Let’s be honest here, I’m really getting a little fed-up with Weeds this season. Everyone has lost their minds, and this week they’ve completely crossed the threshold of things I’ll accept happening or having to watch.

Let’s start with the 14-year-old with the STD scare shall we? So remember when Shane had a threesome with those two girls from school? Permanently burned into your memory? Well, turns out those obviously wholesome girls had Chlamydia. Who saw that coming? Everyone? Yeah, okay. So the girls volunteer to check Shane out with a flashlight – leading real-life 15-year-old Alexander Gould (Shane) to say some lines I don’t know how his parents are OK with – and then Andy walks in and after some initial hesitation interferes. Shane tells him what’s going on, and Andy says he’ll help.

So Nancy and Andy take Shane to the doctor where Nancy’s mortified that her 14-year-old may have an STD while Andy seems excited to be able to help out in “his wheelhouse”. However, good news is Shane’s sworn off sex forever – which Andy tries to dissuade him of – but which both Nancy and me are totally OK with. Then the doctor comes in and says it’s not Chlamydia, it’s a yeast infection. Now Shane’s really mortified.

On the pot-dealing front – this show is called Weeds after all – Celia is doing very well selling Your Pretty cosmetics now that she’s throwing some grass in the compacts. She’s doing so well that she moves out of Nancy’s old garage. Doug sees her leaving, hears her tale of cosmetic success and sets off to get some cosmetics for himself. Of course, he doesn’t know about the extra gift with purchase that Celia’s been throwing in, because ex-hubby Dean told Silas and Doug that all of their pot was stolen. Also, in a moment of triumphant gloriousness, Silas punches Dean. I would have rather he punched Celia or Doug, but I’ll take it.

Leading the new mommy life, Nancy has wheedled her way back into the master bedroom by agreeing to share a bed – with pillow barrier – with Andy. However, neither one is getting much sleep as new baby Stevie is crying every hour on the hour.  Finally, Nancy and Andy manage to leave the baby with the housekeeper and escape to a restaurant where Nancy enjoys her ability to drink again. However, Nancy’s breasts soon start to hurt so she heads to the bathroom to pump. But the pump breaks, so disturbing me to no end, she calls up Andy to help her deal with the situation and “be the baby”. After very little cajoling, Andy agrees to help out. Yeah, that just happened. I’ll leave “that” up to your imagination – even though it was forced on my eyes against my will. Then later on, because I wasn’t scarred enough, in their shared bed, Nancy awakes to discover Andy having a little “Andy alone time” in the bed next to her. And that just happened. Leaving Andy to handle his own issues, Nancy goes to feed the baby.

Meanwhile the baby’s actual father, Esteban is freaking out about Nancy taking his son away from him and for pretty much dumping him. To help him feel better, Pilar suggests he go out with an attractive, wealthy Hispanic woman. Next we see Esteban he’s walking in on Nancy and Andy asleep in their shared bed with pillow barrier. Esteban is not threatened. He pulls out a ring and asks Nancy to marry him.  Half asleep, Nancy complains that they’ve already had this conversation but they go outside to discuss it anyway.

Curious about their conversation in the yard, Andy pays Shane $20 to go outside and spy on them.

In the yard, Esteban tells Nancy about his date with the other woman. She was perfect for him politically, but it didn’t matter because he loves Nancy. As Esteban continues to pour out his love a man comes up behind him and shoots. Cesar quickly reacts and shoots back. Nancy and Esteban are okay and the assassin’s down, but then someone calls for “Mom”. Shane’s slumped against the house holding his bloody shoulder.

Yeah, that just happened.

Season 5, Episode 9: Suck ‘n’ Spit (originally aired August 3, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Silas Botwin summed up this whole season of Weeds this episode when he said, ever so eloquently, “just when I think s–t can’t get any more effed up, s–t gets more effed up.” I couldn’t have said it better – unless I used the actual expletives he did I suppose. But really, finally someone has said exactly what I’ve been thinking all season. So as a thank you to you, Silas, I’m going out on a limb and declaring you my favorite character on Weeds this year.

This really is quite the come from behind victory for Silas. Last summer, I was hoping he would honestly get accidentally shot in the front yard or sent on a European adventure like the one promised him this episode. Last season and most previous seasons I really could’ve done without Silas’ moody, whiney, selfish, oversexed teenager bit. But this year, Silas has risen above. He’s tried to ditch his druggie ways, taken responsibility for his actions, attempted to become a legitimate member of society and stuck his neck out for his family. In short, he’s grown up and become quite likable, while the rest of the Botwin clan have seriously regressed and descended into despicability. (Need I remind you of last week’s suckling incident. If that’s not regression…)

Speaking of last week, younger Botwin (no longer youngest now that Stevie Ray’s arrived) Shane was shot in the arm by a random assassin on the front lawn. But don’t worry, Cesar was a nurse in the army and bandages up the bullet wound while supplying both the 14-year-old and his mother with plenty of alcohol to calm their nerves while they ran over the would-be assassin with their car. Ah, just a typical Monday in the Botwin family.

Back at Esteban’s house, Shane is seen by Dr. Alanis Morissette (her character’s name is actually Dr. Audra Kitson but I’m not calling her that).  In an actually very entertaining montage of people visiting Shane, Dr. Alanis gives Shane some Percocet, Andy promptly takes said Percocet, hopes Shane didn’t tell his mom he sent him out to the front yard to get shot and muses that if he swims in Esteban’s pool he’ll be just like a leaf drifting toward a drain. I think that metaphor’s pretty appropriate. Silas also stops by to issue his show-stopping line from above. Esteban promises to protect Shane in the future and gives him his watch – because that’s super helpful, Stepdad! Cesar begs Shane not to tell anyone he was a nurse and thug number 2 brings over some dirty movies. Then it’s Nancy’s turn.

Nancy – finally behaving sort of sympathetically, sort of – apologizes to Shane because he got hurt. Shane is none too bothered and remarks that “this is just something that happened today” and that “it was bound to happen eventually”. Nancy’s disturbed by this honesty, and Shane says she should be more concerned about baby Stevie Ray. Nancy cries that he’s her baby too and for a moment I almost feel bad for her. That’s until she goes outside, realizes it’s Cesar that’s been informing on her to the woman who wants to kill her, Pilar. She then shoots Cesar in the arm as punishment – though she makes sure to hit him on his left arm, since he’s right-handed. Always thoughtful and not at all crazy, that Nancy.

Meanwhile upstairs Dr. Alanis is stealing medical supplies from the birthing room that Esteban built when he was going to make Nancy have her baby off the grid. Andy asks her out again, to jazz, but when he can only name the muppet, Mr. Teeth, as an example of a jazz musician, she says no. Then Cesar comes in with his bullet wound and Dr. Alanis – caught with the medical supplies – is blackmailed into bandaging yet another wound. And Andy wonders why she won’t go out with him?

Downstairs good brother Silas checks up on wounded brother Shane and finds out that Shane hasn’t taken any of his pain pills. Shane reveals – in disturbing detail – how he likes the pain because it distracts him from having to think about things. Silas is freaked out because, well, see line up top.

Trying to get away from how effed up everything has become, Esteban decides not to run for governor and to separate himself from Pilar so they can get married. Nancy convinces him that he should run anyway, because he can win. I guess she forgot about her son with the gunshot wound. However, she does try to protect her older son and send him out on a European backpacking adventure. Now previous season Silas would’ve jumped at the opportunity to travel to Amsterdam and seduce Australian tourists, but this is new Silas. Refusing to go on the trip, Silas informs Nancy that he’s staying, moving in with Esteban, and taking care of his brother (who was floating through the pool, obviously drunk and requesting more beer). He tells Esteban that he better protect them too. Even Esteban looks impressed. Woo Silas!

I interrupt this Silas worship fest to bring you a short message from truly despicable characters I could do without this season: Celia, Doug and Dean. This episode, Doug failing to sell You’re Pretty cosmetics, discovers that Celia’s really been selling his and Silas’ weed all along and with Dean’s help. He confronts Dean, gets him back for the private-part-drawer-crushing incident, and vows to help him take down Celia, who is “scary good” at being a drug dealer. No shocker there.

Back to the Botwins!

With Silas’ grown-up decision to stay and take better care of his family than Nancy is obviously capable, Esteban and Nancy decide to actually get married in a small ceremony in the kitchen. As a wedding gift, Andy gets Nancy to put Esteban’s name on Stevie’s certificate and then bolts before the ceremony. Meanwhile way-too-happy Ignacio, bullet-wounded Cesar, random other dude, Silas and drunk-on-champagne Shane look on as Nancy and Esteban take their vows and feed each other chocolate Entennman’s cake.

However, never to be outdone in her bizarre ways, Nancy next appears in a conjugal trailer with none other than her former supplier, who several times threatened to kill her, old buddy Guillermo. He makes several lewd suggestions and then she tells him why she’s really there. She wants Pilar dead and does he want some cake?

Was Silas right, or what?

Season 5, Episode 10: Perro Insano (Originally aired August 10, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

This week on Weeds, Nancy’s given birth to her new son, Andy becomes a daddy, Celia becomes a dealer, and lots of manhoods are put into danger.
First, Nancy finds herself confronted by mysterious, evil Mexican woman Pilar, who essentially threatens to kill her mistake of a baby. She warns her not to list Esteban as the baby’s father. Unable to deal, Nancy actually listens and lists Andy as baby Botwin’s father instead. Somehow this seems like an even worse idea.

Upon arriving home with the little tyke, the older Botwin boys contemplate their new sibling. Silas concedes that he’s sort of cute and Shane remarks, in disgust, that he’ll probably want to play soccer. I think the Botwin boys are the only characters on this show I still like.

Meanwhile Andy tells Nancy he got a phone call for the hospital on new daddy classes, and she’s got some ‘splainin to do. She tells him she had to put someone down, and he says he’s through playing “baby daddy to her kids”. Was that what he was doing this whole time? When she says pathetically that she has no one else, he asks whose fault that is. Touché, Andy. Touché.

Off to spread his seed in other ways, Andy heads to the Ren Mar Women’s Clinic to ask out Dr. Alanis Morissette. In a surprising twist, she agrees to go on a date with him. However, in less surprising news, Andy gets about 5 minutes into his date with Dr. Alanis before she tells him she thinks she’s going to leave. She thinks she’d rather be at home in her PJs watching Friday Night Lights – wouldn’t we all? She further explains that she’s a doctor and he’s an overgrown child, in far more brutally honest words. Shocked at his own short-comings and eager to prove his adult manliness in other ways, Andy arrives home and tells Nancy he’s ready to be a father. Also, he wants the baby to be Jewish.

Complying with Andy’s wishes, the family holds a bris for new baby Botwin, now named Steven Ray. Dr. Alanis comes to the bris, plays Lady Pac-Man and flirts with new Dad Andy. Of course, she says she really came over because she can’t get enough of the baby gangster daddy drama. I think it would’ve been better if she winked directly into the camera after that line.

Then predictably Esteban shows up and is really upset about the Jewish thing. His son will be baptized. Nancy tells him no, he’s not the baby’s father anymore. He lost him.

I’m not so sure this whole thing with taking away the only male child of a scary and powerful drug lord who only let you live last season because you were pregnant with a male child is really such a shrewd idea, but you know Nancy.

Celia’s dealing with some shrewd ideas of her own this week. After completely failing to sell any Your Pretty cosmetics, Celia went to ex-hubby Dean for a little legal advice. Dean’s office, however, was full of pot since he agreed to get back Silas and Doug’s confiscated marijuana in exchange for Doug slamming his manhood in a drawer. Yowch! Celia looks around the pot-filled room and sees opportunity. If she puts drugs in her make-up maybe people will buy it. She’ll even cut Dean in. Dean says he can’t, what would he tell the guys. She tells him to tell them he got “robbed by black people” and they’ll believe him because of the bruises. Before Dean can even ask “what bruises?” Celia mans up and takes a swing.

So, in sum, Nancy dumped the drug lord, Andy’s a father attempting to be responsible, Silas and Doug have nothing, and Celia’s selling drugs. Oh man.

Season 5, Episode 8: A Distinctive Horn (originally aired July 27, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

This week on Weeds Nancy has a new enemy: a mysterious Mexican woman that Nancy comes up with a creative nickname for. She does not want Esteban to marry la gringa Nancy. She is muy powerful and when Shane Wikipedias her, we also discover that she’s also mucho connected. In other words, she owns Esteban.

Shane looks at this information and suggests they leave now. He thinks she’s going to have this baby and then Esteban’s thugs are going to kill them for sport. Aiding fuel to the mounting fire, Nancy finds Cesar putting together a birthing room in house so that Nancy can have the baby at home. Cesar also tells her that her car is in the shop, broken headlight. She’s trapped.  Alarm! Alarm!

Panicking, Nancy calls Andy and tells him Esteban’s dead. Still sporting that Unabomber beard, Andy shows up and Nancy tells him Esteban’s not really dead, he just wants her to have the baby off the grid, probably so that he can take it and kill its mother. Andy agrees to help her get out, lifts her through the welded door of his ridiculous General Lee car (with only minor groping), and off they go.

In the car, Andy proceeds to make things more awkward by asking how Esteban is in bed, saying he seems like the throw you down on the table kind of guy. As it turns out, that’s exactly the kind of guy he is – as all of us who watch the show have seen. Andy points out that that’s why he and Nancy would never work (I guess other than the useless brother-in-law thing), because he’s not “rapey” enough for her. Lovely. Then, as Nancy sits there in glowing silence, Andy realizes he’s still in love with her, curses and declares that she’s “poison”. I think we can all agree that that’s pretty much true.

At Dr. Alanis Morissette’s office, Nancy tells Dr. Isn’t It Ironic that she wants to induce. Dr. Alanis thinks she should wait, but Nancy insists that she has to have the baby right away. When Dr. Alanis still hesitates, Andy steps in and explains the whole story with the baby daddy drug lord who probably wants to kill her and take her child. After thanking Andy for his discretion, Nancy cries and pleads with the doctor offering her a bag full of cash. Dr. Alanis says she’ll call the hospital and get it set up.

Finally catching on to what Nancy’s done, Esteban and Cesar come tearing through the hospital, gathering Nancy’s things. But then little baby Botwin is brought in. Esteban exclaims that Nancy doesn’t know what she’s done, but Nancy – calm and collected – asks if he’d like to hold his son.  He would.

So while Nancy’s third son was getting her out of trouble yet again, her eldest was getting himself into a bit of it. At their little pot club, Doug is continuing to spend all his time sampling the merchandise, much to Silas’ chagrin. Then, to make matters worse, their buddy the blackmailing cop, Officer Pete, comes in demanding $10K as an apology for the big bump he has on his head after Doug knocked him out last week. He threatens to charge them with assaulting a police officer, and Silas looks like he might cry.

Later that day a hot, young bikini-clad thing comes in looking for a job. Doug promptly fires one of their employees. When he asks why he’s getting fired, Doug replies that it’s so he can get laid. Ticked off, the employee goes to the back to complain to Silas who gets even more ticked off. Totally fed up with Doug, Silas calls the partnership off and storms out. Anyone else really liking this new, responsible, self-conscious Silas?

Later on, Officer Pete returns and Doug gives him his money. Dean also drops by with Silas to inform Doug that they are dissolving their partnership. Doug can’t stand the idea of the place being closed down so agrees that as long as they let him have a bowl in the morning, he’ll stay out of everything else. They all agree, just as a group of Internal Affairs cops come storming through.

Officer Pete tries to show his badge and get out, but it turns out that the fired employee is with them. They’re there for Officer Pete. They all get down on the ground.

Season 5, Episode 7: Where the Sidewalk Ends (Originally aired July 20, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

In a move a la Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill, this week’s episode of Weeds has time warped us ahead six months to a very pregnant Nancy enjoying herself living in Esteban’s big old house. While Nancy showers, she and Esteban affectionately tease each other about baby names before she gets out and he tells her that he’s “decided we will get married”. He then gives her a large but ugly ring that looks straight out of a Cracker Jack box. Nancy walks in to the bedroom to find Esteban naked and is presented with the real ring, a big old diamond this time. Nancy says yes.

Downstairs at breakfast, Nancy tries to share her engagement news with Shane but he already knew. Esteban had a talk with him and Silas. Everyone knows but Andy. Ignacio then turns up to take Shane to summer school.

While mommy enjoys domestic bliss, at Silas’ medical marijuana shop things are getting dicey. Silas tries to refuse Officer Pete some pot because he doesn’t have a prescription and Pete mentions that they’ve been light on their bribe money lately. He pulls a gun on Silas and laughs. Silas doesn’t seem to think it’s very funny.

Shane also found himself getting into more trouble than he wanted when Ignacio allowed him to skip school. Instead the twosome went to the golf course to annoy and beep at people trying to hit some drives. Shane was having a great time, until one of the golfers responded by flipping them the bird. Ignacio promptly jumped from the car and with happy enthusiasm proceeded to brutally and repeatedly beat the golfer with his own club. And the fact that Ignacio was not his buddy but rather an incredibly scary, scary guy finally seems to have dawned on Shane.

Back at the Ren Mar house, a devastated Andy who has grown a particularly hideous beard, plays Pac-Man. Silas comes home and asks how much of Judah’s money he has left – Silas is worried about the cop. Andy says he’s spent it all and gestures at the house full of arcade games and various other useless things, as well as the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazzard that’s parked in the garage.

Celia is working at Foot Locker and living in the Ren Mar garage, her daughter is spray tanning Doug (I’ll get to that in a minute) and after finally giving up decides to turn instead to selling Your Pretty cosmetics, which looks like the biggest scam there ever was.

After finding a biography of him in the bathroom (gross), Doug is trying to channel George Hamilton (thus the spray tan). Silas tells him about the problem with Officer Pete and Doug responds that, of course, they’re not selling that much pot with a cop always hanging around. He asks what George Hamilton would do. Later when Officer Pete shows up again and starts chilling in their swinging chair, Doug decides that George Hamilton would do the dumbest thing possible. So Doug tosses the cop from the chair and tells him to stop driving the customers away. The two fight. Pete takes a swing, misses and hits the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Silas looks like he’d like to jump out the window.

Outside the Ren Mar house, Nancy calls Andy. When he ignores the phone, the very pregnant woman kicks the door in. Standing right next to him, she continues to talk on the phone and leaves him a message. She says she misses him, that she’s marrying Esteban and that if he comes to see her please don’t have “a scraggly moonshiner beard unless you’re starting a cult in which case ‘go beard’”. (Sometimes this show’s funny – when it’s not disturbing the bleep out of me.)

Back at home with Esteban, Nancy wonders who Mrs. Esteban Reyes is supposed to be. In a move that surprised me, Esteban “Mr. Controlling” Reyes says she doesn’t have to change her name if she doesn’t want to. Then he goes off to fence and Andy stops by – still looking like a deranged mountain man. Andy sees Esteban fencing and mentions that he was a light saber fighting champ in High School. Why would you admit that? Esteban asks if Andy would like to fence. The two of them go at it for a little while until Nancy comes to investigate and Esteban swiftly disarms Andy.

Back in the kitchen, Andy pours out his thoughts and hurt and a little Hebrew blessing, and Nancy says she’s sorry. Ego-bruised Andy scoffs and says that when Esteban gets killed – making her a widow for the third time (Wow, I forgot about that DEA Agent she married. This girl is full of bad decisions) – he’s not coming back to make pizza bites.

Once Andy leaves, Nancy gets another surprise visitor. An attractive Hispanic woman storms through her house and argues loudly with Esteban in Spanish in the back yard. She then marches back through the house and leaves.

When Nancy asks what that was about, Esteban tells them they can’t get married. Things have changed. Seems like there’s trouble in gangster’s paradise.

Season 5, Episode 6: A Modest Proposal (Originally aired July 13, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime and IMDbPro

This week, the Botwin clan was going for what they want, using the usual Botwin means of deception, blackmail, and violent intimidation.

First getting the money he wanted, Andy went on a super-creeptastic date with a former flame of his dead brother. Throughout the date, the chick – in full-on Molly Ringwald gear – called Andy “Judah” and then had him recreate her deflowering under a beach boardwalk among the homeless. Gross, but Andy got the money and is now $186K richer.

Finding himself not so rich after his teacher ripped off all his pot, Shane gets advice from Celia’s daughter Isabel and Nancy’s latest bodyguard Ignacio. Ignacio suggests they go get even. So off they go to pot-stealing Teacher’s sad apartment where Shane threatens his teacher with a gun. Finding that he’s not all that afraid of Shane – who he thinks is bluffing – he then threatens him with Ignacio. That does the trick, and Shane gets his pot back, takes some weird instrument thing that his teacher is oddly attached to, and then shoots his teacher’s parrot.

Trying to figure out what she wants, Nancy goes to the doctor – curiously played by Alanis Morissette – and finds out all’s well with the baby. She asks when would be too late to get rid of it? The doc asks if she’s really considering that and Nancy replies that she doesn’t know. She’s got some decisions to make.

Back at the house, Nancy discovers that Celia’s been squatting in her garage after Celia found a dead Mexican – poor Sucio – in the garage cooler. Nancy responds by getting very angry at Celia and calling Esteban to come clean up the dead bodyguard mess. But Celia ultimately gets her way and gets to continue living in Nancy’s garage after taking some lovely blackmail shots of Esteban’s buddies getting rid of Sucio’s body with the help of some acid. Why Celia would want to be around this is beyond me, but at least she has a roof over her head.

Off still trying to make good on their legal (sort of) pot endeavor, Doug and Silas skip off to meet “The Wizard” in order to get him to supply their pot. But Doug was not going for his extra costs and ends up flipping out at The Wizard while Shane sits by, the surprisingly mature one. Pissed at Doug for screwing up their deal, Doug and Silas get into a bickering match which ends when Silas punches him after Doug brings up his dead father. Silas immediately apologizes and the two hug it out. Somehow these two – who used to be my least favorites – are quickly becoming the highlight of the show, along with the devious and dark Shane.

Speaking of Shane, Nancy finds out what Shane did to get his pot back and is furious at all involved. She takes Shane back to the teacher’s house where she demands that he return the weird instrument and brings him a replacement iguana. Shane then apologizes for making his cockatoo an “innocent casualty of his youthful vengeance.” When the teacher is not satisfied with this, he begins to threaten Shane with Fs and shoves him. Nancy grabs the teacher’s bat and while holding him down in a chokehold with it, tells him he’ll do no such thing. Like mother, like son. She informs the teacher that he shouldn’t abuse his position by stealing from students and tells Shane that no, he can’t kick his teacher and is punished. They’ll be no tweeting or anything electronic. Then she releases the teacher and tells him to take care of the iguana, it could be a new start for him.

But, of course, there is no new start on the horizon for Nancy. There was a dead bodyguard in her garage and last week her boyfriend and his drug dealing posse killed a DEA agent in her bedroom. Sitting with Andy, Nancy asks why f-ing Armageddon is always coming down on her. Andy replies with the obvious answer, she does it herself, she must know that. As a solution, Andy once again tells her they should run away together, just leave a note and be gone in the night. They could be happy together. Nancy agrees and next we see her, she and Andy packing, but when Andy goes to fetch her in the morning, he finds his own Dear John letter.

Nancy turns up on Esteban’s doorstep with Shane. They’re moving in.

Season 5, Episode 5: Van Nuys (originally aired July 6, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Monty Brinton

Since their Mexican bodyguard disappeared leaving behind only a trail of blood, Nancy and family were hanging out in the arcade. Andy wants to go home and suggests that Nancy’s only angry about him sleeping with Jill because she’s jealous. Nancy scoffs and reminds him that she’s pregnant with another man’s child.

Baby daddy then calls and they return home where Esteban meets Nancy’s sons for the first time. Esteban is happy with Nancy since he just found out that it really is a boy that she’s carrying. Shane is about as thrilled as Andy to meet the man who impregnated his mother while Silas tries to shut him up. Esteban then invites them to live with him in his house in California and gives Nancy a Zen baby swing. Nancy says she’ll think about the moving in thing and Esteban gives her Ignacio as a bodyguard in the meantime, who promptly tasers Andy who wets himself. Nancy is not phased and makes the goon go get a towel.

After being embarrassed by Ignacio, Andy starts working out in the garage in some awesome 80s aerobic gear. Ignacio says he looks like Jamie Lee Curtis, but Andy’s the last one laughing when he discovers an old bank book of his dead brother Judah.

Meanwhile Celia turns up, asks if Nancy’s baby is Andy’s and is promptly thrown out on her ass. Trying not to get thrown out on their asses, Doug and Silas are trying to get a space for their medical marijuana business, but the woman at the location they want won’t give it to them when she finds out what they’re planning to sell. So being the newly law-abiding citizens they are, they go to their cop friend that they’re bribing.

At school, Shane is taking a decidedly less legal route and is preparing to get $4,000 worth of pot to sell to his teacher. That has good idea written all over it. As Shane takes the majority of Silas’ pot sandwiches from the fridge, Andy reaches out to Shane as the family’s moral center. Oh boy. He asks if it would be okay to impersonate his dead brother to get some money that could help the family. Shane tells him his dad’s passport is upstairs. Andy, however, doesn’t approve of Shane’s plan to sell to his teacher and in a truly great line Shane responds, “I’m a Botwin. We’re not responsible for anything we do.” Touché.

So off Shane goes to give the pot to his teacher, who puts the duffel bag full of weed in the trunk and drives off without paying. Something tells me that that’s going to have some consequences.

Somehow not bothered by that sentiment coming from his nephew, Andy pursues his brother’s money at the local bank and has the great misfortune to have a teller that once dated his brother Judah. She wants to know where Judah is so she can tell him all the things she’s been waiting to tell the jerk. Even though there’s $186,000 in the bank, Andy does the right thing and tells the woman that Judah died.  However, the bank teller is still a little too stuck on Judah and says she’ll give Andy the money if he goes on a date with her, pretending to be Judah. Andy thinks that’s creepy but agrees for $186K. It looks like Andy’s luck might be changing.

But Nancy’s luck is only getting worse. Ignacio discovers scorned DEA Agent Till out in his car and drags him in. He’s got a gun and some brass knuckles, but no badge on him. This was about to get personal, and Nancy realizes it must have been him who killed Sucio. Ignacio reports that he’s going to drain the unconscious DEA Agent’s blood in her bathtub. Nancy takes the taser and zaps Ignacio. Not in her bathtub.

The two men finally come to after Nancy has handcuffed them both to her bed – and not in a sexy way. Roy Till wants to know which side Nancy’s on and Ignacio brings up the obvious: she’s pregnant with his boss’ baby. The two men start to leg wrestle, but when Agent Till gets a little excited, Ignacio decides they shouldn’t fight anymore. Meanwhile, Nancy doesn’t know what she’s going to do – whichever man she sets free is going to kill the other. She can’t decide and instead consults a Magic 8 Ball. When that doesn’t seem to be working, she calls Esteban.

Esteban arrives to find Nancy curled up in the hall, nearly catatonic, repeating Magic 8 Ball phrases over and over. Esteban resolves the issue, telling her there’s no right and wrong here, and he’ll do anything to protect her and their son, and then he goes into the bedroom. Later Ignacio washes up, and Nancy and Esteban go for a walk on the beach. He throws her Magic 8 Ball into the ocean and kisses her belly. No more decision-making for Nancy.

Back at the house, Andy finishes putting together the baby rocker.

Season 5, Episode 4: Super Lucky Happy (Originally aired June 29, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Cliff Lipson

After a bedding gone awry in last week’s episode, Eli is eager to make amends with Maggie – but having little luck as she is keeping hold of the evidence they absconded from a witness last week. This leads to more Maggie-Eli bickering – it’s becoming a theme – with Maggie crossing the line in court when she asks for Eli to be dismissed due to his belief that he’s a prophet of God. Yikes – what happened to sweet, innocent Maggie who believed in Eli?

Sinking to her level, Eli counters by saying that Maggie should be excluded because they had sex last week. And co-counsels Matt and Taylor are having a baby together. The judge throws her hands up and says no one’s excluded from trying the case unless any of them mention their bedroom activities or prophecies in the court room.

Speaking of prophecies, Eli finally has a vision again, seeing himself in Rome trying to follow Maggie, but he trips and can’t catch her. However, this doesn’t help him with his case defending a former news anchor, Sam Russell. Russell was demoted from his evening anchor position to the morning news and subsequently quit. He claims he was forced out because of an incriminating piece he was going to run against one of the station’s largest advertisers, Zyre Motors. Maggie and Evil Lawyer Firm – which now includes Jack from Dawson’s Creek (Kerr Smith) as lawyer Paul Rollins – are defending the news network and claiming that Russell quit and that he was demoted, not because of the piece, but because of his falling ratings.

Also, Maggie’s doing exceptionally well in court tearing Eli’s case apart, and Taylor notes it’s because he pissed her off. Hell hath no fury, they say. Eli says he’d been trying for ages to get Maggie to be this good of a lawyer, if he’d known he just had to sleep with her, he’d have done it a lot earlier. Taylor doesn’t think this is funny, and confronts Eli on his obvious feelings for Maggie. She says he’s blowing his window of opportunity.

In court, Maggie and Eli continue to fight over who’s right – the newsman led by the story or the network led by their purse strings. Eli – and I – continue to be shocked that Maggie can be working for the corporate money-grubbing man at all, but she spares nothing in her desire to get back at Eli. In a bold and uncharacteristic move, Maggie subpoenas her friend from Sonoma, Jesse Bates, to testify against Russell and admit that he was offered the demoted morning news position six months before the Zyre Motors piece and six months before he quit. This seems to really hurt Eli’s case until he realizes he can use this loophole to get access to the e-mails Maggie has been keeping as privileged. It works and Maggie – in a mean move – sends over hundreds of boxes of useless documents to his office; only one of which contains the documents Eli needs.

Luckily, however, Eli receives another premonition of himself chasing Maggie through ancient Rome. He knows which box has their documents straight away: the one with the gladiator on it. In the e-mails, Eli finds an e-mail in which the CEO of the news network asked the producer to take care of the Russell problem and Eli gets him to admit that the problem was the Zyre Motors piece. Feeling good after that confession, Eli takes a chance to express his feelings to Maggie, but before he can, she says that she’s over him. She never thought that sleeping with him was all she needed to do, but she feels nothing for him now (though her behavior certainly would suggest otherwise). Eli – daft boy that he is – believes this version of her story and goes out to give his summation.

Both Maggie and Eli give convincing closing statements – Maggie’s more so – and Eli’s worried that they’ll lose the case and, consequently, their money-starved firm. Matt Dowd, however, comes to the rescue of his Taylor’s struggling firm by offering Russell a secret settlement of $5 million if he’ll admit that he quit and stops speaking out against the media. Jordan convinces Russell that he can’t do it, even if it will save the firm, and Taylor forgives her dad for all his bad behavior (including driving her mother out of town) because of his selflessness in this case.

So in the end, they don’t take the deal and the jury rules against them and in favor of newly cutthroat lawyer, Maggie. Paul Rollins, however, has heard about what Matt tried to pull in the court with the secret settlement and threatens to fire him if it ever happens again. Matt walks away and shows up at Weathersby Stone, which is trying to figure out how it’ll survive the next couple of months. Matt asks if they need another lawyer. He tells Taylor he wants to be the kind of father who will stand up for what he cares about. Taylor then reveals that they’re having a girl and it gets really gooey.

Inspired by the sap-fest – and apparently over his devastating court loss – Eli takes off to see Maggie with flowers in hand. But when he arrives at her office, she’s zipping off in a car with Paul Rollins. So Eli hands his flowers off to the receptionist, believing his window of opportunity with Maggie has closed.
But don’t worry Eli, inevitably Jack – I mean Paul – will turn out to be gay and then become bosom buddies with your blond former paramour. Then he’ll marry your cop – I mean doctor – brother. Right?

Let’s hope Maggie sees the error of her ways soon – only two episodes left for these crazy kids to get it together.

Season 2, Episode 11: Mortal Combat (Originally aired June 27, 2009)

For more on Eli Stone, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC

After disappearing off the air for a good six months, Eli Stone returned to finish out its season in the Saturday at 10 p.m. timeslot. Though previously I’ve loved this show, it sadly seemed to belong in its new no-hope air-time. This episode’s plot was lacking, and there were no visions or musical numbers or philosophical morals. There was just Eli and Maggie finally getting together in the most disappointing manner ever. Sad.

In the episode, aptly titled Sonoma, Eli and Taylor joined up with their rival attorneys – and love interests – Matt Dowd and Maggie for a road trip to Sonoma to talk to a witness who has been locked up for something or other. Because Matt and Taylor are looking for a vacation, they rope their law partners into traveling together, leading to a lot of Eli and Maggie bickering. Normally, I would approve of their bickering – but this was who’s more righteous bickering with Maggie obviously on the wrong side – an unusual place for her – and I wasn’t liking it.

After a lot more of this bickering and worst reality show ever jokes, they arrive in Sonoma to interview Jesse Bates, the witness they need for their case. But Jesse will only help them if they help her first. The now-client Ms. Bates, an art dealer, is being held for stealing a painting which she refused to give back to its owners after discovering that it was taken from a Jewish family during the Holocaust. Seeming like a moral injustice case right up Eli and Maggie’s alleys, they agree to help her out.

However, their little road trip takes a turn for the worst when they enter court and discover that head chair lawyer, Matt Dowd (he won at rock, paper, scissors – you’d think a guy named Stone would play rock more), once dumped their judge. In fact, he left her waiting for him at the airport. Real nice. So she promptly seeks her revenge by holding him in contempt of court – which no actual judge would ever do because she’d lose her chair pronto. But off Matt Dowd goes to jail and after Taylor stands up for Matt and calls the judge bitter, she goes off to jail, too.

It’s up to Eli and Maggie to work together and prove that the painting is a Holocaust artifact while getting the only living relative of the family, Katie, who owned it back to the country so she can claim it. While working on their case, Eli and Maggie enjoy a lot of red wine together and Maggie reveals that she met Eli while she was a law student and that they sang karaoke. He did an awful rendition of a George Michael song, of course. Then, because this episode needed something to happen, Eli and Maggie sleep together. It’s horribly uneventful and not nearly as sexy as it should have been.

The next morning, Eli wakes up and is feeling guilty. He admits to Maggie that earlier he discovered he has a second aneurysm. The phone rings to let them know that the granddaughter for the painting, Katie, has arrived in California, and Maggie storms off thinking Eli only used her to feel better about his aneurysm (which is pretty lame and out of character for her).

So off they go to court, where it becomes really obvious that the painting in concern definitely belonged to Katie and her family. Not only does the woman in the painting look exactly like her, but she’s wearing the necklace she got from her grandmother. However, Katie doesn’t want the painting back and asks that the current owners sell it to a museum so others can see it. Everyone gets weepy, the judge forgives the offending lovers she’s put in jail, and they all leave happily. Or do they?

Eli goes to talk to their witness, Jesse, and she reveals that she already gave everything she had to Maggie. Jesse thought they were working together. Well, she and Eli apparently thought wrong. Maggie has disappeared back to San Francisco with the evidence and Eli’s broken heart.

Back in San Francisco, brother Nathan is dealing with Eli’s latest aneurysm by trying to get to the bottom of its cause. Eli revealed before he left that he’d been seeing Dr. Lee for some dark medicine so Nate tried to see her, faking an illness, but Dr. Lee saw through his act quickly and gave him no new info. So Nate returned to Dr. Chen who gave him some startling news. Nate and Eli’s father had been given the “Dark Truth” treatment by Dr. Chen and he died a week later. Looks like Eli may be suffering from more than a broken heart. Nate tells Dr. Chen that they have to tell Eli, but after a few more frustrating unreturned calls to Maggie, Eli blows up at Chen when he tells him and demands he leave.

Poor Eli – looks like he needs a little vision to get him through this one. Maybe next week will bring on some revelations? One can only hope.

Season 2, Episode 10: Sonoma (Originally aired June 20, 2009)

For more on Eli Stone, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC

This week on Weeds, Nancy got a new bodyguard named Sucio – which literally means “dirty” – and who was very okay with his “man smell”. Lovely. Shortly after his arrival, Nancy discovers that she’s bleeding and demands that Andy take her to the Mexican doctor she can’t understand. Soon-to-be Papa Esteban meets them there and Andy and he have a delightful little verbal throw down in which Esteban most certainly wins, calling Andy a clown. The doctor also suggests that Nancy needs to have less stress in her life – which certainly seems unlikely, especially when she arrives home to find that Silas wants to start a medicinal marijuana operation with Doug and that Shane and her sister Jill have returned. Shane has blackmailed Jill to return him home by taking pictures of her and Andy getting it on on the washing machine. That’s nice and stress free, surely.

Rather than getting pissed at her creepy son, however, Nancy gets ticked at Jill and her brother-in-law, Andy. Jill is upset and obviously jealous of how Nancy overshadows her, so she asks Andy where the bedroom is and suggests they use it. Later, we’re treated to a very awkward and revealing family dinner in which Jill continues to harp on Nancy’s attention-getting ways by talking about how she dated one of her teachers in high school. Nancy denies it and then asks why they’re arguing about it: she was thirteen, and he was a pedophile. Yikes, no wonder Nancy turned out the way she did. Nancy excuses herself to go throw up, Sucio goes to help her, and Jill wonders if he’s homeless. She’s still got no clue what’s really going on.

Speaking of clueless, Doug and Silas are trying to be legit with their medical marijuana business, but the bank won’t give them a loan without law enforcement approval. So Doug and Andy buddy up to a chubby cop who agrees to sign their paperwork in exchange for a monthly bribe. I’m sure that won’t blow up in anyone’s face.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia is angering her revolutionary by trying to take control of his business and mothering him. He doesn’t seem to appreciate this and by the end she’s been drugged and put on a bus back to Texas.

But back in the Botwin house, Nancy has finally convinced Sucio to take a much needed shower in their outdoor shower. She goes to get a loofah and returns to find Sucio’s clothes and some drops of blood. Not good, not good.

She retrieves Shane and allows Andy and Jill to finish what they were up to before telling them they have to leave.  She piles them in the car, and Jill and Nancy finally air their grievances over Nancy leaving Jill to take care of their ailing parents. Nancy screams her apologies and Jill says she always wanted to be Nancy. Esteban then calls and Nancy tells him she’s fleeing since she doesn’t know whether he’s going to let her live or not, but she’d like bodyguard Cesar back. She hangs up and asks a stunned Jill if she still wants her screwed-up life.

Nearby, DEA Agent Till watches.

Season 5, Episode 3: Su-Su-Sucio (Originally aired June 22, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Cliff Lipson

Weeds – Showtime’s beloved family drama about a mom who deals with the death of her husband by dealing pot, burning down her suburban community, moving to the Mexican border, getting impregnated by a Mexican drug lord, and then ratting him out to the police – returned on Monday night with all its good, healthy, American values intact.

The season five premiere started with a bang – actually two – as Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) ducked on the floor and Cesar (Enrique Castillo) shot two lackeys who overheard that Nancy was a pregnant snitch. Esteban (Demian Bichir) then let Nancy go. Instead of going home, however, she went to the mall to drink one of those ubiquitous iced drinks she’s always sipping on. She also discovered there was blood on her bag. This freaked her out – I guess because the dead guys that got shot for standing at a door weren’t ominous enough for her.

Back at the house Silas (Hunter Parrish), Doug (Kevin Nealon), and Andy (Justin Kirk) discussed their new pot growing plans and Shane (Alexander Gould) showed off his new haircut, height and earring. Aware that Nancy might not be coming back, Shane and Silas rock paper scissored over Nancy’s room while Andy suggested they close it up in plastic so no one can ever touch it. Nancy comes back and is thrilled to see she was so missed.

The next morning, Nancy got a call from Mexico. But it wasn’t Esteban, it was a ransom call for Celia (Elizabeth Perkins) who’s been kidnapped by her daughter Quinn (Haley Hudson, who used to fool around with Silas back in season 1) and her revolutionary boyfriend Rudolpho (Kevin Alejandro). Nancy explained that she wasn’t really friends with Celia and went back to sleep. This was too bad for Celia since her ex-husband Dean (Andy Milder) already said he wouldn’t pay the ransom either.  Then Andy came in and suggested that they all go to Copenhagen to escape the Mexican Mafia – oh, and he loves her. Nancy responded by telling him she’s pregnant. Then Cesar called. She’d be meeting drug lord bf at 2 p.m.

At school, Shane was taking up the family biz by dealing pot in the library. Shane’s English teacher showed up, obviously aware of the situation. But he wasn’t there to rat Shane out, he was there to get a little something to help him grade papers on Anne Frank that night. Shane was happy to oblige.
At the police station, Sanjay (Maulik Pancholy) was talking to Agent Till (Jack Stehlin) about how he doesn’t know anything because he was too distracted by the one good-looking drug dealer to notice anything else. Oh Jonathan, I like you so much better when you’re worshiping at the feet of Jack Donaghy.  Anyway, Rudolpho called and asked Till for a ransom for Celia. Till had some rather nasty words for the kidnapper and dismissed it as a prank. Ah, law enforcement at its finest.

Then Doug got a ransom call while discussing the pot-planting operation with Silas and Andy. He hung up. Then it was Andy’s turn for a ransom call, but rather than answer the question, Andy went off on a tirade about people dying and having babies, even women in their 40s. Because they’re not as dumb as they look, Doug and Silas realized maybe Nancy was hiding something. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia was shocked that no one would pay her ransom. No one else was. Quinn got ticked and said that if no one would pay, they’d just kill her and sell her organs. Then she ordered Rudolpho to come and have sex with her. She’s demanding.

At her 2 p.m. appointment another bad mother was dealing with her own problem child at the OB-GYN. At a Spanish-speaking doctor’s office, Esteban tried to get Nancy to sign forms she couldn’t read. She resisted and suggested they go to a doctor she can understand. Esteban got aggressive, told her to lie back, and show the doctor that there was a boy in her flat stomach. Left alone on the table, Nancy started to cry. Yeah, pregnant women can be so emotional when their baby’s father is trying to get them to submit to shady procedures while threatening them with violent death if they don’t comply. It’s the hormones.

Elsewhere in Mexico, Celia tried to make amends with Quinn by offering to go to a spa. Quinn responded by showing her mother some lovely photos of what they were going to do to her on the black market. Celia was none too pleased and started going off about how she didn’t live through cancer to die this way. Also smarter than he looks, Rudolpho realized that if Celia’s had cancer, she’s also had radiation, and with a double mastectomy they’d never be able to hide that on the black market. Celia’s organs were worth nothing. Quinn then attacked Celia, but Rudolpho stopped her and she left in a huff to find another revolutionary to commit crime with.

At the Botwin house Andy was dealing with the whole Nancy pregnancy scenario by baking lots and lots of banana bread. Shane wanted to know what was going on, and Doug informed him that his mom’s eggo is preggo. Shane was shocked. Then Nancy came home and was pleased by the bread which Andy made because he thought they could still be friends even though she’s an “irresponsible slutty slut” who had unprotected sex with a “Mexican gangsta”. Obviously touched, Nancy then asked Andy to take Shane up to her sister’s house to keep him safe.

Shane was angry that the pregnancy thing was for real and responded by wondering how old Nancy is. Nancy had no response (answer: older than she looks). Silas wanted to know when the abortion was, but Nancy said she was keeping the baby and Andy pointed out that it was the only thing keeping her Mexican gangster boyfriend from killing her. Shane refused to go to Oakland, he and Silas argued, and then began to wrestle to the floor the way brothers do. Nancy tried futilely to get them to stop by picking up a fresh-from-the-oven loaf of banana bread, burning her hand, and dropping it to the floor. Andy responded with the most apropos line of the episode: “You ruin everything you touch!”

Silas showed no sympathy for his burned mother and left to go plant his weed. Then Shane and Andy left for Oakland. All alone, Nancy headed to an outdoor mall to drink an iced coffee and watch a spontaneous dance performance (not as good as this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&feature=related) which made her smile. Then she realized she wasn’t really alone. Cesar was watching.

Season 5, Episode 1: Wonderful Wonderful (originally aired June 8, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Sonja Flemming

This week on Weeds, Nancy Botwin’s drug-lord, mayor boyfriend decided that his pregnant, pot-dealing girlfriend required a babysitter. This actually seemed like a pretty smart move considering the stellar decision-making Nancy’s displayed thus far on this show. It might have been better if the babysitter, Cesar, wasn’t also a ruthless hit man though.

So Nancy came down the stairs to find Cesar just chilling on her couch with his hand gun. Good morning! Shockingly Nancy was not too happy to see the cold-blooded killer in her living room and called her drug lord boyfriend Esteban to tell him to “call off his goon”. It’s good that she could maintain her wit in a situation like that. Plus, she spotted a little Jesus bobblehead doll – which offended the cold-blooded killer – with a note on the bottom addressed to “Blanca”, the nickname Guillermo gave her before she snitched on him and his secret tunnel to Mexico to the DEA.

To get her mind off the fact that the father of her unborn child hasn’t decided whether to let her live or die, Nancy went to get a pedicure. Skipping off to get a bikini wax, Nancy disappeared behind a curtain and out the back away from Cesar who was stuck with his feet in the dead skin-eating fish tank. I seriously couldn’t make this up. But she didn’t run far from trouble, heading to prison to have a little one-to-one chat with Guillermo. He said that he knows she was the one who turned him in and that her boyfriend’s going to kill her. She said he won’t. Couldn’t Guillermo tell she was glowing? Well, apparently he didn’t think that would get her out of trouble and with some very unbecoming language told Nancy exactly what he thought was going to happen to her. Nancy also started to realize that he was probably right: she was in way over her head.

Now pretty sure than she’s a dead woman walking, Nancy went to Dean to tell him where she hid all her money and that if she dies Silas should be Shane’s guardian. Somehow that just seems like a worse idea than getting knocked up by a Mexican drug lord. Speaking of, Nancy behaved exactly like the kind of woman you’d want having your child by going to a sushi restaurant, eating raw fish, drinking whiskey, and smoking. Then she got all choked up about how she once leapt from a bridge as a child. The newspaper wrote that she fell, but she didn’t, she leapt. So I guess that means Nancy has always had a little bit of a death wish?

Anyway, she leapt right from the sushi place to her boyfriend’s place. When he came in and was a teensy bit angry about her drunkenness, she grabbed his gun and told him that if he was going to kill her he should do it then. Esteban reacted by, hmm, asserting his dominance in a sexually violent way. Lovely couple these two, really.

In other lovely couple news, Andy got with Nancy’s sister Jill (Jennifer Jason Leigh in glasses – because she’s frumpy, I guess). Andy was sleeping on Jill’s couch along with Shane, with whom he’s hiding out from Nancy’s crazy drug lord life. Andy told Jill – a wife and mom to two freaky twin girls – that Nancy witnessed a murder so they needed to get away. Jill didn’t believe this, but did proceed to get very, very drunk and bond with Andy about how her husband and Nancy don’t appreciate them. Then they had inappropriate sex on the dryer. Shane witnessed this from outside and captured it on his phone. What a lovely family Nancy has.

Speaking of her family, eldest son Silas was out hiking in a national park with Doug looking for a place to grow their new strain of weed. Instead they stumbled upon some other people who had already thought up that idea and they thought to bring large weapons too. Silas and Doug did not think about the large weapons so they were tied up and the chief pot grower found Silas’ weed. But then he let them go, because Silas didn’t have a dad. However, he kept all the pot, leaving Silas with nothing. So how will he be a drug dealer like his mom now? Maybe he won’t? For goodness sake, can’t someone in this family make good? A little redemption in the midst of all this insanity would be nice right about now. But don’t count on it.

Season 5, Episode 2: Machetes Up Top (originally aired June 15, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Monty Brinto

Todd Phillips’ latest boys-club comedy, The Hangover was vulgar, vapid, ludicrous, disgusting, and incredibly offensive. Morally, I object to it on almost every level – or at least I know I should. But truth is I nearly peed myself. And you will too, because, dude, it was damn funny.

What starts out as a typical bachelor party in a fancy Las Vegas Suite quickly devolves into a lecherous, completely insane and highly unlikely night of debauchery after the four friends accidentally get roofied. Waking up the next morning in various states of ridiculousness – missing teeth, missing pants, missing shirts (nice Bradley Cooper) – the hung over fellas realize that they’re also missing their friend, the groom.

So the boys go in search of their lost buddy, Doug (Justin Bartha), in the hopes of getting him back in time for his wedding, and in their search, discover that they got into a whole lot of incredible trouble the night before. There’s not much that happens to the boys that’s slightly believable. It’s true “some guys just can’t handle Vegas”, but few get roofied, kidnapped, arrested, hospitalized, married, marred, tasered, rich, and transformed into raging kleptomaniacs all in one night. At least, I’m pretty sure. Believable or not, the boy-men’s drunken misadventures in Sin City are made highly entertaining by its stereotypical boy-men: goofy goodie-goodie Dentist Stu (Ed Helms), bordering on mentally-challenged Alan (Zach Galifianakis), and arrogant, handsome instigator Phil (Bradley Cooper).

Helms hones his comedy muscles as the nice, good guy – heavily beaten into submission by his iron fisted girlfriend (Rachael Harris). Horribly for him and luckily for us, straight-laced Stu’s the one that made the most mistakes of anyone in his forgotten evening and struggles to figure out how he’s going to fix what his uninhibited self did. Galifianakis – who’s been shaking up funnyordie.com with his “Between Two Ferns” interviews – continues to demonstrate his skills at making you feel really, really uncomfortable by saying things no one would ever say, ever. Galifianakis’ character certainly has not a shred of social grace or awareness, which results in some brilliantly awkward hilarity and a lot more nudity than I’d really like from Galifianakis. In fact there was a lot of nudity in this film that I didn’t really need to see. However, the skin was appreciated when it came to Bradley Cooper.

I’ve seen Cooper in a lot of things from Alias to He’s Just Not That Into You, but I’ve never seen him as a leading man material. Well, I take it back. Cooper’s wicked, sarcastic, and devilishly-handsome Phil was the smart ass who made the whole thing watchable. Plus, the poor guy really wanted to find his friend – it was almost endearing. Almost.

Full of gross-out humor, physical comedy, slapstick, and memorable one-liners, Hangover is a movie every guy you know will be quoting and rehashing by weekend’s end.  From Mike Tyson’s cameo to Heather Graham’s rack (certainly not her acting – or total lack thereof), to the “naked man” (Ken Jeong) attack there’s plenty of idiotic, bizarre situations to pull from. As such, it would be easy to dismiss The Hangover as another boys club film, hell-bent on being outrageous, but it crosses the line so boldly that – unlike the boys – you won’t forget this boys’ night soon.

Newbie writer and director Rian Johnson made himself a bit of a cult legend with his debut film Brick, a fascinating film noir set in a high school. Following it up was going to be difficult. But his quirky, fun, delightful, entertaining, and clever The Brothers Bloom does such a good job of capturing the spirit of the zany heist that you might as well forget about the somewhat elusive Brick.

Rian has his cast partially to thank for that. Indie darling Mark Ruffalo hits all the right notes as the cocky conman and mastermind, Stephen Bloom, who plans out his intricate cons as a poet pens his verses always casting his brother as the hero. Playing the reluctant conman, anti-hero, and younger brother, known only as Bloom, is Adrien Brody whose quiet charm is always a treat.

Stephen has been writing Bloom’s life since childhood when they first conned the children in podunk town – a deliciously mischievous, precocious, and humorous scene that opens the film’s misadventures. When young Stephen Bloom (Max Records) calls the town children “playground bourgeoisie” you know you’re in for a treat.

Rounding out the conning trio is an assassin named Bang Bang (Rinko Kikuchi) who doesn’t speak, but hardly needs to. Ms. Kikuchi doesn’t require dialogue to steal a scene.

But the biggest scene stealer of them all is Rachel Weisz as the doe-eyed mark, Penelope, a rich New Jersey heiress whose spent her whole life sheltered. And when I say sheltered, I mean sheltered. She spent her entire childhood indoors, thanks to an unlucky mishap at the doctor’s when she was young, has very few social graces, knows a lot of useless and not so useless skills, and quite possibly has never been kissed. And best of all, she thinks a little danger might suit her and knows that Bloom will suit her even better.

So off the conmen, their mark, and their silent nuclear weapon expert go on a ship called the Fidele, to run into trouble across Europe and Mexico. As Stephen’s con hits some road bumps and Bloom and Penelope find love in a train car, the conmen disguised as smugglers disguised as antique dealers into The Curator, an accomplice of the Brothers Bloom played to pitch-perfect hilarity by Robbie Coltrane as well as the Brothers’ old Russian teacher, Diamond Dog (Maximilian Schell). Mayhem and hilarity ensues.

The film is chock full of laugh out loud moments, twists, turns, tricks, and big reveals. It’s got clever dialogue, witty one-liners, and mysterious escapes. It’s an adventure story in the ilk of The Italian Job (the original, not the Mark Walberg thing) and Ocean’s Eleven, a crime caper full of lush foreign landscapes, rail ride romance, exploding towers, and aces up your sleeve. It’s an inspired con – most of all because you won’t know whose being conned ‘til the end.

But more than a fun-filled adventure, where Johnson’s film succeeds is in its smarts. Rian certainly knows his films and pays loving homage to them, from the sun streaming through the windows on a thoughtful criminal in a tilted fedora to the Wes Anderson-like opening montage. It’s full of thoughtful foreshadowing and carefully-placed details. It’s also one big literary exercise. It’s a retelling of James Joyce’s iconic Ulysses with the crafty, intellectual writer Stephen (drop the Daedalus), the lost, lonely Bloom (drop the Leopold), and the adventure-seeking, ever-waiting Penelope (Bloom pending). Reimagining Ulysses is no easy task – hell, reading Ulysses is no easy task – but Rian Johnson jumps right in and never looks back, and it’s that kind of talent that makes a great movie.

What are you waiting for? Adventure beckons.

I wasn’t a huge fan of The Da Vinci Code. The book was interesting enough, but the film was flat – making all that was provocative in the novel, neutral and unthreatening. The Da Vinci Code downplayed the scandalous, wild and completely unproven theories about Christ’s origins that made the book so riveting – even to Catholics like myself who didn’t buy its symbology conspiracies for a minute and who already knew about the Niceaen Counsel, thank you very much. Still it was interesting. However, if Dan Brown’s prequel, Angels and Demons was as provocative as its more popular Code – no, I didn’t read the prequel – there was no sign of it at all in Ron Howard’s snooze of a film.

Formulaic at best, there were very few surprises in Angels and Demons, and it took about an hour of Tom Hanks talking a lot – I mean, a lot a lot – before any action took place at all. I’ll give Howard a bit of a break here. Angels and Demons is a mystery that requires a lot of explanation, a lot of history and back story – something which works a lot better in a book than it does in a film. However, Ron Howard is usually very good at creating tension with language alone. I saw the verbal wrestling match that was Frost Nixon. I know what Howard’s capable of – this was hardly it.

But here’s the plot in a nutshell. A beloved pope has died and all the cardinals are gathering to elect a new one. However, the four most likely candidates have gone missing. Meanwhile someone has broken into a top-secret government lab and stolen something known as the “God Particle” – a possible source of all creation. That almost sounds sexy and interesting, except that it’s really an experiment by sexy super-scientist Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zurer) who was working on creating new kinds of renewable energy sources. So this movie is really about green power! Except that the “God Particle” is really a bit of highly-combustible anti-matter that conveniently – or inconveniently if you’re the citizens of Rome – will combust and blow up the whole city at exactly midnight. And until midnight the rouge group of science-loving Catholic terrorists known as the Illuminati – who apparently date back to Galileo now (although they were really a 18^th century secret society that started in Bavaria) – are going to kill off one potential pope per hour to show that they’re really serious about science, or something.

Explaining that – that was the first hour – then it was time for the thrill ride that was potential-pope-ricide. To save the potential popes and the city of Rome, Tom and his sexy scientist sidekick had to follow the trail of the Illuminati with symbols of wind, earth, fire, water, and some mysterious fifth symbol. (It was Heart right? Captain Planet! I told you, this is really about green power!) However, while in The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks and team followed the trail to Mary Magdalene through lots of paintings, museums, and famous Da Vinci puzzles, this time around we follow angels that point. Yes, literally, they follow the general direction that the angel statues are pointing! This results in a lot of Tom Hanks yelling about directions. Is that North? Southwest? Could someone just give the guy a compass?

No better is what they find when they follow the fingers into forgotten churches and public squares, which are some truly brutal priest slaughtering. I’m not sure, but suspending a cardinal, who really did nothing wrong, by chains and burning him alive in a church is not something I enjoy seeing on film. It was gruesome and sometimes unnecessarily so. It was also implausible – how do they arrive one minute late every time! And how does college professor Tom Hanks live while all the guys with the guns die? Some mysteries shall never be solved.

Anyway, helping Tom Hanks and Dr. Vetra follow the angels’ pointing fingers were Stellan Skarsgard as Commander Richter, the head of the Swiss Guard that protects the Vatican, and Ewan McGregor as the former Pope’s favorite son and personal assistant, Camerlengo Patrick McKenna. Skarsgard’s Commander is smarmy, snarky, and no-nonsense while McGregor’s young Irish priest is earnest with a bid of a Messiah complex. Also thrown in for good measure were a creepy, possibly power-hungry Cardinal Strauss (Armin Mueller-Stahl) and a Lieutenant Valenti (Victor Alfieri) whose eyebrows were made for villainy. Seriously, if you don’t know who the bad guy is here within the first fifteen minutes, I don’t think you’ve ever seen a movie with a “twist ending” before.

Speaking of bad guys, boy were they boring. While The Da Vinci Code had an Albino monk who self-flagellated himself for his own sins, a conservative, controlling Cardinal, a faithful and honest cop who knew not what he did, and an old crippled man trying desperately to show the truth to the world, this film has a paid assassin and a psychologically-warped villain whose motives are never really all that clear. There’s nothing interesting about these villains – no ambiguity. They’re evil and that’s that.

On the upside, Italy was looking beautiful. I really must visit.

I’ve been known to get teary in a film or seven. I mean, My Girl is sad and touching, okay? But I have never cried in an animated film before. Not even Bambi or Dumbo could get me going, but all that changed on Saturday when I discovered a little, old man named Carl Fredricksen (voiced by Ed Asner) and his wild-haired, wild-hearted love Ellie (voiced by Elie Docter).

To say that Pixar has done it again would be unsurprising – they have not yet failed to bring me the best films of the year and this is no different. Up is a treasure, with surprising characters, detailed beautiful animation, and the kind of story-telling that movies were made for. What surprised me was the maturity of the light-hearted film.

Still clearly a treat for children with its gentle humor, slapstick comedy, old man battles, and talking dogs (of the clever language-converting collar invention variety, not the shoot-me-please Chihuahua variety), the film revolved around a very adult theme: grief and regret. It’s about loss and how we deal with it. It’s about moving on. And for Carl Fredricksen moving on meant releasing balloons through his chimney and traveling poetically through the skies in a flying house, on his way to the one adventure he never had.

Joining him on his journey to self-healing and South America, is a round, adorably obnoxious wilderness scout named Russell (Jordan Nagai) who is trying to help the elderly in order to earn his final badge and become a senior wilderness scout. But there’s more to Russell than meets the eye, and together the grumpy old man and the annoying little scout form an unlikely friendship that will tug at your balloon strings.

The twosome make some other friends on their adventure to Paradise Falls including a bird named Kevin – who turns out to be a mommy trying to get back to her chicks – and a dumb, but lovable and loyal dog named Dug (Bob Peterson), who can talk thanks to the collar his master gave him. And then there’s his master, the film’s villain, voiced by Christopher Plummer, who’s out to capture Kevin with the help of his trained army of talking, cooking, dusting, plane-flying dogs.

I won’t reveal much more lest I ruin some of your fun, but Up is a charmer. It’s a simple feat of story-telling, with a sweet, sentimental and not nearly often enough told story about the people we sometimes overlook. It’s brilliantly drawn with the kind of detail only Pixar seems to capture – right down the growing whiskers on Carl’s chin. It’s also lovely to see in 3D – where you get your own Carl Fredricksen glasses – and the 3D animation never falls back on gimmicky shots of things flying toward you. Instead it provides you with a little depth – which seems so very appropriate.

It’s a gem, that’s for sure. From it’s opening moments, Up soars right into your heart and doesn’t let go. I dare you not to shed a tear.

This week on Dancing with the Stars was the semi-final which means the remaining four stars are bringing out the big guns. And they definitely brought it with some of the best routines of the season so far. But first we had to suffer through a whole lot of clips from earlier in the season and the stars recalled their favorite Dancing moments. Boring! On to the dance…

First up were Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani with a foxtrot. It was good, but didn’t make me want to jump up and cheer. The judges seemed to be in agreement. Bruno said it was good, but not as exhilarating as it should be, and Carrie Ann was similarly underwhelmed. Len, however, loved her much improved feet. Total: 28

For her second dance, Melissa and Tony tackled a cha cha, which should have been great, but again was just so-so. I don’t think Tony’s really a whiz at the choreography, because technically difficult as Melissa’s dancers are, they’re not coming across as crowd-pleasing. On the upside, Melissa did manage to keep her hat on. Thank Goodness! The judges felt the same as her first dance. As Len said, he liked it, but not as much as he wanted to. Total: 27

The next couple to strut their stuff for a ballroom number was Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke with a waltz. It was creamy, smooth, frothy goodness and reminded me of Sleeping Beauty and her prince dancing across the clouds – like floating through a dream. The judges likewise swooned and Len gave Gilles a sitting standing ovation – whatever that is. Total: 30

Then it was time for Gilles to shake it with a samba – turn on those cold showers now, ladies. Gilles shook it all right. The dance was show-stopping fun with lots of bum wiggling and shoulder shimmying. It was exactly what a semi-final number should be. Carrie Ann wooed, Bruno made some sort of Lil’ Kim reference I won’t even repeat, and Len said he wished he had an “11″ paddle. And Gilles acted humble and touched by the judges’ words. Aww. Total: 30

Unlucky to have to follow Gilles in his perfect evening was little gymnast Shawn Johnson who cut down the dance floor with Mark Ballas for an Argentine Tango. It was technically perfect – as Shawn’s dances always are – with its rhythmic kicks and lovely dips, but something was lacking for me. The judges, however, disagreed with me and showered the 17-year-old with praise and a perfect score. Total: 30

Shawn and Mark followed up their perfect tango with a fun and bubbly jive that I loved but the judges hated – well, not hated. Len thought there was too much messing about, Bruno liked messing about (oh we know you do), and Carrie Ann thought it lost steam. Total: 26

Closing out the rounds was rodeo champ Ty Murray and Chelsie Hightower. They began with Viennese waltz that left the judges arguing at their table. Len thought it was fabulous – he loves Ty’s frame, but Carrie Ann and Bruno were much more critical and then there was the yelling. Yikes. Tom Bergeron ushered his contestants back stage. Total: 25

Then it was time for Ty’s Latin number – say uh-oh – and it was OK, but certainly not great. Ty’s just not of the same caliber as the other remaining dancers and it really showed tonight in their samba. But Carrie Ann was kind and called Ty the most valuable player and Bruno opted to congratulate Chelsie instead for being able to teach him to do anything at all. Total: 23

On to Tuesday night’s results show – though I think we all know who’s getting the boot. First there was a performance by Grammy winner Raphael Saadiq, who I’d never heard of before, but who sang an upbeat and entertaining soul number. In an odd move, the judges voted to see an encore of Shawn’s Tango rather than one of Gilles’ perfect routines, and then we were treated to the pro competition. Remaining were my favorites from the start, Mayo Alanen who’d be dancing with Kym Johnson this week, and Anna Demidova who’d have to tame Maksim Chmerkovksy. Mayo and Kym danced the Tango first and while it had a lot working for it, the Tango should be hotter – especially with Australian seductress Kym on your arm. But the judges wanted more personality. Anna and Maks then performed a quickstep which was charming and fun and not at all boring – quite a feat for the usually laborious quickstep. My money’s on the Russian, but the two pro contestants still had one more dance to do. Mayo and Kym returned with a cha cha cha that lacked pizzazz and Mayo seemed like he was reading rehearsed answers when he spoke with Samantha backstage. Anna and Maks then returned with a fun and flirty samba where Anna showed her stuff. The judges loved her and Len said if Anna’s not back next season he’ll show his bum in the supermarket. So, you know, for the sake of humanity, let’s hope she wins.

Finally it was time for those other results and to find out which star was packing their dancing shoes and hitting the road. And the loser was, Ty Murray. So long, Cowboy!

Season 8, Round 9: Episodes 18 and 19 (originally aired May 11 and 12, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

First off I just want to say, I was right. Good? Okay, so on to the finale.

After some personal tutelage from the judges and a few inappropriate shots of Bruno in a Speedo, – Why producers? Why? – the contestants kicked off the finale with a powerful paso doble in which each remaining couple got to show off their skills.

After some skirt twirling, Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas took off with a precise and strong paso. She was followed in the showdown by Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani whose paso contained a lot of kicks – taking full advantage of Melissa’s long limbs. Then Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke took over the floor, stomping out their competition with sexy male dominance. They all returned for the final few steps, polished off with perfect synchronization. Boy these “stars” can dance.

The judges rule on the paso showdown. They don’t think Shawn committed enough emotionally and give her a 28. Melissa was great – that was about all we got. They gave her a 29. And all three judges agreed that Gilles is perfection, I mean danced perfectly, eh, you know what I mean. They gave him a perfect 30. (Me too!)

Then it was time for the highly-anticipated freestyle dance. At least Tom told us it was highly anticipated – usually it results in disappointment. First up was Shawn and Mark. Would Shawn be able to rebound from her slightly less than perfect score to go for the gold? She sure could!

In one of the best freestyles I’ve seen in a few seasons, Shawn and Mark took to the floor in silver masks and black tracksuits for a bit of mime mimicking. Then they stripped off the tracksuits for some fun green jumpsuits and leapt to the stage for a romping, flipping, high-energy and highly-synchronized routine that was fun, fun, fun. Bruno was up on his feet applauding the little tumbler (which meant he was heading toward his “10″ paddle). Carrie Ann said it was exactly what they want from a freestyle, and Len just loved it. Plus, I think it may officially be impossible to out-cute Shawn Johnson. The judges rewarded her peppy greatness with a perfect 30. And this race just got interesting.

Next up was Melissa and Tony who hit the floor in revealing tops and pulled off lots and lots of tricks. But Carrie Ann and Bruno were critical in their assessment saying there was not enough substance, just lots of tricks, and Len bemoaned that Melissa didn’t show off her more elegant side. That said they still all gave it really high marks for a 27.

Finally it was up to Gilles to close the show. He and Cheryl danced to the song from Flashdance, and I think that Cheryl was confused because she  choreographed the dance for herself. She was clearly the star of the number and Gilles did his best to support her. It was pretty boring for a freestyle. But Len liked it – because he’s boring – and the other two were less than enthused. They rewarded him with a 28 anyway, for being everyone’s favorite.

So then it was on to Tuesday’s big results show. As is tradition all the other kicked off dancers showed up and proved that the best three really had made it to the final. Lady Gaga performed twice with stunning pyrotechnics and back up dancers and ’80s/Prince inspired outfits that confused me. Was she supposed to be a butterfly? Kiss? Alien? Other show highlights were the reveal of new pro winner Anna Demidova. I was glad the best woman won – but whose spot will she be taking?

Last season’s contestant Jeffrey Ross showed up again to roast this season’s stars – which he had to Google before the show. The best part was when he said that Bergeron (as in the host Tom) was an old French word meaning Seacrest and when he said that Gilles may not have had the biggest role in Sex and the City but he had the biggest part. Can they say that on a family program?

Finally the contestants talked a little overdramatized smack and got to dance their favorite routine again for the judges’ votes. Shawn and Mark danced their superb cha cha cha. Melissa and Tony shook it in their favored samba. And sexy Gilles slid and seduced Cheryl across the ballroom with their pulse-stopping Argentine tango. All three couples were rewarded with perfect 30s to finish off their Dancing with the Stars careers. But who would waltz off with the trophy? Would it be peppy, cute-as-a-button Shawn with her show-stopping freestyle? Pity vote Melissa (you were thinking it too)? Or consistent Gilles stealing it away with the hot and bothered female vote?

Well, up to season 8, an Olympic gold medalist had never made it to the final without winning, and they still haven’t. For an upset win, it was little Shawn who took home the shiniest trophy on television. And that’s it for season 8, folks! What semi-obscure celeb will they pull out of the C-list in a desperate attempt for relevance next season? I’m pulling for Blossom and/or Joey Lawrence or the cast of Boy Meets World. Who’s with me?

Season 8, Round 10: Episodes 20 and 21 (originally aired May 18 and 19, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

The magic word for this week’s episode of The Office is: Inappropriate.

After selling out last week, Michael, Pam and Ryan were back at Dunder Mifflin and things were getting a bit uncomfortable. For starters, it was Casual Friday, and no one but Toby knows how to dress appropriately.

Andy wore plaid shorts. Pam and Phyllis wore the same exact hideous purple outfit. Kelly wore denim, skintight overalls with gold chains, à la J. Lo. And, taking the cake for the most ridiculous casual ensemble, was Meredith, who wore a tiny purple dress that would only be acceptable on a leggy Gossip Girl cast member. Toby, as the HR rep – not because he has a passion for it, but because he married his ex-wife instead of joining the seminary like he planned – had to deal with the outfit. He asked her to pull down the dress, and Meredith flashed us all some boob. (Hey, it wasn’t the first time.) Then she pulled it up, and dammit, Meredith, where are your panties? Inappropriate.

Then there was the standard workplace drama, wherein Michael gave a bunch of the Dunder Mifflin salesmen (and woman)’s clients to new salespeople Pam and Ryan. Needless to say, Dwight, Stanley, Andy, and Phyllis were miffed. Dwight decided to hold a secret meeting. To let the sales staff know about the meeting he gave them all a memo with invisible ink they’d have to heat to see. Where’d he get invisible ink? It was urine. Urine! – which he put in Ryan’s coffee cup. Inappropriate.

But since the sales staff is not crazy, not a one of them figured out that they were supposed to heat their memos. Which is weird because I always check my office memos for hidden urine messages. So Dwight called Andy to gather them in the warehouse. Jim, however, was uncomfortable with this meeting against his fiancée – who Phyllis doesn’t like even though she’s pretty and looks like a trout with her mouth open like that – and Jim went up to tell Michael that there might be but definitely is a mutinous meeting going on downstairs.

As punishment, Michael approached the staff when they returned pretending to have been at lunch. In a shockingly smart move, Michael said if they’d gone out to lunch, he, Ryan and Pam could eat the lunches they packed. So Michael, Ryan, and Pam snacked on Stanley’s egg salad, Andy’s salmon salad, and Dwight’s pony meat sandwich. Yes, I said pony. Meanwhile the salesman became more and more disgruntled toward Michael’s favoritism toward Pam and Ryan that Phyllis finally snapped and made Michael feel guilty. Weren’t they all supposed to be a family?

Michael realized he was in the wrong, and responded the only way Michael knows how: with a secret meeting of his own. Inappropriate. After meeting in the warehouse – even though Darryl warned him he wasn’t allowed to make forts down there – Michael promised the salesmen their clients back, but that meant he’d have to let either Pam or Ryan go. To decide Michael discussed the matter with Jim – who can’t be impartial because he’s very close to Ryan and who’s spent his day playing chess with Creed who thinks he’s gay and wants to set him up with his daughter. Inappropriate.

Anyway, Michael and Jim chatted. Michael quite astutely noted that Pam doesn’t always follow through – like with art school and Roy – and not so astutely that her voice is weird. Then Jim slightly admitted that sometimes Pam can be shrill when she’s tired and Michael went off on a “no sex for you” tirade. Jim left, because it was inappropriate.

But Michael had to make a decision. Who would he choose? He invited Pam into his office and told her he’d be hiring Ryan. Pam got teary but took it well, until Michael started laughing. He was only joking, he gave her the job, and Ryan got his old temp job. Pam didn’t think Michael should fake fire people anymore, but Michael thought she should send in the new secretary, Erin. Then he fake fired her because no one in the office likes her, which wasn’t true, he thinks. Inappropriate.

Season 5, Episode 24: Casual Friday (originally aired April 30, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

Everybody loves a good impromptu dance party in the middle of the day on the first floor of an industrial building, right? Of course they do. And this week on The Office we got to see one such dance party in all its bumping, grinding, break-dancing gloriousness right in the Scranton office park.

But for every dance party to be a success, you need a great mix. So here’s the top ten Office beats that made this episode the stuff of legends:

10)   “All By Myself” performed by Michael Scott

It’s tough being the boss man. When you’re the boss, people don’t want to have lunch with you – not even people who you used to have lunch with every day at your failed start-up paper company. So you have to eat lunch alone. They also don’t want to come down and hang out in the utility shower room/old Michael Scott Paper Co. headquarters that you’ve turned into a disco café because they all forgot how to have fun during the tyrannical reign of Charles. It’s like they’ve all become office drones, who do work at work, when it used to be like a Dave & Buster’s. Now it’s like Dave died.

9)    “Just a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” cover by Dwight K. Schrute

Erin found a print-out of a map to the county court. Dwight deduced from their silence that everyone was hiding something from him. There are only two reasons to go to court in Ohio if you’re not going to jail: to receive an inheritance or to get a driver’s license at 14 ½ instead of 15. Then he asks to see youthful Erin’s birth certificate. Sure! She went into her purse to get it, because all normal people carry around copies of their birth certificate and produce it whenever their weirdo co-worker asks for it. Who is this girl? (P.S. I hope she’s a new regular.)

8)    “All The Small Things” by the Scranton Branch

All the details in this episode were working perfectly. Creed emerged from the bathroom eating something. Ew. But also a perfect Creed thing to do. Michael’s brown paper lunch bag had his name written on it. Angela didn’t need to bend at all to walk directly under the limbo bar. Oh, and respect the lei.

7)     “Baby Got Back” by Phyllis Lapin-Vance, with special appearance by Dwight

Phyllis was the first to join Michael’s dance party, but quickly threw out her back. Michael couldn’t have a woman writhing around on his floor in the middle of his disco, so Dwight took her up to the conference room and closed the door. He then proceeded to treat her like an injured horse. He cut open her blouse (it wasn’t doing her any favors), massaged her back, and rubbed oil on it to trap the heat and keep the fur water resistant. Good thing Dwight didn’t try to make her into jerky.

6)     “Girls, Girls, Girls” by the Kellys

Kelly Kapoor and Kelly the receptionist that goes by Erin after Charles found it too confusing to have two girls with the same name, get the party started down in the disco café after Michael has given up on it. One of the warehouse guys sees them dancing. He goes back to his friend on the truck and tells him “there are girls in there.” Voila, instant dance party. Erin even invites a friend – again continuing her totally normal behavior. She also snubs Oscar. (Okay, that’s normal.)

5) “You Ain’t Nothing But a Houndog” by Kevin Malone

Angela sent Kevin down to Michael’s disco café (before the girls started the party) to get an answer from him on something. Kevin got sucked in by Michael and tried to make himself an espresso. Angela came to retrieve him, and in the tug of war over Kevin they both treated Kevin like a dog. Michael even offered him a cookie. But Angela eventually took puppy Kevin away when she proved there was no cookie in Michael’s hand.

Then once the party kicked off, Kevin behaved like a different kind of dog altogether. His new lady friend, Lynn, joined him and they were seen in multiple instances slow dancing to the quick music in the background. Later Kevin and Lynn not so subtly make-out. A little gross, but a lot sweet. Good for you, Kevin! You sly dog you!

4) “Whistle While You Work” by Angela Martin

It takes a lot to get Angela in on the fun. She doesn’t approve of the spirit of music. But Michael insists she stay. Then Michael catches her cleaning up and stops her. But how can Michael expect her to have fun if he won’t let her clean?! Oh Angela, dance with Dwight already. She doesn’t, but she does tap her foot in the end.

3) “Bust a Move” a fugue by Kelly Kapoor and Andrew Bernard

How do I explain the dance off that ensued between Andy and Kelly? Let’s just say, Andy incorporated a chair, some jumping jacks, and some sweet old school moves. Kelly got on the chair and did a “Flashdance” inspired routine. It was so good, in the way only truly lame dance routines can be. (See Napoleon Dynamite, Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion, and Mamma Mia!)

2) “Going to the Chapel” a duet by Jim and Pam

In a week full of TV teaser weddings, Jim and Pam also announced that they were getting married. Jim woke up, looked at Pam, and decided he had to marry her that day (that map was theirs). And when he asked her, Pam had just woken up. She did not look cute. That’s how she knew he meant it. But they wouldn’t go through with it because …

1)      “So Happy Together” by The Office

Michael’s grand party scheme worked. Everyone came down and danced, laughed, and had a great time. Jim and Pam also felt they needed to stop in before heading to get married. Watching everyone have a goofy, corny time, they realized they like corny. They want to have a real wedding. And we want to watch it.

Bonus Track: “A Different Kind of Pain” encore by Kelly and Andy

Where: Dunder Mifflin bathroom. Who: Kelly and Andy. What: Piercing Andy’s ear. How: With difficulty. Why: Because how else could that day end?

Season 5, Episode 25: Cafe Disco (originally aired May 7, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and IMDbPro

Thursday night was filled to the brim with memorable season finales. There was Grey’s with Izzie and George in that damn “Denny died” elevator. There was the easily downloadable, kidney-loving, star-packed musical number to finish off 30 Rock. But the ending that will get me through the long TV-drought this summer had neither a big celebrity number nor a particularly surprising twist. It was simple, sweet, and exactly why after 5 seasons and 100 episodes I still love The Office.

But before we get to the grand finale, there was a picnic to be had. For its 100^th episode, The Office gathered up its Dunder Mifflinites from all its branches for a company picnic. Everyone had awesome t-shirts, which are surely available for you to purchase on nbc.com. Meredith was wearing hers tied up to reveal her midriff. Gross (sorry Kate Flannery). Jim and Pam were not planning to stay long. Last year there was a spider in Jim’s mitt, and a drunk guy hit on Pam and tried to grab onto something inappropriate for balance. Pam did not think “those” were for balancing, Jim’s face wasn’t so sure. Dwight brought his longtime friend, Rolf, whom we’re only meeting for the first time, but whom Dwight met when they were buying shoes. Rolf was looking for something which would increase his speed without leaving any tracks. So the criteria to be Dwight’s friend is to have homicidal tendencies — about what I’d expect really. But the big moment at the picnic was the return of fan and Michael favorite, Holly Flax (Amy Ryan).

Holly and Michael were thrown together, both of them deciding they’d put on a musical number for the Dunder Mifflin crowd. Why David Wallace approved of this is still not clear. However, Michael’s real aim was not to put on a show but tell Holly how he feels, that they’re soup snakes – scratch that, soul mates. Only problem was that Holly was there with AJ, her boyfriend and general nice guy, with whom she’s designing a house (that was quick). So Michael and Holly spent some time planning their act, giggling in the grass, making not even close to funny jokes, and proving to everyone watching that these two really were meant to be. All throughout, Michael kept trying to work up the courage to tell Holly how he felt in several Office-patented long pauses à la Jim and Pam circa 2006. But courage or no courage, the show must go on.

Michael and Holly took to the stage for a hilariously horrible rendition of “Slumdunder Mifflinaire” – oh yes, just imagine Michael doing Dev Patel. Needless to say it was hardly funny and probably racist, but hey, Stanley was enjoying it. That is, he was until Michael and Holly accidentally revealed that the Buffalo branch would be closing. The Buffalo branch did not know this. Awkward. David Wallace had to explain the issue to the staff and their families. A little kid asked him if his daddy would have a job for Christmas, but you know the kid was just worried about his own presents.

Meanwhile, on the volleyball court, the Scranton Branch was kicking butt. Turned out Pam played volleyball in junior high, in high school, maybe in college, and maybe even went to volleyball camp every summer. She may have also raised the roof. Jim and even Dwight are impressed. On the sidelines, however, Dwight’s friend was berating Angela for being a whore with awesome math equations, and Charles was continuing to taunt Jim about being a lazy employee taking a rest from his rest. Anyone else want to punch Charles? I was really hoping someone would, but instead I had to settle for Dwight confronting his buddy and telling him to leave Angela alone, followed by a glorious Angela-rekindling-the-Dwight-love look. I think it just may be time for a Dee and Monkey reunion! Alas, I must wait for next season for that.

Back on the court things were getting tight. In their match against corporate the score was tied up – until Kevin starting talking to the cameras and got hit in the head with a volleyball. Then they were down. Then they were back up. Dwight and Jim hugged (wee!). Then Pam fell when going for the ball, possibly twisting her ankle. Always the opportunist, Charles suggested that Pam seek medical attention. Pam said she was fine, but Charles insisted. He just wanted their best player out of the game (a jerk and a coward!). Jim protested, unwilling to let horrible Charles and his fruity drink win, but Jim finally gave in, swept Pam off her feet (aw!), and rushed her off to a nearby hospital to quickly get looked at. On the court, Dwight would stall. And stall he would.

Off in a different corner, Michael was continuing to stall on telling Holly of his affection. In the end, she left with AJ and Michael let it go. He smiled with awkward, unrequited love in his eyes, and told her they’d have a lot of material for next year’s sketch. Then in one of Michael’s best talking heads, he revealed The Office‘s grand master plan. He said maybe Holly was with someone this year, and maybe he’d be with someone next year, but they were meant to be. They’d find each other eventually and be happy forever. (Sound like any other couple on the show?) Well, we have our new will-they-or-won’t-they couple to tensely watch with bated breath, because our other will-they-or-won’t-they couple, definitely, definitely will.

At the hospital, Pam was getting wheeled around for a quick x-ray. She worried about being able to get back to the game on time while Jim and Dwight conversed via cell phone on stalling strategies.  Finally Jim thought they’d be able to get back to the game. The doc was just calling him in for an update. Jim went into the exam room (with mercifully large glass windows) and the doc told them something.

We never hear a word of the announcement – though we all know what it was. It wasn’t a shocking twist, just a sweet, authentic, and deliciously sentimental moment between two characters we’ve watched fall in love over the past five years. I love the genius of The Office‘s decision to never let us hear the announcement – and I won’t say it here either. It was a moment that we just got to peek in on. From the shocked bewilderment, to the hug, to the sweet kiss on the cheek, to Jim’s inability to suppress his smile or stop tearing up when he calls Dwight to tell him to send in the subs, it was pure joy. What a perfect way to start the summer.

(Final plea: Would someone give John Krasinski an Emmy already? He was just flawless. Wow.)

Season 5, Episode 26: Company Picnic (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

What’s a boy gotta do to get some love on Dancing with the Stars? Apparently shaking your bum and stripping down to a black sequined leotard won’t do it for you – as country star Chuck Wicks learned this week – and just when I was starting to like him.

This week on Dancing with the Stars was all about the group dances – which were gosh darn fantastic. (I’m actually serious – they rocked!) But first were the individual dances.

Up first to kick off the night – literally – were Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke in a high-flying, goofy Lindy Hop. Like the other celebs, Gilles was battling an injury – a separated shoulder – but the doc gave him a cortisone shot (is that safe?), and he was back on the floor. As for the dancin’, Gilles’ mile-high coif was enough to do it for me, but the silly, high-energy hop showed a different side of the usually-sultry couple. It was a blast and the judges loved it. Total: 27

After being reprimanded for toning down her raunchy side last week, Lil’ Kim was back to her old antics with a dangerously wicked paso doble. As Bruno said, “the bitch was back and she means business!” Lil’ Kim was scowling, growling, and kicking her way through the paso, and it was fierce. Grrrr! Total: 28

After breaking out of his shell last week, Chuck Wicks (that’s right, I no longer dub him Ken) was back in fine form – in blue silk this time – for a bum-shaking, flirtatious cha cha. Chuck really let loose and was throwing cutesy faces at Julianne throughout. It was adorable, and the audience was up on their feet in excitement. Even Len had to admit he liked it – though Chuck needs to work on his arms. Total: 26

Shawn Johnson was back smiling and showing a bit more fluidity this week after getting a lesson from Mark’s super-elegant, Latin-dancing mum. And while I hate to do it – I have to agree a bit with Len on this one. While everything was spot on technically and Shawn did loosen up from time to time, she still seems like she’s holding back. You’re a teenager Shawn, go wild, shake those hips, I know you can do it. But she didn’t Monday night. Total: 27

Yet another celeb succumbed to injury this week after Melissa Rycroft suffered a hairline fracture of her rib (yowch!) and was unable to perform. But, as they did earlier this season with Steve-O, they did have a rehearsal tape to show for her jive with a very disappointed Tony. From the rehearsal tape you could tell they were just “marking” – or not going full-out on their steps – and thus the dance was nearly impossible for the judges to evaluate. You could tell they had their steps and their routine on, but it was all done halfway. Too bad we didn’t get to see them go full out. But Tony pleaded the audience to help them through. Total: 21

Ty Murray‘s been all over the place during this competition and usually Latin dances spell trouble for the stiff cowboy, but this week he shocked everyone. Getting a little assistance from pro Dmitry and a spray tan, Ty Murray learned to get his Latin on! He was shaking his knees a bit more than his hips, but at least he was shaking, and it was such a shock to the system to see him go all out like he did, whipping and dipping Chelsie all over the place, that I believe I clapped right from my living room couch. Oh yes I did. Total: 24

After Ty shook up the ballroom, it was time for the team dances which were remarkably good this year. The celebs may be super C-list this year, but their dance moves are definitely worth an A+.

First up was Team Mambo with last week’s scoreboard winners: Shawn & Mark, Chuck & Julianne, and Tony & Lacey (filling in for Melissa). Dancing to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” the teammates replicated dance moves from the infamous video – very well, I might add – and added in their own bits of flair. And then to really get the crowd going, the boys jumped up on the judges’ table, stripped off their outfits and revealed sparkly black leotards and white tights. It was HI-larious.

As for the individual members, the judges applauded Lacey for picking up the routine at such short notice – but we should all already know by now that Lacey rocks. (Serious girl crush over here!) Chuck really stepped up as well, letting loose, shaking it, and nailing his steps, right in toe with the pros. If anyone was falling behind, it was Shawn whose solo with Mark was sharp, but who was out of step on the synchronized moves with Lacey and Julianne.

Those little missteps didn’t go beyond the judges’ notice either. Bruno thought it rocked, though he was obviously distracted by the men’s attire; Len thought it was fun; and Carrie Ann thought they got a bit overwhelmed by the music (which I actually don’t agree with). Though I think they should have gotten extra points for Mark’s attempted tough guy nodding while wearing a leotard. Team Score: 25

Thinking there was no way Team Tango could compete with that raucous good time, I was happy to be proved wrong by Gilles & Cheryl, Ty & Chelsie, and Kim & Derek. Dancing to Britney’s “Womanizer”, the routine started off right with shirtless Ty and Gilles being womanized by a sultry, swaying, smoldering Lil’ Kim. Kim had it going on Monday night! While she made a little flub in her solo routine, she more than made it up in charisma. Ty also nailed his solo section with Chelsie, leading her with strength and confidence around the floor. And then there was Gilles. Have I said “Grrr!” already this week? It was smooth, it was sultry, it was hot.

But hotter than their individual moments were their moments as a team. Every kick, every dip, and every turn was so crisp and in synch it was amazing. Their last few steps together were just perfect. The judges could hardly critique it – except for Gilles’ footwork (really Len?). Team Score: 28

After such a strong Monday night I wasn’t at all sure what would happen Tuesday. Would Melissa’s low scores get her the boot? Would Ty’s good old boy charm be able to overcome his lackluster dancing skills? Is anyone else getting bored of Shawn Johnson? Well, these were my guesses, and I was proved oh so wrong – blind sighted completely.

Tuesday started with bang with an encore performance from Team Tango. Then there were a series of not very funny celebrity “infomercials” and two lackluster performances by Robin Thicke – who until this moment I had always confused with Alan Thicke. But it turns out Alan only does Robin Sparkles’ music videos.

However, for those So You Think You Can Dance fans, Anya and Pasha from Season 3 showed up to dance to Thicke’s “Sidestep”. But they ultimately didn’t get much time to dance since Thicke and his back-up dancers were trying to steal the attention with a few of their own sad moves.

The real highlight of Tuesday’s show was the new pro competition, where Genya Mazo, Afton DelGrosso, Anna Demidova, and Mayo Alanen all survived to this week’s round. Genya and Afton danced a cute little quickstep, but it was nothing too special. However, Anna and Mayo stole the show with their lively jive – a difficult feat for such towering dancers – but it looked effortless and they both have great personality. Expect to see both of them and probably Genya back next week to teach some past season celebs how to dance.

And we’re onto the results. It was a slow reveal, but the last two couples in jeopardy were Melissa & Tony and Chuck & Julianne. So who was going home?

Poor Chuck – he got the boot. But at least he gets to keep his partner.

Season 8, Round 7: Episodes 14 and 15 (originally aired April 27 and 28, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Well, the Michael Scott Paper Company is no more, but boy was it a fun break-up. This week on The Office, Michael, Pam and Ryan realized their little company would be broke in a month, and the higher-ups in the Scranton Office had no idea and bought out Michael Scott Paper. How could this have happened? Let’s find out …

It started with an early morning paper route in the MSPC “Hallelujah Church of Scranton in Korean” van. It was very early. Since he got clean, morning air made Ryan sick. Pam was disgusted after drinking Michael’s coffee with milk and sugar, minus the coffee. Exhausted, Pam and Ryan wanted to hire a delivery man. So off they went to their accountant who told them their prices were too low. They couldn’t afford a delivery man, they couldn’t even make a profit. Ouch. It was the worst day since Steve Martin died. It was looking like the end of the line for MSPC, except …

Michael and Co. had managed to steal a bunch of Dunder Mifflin’s clients. So much so, in fact, that David Wallace had come down to see what could be done. DW said hi to Jim – because they’re buddies – and then new VP Charles came over to kiss-up big time. Jim – and I – loved this.

Then David went into a meeting with Charles and asked Jim to join them. Now we know Charles doesn’t like Jim, so he asked to bring in Dwight instead. Dwight was his guy. David Wallace found this very surprising as would anyone with more than two brain cells, but allowed both gentlemen in.

Discussing their options it quickly became clear to everyone in the conference room that Dwight is an idiot. Jim suggested they try offering discounts to their clients to try and win them back. Dwight suggested killer bees in Michael’s office. Charles was obviously flabbergasted and embarrassed. He looked like a fool, Jim looked great, and I am not embarrassed to say that I wooed. I may have even woo-hooed. Down with Charles!

Then the Dunder heads realized they only had one option, they’d have to buy out Michael Scott Paper. Jim, who already knew MSPC was going under (including his soul mate Pam), was obviously pulling for this option. He played it cool, real cool, and said he’d see if MSPC would be interested in a buy out.

Jim went down and asked – not allowing Michael to blurt out that they were broke or play guessing games – and then the MSPC crew followed him up to accept the offer. They just had to keep Michael from revealing the true nature of their failing company. So they went into the meeting with David Wallace who tried to low-ball them with a pithy offer. Michael countered with unprecedented intelligence, pointing out that David Wallace had a stock holder meeting coming up, and it wasn’t going to look good for him to have their most profitable branch bleeding clients. The stockholders might even consider switching management. Even Pam was ridiculously impressed. David was too and said he’d buy the company for $60,000. Michael was unable to speak, so Ryan said they’d need to talk about it.

There was nothing to talk about; they were going to take that offer. Except that Dwight just found out that Michael was asking for more money from his clients. He put two and two together and realized that MSPC was going under and ran off to tell Charles. Jim, quick on the uptake, realized what happened and followed Dwight into the kitchen with Charles. After embarrassing him all day, Charles did not buy Dwight’s investigation – the only other mystery he’d solved was the case of the beet bandit (Mose, in socks, in the conservatory) – a card Jim played like a violin. Dwight was right, but Jim knew Charles wouldn’t listen to him after he played the idiot all day. Jim was pulling all the strings this episode in order to get his fiancée back in his office, and it was awesome.

Back in the conference room, however, Michael refused the 60K. He didn’t want it. He wanted his job back, as well as Pam’s and Ryan’s. But they already had a secretary. Well, said Michael, Pam’s a salesman. David said fine. (Score Pam!) And he wanted Ryan. That one didn’t go over as well. Ryan had committed a crime with company money, so no surprise there. But Michael wouldn’t care if Ryan killed his whole family, he’s like a son to him. Finally, David Wallace agreed.

They left the conference room, Michael calmly closed all the blinds, and then the three of the screamed in happiness. Jim smirked happily from his desk.

Man, I love The Office (read: Jim – call me).

Season 5, Episode 23: Broke (originally aired April 23, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

Seven stars remained on Dancing with the Stars this week, and to spice up the competition the stars were asked to design their own and their partner’s costumes, leading to a wardrobe malfunction that would send one star packing.

First up was my favorite yawn, Melissa Rycroft and partner Tony with an Argentine Tango. Melissa hit all the right steps and danced through a broken rib – but the dance felt flat to me, no passion. The judges, however, disagreed, and she danced off with the highest score of the night. As far as wardrobe went, Melissa played it safe with a red and black sequined number – very Argentine indeed. Total: 29

Lawrence Taylor was up next with his unrecognizable partner Edyta, bundled up for a Russian winter in a high collared coat. Dancing a waltz, the heavy coat was eventually removed to reveal a fluid dress with a sleeve that got completely in the way – covering Edyta’s face and getting caught up on Lawrence. It was a disaster. As Len put it, there was some elegance, but a lot of problems. Total: 21

Lil’ Kim was up in a flowing, impressively tame pink dress with Derek (in a bow tie to match) for a non-raunchy rumba. Lil’ Kim was aiming to impress Len by toning down the sexuality, but the dance lost all its pizzazz. Kim looked uncomfortable and the dance lacked spark. Bruno begged her to bring back the raunchy next week. Total: 26

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks) were up next for a mambo wearing all red silk. Really, Chuck? But the red must’ve brought out the devil in Chuck who was shaking his hips and having a grand old time with their samba. It was one of the first times I really enjoyed one of Chuck’s dances. And the judges agreed. Carrie Ann even stood up to high-five the country crooner. Total: 27

Struggling rodeo champ Ty Murray was up next with Chelsie for a waltz that Ty dedicated to his wife, Jewel. It was sweet – and Ty’s certainly much better in the standard ballroom dances than the Latin numbers – but it still wasn’t very impressive. His dress designing skills, however, certainly were. I’d buy Chelsie’s dress tomorrow. Total: 24

After an exhausting week running around the country receiving awards for being generally awesome, Shawn Johnson and Mark pulled off a plucky, fun, and sharp cha cha cha. Shawn was bouncing and smiling and having a great time – and for the first time she outshone Mark. It was by far the best dance of the night, and Shawn received her first ten of the season. (I liked her disco-themed costume and Mark’s tux as well.) Total: 28

Last but certainly never least was Gilles Marini and partner Cheryl. And after pondering last week, I finally found one thing that Gilles is not good at. No, not dancing. His waltz with Cheryl was graceful and lovely. But the dress for Cheryl was horrible. It looked like a cheap costume for a little girl dressing up as Belle for Halloween. Tsk. Tsk. But to make it up to us, during his rehearsal montage, Gilles stripped down to a very tiny little bathing suit and splashed around in the pool for a while. So, thanks for that. Total: 27

After all of that couple dancing it was time for the group number. This year they were taking us back to the sixties. But first we were shown the rehearsals with Lawrence Taylor having a miserable time, thinking the dance was ridiculous. (Uh-oh, LT. A bad dance and you’re complaining? Not a good sign.)

The dance number, however, was fun – but not nearly as good as last year’s hip-hop number which seemed more technically challenging. However the costumes were groovy and no one stood out as bad (like Susan Lucci last year). Standouts included Ty’s signature move, which was to ride Chelsie like a bull – bizarre, but also guaranteeing him a spot hanging around next week. Also particularly awesome was Chuck’s blonde wig. And yes, Tom, Chuck did look like Fred from Scooby-Doo.

Then it was on to Tuesday’s marathon results show in which there was crooning, dancing, more competing, and finally an expected elimination.

First up was an encore performance of the 60′s group number. It was still just OK. The bull-riding thing was still awkward. Then some docs weighed in on the physical strain of dancing – in case all the injuries hadn’t made that clear to us yet – and it made me want to enroll in some serious dance classes to burn off calories like the stars.

Natasha Bedingfield showed up for a pretty rendition of her song “Soulmate” while pros Dmitry and Lacey danced gorgeously. And I must say, nobody moves like Lacey – I was sad I never got to see the leopard print number Steve-O designed for her.

But moving on, some pros from the Broadway show “Burn the Floor” turned up for a number that just seemed like a snore after Dmitry and Lacey. Then it was on to the new pro competition, where America got to vote for a pro to join the cast next season.

The new pros were Afton DelGrosso (lil’ sis to season 1 and 2 pro, Ashley DelGrosso), Brent Borbon (cute but a lackluster dancer), Anna Demidova (a tall, blonde, and impressive Russian), Mayo Alenen (a very tall, blonde all-American boy), Snow Urbin (ick – enough said), and Genya Mazo (pro Alec Mazo’s cocky little brother).

I won’t say much here, because I think they’re overdoing it with all this competing, and honestly I won’t be happy to see any of these guys replace any of the current pros. But if I had to choose I’d go with sweet Mayo who performed a lovely waltz with Anna. However, I’m pretty sure the votes will go to Genya, who besides being impishly devilish, got smacked in the face by Snow (I repeat, ick) and continued to dance on, bloody mouth and all.

Finally before revealing the week’s eliminated couple, Celtic Woman performed quite beautifully (those are some angelic voices) while a pro couple I didn’t recognize performed a lift heavy dance that was insanely impressive.

So who was less than impressive? I think we all know. The couples in the bottom two were Ty & Chelsie and Lawrence & Edyta. Was Ty’s bucking cowboy not enough? No, it was, and Lawrence was sent back to the green to spend the rest of his retirement swinging his clubs rather than his partner.

Season 8, Round 6: Episodes 12 and 13 (originally aired April 20 and 21, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

This week, master and apprentice were pitted against each other for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper supply. It wasn’t quite Highlander, but still.

It turns out after failing to follow Michael to his new paper company, Dwight did not abandon Michael. He’s been committing corporate sabotage by handing over company information to Michael in the parking lot. Dwight wasn’t very happy with new boss Charles and his full-length sleeve dress code. It wasn’t a dress code; it was a death sentence and straight jacket. When Michael was in charge it was like the Roman Empire, the Wild West, and war-torn Poland. In that atmosphere of chaos Dwight soared. So he continued to help his personal hero Michael, until a cool, new, Will Smith-like guy made everything different.

Charles who thought Dwight was weird – he’d prefer not to sit, less blood clots – Charles still admired Dwight’s work ethic. He wanted to give him more responsibility and take him out for a drink – something Michael certainly never did. Dwight actually got a little teary. And then he betrayed Michael.

Dwight met with Michael in the parking lot and hidden behind him was Charles. Dwight told him about the client poaching. Charles wanted Michael to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Did Michael understand? But Michael understood nothing. So to get back at Dwight, Michael went after his biggest client, Mr. Schofield. He worked his rolodex with his commented cards like a pro. Pam spent a month putting that info in his blackberry, but now Michael just uses it as a nightlight. Yet Michael got the meeting with the big client, and Dwight asked Michael to meet in the parking lot to ask for a truce.

After exposing his green briefs to prove he wasn’t wired – lovely – Dwight tried to prove his good will by offering to take the MSPC folks out to lunch. But while Michael, Pam and Ryan were waiting at Alfredo’s, Dwight snuck into their office, put a fish in their ceiling, and stole everything from Michael’s desk, including his rolodex. Michael unleashed the wolf.

Using Michael’s rolodex comments – including Dwight’s own, which comments read “Tall. Beets.” – Dwight started picking through Michael’s client list. But Michael Scott did not go down easily. He went to Mr. Schofield and called Dwight from the meeting so he could listen to him steal his biggest client. Dwight drove in a rage down to Mr. Schofield’s office and barged in on the meeting. Then he read off of Michael’s cards and asked Mr. Schofield about his gay son, the homosexual sophomore. That did not go over well. Turned out, Michael color coded his notes – most of the colors meant don’t say it. So Michael won the client and the battle, but maybe not the war.

In other Office awesomeness, Jim was busy concentrating his pranking skills on Andy. It seemed Andy put a lot of deposits down for his wedding to Angela, but she was sleeping with Dwight for years – the timeline’s messy – so Jim and Pam were looking for bargains in the haunted graveyard of their love. However, when Pam decided she didn’t want Andy’s a cappella group to sing “You Can Call Me Al” as she walked down the aisle or a crucifix cake, Andy started to believe that Pam was being bossy. Andy talked to Jim about it and his concern that he was heading down the same road and that maybe Pam was not good for him. Jim broke down with hilarious tears, because it was so scary how right the things Andy was saying were, especially since he was coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course Jim trusted his opinion. Andy, clearly oblivious to the fact that Jim was playing him, decided that he would help his buddy Jim out. But Jim didn’t know if he could break it off with Pam. You see, he’s very emotionally needy. But Andy was there for him.

Andy was there when Jim messed up a sales call and thought he sucked. Because when Jim looks in the mirror he doesn’t like what he sees, but Andy didn’t think he should worry because his body’s a ten. (Agreed!) Andy was also there when Jim was upset and crying in the hallway. And Andy was there to confront the office on whatever upset Jim so much. But Phyllis – always observant – pointed out that Jim was messing with Andy as Jim smiled goofily from the kitchen. Andy went in there and Jim pointed out that there were two things Andy didn’t understand. 1) He and Pam are very happy together, and 2) what happened with Angela was a bummer but he’ll find someone else again, Jim promised. (Cue collective aww!)

And as a final note, I want to see that blooper tape from when Pam, Ryan and Michael caught all those cheese puffs in their mouths. How they did that, I will never understand.

Season 5, Episode 22: Heavy Competition (originally aired April 16, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

Kevin Macdonald’s excellent State of Play thrives not just on thrills, sharp dialogue, and a pitch perfect cast, but on its brilliantly use of background. The country’s capital lays behind each shot, not just as a backdrop but as an important player in the intricate plot and of each political thrill. From its shadowy shots of the monuments to its dimmed U Street corners to its messy newspaper offices, Kevin Macdonald’s camera captures D.C.’s underbelly and its shiny exterior equally well as he weaves his twisting plot around D.C.’s principal players: politicians, journalists, cops, and money.

Filling in the politician role is Ben Affleck in the first role I’ve liked him in since 2002’s Sum of All Fears. Playing Congressman Stephen Collins, a young political star investigating a corrupt and powerful defense company, Affleck fills the shoes of the earnest, ambitious congressman with surprising ease. He looks like a politician (a role – rumor has it – he’s looking for in real life). But Affleck’s Collin’s is no bright-eyed, bushy tailed do-gooder. He’s been caught up investigating a company that doesn’t want investigating and seeing a young aide he shouldn’t be seeing. And when the married Congressman’s red-haired research aide and mistress (Maria Thayer) gets pushed in front of a subway car all hell breaks loose.

Trying to clean up the congressman’s mess, is Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe), his former college roommate and a seasoned reporter from the Washington Post – I mean Washington Globe – who thinks this may have been a corporate killing and who once slept with Collins’ wife. Ah, Washington. Crowe, in his typical fashion, dissolves into his character as the imperfect truth-seeker, torn between helping his friend and getting the story.

Filling in the other journalist role, Rachel McAdams returns to the screen as the young, “doe-eyed cub reporter” Della Frye, who helps Cal unravel the clues to the mistress’s murder. And what a welcome return it was. McAdams’ feisty naïveté and Crowe’s rumpled know-how blend for a perfect onscreen crime solving team.

And aiding them along was the brilliant Helen Mirren as their ball-busting editor, who stole many a scene with her acerbic wit. Top that with a memorably hilarious turn by Jason Bateman as a junkie and bisexual PR wonk, a tough and likeable performance by Harry Lennix as the detective on the case, and a subtle, tormented performance by Robin Wright Penn as Congressman Collins’ wife and you’ve got a supporting cast most movies only dream of.

But a cast is nothing without a script, and Matthew Michael Carnahan’s does well. Adapted from an acclaimed British mini-series and touched up by The Bourne Identity’s Tony Gilroy, the script had a lot working for it. It rushed a lot of plot into two hours, but never left you feeling lost. State of Play feels hectic, it feels sneaky, it feels greedy and earnest and desperate and idealistic. British though it may have originally been, it feels very D.C.

Gripping, twisting, but comprehensible, State of Play blended the gritty with the ideal, shedding light on everything from terrorism to corporate corruption to compromising wives and uncompromising journalists. It was about pursuing the truth without ever getting stuck up in easy clichés. It’s Washington, everyone’s got secrets. State of Play’s a pretty good one.

It’s D.C. done right.

See Cameron’s review here!

This week on Dancing with the Stars a new leader emerged as the contestants jumped and jived and rocked and rumbaed across the dance floor, and few flubs spelled doom for one fan favorite.

First to kick his way across the floor was cowboy Ty Murray whose line-dancing styled jive left a lot to be desired. It was stiff at the start, he obviously forgot his steps, and then it got a little better, but he never recovered his footing. The judges were not pleased. Total: 18

Shawn Johnson was up next for a romantic rumba, which she claimed to have trouble with because she’s shy and only 17. I don’t know about you, but I know a few 17-year-old girls, and I don’t think any of them would be shy about rumbaing with Mark Ballas. But whatever. Shawn got over her fear when Mark threw her a makeshift prom and then they danced a rather sultry routine where Shawn definitely channeled all her sexy. The judges were right that she needs to use her hips a bit more, but the dance was lovely. Total: 26

Lawrence Taylor got ready to tackle the jive by throwing down with his buddy, last season’s runner-up, Warren Sapp, and the kick in the behind must have worked, because LT got his groove back. The dance wasn’t perfect – and a bit slow for a jive – but Lawrence was hitting the beats and having fun. It was definitely a new and improved Lawrence Taylor. Total: 22

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani danced a sexy, complicated rumba that basically bored me into playing mahjong on my computer instead. It was technically a very good dance, but what a yawn. Something was just lacking – but the judges liked it anyway. Total: 27 

After the bachelorette snoozefest, it was time for Lil’ Kim and Derek to bring back the excitement with their jailhouse jive. Dancing to Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock”, former jailbird Lil’ Kim put on her sexiest cop ensemble while Derek rocked some stripes as they made the King proud by shaking their hips and kicking up their feet. It was rockin’ and caused Carrie Ann to jump up and down with joy. Len thought it was too theatrical – but he’s old and obviously losing his eyesight. Total: 28 (thanks to Len’s scandalously low “8″)

Steve-O had to follow up a killer act again this week and try to act sexy with his sister-like partner Lacey. So Lacey brought his dog – the real love of Steve’s life – which seemed to get him in the mood. And I have to say, it was definitely his best dance and like Carrie Ann I was strangely mesmerized by him. But truth is, the boy can’t dance. As Bruno said, thank goodness for “racy Lacey” who deserved the attention in her teeny-tiny bedroom-befitting outfit. Did Edyta design it? Total: 16

Gilles Marini struggled with his jive in practice but seemed to get into the quick-paced kicks after an afternoon of soccer. What is this guy not good at? But then he hit the floor with Cheryl and it was a little off. Don’t get me wrong, it was still really frickin’ good, and very quick, but as Carrie pointed out something was up with his awkwardly tucked-in arms. For the first time all season, Gilles looked a little out of his element. Total: 26

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks) finished up the night with a raunchy, raunchy rumba. From the lingering kisses to the wandering hands, the dance definitely turned up the heat. Carrie Ann and Bruno were thrilled with the spicy routine, but Len thought it was too raunchy and that it was too much like peeking in on the bedroom. Silly Len, don’t you know sex sells? Total: 23

Then it was on to Tuesday’s results show which was a night full of ups and downs. On the up side, Lil’ Kim and Derek started the night off right with an encore performance of their jive. Then the Rascal Flatts performed while Tony Dovolani tossed Julianne all over the place. Seriously, some of the lifts were just death defying and one of the most impressive things I’ve seen in quite a while. Check it out here.

Plus there was an interesting segment where an expert analyzed all of the stars’ body language. And it was so right on that, as Tom said, they might as well have been naked. And finally, we found out that next week the stars are designing the costumes not the pros. So watch out for a clothed Edyta, a barely dressed Cheryl, and Mark in a unitard.

On the downside of the evening, however, the Cast of “West Side Story” performed “America” with lots of screeching. The Broadway number just didn’t seem to work on the Ballroom stage. And then there was a horrendous cabaret number performed by Carmen Electra (yeah …) and the Pussycat Dolls. I’m not sure, is stripping considered a legitimate type of dancing again?

Then the final down-note of the night was the elimination. There was no dance off tonight, so Tom and Samantha skipped straight to the announcement, and it was Steve-O who’d be hanging up his dancing shoes. I was sad to see him go, but more disappointed that I’ll never get to see the cheetah print costume he was designing for Lacey. That thing was gonna be good.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to settle for superior dancing.

Season 8, Round 5: Episodes 10 and 11 (originally aired April 13 and 14, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

This week on DWTS, the stars performed some saucy, strong paso dobles and sweet Viennese Waltzes. And at the end, one of the dancers had his last dance. Let’s dive in …

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks) were up first with a romantic Viennese Waltz, but once again it seemed like Julianne was doing all the work. Len and Bruno thought that Chuck was “emerging from the shadows”, but Carrie Ann remained unimpressed and the judges fought. Loves it. Total: 23

Football star Lawrence Taylor had to channel his strength and aggression with the Paso Doble. And while he sure threw Edyta around a lot, it felt timid to me, like he was still unsure of his steps. However, the judges were apparently closing their eyes and thought it was good. Go figure. But then their scores reflected their true feelings. Total: 20

Shawn Johnson was up next with a simple and saccharine Waltz. In her gorgeous white dress, Shawn floated around the floor with partner Mark, and it was angelic. The judges had some constructive criticism for the pint-sized tumbler on her footwork and posture, but mostly they loved it. And I believe I uttered a little “aw” when it was over, so you know it was good. Total: 26

After impressing me last week, Melissa Rycroft tripped up – literally – this week in her Paso. The dance lacked the aggressive quality necessary in the dance, and Melissa got caught up in her dress, which seemed to throw off the end of the piece. It was still good – but not great. Total: 25

David Alan Grier and Kym were up next with a light, but awkward Waltz. There was an especially weird attitude turn going on that distracted from the rest of the dance, and the choreography was just odd and much too stilted. The judges were in agreement that it was a good performance for a difficult dance, but no one was all that enthused. Total: 22

Hottie Gilles Marini was back this week, and just in case his extreme hotness and dance skills were making you question his sexuality, his adorable French son showed up to do  martial arts with his “Papa”. After that he probably didn’t have to dance and would still have gone on with the female audience’s votes alone, but he did dance and oh what a dance it was. Let’s start with the shirtlessness. Yowza. Then the lack of shaving. Woo. And then there was that smoldering look, the flawless moves, the strength, the heat. I need a cold shower. Total: 29

Poor Steve-O had to follow Gilles with a Waltz, which you know with Steve-O was going to be awkward. But Lacey – ever the smart choreographer – camouflaged Steve-O’s awkwardness by making him a mime for a Parisian-styled routine. It was silly and theatrical, but I thought it worked. The judges agreed that it was an improvement for Steve, but still nowhere near the other stars. Total: 18

Bull-rider Ty Murray was up next, ready to lasso in a paso. But first he put Chelsie on a bull, and Chelsie told him that he needed to think of the dance as if she was a bull. Ty responded that if all bulls were like Chelsie there’d be a lot more bull-riders in this world. Ha ha. And it didn’t even come off sleazy. So you know he’ll be going through to the next round on that comment alone. His dance certainly won’t save him – it was much too timid and robotic for a paso. Total: 21

Then Lil’ Kim and Derek finished off the night right with a beautiful Waltz that was spurred on by Kim’s big smile. She looked like she was having so much fun that the dance was infectious. Watch out for Lil’ Kim – she’s an up and comer. Total: 26

Tuesday night’s result show meant the return of the dance off. (Woo?) But first Lil’ Kim and Derek performed an encore of their Waltz. Then Etta James showed up to perform “At Last,” and she probably shouldn’t have been complaining so much recently about Beyoncé performing her hit all over the place, because the bootilicious star sure sounds a lot better on the tune than the aging James. The cast of the Vegas show “Le Rêve” also performed, and Disney sweetheart Demi Lovato sang her song “La La Land” (not well) while Lacey’s brother Benji hit the floor for a lively jive.

So who was in the bottom two to dance? It was David & Kym and Lawrence & Edyta. So they danced off. They were both still awkward, but David was better. However, David’s not a popular football star. So off he went. And Lawrence gets to dance another day.

Season 8, Round 4: Episodes 8 and 9 (originally aired April 6 and 7, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

This week on Dancing with the Stars, two couples would be getting the boot, but first the stars had to dance to one of the show’s most exciting dances: the high-energy Lindy Hop and the highly-seductive Argentine Tango.

David Alan Grier and his partner Kym were the first to perform the challenging Lindy Hop, but it didn’t really have much hop to it – in fact they were often off tempo and even the plentiful tricks seemed awkward. The judges praised David’s commitment but couldn’t help but note that he lost the beat. Total: 22

Lil’ Kim and Derek were up next with the first Argentine Tango of the night and kicked it off right. The dance was steamy – with some hot choreography (that wasn’t to fuddy-duddy Len’s taste, but what is?) – which brought the audience to its feet. At least Bruno and Carrie Ann loved it and Bruno handed them the first 10 of the season. Total: 27

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks and Julianne) were up next with a Lindy Hop where Chuck and Julianne looked ready to serve up some burgers. The dance was crisp and fun, but the judges weren’t blown away. Total: 22

Lawrence Taylor and Edyta tackled a tough Argentine Tango next. And even though Lawrence worried he might no longer be married after the seductive dance, his tango completely lacked heat. Plus, it looked like LT was just walking around for most of it. Total: 19 (with a gruesome 5 from Len)

Ty Murray took the bull by the horns with his heavily-tricked out Lindy Hop with Chelsie Hightower. Even though he nearly killed her in rehearsals, their heart-pounding Hop had the audience applauding and shocked the judges. Len even called him a “great wonder” for his improvement since the first week. Total: 25

Cloris Leachman, I mean Steve Wozniak was up next with an Argentine Tango and if I thought that Lawrence Taylor’s dance was all walking this was ridiculous. Boy was it not good – not good at all. Even Carrie Ann couldn’t find anything nice to say about it, and Bruno memorably said that it stunk like ghettos of Buenos Aires. But Steve responded that he was “still standing”. Hardly. Total: 12

Finally in week 3, Melissa Rycroft impressed me. Her Lindy Hop was full of flips and skips and dips – basically, it rocked. It was so fast and so sharp and so difficult that I had to give in and clap. The judges loved it too – and Carrie Ann, who’s shared my skepticism of trained dancer Melissa – jumped down to high five her and partner Tony. Kudos. Total: 29

The awkward, chemistry-less Tangos continued when Holly Madison and Dmitry hit the floor. But she fell off her stool in the beginning of the number, and it was all downhill from there. The steps were off and very wobbly, and it looked like Dmitry was just dragging Holly around. (And they didn’t have the Bunny do the Lindy Hop? How disappointing!) Total: 16

Jackass Steve-O channeled his inner clown for this week’s Lindy Hop with partner Lacey, and at least it was better than last week. But poor Steve-O still can’t dance. And the judges weren’t too kind. Total: 15

Now if you want to really see an Argentine Tango, YouTube Gilles Marini and Cheryl’s performance this week. It was sexy, sexy, sexy, and I’m pretty sure Gilles was trying to seduce the entire audience with his smoldering stare. Plus, he nailed every little step and kick. It was so perfect that Carrie Ann said she couldn’t tell who was the professional dancer and who was the celebrity, and caused her to congratulate Gilles’ wife with a little “woo-hoo-hoo”. I know the feeling. The judges were all seduced by Gilles and awarded him with the first perfect score of the season. Total: 30!

Shawn Johnson and Mark closed the show with a gymnastic-filled Lindy Hop that had the audience cheering but wasn’t as well-received by the judges. They were hoping for a little less tumbling and a little more dancing – but Shawn has nothing to fear. Mark’s short shorts will be enough to get the audience’s votes. Total: 25

Then it was on to Tuesday’s results show. Gilles and Cheryl kicked it off with their smokin’ Tango. Kevin Rudolph performed his hit “Let it Rock” while Julianne, Chelsie and Lacey danced in some edgy, black outfits that was truly impressive. A boring Viennese Waltz routine was also performed, and then Boyz II Men performed some Motown hits.

Finally they got around to revealing who was going home. In the bottom three were Holly & Dmitry, Steve-O & Lacey, and Steve & Karina. So who was hopping home?

It was curtains for Holly and Steve Wozniak. So long, Beauty and the Geek.

Season 8, Round 3: Episodes 6 and 7 (originally aired March 30 and 31, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

The Office, like our economy, was in a bit of a decline, sinking into despair, but then some bold decisions were made, management was switched up and now we have a new idea we can believe in. There’s even an inspirational new montage video. Yeah, there’s a new Office in town, and this season’s looking up.

In a two episode laugh fest that brought back some favorite – or heavily despised – characters and shook up Dunder Mifflin’s direction, Michael and Pam assembled a “Dream Team” and officially started “The Michael Scott Paper Company”.

But first, back in Scranton, unrest was rising. Kevin, as predicted was rubbish on the phones. Stanley wasn’t more efficient, and Jim resorted to sucking up to VP Charles since he still hated him.

Dwight, however, was thrilled that someone was not charmed by Jim’s adorableness. When everyone in the office became a soccer fan like Charles over night, Dwight challenged Jim’s ability to play soccer by suggesting they have a game after work. But Jim couldn’t play soccer, ducked when Charles hit a ball at him, and Phyllis got hit in the nose. Jim got blamed and Charles still hates him. Also, I’m starting to hate Charles – which I’m pretty sure is the point of his character.

While the seeds of hatred for Charles were brewing at Dunder Mifflin, Pam dropped by Michael’s to start their paper company. Michael was in his bathrobe and made a lot of French Toast because he was afraid and freaked out. Pam calmed him down, assured him he could do this, and made a list of things for them to do so that they could check things off – which was actually a pretty shrewd thing to do.

After opening the mail – Michael can’t run a business from his condo – they were off to find their dream team which turned out to be Vikram from Michael’s old telemarketer job and Ryan with bleached blond hair and a tendency to steal bowling shoes.

Then the dream team met with a potential investor: Michael’s grandmother. She didn’t want in (ouch!) and Vikram wanted out (eh). On the car ride back it was time for Pam to freak out – what was she doing being so impulsive? And then it was Michael’s turn to calm her down. They balanced each other shockingly well and could just be a real dream team.

So Michael’s had his people, but he still needed an Office. However, Michael couldn’t afford much, and the team ended up back in the Dunder Mifflin office park in a closet. And there were some conflicts among his stellar staff.

Pam refused to be the receptionist again and refused to make copies – even though she likes making copies. Ryan continued to be despicable, describing someone on the phone as “a six in New York, but a seven in Scranton”. And Michael hosted a failed pancake breakfast as they continued to be unable to gain clients. Pam even got so desperate that she hopped upstairs and asked Charles for her job back. But Charles had already hired a pretty new secretary named Kelly who was causing some trouble of her own.

First off, she has the same name as Kelly Kapoor who decided to hang out outside Charles’ office and pop in every time he called for the receptionist. Each time she came in she said “you wanted me?” in the hope that if she says it enough he will want her. Not her worst idea.

But the real mischief receptionist Kelly caused was between budding buddies Dwight and Andy. You see they hated each other so much that their hatred had to become affection. So they’re going hunting, jamming together, and fighting over the same woman: Kelly. I was thinking, here we go again. We were about to have another Dwandy Duel, but instead we got a Dynamic Dwandy Duo. While competing on their banjo and guitar for Kelly’s affection, Dwight and Andy ended up getting caught up with each other, ignoring the lady entirely. I must say I’m enjoying the bromance.

But two bros still not on romantic terms were Jim and Charles. Charles asked Jim for a rundown of all his clients. Jim spent his whole day trying to figure out what the heck that meant, and when he finally put one together, Charles didn’t even look at it. Raise your hand if you think Jim’s heading toward Michael Scott Paper Co. (Yes he can!)

Speaking of Michael Scott Paper Co., after an episode of fighting in which even Michael was fed up with Pam and Ryan’s bickering, the fledgling company scored themselves a client. And MSPC was off the ground and running.

Next week: Dwight gets naked. Prepare yourself.

Season 5, Episodes 20 and 21: Dream Team and The Michael Scott Paper Company (originally aired April 9, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

So last week Michael Scott quit Dunder Mifflin, essentially divorcing his work family. I was shocked. Were you shocked? But now what would Michael do? In this week’s episode, Two Weeks, we found out. Michael would start his own paper company. Who else thinks this season just got a lot more exciting?

Michael quitting was just the shake-up the office needed. What’s going to happen now? Will there be a new office? No more Dunder Mifflin? Would our favorite Mifflinites follow Michael to his new company? How on Earth would he get them to do that? So many questions – this week answered some of them.

The episode starts with Michael failing to tell his quitting story. Pam bemoans that when Michael finally has an interesting story to tell he can’t tell it, and Oscar notes that quitting stories give him hope. Is quitting Dunder Mifflin in Oscar’s future? Anyone else’s?

Jim also quickly discovers that Michael not trying is even worse than Michael trying. After giving his two weeks’ notice, Michael spends his time bothering his employees and drinking on the job (Scotch and Splenda – gross!). Then Michael realizes no head hunters are looking for him, the economy is in decline, and he starts to freak out. So he searches on monsters.com – Jim lets him know it’s “monster” singular – and Michael decides that he’s going to start his own paper company.

So his first task is to scotch tape “Michael Scott Paper Company” over the Dunder Mifflin order forms (I got chills), and he tries to recruit the Scrantonites to his new company. They all pretty flatly turn him down – except for Kevin, Angela, Meredith and Creed, who weren’t asked. Ouch, you know it’s bad when even Michael doesn’t want you. He even accosts Stanley in the restroom. Couldn’t he see he was urinating? However, new Dunder Mifflin VP Charles discovers that Michael is trying to start his own company and kicks Michael out prematurely. But Michael sneaks back in, crawling covertly on the floor to try to get more people to follow him and to steal a copy of his client lists. I laughed a lot. But Charles caught him.

But before he hit the road from Dunder Mifflin for good, Michael asked the office if they were really being all they could be. Something struck a chord in Pam – who spent the entire episode hooking up a copy machine – and she decided to leave with him. Whoa!

So Michael and Pam are gone – off to start their own company. And Pam’s a salesperson not a receptionist. Even Jim’s impressed. And the office is already missing Michael. Andy thinks it’s a sad, dark day. Phyllis says he can stop sucking up to Michael now. But they all seem to feel Michael’s absence when Charles starts cracking the whip. First he assigns “Mr. Crossword” Stanley to be the “productivity czar”. Then he asks “Speaks So Slow Holly Thought He Was Slow” Kevin to answer the phones in Pam’s absence. That is not going to go well.

But it was Toby who best summed up how much we’ll miss Michael with his greatest line in five seasons: “Michael’s like a movie on a plane. You know, it’s not great, but it’s something to watch. And then when it’s over, you’re like, how much time is left on this flight. You know, now what?”

So Scranton, now what?

Season 5, Episode 19: Two Weeks (originally aired March 26, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

It seems that on every season of Dancing with the Stars, there’s that one dancer who can’t dance at all – and that everyone loves because of it. Last year it was Cloris Leachman who I was forced to suffer through watching week after horrible week – and again this week when she acted inappropriately with former partner Corky Ballas (why, God, why?). This season, I feel that Steve Wozniak has a bad case of the Cloris Leachmans.

Steve didn’t start off the night, but I’m starting with him anyway. His samba was not at all a samba and contained a very pathetic worm. He is an endearing fella though and was suffering through a hurt hamstring, and more than Cloris Leachman ever did, he made me laugh. However, his judge’s score of 10 – that’s total – was the lowest score handed out in 6 seasons and well deserved. I agree with Carrie Ann, the novelty of geeky man dancing is wearing off.

Bond girl Denise Richards was actually the first one to start off the night with another horribly awkward, off-tempo samba. She looked afraid and I was afraid too. It was not good. However, the video montage clips of partner Maks in a pink samba dress were awesome. Total: 16

Barbie and Ken (Julianne and Chuck Wicks as they will henceforth be called) were up next with a light and lovely little foxtrot. They are just so darn cute, and Chuck finally stepped up and did a little dancing, which was nice. It was sweet and Carrie Ann thought that Chuck might be a contender. Total: 23

Holly Madison – in a barely there red thing – let it all hang out with a shimmy-tastic samba with partner Dmitry. However, her feet were just all wrong, and she was never really on the beat. As Len so wonderfully put it, Holly was like a match: hot on top and wooden on the bottom. But the best moment was when Holly stated that she thinks Dmitry wishes he had Jewel back, and he didn’t deny it. Ouch! Hey if an old senile guy like Hef could put up with her, Dmitry should be able to too. Total: 17

Steve-O was back this week, and I alarmingly am finding the former Jackass rather endearing on this show. Sober, he’s a lot less revolting. Anyway, he was still advised to keep off his injured back after not being able to perform last week, but he persevered. However, he messed up on several steps in his routine with Lacey and let it show all over his face. He knew he messed up, and it looked like he hurt himself again when he landed poorly on the stairs. But the judges applauded him anyway for carrying on and continuing to get better despite his mishaps. Total: 15

Lawrence Taylor and partner Edyta stepped it up again this week with a spicy samba where football star Lawrence got into the groove. He was all smiles and having fun, and I was having fun watching him shake it. Plus, he gave up golf for this. Total: 20

Cutie pies Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas were up next with a feathery, floating waltz. Shawn certainly made it look easy as she slid across the floor, and like a pro, never missed a step. The judges loved it and Bruno bizarrely said she looked like a “graceful, bejeweled hummingbird”. The dude really needs some new catchphrases. Total: 27

Following up Shawn’s imposing score was competition leader, Gilles Marini, who brought his French mother to rehearsal to watch him. Then he spoke French and talked about loving his mom. Even the men had to be a little turned on. And if they weren’t already, then they just had to watch his samba with Cheryl. It was hot, hot, frickin’ hot. Carrie Ann noted that he shook things she didn’t think men could shake, and Bruno said he was like a “throbbing, red-hot poker.” I really don’t see any way to understand that phrase that isn’t incredibly dirty. Total: 27

David Alan Grier was up next with a kicking foxtrot. And I mean kicking – David was like a Rockette out there. Who knew the guy could lift his leg that high? The dance had a lively Broadway feel and fit David’s performance style perfectly. Total: 24

After Steve Wozniak performed – I won’t go into that again – bachelorette Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani were up for a pretty, perfect foxtrot. Bruno said she was “beautiful to look at and easy to love”, which sounds like the tagline for Melissa’s next reality show. And Carrie Ann hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that this was all obviously very easy for her (Dallas Cheerleader!), and suggested she challenge herself more. Total: 27

Lil’ Kim showed she could shake her bon bon in her samba with Derek (who’s not such a bad shaker himself). She lost step a couple of times but her “bionic booty” – as Len called it – definitely saved her. It had oodles of charisma and Lil’ Kim is just a hoot to watch. Best part of the night was when she started to escape her top a bit waiting for judge’s scores, and Derek quickly covered – and covered her up – by throwing his arms around her. I’m sure the sensors were really sweating over that one, though I doubt Lil’ Kim was. After Diana Ross feels you up on the MTV Movie awards, nothing shocks you anymore.  Total: 25

Last up for the evening was cowboy Ty Murray who continued to improve with his suave foxtrot this week. He even rescued his partner, Chelsie, when she slipped and he caught her. It’s not too common for the pros to slip up, but Ty caught her and continued on gracefully. It was definitely a job well done for the shy southern gentleman. Total: 23

So after a week of ups and downs it was on to Tuesday’s results show. First up, Tom and Samantha announced four stars that were safe. Top scorers Melissa, Gilles, and Shawn were all announced and then – brace yourselves – Steve Wozniak. His partner Karina squealed with happiness, and I believe I made a different kind of noise.

He definitely is the Cloris Leachman of this competition – and just to make that clear there was a clip of Cloris and Corky demonstrating next week’s dances: the Lindy hop and the Argentine Tango. At the end of the Tango, Corky and Cloris made out – I hope Corky’s son Mark doesn’t have nightmare for the rest of his life. I might.

However, there were some nice moments in the evening. In a fun and feisty dance number to Hall & Oats “Maneater”, Karina swished and seduced her way around a dance floor of male pros, before choosing her real-life fiancé, Maks, at the end. And British songbird, Adele performed her hit single “Chasing Pavements” while former DWTS pro Alec Mazo and Edyta danced along.

Then it was time for the dance off. The final four couples in jeopardy were: Steve-O & Lacey, Ty & Chelsie, Holly & Dmitry, and Denise & Maks. Steve-O and Ty were safe, and so it would be up a battle of the lightheaded, but not so light-footed, beauties: Holly and Denise. They both danced again and were equally awkward and off-beat. But the judges seemed to think Denise improved – I didn’t see it – and rewarded her with a higher score (20 to Holly’s 18). However, it would still come down to whether that was enough to overcome the low audience votes.

It wasn’t. No surprise. Denise is none too popular. So we say goodbye to Denise and Maks – but hopefully we’ll still be seeing us some Maks in the results show dances.

Season 8, Round 2 : Episodes 4 and 5 (originally aired March 23 and 24, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

The Office redeemed itself this week after a poor couple of showings with an episode that finally had me excited about The Office and where it’s going – and it’s not just because Jim was wearing a tux all episode. (Okay, it’s partially because of that.)

Let’s start with the tux, shall we? So Dwight sent out a memo on the office dress code. Jim retaliated by wearing a tux to work. Of course. Then he got Michael to agree to all of his ideas for Michael’s 15^th anniversary with the company party (more on that later) just by saying the word “classy” over and over – much to Dwight’s chagrin. Michael’s party will definitely be classy – like the opening of a car dealership.

So while Jim’s tux was a big hit with Michael, it did not go over as well with the new VP of East Coast operation for Dunder Mifflin (the new Jan/Ryan), Mr. Charles Minor (Idris Elba). Jim was furious that Michael didn’t tell him about the VP’s visit, but still tried to introduce himself to Charles despite the tux. It didn’t go over too well though since no-nonsense Charles didn’t seem to find Jim’s attempts to prank Dwight very funny. He also didn’t think Jim’s made up position as assistant to the Regional Manager was impressive either. Basically, this guy did not like Jim, and Jim could not deal with that. In a sad little talking head Jim expressed remorse over his career going down the tubes. Now this is the same Jim who in season one was adamant that this job would never become his career – and now he’s worrying about. Oh my gosh, was that just Jim character development?! I love it. Let’s hope we see even more Jim ambition in the coming weeks.

Another plot line rife with giggle potential is Kelly and Angela’s shared crush on new Mr. Boss Man. Kelly thinks he looks like a black George Clooney, and while Angela pretends not to be interested, she later steals his scarf and then tries to return it to him. A hilarious showdown between Kelly and Angela then commences in the rainy parking lot. Though this is not nearly as good as Angela and Dwight (when will those two crazy kids get back together?), I’ll take it for now.

However, the real star of the episode was Michael – who I was hating on last week. This week’s Michael was a child, was stubborn, was awkwardly cutting bagels into “C”s for his new boss’ arrival, and yet he still managed to be endearing. His rivalry with new boss Charles couldn’t have been better. First, Michael wanted him to be his new best friend – like Ryan had been (guffaw!). Then when he realized he’d be micromanaging him, determining his employee’s overtime, and cancelling the party planning committee, Michael had it. The two butted heads time and again, and Michael tried complaining to David Wallace. David, however, stopped answering his phone and had Michael’s calls forwarded to Charles. Well, that was it for Michael. He picked up and went to David Wallace’s office.

Tracking him down outside the bathroom, Michael finally got David to talk to him. Michael told him about his 15^th anniversary party being cancelled and told David that after 15 years of service with the company he deserved more. David couldn’t help but agree with a teary-eyed Michael. He told him they’d put money aside for the party for him, and then Michael stood up and quit.

Seriously, Michael just quit Dunder Mifflin!

It’s a whole new ballgame folks. And I’m so excited.

Season 5, Episode 18: New Boss (originally aired March 19, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

Sunshine Cleaning feels like a movie you’ve seen before – probably because you have. It’s a murky blend of two better movies: Little Miss Sunshine and In Her Shoes (and probably a dozen others). But what saves Sunshine Cleaning from falling victim to forgotten indie syndrome is its dazzling leading ladies: the always charming Amy Adams (Enchanted) and quickly up and coming star Emily Blunt (Devil Wears Prada). Their super-large expressive eyes are what keep the tired plot from seeming commonplace. You want for these women who find their own little pieces of salvation and confidence in the morbid business of crime scene clean-up.

Like Little Miss Sunshine, Sunshine Cleaning is chock full of quirky moments and lost souls. Its dark comedic moments are never really funny, they’re often too troubling for that, yet somehow they make you laugh. And its redemptive spirit is nothing exceptional as far as movie plots go, but it feels exceptional for these characters. Then there’s Alan Arkin, playing the same yelling grandpa role he played in LMS. It’s a particular kind of type casting he’s found himself stuck in.

But more than LMS, Sunshine Cleaning reminded me of In Her Shoes for its sisters and their burdensome relationship. They lost their mother young – and like another Rose and her little sister – never seem to get over the loss in their adult lives so they find solace in cleaning up the tragedies in other peoples. They screw up, fight, make up, and battle through their abandonment issues and tragically low self-esteem.

Amy Adams is a single mom, still sleeping with the high school boyfriend (the always underappreciated Steve Zahn) who dumped her for his wife long ago.  Her son’s been kicked out of school – again – for licking things, and she doesn’t have the money to send him to private school. So she forgoes the real estate license she’s pursuing for the crime scene clean up business. Plus she’s tired of being a maid, especially for the people she went to high school with who married well, while she peaked as captain of the high school cheerleading team. But her Sunshine Cleaning gives her the opportunity to help others and herself, and revive her self-worth.

However, it is relative newcomer Emily Blunt who steals the show. Her devil may care personality masks a truly unhappy little girl, the kind who’d keep the old photographs of a dead woman and track down her daughter.  Her wide, darkly lined eyes give way to an unnerving deep sadness while her sardonic sense of humor keeps her loveable and charming.  Ultimately, it’s Blunt’s brilliance that keeps Sunshine Cleaning from becoming too cloudy.

So Sunshine Cleaning may not be the indie sleeper hit I was hoping it would be, but it was decent enough fare for a rainy afternoon – a simple and sweet flick about the sunshine after the rain.

Click here for Jaimie’s review!

There are many faces of Michael Scott on The Office. There’s inappropriate but well-meaning Michael. There’s sad, lonely, desperately seeking anyone Michael. There’s clueless to the point of absurdity Michael. There’s barely older than a 12-year-old Michael. And then there’s this week’s Michael – everyone’s least favorite – selfish, stupid, mean Michael.

This week Michael watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and decided he was like Willy Wonka. So he decided to put golden tickets into his paper shipments. The lucky customer who found the tickets would get 10% off their paper sale. Shockingly, I thought this sounded like a pretty good gimmick, except in typical Michael fashion, he did not execute well.

Michael ended up putting five golden tickets in the same paper shipment to their largest client – and incidentally Jim’s biggest client. Jim got a phone call from the client and now lost 50% of the money off their largest sale. Jim – not wanting to be blamed for losing half his commission – called corporate to alert them, and David Wallace called Michael. And then Michael the Jerk reared his ugly head.

Incapable of taking the blame himself, Michael blames the idea on Dwight and then tries to persuade Dwight that he came up with the idea. At first Dwight protests, because he’s never seen the movie and knows it was Michael because he wrote it in his diary. (Dwight keeps a diary to keep secrets from his computer – hehe!). However, being ridiculously loyal to Michael – in this episode anyway – Dwight actually agrees to take the fall for Michael. Even Jim is appalled and tries to talk Dwight out of it.

Then David Wallace shows up and – shocker! – the client loved the discount idea and is now going to buy all of its paper exclusively from Dunder Mifflin. David congratulates Dwight and wants him to talk to their marketing people about some of his other ideas. Michael, however, is not eager to have his credit back – because he’s not at all despicable. So he barges in on the marketing meeting and announces it was him after all and that he just tried to get Dwight blamed when he thought David was going to fire someone. David is so disgusted he just gets up and leaves. And I don’t blame him.

I don’t like selfish, stupid, mean Michael. I don’t think he fits in with the other Michaels – especially not the needy, sensitive Michael who sees all of Dunder Mifflin as his family, and who remembers silly things like the names of Angela’s cats. I prefer that Michael – The Office writers please bring him back.

In other Office plotlines, Kevin was getting dating advice from smug couple, Jim and Pam, and bitter, lonely Andy on how to pursue Lynn. This was by far the superior plot point and brought out brilliant lines, like Kevin confessing “I’m an over-thinker.” Sure you are, Kevin. That’s why Holly thought you were “special” for a whole summer. Plus, it’s nice to see Jim and Pam dispensing advice in cliché couple fashion, and to see how Andy is still affected by his break-up, since Angela seems to have gotten over it all very quickly. However, the best part was when Kevin ignored everyone else’s advice and told Lynn how he really felt. And then blurted out “Boobs”, which could have ruined it, but Lynn didn’t seem to mind. I’ve got to say, I’m rooting for those two crazy kids. The Kevins of this world need some loving too – and hopefully the bumbling, but sweet guys get a little more attention than the mean Michaels next week.

Season 5, Episode 17: Golden Ticket (originally aired March 12, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

Another week, another set of dances, another injury, so it was on Dancing with the Stars. The casualty list continued to pile up this week on DWTS as Steve-O suffered a spinal hematoma and was unable to perform live. And this from the guy who has stapled parts of his body together for kicks? What do they do to these contestants? Anyway, the other twelve competitors did dance, so let’s see how they fared:

Up first this week were Holly Madison and Dmitry doing the odious quickstep. It wasn’t great – but the quickstep is HARD – though I have to agree with Carrie Ann, Holly did look like she was a doll being dragged around the floor. She needs to take charge more, but it was better than last week. Score this week: 18. Total (from last week): 36

Attempting a salsa next, was David Alan Grier – with partner Kym – who didn’t pull any faces this week, but who did manage to lose his rhythm. The timing was always a little bit off, and it was noticed by the judges. Though he was yucking it up less in the rehearsal tape this week, so that was nice to see. Score: 17. Total: 36

Denise Richards and Maks were up with the next quickstep. Again, it was so-so. The footwork didn’t seem to be quite there, but the judges thought she was much improved. I don’t see it – but maybe I’m blinded by my dislike for her. Score: 21. Total: 39

Next up, Belinda Carlisle and new pro Jonathan performed a vigorous salsa. Belinda was shimmying and shaking it out there, but the judges were not feeling it. Even Carrie Ann said it was lacking in grace. Ouch! I have to say, the judges are notoriously harder on the females in their judging, because compared with what the men get away with, this was Swan Lake. But never mind my opinion, her scores were miserable. At least she looked like she was having fun. Score: 18. Total: 35

Shy cowboy, Ty Murray and plucky partner Chelsie Hightower had a difficult, but masterly quickstep. Ty really took charge and his upper body strength proved a great asset for the rigid, but quick dance. It was like he was a different person from last week’s lost boy. It was actually pretty darn good – Carrie even yee-hawed. Score: 20. Total: 34

Little gymnast Shawn Johnson had to salsa this week and was very uncomfortable shaking her hips, because she’s never been allowed to dance like that before. Poor girl! She never learned to dirty dance? Boy has she been missing out. You parents out there, this is what happens when you don’t let your children attend high school like normal kids. Or maybe she was just smart and knew that if she pretended she couldn’t shake it, partner Mark Ballas would keep gyrating around “demonstrating”. Mark’s single, right? No? (Call me!) Anyway, whether she could move her hips or not was irrelevant. Her salsa was perfectly crisp and impressive, though it did lack that down and dirty Latin flavor – which Bruno was quick to point out. Bruno suggested that the 17-year-old minor needs to be more “naughty”. I’m pretty sure that was illegal. Score: 24. Total: 47.

Google geek Steve Wozniak was another who suffered an injury this week, with a fractured foot. But the dance went on, and he and partner Karina performed an awkward but exuberant quickstep. The judges were in agreement that the dancing wasn’t very good, but he is a good performer. Bruno even compared him to Wall-E – which has to be better than last week’s gay teletubby. Score: 17. Total: 30

Real-life lovers Julianne Hough and cutie-pie Chuck Wicks had a salsa next, but Chuck had a hard time doing the “feminine” hip moves. (Clearly he didn’t see my reaction to Mark Ballas’ moves.) While he claimed to have gotten it down in his rehearsal videos – by channeling Derek Hough – Chuck did very little on the dance floor. Julianne was doing all the work, while he just followed her around. The judges took notice and were disappointed, because they think he has potential. However, they didn’t seem to let that affect their scores and rewarded him for looking pretty standing next to Julianne. Score: 20. Total: 40

Up next was football star Lawrence Taylor who wanted to prove himself after clunking his way through last week. And prove himself, he did with a jaunty little quickstep with Edyta. It was so surprisingly good, that I believe I giggled at the end of it. What is it about seeing a big man dance that’s so charming? Anyway, Carrie Ann obviously agreed and sang “that’s the way I like it” and even Len gave it a “well done”. Score: 20. Total: 36

Then it was time for Steve-O to salsa with Lacey, but unfortunately he was preoccupied at the hospital with a giant welt on his spine after landing on his microphone pack. So instead they had to use the tape of their dance at rehearsal. The camera angles were bad, and both dancers were obviously half-assing it. In short, it wasn’t very good. Not good at all. And the judges and Lacey knew it. She was definitely seeing curtains, and then Carrie Ann had the nerve to try and blame Steve-O’s injury on Lacey trying to do too much. I wanted to hit Carrie Ann a little for cruelty. Score: 14. Total: 31

Lil’ Kim was up next with a quickstep, trying to prove that she could be elegant. Dancing to “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” with partner Derek, she was actually quite graceful and entertaining, though close your mouth girl! Are you catching flies? Carrie Ann and Bruno thought it was fantastic, but Len did not like the distance between the partners during the dance. Lil’ Kim blamed her “boobies”. Nice. Score: 23. Total: 44

Dumped Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft was up next, trying to explain away how her Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading doesn’t just disqualify her as a professional in her rehearsal tape. By the way, it totally should. Haven’t you seen Making the Team on CMT? Those girls have years and years of dance experience. But I guess no one cares after they’ve humiliated you on national television and are trying to make it up to you and exploit your grief. Way to go, ABC! Anyway, Melissa performed a spicy and very, very good – almost professional (gasp!) – salsa with partner Tony Dovolani, who must feel like he won the lottery. The judges were in awe – because they’re clueless to her dance experience? – and handed her the first 9s of the season. Score: 26. Total: 49

Gilles Marini and partner Cheryl Burke had a task ahead of them after leading last week, especially with the less exciting quickstep as their dance. So they came out on the dance floor and killed it. Dancing to a Superman hymn, Gilles – in Clark Kent glasses – finished off the dance by flinging off the specs and ripping open his shirt to reveal a superman-styled “G” as he slid across the floor. Yowsa! And ladies, just so you know, before he was a model and naked on Sex in the City, Mr. Marini was a French Fireman and military man who really did save lives. Feel free to swoon. The judges certainly did. Score: 27. Total: 51

Then it was time for Tom and Samantha to say goodnight and shamelessly plug ABC’s new show, Castle - which you should totally be watching because Nathan Fillon is awesome, and Stana’s not half bad either. And on a last note, what was up with the girl from The Real Housewives of New York City sitting behind Tom all night smiling like an idiot? Did no one else find this irritating?

On to Tuesday night’s result show then …

The night opened with a lively swing number performed by some of the pros (Lacey and Mark were best) and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Steve-O was back and walking around, though Lacey was hoping they wouldn’t have to dance since he’s still in bad shape. (Oh yeah, there’s a dance off for the lowest scoring twosomes – because the show wasn’t quite dramatic enough).

As usual, there were several performances as Tom and Samantha (in a gorgeous red dress with a pocket – I want it!) slowly revealed who was safe. First, there was a Macy’s Stars of Dance show choreographed by Mickey Rooney’s son. It was so-so. Then Jewel sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” while new pros Dmitry and Chelsie showed off their skills with a truly breathtaking and gorgeous dance – easily the evening’s highlight. Finally they announced the final couple safe: it was Steve-O and Lacey, who squealed with relief. Left in jeopardy were boring Belinda & Jonathan and Steve Wozniak & Karina.

Both couples performed their dances from Monday night again for the dancing showdown, or whatever. Both of them made mistakes again, and the judges didn’t think either one improved much. They rewarded them both with the same score of 17. So it would still come down to how the audience voted.

So did America vote for the former Go-Go girl or the Google geek? Well, America does love to Google, and it was the geek who took it. Belinda was sent on her way.

Season 8, Round 1, Part 2: Episodes 2 and 3 (originally aired March 16 and 17, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

In the first appropriately named episode all season, last Wednesday’s episode of Damages, “Uh oh, Out Come the Skeletons,” was full of dangerous revelations, dirty double-crosses, and troubling confessions.

Dirty Cops: After ignoring informant Ellen’s seemingly boring Federal agents all season, Damages surprised me this week by making Agent Werner and Agent Harrison interesting – and integral to the plot.

Trouble begins brewing between the agents when Harrison picks up Werner’s cell phone, thinking it’s his partner’s nagging soon-to-be ex-wife who has supposedly been calling him all season. Except when he picks up the line, it’s a dude. Harrison asks Werner about it, and after failing to lie his way out of it, Werner admits that he made a deal with some nameless man. He tells him what’s going on in the Patty Hewes investigation in exchange for some extra cash. Harrison is appalled, but Werner argues that there could be money in it for him too.

Harrison thinks it over and tells Werner he’d like to meet this guy paying him for Patty Hewes information. Werner’s thrilled and heads off on a date. A few minutes later, a faceless intruder shows up in Harrison’s apartment with a toolbox. By the time Werner gets back, Harrison’s dead on the couch with a needle in his arm. It looks like an overdose, but Werner knows better and confronts his nameless man.

It’s Dave – Kendrick’s buddy and the guy setting Patty’s husband up as Energy Secretary. Werner knows it was Dave who was responsible. Dave tells Werner that Harrison called their bureau chief to report him, but don’t worry, the chief’s in Dave’s pocket too. So he better get Patty Hewes.

Cut to 1 month later. Ellen’s in the infamous hotel room. But someone’s watching. It’s Agent Werner from a van, watching Ellen on surveillance. Ellen shoots twice. Werner flips out. Who’s playing who?

Meet Dave: Like the FBI agents, Dave continues to build in intrigue this week. At first he seemed like just a lackey, but now he may just be the mover and shaker for all the UNR action. In the restroom – Dave’s meeting place of choice it seems – Dave tells Kendrick about nominating Patty’s husband Phil for Energy Secretary. Kendrick thinks the conflict of interest is brilliant. Dave also tells Kendrick to settle the case with Patty Hewes; Kendrick’s less thrilled about that. He says no, it’s his company, and then Dave mystifyingly asks, “is it?” Wait … isn’t it?

Whatever power Dave has though, it must be great, because Kendrick listens. He tells tough lawyer, Claire, to settle the case for up to $50 million.

Claire gets a Clue: Settling the shareholder case makes little sense to Claire, who bafflingly still thinks Kendrick’s a saint. Celebrating her 20 years with the company, clueless Claire gets choked up talking about Kendrick’s “integrity.” Barf.

After a painful meeting with her father who made her feel guilty for her lack of grandchildren production, Claire stomped off to Patty Hewes, but she wasn’t settling. Claire thinks the whole case is about getting revenge on Daniel Purcell (incidentally a former lover of both ladies), not about UNR. Patty asks if Claire knows about Finn Garrity – the man whose hooker she represented in court. Claire is stumped, and finally starts to realize just how in the dark UNR keeps her. Looking for some clarity, she asks Kendrick about Finn Garrity, but he makes up a lie. Claire, getting wise, starts to investigate and meets with Purcell. Aerocyte is toxic, he tells her. They all lied to cover it up. Claire can’t believe this, but Purcell tells her Kendrick’s not the man she thinks he is. Duh! He helped Daniel cover up his wife’s murder too.

Claire confronts Kendrick on Aerocyte, and he gets angry and lies to her again. So Claire digs up the report and realizes it was doctored. She also looks up Finn Garrity and discovers he’s an energy trader. Finally, Claire puts the pieces together and realizes her precious Kendrick is bad, bad, bad, and she’s spent half her life working for a criminal. But what will make her feel better? A night with wife-murderer, Daniel Purcell, apparently.

Confess to Wes: After last week’s romp in the sack, Ellen was a little shy around Wes this week – not sure about what she still owes dead fiancé, David. So while that meant less sexy Wes action for us viewers, it also meant that Ellen got to keep her head, because you bet that secluded trip to Wes’ cabin was meant to be Ellen’s final destination, if you catch my drift.

Meanwhile Ellen’s mother’s in town, and she’s worried that Ellen has no one to talk to. To solve her loneliness, Ellen goes out binge-drinking with Katie. She gets drunk, hits on tall, dark, and sleazy guy, but luckily ends up in her own bed. As Katie’s tucking her in, Ellen starts to cry, saying she has no one to talk to and babbling about how she doesn’t really work for Patty. Shh, Ellen!

But Ellen can’t stay quiet. Off she goes to Wes – you know, the guy that’s been ordered to kill her. She unwittingly sleeps with the enemy again, and then confesses all. She tells Wes about how Patty tried to kill her and how she’s an informant for the FBI. She asks if he knows what it’s like to live a lie. Silly question, Ellen. On this show everyone’s got skeletons in their closets (or in Wes’ case, an arsenal of weapons), and on Damages they just keep tumbling out.

Season 2, Episode 10: Uh Oh, Out Come the Skeletons (March 11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Always Have An Ulterior Motive by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

It’s all drama, drama, drama on Season 8 of ABC’s money-maker Dancing with the Stars. The drama kicked off before the premiere even aired on Monday night, with two contestants bowing out early due to injuries. And even though this season has the least famous, most Z-list cast of “stars”, they’re all prime prime-time material. There’s a bad girl rapper who’s spent time behind bars, a “Jackass” fresh out of rehab, a notoriously divorced Bond girl, a Playboy bunny, a guy famous for being “That Naked Guy from Sex and the City“, a dumped Bachelor fiancée, a pair of engaged pros, and a real-life couple dancing together. Whew! It’s gonna be quite a season …

Lil’ Kim was first to hit the dance floor Monday night with her partner Derek Hough, but only after she dedicated her decent cha cha to her girls in the federal detention center. Awesome? The judges, however, enjoyed her performance. Bruno, in typical crazy and slightly offensive fashion, never got much further than complimenting Lil’ Kim’s not so lil’ derriere, while Carrie Ann thought she had a lot of potential and Len thought it was “first class” – which is probably the closest Lil’ Kim will ever come to being called classy. Total Score: 21

Belinda Carlisle, former lead singer of the Go-Gos, was second up with new pro Jonathan Roberts. Their waltz was fine, but boring – sort of like Belinda. Bruno was overtly harsh and thought that she looked like Cloris Leachman (heaven forbid!), but Carrie Ann thought she needed to follow her partner more and Len, still in nice guy mode, thought it was elegant. Total Score: 18

Lawrence Taylor, this season’s footballer followed up next with a barely-dressed Edyta. Lawrence was a little unsteady and his nerves showed during their cha cha, but his grin and football fans are sure to get him through at least a few rounds. Carrie Ann didn’t think he was as good as his football predecessors – but she did have a super-duper crush on Warren Sapp last season, so she’s biased. Len was still kind (was he on something?) and thought it was natural and fun to watch, and Bruno – still loud and obnoxious – thought Lawrence needs to attack it more. Score: 16

Steve-O from Jackass was up next, because when I think Dancing with the Stars I think Jackass. Yikes. But he was appropriately paired with probably the only pro that would ever put up with him, ballroom “rebel” (read: not stuffy) Lacey Schwimmer, who’s looking quite trim this season – go you! They danced a waltz where Steve-O hammed it up as he attempted to be a gentleman and show that he’s still got mojo when he’s sober. Len put it best when he assessed that the technique wasn’t there, but he expected much worse. Bruno thought it was slapstick, and Carrie Ann thought it was an intriguing mix of beautiful and weird, which just about sums it up. Score: 17

Gilles Marini, known only for being Samantha’s naked neighbor in the Sex and the City movie, was up next with a very lucky Cheryl Burke. And the man is just as good on a dance floor, as he is in the shower. He can certainly shake it, and his cha cha was smoking. As expected, Carrie Ann woo hoo-ed, and housewives across the nation tried to dial in and vote a week early. Score: 24 (Highest score of the night)

Chuck Wicks, cutie country music star, waltzed next with his real life beau, Julianne Hough. The dance wasn’t perfect, but the two looked like Barbie and Ken and are so darn adorable they’re bound to be favorites anyway. Bruno thought it looked like Chuck was trying to chase Julianne around the floor, Len thought it was hectic but he had good footwork, and lift-Nazi Carrie Ann chided them for letting Julianne’s foot leave the ground. When are you going to give up on that, Carrie? Score: 20

Holly Madison, Playboy bunny, “Girl Next Door“, and former girlfriend to Hugh Hefner, was up next, filling injured Jewel’s dancing shoes. After less than a week of training, Holly pulled off a slightly off-tempo cha cha with new pro Dmitry Chaplin. The best commentary on the dance came from Carrie Ann who compared her to Bambi due to being a little wobbly in the legs. Len thought she just needed more practice, and Bruno was too distracted by her “charms” to say anything intelligent. Score: 18

Ty Murray, rodeo champ and Jewel’s hubby, was up next with new pro and So You Think You Can Dance alum, Chelsie Hightower. It was incredibly, incredibly awkward since Ty seemed so nervous he forgot all his cha cha moves. But at least he knew it was poor and humbly accepted his criticism and low scores. Let’s hope the sweet cowboy is a bit better on his feet next week. Score: 14

Shawn Johnson, America’s favorite pint-sized tumbler, was up next with partner Mark Ballas for a pretty waltz. It was smooth, mature, and ultimately lovely. Carrie Ann was overexcited and “moved” by the performance. Really? It wasn’t that good. Len found her very appealing, and Bruno thought she showed a lot of refinement for someone so young (the show’s youngest ever star at 17). Score: 23

Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Google and the show’s least likely contestant, danced the next cha cha with poor Karina Smirnoff. As Len said, the cha cha was a “disaster,” but like a car crash, you just couldn’t look away. Bruno, however, was uber-harsh on the geek mascot and compared him to a Teletubby at a gay pride parade. But at least Steve was having fun. (And has his millions and millions to comfort him when he inevitably gets kicked off next week). Score: 13

David Alan Grier, has-been comedian, was up next with Kym who didn’t get any of his jokes – and neither did I. He tried too hard and pulled faces throughout his routine, but the dancing itself was decent. The judges agreed but found his multiple character personalities distracting. If he can learn to stop cracking awkward jokes and just dance, there may be hope for him. Score: 19

Denise Richards, being billed as an “actress” (now there’s a joke!), was up next with Karina’s fiancé Maksim Chmerkovskiy, and poor Karina must be stressing about that. Luckily, Denise is about as believable a dancer as she was a nuclear scientist in that Bond movie. Carrie Ann thought Denise looked scared, Len thought it was too loose, and Bruno thought she had good moments, but it fell apart. She was also the first contestant to cry during rehearsal. Score: 18

Melissa Rycroft, the girl who got dumped on last week’s The Bachelor reunion show, rebounded from her (coughscriptedcough) heartbreak by stepping in for injured Nancy O’Dell with partner Tony Dovolani. After less than 48 hours of practice, Melissa pulled off a very impressive waltz – which was way more impressive before she let it be known that she used to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. So in other words, she’s a professional dancer with years of dance training? Is this an ABC pity party for Melissa? Eh, at least she’s easier to watch than Steve Wozniak. Score: 23

Next week, the stars return for another dance and then the first round of voting. But first, it’s time for me to predict this season’s winner.

Shawn Johnson - because she’s young, giggly, her partner’s adorable, and America loves a gold medalist. Just think of all we’ve let Michael Phelps get away with – a sub-par quickstep won’t ruin America’s love of the little gymnast. Shawn Johnson for the dancing gold!

Season 8, Round 1: Episode 1 (originally aired March 9, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Valentine’s Day may have been weeks ago, but in Scranton cupid has just come to town. This week, The Office got its groove back as some lonely hearts dealt with disappointment and some happy hearts acted inappropriately in a restaurant bathroom. Oh yes, that happened.

After a delicious cold open in which Jim saves Pam from the guy trying to replace her with a better phone system, we were treated to some Scranton Valentine’s Day antics. First, Michael arrives with Kevin and is disgusted by all the heart decorations. Michael and Kevin commiserate, and Kevin says he misses his ex-fiancée, Stacy. Michael mentions he misses Holly, who was way hotter than Stacy and hilariously Kevin agrees that it must be much tougher for Michael. I guess Kevin had liked Holly too …

Then they arrive at the office, and Michael is offended by the modest flowers Jim bought Pam and by their general sexiness. Dwight agrees that their sexiness is hostile. (Ha!) Jim doesn’t seem to know what to do about this, since Pam clearly points out that Michael cannot be a part of their relationship. So Michael tells Jim to “suck it” and decides to have a Valentine’s Day party for the singles only. But before the party, Michael goes to give blood and meets a sweet, nervous woman while there. They make each other laugh, and then Michael passes out because he was so nervous about giving blood that he didn’t eat for three days (guffaw!). When he wakes up, cute, nervous woman was gone, but she did leave behind a glove.

Meanwhile Phyllis invites Jim and Pam out to lunch with her and Bob. They can take the whole afternoon since Michael’s afraid of Bob (hehe). At the restaurant the couples lovingly rag on each other and make fun of Jim’s dainty fingers. Then Phyllis and Bob disappear for the bathroom. After they’re missing for a while, PB&J start to think maybe they got ditched. They head for the restrooms and there’s no sign of P or B until they hear some noises coming from the handicap bathroom. Yup, that happened.

Horrified – can you blame them? – Jim and Pam dash back toward their seats and try not to look too disgusted when Phylbo come back and Phyllis proceeds to gulp down an entire glass of water. Priceless! Poor Jim and Pam. That had to be scarring.

Back at the lonely hearts party, the rest of the office proceeds to gather together to share sad stories in which we learn that Oscar was turned down by a gay guy who lied about being straight and that Angela’s had two separate sets of men duel over her. Michael decides that they’re all good people and that there must be other single people in their office park for them to mingle with – like perhaps one who’s lost a glove. Michael makes up fliers and decides to have a Lonely Hearts Mixer. The office also learns of his romantic intentions for the girl with the lost glove and led by Kelly, the Dunderites adorably root Michael on. As they wait for the nervous, gloveless woman to arrive, Michael does make one love match – despite several disastrous ones – by setting Kevin up with a woman, Lynn. They’re both ridiculously awkward, but sweet, and Kevin ends up getting her email. It was a good Valentine’s Day for Kevin. Aww!

But it didn’t have such a happy ending for Michael. The gloveless, blood donor never showed up. However, the Scrantonites rallied around Michael, and he ended up feeling up-lifted because at least he was out there looking again. There’s hope for lonely hearts and The Office after all.

Season 5, Episode 16: Blood Drive (originally aired March 5, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and IMDbPro

I don’t know what it is about Wednesday nights, but between Lost and Damages it’s become difficult to keep time straight. So, I’m forgoing the usual, twisting plot synopsis, and giving you the pieces to the Damages jigsaw puzzle that we’ve picked up this week:

Tom is Ticked: This week, Patty tells Tom that the Feds are after them, and they’ve already approached Ellen and the late Pete. Tom’s angry they didn’t tell him sooner, but goes to his sister – who works with the Justice Department – to find out what the FBI has on Patty. His sister returns and tells him there’s no file at all – which is news to informant Ellen and to the FBI guys she’s been working with.

FBI dudes head to their boss who tells them they had to pull the file to keep Patty from finding out about the investigation, but it all seems a little fishy. This all leads to Patty heading to the FBI boss’ office and telling him she knows all about their corrupt investigation of her and that “it’s war.” FBI boss seems to believe her and makes a mysterious phone call asking what to do about Patty.

But Tom seems to have his own plan for Patty. “Two months later” an angry Tom shows up at Hewes and Associates demanding to speak to Patty. The guard tells him he’s not welcome there, and Tom says “tell Patty I tried to warn her.” Then he starts yelling about a wrongful termination suit. Wonder what Tom did to get himself fired?

Whatever it was, it sure angered Tom, because he goes off, gets a gun, and hands it over to Ellen. Cue the hotel room with Ellen waving the gun around in front of Patty. Et tu, Tom?

Never marry a conservative: Patty’s troubles, however, don’t end with pushover Tom. This week the enemy’s inside the house.

It all starts with the mysteriously influential Dave and Walter Kendrick on the golf course again. (Is Walter Kendrick always golfing?) The Energy Secretary has had a heart attack, and they need to put someone in office who’s a friend of deregulation. (Good luck, buddies.) The ever-connected Dave goes to Patty’s husband Phil for advice on a candidate. He suggests Patty’s charity “partner,” Sam Arsenault.

Phil arranges a dinner party at their house for Dave and Arsenault to talk, but instead Dave and Patty get to talking. And they seem to take a liking to each other. Patty’s clearly not aware that she’s fraternizing with the enemy, and she lets Dave know that Sam Arsenault is out for Sam Arsenault only. Dave takes her advice and leans on a new person for energy secretary: Patty’s husband Phil. And it looks like he’ll be taking the job. So besides secretly investing in UNR stocks, – which we know will illegally surge if there’s a snow storm in Iowa (or something?) – Phil’s now going to be in Dave’s and UNR’s pockets. I doubt Patty’s going to be too thrilled about that.

Hooker with a heart of gold:  But neither the FBI nor a corrupt, conservative husband will get Patty down. In pursuit of UNR, Patty tracks down the hooker, Loni, who’s the key to finding out what energy trader, Finn Garrity, is up to (something to do with Idaho?). Patty shows up at Loni’s door, and essentially blackmails Loni into talking. Either Patty will help Loni pay for night school and get custody of her kid, or Patty will let slip to the family court judge that Loni might not be in the most legal of professions. Needless to say, Loni spills. She reveals that there’s an Escalade (product placement!) where Finn goes, sits for a bit, and then comes back. Oooo! But Tom stalks Finn anyway as he approaches the Cadillac SUV and records the coordinates left there for him by creepy Darrel Hammond. What does it all mean? Who knows? Let’s get on to the really juicy stuff…

Sexy Wes and Aggressive Ellen have sexy, aggressive sex: Wes and Ellen finally resolve all their sexual tension this week, but only after hitting a few speed bumps. First, Wes and Ellen’s group therapist doesn’t think it’s emotionally healthy for them to see each other. Ellen begrudgingly agrees. But that doesn’t stop her and Wes from doing some target practice – which seems pretty unwise for Wes to do, since he’s spying on her and knows about her taste for revenge. Anyway, Wes plays sweet and innocent, apologizes for having “inappropriately” asked Ellen out last episode, and asks to take out Katie Connor instead. Ellen says okay, because she’s totally “fine” with him dating Katie. I think we all know what “fine” means.

But before he takes out Katie, Detective Messer calls up Wes and asks him to deliver some guns to Jersey. Wes is fed up with these jobs, but Messer seems to think Wes has to do everything he says. Wonder what Messer’s got on Wes? However, those guns look awfully similar to the ones we know Wes has stored in his bureau two months from now. Guess Wes doesn’t follow directions all that well.

Even so, he does get the dirt from Katie Connor, who runs her mouth on their date and reveals that she and Ellen know it was a cop who killed David. She also puts two and two together and realizes that Wes really wants to be with Ellen, not her. (Is it part of his act or is sexy Wes really falling for Ellen?)

Katie obviously opens her mouth again and tells Ellen of the failed date, leading to a knock on Wes’ apartment door. It’s Ellen. She heard Katie called off their date. Wes shyly says yeah, and Ellen proceeds to push him against the wall and initiate the above-referenced sexy, aggressive, tension-resolving sex. But in between the gratuitous shirtless, make-out shots – a little something for everyone – there’s a moment where Wes looks at Ellen and we start to believe, uh oh, beauty tamed the sexy beast.

The next day, Wes – looking pleased with himself – meets up with Messer. He gives him his intel, and Messer decides Ellen knows too much. He tells Wes to take her out. Make it look like an accident.

Well, we know Ellen’s still alive two months later and terrorizing Patty, so what’s a Wes to do? Join forces? If Wes and Ellen’s future entanglements are any hotter than this week’s, let us hope so.

Season 2, Episode 9: You Got Your Prom Date Pregnant (originally aired March 4, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Whaaaaa? by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

There’s a saying that goes: if life’s just a joke, I don’t get it. Well, the Watchmen know all about that. Before the Comedian (a brilliant Jeffrey Dean Morgan) flies through his shattered window, smashing to the pavement stories below, splashing the sidewalk and his smiley face pin with hero’s blood, he delivers his last punch line: “it’s all just a joke.” One has to wonder if he was right.

But Watchmen is no laughing matter. Zack Snyder’s (300) film owes its success entirely to the graphic novel on which its based – and I say “based” loosely, because Snyder does not deviate from the cult classic American novel, at least not so far as I could catch. He splashes its pages across the screen with careful, loving detail, with creative angled scenes, stunning perspectives, and stylized, sharp violence. Don’t let its comic book roots fool you Watchmen is no kind of family, action movie. There’s cringe-inducing gore from criminals and innocents alike. There’s sex and swearing and nudity and rock and roll and enough moral ambiguity to make your heard hurt. Plus, it’s smart.

We’re hardly new to the comic book movie, to the dilemma of what the super powerful do with their great gifts, but thanks to its brilliant source material, Watchmen is no Spiderman or Dark Knight – though bound to be just as popular. Watchmen takes Spidey’s great responsibility and magnifies it. It explores what it would mean to be a god among ants – as the blue, indestructible, and existential Dr. Manhattan (an unrecognizable Billy Crudup) clearly is. And if you thought the Joker was dark, forget about it. Morgan’s savage Comedian is in on the joke that is mankind – its brutality, chaos, and redemption. He’s a villain in hero’s clothing, a superhuman killer for hire, a psychopath who rapes, pillages, and regrets. His opening death sets the plot in motion, but it was a chaos long brewing.

Perhaps what is most disturbing and intrusive in Watchmen is its place in history. It doesn’t occur in a mythical Gotham, but on New York’s own streets in an alternate 1985. Through an opening montage set to Dylan’s “The Times They Are a-Changin’” (one of many great songs in the film’s sentimental and appropriately dark soundtrack), an alternate past is revealed, one where superheroes won the Vietnam War and Nixon is still president, looming like an evil caricature as he holds desperately onto a crumbling standstill between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. as the world teeters dangerously on the brink of nuclear annihilation. The world is fragile, filthy, and broken, and although changed and vibrantly stylized, it feels dangerously close to our own. And, of course, there’s something familiar in the problem that the only ones who can save the damaged world are the obsolete heroes, forced into hiding by the people they were trying to protect.

Patrick Wilson (looking abnormally unattractive, despite his impressive and oft revealed bod) steps into Daniel, the Nite Owl’s shoes. He’s an earnest boy scout, who’s turned pathetically normal in his retirement, harboring a not so secret crush on Laurie (Malin Akerman), the former Silk Spectre II and daughter of the first Silk Spectre (Carla Gugino). But Laurie’s too busy trying to keep a hold of the last shreds of Dr. Manhattan’s fleeting humanity as he transcends further and further from life on Earth. Then there’s Adrian Veldt (another unrecognizable Matthew Goode), the smartest man on Earth, who’s made a living hawking his superhero fare and amassing millions. And finally, there’s Rorschach with his morphing mask and gravelly Batman voice, played with a sardonic wit by Jackie Earle Haley. He’s a take no prisoners kind of hero – a Republican, for sure – who has no patience for commies, softies, or liberals, but given his story, who could blame him? He’s twisted – in an awfully logical way. Rorschach takes it upon himself to uncover the Comedian’s killer, searching for whoever seeks to snuff out the world’s hidden heroes.

But who will watch the Watchmen? The heroes of the story aren’t good, and they aren’t evil (well some are). They’re not superheroes, but supermen struggling with what to do with their great powers. They wobble on the line between insanity and brilliance – between seeing the clearly and missing it entirely.

The greatest of heroes, of course, is Dr. Manhattan, who becomes an immortal, a god on Earth, a true Watchman. He sees the past and future, but what does he do with that great knowledge? Retreat from the world and let mankind destroy itself or take action to save it? What makes the chaos of human life worth saving? And how much sacrifice can be justified in the pursuit of peace?

Watchmen poses many questions. It doesn’t provide many answers, and its dark, morally compromised conclusion is unsettling to say the least. But as the clouds cleared, I couldn’t help but notice that in this alternate past the New York skyline always looms in the background. Accurately for 1985, the twin towers remained, standing tall even after the finale’s explosive and divisive end. They remained in sight as a ghostly reminder of the damage mankind has already done without the aid of warring Watchmen.  

I couldn’t help but wonder: What does peace cost?

Pete lives! Oh wait, never mind. This week on Damages, Pete lives through his suicide attempt only to be put out of his misery by his own lackeys. But first we get to see Pete through Patty’s eyes, through a series of flashbacks from her childhood. It’s just like Damages to blur the line between the good guys and the bad guys, and this excellent episode is all about blurring that line.

The episode begins with Ellen tossing in bed, she gets up to take a pill, and a male’s voice startles her. It’s dead fiancé David! She’s having a hallucination, he explains with some fancy doctor lingo. Then he wants to know why she hasn’t opened her wedding present yet. He says it will make her laugh. But then the Feds call and let her know that Pete tried to kill himself. She turns around and David’s gone.

Dealing with her dead demons, Ellen returns to group therapy with Wes. She mentions the gift and says that she hasn’t opened it because she’s trying to put her past behind her. Wes interrupts and says that she hasn’t opened it because she’s holding on. If she opens the gift, she has no more moments with David. How perceptive! Wes continues to earn his Sexy title.

While Ellen struggles with letting David go, his killer, Arthur Frobisher continues his journey to put his dark past behind him. He tells his guru that getting shot changed his life, and he wants to build a healing center in the field where he was shot. Even the guru is skeptical of this life change in Frobisher and thinks he’s taking short cuts.

Detective Messer is also worried about Frobisher’s partnership with Patty. (And rightly so.) He goes to see Frobisher and brings along his right-hand man, sexy Wes. Wes warns Frobisher that Ellen had the chance to kill him before when she visited him in the hospital. She might not make the same decision twice. Plus she’s also becoming quite the sharp shooter. Frobisher doesn’t care and refuses to drop the suit against Kendrick. He tells them he “walks without fear” – which gets some pretty awesome looks from Messer and Wes. Yes, Frobisher has lost his mind.

But Detective Messer watches his own back. He visits Frobisher’s guru, threatens the life of a bunny, and lets the guru know what Frobisher’s got to do. The guru tells Frobisher that he should save his own soul – not body – and turn himself in. Frobisher decides to take care of his body instead – so much for enlightenment. Frobisher’s next seen in a car with a hooker. When they’re done, Frobisher makes a call and says, “I’ll do it.” Next we hear, Frobisher’s dropped the lawsuit.

Speaking of hookers, Tom was busy this week trying to reach out to Susie the hooker. He’s looking for dirt on Finn Garrity. They figure he’s been manipulating the energy market to get the UNR stock up (is this possible?). Susie witnesses Finn actually doing this and then tells him about Tom approaching her – not too smart. Finn threatens to kill her if she talks. Susie – remember, not too smart – reaches out to Tom anyway. She tells Tom, Finn has money everywhere. He asks her to find out if she knows Walter Kendrick. She says she will and refuses Tom’s money – she’ll tell him what she needs when she needs it. But some others are taking advantage of their insider knowledge of UNR stock manipulation. Aware that UNR stock is going to illegally surge, Patty’s husband Phil secretly purchases some stock. That’s not going to end well.

Meanwhile, Patty spends the episode having sympathetic flashbacks of Pete rescuing her from her violent father when she was a little girl. Sitting at Pete’s bedside, Pete’s wife reveals to Patty that some new clients were at their house before it happened. Then Ellen visits Patty and wants to know if Pete has anything on her. She thinks the FBI might have gotten to Pete just as they tried to get to her. Well played, Ellen.

The FBI return to try to make a deal with the still living and awake Pete. He’s not playing. So they wire the room. Then Patty comes to see Pete again, and he tells her exactly what happened with the Feds. Patty tells him to tell them everything. Save himself. Ellen, listening in with the Feds, isn’t buying. She can’t believe Patty would let Pete do her in.

But it’s not Patty who’s trying to keep Pete quiet, it’s Patrick, the guy who tried to kill Ellen. After Patty told Pete to save himself, Patrick paid Pete a little visit. Ellen and the Feds overhear them, but no one recognizes Patrick’s voice. Ellen goes up to the room, and just misses Patrick fleeing as Pete bites the big one in the next room. Patrick jumps in a car and tells a guy to hit the gas before Pete’s boss finds out, while Ellen calls Patty and gives her the bad news. Patty watches a little girl in the park walk off with her father and remembers again how Pete helped her during her violent childhood. Patty stands at the fence and cries. She really was going to let Pete talk.

So Damages managed the impossible and made me feel bad for both scheming, creepy Pete and powerful, manipulative Patty. Bravo. But the awesome didn’t stop there.

Here’s the grand finale: 3 months later Pete’s wife finds some files tucked away in their closet. There are surveillance photos of Katie Connor and an ominous red file labeled “Ellen Parsons”. Pete’s wife delivers the file to Ellen – talk about fanning the flames.

Cue Ellen’s hotel room, she’s waving that gun around again. And who’s at the other end? It’s Patty! She’s weeping and looking very distressed. She tells Ellen this isn’t like her, and Ellen agrees: the gun’s not even loaded. So it’s just the two of them, Ellen says, and then she hands Patty the red folder. Patty opens it and seems to know what’s coming.

Bang, Bang.

I guess Ellen lied.

Next week: Ellen and Wes finally fall into bed together. Their shrink thinks that could be psychologically damaging. Oh honey, you have no idea!

Season 2, Episode 8: They had to tweeze that out of my kidney. (originally aired February 25, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Patty’s Pete by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

This week on Damages, Ellen was involved with blackmailing yet another old man into committing suicide. First, she and Patty blackmailed Ray Fiske into desperate measures, and now Uncle Pete takes the bullet (or more like the pills) for Patty Hewes.

Ellen, who knows Pete is on to her conspiring with the Feds, discovered that Pete has a record that stretches back half a century. The Feds decide that one of the best ways to get to Patty could be through Pete – who certainly knows all the dirt. Plus, Pete’s got a sick wife at home, so he’s easy to exploit. How is it that I’m starting to feel bad for the criminal here? Oh wait he tried to kill Ellen – all better now. Go on, FBI…

So the FBI watched two of Pete’s “business partners” make a deal for some bootleg DVDs in a parking lot. They bust the bootleggers, and then watch as one of them passes the money from the deal off to Uncle Pete. Nabbed him! They bring Pete in and offer him 10 years in prison – meaning his sick wife will die alone – or he can tell them what he has on Patty. Eventually Pete gives in – after some heavy persuading involving the missus – and he tells the cops he has some evidence on Patty in a storage locker that will put her away for a long time. He just has to get the key from his house.

Strangely gullible, the cops escort Pete to his house, make small talk with his wife – revealing that they are new clients of Patty’s (yeah, sure) – and then they let him go by himself to the bathroom. Come on, guys, first day on the job? Pete returns from the bathroom and takes the guys to the storage locker. The Feds open the trunk, and it’s empty. Pete starts convulsing and falls to the floor, foaming at the mouth. Back at Pete’s house his wife goes to the bathroom for more medicine, discovers a bunch of empty bottles of pills and a note, saying “I’m sorry.” Wish I could say the same, Pete.

Speaking of killers I don’t feel sorry for, Patty announces publicly that Frobisher is her new client. Then she invited Ellen in to a meeting with Frobisher, without warning Ellen that she’d be walking in on the guy who killed her fiancé. What a super surprise! Ellen is furious, but Patty plays it off by telling Ellen that she’s keeping Frobisher close so they can figure out if he was involved in David’s murder. I guess that’s not a conflict of interest? But Patty does keep her promise, and she discovers that Frobisher had a private security firm on retainer – the same firm the missing cop that was stalking Katie Connor worked for. Looks like Patty actually helped Ellen out. Weird.

They are certainly on the right track, because dirty cop, Detective Messer is putting the pressure on Sexy Wes. Messer isn’t too happy with Wes’ progress with Ellen. Wes thinks the best thing is to back off a bit. Messer suggests that if Ellen isn’t talking, maybe Katie Connor will. Then lo and behold, Wes accidentally runs into Ellen and Katie in a bar. As Ellen takes a phone call from the FBI, Katie and Wes flirt. There’s nothing like a little green eyed monster to spark Ellen’s interest. Looks like Wes might be getting something more than information from Ellen very soon.

Kendrick, however, is still having a bad week. A financial guy he’s using to move some money around – surely not legally – gets caught doing some blow with a hooker. Nice! Tom then figures it out when he witnesses Claire Maddox defending the call girl, Susie, in court. He looks into it, and the John’s name was blacked out on the police report. Tom then tries to reach Susie, but gets a different call girl instead. But for some extra cash the working girl reveals the name of Susie’s client: Finn Garrity (Kevin Corrigan). And then she reveals her bra. Bad Tom, I hope you walked away. I sort of doubt he did.

Cue Finn Garrity in a hotel room with Susie, snorting some more coke and finalizing a transaction online. Legal? I doubt it.

Next Week: Pete’s alive! Or in a coma at the very least. Darn. Killer lives to plot another day.  

Season 2, Episode 7: New York Sucks (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Awwww, Pete. by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

The Office has had its fair share of clunkers this season – 5 year fatigue? – and Thursday’s two-part episode conclusion was yet another. After a satisfactory build-up in “Lecture Circuit: Part I,” I was hoping that we’d figure out some dirt on Kelly, Jim and Dwight would continue to delight in their failed party planning, and that the delightful Holly would return. On all counts I was as disappointed as the audiences of Michael’s lectures. “Lecture Circuit: Part II” was nothing less than a lesson in failure.

Failure 1: On the party-planning front, Jim and Dwight were still trying to throw a belated birthday party for Kelly. In the midst of planning it, Dwight had discovered that Kelly had spent time in Juvie as a teenager. I was hoping this was a misunderstanding, and that we’d finally find out what I’d long suspected: Kelly is crazy. Well, good news and bad news: Kelly is crazy and she also spent time in Juvie (that’s probably all bad news for Kelly). Anyway, she went to jail for stealing her ex-boyfriend’s dad’s boat in a misguided attempt to win him back. Is it me or is that just sad as well as a complete misuse of our legal system?

Well, Jim continued to try to throw a party for crazy, sad Kelly, but failed (just like this episode) and couldn’t even spell her name correctly. Then Jim decided that the theme of Kelly’s party was that she could choose between taking a nap or watching a half hour of TV while at work. (Huh? Is that a theme?) Mysteriously, Kelly was really excited about this, chose a nap, and slept under the conference table while I continued to wonder if I was missing something. Like the joke maybe?

Conclusion of plotline one: FAIL.

Failure 2: Elsewhere in The Office other potentially-funny-but-somehow-not plotlines were happening around the fact that Angela bought a $7,000 cat with the money she got from selling Andy’s engagement ring. How many things can you find wrong with that sentence? To watch her new expensive kitty, Angela set up a nanny cam. But the kitties were not behaving themselves and an undersexed kitty (hey it is Angela’s) got a little too excited over the new princess. Kevin, Oscar, and Meredith found the violation of Angela’s new prize kitty hilarious, but Angela rushed off to deal with her misbehaving babies.

However, Angela forgot to turn off the kitty-cam and the Scranton office watched as she proceeded to actually lick her cats. I’m sorry, what? This was not only gross, but also not even remotely funny. It was just weird, weird, weird. She then returned to the office and coughed up a hairball. And this episode was officially worse than Catwoman.

Plotline two: FAIL.

Failures 3, 4, 5: But what about the Holly and Michael reunion you may ask. Surely that’s going to be good. Well, think again. There was no reunion. Holly was absent from the episode. This was especially unfortunate because all of Michael’s plotlines since Holly’s departure have been horribly weak, and the weakness continued.

Pam and Michael arrived in Nashua to discover that Holly was on an HR retreat, but maybe her boyfriend AJ could help them reach her. Boyfriend? Ouch. Predictably Michael had a breakdown in the middle of his lecture to the Nashua office and began interrogating an unsuspecting AJ about his relationship with Holly. Then he proceeded to crawl, yes crawl, out of the conference room. This was way over the top – is Michael really that incapable of human interaction? – but what followed was even worse.

Pam took Michael’s spot and continued his lecture, using his notes and horrific movie quote bastardizations to deliver it. Not only was it completely unfunny to watch Pam awkwardly deliver Michael’s speech, but it wasn’t believable either. Why would Pam do that? Why wouldn’t she just improvise her own presentation? Last I checked Pam has worked in Scranton for a number of years and has been doing the majority of Michael’s job for the greater part of it. Was she really incapable of ad-libbing her own lecture? I thought it was time for Pam to show off her smarts, instead I was just disappointed.

Disappointed Michael meanwhile investigated Holly’s PC (nice product placement HP) and found a letter on her computer titled “Letter to Michael”. He proceeded to take out a memory stick and upload the file. Is it just me or is this too smart for Michael? You know, the same guy that just crawled out of a conference room like a petulant toddler and cut a sleeve off the sweater on the back of Holly’s chair as a memento?

Well, after the failed presentation, Michael confessed to Pam that he stole the letter off Holly’s computer. Pam was initially affronted by his invasion of Holly’s privacy, but curiosity got the better of her. So Pam read the letter instead and then deleted it. She told Michael that it wasn’t over between him and Holly, but divulged nothing more. Does that mean I can hope for a Holly return in a future episode?

Tally for this plotline:

Holly’s return: FAIL.

Pam’s squandered potential: FAIL

Ability to believe Michael as a human being: FAIL

After its “Lecture” series, it’s The Office that deserves a strong talking to.

Next up for The Office: “Blood Drive”. Let’s hope a little blood-letting cures The Office of its ailments.

Season 5, Episode 15: Lecture Circuit: Part 2 (originally aired February 12, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

This week I’m going to continue to try to simplify the rapid plot twisting and double crossing on Damages – which is sort of like explaining what the heck is going on with Joaquin Phoenix lately. It’s impossible for any sane person to do. But I’m sure gonna try.

Claire Maddox gets around: This week we get a little dirt on rival female lawyer extraordinaire, Claire Maddox. Turns out girl gets around. Getting dressed in a hotel room, she dumps Daniel Purcell because it’s gotten too complicated. Guess it wasn’t quite the torrid, secret love affair it first seemed to be. Later it’s revealed that Claire and Kendrick were probably once getting it on – if they’re not still – but they’re at least close enough that Kendrick thinks he can pimp her out to his lonely friends. (Nice.) Claire, however, has other objectives and leaves the restaurant with the young, tattooed waiter, not the sorry buddy. And amazingly, between all this bed jumping, Claire even found time to sue Patty Hewes.

Patty gets sued: Usually at the other end of the table, Patty gets sued for defamation after asserting on national television that Walter Kendrick, CEO of UNR, commissioned the murder of Daniel Purcell’s wife. Patty has no proof of this, but I think it’s safe to say he was at least covering it up. As a result of the accusations, UNR stock plummets and it won’t go back up until they can settle this thing with Patty and shut her up. Tom and Claire argue out a settlement and Patty agrees to $5 million for Kendrick’s environmental charity of choice.

But Patty moves quicker than Kendrick and his loose lawyer, Claire Maddox, and finds a client to sue UNR for poor management leading to the stock drop. That client is none other than Arthur Frobisher. (Whoa! What?!) There’s no way Ellen’s going to be okay with that, especially considering all that’s happened this week.

Ellen, David, Katie, and everyone they know: Katie Connor (Ellen’s dead fiancé’s sister) gets robbed (so far no reason to believe this is anything but a simple mugging, but you never know) and as she’s making her report she recognizes a cop as the man who stalked her the previous year for Arthur Frobisher. She sneaks a picture of him, but the cop sees. He goes off to Detective Messer – who killed David – and tells him Katie spotted him and that Ellen’s been talking to the FBI.

Katie tells Ellen about the Stalker cop, and Ellen goes off to use the firm as Patty promised to track down who the guy is. Before she gets to tell Katie what she found out, Katie filed a report with the Internal Affairs Bureau. Ellen reprimands Katie for doing that and they have a fight, where Katie tells Ellen to go to hell. Meanwhile, Stalker Cop goes back to Detective Killer who repeats his pattern for solving problems: two bullets to Stalker Cop’s chest. Not sure how he didn’t see that one coming.

But something did take Ellen by surprise this week. The lease on the apartment she used to share with David is up, and she goes by the apartment to see it one last time. A neighbor gives her a package that was delivered after David’s death – it’s a wedding gift from David. Ellen cries and is unable to open it. (Sad!) Ellen does call Katie back to apologize, but before she can open the mysterious present, Patty calls. She lets her know that she’ll help Ellen trace the dirty cop back to Frobisher – but doesn’t reveal he’s also her new client. Conflict of interest much?

The Big Bang? Bad Detective Killer wasn’t done yet. Earlier he had told Frobisher that David’s murder couldn’t be tracked back to him. Stalker Cop was already taken care of, now it was Ellen’s turn. Flash to 4 months in the future (close to Ellen’s shoot-out moment), and Detective Killer enters Ellen’s apartment with a gun. She’s singing in the shower and calls out for Wes. Detective Killer screws a silencer onto his weapon and approaches a defenseless Ellen. Yikes! Ellen, how do you escape damage on this one?

Season 2, Episode 6: A Pretty Girl in a Leotard (originally aired February 11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out “You know what I’m in the mood for?  A fight.” by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

In this episode of The Office, Michael made a fool of himself, Pam and I continued to be eerily similar, and Jim and Dwight were forced to get along when they were named joint Party Planners and forgot Kelly’s birthday.

Before I begin, kudos to writer Mindy Kaling (a.k.a. Kelly) on the brilliant cold open this week.  Michael found out that his phone had a PA function so he could make announcements to the office.  You can just imagine what Michael did with this. (Remember when he got Ryan’s cell phone number?) After torturing the Dunder Mifflinites with disgusting phone conversations with his doctor and annoying “announcements,” Jim snuck into Michael’s office with scissors in his back pocket and furtively cut the PA wire.  Michael didn’t notice and continued speaking into his phone.  Genius.

The two part episode then took off with Michael, thanks to his good branch performance, being sent by David Wallace to visit the other branches on a lecture circuit.  So he and poor Pam (who’s literally in it for the money) hit the road to Utica where Karen is the branch manager.  Pam was nervous because she doesn’t like to think that there’s someone out there who dislikes her – not even al Qaeda.  To which I say, get out of my head, Pam!  Seriously, first it was the hair, then “second-drink,” then the Banana Republic wardrobe, and now an irrepressible need to be liked by everyone.  Seriously, where’s the camera?  And maybe John Krasinski (wink, wink)?

But back to The Office.  Michael’s lecture went as miserably as you would expect it to, but the big news was Karen, who was married to a tall, lanky guy just like Jim and super pregnant.  Pam and Karen – now happy in their separate relationships – made friends just as they always should have been.  And Michael made inappropriate comments.

Back in Scranton, Dwight and Jim tried to make amends for forgetting Kelly’s birthday.  After the power play between Angela and Phyllis, Dwight and Jim were named co-chairs of the Party Planning Committee – because that’s going to ensure less conflict.  But it did bring us a glorious joint Dwight-Jim talking head.  Let me just say, we should have them all the time, and they should always have to sit so close to each other that they fight over elbow room.  Plus, I loved that they both reacted to the party planning task with the same disgust.

But whatever their dislike of party planning, they had to do something to quell Kelly – who was pissed about people being mean to the popular girl.  Jim tried to make nice and asked what he could do.  Kelly ranted.  Then Dwight cut her off and demanded to know what kind of cake she wanted.

The two then proceeded to throw a truly sad birthday party.  Dwight decorated the room with barely filled brown and grey balloons (they matched the carpet), and Jim couldn’t seem to get anyone to donate money to the party.  Creed, however, did pitch in by giving Jim a $3 bill.  Oh Creed.

Still trying to throw the party, Jim called Dwight from the store to find out how old Kelly is so he could buy the right candles.  Dwight thus went to Kelly’s personnel file and discovered that Kelly was in “Berks County Youth Center.”  Dwight explained that it must be “Juvie.”  But this is the same guy who thought that the leading cause of death in this country was shotgun weddings, so I’m thinking that something else is up with Kelly.  A mental facility maybe?  Is Kelly crazy?  It would explain a lot.

Andy was also trying to move on past Angela and some psychological issues this week.  As he explained in a talking head, “I am single now.  What we have here is a smack-down between the Nard-dog and crippling loneliness, despair, and depression.”  Oh man! (Should I feel bad for laughing?) Andy thus spent the episode hitting on a beautiful, young client of Stanley’s who was unfortunately not interested.  Creed even gave him some advice – based on how he got Squeaky Fromme (a Charles Manson worshipper) – and told Andy to be aggressive and just kiss her.  Even though Creed called him Jim (Creed’s on fire this week), Andy took his advice and went in for the kiss.  But the sexy client did not let him follow through.  So I guess Andy didn’t win the battle, and he also lost the client.  Is anyone else noting that Andy is becoming more and more like sad Michael?

Speaking of sad Michael, Pam explained that she was happy that Karen moved on because it gave her closure.  Michael realized that he never had closure with Holly.  In a moment of impulsive kindness, Pam pulled a u-ey to head to Nashua so Michael could see Holly and get his closure.

But there was no closure for us this week.  It’s to be continued …

Looks like we’re in for a bumpy ride.

That’s what she said.

Nailed it.

See you in Nashua.

Season 5, Episode 14: Lecture Circuit: Part 1 (originally aired February 5, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

FX’s Damages continues to twist and turn and confuse the heck out of me this week.  There are so many plot twists and flashes and theories flying around that I’m beginning to feel lost, or like I’m watching Lost.  So to take a page out of Poptimal’s Lost reviewer Robin Reed’s playbook, I’m going to stop delivering the play by play and just pitch you some episode highlights.

Patty becomes enraged: Patty explains to Ellen how she picks a case.  It starts with a “seed of anger” which becomes a “full-blown rage.”  After Daniel embarrassed her in court last week, Patty is definitely becoming enraged.  Patty spends most of the episode getting thwarted by other people – which must be new to her – and building up that rage.

First she tries to get an EPA buddy, Mr. Schiff (sadly not The West Wing‘s Richard) to throw out a merger between UNR and some other large company.  Sadly, Mr. Schiff gets pressured into pushing it through due to Kendrick’s ties with Clarke Peters.  Patty gets mad.

Then her son Michael says that he’s going to keep seeing his father, Daniel.  Patty gets really mad.

Patty’s husband Phil gets tipped off by Clarke Peters – now called Dave – that Patty’s being investigated.  This just seems to excite Patty.  Patty’s husband (who’s also cheating on her) later tells her the merger must be hiding something else.  This also seems to excite Patty.

Then Ellen comes to Patty – after creepy Uncle Pete starts to doubt Ellen’s motives – and says the FBI approached her to spy on Patty.  Which is funny because Ellen really is spying on Patty.  Patty looks enraged now.

Mrs. Purcell was going to tell: The true cause of Daniel Purcell’s wife’s death continues to unravel this week, and it becomes clear that Daniel made a deal to cover up UNR’s bad deeds and Mrs. Purcell was having none of it.  She was going to call the EPA.  Then Daniel called creepy Darrell Hammond and told him they had a problem.  Daniel then gave him the key to his house and the rest is murder history.  No good deed goes unpunished, Mrs. Purcell.

Et tu, Uncle Pete? Daniel may not be the only killer this week.  It turns out that the man who tried to kill Ellen, whom she stabbed before escaping, is still alive.  Pete goes to pay him off and tells him to leave the country.  Flash to after the attempted murder on Ellen: Pete was doing something awfully similar, passing some money off to the killer.  Then Pete told him his boss – can we assume Patty? – can never know about him.  So Patty didn’t want to kill Ellen? (What?!)

Looks like it might be Uncle Pete that Ellen shoots at the end of the season.  Or it could still be …

Wes: Sexy Wes is back!  And even more tall, dark, and dangerously, mysterious handsome than ever.  This week we discover that Wes and Ellen have hot sex before she kills that guy/girl/whoever.  Wes is packing lots of heat at the time, and he’s spying on Ellen for Detective Messer, the dirty cop who killed Ellen’s fiancé.  Talk about sleeping with the enemy, Ellen.

And then there was the final shot of the episode.  In the middle of the day a bullet shoots through a car windshield.  Wes gets out.  Ooo, who did he kill?  And when did he do it?

Murderer tally for the week:

Patty: Maybe not

Phil: Just an adulterer

Uncle Pete: Funding murder

Tom: Please …

Kendrick: Physical assault at least

Creepy Darrell Hammond: Oh yeah, he’s at least commissioned a few

Daniel Purcell: Guilty as charged

Detective Messer: Homicide detective and committer

Wes: He had to use that arsenal for something

Ellen: Not yet …

But who knows what will happen to the tally next week.  I hope I didn’t lose you.

Season 2, Episode 5: I Agree, It Wasn’t Funny (originally aired February 4, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Paranoid Patty by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Hour long episodes are always tough on The Office, which thrives in its tight, concise laughter-filled half-hours.  There are too many plotlines and while many soar, the ones that should have ended up on the cutting room floor distract from hotter topics.  The Super Bowl episode was no different.  It had plenty of scorching, funny moments, but honestly, what was with the celebrity cameos?

For the last few weeks NBC’s been promoting its Super Bowl episode of The Office by announcing guest stars Jessica Alba (who mercifully barely appeared), Jack Black, and Cloris Leachman (ugh, I can’t escape her!), but the payout was minimal.  The stars never actually interacted with the Dunder Mifflinites and instead appeared in a fake movie than Andy illegally downloaded called “Mrs. Hornaday.”  Not only was the movie distracting from the rest of the episode – and a total The Graduate knock-off – but it was ridiculous and unfunny.  Come on, Jack Black making out with Cloris Leachman?  Really?  That’s not funny; that’s gross.  That said, other than the cameos which crashed and burned, the Scranton office was on fire this week.

Starting with the cold open – one of the best I’ve ever seen – The Office was smokin’, literally.  Safety officer, Dwight, never content to be normal, decided that instead of a fire drill he’d start an actual fire, cut the phone lines, and lock all the doors to see how everyone would behave in an emergency.  Panic and hilarity ensued.  Oscar climbed into the ceiling.  Angela tried to save her cat by throwing it up after him.  Let’s just say, the cat didn’t land on its feet.  Kevin smashed the vending machines and pocketed all the food.  And then Dwight told them it was all fake, upon which Stanley had some heart trouble and passed out.  But no worries, Barack is president and Stanley’s black, so he woke up.  The logic is perfect – according to Michael.

After a severe berating by corporate, Michael decided they should all learn CPR.  It was actually a pretty good idea, until Michael started an impromptu dance party and Dwight tried to harvest the dead CPR dummy’s organs – and then cut off its face.  Disturbing.  After another corporate spanking for ruining the CPR dummy, Michael tried instead to de-stress his office by having some meditation time.  Unfortunately, Michael figured out that it was actually he that was stressing out his office.  So to make everyone feel better about their boss, Michael suggested they have a roast of Michael Scott – and they should hold nothing back.

Well, they certainly held nothing back.  Oscar yelled at Michael in Spanish; Angela made fun of his stupidity; Jim poked fun of Michael’s made up vocabulary words; Pam compared his “thing” to an iPod shuffle (ouch Pam!); Darryl pointed out that Michael doesn’t know the names of the warehouse employees, even the one named Michael; and Dwight, after initially trying to defend Michael, told him he was a short, little man with no friends, family or land.  Wow, talk about going for the jugular, Dwight.

Finally after Andy’s rendition of a little ditty called “What I Hate About You”, Michael tried to deliver his gracious roastee speech, but the hurtful comments had gotten to him.  You can’t really blame the Scrantonites – he did quite literally ask for it – but sad Michael moments are always extra awkward.  Choking back tears, Michael left the stage and didn’t show up to work the next day.

Meanwhile (yes, it was an hour long episode), Dwight spent the episode sneakily trying to get everyone to sign his letter of regret for starting the fire, and Jim and Pam scared me into thinking they might break up.  But such is the brilliance of The Office.  The “it” couple never stay together on TV shows.  They have to break up, probably over something trivial, like being “on a break” or falling back in love with Dawson.  Not so on The Office, which continues to defy conventions.

This week, Pam’s parents were having marital trouble and her pop was camped on their couch.  Parental marital woes always spell trouble.  Then Papa Beasley decided to get a new apartment and a divorce after Jim spoke with him.  Pam was ticked.  What did Jim say to her dad?  And when would he say it to her?  Well, after raising my anxiety levels about five notches, Pam talked with her dad.

Jim, looking guilty and afraid, met Pam to find out what happened.  Was it his fault that Pam’s dad was leaving her mom?  Yes, she told him. (My stress levels sky rocket.) Jim told her dad how much he loved her and Pam’s dad realized he’d never felt that way before.  Cue Jim and Pam “Awww!” moment.  So Pam’s parents weren’t soul mates, said Pam, but her kids’ parents would be.  Aw!  And PB&J continue their deliciousness another day.

But back to jilted Michael: after a day spent not feeding the birds, Michael returned to work with some nasty words of his own for his colleagues and even coined a new catch phrase.  Jim has the body of Gumby.  Boom roasted!  Pam failed art school.  Boom roasted!  Meredith’s a whore, Kevin’s dumb, and Angela’s tiny.  Boom roasted! (Personally, I was surprised that Angela’s wasn’t way worse.) Then he got to Stanley – who has a bad heart and crushes his wife during sex.  Boom roasted!  And what just happened?  Stanley the grouch himself started cracking up.  Michael moved on, smirking, and called Oscar gay and Andy even gayer.  Ha!  Yes, I laughed too.  In fact, the whole Office laughed.  And order and tranquility was returned to The Office – at least until next week, when they’ll surely stress me out again.

Season 5, Episode 13: Stress Relief (originally aired February 1, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

If Damages knows how to do anything, it’s how to keep you on your toes.  One episode you’re sure Daniel Purcell is innocent – after all, his wife’s ruby ring was stolen and pawned by a scraggly blond haired guy, just like he said.  But then the next week … Well, hold that thought.

After last week’s diversion, this episode we also return to the mystery of who Ellen kills in five months.  In the hotel room someone arrives with a suitcase of money for Ellen.  The person seems nervous, observes Ellen.  Bang.  Bang.  Ellen exits hotel room 1910 with the suitcase.  So who was trying to pay Ellen off and instead lost their head?

So far no new leads – though Purcell’s looking pretty good, but more on that later – as Ellen took off for West Virginia with Tom to find Daniel Purcell’s reporter friend, Josh Reston.  Unfortunately they have a hard time doing that.  The locals are burning dead livestock by the river, Reston’s home has been ransacked, and his own newspaper editor is lying to them.  Luckily, Reston finds them instead, sneaking up on Ellen outside their motel room.  They go meet in the woods and hash out the Erin Brockovich-worthy scenario.

Not only are whole farms losing their animals, but leukemia rates in the area around the Ultima National Resources facility are 145% above the average.  It seems like somebody’s poisoned the water hole.  And to prove it, Reston has a water sample for them to analyze.  Aware of the sneaky ways of a small town full of spies, Tom and Reston create a diversion, leaving separately from Ellen.  While Tom and Reston get stopped by the cops – always count on the pigs to be dirty – with a bunch of other familiar-looking thugs on their way out of town.  They’re looking for “stolen property.”  Unfortunately for them, the stolen water sample’s in New York with Ellen and Patty Hewes.

But all’s not well with the UNR case.  Patty’s “people” manage to track down the ruby ring and a picture of its pawner, a desperate heroin addict with a sick daughter and a nasty ex named Kevin Walker (not to be confused with the loveable, gay lawyer of Brothers & Sisters).  Walker’s so desperate for money that he robs his own cousin and gets arrested, with the pawn ticket still in his pocket.  Purcell picks the guy out of a line-up and is promptly released from jail.  Happily he hugs his sweet little daughter.  Patty looks on adoringly.  So yay!  Patty freed the innocent man, right?  Remember when I told you to hold that thought?

On a lush green golf course, UNR CEO Kendrick and his sleazy go-to guy, Wayne Sutry, are made aware of the little water sample mishap.  Purcell could be involved.  Sutry says the Purcell situation’s taken care of.  Later on, Claire Maddox, UNR’s chief counsel and Purcell’s secret plaything, is shopping in a farmer’s market with Kendrick.  Purcell’s innocent and he’s been released, Maddox tells him.  She wants to know if they had anything to do with Purcell’s wife’s murder.  Kendrick laughs because, of course, that’s just ridiculous.

Meanwhile a stone-faced lackey – meticulously applying Chapstick – pays a visit to Sutry in a massage parlor.  Can you say cliché?  And is that Darrell Hammond?  So creepy Darrell Hammond tells Sutry he does better with directions – so mindless lackey then – and Sutry sends Hammond to take care of something.  That something?  Kevin Walker, who gets sent a “message” courtesy of Hammond and an inmate’s shank.  So Walker’s been silenced and can’t spill the beans on UNR.

Patty, however, is not clueless about Kevin Walker.  He’s a junkie, not a murderer.  She thinks someone put him up to it, and she thinks that someone was UNR.  Meanwhile, she’s warming to her star witness, Purcell.  She admires his love and protectiveness toward his daughter and after 10 years finally agrees to allow Purcell to meet their son, Michael.  They have a nice little awkward conversion as Patty looks on.  It seems like a touching father/son bonding moment.  Too bad about what happens next.

Patty’s brought Purcell to court – against Claire Maddox – to declare that UNR falsified his report and that they’re poisoning people.  We know from episode one that this did happen.  But on the stand Purcell changes his tune.  He says UNR changed nothing.  The judge throws the motion out, and Patty looks irate.

Flash to a few moments later and Purcell has the water sample.  He’s dumping it into the lake in his backyard as Sutry comes up behind him.  He tells him that Mr. Kendrick has transferred the money to his accounts and that he and his daughter will be taken care of.  So did Purcell get scared?  Accept a bribe in exchange for his daughter’s protection and a bit of old fashioned greed?  Don’t hold your breath.

Flash to three weeks ago.  It’s the night of his wife’s murder.  Daniel gets in the car, panting and sweating.  And who else is that in the car?  Why, it’s creepy Darrell Hammond.  Uh oh.  Another person gets into the car, and it’s Kevin Walker.  Creepy DH gives Kevin the ruby ring, he tells him to go pawn it and keep the ticket (idiot), and tells Daniel to get a good look at him.  Don’t worry, says Creepy DH, it’s all taken care of.  Daniel just needs to go inside and call 911.  Oh snap.

Let’s wrap up: Patty was right, Kevin Walker was put up to the crime.  Or maybe he just took the fall for it.  Either way Daniel was certainly complicit in the killing, but why?  And what does it have to do with UNR poisoning people?  Furthermore, what does it have to do with Ellen’s revenge on Patty/mystery hotel room victim?  And, most importantly, where is sexy Wes and his bureau full of guns?

Guess I’ll have to wait until next week for some answers – or the way this show’s going, more questions.

Season 2, Episode 4: Hey! Mr. Pibb (originally aired January 28, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Patty totally didn’t see that coming by Alana D.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Every Oscar season there’s always the diligent whining over which small gems were overlooked, the griping about quirky indie flicks (coughJunocough) or crowd-pleasing blockbusters (coughTitanticcough) getting too much attention, and all-too-accurate complaining about the lack of substantive roles for women in Hollywood.  But this year, seriously, Oscar, what were you thinking?

So Oscar, here’s my list – by a partial, prejudiced, and partially ignorant film critic – on who was nominated and who should have been:


Best Picture:

Actual Nominees:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Frost/Nixon

Milk

The Reader

Slumdog Millionaire

Who should’ve gotten the nod:

The Dark Knight – Some pictures aren’t forgotten.  There seems to be an unwritten rule at the Oscars – ever since the Titanic backlash – that successful box-office flicks must not be worthy of any more gold than that which they raked in at the theaters.  Well, in the words of Liz Lemon, suck it. The Dark Knight‘s darkness, grit, and humanity showed that audiences can take a lot of depth in the right package.  The ensemble cast was perfection (and I’m not just talking Ledger) and it redefined a genre.  Plus, I’m sure to remember it long after I’ve forgotten Milk.  If that’s not Oscar worthy, I don’t know what is.

Revolutionary Road – Talk about a snub.  This picture had Oscar written all over it, from the cast, to the director, to the cult novel it was based off. (Just look at all that white space on the poster waiting for the accolades.) This was right up Oscar’s moody, brooding, anti-suburbia alley.  And yet, it’s practically absent from the nominations.  I wasn’t in love with this movie, but it did spark quite the animated psychological debate between me and the guy I took to see it.  It was troubling and thought-provoking, as well as the only picture that really explored the female perspective on life (take a good look at the other nominees, folks).  Forgetting this one was a big, big miss.

Frost/Nixon – Okay, the Academy of Motion Pictures did get this one right.  The better of the two play adaptations this year (Doubt being the other), it worked with its “stage” and not against it, giving the verbal fist fight between deposed president Tricky Dick and young journalist Frost a documentary-like feel.  The ensemble was perfect and the subject was all engrossing when it could have easily been a historical bore.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Yeah, the Academy got this one right too.  I’ve heard a lot of squabbling over it already – no it wasn’t as emotionally charged as it could have been.  Yeah, it’s a lot like Forrest Gump.  But for all you film snobs that seemed to have forgotten Forrest Gump won.  It’s also a beautiful story with lush, gorgeous cinematography that certainly takes you to another place.  It’s delicious escapist fare and exactly the kind of movie that should be nominated for an Oscar.  That said, it definitely shouldn’t win.

Slumdog Millionaire - This one should.  It shouldn’t win because it’s the little indie pic that could – unless by “indie” you mean filmed in India – because it’s got Danny Boyle at the helm so it’s not exactly some out-of-nowhere surprise.  It should win because it’s the best picture I’ve seen this year.  I’ve yet to find a single person who didn’t love it and wasn’t moved by it.  It’s uplifting and joyful – and since when do all Oscar winning pics have to be dour, guilty, sad-state-of-humanity dramas (I’m talking to you, The Reader)?  I’ll take the jubilation of Slumdog any day – Bollywood dance numbers and all.

Honorable Mention: Wall-E.  If it weren’t for the relatively new best animated feature category, I’d be saying Wall-E for best pic of the year – which it still might very well be.  At least it’s guaranteed to take home Oscar gold in its own category.

Best Director

Nominated:

(See Directors of nominated Best Pictures above)

Should’ve been nominated:

Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)

Sam Mendes (Revolutionary Road)

Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon)

David Fincher (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire)

Why?  Haven’t you been reading?

Best Actor

Nominated:

Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)

Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)

Sean Penn (Milk)

Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)

Who should’ve been:

I’m giving it to Frank, Sean, and Mickey, and though I didn’t drink The Wrestler Kool-Aid like all the other film critics obviously did, I’m still giving it to Mickey Rourke for the win.  Come on, don’t you want to see him thank his cats this time?

Leonardo DiCaprio – Just when I thought the Academy had warmed to him, they snub him completely.  His performance in Revolutionary Road was certainly better than Brad’s really difficult job of looking pretty in Benjamin Button.  Leo’s performance in political thriller Body of Lies was also more nod-worthy than Brad’s Benjamin, where Leo easily outshined Russell Crowe, went through a grueling torture scene, and even uglied himself up with that hideous beard.  But it seems the Academy will only nominate Leo for something when they’re worried about upsetting the wrath of Scorsese.  Well, at least it’s looking good for Leo next year then.

Clint Eastwood – Seriously, you forgot the Clint?  Was it because he’s a Republican, Hollywood?  Because he already lost that race.  Snubbing him for his performance in Gran Torino is like rubbing salt in an old man’s wounds.  Let’s hope he doesn’t show up and shoot finger pistols at anyone.

Honorable Mention: Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen for Appaloosa.  I know the Academy doesn’t give out Oscars for best Duo Performance.  But these two together gave the best male performances I’ve seen all year, hands and pistols down.

Best Actress

Nominated:

Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)

Angelina Jolie (The Changeling)

Melissa Leo (Frozen River)

Meryl Streep (Doubt)

Kate Winslet (The Reader)

Who Should’ve Been:

Meryl Streep – Because it’s not really the Oscars if Meryl’s not nominated for something.

Melissa Leo – I’ll admit, I haven’t seen Frozen River, but I’m willing to give Melissa the benefit of the doubt here.  Unlike Angelina, whose mere performance in The Changeling‘s trailers was enough to turn me off.  Please, Angie, pout some more.

Michelle Williams – I know this year is all about the Ledger love, and I love him too, but his former love deserves a little attention too.  She entirely carried rarely-seen indie gem Wendy and Lucy and should be recognized for her tender, transformative performance.  But I guess the Academy only had room for 3 female-dominated, indie flick roles this year.

Anne Hathaway – In this category, I’m not contending too much.  Anne gave a career-altering performance in Rachel Getting Married, and the nod is very much deserved.  She may also very well steal the little golden man out of the next Oscar vet’s hands.

Kate Winslet – But not for The Reader.  Yeah, I know she was a Nazi with guilt and dirty secrets and she’s naked all over the place.  But come on, Kate Winslet is always naked.  The girl is comfortable in her skin, and good for her, but her performance in Revolutionary Road (for which I’m becoming a diligent advocate) was far superior.  It was all subtly, angst, and anger.  Every lip twitch was perfect.  Plus, she’s going to win this year – because the prescient Ricky Gervais knows how funny the real world is – and I’d much rather she win for the hard-earned Road than a forgettable Nazi snoozer.

Honorable Mentions: For memorable performances in flicks from across the pond, Kristin Scott Thomas (I’ve Loved You So Long) and Sally Hawkins (Happy Go Lucky).  Unlike previous years, there were lots of meaty female performances this year, and I wish they all could’ve gotten a little Oscar love.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominated:

Josh Brolin (Milk)

Robert Downey, Jr. (Tropic Thunder)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)

Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)

Should’ve Been Nominated:

Does it matter?  This is Heath Ledger‘s award.  No one is going to take it from him – and if someone does, I wouldn’t want to be that guy.  That said, I’m going to jump off the Revolutionary Road bandwagon I’ve been on and say that James Franco should’ve gotten the nod for Milk instead of Michael Shannon.  Though tip of the hat to the Academy for the Robert Downey, Jr. Tropic Thunder nomination.

Honorable Mention: Dev Patel for a phenomenal debut in Slumdog Millionaire.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominated:

Amy Adams (Doubt)

Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)

Viola Davis (Doubt)

Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)

Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)

Who Should’ve Been:

Rosemary DeWitt – Anne Hathaway got her due props with a nomination for Rachel Getting Married, but the girl playing Rachel got nothing.  DeWitt was superb in Rachel and helped make Anne’s performance all the stronger.  She too deserves a nod.

Marisa Tomei – She gets a nomination simply for meeting the Oscars’ nudity in an indie picture quota.

Amy Adams – This wasn’t Adams’ best performance, but in the long tradition of the Academy Awards, I’m giving her this nod as an apology for being snubbed las year.  She completely rocked Enchanted.  She sang, she danced, and she even ran just like a Disney princess.  She’s a talent, for sure, and I can’t wait for next month’s Sunshine Cleaning when she returns to her charming, quirky indie roots.

Viola Davis – Her performance as the conflicted mother in Doubt surpassed Adams’ mousy nun.  It’s a well-deserved nod for an actress we probably won’t see much of again.

Taraji P. Henson – She was a clear, bright light in Benjamin Button‘s hazed over world.  While most of the characters in Button felt detached from the audience and too shiny and plastic to be real, Henson’s faithful, loud, and endearing Queenie stole the spotlight from her A-list co-stars.  She should win, but Penelope Cruz will win – though if it were up to me, her obnoxious role in an obnoxious movie would not have been nominated in the first place.

Honorable Mention: The entire supporting female cast of Synecdoche, New York for being indie-fabulous.

Let’s face it, this year’s Oscars are making me grouchy.  Many of my favorites were flat left out, and some rather undeserving performances have gotten nods on star power alone. (Yes, you Brangelina.) But you know it’s a sad year for Oscar when the Charlie Kauffman script doesn’t get a nod for best original screenplay, and Bruce Springsteen’s original song for The Wrestler is completely forgotten.  Seriously, Oscar, you dissed the Boss?

That’s it Oscar, get back in the trash.

For more movie reviews, click here.

For more awards shows, click here.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences