits by, the surprisingly mature one. Pissed at Doug for screwing up their deal, Doug and Silas get into a bickering match which ends when Silas punches him after Doug brings up his dead father. Silas immediately apologizes and the two hug it out. Somehow these two – who used to be my least favorites – are quickly becoming the highlight of the show, along with the devious and dark Shane.

Speaking of Shane, Nancy finds out what Shane did to get his pot back and is furious at all involved. She takes Shane back to the teacher’s house where she demands that he return the weird instrument and brings him a replacement iguana. Shane then apologizes for making his cockatoo an “innocent casualty of his youthful vengeance.” When the teacher is not satisfied with this, he begins to threaten Shane with Fs and shoves him. Nancy grabs the teacher’s bat and while holding him down in a chokehold with it, tells him he’ll do no such thing. Like mother, like son. She informs the teacher that he shouldn’t abuse his position by stealing from students and tells Shane that no, he can’t kick his teacher and is punished. They’ll be no tweeting or anything electronic. Then she releases the teacher and tells him to take care of the iguana, it could be a new start for him.

But, of course, there is no new start on the horizon for Nancy. There was a dead bodyguard in her garage and last week her boyfriend and his drug dealing posse killed a DEA agent in her bedroom. Sitting with Andy, Nancy asks why f-ing Armageddon is always coming down on her. Andy replies with the obvious answer, she does it herself, she must know that. As a solution, Andy once again tells her they should run away together, just leave a note and be gone in the night. They could be happy together. Nancy agrees and next we see her, she and Andy packing, but when Andy goes to fetch her in the morning, he finds his own Dear John letter.

Nancy turns up on Esteban’s doorstep with Shane. They’re moving in.

Season 5, Episode 5: Van Nuys (originally aired July 6, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Monty Brinton

Weeds: The Magic 8 Ball

Since their Mexican bodyguard disappeared leaving behind only a trail of blood, Nancy and family were hanging out in the arcade. Andy wants to go home and suggests that Nancy’s only angry about him sleeping with Jill because she’s jealous. Nancy scoffs and reminds him that she’s pregnant with another man’s child.

Baby daddy then calls and they return home where Esteban meets Nancy’s sons for the first time. Esteban is happy with Nancy since he just found out that it really is a boy that she’s carrying. Shane is about as thrilled as Andy to meet the man who impregnated his mother while Silas tries to shut him up. Esteban then invites them to live with him in his house in California and gives Nancy a Zen baby swing. Nancy says she’ll think about the moving in thing and Esteban gives her Ignacio as a bodyguard in the meantime, who promptly tasers Andy who wets himself. Nancy is not phased and makes the goon go get a towel.

After being embarrassed by Ignacio, Andy starts working out in the garage in some awesome 80s aerobic gear. Ignacio says he looks like Jamie Lee Curtis, but Andy’s the last one laughing when he discovers an old bank book of his dead brother Judah.

Meanwhile Celia turns up, asks if Nancy’s baby is Andy’s and is promptly thrown out on her ass. Trying not to get thrown out on their asses, Doug and Silas are trying to get a space for their medical marijuana business, but the woman at the location they want won’t give it to them when she finds out what they’re planning to sell. So being the newly law-abiding citizens they are, they go to their cop friend that they’re bribing.

At school, Shane is taking a decidedly less legal route and is preparing to get $4,000 worth of pot to sell to his teacher. That has good idea written all over it. As Shane takes the majority of Silas’ pot sandwiches from the fridge, Andy reaches out to Shane as the family’s moral center. Oh boy. He asks if it would be okay to impersonate his dead brother to get some money that could help the family. Shane tells him his dad’s passport is upstairs. Andy, however, doesn’t approve of Shane’s plan to sell to his teacher and in a truly great line Shane responds, “I’m a Botwin. We’re not responsible for anything we do.” Touché.

So off Shane goes to give the pot to his teacher, who puts the duffel bag full of weed in the trunk and drives off without paying. Something tells me that that’s going to have some consequences.

Somehow not bothered by that sentiment coming from his nephew, Andy pursues his brother’s money at the local bank and has the great misfortune to have a teller that once dated his brother Judah. She wants to know where Judah is so she can tell him all the things she’s been waiting to tell the jerk. Even though there’s $186,000 in the bank, Andy does the right thing and tells the woman that Judah died.  However, the bank teller is still a little too stuck on Judah and says she’ll give Andy the money if he goes on a date with her, pretending to be Judah. Andy thinks that’s creepy but agrees for $186K. It looks like Andy’s luck might be changing.

But Nancy’s luck is only getting worse. Ignacio discovers scorned DEA Agent Till out in his car and drags him in. He’s got a gun and some brass knuckles, but no badge on him. This was about to get personal, and Nancy realizes it must have been him who killed Sucio. Ignacio reports that he’s going to drain the unconscious DEA Agent’s blood in her bathtub. Nancy takes the taser and zaps Ignacio. Not in her bathtub.

The two men finally come to after Nancy has handcuffed them both to her bed – and not in a sexy way. Roy Till wants to know which side Nancy’s on and Ignacio brings up the obvious: she’s pregnant with his boss’ baby. The two men start to leg wrestle, but when Agent Till gets a little excited, Ignacio decides they shouldn’t fight anymore. Meanwhile, Nancy doesn’t know what she’s going to do – whichever man she sets free is going to kill the other. She can’t decide and instead consults a Magic 8 Ball. When that doesn’t seem to be working, she calls Esteban.

Esteban arrives to find Nancy curled up in the hall, nearly catatonic, repeating Magic 8 Ball phrases over and over. Esteban resolves the issue, telling her there’s no right and wrong here, and he’ll do anything to protect her and their son, and then he goes into the bedroom. Later Ignacio washes up, and Nancy and Esteban go for a walk on the beach. He throws her Magic 8 Ball into the ocean and kisses her belly. No more decision-making for Nancy.

Back at the house, Andy finishes putting together the baby rocker.

Season 5, Episode 4: Super Lucky Happy (Originally aired June 29, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Cliff Lipson

Eli Stone: No Fury like a Maggie Scorned

After a bedding gone awry in last week’s episode, Eli is eager to make amends with Maggie – but having little luck as she is keeping hold of the evidence they absconded from a witness last week. This leads to more Maggie-Eli bickering – it’s becoming a theme – with Maggie crossing the line in court when she asks for Eli to be dismissed due to his belief that he’s a prophet of God. Yikes – what happened to sweet, innocent Maggie who believed in Eli?

Sinking to her level, Eli counters by saying that Maggie should be excluded because they had sex last week. And co-counsels Matt and Taylor are having a baby together. The judge throws her hands up and says no one’s excluded from trying the case unless any of them mention their bedroom activities or prophecies in the court room.

Speaking of prophecies, Eli finally has a vision again, seeing himself in Rome trying to follow Maggie, but he trips and can’t catch her. However, this doesn’t help him with his case defending a former news anchor, Sam Russell. Russell was demoted from his evening anchor position to the morning news and subsequently quit. He claims he was forced out because of an incriminating piece he was going to run against one of the station’s largest advertisers, Zyre Motors. Maggie and Evil Lawyer Firm – which now includes Jack from Dawson’s Creek (Kerr Smith) as lawyer Paul Rollins – are defending the news network and claiming that Russell quit and that he was demoted, not because of the piece, but because of his falling ratings.

Also, Maggie’s doing exceptionally well in court tearing Eli’s case apart, and Taylor notes it’s because he pissed her off. Hell hath no fury, they say. Eli says he’d been trying for ages to get Maggie to be this good of a lawyer, if he’d known he just had to sleep with her, he’d have done it a lot earlier. Taylor doesn’t think this is funny, and confronts Eli on his obvious feelings for Maggie. She says he’s blowing his window of opportunity.

In court, Maggie and Eli continue to fight over who’s right – the newsman led by the story or the network led by their purse strings. Eli – and I – continue to be shocked that Maggie can be working for the corporate money-grubbing man at all, but she spares nothing in her desire to get back at Eli. In a bold and uncharacteristic move, Maggie subpoenas her friend from Sonoma, Jesse Bates, to testify against Russell and admit that he was offered the demoted morning news position six months before the Zyre Motors piece and six months before he quit. This seems to really hurt Eli’s case until he realizes he can use this loophole to get access to the e-mails Maggie has been keeping as privileged. It works and Maggie – in a mean move – sends over hundreds of boxes of useless documents to his office; only one of which contains the documents Eli needs.

Luckily, however, Eli receives another premonition of himself chasing Maggie through ancient Rome. He knows which box has their documents straight away: the one with the gladiator on it. In the e-mails, Eli finds an e-mail in which the CEO of the news network asked the producer to take care of the Russell problem and Eli gets him to admit that the problem was the Zyre Motors piece. Feeling good after that confession, Eli takes a chance to express his feelings to Maggie, but before he can, she says that she’s over him. She never thought that sleeping with him was all she needed to do, but she feels nothing for him now (though her behavior certainly would suggest otherwise). Eli – daft boy that he is – believes this version of her story and goes out to give his summation.

Both Maggie and Eli give convincing closing statements – Maggie’s more so – and Eli’s worried that they’ll lose the case and, consequently, their money-starved firm. Matt Dowd, however, comes to the rescue of his Taylor’s struggling firm by offering Russell a secret settlement of $5 million if he’ll admit that he quit and stops speaking out against the media. Jordan convinces Russell that he can’t do it, even if it will save the firm, and Taylor forgives her dad for all his bad behavior (including driving her mother out of town) because of his selflessness in this case.

So in the end, they don’t take the deal and the jury rules against them and in favor of newly cutthroat lawyer, Maggie. Paul Rollins, however, has heard about what Matt tried to pull in the court with the secret settlement and threatens to fire him if it ever happens again. Matt walks away and shows up at Weathersby Stone, which is trying to figure out how it’ll survive the next couple of months. Matt asks if they need another lawyer. He tells Taylor he wants to be the kind of father who will stand up for what he cares about. Taylor then reveals that they’re having a girl and it gets really gooey.

Inspired by the sap-fest – and apparently over his devastating court loss – Eli takes off to see Maggie with flowers in hand. But when he arrives at her office, she’s zipping off in a car with Paul Rollins. So Eli hands his flowers off to the receptionist, believing his window of opportunity with Maggie has closed.
But don’t worry Eli, inevitably Jack – I mean Paul – will turn out to be gay and then become bosom buddies with your blond former paramour. Then he’ll marry your cop – I mean doctor – brother. Right?

Let’s hope Maggie sees the error of her ways soon – only two episodes left for these crazy kids to get it together.

Season 2, Episode 11: Mortal Combat (Originally aired June 27, 2009)

For more on Eli Stone, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Eli Stone: No Vision

After disappearing off the air for a good six months, Eli Stone returned to finish out its season in the Saturday at 10 p.m. timeslot. Though previously I’ve loved this show, it sadly seemed to belong in its new no-hope air-time. This episode’s plot was lacking, and there were no visions or musical numbers or philosophical morals. There was just Eli and Maggie finally getting together in the most disappointing manner ever. Sad.

In the episode, aptly titled Sonoma, Eli and Taylor joined up with their rival attorneys – and love interests – Matt Dowd and Maggie for a road trip to Sonoma to talk to a witness who has been locked up for something or other. Because Matt and Taylor are looking for a vacation, they rope their law partners into traveling together, leading to a lot of Eli and Maggie bickering. Normally, I would approve of their bickering – but this was who’s more righteous bickering with Maggie obviously on the wrong side – an unusual place for her – and I wasn’t liking it.

After a lot more of this bickering and worst reality show ever jokes, they arrive in Sonoma to interview Jesse Bates, the witness they need for their case. But Jesse will only help them if they help her first. The now-client Ms. Bates, an art dealer, is being held for stealing a painting which she refused to give back to its owners after discovering that it was taken from a Jewish family during the Holocaust. Seeming like a moral injustice case right up Eli and Maggie’s alleys, they agree to help her out.

However, their little road trip takes a turn for the worst when they enter court and discover that head chair lawyer, Matt Dowd (he won at rock, paper, scissors – you’d think a guy named Stone would play rock more), once dumped their judge. In fact, he left her waiting for him at the airport. Real nice. So she promptly seeks her revenge by holding him in contempt of court – which no actual judge would ever do because she’d lose her chair pronto. But off Matt Dowd goes to jail and after Taylor stands up for Matt and calls the judge bitter, she goes off to jail, too.

It’s up to Eli and Maggie to work together and prove that the painting is a Holocaust artifact while getting the only living relative of the family, Katie, who owned it back to the country so she can claim it. While working on their case, Eli and Maggie enjoy a lot of red wine together and Maggie reveals that she met Eli while she was a law student and that they sang karaoke. He did an awful rendition of a George Michael song, of course. Then, because this episode needed something to happen, Eli and Maggie sleep together. It’s horribly uneventful and not nearly as sexy as it should have been.

The next morning, Eli wakes up and is feeling guilty. He admits to Maggie that earlier he discovered he has a second aneurysm. The phone rings to let them know that the granddaughter for the painting, Katie, has arrived in California, and Maggie storms off thinking Eli only used her to feel better about his aneurysm (which is pretty lame and out of character for her).

So off they go to court, where it becomes really obvious that the painting in concern definitely belonged to Katie and her family. Not only does the woman in the painting look exactly like her, but she’s wearing the necklace she got from her grandmother. However, Katie doesn’t want the painting back and asks that the current owners sell it to a museum so others can see it. Everyone gets weepy, the judge forgives the offending lovers she’s put in jail, and they all leave happily. Or do they?

Eli goes to talk to their witness, Jesse, and she reveals that she already gave everything she had to Maggie. Jesse thought they were working together. Well, she and Eli apparently thought wrong. Maggie has disappeared back to San Francisco with the evidence and Eli’s broken heart.

Back in San Francisco, brother Nathan is dealing with Eli’s latest aneurysm by trying to get to the bottom of its cause. Eli revealed before he left that he’d been seeing Dr. Lee for some dark medicine so Nate tried to see her, faking an illness, but Dr. Lee saw through his act quickly and gave him no new info. So Nate returned to Dr. Chen who gave him some startling news. Nate and Eli’s father had been given the “Dark Truth” treatment by Dr. Chen and he died a week later. Looks like Eli may be suffering from more than a broken heart. Nate tells Dr. Chen that they have to tell Eli, but after a few more frustrating unreturned calls to Maggie, Eli blows up at Chen when he tells him and demands he leave.

Poor Eli – looks like he needs a little vision to get him through this one. Maybe next week will bring on some revelations? One can only hope.

Season 2, Episode 10: Sonoma (Originally aired June 20, 2009)

For more on Eli Stone, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Weeds: Sibling Rivalry and a Dead, Dirty Mexican

This week on Weeds, Nancy got a new bodyguard named Sucio – which literally means “dirty” – and who was very okay with his “man smell”. Lovely. Shortly after his arrival, Nancy discovers that she’s bleeding and demands that Andy take her to the Mexican doctor she can’t understand. Soon-to-be Papa Esteban meets them there and Andy and he have a delightful little verbal throw down in which Esteban most certainly wins, calling Andy a clown. The doctor also suggests that Nancy needs to have less stress in her life – which certainly seems unlikely, especially when she arrives home to find that Silas wants to start a medicinal marijuana operation with Doug and that Shane and her sister Jill have returned. Shane has blackmailed Jill to return him home by taking pictures of her and Andy getting it on on the washing machine. That’s nice and stress free, surely.

Rather than getting pissed at her creepy son, however, Nancy gets ticked at Jill and her brother-in-law, Andy. Jill is upset and obviously jealous of how Nancy overshadows her, so she asks Andy where the bedroom is and suggests they use it. Later, we’re treated to a very awkward and revealing family dinner in which Jill continues to harp on Nancy’s attention-getting ways by talking about how she dated one of her teachers in high school. Nancy denies it and then asks why they’re arguing about it: she was thirteen, and he was a pedophile. Yikes, no wonder Nancy turned out the way she did. Nancy excuses herself to go throw up, Sucio goes to help her, and Jill wonders if he’s homeless. She’s still got no clue what’s really going on.

Speaking of clueless, Doug and Silas are trying to be legit with their medical marijuana business, but the bank won’t give them a loan without law enforcement approval. So Doug and Andy buddy up to a chubby cop who agrees to sign their paperwork in exchange for a monthly bribe. I’m sure that won’t blow up in anyone’s face.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia is angering her revolutionary by trying to take control of his business and mothering him. He doesn’t seem to appreciate this and by the end she’s been drugged and put on a bus back to Texas.

But back in the Botwin house, Nancy has finally convinced Sucio to take a much needed shower in their outdoor shower. She goes to get a loofah and returns to find Sucio’s clothes and some drops of blood. Not good, not good.

She retrieves Shane and allows Andy and Jill to finish what they were up to before telling them they have to leave.  She piles them in the car, and Jill and Nancy finally air their grievances over Nancy leaving Jill to take care of their ailing parents. Nancy screams her apologies and Jill says she always wanted to be Nancy. Esteban then calls and Nancy tells him she’s fleeing since she doesn’t know whether he’s going to let her live or not, but she’d like bodyguard Cesar back. She hangs up and asks a stunned Jill if she still wants her screwed-up life.

Nearby, DEA Agent Till watches.

Season 5, Episode 3: Su-Su-Sucio (Originally aired June 22, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Cliff Lipson

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