My strength is that I am open and honest with my readers and Jone Dome podcast listeners.  Whether it is reviewing a movie or TV show, or hating on Kanye West & Kim Khardashian.  My tweets are replete with disdain for celebrities pushing a bunch a useless crap on those “As Seen On TV” type ads that they don’t even use.  I would be a hypocrite to do the same.

That is why I was so surprised the “powers at be” asked me to write this article.  What do I say?  What the hell is the  Walgreens Prescription Savings Club  and why do I care?  After some investigation I found out that what it is is a great deal.  Essentially, for a very little annual cost you can get big savings for the entire family.  *Rip . . . Rip* That’s the sound of me tearing up my CVS Card. 

Here is what I learned.

What is the Prescription Savings Club?

The Prescription Savings Club is for those people that lack or have insufficient drug coverage, then join our 2 million members for discount pricing on your medications.  The membership is risk free and better yet, if don’t save more than the cost of your membership during the course of the year of your membership, the Walgreens will refund the difference.

What is the cost?

For a limited time, Walgreens is offering a special discount on annual membership.  For $10 a year, a family membership covers everyone in your immediate family, including a spouse, dependents 22 and younger and pets. Individuals may join for $5.

Is this a good deal?

In short, I think so because you get the following benefits without much downside:

• discount prices on your prescriptions.
• Savings on more than 8,000 brand-name and all generic medications
• Discounts on flu shots, pet prescriptions, nebulizers and diabetic supplies
• Bonuses when you purchase Walgreens brand products and photofinishing services

To find out more about the Prescription Savings Club and this special discount, be sure to visit their website at Walgreens Prescription Savings Club, like Walgreens on Facebook, and follow Walgreens on Twitter.

On Week One of Season 11, we find ourselves at auditions in two cities: Savannah, Georgia, and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The show begins with its usual self-serving montage of people all over the world opining on the importance and relevance of American Idol, saying things like: “THIS was the original show; this is the one that matters!” Next up, the judges introduce themselves to the TV audience; J.Lo says that Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson are her “family now.” Yes, now that you’ve finally gotten rid of that pointless ragamuffin husband of yours. Good riddance!

As the judges took their seats to begin hearing the auditions, it was obvious within the first few minutes that this would indeed be another lollipops and rainbows season for Idol. The first two episodes showed absolutely zero signs of focusing on the strange, untalented, or overdramatic. In fact, there was almost no drama at all in the opening week. Instead, it was all about the talent. And while there was a LOT of incredible talent, for me, the fun of the auditions  was always seeing the really bad people showcased and then watching the judges’ reactions to them. There was literally NONE of that. It made me really miss Simon Cowell, even two seasons later. Just like last year, they are a new “kinder, gentler” version of the show. Here are some of the most memorable auditions from Week One:

SAVANNA, GEORGIA:

*David Leathers, Jr: a 17 year old kid who honestly looked like he was 10, and sounded very much like a young Michael Jackson from The Jackson 5. What really made me love him, though, is that he was in some local competition years ago with past winner Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary. Country Boy Scotty “Tool on a Stool” came in 2nd, and David won the competition! He also got the very first Golden Ticket to Hollywood.

*Gabi Carrubba: this girl from Connecticutt has been “waiting to audition for the show MY WHOLE LIFE!” How old is she? 16. Oh, you poor thing. Your whole life . . . sigh. Despite this annoying statement, she had a really soulful, sweet sounding vocal and got through to Hollywood.  

*Shawn Keisman: Did not make it through to the next round, but impressed the judges with his very good impression of Ryan Seacrest. He also happens to resemble Seacrest, which makes him twice the amount of irritating. I will bet anyone reading this $100 that we will absolutely see him on the finale; coming out as Seacrest in some lame-ass, unfunny bit. Seriously, just give me $100.

*Shannon Magrane: this 15 year old attractive girl’s audition marked the first of many pervy comments by Steven Tyler. After inviting Shannon’s entire family in to watch as she sang her song, we found out that her father was a star himself. He pitched for the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. After the audition, Tyler purred at the dad: “Mmmmhmm, hot, humid, and happening – just like your daughter!” Ayooooohhh! Awkward silence. Thankfully, Shannon had a beautiful voice and got through to Hollywood. She might want to take her daddy with her so pervy Tyler keeps his manhands off.

*Amy Brumfield:  Homeless girl who lives in a tent in the woods with her boyfriend, and is unemployed. Duh. Very pretty tone in her voice, got through to Hollywood. Just minutes after the episode aired, stories of this girl being arrested possibly six times for drunken behavior and more surfaced on local TV news. Can you say drama? Let’s see what happens.

*Lauren Mink: A definite early favorite for me in the competition. With a pure, silky voice that sounds like a cross between Sugarland’s lead singer and Trisha Yearwood, and a beautiful spirit and persona (she runs a program for kids and awith Down Syndrome. How much more sugary sweet can you get than that?), this creature from heaven had one of the most gorgeous vocals I have heard in some time. Really like her a lot. They did too. Hollywood, baby!

As I mentioned earlier, Season 11 seems to have the judges all hopped up on happy pills. They just loooooved everyone that came through that fake blue door. EVERYONE! Each time someone exited, and the FEW times they said no to someone for Hollywood, you could hear J.Lo purring: “Awwww! I feel so bad! He was so cuuuute!” or other shmaltzy comments. A few of the contestants they put through to Hollywood should not have gone through, like Ashlee Altise, who was strange beyond strange and did not have the vocals to justify putting her into the next round. Then again, who the hell am I? Nobody, that’s who.

The stand-out audition in Savannah was a 20 year old redneck type named, of all things, Phillip Phillips. Now right there, that is a name that is just meant to be famous. It is so damn silly, it just has to be. This kid is just a down-home boy with a kick-ass talent and an acoustic guitar, and music in his soul. With his incredible versions of both “Thriller” and “Superstitious,” this kid had music literally flowing inside every pore of his body. It was as if the song was electricuting him as he sang. Hugely talented. A true natural. Born star.

PITTSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA:

*Heejun Han: Still can’t figure this dude out. His personality was so boring, dull, and bizarre before the audition, it was almost as if the producers told him to try and come across as a weirdo so that people would think he was going to have a terrible voice. (Reality TV? Using manipulation tactics? Naaaahhh!) Then, of course, when he sang, he surprised everyone with his very beautiful tone and gorgeous vocals. J.Lo called him “adorable!” and he got the Golden Ticket.

*Reed Grimm: 26 year old crazy, strange, out of the box wacky guy who came in and sang the theme song to “Family Matters.” Groovy, jazzy, great!

*Samantha Novacek: Weirdest audition ever. Didn’t even make any sense whatsoever. Samantha sang, pretty well, while her younger sister got in front of her and “planked” in order to help her. Um, how exactly does you lying across the floor like a lunatic HELP your sister sing? It was incredibly odd, and the judges pretty much ignored the loony sister and put Samantha through. Tyler wondered if the planking would continue into the next round. ODD.

*Erika Van Pelt: A mobile-DJ and wedding singer with a beautiful alto-rich voice; this girl sounded a lot like Carole King or Karen Carpenter. Loved her tone, and so did they. Excellent job.

*Hallie Day: A great famous name. A great compelling story. A high-school drop-out at age 15, Hallie became parentless and turned to drugs as a way to attempt to take her own life (drank a bottle of pills and ended up in the ER). Met her husband, who saved her, and encouraged her to audition for the show. Singing “I Will Survive” (of course), her incredibly strong and lovely voice belted through the hallways of Idol-land. Wonderful way to end the week of auditions.

There were many other highlights as well, such as Eben Franckowitz, Creighton Fraker, Brittany Kerr, and more. As the auditions continue, and the contestants become less and less in numbers, these reviews will get a lot more interesting and lot more funny (hopefully). Once we get into the Top 12, that is when things really start to get good. Let’s just hope there are some good contestants to mock this season. So far, it all seems very safe and lovey-dovey. I need some more drama in my Idol. If not, I will have to spend most of my time making fun of Seacrest (which is just fine with me).

Who were your favorites this week? Next week, we’ve got a special post-football episode, and then the usual two.  I will cover them all in my next review.  See you then, kids!

Season 11, Episodes 1-2: Savannah & Pittsburgh Auditions (originally aired January 18-19, 2012)

American Idol airs (usually) on Wednesdays/Thursdays at 8pm on FOX.

Follow @poptimal.  Follow @kelleyiskelley.  Read Kelley’s blog here.

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.

Hey Poptimal.com readers, it’s Ference from Poptimal.com’s the Jone Dome Podcast. 

I just heard that the rock band SAY NO has set up a secret website featuring seven tracks off their highly-anticipated album coming out in 2012.  If you haven’t heard of them, then you are missing out! 

They rock out house by mixing pop harmonies with high energy guitar riffs. That description not helpful?  Then think British rock legends like the Sex Pistols, Oasis, and Kasabian.

The great news is that if you follow the link below, like their page, and vote for your favorite song, you will receive a free copy of the initial single before it is officially released. Better yet, by voting you can win an iPad or $50 iTunes gift cards.

Follow this Link to this Secret Page

For more information or to schedule an interview with the band, please contact: theband(at)saynomusic(dot)com.

Thanks to Perez!

As most of you know, hating is what I do; on the Jone Dome Podcast, (available at iTunes) in my articles on Poptimal.com, and of course in the Twitter-sphere.  I consider myself the most uppity pop culture hater east of the Mississippi and love to straddle the line between good taste and good snark. 

That is why I was so surprised Poptimal.com (@Poptimal) asked me to tweet the 2011 American Music Awards using the new LG DoublePlay™.   I must admit that at first I went all “Occupy LG” on Poptimal management.  But much like what even the most steadfast OWS supporter would do, they gave me a job and so I gave up the fight.  (But if I ever sell my soul like Jennifer Lopez did to Fiat, you have my permission to punch big mouth on sight) (Follow me on Twitter)

I use social media constantly and am perpetually texting every minute of the day to keep up with the rest of the Poptimal.com writers all over the country.  I am that relative that will annoy the crap out of you this Thanksgiving because he has a drumstick in one hand and a smart phone in the other, with cranberry sauce smeared across the screen.

Let’s cut to the chase.  Two different things stuck out in my mind about the LG DoublePlay™    from last night’s AMA coverage.

1.     The 2 Screens Made It Easy To Tweet and Find Celebrity Twitter Names At The Same Time

When you slide the phone open you see that the DoublePlay™ has two screens – a 3.5” main screen and at 2” subscreen.  This allowed me to perform two tasks at once.  Because the AMA was fast paced with celebrity presenters and performers running on and off stage, I needed to make sure that I had the celebrity’s twitter name to mention in my tweet.  I was able to go back in forth between each screen with ease.  It is like having two browsers open on a laptop. 

For instance, when Christina Aguilera came on stage, I wanted to tweet using my Hootsuite account:

“What Happened? Someone ate Christina Aguilera & is now performing in her dress. #AMAs @Poptimal”

But, I wanted to make sure that Christina and her fans saw it so was able to quickly text my fellow writer to find her Twitter name on the smaller screen.  That way my post came out:

“What Happened? Someone ate @TheRealXtina & is now performing in her dress. #AMAs @Poptimal” 

The whole thing took 1 min total, and my tweet-hating increased by 10 fold.

2.     My Sausage-Like Phalanges Didn’t Keep Me From Typing

As most of you know from the podcast, I have fatman fingers so thank God for the full slide-out QWERTY keyboard and Swype® for easy text input.  Now, I will complain that the autocorrect feature still sucks, but that is true with all cell phones.  But, it leads to some funny tweets, like this one:

In short, if you are as active on social media as I am, the LG DoublePlay™ is a good bet.  Go and check it out.

Now, here is some technical mumbo jumbo for you Frackers!

• The LG DoublePlay™ also comes with a 5-megapixel camera with LED flash and 720p HD video recorder, allowing users to capture and share pictures and videos via messaging, email or Facebook
• The device also offers multiple messaging options, including Cloud Text™ and Group Text™, giving users the ability to send and receive texts from a PC or tablet or create group chats on-the-go for faster, more efficient content sharing.
• LG DoublePlay™ features Android™ 2.3 (Gingerbread) with access to Android Market™ and delivers complete user customization with seven home screens and up to nine touchscreen shortcuts for one-touch navigation.

LOVEFiLM already has a lot going for it. One of the best and most flexible rental services available in the UK and across Europe, LOVEFiLM allows you to choose a payment plan that suits you, meaning that you rent whatever you want, whenever you want it, and don’t pay a penny in late fees.

However, their great services don’t start and end with film rental: you can also rent television shows and console games from the LOVEFiLM website, and even catch up on all the latest film news and
new releases.

LOVEFiLM’s rental packages work on a disc system rather than an individual film system. That means that when you choose a package, it doesn’t allow you a certain number of films per month, but a certain number of discs. That means that you can use this allotted number to include TV series, and if you pick a package that includes game rental, it can also include video game discs or cartridges.

But what LOVEFiLM has to offer isn’t all embodied in physical discs sent to you via the post. Recently, LOVEFiLM added the LOVEFiLM player to their site, an instant streaming service that allows you to watch films on your computer straight from the LOVEFiLM website. There is no need to download anything or mess around with installing software; you can literally stream over five thousand titles straight to your PC, PS3 or internet enabled TV to watch instantly.

You may realize that there is much more to LOVEFiLM than meets the eye! Exploring the website at http://www.lovefilm.com/ is a great way to see everything else that the service has to offer, including all the latest film reviews and releases in the Reviews section of the site. Whereas on other sites it can be difficult to find reviews and comments on older releases, the LOVEFiLM site maintains a huge archive of both staff and customer reviews, even of films which were releases many years ago. This means that you can just as easily decide whether to rent a retro James Bond flick with Sean Connery, or the most recent Daniel Craig outing, Quantum of Solace.

** This is a paid advertisement.  Neither Poptimal LLC, its agents, or associates make any claims or warranties regarding the above product.  Those claims are made solely by the advertiser.  As with anything, buyer beware.

Check out the first scene below:

Green Lantern comes to television in an all-new CG animated action series from world-renowned producer, artist and animator Bruce Timm (Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League). Based upon the DC Comics super hero, GREEN LANTERN: THE ANIMATED SERIES follows Earth’s Green Lantern, Hal Jordan, who is used to being in dangerous situations — but he’s never faced anything like this! Set in the farthest reaches of deep space, the series finds Hal on the Guardian Frontier, where he must face down an invasion from the Red Lantern Corps. Powered by pure rage, the evil Red Lanterns have sworn to destroy the Green Lantern Corps and everything they stand for. Dispatched on the experimental spacecraft The Interceptor, Hal is soon joined by an all-new group of heroes on a mission to protect Guardian Space — and the Green Lantern Corps itself!

Cowell is kind of an evil genius, if you think about it. Look at what he did. He took all the best parts of Idol, and brought them over to his new show; the first of those things being himself. Next, he did something incredibly smart – he went after Paula Abdul, and got her. So now we get that same magic and odd but undeniable chemistry of Paula vs. Simon, and we don’t even have to watch Idol to get it. And there’s more! Idol has Coke – The X Factor has Pepsi. Idol has annoying, douchey Seacrest. The X Factor has a slightly less douchey, less annoying dork named Steve Jones. Idol has Randy Jackson. The X Factor has L.A. Reid, who kind of sort of looks like a thin Randy Jackson. Idol has J. Lo. The X Factor has Nicole Scherzinger. (Who??? Right. Exactly. Apparently she is some sort of big-ass pop star that I have never heard of. To me, she just looks like a lost Kardashian.) Idol is on FOX. The X Factor is on FOX. Are you with me here? I’m telling you, Simon Cowell is a freakin’ genius.

So how is it different? There are a few things: 1: The prize for the winner, 5 million dollars and a recording contract with Sony, is the biggest amount of money awarded in reality-show history. 2: Contestants can be as young as age 12, and there is no age limit. 3: Contestants can audition as solo singers OR as a group. 4: The auditions take place in a huge arena, in front of a live audience. 5: The contestants will eventually be broken up into four different categories (Boys, Girls, Over 30, and Groups), and each judge will compete against each other to work with and mentor specific contestants.

There. I think that covers everything. Now let’s get right to the action, since the premiere felt the need to be FOUR HOURS long (2 shows, 2 hours each). The first two episodes covered auditions in Los Angeles, Seattle, Dallas, and Miami. So, there were quite a few acts, and quite a lot happened. If I covered all of it, I would die of old age typing this. Here are some of the highlights:

Up first was Rachel Crow, a 13 year old spitfire who reminded me of Janet Jackson when she was on Good Times. She sang “Mercy,” and her voice was way beyond her years. I do not understand how the hell this chick is only 13, as her vocals sound out of this world for that young age. Another standout performance came from 36 yr. old Tarrell Carter, who was extremely soulful and had a great personality.

Someone that completely baffled me was Siameze Floyd. First of all, what kind of name is that? Really? This dude came out all serious-like, and then his performance was all-over-the-place awful. He was a combination of Prince, James Brown, and El DeBarge, minus all of their talent. He screeched and danced around in a see-through shirt that showed way too much nipple; and he gyrated across the stage. Here’s the confusing part – they put him through! They also put through Simone Battle, 21, who was conceited, feisty, and downright annoying. I did not like this chick at all. People who show up with an  attitude automatically turn me off, especially when they don’t even have the talent it takes to back it up. If you are gonna be throwing around attitude all over the place, you better be pretty damn brilliant.

On the freak side of the coin, we had Dan and Venita, a very old married couple in their seventies and eighties, who wobbled their way through “Unchained Melody” as Simon openly laughed at them. A ridiculous performance. The woman looked like she had died 5 years ago but just forgot to lie down, and the guy looked like Richard Nixon’s great great grandfather, frozen in time. Simon called them “terrifying,” which was the perfect word to describe them.

Geo Goelley began in a silvery getup, and ended up half nude as he showed off his “X Factor” to the audience and judges. Yes, he wagged around his naked penis, causing Paula Abdul to become physically ill (really?) and leave the arena to be sick. Simon made me laugh with his comment of “What the bloody hell was that?” Exactly.

One of my favorite performances came from Marcus  Canty, whom the judges compared to both Usher and Bobby Brown. Singing Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish,” he danced and moved with such natural ability that it just made me smile watching him. A huge talent.

The Anser was one of the first groups that the show focused on, and they were quite good, consisting of 3 guys in their 20′s, singing together in beautiful harmonies and smokey voices. Enjoyed their act very much.

Another high point in the show came when 28 yr. old Chris Rene, a recent recovering drug-addict with a 2 year old son, rapped and hip-hopped (is that a phrase?) his way through a completely original song titled “Young Homie.” He reminded me of a very young Eminem. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he had a LOT of soul and grit to him, and I liked it. I wanted to see what he would do next. L.A. Reid told him “You are the truth.” Emotional performance and story.

And now back to the freak portion of the show: Ashley Sansone was an obvious whackjob from moment one when she wouldn’t shut the hell up and just kept talking and talking and talking, until the judges had to finally implore her to please stop speaking nonsense and SING already. Then it got worse, because her version of singing was pretty much a lot of yelling and screeching things that didn’t sound anything like real words. Not to be upstaged, the mother/daughter duo called Dreamgirlz turned out to be more of a nightmare as they screamed their way off-key through “Barracuda.” When the judges passed on them, their redneck, backwoods brother threw a little hissyfit backstage and started flipping out at all the cameramen and producers all classy-like. As if THAT will change anyone’s mind …

Jonny Rogers, who was dubbed “Barbie’s boyfriend Ken” by Simon, pretty much looked exactly like Barbie’s boyfriend Ken. With feathered, 1970′s blonde hair, a pink dress shirt, and a performance that involved a weird robot-like dance. I felt like I was on acid, and sitting in a gay dance club in 1979. Not to be outdone, Zander Alexander gave “asshole” a new name when he came out to the stage with severe attitude and limited talent. He was very bitchy, arrogant, and a total drama queen. At one point, Simon told him to “stop pretending to cry.” At another point, it looked as if they were going to put him through, but then the audience sort of booed him, and they thought better of it. Thankfully! One of the last shots on the show was of Zander sitting in the corner, after being turned away, fake crying. At least it looked fake to me. I am so glad they didn’t put that unappreciative jerk through. That kind of pompousness makes me so angry.

Dexter Haygood, who once toured with Hall and Oates and, at age 49, was looking for his last chance at fame, had a natural and wonderfully raw, raspy rock voice, that was tainted with just the right amount of pain and emotion. Caitlin Koch was a beautiful blonde rugby coach, with the voice to match. Her subtle delivery and soft yet strong vocals were gorgeous in a very understated way.

To me, the biggest standout of this first week was an 18 yr. old woman named Melanie Amaro. When she sang Beyonce’s  “Listen”, I got chills all up and down my arms, and tears came to my eyes. She was absolutely incredible, and I cannot wait to hear her sing again with her rich and pure tone.

There are so many more auditions that I didn’t cover here, as doing so would mean I would have to quit my job and do nothing but write this. So, who were some of your favorites? Least favorites? What do YOU think of The X Factor so far? It is very early to say just yet, but so far, I am liking it.

Season 1, Episodes 1-2 (originally aired September 21-22, 2011)

Read Kelley Lynn’s reviews of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol.

Dear Diary,

Ho-ly Shit. I cannot believe the plebs they have sacked me with this go-around. Every year I say to myself whilst looking into a mirror, “Gordo, do not sign onto another season of Hell’s Kitchen. It’s not worth it. You’re a ruggedly handsome, world-renowned, charming, accented, hugely successful-yet-down-to-earth Michelin star chef. Don’t give another restaurant to someone whose only culinary claim to fame is the ability to burn toast.” And yet, here we are. Back in L.A. to run another group of hopefuls through the meat grinder.

Over the past few weeks, the men’s team have absolutely taken the piss out of themselves, getting their asses handed to them by the ladies time and time again. Watching the Blue team in the kitchen is like seeing a clown car pull up and spill out with a horde of rabid chimps who proceed to destroy everything they touch and throw their shit at one another, but not before throwing it up to the pass for me to evaluate and serve to my customers. My God, Diary, it is bloody dismal. However, the drama with the ladies is worthy of an MMA bout. And while we’re on the subject, might I ask that they all just collect themselves, hop into some bikinis, and duke it out in a mud pit so we can please move the fuck on? Elise’s mouth runs so hot, so fast, that I’m shocked diarrhea hasn’t shot out of it yet. The attitude on the girl is absolutely relentless. Her most archest of nemeses, Carrie, was on the chopping block last week, but I kept her, not because she is a good cook, but because I owed a favor to the network to keep the drama unfolding. Why else would I have kept her around? Well guess what, Fox? It worked. I thought someone put an air raid siren in the dorms last night, but it was just the Red Team being as catty has humanly possible.

For this week’s challenge, I had the contestants get up close and personal with a truckload of chickens. The more chickens they caught in a hay-filled pen, the more ingredients they were able to use in the kitchen tonight. All the chefs took turns running around the pen in overalls, giving their best country bumpkin impersonation and they did it with a smile on their faces.

…..

So sorry about that, Diary. I was consumed with laughter thinking back to the whole ordeal. I kill myself sometimes. After the game, the teams split into pairs where they created chicken dishes using the ingredients that they won earlier. Of course, Carrie completely ruined one of her team’s dishes by serving it raw, just in time for my special guest judges, writers from People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly. The raw fried chicken was, of course, disgusting, which gave the Red Team an immediate disadvantage, though they were able to catch up quickly and tie it up. Miraculously, the Red Team pulled it out and off the back of the win, got to fly the coop and take in some Go-cart racing. The Blue Team did not fare as well as they prepped the kitchen for the night’s service.

Which brings me to the service. Good God, the bloody dinner service. Really though, it started during prep when Elise started running her mouth to one of my sous chefs. On top of that, each team had VIP guest Olympic athletes to serve for some added pressure. Of course, it didn’t take long for them to start unraveling and it didn’t take long after that for Monterray to start giving my other sous chef a ration of shit as well. In front of these Olympians, bastions of good sportsmanship, the blue team puts more energy into fighting than cooking which perfectly set the stage for Chino to completely ruin a Wellington by serving it raw. RAW! Not once, not twice, but THRICE. I couldn’t take it and finally told the blue team to fuck off upstairs. Red Team was not much better. It’s like we were in the middle of a volleyball match and I was the ball. And that’s all she wrote. I shut the Red kitchen down quickly after. It was absolutely pathetic. Nobody won and the best news I could dig out of the whole mess was that one of these meatheads would be going home.

When the teams returned for elimination, it was pretty clear who’s necks were to stick out: from Blue, Chino and Monterray; from Red, Carrie and Elise. The four stepped up and started to grovel in the hopes that it would be enough to continue their stay in the kitchen. But who to pick? Monterray totally shut down. Chino kept serving raw meat. Carrie is no stranger to constantly screwing the pooch. Elise is the biggest blowhard I’ve seen during my time with the show and guess what? The entire Red team wanted me to kick Elise to the curb. But I decided instead to send Chino home, because he simply could not cook.

I’m quite literally at a loss. Between the constant fighting and lack of skill, I’d be shocked if most of these “cooks” could competently make a frozen pizza. In fact, maybe that’s what the next challenge should be. I challenge them to stop acting like fucking mental patients and find the wherewithal to stare at an oven for twenty minutes. Or how about pouring kibble into a dog dish for my kids’ pet? There’s got to be something they can do other than under-cook my fucking Beef Wellington. I suppose only time will tell. I can only hope they improve because if they don’t, this may very well be the last Hell’s Kitchen ever.

Season 9, Episode 4: “14 Chefs Compete” (originally aired July 26, 2011)

Witness the culinary incompetence on Hell’s Kitchen, Monday and Tuesdays at 8/7c on FOX.

For another take on this episode, check out “Sears of a Clown” by Desiree Neall.

Images courtesy of FOX/IMDbPro

Next up: Ryan Seacrest (your host, in case you were confused) introduced the judges, and out they came: Randy “I have a giant M on my dumb sweater for no reason” Jackson, Jennifer “I’m so beautiful it’s baffling” Lopez, and Steven “I look like a cross between Beetlejuice and a Cabbage Patch Kid” Tyler. After the judges took their seats, the voiceover dude introduced Ryan Seacrest (your host), and then something truly wonderful happened. HE CAME DOWN THE STAIRS!!! Yes folks … the stairs were back once again, which means that once again, I can pray each week for him to trip and fall down them, revealing the true face beneath that orange-bottle tanned skin.

For their first week performing as Top 13, contestants were told to choose a song by someone who is “their Idol - get it?” – and then worked on their songs with Chairman of Interscope Jimmy Irvine and company. Apparently we are supposed to know who the hell that is, and that news is meant to be exciting and thrilling in some way. OH BOY!!! JIMMY!!! Woo-hoo!!! In any case, let us not stall any longer. Here are your performances:

1. Lauren Alaina:

Lauren’s idol was Shania Twain, and so she chose her hit “Any Man of Mine” to sing for the audience. Considering that I cannot stomache anything by Shania, I will say that I enjoyed this performance as much as I possibly could have enjoyed it. Not a Twain fan, but I AM a Lauren fan. I did agree with Steven Tyler’s assessment, however, that he wished it were “just a little more kick-ass.” Perfectly said.

2. Casey Abrams:

Okay, first of all, what the hell is wrong with this kid? Why is he constantly being carted off to the hospital? This week was the second time (he wasn’t there during the results show) and we are just getting started. Don’t do this to me Casey. You’re my pick to go all the way in this thing. You can’t WIN if you’re sitting in an ER somewhere. This is a bit troublesome, especially since they are being so vague about what his health issues are. As for his performance, Casey did a wonderfully kick-ass version of Joe Cocker’s “A Little Help From My Friends.” The fact that he said he fell in love with the song after hearing it on The Wonder Years just made me fall in love with him even more. He also said about Cocker: “When he sings, you don’t hear him – you FEEL him. That’s what I want. I want to be felt.” Well, I felt you Casey. Absolutely loved this performance. This kid makes me smile each time he sings.

3. Ashthon Jones:

Last week, the judges compared Ashthon to the great Diane Ross. So this week, she of course chose to sing Diana Ross; but she picked a song nobody on earth has ever heard before, “When You Tell Me that You Love Me.” Diana hair? Check. Diana attitude? Check. Diana dress? Check. Diana vocals and pitch? No. Stop right there. It wasn’t a terrible performance, but it just seemed off. I would say that maybe I agreed or disagreed with Randy Jackson’s opinion, IF I understood what in the hell he was talking about. Randy: “Dude, you had some sharp notes, some flat, nice vibrato in there, it had some of this and that and didn’t quite hit the mark for me – I liked it!” WHAT???

4. Guy Smiley (Paul McDonald):

Paul chose “Come Pick Me Up” by Ryan Adams, another song nobody on earth has ever heard before. He also wore a bizare St. Pepper-like jacket, and moved around as if he would topple over and land in the audience somewhere. The funny thing is, I don’t think he is on any chemicals of any kind. I just think he is a bit nuts. Paul is so out there and unique that I can’t help but sort of like him. His voice has such an interesting quality to it. I would, however, like to shave all that hair off of his neck. It drives me absolutely batty. After his weird performance, Seacrest joined him in what he called “the Paul McDonald dance” – and they looked like two ragdolls or puppets being dragged across the stage. It was pretty amusing.

5. Pia Toscano:

Singing Celine Dion’s “All By Myself”, Pia delivered another gorgeous performance. All the notes were there, she sounds fantastic, her tone is lovely … I still feel as if I want her to get a little more “dirty” and chaotic in her performances, not so controlled all the time. I would like for it to be a little more messy. Technically, she is excellent. But when she sings, I don’t “feel” her like I do with Casey or James or Jacob. The other thing I do not love about this girl is all the playing to the camera. Enough with the Marilyn Monroe smooches into the camera already. That is incredibly annoying. Very talented girl; but something about her just bothers me. Randy “I make no sense” Jackson said: “I’m like dude! yo! Very hot! Cool! Dope performance!” Yeah. Okay Randy. Whatever you say.

6. James Durbin:

Best performance of the night, in my opinion, by far. Singing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, this performance had everything: soul, vocal control, softness, edge, and a beautiful sound. It was the perfect song to showcase all that variety in his voice that we haven’t seen yet. All of that melodic goodness, and the falsetto. A gorgeous performance.

7. Haley Reinhart:

Sang “Blue” by Leann Rimes. It made me nervous. I kept feeling like at any moment, she would fall out of tune or it would go horribly wrong. Everytime she sings, I am always in a panic that she will somehow screw it up very badly. I don’t even know why. I just never find myself feeling relaxed during her performances. I think I need to borrow some of Ashley Sullivan’s Xanax just to watch Haley sing.

8. Jacob Lusk:

Why, Jacob, why? Why did you have to not only choose an R. Kelly song; (“I Believe I Can Fly”) but also say that you “look up to him.” I am sorry, but the only thing I think about when someone mentions R. Kelly is how he peed on pre-teens and recorded it in some sick sex video and paid for this behavior by having more people buy his music. Sorry. I just can’t support this douche, and I loathe any song by him. He PEED on people! Ewww! Jacob said he was 9yrs. old when he first heard the song. Great. The perfect age for R. Kelly to take advantage of you and pee on you. That all being said, Jacob is still incredible and insanely gifted. I just did NOT like the song choice this week, nor did I like his boring grey suit. Jacob just makes more sense in dramatic, colorful, striped scarves.

9. Thia Megia:

Ugh. Thia “the most interesting thing about me is that my name rhymes” Megia chose “Smile” by Michael Jackson. More like “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……” For someone who is telling me to smile, her somber and depressing melody made me want to end my life. Yikes! This is another example where the judges told her last week (well, Randy did) that she sounds like Michael Jackson. Ummm, okay. Yes, Thia sounds like Michael Jackson – if Michael Jackson had a sinus infection and was also singing while stuck inside of a bottle. I don’t really have much else to say, except that I am not really “getting” this whole Thia Megia thing. I am not onboard. Let me off the train. As for the judges, horny Steven Tyler said: “You are so new and young!” Calm down there, Steven. Just relax yourself.

10. Stefano Langone:

Shock of all shocks – Stefano sang some Stevie Wonder – again. This kid is actually very good. He has a great tone to his voice, and a very nice range. However, he is also forgettable. He just doesn’t make a lasting impression, and I probably wouldn’t rush to pick up the phone and vote for him.

11. Karen Rodriguez:

She still reminds me of a local news anchor. Or a cheesy game-show host on one of those Spanish shows. Everything about Karen is just super cheesy. She has that “pageant” vibe to her. The Selena song that she chose wasn’t at all in her sweet-spot vocal range. It sounded very tinny and low. I almost felt like I was watching a sound-check. Talented girl. Bad song choice. She seems so damn sweet, I hate to say anything negative about her. I feel like she might start crying and then I will feel bad.

12. Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McCreery:

Yeeee-haww!!!! Let’s all have some whiskey and sing about our cheatin’ wives and our pick-up trucks, cuz Scotty’s doin’ up some country, Garth Brooks style! “The River” – to be exact. A Garth Brooks classic. I found it to be an average, kareoke-type version of a country song that Scotty sang in his usual low-voiced, sing out of one side of my mouth style, but clearly America disagrees, as they clapped and screamed and went mental for McDreary as if he had just found the cure for cancer. This kid could stand up there and fart into the microphone, and people would go: “Ohhhh listen to that fart! It’s a LOW-voiced fart! I love him!” (By the way, when McDreary does fart, he probably does it out of one side of his ass.) I predict he received 47 billion votes.

13. Naima Adedapo:

This was “pitchy” at the start; with some awesome raggae and rap in the middle, and by the end, I was in love. Rhianna’s song “Umbrella” was a great choice for Naima, and her performance was fresh and fun. It felt like I was watching a music video. Lopez was correct though, in saying that her breath control and holding of notes needs some work.

Results Show:

Here is the basic run-down: Casey Abrams was in the hospital again with some mystery illness. The Top 13, minus one, did their usual Brady Bunch style garden variety-show version of Michael Jackson’s “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” to open the show. We were treated to a boring-ass segment/endorsement for the film Little Red Riding Hood, as well as a behind the scenes look at what goes in inside the Idol mansion. (here’s a clue: nothing.) Those wacky kids did yet another Ford music video for us. (Enough with the Ford music videos already. I can’t take it. They are so lame and embarassingly cheesy.) Adam Lambert returned to perform an acoustic-rendition of his song “Aftermath” – which reminded me why I loved him so much and wanted him to win the whole dang thing. Diddy did something that I cannot or choose not to recall at this time, because I don’t believe in taking part in any further enhancing of that man’s ego.

And, yes, someone went home. That someone was Diana Ross. Oh, I’m sorry. I mean Ashthon Jones. After the judges let her anti-climactically “sing for her life” (there is no way in hell they were going to use their ONE save in the very first show, so the singing was more of a show than anything), she was given the boot to the soundtrack of both her own and Jennifer Lopez’s tears. I think a lot of people were turned off by Ashthon’s seemingly arrogant style and her inconsistant vocals. Personally, I would have sent home Thia Bore-gia, but I fell into a deep sleep during her song and woke up 47 years later, when none of this mattered anymore.

Seacrest kept up his overdramatic and rude antics with the contestants while informing them who gets to go and who gets to stay. I am all for creating drama, but Seacrest does this every year; faking out the contestants and practically throwing them into full on anxiety attacks with his twisted, evil powers. “Can I have Stefano Langone, Jacob Lusk, and Karen Rodriguez please?” And then … after MUCH dramatic pause and about 37 commercials … “You are ALL safe! (evil pause) EXCEPT for you Karen!” Really? Seriously, Seacrest? What an ass! Certainly Ashley Sullivan would have never survived this kind of sick torture. Get a hold of yourself Ryan. You are reading voting results for a TV Show. There’s no reason to be such a condescending douche about it.

Stay tuned next week for more Idol mayhem. Until then, sound off here!

Need more Idol? Read “A Diva’s Final Encore” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 16-17: Finalists Compete & One Voted Off (originally aired March 9-10)

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