Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) – I love the progression of her character from the first episodes of Seinfeld to the last. The downward spiral that takes her from almost normal to completely wrecked. She’s funny with the perfect amount of smartass sprinkled in. Many times, her storylines or offhand remarks made the episode for me. Two favorites: the one where a guy tells her she has a big head, and when she pushes Kramer off the porch to steal his babysitting job.

Lucy Ricardo (Lucille Ball) – Physical comedy at its best. It’s not highbrow, it’s not particularly deep or meaningful, but that lady can make you laugh. I also admire her for taking a role that pigeonholed women and bringing an independent minded wife out of the part. Two favorites: her and Ethel working at the chocolate factory and Lucy getting drunk filming the television commercial.

Felicity (Keri Russell) – I’m probably showing my age sticking her in this category. For one thing, Keri Russell is a fabulous and underrated actress. Waitress is also a favorite movie. Felicity was so complex, so thoughtful, and always over-thinking every situation. We were the same “age” and I watched her go through similar college experiences. Alas, minus the Scott Speedman – Scott Foley love triangle. She was a character we watched grow up, and the writers kept her real. It was bumpy, and it wasn’t always pretty, but when she got to the other side, Felicity learned from her failures. If you haven’t watched this show, I recommend the DVD set. Two favorites: when Felicity sleeps with an art student, and the finale. The finale bears a poignant (and typical for JJ Abrams) message. Even if you could go back and make different choices, your life still ends up where it’s meant to be.

Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) – The guy every high school girl wanted to date and every boy wanted to be. Popular, mouthy, handsome, and smart as a whip, we watched Zack learn his lesson and take his knocks at Bayside High. Despite his girl crazy, anti-school talk, Zack was nothing but a teddy bear underneath. Television programming for kids is missing characters like these. Maybe because they aren’t believable, or kids like him no longer exist. I don’t want to believe that. Zack always did the right thing, in the end. He turned out to be a good role model, after all. Two favorites: When he and Kelly break up, and any of the summer, beach club episodes featuring Leah Remini (from King of Queens fame).

Rob Petrie (Dick Van Dyke) – Classic blend of physical and situational comedy, no one did either of those things better than Dick Van Dyke. The situations Rob gets into, both at home and at the office, make me laugh out loud forty years later. He held down a successful job, was a great father, and made everyone laugh. What more can we ask for from a television character? Two favorites: Rob punching the neighbor and Rob going to jail.

Monk (Tony Shalhoub) – So many times the best characters are the unexpected ones. Currently, both Castle and Jane (from The Mentalist) also fall into this category. Monk should not have been a likable guy. He’s weird, he rubs everyone the wrong way, and it takes him twice as long as it should to complete a simple task. We do like him, though. His idiosyncrasies charm instead of annoy, overshadowed by his charm, detective work, and tragic past. Monk reminds us not to judge a book by its cover. Two favorites: Monk gets amnesia, and when he goes undercover in the cult.

Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry) – I think I added Chandler for two reasons. First, because someone from Friends had to make the list. Second, I realized Chandler was always my favorite. Chandler dealt laughs in every episode, but remained a sympathetic character throughout the series. He had one of the more volatile upbringings (remember cross-dressing dad), yet remained a lovable, self-effacing friend. I rooted for him in his love affair with Monica. He turned out to be quite a catch, for a nerdy guy. Two favorites: Trying to avoid touching Phoebe’s boob and keep his and Monica’s secret, and the Halloween party when he dresses as the pink “velveteen” rabbit.

Eric Cartman (Trey Parker) – He’s irreverent, an awful friend, and a little punk but I love him. I love Eric Cartman. He’s also not afraid to be himself, even when others make fun of him. Of course, in real life his commentary would get his butt kicked every other day. Also, so often he has the guts to say out loud what I only think. Hilarious. You can be offended by him, but it’s so much more fun to just laugh. Two favorites: Cartman gives Stan AIDS, and Cartman leading the fight to run the hippies out of town.

Spike (James Marsters) – I know. When there is oh-so-much to love about Buffy and Angel, why Spike? First, Spike is funny and not so constantly self-involved like Buffy and Angel. Second, his core personality changes little throughout both series. And he’s a hot vamp, who are we kidding? Spike plays the character you love to hate, an essential element of the successful television drama. Two favorites: Spike forcing Willow to conjure a love potion to make Drusilla fall in love with him again, and him trying to commit suicide after the implantation of a chip renders him ‘impotent’ (unable to bite humans).

Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) – Rarely is such a complete vision for a character realized on the television screen. From the way he opens a door, to his facial expressions, to the words that come out of his mouth, Kramer is a study in consistency. Not to mention he’s hilarious, moves plots with little trouble, and makes the kooky and out there an every day occurrence. Life is easy to understand for him, black and white. It’s nice to watch a character who doesn’t over analyze every bit of life. Sometimes. A whole show centered around Kramer would never have worked. As the goofy neighbor, though, he is brilliant. Two favorites: Kramer rescuing a pinky toe, beating up a mugger, and commandeering a bus, and when he kisses Jerry on the mouth.

Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) – Like Monk, Sheldon is a complete original. He should be a turn-off: a socially inept know it all refuses to make any concessions in the way he lives his life. Instead, since his friends are merely bemused and take it all in stride, so does the audience. If you aren’t watching this show, you are missing out on a lot of quality laughs. His interactions with the ‘dumb’ blonde neighbor are especially hilarious. Two favorites: Sheldon going to the grocery store with Penny to be a ‘normal’ person, and Sheldon helping Penny when she hurts herself in the bathtub.

Agree? Disagree? Have I missed a glaringly obvious AMAZING television character? Let me know…

For television reviews, click here.

Photographs courtesy of CBS, The WB, 20th Century Fox, and IMDbPro.

With the Twilight saga and the tomes of Harry Potter, it seems like these days Hollywood’s gamble on turning tween novels into movies has paid off.   In fact, it is starting to hardly seem like a gamble at all with bastardized versions of Twilight like Vampire Diaries helping to resurrect the likes of the CW. (For the record, Vampire Diaries was written before Twilight.)  Well folks, I think I have found it . . .  the Next Big Thing – Hunger Games and its sequel, Catching Fire. Now, I’m far from the first person to uncover the magic of these little gems, but I want to go on record with this prophecy. Mark my words, Muggles – in the years to come, this series will become a household name, its story and characters infused into every pore of society, its title on the tip of every tongue. Here is a quick synopsis to get you up to speed and put you ahead of the game.  Hollywood . . . pay attention!!

Hunger Games was written by Suzanne Collins, who unlike British ex-welfare mom J.K. Rowling, is an American writer who is best known for her popular shows on Nickelodeon: Clarissa Explains It All, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, and Little Bear.   The series takes place in a post-apocalyptic world called Panem, reminiscent of what we know as America but differing in important ways. There is an all powerful Capitol surrounded by thirteen districts. Years before, the districts rebelled in an attempt to gain their independence.  However, their attempt failed and the ruthless leaders destroyed the district that spearheaded the mutiny and

*Hunger Games Scene by damnskippy (deviantart.com)

established the annual Hunger Games to remind their subjects of their unwavering and indisputable power over their lives. Every year, a boy and a girl from each district between the ages of 12 and 17 are chosen at random to participate in the Hunger Games. What are these games, you ask? Well, the stakes are higher than vampire baseball or a sissy game of Quidditch. The participants in the Hunger Games fight to the death in an arena specially designed to maximize the entertainment value for the viewers and sponsors in the Capitol. At the end, only one contestant emerges alive and the Capitol heaps accolades, money, and food upon their home district.

At the epicenter of the story is 16 year old Katniss Everdeen, a girl who has worked to keep her family alive since the death of her father in the coal mines. She is from District Twelve, the poorest of them all, and is underfed, under clothed, and generally under cared for. Her best friend Gale taught her to hunt, fish, gather, and helped Katniss feed her depressed mother and delicate younger sister Prim. She believes she owes him their lives, and she probably does. When Prim, only twelve, gets pulled for the Hunger Games, Katniss volunteers to take her place. The boy drawn from her district is Peeta, a strong guy who Katniss has known for years and always respected. Together they embark on their journey to the Capitol and the entrance to the Games that will cost at least one, and likely both of them their lives.

I threw the word Twilight out in the opening paragraph so that I could catch your attention, but actually beyond the love triangle subplot these books have little in common with the wildly popular vampire romance novels. A fact that probably bodes well for this franchise, as it has the ability to appeal to both sexes despite its female protagonist. The books are more comparable to the later Harry Potter books, maybe volumes four through seven. The themes, events, and world altering decisions make it more appealing to the Harry Potter crowd as opposed to Twilight. Like Harry, Katniss is a normal girl, perhaps even a bit below average, who is thrust into the limelight. She is handed an extraordinary task, and her survival and ultimate triumph will have consequences far beyond her life, immediate family, or district.

Hunger Games stands on its own and separates itself from the crowd of other Young Adult novels with little effort.  Although there is a blossoming love story, it is by no means the central plot. Katniss Everdeen is a heroine worthy of emulation, a relief for parents who are concerned about their daughters wanting to be like Bella Swan (Twilight). I mean, I enjoyed those novels as much as the next girl, but if I have a daughter I hope to instill in her the values of self reliance and independence. Katniss is strong, she’s more concerned about taking care of others than herself, and her personal relationship with both suitors takes a back seat to the larger issue: the oppression of the districts by the Capitol. The story is one of being willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good, of being willing to stand up for what you believe in, no matter what the cost. (Reminds me of the line in Dirty Dancing, when Patrick Swayze says Baby has taught him that “there are people willing to stand up for other people, no matter what it costs them.”) Also, unlike Harry Potter, this world is recognizable. It may be set in the future, but remains similar enough to our present that kids won’t have the excuse of getting lost in the made up terms or not understanding the world Katniss lives in. The themes, also, are relatable, dealing largely with discrimination, oppression, and terrorism. If you’re looking for a story that provides ample discussion opportunity for you and your kids, you will be up to your knees in Hunger Games.

So how can I predict the Next Big Thing? Isn’t all about lightning in a bottle, catching the right story at the right time, throwing money at it, casting it perfectly, and getting decent directors involved? That’s a big part of it, no doubt. Although I think Twilight has taught us that sometimes it really is all about the story and pretty faces. Hunger Games has been green lit for a film, estimated release 2011. By that time, the Twilight films will be complete, and Harry Potter will be releasing its last installment. This spring (2010) the first Percy Jackson film, The Lightning Thief, is set to be released. It should do decently, based on the popularity of the books, but I don’t think its going to blow up into a sure thing at the box office. Hunger Games has relatable characters, much more than Twilight and measuring up to the main three on Harry Potter. The characters in Twilight are so hard to relate to, with the exception of Bella (I guess) because of their other-worldliness. To a certain extent, so are Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They face challenges and have access to talents so far from our own that some readers, especially younger ones, might miss the moral impact of their decisions.

Katniss is an every day girl, struggling to help her family and do the right thing. Peeta, the other child playing the games with her, comes from a more middle class background but has always been shunned by his parents for not being more successful and for caring too much. Gale is the best friend, the protector, the all around nice guy with no skeletons in his closet. He’s also willing to stand up and fight with Katniss. They are both willing to die for her, and the cause she represents. With the right casting, this love triangle – with so much more at stake than one life – could blow the lid off Robert Pattinson-Kristen Stewart-Taylor Lautner.

Casting, marketing, and attaching the right behind the scenes folks will of course play a big role in the franchise’s ultimate success. All I can do now is hope that the studio realizes what potential they have sitting in their hot little hands and does right by these books. The memory of Twilight causes nightmares. The studio must not have realized what a loyal following these books had going into the original film, though they rectified their error somewhat with New Moon. The special effects, directing, and even acting improved from the first to the second, but some aspects (like the cast) are too firmly established to be altered at this juncture. It just makes me sick to watch the movies and know how much better they could have been with the production values assigned to, say, the Harry Potter films. The first two Hunger Games books have been firmly entrenched on the best seller list, and expect the third installment (released August 2010) to break some records as well. Not only are the storylines fresh and the characters engaging, but the life lessons embedded beneath the surface are well worth learning. Presented in this entertaining package, they will hopefully remain with readers (and moviegoers) for long after they put the story down or leave the theatre.

So, for the record, I think Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and the last installment could rival Harry Potter in both sales and at the box office if the studio takes it on with the right mindset. If they spend the money on special effects, hire an experienced director, and cast actors who not only look the part but who show promise and ability. For now, me and the other thousands of readers keeping it on the best seller list will just have to hope. And bite our fingernails waiting for August and the last piece of the story. For those of you who haven’t read it, or are looking for another book to engage your young reader – you’re welcome. I promise you won’t regret the purchase when you see your child (girl or boy) so engrossed in a novel they can’t put it down. Or when you are up reading it until the wee hours yourself.

Editor’s Note: The Movie Hunger Games has recently been green lighted and in production with anticipated release 2011 by Lionsgate.  This article was written before the status was known by the author.

*Art/Photo: Hunger Games Scene by damnskippy at deviantart.com

John Travolta can be just as charismatic as Liam Neeson, but he has played variations of his role in From Paris With Love many times and in much better movies. He basically played the exact same part in Swordfish, except in  Swordfish Travolta was viewed as the bad guy while this one views him as the good guy. But like I said, Travolta is always fun to watch because he brings such energy and charisma to everything he does. So I don’t necessarily mind seeing him play a similar character as long as it’s fun. The problem is that From Paris With Love is just so incredibly preposterous and incoherent.

The film doesn’t just go over the top; it skyrockets over it. Even the characters in the movie don’t seem to know what the movie is about. That’s a problem in my book. I’m thinking Morel was trying to make a ridiculously crazy movie that worked as an action movie and a parody, but it doesn’t do either of those things well. Hot Fuzz was the perfect action movie parody. From now on, action filmmakers need to focus on scaling back the ridiculousness and trying to make a believable story. From Paris With Love doesn’t do that. It just feels like a big LSD mash-up of elements culled from everywhere under the sun. Look at the trailer. Just in the trailer alone, virtually every action movie cliché in the book occurs. Travolta is the last line of defense but also the best! He doesn’t play by the rules! He’s a maverick! Jonathan Rhys-Meyers does everything by the book! If these two guys can learn to stand each other, the criminals don’t stand a chance! Yikes. Yikes yikes yikes.

Travolta—ill-advisedly stealing Mr. Clean’s look—plays Charlie Wax, an American spy with a zany love of guns who goes around trying to sound cool and hip and devil-may-care and spouts inane, forced catchphrases like “Wax on, wax off.” Get it?! It’s a Karate Kid reference, and it’s his last name! Ha! Woo! Rhys-Meyers—who must have agreed to be in this movie so he could buy a boat or a condo—plays James Reese. Reese was educated in Cambridge, plays chess and works as an aide to the U.S. ambassador in Paris. He’s a low-level operative that wants to be a big cool agent. Basically, he’s a mild-mannered, lily-livered nimrod who gets paired up with Wax. How and why aren’t important.

These two guys go all over town, Rhys-Meyers the green straight man to Travolta’s wacky veteran agent. What are they doing? Something about taking down a Chinese drug ring. Or wait, I mean stopping terrorists. Or wait, I mean…I don’t know. And guess what? Neither does the screenplay.

The bad guys are all nondescript cartoons with no real discernible agenda. That’s an automatic downfall for any action movie. The villain has to be as interesting, complex and layered as the hero. That’s why actioners like Die Hard and In The Line of Fire are so powerful and are in rarefied air. But Travolta should know this better than anyone. He made Face/Off, which I consider to be the greatest non-franchise action movie ever made. The match-up between hero and villain was dynamite in that movie because the conflict was so personal between them and they were both three-dimensional characters. Definitely not the case in From Paris With Love. Even the title is stupid and derivative.

This is the buddy action movie nobody asked for. I don’t know why that subgenre is so hard for filmmakers to get right. It seems like it should be an easy setup. But except for Lethal Weapon, 48 Hrs., Beverly Hills Cop, Midnight Run and a few others, it never works. Travolta and Rhys-Meyers have virtually no chemistry and the script doesn’t do them any favors. As for the action? Sure, we’ve got Travolta blowing up cars with rocket launchers and rappelling through glass windows and taking on five guys at once. The problem is once again the hyper-stylized, MTV-drenched rapid editing that gives you no sense of the weight of the action or the geography and the fact that you can always spot Travolta’s stunt double, something I complained about last week with Edge of Darkness. If you can’t do the stunts anymore, you shouldn’t be making this kind of a movie.

If you want to see John Travolta do awesome action and tear up the screen with bravado, watch Broken Arrow. Or watch any number of his much better movies like Face/Off, Primary Colors, A Civil Action, Phenomenon, The General’s Daughter, Get Shorty, Pulp Fiction or even last summer’s The Taking of Pelham 123. Just don’t go see this thing. I’m sure he’ll redeem himself with Wild Hogs 2. If that movie is half as good as the original—which was an undeniable cinematic triumph—we’ll all be in for a real treat.

Some doctors like Shepherd and Karev are generally cool under pressure.  Others are prone to panic, like Cristina.  You can add Bailey to the group who usually has everything under control, but even the grizzled vet can be rattled under the right circumstances.  While she is performing a routine surgery with Meredith’s assistance, the patient’s heart rate begins to dangerously accelerate.  The procedure was going well and the surgeons can’t figure out what’s wrong until Meredith notices that the patient regained consciousness.  Other than dying on the table, this has got to be the worst thing that could happen during surgery.  Eventually they close the patient up and hope she doesn’t remember what happened.  No such luck.  Not only does she recall every traumatic detail, she doesn’t want Bailey to touch her.  She remembers Bailey panicking and was terrified by her uncertainty.  Normally Bailey has a steady hand and a sure rapport with patients, but for once her presence is of no comfort.  She seems wounded by the realization that she can’t fix the situation, but is resigned to the patient’s wishes.  The woman requests that Meredith perform the follow-up procedure and flinches if Bailey so much as touches her.  Meredith is less experienced than Bailey but is capable of handling the surgery, which is ultimately successful.

Bailey isn’t the only one in unfamiliar territory.  Derek has been named interim Chief and is feeling his way while the Chief mulls his legacy at Seattle Grace.  He can either leave the hospital and the practice of medicine all-together by retiring or he can enter rehab and return to his job after his recovery.  While the hospital staff watches, Webber and Shepherd heatedly argue about his future and Derek’s loyalty.  Derek admits he wanted the Chief’s job but encourages him to take responsibility for the role his drinking has played in the whole situation.  While some struggle with new workplace dynamics, Alex shines in his pediatric rotation with Arizona.  He needs to work on his parental interaction, but overall he’s a rockstar.

Finally, we turn to Cristina and Little Grey, who are both madly in love with complicated characters.  I’d been slamming Mark for his hypocrisy about Lexie sleeping with Alex, but I understand now that he feels like Lexie abandoned him for doing the right thing by his child, which was a huge step for him.  Meanwhile Owen has been sexing Cristina into submission and completely avoiding Teddy.  He goes a step further by intentionally delaying her from responding to Teddy’s page while they are being intimate.  When she finally responds to the page it is too late; the complicated procedure has already been performed and she has missed a learning opportunity.  Realizing that she let Owen interfere with her professional advancement, Cristina shuts down.  Frustrated, he demands that she open up and questions her about Burke.  She tells Owen she loves him more than she loved Burke but that he took pieces of her that she couldn’t get back for a long time.  When she skipped Teddy’s surgery because of Owen it was like he was doing the same thing, and she will not surrender certain parts of herself again.

This was another great episode that advanced critical storylines in a positive direction.  I was also floored by the acting in the final scene with Owen and Cristina.  Sandra Oh was amazing in this episode.  Her performance conveyed vulnerability and sincerity.  Her character was supposed to cry, but instead of just breaking down she allowed the emotion to gain intensity slowly and naturally.  The tears gathered slowly and welled in her eyes for several moments before streaming down her face.  It was amazing, and this season is as promising as any before.

For more on this episode, check out Hail to the New Chief by Allison Toner.

Season 6, Episodes 13: State of Love and Trust (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more Grey’s Anatomy, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Larkey.

Meredith and Bailey are in an abdominal surgery when all of a sudden the patient wakes up! Scary! Miranda starts screaming at the anesthesiologist, Ben, because she thinks he made a mistake while Meredith tries to calm the patient. Afterwards, Leslie, the patient, remembers everything, is severely traumatized and won’t let Bailey touch her. However because she needs a second operation, Leslie explains that Meredith can perform the surgery because she stayed calm. Meredith is nervous about the solo surgery but is reassured by Bailey who claims Richard is a great judge of talent and the last time Richard mentored someone it was her! The surgery goes smoothly.

Day one for Derek as the new surgical chief and it isn’t an easy one. First, a possible lawsuit because Bailey’s patient wakes up in the middle of surgery. Next, he has a meeting with Richard and presents him with two options: quit or go to rehab and his job will be waiting for him when he’s better (which Derek recommends). Richard says he needs time to think and later that day they have a big blow up. Bailey finally gets through to Richard when she says, “You go get better, you be the chief.” Richard officially takes the rehab option. Derek also decides that he is “neither pro or anti merger. From this point on, everyone has a clean slate.” He even hires some people back, including April.

Alex is placed on Arizona’s rounds in peds. Their patient is a boy named Brad, who has abdominal pain, although his father thinks he is faking. Arizona explains to Alex that in peds you must advocate for the patient because they can’t do it for themselves. Alex is a quick learner and successfully advocates for an exploratory surgery for Brad. However, Brad becomes unstable during surgery and afterwards his aorta ruptures—Alex acts quickly and Teddy performs cardio surgery, which saves Brad’s life. Afterwards, Alex yells at Brad’s parents. Arizona compliments him on his superb natural ability in peds but reminds him, he must only advocate and not judge or berate parents.

An angry Mark ignores Lexie throughout the episode. Lexie asks Callie to talk to him and unfortunately Callie lets it slip that Mark slept with Addison multiple times. Callie talks to Mark and calls him “hypocritical, sexist and immature” and Derek even tells him to forgive Lexie but he refuses. At the end of the episode, Lexie and Mark get stuck on the elevator together and Lexie rushes off crying. The next we see Mark, he is upset and laying in bed with Callie and Arizona.

Mark was not the only guy avoiding someone this week. Owen avoids Teddy and Teddy refuses to put Cristina on her service. On the other hand, Owen and Cristina are inseparable and having as much sex as possible—but when Teddy pages Cristina for help during Alex’s patient’s emergency surgery, Owen convinces her to stay with him. Teddy reprimands Cristina who is then furious with Owen. Back at Cristina’s apartment, Owen confronts her saying that she doesn’t share enough with him and “why won’t she let him love her?” Cristina gets very emotional and says he was “trying to screw me into submission.” She explains that she lost herself when she was with Burke and is scared because she loves him more than Burke. She finally tells him “when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me and I let you and that will never happen again.”

I loved the interaction, dare I say flirting, between Ben and Miranda! Can’t wait to see how/if their relationship develops throughout the rest of the season. Last week, I was annoyed by how Mark treated Lexie and my annoyance continues! He is just being stubborn. I agree with Callie, Mark is acting “hypocritical and immature.” Hope they eventually work it out. I was also surprised to see how much emotion Cristina showed when she was talking to Owen about their relationship. Finally, I am especially curious to see if Derek’s “clean slate” will convince Izzie to return.

Next week: It’s Valentine’s Day! A roof collapses on a popular restaurant. Arizona and Callie play matchmaker with Bailey and Ben. Little Sloan is back and Derek is still adjusting to being Chief.

For more on this episode, check out Tanya Lane’s review here.

Season 6, Episodes 13: State of Love and Trust (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more Grey’s Anatomy, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Adam Larkey.

Click Here To Launch The Joning

Click Here To Launch The Joning

We begin with Heidi’s weekly teasing that usually leads to a not-what-we-were-hoping-for result. She tells the designers they’ll be creating a “look for a fashion week gala.” Sounds promising, no? Well, not so much. Tim and Laura Walker, the VP of Innovation for Campbell’s Soup, explain the heart-wrenching (see? puns.) reality – designers are to create a signature dress for the Campbell’s “Address Your Heart” program. With specific guidelines of red being the prominent color and utilizing the Campbell’s Soup logo, it sounds mm mm good.

The designers are given a budget of $100 and a day to work, and instead of their usual skinny models, they get to work with real women who have curves. The basis of this turn of events was the fact that each of these women were impacted by heart disease. Some of their stories hit home with the designers. Anthony and his model share the hardship of dealing with a mother with heart problems. Jay’s model causes him to break down at her story of dying for two minutes. And she has the nerve to laugh at him! I tell ya…

Seth, who doesn’t seem concerned with the heart of the project (Ok, ok! I’ll stop!) instead is facing the issue of having the biggest model. Poor baby. “I want my mommy,” he cries. But he manages to stay safe with his adorable dress. By the time shopping at Mood is over, the work room is so red it hurts. No big issues this time so we’ll jump right into judging.

Onto the runway! Our Guest Judge is Georgina Chapman, co-founder of Marchesa. Of the thirteen looks, my favorite was Jesse’s. (I swear I’m not biased at all! I mean, is it my fault if the guy is pretty to look at? Of course not…) It was a very cute dress and with the jacket it reminded me of a 50s kind of look. However, the judges disagreed, saying it was costume-y and didn’t stand out enough. Everyone’s a critic!

The top three designers were Amy, Mila, and her mini-me Maya. They seriously spent too much time expanding on how alike these two are. Snore! Amy’s was very attractive and flowy – beautiful, said all of the judges – while Maya’s was cute but a little off. Her idea of a half heart on the dress was creative, but the execution was a little rocky. Along with Nina, I did like the clutch. Mila’s dress, on the other hand, looked more like a superhero dress with all the stars, in my professional opinion. (And by professional, I mean that my fashion sense would probably be considered nonexistent.)

Bottom three designers were Jesse, Jesus, and Anna Marie. Since I covered Jesse above, we’ll move onto Anna Marie. Her dress was a bit too much fabric, resembling a puffy curtain. Nina like the bottom half which…sounded a bit more disturbing than it was. But ultimately it looked like a “bag tied in the middle.” Jesus’ dress was the epitome of a tacky Hollywood dress. The judges went on to say how he had bad taste, but Michael had the quote of the week: “You basically took a checklist of everything that could look tacky and put it into one garment”. Ouch.

The winner of the challenge was Amy, giving her immunity. Jesus, unfortunately, was out. I think he could easily dress a prostitute. There’s hope for you, Jesus!

For another take on this episode, check out Hearts on Design by Keshaunta Moton

Season 7, Episode 4: Design Your Heart Out (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro

We begin this week with mirroring images as Mila and Maya sit side by side doing their hair in the mirror. Maya notices that Mila is like an older version of herself, and I totally agree; with the hair, the black colors, the physical similarities, most definitely. In fact, I am willing to say that Mila is in fact Maya come back from the future because her biggest regret is not winning this season of Project Runway. She’s been haunted by it forever so she’s come back to try to make it right. No, people, I call foul. Time traveling marvel or not, you do not get two chances in Project Runway (unless, of course you’re Chris, but that was a different season). I propose that we kick Mila out and send her back to her non-winning, regret plagued future where she belongs. It’s not happening, Mila. You’re now officially on my list. Ha!

For the design this week, the designers are tasked with making a look for a Fashion Week gala. Lisa Walker of Campbell’s Soup joins Tim in informing the designers of the “Address Your Heart” program, Campbell’s initiative to help fight heart disease. In honor of this program and the effort to fight heart disease, the designers must make a design for real women who have been impacted by heart problems. The winning design will be worn at the Annual Red Dress Awards by the winning model with the designer to accompany. The designers were given two caveats: first, the design must have red as the prominent color, and second, it must feature the Campbell’s branding.

The designers are then given their models randomly. Mila is excited to work with a real woman, while Jesus is glad that his model is thin (because as we all know, innovation and challenge is not something Jesus can withstand). The real women models tell the designers about their various afflictions, one model’s heart stops; another’s top of the heart can’t communicate with the bottom; and a wife and mother of two died for two minutes. A scary thought for anyone, yet alone to live it. Wow. The designers are all awed by these models, Jesus and Anthony cry, and Anthony recalls how scary his mom’s heart surgery was.

In the design stage, all of the designers face their own particular challenges. Jay Nichols wonders how to make his model look taller, Jesse has troubles picking out fabric, Seth Aaron’s model tries to change his dress and Jesus and Emilio annoy me. (Because yes, that is a challenge as I am now rooting for them to leave.)

Tim comes in to give the designers their daily inspiration. He compliments Anna on the detailing of her dress (Campbell’s logo traced on chiffon), tells Jesse his jacket is the only fashionable piece (that hurts), and likes Mila’s dress. Tim tells Mila the fit is a good challenge for the designers as it is something that they will have to deal with in their careers. When he sees Seth Aaron’s dress, Tim is immediately surprised. Seth, in order to accommodate his model, has turned his dress into a Grecian style. Tim notes that this style does not scream Seth Aaron and consuls him to be true to himself. With these words, Seth starts over with half the challenge gone.

It’s the day of the runway and the designers are frantically trying to finish their pieces. Seth is amazed he got the dress right, Jesus says his dress is perfect, though I say it’s tacky with which Janeane agrees. Jonathon’s model says the dress almost makes open heart surgery worth it. It is a nice dress, but I think that’s a figure of speech.

On the runway, Amy’s dress floated well, Ben’s dress ROCKED!!!, while Mila’s looked wrinkled and Jesus’ dress was all of hooker chic, or cheap as it may be. Overall, most of the designs fell into the blah category. The guest judge this week was Georgina Chapman, designer.

The top three designs were Mila, whose dress made the judges smile (as I’m sure she knew exactly as SHE’S FROM THE FUTURE!!!), Amy, whose dress Michael called elegant and modern, and Maya, whose dress Heidi called interesting. The bottom three were Jesse, whose dress Nina called lacking in creativity, Jesus who left Michael speechless with his dress’ tackiness, and Anna whose dress Georgina said did not look like evening wear.

Amy wins, and Jesus gets sent home in another good call.

In his exit interview, Jesus says that he is both shocked that he is going home (apparently he didn’t see his designs) and satisfied that he made his client happy (because, yes she did like being told she looked cheap – that’s sarcasm people, don’t know if it translated). All this just goes to prove that the right person was sent home because apparently he is just too stupid to see his mistakes, or lack of taste, either one. They both fit.

Closing note: Mila, I’ve got my eye on you…

For another take on this episode, check out The Heart of the Matter by Dianna Berrian.

Season 7, Episode 4: Design Your Heart Out (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro

Or, to be more specific, to an alternate version of the 1860s in which no one in Virginia seems to be suffering from any of the ill effects of four years of total warfare, desertion from the Confederacy is a “personal choice” that elicits respect rather than a quick execution, and two lady vampires pose a greater threat to the townspeople of Mystic Falls than years of privation, total economic collapse, and the Union’s scorched-earth military tactics.

In these happier, more innocent times, Stefan and Damon spend their time frolicking about the front yard of their ancestral home and taking turns nailing Katherine, who promises to turn the two into vampires. Unfortunately for the boys, their father, the absurdly-monikered Giuseppe Salvatore (seriously, that’s like being named Gepetto McItaly) is gathering a coalition of concerned townspeople to fight back against the vampire menace.

In the present, Anna, Damon, and Stefan are all looking for Stephen Gilbert’s old journal in the hopes that it will reveal the location of the grimoire (or “witche’s cookbook,” as Damon puts it) that contains the spell to open Katherine’s tomb.  Anna and Stefan both follow Alaric, who has the journal, but Stefan gets to Alaric first. After a few bumbling attempts at self-preservation, Alaric realizes that his homemade stake-gun is no match for Stefan and admits that he’s in town looking for Damon, who killed his wife in a sad, blue flashback. More importantly, her body was never recovered, and he wants answers from Damon.

Elsewhere in town, Bree and Ben’s first date sours after she realizes he’s turned into a vampire. She tries to excuse herself to the bathroom, but even Ben knows better than to believe that, and grabs her.

It’s Family Night at the Gilbert house, so Damon takes the opportunity to hone his cooking and emotional manipulation. He questions Elena closely about the sincerity of Stefan’s promise to help bring back Katherine, hinting that he’ll retaliate if Stefan betrays him. Jeremy lets it slip that he’s mentioned the journal’s existence to Anna, who Damon quickly recognizes as Pearl’s daughter—Pearl being the town apothecary back in 1864. The two of them have a brief, throat-grabby confrontation in which Anna suggests they join forces to open the tomb. Damon prefers to lone-wolf it and turns her down. She’s been getting a lot of that lately. First Jeremy, now this.

Stefan and Elena have already realized that the grimoire must be buried with Giuseppe, and head to the cemetery for some exhuming. A flashback reveals that old Poppa Salvatore knew better than to trust his vampire-loving sons and was slipping them vervain on the sly so that he could capture Katherine if she ever tried to turn them. He catches Katherine in bed with Stefan, temporarily incapacitated by his vervain-laced blood, and forces Stefan to fetch the sheriff to capture her. That is some Magnificent Bastardry right there.

Back in the graveyard, Damon surprises Elena and Stefan after uncovering the grimoire. He and Stefan bitch about their trust issues until Damon breaks the stalemate by force-feeding Elena his own blood, threatening to snap her neck and turn her so “you and I have a vampire girlfriend” unless Stefan hands over the book. This show keeps promising me an undead threesome and it damn well better deliver.

One last flashback reveals Katherine and later Pearl getting hauled away in a set of branks while an angry mob scours the town for any more vampires. Damon’s furious and blames Stefan for telling Giuseppe about Katherine, even though Stefan didn’t so much “tell him” as was “totally and utterly surprised by” him. As betrayals go, that one’s pretty flimsy.

Back at the house, Stefan leaves Elena alone upstairs while he goes to find her some aspirin. Downstairs, he learns that Anna has been invited into the house, and by the time Stefan makes it up the stairs, Elena is gone. And no flashbacks will be able to save her.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Time Trippin’ by Matt DeGroot.

Season 1, Episode 13: Children of the Damned (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Quantrell Colbert.

With enough jumping back and forth in time to rival even The Godfather: Part II, this episode, titled “Children of the Damned” covered an extreme amount of ground and set the stage for what could be an explosive slew of episodes during this February sweeps period. In the modern day setting, Damon (Ian Somerhalder) continues his quest to bring Catherine back from the dead with the help of Stefan (Paul Wesley) and Elena (Nina Dobrev). He naturally doesn’t trust them and its for good reason because they truly don’t want him to bring Catherine back but want to destroy the Grimmerie (a “witch cookbook” that holds the key to bringing her back) instead.

To find the Grimmerie, they must read the fabled Gilbert journal, which is currently in the hands of that mysterious history teacher (Matthew Davis) but somebody else beats them to it. Fortunately (and a little too conveniently), there is a copy that Stefan is able to take, which leads him and Elena to discover that his own father was in possession of the Grimmerie. So off to the graveyard they go with a pair of shovels to dig him up.

In the flashback sequences we learn that the father of Damon and Stefan (played by none other than Samantha’s Richard on Sex and the City) was very gung ho about killing vampires and figured out that his sons were both madly in love with one of them so he tricked poor Stefan into revealing Catherine and had her hauled off to burn at the stake. But Catherine wasn’t the only vampiress residing in Mystic Falls back when the Civil War was in style – there was also Anna (Malese Jow) who has since appeared back in town wanting the Grimmerie as well. We can assume she wants to use it to bring her mother back from the dead but one never can tell for sure with these vamps.

Back in the graveyard, Stefan succeeds in digging up his long-dead father and finds the Grimmerie waiting there for him just as Damon shows up in a very foul mood for not being in on the action. In his rage he threatens to turn Elena into a vampire unless Stefan hands over the book. Stefan complies reluctantly and takes Elena home to safety where she is then kidnapped by Anna mere moments later! We can only assume that Anna will want the book in exchange for Elena’s safety, which will lead to another sibling rivalry since I don’t see Damon turning it over quite so easily. Will next week finally see the big fight between the brothers that we’ve been waiting for??? I won’t hold my breath for that yet, but I think we can agree that when it does happen it will be well worth the wait.

Random plotline of the week: This show has almost too many characters on it and because of that there is almost always one plotline every week that has little to do with the rest of the imminent story. This week that honor goes to the date between Bonnie, the witch (Katerina Graham) and Ben, the new vampire (Sean Faris). The date seemed to go well, but then she figured out he sucks blood so he snatched her up and ran off. That’s about it. I’m assuming this will be continued next week, but does it matter to anything else? Let’s hope so for the show’s sake.

For another opinion on this episode, check out “This ménage a threesome team thing” by Mallory Ellis.

Season 1, Episode 13: Children of the Damned (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Guy D’Alema.

This episode also reminded me that no matter what kind of show (or movie) you’re watching, you never know when Kathy Bates is going to show up.

The core storyline of the episode is that a larger corporation (run by a satisfyingly ridiculous Bates, and endorsed in cheesy promotional videos by Christian Slater, playing himself) has taken over various branches of Dunder Mifflin (including the Scranton branch).  They send a representative to the Scranton Branch to institute new policies of office decorum, which conflict with boss Michael Scott’s (Steve Carell, of course) lackadaisical, perennially slack-tastic habits.

Meanwhile Jim and Pam investigate a day care center, as their child will soon be born, and since they both work, they’ll need one.  But first, they must impress the admissions officer (played by New York stage stalwart Joey Slotnick, who I recognized from Ethan Coen’s one-act plays at the Atlantic Theater Company a couple of years ago).  The whole scenario is as awesomely awkward as any you’d expect from this show.

Also, Andy and Erin each seem to believe that the next “move” towards their potential dating situation lies with the responsibility of the other.

The episode wraps up with Scott’s confused attempts to enlist the advice of an old superior (David Wallace) as to what to do about Sabre’s encroachment on his way of doing things at Dunder Mifflin.  He finds Wallace to be a bit distracted and changed from the way he remembers him.  Absurdity ensues.

The Office, in my estimation, rarely disappoints those who have always had a strong understanding and appreciation of its style and humor, and this episode is no different, so if you’re one of those people, catch it if you missed it.

Season 6, Episode 15: Sabre (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, Chris Haston

Michael shows up to meet Gilroy at a French restaurant but finds a third place setting at the table. It belongs to a baddie named Claude. Gilroy forces Michael to work with Claude on a mission to break into the Chilean consulate and steal some mysterious file. Later on, Michael tells Fiona that his plan is to find a way to decommission Claude without Gilroy catching on. Fiona gets on Michael about helping Sugar. She does that whole passive aggressive thing which presses Michael’s buttons and is totally hilarious coming from a woman who likely sleeps with a bazooka under her pillow. It works, and Michael decides to get involved.

Doug is in trouble courtesy of a fellow named Lynch (sounds like a good bad guy name to me), but neither Sugar nor Michael knows why. So Michael and his team go and do some good old fashioned reconnaissance work at Lynch’s compound. They only have time to plant one bug, and they choose the tv remote. Michael’s magic voiceover narration tells us that the remote is a good choice because it has its own power source, tends to be in the room that the most people are in and is usually in the hands of the most powerful person in the room. Not at my house, but I take his point.

Doug works at a refrigerated flower warehouse and is a little slow. He tells Sam that he always wanted to be in the Army but couldn’t get in. Lynch was a marine and uses this to his advantage. He is planning to rob some fancy international art and needs to use Doug’s flower delivery route and schedule. So Michael has to take the place of one of Lynch’s men, extract Doug, stop Lynch, and keep Sugar from doing anything stupid. He doesn’t quite succeed at that last one and has to save Sugar from assault rifles by making the coolest on-the-fly microwave bomb I’ve seen since Under Siege. It was definitely one of Michael’s coolest contraptions yet.

As for the whole Claude/Gilroy thing, Claude is supposed to be the point man and Michael the support/distraction agent. He finds out—courtesy of Fiona—that Claude has been learning how to scale walls through freeclimbing. So Michael has to go to the Chilean consulate and try to booby trap some of the potential handholds Claude might use. It pays off at the end big time, and Claude has a nasty (and totally awesome to watch) Tumble.

The other thing Michael has to deal with? His mother. She reported a number of the cars Michael has stolen for his missions and is being presented with the prestigious (?) Crime Fighter of the Year Award…and she wants him to go with her to the ceremony. You know, where all the cops are. Michael isn’t enthused…but then Madeline starts guilting him. Right, as if he wasn’t getting enough of that from Fiona.

There are some nice subtexts about family this week, and quite a bit of great action. Sam plays a bigger role and gets to do more stunts. There is better spectacle in this episode than in the terrible John Travolta movie I just saw, From Paris With Love, which cost $55 million to make. Go figure.

Season 3, Episode 12: Noble Causes (Originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Glenn Watson

First, we are reminded that the Season Five auditions in Denver four years ago brought us the rollicking, radio-friendly vocal styling of Chris Daughtry, one of several non-winners the show has seen make a successful name for themselves. To wit, Seacrest’s voiceover informs us that since his stint on Idol Daughtry has released albums that have gone four times platinum (completely plausible) and has, in fact, had TWENTY number one hits around the world. Seriously? Twenty number one singles? I realize this statistic included the caveat “worldwide” in its description, but I couldn’t name five Daughtry songs if a knife were held to my throat, and I’m a fairly tuned-in gal concerning this type of thing. Well, hats off to Daughtry nonetheless, but I can’t help but feel the need to fact-check the Idol Powers That Be, if for anything but to put my own innate skepticism to rest.

On with the show! Upon arrival, the judges disembark a sleek black limo, true to form, while a tenuous joke concerning altitude confusion is brought to fruition thanks to Simon and Randy, both pretending not to know in which city they’ve just arrived. Returning guest panelist/resident stick figure Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, fabulously overdressed in a purple frock of her own design, slinks past the crowd, waving hello and unfortunately sparking an opportunity for the editors to highlight another snippet of humor courtesy of comedy dynamos Randy and Simon. This time, Randy muses how much he likes “V,” his apparent nickname for Posh, and how many people have likened him to a “darker” version of her Michelangelo-carved husband, David Beckham. Good lord. Simon’s eyes promptly roll back in his head (along with mine) as he quips with his signature British drawl, “Yes, yes, separated at birth.”

Mercifully, this overextended farce is finally dismissed and the auditions begin. Our first contestant, 28-year-old Mark Labriola from Aurora, Colorado, greets us with an overly synchronized outfit and an incessant, hyperbolic insistence that “at least once a day” people tell him he looks like Jack Black. Maybe it would be more obvious if Jack Black bought all his clothes at Hot Topic, but as is, I doubt Mark hears this comparison more than once or twice a month, tops. Mark says he doesn’t mind being equated with “the ugliest guy in Hollywood” because “he’s funny” and surely “gets girls.” Oh, yeah, Mark is also “stoked!” to be trying out for American Idol (cue one of many devil-horn hand gestures and their variants). Simon asks Mark to inform the judges of something interesting about himself, and Mark replies with the earth-shattering statement that he really likes cheese.

Upon hearing the metaphorical thud of this notion hitting the floor, he quickly segues into an account of his wildly chaotic childhood, drifting from city to city with Mom, making stops in Alaska and Maui along the way. This fascinates the judges, particularly Simon, whose interest crosses the line into a full-blown interrogation. We also learn Mark has a toddler son, Ian, and has lived in Colorado since Dad rescued him at age ten. That’s nice. So, is this guy gonna sing, or what? Mark finally gets around to belting out a truly lovely, melodic tenor, which shouldn’t take me by surprise, but kind of does because I completely fell for the initial douche edit he was given. Posh agrees with me and admits when he first walked in she got angry because so many jokesters waste the judges’ time with their clowning around, and she assumed he was a part of that group. So much for first impressions. Mark gets an admittedly deserved yes from each judge, and is next seen tearfully expressing his gratitude for the opportunity, Ian in tow, because prior to this he thought his dream was over. Sniff.

Now that The Mark Show has come to a long-overdue end (seriously, that took forever), Seacrest moves things along by reminding us what a big deal Idol auditions are, and how the following contestants are rightfully driven towards anxiety attacks and panic-ridden delusion (the latter, I suspect, was present from the beginning in most cases) due to the pressure of the lights, cameras and judging panel. Some, Seacrest says, choose to deal with it their own way (one guy is shown offering another a Xanax, several are seen praying), while others display a nervous tic — case in point Mario Galvan, a nicotine-addiction counselor with a very inconvenient, very discernible chuckle that erupts from his mouth about once or twice a sentence.

The poor guy seems both helpless and oblivious to this malady, but his floor length green trench coat and choice to sing “Jailhouse Rock” are inarguably his own damn fault. Simon, always ready to delight in the misfortune of others, seizes the opportunity and begins imitating the giggle immediately, shamelessly mocking Mario right to his face, and the only person in the room unaware of the joke is Mario himself. All this on top of his complete lack of vocal skill makes for a mighty awkward situation. Kara can’t make eye contact with anything but the desk and keeps her head down the whole time, Posh purses her lips in muted disgust like Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, and Randy is frozen with curious horror. Mario is politely given the most succinct resounding no possible, and, to everyone’s amazement, marches out with evident indignation. He must have thought his impending stardom was deserved because of his role as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde in a local Broadway revue two years earlier. Must have.

The focus shifts next to the picturesque, geographical glory of Colorado itself as we see bubbling brooks, majestic mountain peaks and physically fit residents taking advantage of the beautiful terrain and clean air; the latter of which, as Seacrest points out, remained intact until Idol showed up. A montage of musically deficient rejects cursing and flipping off the camera with rage (thus tarnishing the formerly immaculate air – the allegory’s a stretch if you ask me) ensues, but Seacrest insists that, in spite of all the negative energy, a beaming ray of hope in the form of Kimberly Kerbow will soon appear. Sure enough, 24-year-old Kimberly and her 5-year-old daughter, Amelia, are subsequently depicted walking along a creek hand in hand, enjoying the delight of each other’s company and restoring natural, pristine order to Colorado. We don’t know much about Kimberly yet, but after several successive takes of Amelia trying to say “My Mom is the next American Idol” in the most Little Miss Perfect way possible, my stomach sinks as I predict an array of beauty pageants in her future.

As for Kimberly, the fact she is wearing a wig is so blatantly obvious to me when she walks into the audition, I can’t believe it isn’t the first thing out of someone’s mouth, especially Simon’s. The wig isn’t costume-y at all; she clearly wants people to think it’s her real hair. If it were real hair, it would be perfectly okay hair, but it is SO. NOT. REAL. What makes this situation even more interesting is the fact that the song she chooses to sing (Ingrid Michaelson’s “The Way I Am”) includes the lyrics “I’ll buy you Rogaine/When you start losing all your hair.” Really?! What on Earth is that about? Her voice is perfectly pleasant, she’s perfectly cute and has Golden Ticket written all over her, but I cannot focus past this wig and suspiciously included hair loss-related lyrics. The whole thing is quite bizarre. Finally, after the judges predictably send her through and she skips out the door, Simon casually mentions, “You know, I think she was wearing a wig.” Both Kara and Posh wholeheartedly agree and I begin to restore faith in my sanity. Randy is clueless, as usual, and hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary. His observational skills are clearly up there with his vocabulary.

The first day in Denver is apparently a sound success, as a litany of Hollywood-bound contestants are shown bursting out of the audition room with glee, amongst the screams of their friends and family. Seacrest wonders aloud if this means the initial confidence shown in the crowd is warranted after all.

Next, we meet Danelle Hayes, a karaoke host and singer-songwriter from Seattle. She is not outwardly confident like the others; in fact, her emotional instability is noticeable from the start as she describes the “tough path” she has chosen in life to pursue music professionally, especially with a three-year-old son (I see a pattern here) to care for. Danelle can barely hold it together in the audition, and Simon asks her why she is crying. Her answer is a very concise, albeit cryptic, “It’s just been quite a ride.” She briefly describes having to sing at numerous bars, casinos and corporate parties, and hating it. Her song choice is Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One,” a song that should be sung either incredibly or not at all, and she seriously nails it. The judges are all nodding and smiling in approval, and I decide I want to be Danelle’s friend. Kara likes that she “wears her heart on her sleeve,” and Simon notes that Danelle seems “almost broken” and might have shown up for this opportunity just in time – “before getting caught in corporate hell,” he says, which, to my understanding, is exactly what American Idol is. Ha.

It is this point in the episode that Seacrest notes it isn’t just the contestants’ voices the judges are taking into account. With the return of Posh, in particular, it’s also important to “dress to impress.” In lieu of that revelation, we, of course, next see an Idol hopeful wearing a hot dog suit. That means it’s time for the ridiculous costume montage, and Posh condescendingly complimenting numerous castoffs on their personal style.

Casey James of Fort Worth, Texas, isn’t worried about wardrobe, says Seacrest, he’s just happy to be there. “There” meaning both the audition and planet Earth, evidently, as we learn about Casey’s near-fatal motorcycle accident six years earlier. The doctors had told him he would never play guitar again, and we are treated to shots of surgery scars, and Casey pensively looking out the window. Determined to beat his grim odds, here’s Casey now, trying out for the world’s most popular karaoke contest with his trusty six-string by his side.

Next, there is an odd cut straight to Casey warbling for the judges, sans an introduction or obligatory small talk. Kara looks googly-eyed and Simon looks bored, validating his demeanor by telling Casey this is a bad audition, citing lack of charisma and effort as the main problem. Randy chimes in with a no-thought-required “Yeah!” and Posh is curious what pony-tailed Casey looks like with his hair down. Kara, eager to jump on this bandwagon, asks him to unbutton his shirt. Randy, half-jokingly, says he should just take it off (!), and Simon is on the verge of multiple homicides. The ladies marvel at Casey’s aesthetic appeal, but even Kara admits he needs serious work on his personality. Kara and Posh love this guy with a vengeance, thus Randy says yes purely out of fear, and Simon is silently reminding himself this is his last season dealing with this crap.

We are next introduced to Tori Kelly, an overly tanned, bright-eyed 16-year-old with Carrie Bradshaw hair and a gaggle of fans in her wake. She is from Canyon Lake, California, and is the epitome of every girl I hated in high school. She brings one of her groupies in to the audition, a young girl about seven or eight named Hope. Hope has brought with her some drawings she made of the judges, which are a bona fide hit. Randy’s is deemed the most successful, and Simon says it is more like a photograph. Randy holds the drawing up to his face to emulate the likeness. I should point out that the drawings are the normal, stick-figured, crudely-shaped kind of kid art that parents put on the refrigerator, and nothing more; therefore, the whole ordeal is either endearing or completely revolting. Hope is now sitting on Posh’s lap, and continues to do so throughout Tori’s audition. I’m now definitely leaning more toward revolting. Tori sings “Gravity” by John Mayer, and if she didn’t already leave such a bad taste in my mouth, I’d commend her for choosing a song originally sung by a man. She sounds exactly like I thought she would, and all the judges buy this dog and pony show except for Simon, who calls her both annoying and a human orange (I miss you already!). Tori, her minion, and the Golden Ticket couldn’t exit fast enough for me, as the curtains close on the “best day yet” in this year’s audition process.

Day two in Denver is upon us, as Seacrest notes the unwavering confidence in the remaining crowd, particularly apparent in University of Colorado – Boulder football player Austin Paul. He mugs for the camera left and right, demonstrating his athletic prowess in both the weight room and on the field, and informs us that making it to the Hollywood Round is #42 on his bucket list. I’m already displaying a sour expression and feeling queasy, and it doesn’t take long for the judges to catch up once he starts belting out another John Mayer tune, “Bigger Than My Body,” complete with unwieldy falsetto. You couldn’t write this guy. He’s awful, I’m delighted, and Posh says he makes her feel itchy. ‘Nuff said.

Seacrest warns us that if we thought Austin was grossly arrogant, we’d better prepare ourselves for Kenny Everett, 24, the self-proclaimed “world’s best singer, for those of you who don’t know me,” which is everyone outside his immediate family, I’m guessing. He proceeds to dance like Carlton from Fresh Prince to seemingly justify the aforementioned statement, and I fasten my proverbial seatbelt. Kenny says he’s the male Mary J. Blige, and his singing is actually a public service because it brings his local community together. Oh, boy. Kenny begins “singing” a token Mary J. song, and I would categorize the performance as a kind of melodic shouting – it wasn’t as horrible as I’d feared, but definitely strange, and Kenny’s delusion is no façade. The judges are slack-jawed, and truly irritated when Kenny protests their unanimous ruling to get him the hell out of there by starting to sing another song and saying things like, “You gotta be kidding me” and “I can’t believe this!” His incredulity and obliviousness lead him to a closing statement of “How can four people tell you you can’t sing when you know you’re a good singer? Something’s gotta be up with that!” Indeed, Kenny, indeed.

A girl whose screech surely kills cats (according to Simon) and a gargling scat master are among those who flash by the screen in a quick summation of day two’s disappointing lack of talent. Just in time, in swoops Nicci Nix, a resident of Florence, Italy, who flew 14 hours to make the audition and has a speaking voice like Minnie Mouse. Thankfully, her singing voice is a couple of octaves lower, as evidenced in her rendition of some poppy tune I’ve never heard with lots of “ooohs” and such. She’s cute as a button, but I’m a bit taken aback at just how much love the judges are giving her. Posh says she has beautiful skin and looks great, which may be true but ultimately means nothing if you can’t sing, but Simon is definitely intrigued, saying “You’re a funny little thing, aren’t you?” and all four send her to Hollywood without hesitation. Randy and Kara break out the “thousand percent yes” and “million percent yes” superlatives to fully express their enthusiasm. Barf.

As the sun begins to set on the Denver tryouts, the judges endure another stampede of disappointing auditions. Country-pop contestant Haeley Vaughn is trying to stay positive in the midst of all the negativity, and we’re given a background of her “miracle child” premature birth, the untimely death of her father and her mother’s premonition that Haeley would be a contestant on American Idol since the show’s inception. She is African-American and aware of her unique marketability concerning her genre choice, which lies more toward Carrie Underwood’s side of the spectrum, instead of, say, Beyonce’s. The judges love this, and she successfully manages to sell them her image right out of the gate. Her singing does not blow me away, per se, but she clearly has an innate knack for the business and has a certain je ne sais quoi I predict will take her at least into the top 24.

I wish I could say Haeley was the final contestant in season nine’s preliminary auditions, because I know we’re all dying to get to Hollywood already (where Ellen is waiting for us!), but unfortunately the Idol producers are aware of their audience and feel the need to end on a ludicrous note involving a male Bikini Girl (a Bikini Boy, I suppose) singing “Achy Breaky Heart” to whom I’m not giving the time of day. If you’re really that curious, I’m sure it’s on YouTube.

Finally, to wrap up the auditions on Wednesday night, we loyal viewers are treated to an exhibition of leftovers not shown in previous episodes. Seacrest begins this half-assed spectacle by spouting the hackneyed inspirational phrase “The longest of journeys starts with the smallest of steps.”  This is apparently to serve as some kind of feeble transition to what everyone remembers most about Season Nine thus far, in spite of all the “huge talent” we’ve seen: General Larry Platt and the now-legendary, often-imitated “Pants on the Ground.” I normally have a cavernously low tolerance for this kind of nonsense, but this still cracks me up and my co-workers and I haven’t yet tired of inserting our own renditions during opportune moments.

Seacrest deems this a suitable time to remind us what a crucial part song choice plays in the success of an audition. Returning Denver contestant Jessica Furney tried out last season with a Janis Joplin song, and apparently didn’t make the cut despite, from what I could hear, a perfectly decent voice. Today she’s back, looking good and ready to blow ‘em away with the meticulously chosen song “Footprints in the Sand,” co-written by none other than Simon Cowell. Jessica assures the judges she’s not trying to suck up, and Simon tries to hit a nerve by tartly saying, “Well, it’s a beautiful song, so good luck.” She sounds fantastic to me, and the judges agree, Randy adding that this year her audition is a “definite improvement.”

Seacrest moves things along by stating the obvious, again, this time with the gem, “The road to Hollywood is paved with attention-seekers,” thus making it “vital to stand out” during your audition. That’s some sound advice there, Seacrest. One apparent attention-seeker aching to stand out is theater student Amanda Shectman. We first meet Amanda as she demonstrates both her spot-on Britney impression, and the completely unnecessary talent of talking with her mouth closed. Her self-stated extensive theater background stifles her ability to “connect” with the judges during her performance, as noted by both Posh and Kara. Simon tells Amanda she is “such an actress” and she starts to freak out a little bit, raising her voice while desperately trying to convince the judges she can “get into” expressing herself more convincingly through song. They end up sending her through anyway, after Simon is finished making fun of her with an excruciatingly drawn-out answer complete with clichéd “dramatic actor” hand gestures. Amanda lives up to her already notorious reputation by giving a tearful, acceptance speech-like illustration of gratitude to the camera.

Next, we are treated to two time-filling segments, the first of which discusses how many Idol hopefuls bring instruments, even though playing them isn’t allowed during the audition. One contestant, dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox, actually carries her guitar into the room, explaining its function as a “comfort blanket” of sorts. After this, a variety of clips devoted to the art of the “fake-out” wastes even more time. The “fake-out” is when a Hollywood-bound contestant exits the audition room to greet their family and pretends they didn’t make it, only to pull the Golden Ticket out of their underwear (for example) as a surprise, ergo, faking everyone out. Let’s move on, please.

It turns out, a great deal of people try out for American Idol more than once; the vast majority are obvious gluttons for punishment, while a select few are truly worthy of another shot. Lacey Brown made the top 50 last year, losing her spot to tattooed kook Megan Joy. She’s back in front of the judges again, singing “Over the Rainbow,” and singing it beautifully. She’s completely adorable, and the judges are clearly glad to see her again. I’m making a mental note to root for her come Hollywood Week.

Unfortunately, most don’t know when they’ve overstayed their welcome and the embodiment of this notion lies within Stephanie Fisher, here for her SEVENTH time. She’s dressed like a “Lucky Star”-era Madonna and idolizes Posh, whose presence makes her nervous. The panel patronizes her to the highest degree, offering to have Posh face the other direction when her first song bombs and they let her sing another. She’s even worse the second time, and off she goes to prepare her act for next year.

After glimpsing a trio of youngsters we’ll get to know further in Hollywood, Seacrest notes that many contestants are possessed with athletic proficiency. This brings us to “Blondezilla,” a.k.a. Adrian, a 6’8” swimmer who sings “Can’t Help Falling in Love” in a voice no one would imagine escaping from such a behemoth. Kara says it’s like he has a small schoolboy trapped inside of him. “Either that or you ate one,” retorts Simon. Ha! In short, it isn’t pretty. On his way out, Adrian reminds both the judges and Seacrest that they have his number if something comes up. Wow.

Gargantuan personal trainer Michael Lynche has a daughter on the way and also sings a classic love song. “Unchained Melody” is something that either sounds poetic or embarrassing, and luckily for Michael the judges are enchanted. Guest panelist Kristin Chenoweth (LOVE her) says he’s got her vote; as far as I’m concerned, a thumbs-up from her is enough on its own. We’ll see Michael in Hollywood.

No episode of Idol is complete without a sob story, so the first of tonight’s THREE installments comes by way of Didi Benami, whose best friend Rebecca died four years ago. Didi’s audition is clearly serving purpose as an emotional tribute to Rebecca, and she chooses to sing the Beatles classic “Hey Jude.” She has impressive range, and her background story elicits genuine pathos instead of my usual skeptical misanthropy. Kara notes Didi’s clear desperation to make it through to Hollywood, and Randy points out her distinct sound. I surprised myself by enjoying Didi’s performance, and I’m looking forward to hearing more from her.

Aaron Kelly, 16, pontificates on his rough childhood before singing Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb,” a daring choice for a teenage boy. Upon hearing his voice, I’m positive he’s the kid who always gets the lead in the school musical, and can now impress his friends with a Golden Ticket to Hollywood.

Finally, Seacrest tells us that of all the cities Idol visited this year, not one mastered Southern hospitality like Dallas. With that, we meet Texan Hope Johnson, third and final sob story and one of eight kids who grew up in poverty. Hope solidifies this sentiment by adding that as a child she didn’t realize most people ate dinner on a regular basis. She’s now a 19-year-old waitress and bartender, and sings country-pop hit “I Hope You Dance” for the judges, who all lap it up. Randy tells her she needs to work on “closing her phrases,” demonstrating the most musical insight I’ve ever heard from this man during his history in the public eye. She’s lovely, and I predict an extended Idol journey beyond Hollywood.

With that, Hollywood Week and the emergence of permanent judge Ellen Degeneres is officially the next step in this year’s search for the ninth American Idol. Judging by the previews, Ellen fits into her new role quite nicely, and I’m ecstatic for the claptrap of auditions to be behind us. Westward, ho!

For another opinion about these episodes, check out Last Stop On The Road To Hollywood by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 7 & 8: Auditions: Denver & The Road to Hollywood (Originally aired February 2 & 3, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.

So, we visited Denver for the first half of the week, and the second half was spent watching some auditions we hadn’t seen from the past few weeks. While I loved the assortment of YouTube covers of “Pants on the Ground,” I am more than ready to yell, “sayonara auditions!” at the top of my lungs.

WATCH OUT FOR…
Mark Labriola, 28, sings “Tempted” by Squeeze, a song that I don’t ever remember hearing on the show, and he owns it. The only thing that makes me smile during these rounds are when someone, primed to be a dud, completely shines. He held his own under Simon’s crazy-talk grilling after learning Mark was kidnapped by his mother at a young age. (Yay for a life story not told from the ::tear::tear:: perspective!) Plus, his baby was oh-so cute.

Tori Kelly, 16, greases the judges with her tag-along, little friend named Hope, at that. The girl is sly. She then kills John Mayer’s “Gravity”. I understood Simon’s critique of her “annoying” voice. She was a little bit shrill, but I think being put together, confident and sunny goes a long way early on.

Jessica Furney, 20, found empowerment in rejection by losing some weight, feeling and looking more vibrant, and returning for another shot. She also found a way to butter up Simon by singing “Footprints in the Sand,” a song Simon co-wrote.

Amanda Shectman’s, 19, voice was perfection, but she showed very little emotion during her performance. Now, we knew from her interview with Ryan earlier that she wasn’t a shy girl. But the judges weren’t prepared after her dour performance to see an outburst of emotion. And their chiding of her dramatic ways only provoked her even more. After much torture, they put her through. Now if we could do something about those tan lines.

Didi Benami, 22, was a big ball of nerves. Even Kara pointed out how much she could tell Didi wanted it, which only made her release her frustration in the form of an endless stream of tears. Her voice is distinct, different and if this girl can take control of herself, she could carve out her own little folkie niche.

Aaron Kelly is a sweet-faced 16-year old who reminds me of David Archuleta since they’re both angelic, adorable, soft-spoken and polite. Now can he go just as far?

Let’s not forget those flashes in the pan. Lee Dewyze, 23, and Crystal Bowersox, 23, both brought guitars with them kind of like how a baby sleeps with their blanket on a hot summer’s day. It’s not necessary, but it makes you feel safer. Rachel Hubbard, Thaddeus Johnson, or Genesis Moore, all 16, could be the next Mouseketeers 4.0 or the stars of HSM: The Next Generation.

NEED FINE BUT NOT FAB? CALL…
Kimberly Kerbow, 24, got a lot of flack for singing the line, “I’d buy you Rogaine” to Simon. It was all a little silly because it is the actual lyrics to the song she was singing, and then there was Simon’s low blow. “You’re a single mom? I wonder why…” But he recovered by saying yes and that she was funny. She wasn’t funny actually or all that great. I thought she was trying too hard to be cute and sexy, but her voice wasn’t half bad. Once she left the room though, he called her out for wearing a wig. Touche, Simon!

Danelle Hayes, 24, had a sob story about how hard it is to put on a smile and do little shows after little shows when you have such a big dream. I liked her voice, but she seemed to be screaming a lot and cracking a little. I’m sure her voice was affected by the fact that she was crying as she entered the room and teary as she sang, but she made it easy for Simon to pick up on the fact that she may be broken and got to them just in time. So what happens when you cut her, Simon?!

Casey James, 27, is pretty nice on the eyes, so he easily swayed Kara and Victoria, especially after telling him to take his hair out of a ponytail and take his shirt off. (The shirt was strangely Randy’s suggestion.) He also seemed like a big sweetie, hearkening on a motorcycle accident he lived through but the docs predicted he would never play guitar. He overcame that obstacle but that’s nothing compared to Simon. His problem is he’s kind of bland and mumbles his words. Not exactly star qualities.

Nicci Nix, 22, flew from Florence for fourteen hours to make it to the audition. The girl was pure sugar and so naïve, she had no clue Simon was making fun of her voice that sounded like it was helium-filled. Her singing voice was fortunately lower and less squeaky. She made no qualms that her personae is straight up pop by singing a Girls Aloud song. Plus, tell me her name was not made for stardom.

Haeley Vaughn, 16, knows she’s different and pretty adorable. She wants to be the first black, country-pop female singer. Her obstacle will be to overcome the lisp she has when she sings, the sometimes overzealous reverberation in her voice and sounding too much like Carrie.

Lacey Brown, 23, has tried before and failed, though the Top 50 is nothing to cry about. She got her second shot, but I still don’t believe that her voice is strong enough or that her personality pops enough to get much farther. I do commend her, though, for knowing who she is and having a distinct tone.

Hope Johnson,19, is so aw-shucks sweet that the judges couldn’t say no. They complimented her voice more than I would have but critiqued her phrasing. For my tastes, it was frail, too breathy and lacked a wide range, but it wasn’t bad. I’d like to see if she could improve in this short time. Plus anyone who says of her poor youth, “I thought lots of kids didn’t eat dinner,” is enough to make me give her a ticket. Fine! You got me, Idol, with your sobs stories. You got me.

BE GLAD YOU MISSED…
Austin Paul, oh, Austin Paul. Not too long ago, I knew guys like you. That guy who truly believes he’s a jack of all trades and can do no wrong. One who is God’s gift to women. He doesn’t just write songs; he composes them. He can shake it, AND he can carry that pigskin! The self-important vibe was oozing from every pore but, at least, led to one of the great lines of the night from Simon. “I think you could be very annoying, one of those voices after 30 seconds being like ‘Oh! Shut up!’ I’ve just been there, and that’s the kind of voice you’ve got.”

Kenny Everett, I know Mary J. Blige riffs endlessly, but you are not Mary. Singing only two words of the song and lengthening those riffs for an extra minute when they sound like a dozen cats on a hot, tin roof does not make you Mary or even Mary-like. And when they rejected him, he just pulled another song out of his Mary songbook. Painful.

Ty Hemmerling, were you content to see yourself on TV tonight in a bikini gyrating while all the judges walked out on you? And what was the point? To make me laugh, because I didn’t even laugh once. It’s these ploys that I hate the most, especially when it’s teased at the opening of the show as if the guy would be naked. Did I really think that would happen? No, but I thought it would at least be better than what we got. I never thought I’d say this, but bring back Bikini Girl! Way less assaulting on my eyes.

Stephanie Fisher is a fame whore. Again, I don’t get it! And I don’t understand why the producers continue to promote this kind of behavior. I understand the William Hungs of the world. They’re novelties and absurd. It’s like going to a carnival ::wink::wink:: and gawking at the human oddities. Things that warp our brains fascinate us. But a fairly typical-looking girl with platinum blond hair, channeling 80s Madonna? Not fascinating.

Adrian Chandtchi was a 17-year old kid with the voice a castrated monk, trapped in a 6’8” body. I would say more, but he is a teenager and so politely let them know he’s available for re-callbacks or a job. I can’t bust a teenager with manners.

WRAP IT UP
Hollywood Week is so close! Twenty-six contestants skied out of Denver straight to Hollywood, making a total of 181 to join up and sing in sunny Southern California. Plus, Ellen hooks up with the panel, and from the clips, she will be honest AND make you laugh. Soooooo excited! Let the fight for those coveted spots truly begin.

PARTING SHOTS
“You may have come in here just in time to rescue you from corporate hell.” – Simon

“How can four people tell you that you can’t sing, and you know you’re a good singer. Something has to be up with that.” – Kenny

“I am a beautiful man flower. I will blossom…” – Adrian

“Adrian, there’s like a small school boy trapped inside of you.” – Kara
“Either that or you’ve eaten one.” – Simon

For another opinion about these episodes, check out The Mile High Club by Erin Bigelow.

Season 9, Episodes 7 & 8: Auditions: Denver & The Road to Hollywood (Originally aired February 2 & 3, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.

Heeeeeeey!!!!  Someone got a bigger budget this year!  The room looks much nicer this season.  Last season, the set cost $4.95, so I’m happy for Ru.

Nicole Paige Brooks is first, and she is talking about how she’s the quintessential Southern Belle.  Gag.  Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrives second.  I simply cannot handle that name.  Raven rolls in third, and she sort of reminds me of Madonna, circa “Rain.”  Jujubee is next, instantly reminding me of Suzanne Sugarbaker’s foster daughter, Li Sing, all grown up.

Sahara Davenport follows, and she and Shangela immediately start squealing like pigs.  You see, they know each other from college.  Aw, how sweet.  Morgan McMichaels comes in next, looking like a NASCAR whore.  Raven begins howling because she and Morgan are also are friends.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE BIG GIRL!  Mystique Summers Madison rolls in, looking like a broke down Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float.

Jessica Wild is next, and she says some shit that I can’t even understand!  Her Puerto Rican accent is so thick that I’m going to need an interpreter for this season.  Sonique follows, and Nicole knows her!  This is like that season of Big Brother 2, where all of the contestants were paired up with someone they knew.

Tatianna comes next, and she talks about going to high school in drag!  WHAT?!?!?! At my high school, there was some obviously gay guy who came to school with flowers painted on his legs, but even he didn’t dress in drag to school.

Pandora Boxx explodes through the door, and she describes herself as a cross between Madonna, Goldie Hawn, and Kathy Griffin.  That combination is a whole lotta woman.  Tyra Sanchez is the final arrival, and, boy, is she beautiful!  She admits that she also thinks that she’s the prettiest one.

After a She-Mail greeting, RuPaul (as a man) walks through the door.  He meets each of the girls and tells them all that they are gorgeous.  He’s nicer than me!  Some of these girls look like they’d be more at home in a kennel than on stage.  RuPaul tells everyone what the prizes are, but that’s when I was pouring my drink.  Sorry, folks, but I got my priorities in order.

RuPaul invites celebrity photographer Mike Ruiz (in a super gay tank top) out.  The first challenge will be a photo shoot based on one of Ru’s favorite movies:  Gone With the Wind!!!  YES!!!!   I hope the photo shoot recreates my favorite scene!!  No such luck.  Instead, the photo shoot requires each queen to straddle a cannon, sandwiched between two big half-naked muscle men.  One added plus, there is also a fan to blow the girls’ hair while posing.  This is no ordinary fan, either.  It produces hurricane-force winds.  This fan is the MOTHER of all fans, honey.  Eyelashes were blown all over, Morgan’s wig blew off, and Shangela nearly lost her boobs.

After the photo shoot, the girls all return to the dressing room and de-drag.  The most surprising transformations for me?  Jujubee and Sahara.  RuPaul and Mike Ruiz come out and announce that Raven is the winner of the photo competition.  Yay, Raven . . . I guess.

The elimination challenge of the episode is a continuation of the Gone With the Wind theme.   Because Scarlett O’Hara had to resort to making an outfit out of her curtains, the contestants will have to do the same.  RuPaul shows them a dozen sets of the ugliest curtains you’ve ever seen, and the contestants have to use the curtains for their outfits.   They can also use household items obtained from Out of the Closet.

Blah, blah, blah.  Shangela can’t sew.  Mystique can’t get the curtains to fit around her fat ass.  Tyra’s got a son!!  Morgan works my nerves.  These outfits are going to be a hot mess.

We return to the Main Stage!

RuPaul – dressed in her sparkly-est red gown – glides down the runway and introduces the judges:  Santino Rice, Merle Ginsburg (who was robbed, robbed of a win on Bravo’s Launch My Line), Mike Ruiz, and Kathy Griffin.

Runway Show:

• Tyra Sanchez – lookin’ good, girl!  The dress is very flowy, with two panels on the lower part of the dress that spread like a cape.  And she’s got on this great afro-esque wig.  She really is the prettiest one.  Ru cracks me up:  “There’s nothing dirty about this Sanchez.”

• Raven – Miss Raven is wearing a zebra-striped mini dress with a red stripe down the front and a big black belt.  She’s gone from brunette to blonde now with a Suzanne Somers-style wig.  She’s working it!

• Sonique – Sonique has gone completely tribal with an African-inspired outfit, complete with spear.  She’s pretty, but the wig veers into Kate Gosselin territory.

• Jujubee – She announces that she “wasn’t going for pretty.”  Well, mission accomplished, dear.  The dress is too long, the collar is frayed, and the wig is sexy granny.  C’mon, Jujubee.  You can do better.

• Tatianna – The dress is so ill-fitting and unflattering.  She looks like she’s carrying triplets.  Good thing she’s pretty.

• Sahara Davenport – This one looks just like Sheree Whitfield from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  It’s incredible!  I wonder if it’s on purpose.  Who gon’ check me, Boo?

• Shangela (I just can’t type “LaQuifa”) – This is a bad prom dress with corn.  No, I am not crazy; I said corn.  She has corn cobs hanging off of the dress. Just bad.

• Jessica Wild – Jessica has completely worked it out!  The outfit is a little one-piece swimsuit-type outfit, with large fabric rosettes all over.  Trust me, it looks better than it sounds.

• Morgan McMichaels – It hurts me to say that she looks good.  The outfit has large shoulder poufs and an exposed midriff.  The skirt has a low belt and a long panel on the front and back.  Again, even I have to admit that she looks good.

• Mystique Summers Madison – Good Lord!!!  This dress is a MESS!!  It looks completely half-assed.  Worse yet, she’s wearing a giant lampshade as a hat with grapes hanging out of it.  GRAPES?!?!?!   Just when you start to get over how awful the outfit looks, Mystique decides that it is in her best interest to be memorable on the runway . . . so she does the jump splits.  Yes, the splits.  I think I heard the runway start crying when Mystique landed.

• Nicole Paige Brooks – I guess since she’s from Atlanta, she wanted to look like Mary Jo Shively.   She says that she wanted to look like a madam.  But not this one, I take it.

• Pandora Boxx – She’s wearing the red wig for Kathy Griffin and, doggone it, she does kind of look like her . . . only bigger . . . and more masculine . . . and in a bad dress made of curtains.

The following heifers are safe:  Jujubee, Tatianna, Raven, Sonique, Jessica Wild, Nicole Paige Brooks.  Raven complains that she wasn’t the winner.  I tell her to shut up.

Tyra’s gown is called unoriginal by the judges.  Shangela’s bust line is non-existent.  Morgan McMichaels’s outfit is compared to the classic Cher song, “Half Breed.”  The judges think Pandora Boxx is beautiful but boring.  Mystique Summers Madison’s personality endears her to the judges.  Sahara Davenport’s dress is too demure.

During private deliberations, RuPaul describes both Mystique and her split as “raggedy.”  HA!

After the judging, we find out that Morgan McMichaels is the winner.  Congratulations.  She also gets immunity for next week.  The bottom two are:  Shangela and Sahara.  DRAMA!  The two squealing friends from college will now have to face off . . . the time has come for you to LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!

The song: “Cover Girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)” by RuPaul.  It doesn’t take long to get crazy.  Shangela rips her skirt off.  Sahara does the jump splits.  Pieces of hair fly off.  There are death drops.  Sonique describes it as looking like “Mortal Kombat,” and she is RIGHT!

Ultimately, Sahara is safe.  “Shante, you stay.”  Shangela must “Sashay away.”

Excellent.  I missed this show so much.  I’m expecting great things from this season, and it looks like I won’t be disappointed.  By the way, check out Logo’s website for all sorts of fun goodies.  You can see bonus scenes of the girls’ outfits, a vlog of the episode (NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR PEARL O’WISDOM!), among others.  My favorite thing, though, is the Dragulator.  Go play on it now!!

Season 2, Episode 1: Gone with the Window (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

Mondays at 9pm(est) on Logo

Photographs courtesy of Logo Online and Mathu Anderson.

Intern-of-the-week Arastoo determines that the victim was a white male in his early twenties and that in addition to the horns, he had a legitimate vestigial tail. Hodgins follows up by discovering that the accelerant was your garden-variety motor oil and that the horns were partly made out of coral and, therefore, were fake. Booth can now relax knowing that their victim is human and not a demon. Bones too can relax with the knowledge that her scientific and clinical world is still intact, not that she was worried for even a second. They do however still have to solve the murder and exercise the romantic tension between them. Angela actually pulls her weight this week with the former.

She identifies the victim as Neil Lowery, whose last known residence was the Looney Bin. So now, by definition, Booth and Brennan’s investigation involves the quintessential religious site and the quintessential psychological site. In other words, Brennan will be swimming in interpersonal conflict with Booth and Sweets, who Booth brings along to help liaise with the Looney Bin staff and patients.

I thought Neil might have been one of those…um…special…performance art people, but it seems that he was born with the tail, had an abusive childhood, became schizophrenic, went out and got the horns so he could make himself into the Satan spawn image he thought everyone else already saw and expected of him. Or something like that. The kid had problems, for sure.

At the sanitarium, Booth, Bones and Sweets meet Dr. Copeland (Joshua Malina), the head honcho. He gives them the guided tour and introduces them to a patient named Neviah, who believes she is an angel and painted a picture of Neil being crucified and wounded in the exact same place that the actual body was. She tells them that God told her to kill Neil. This is about as good a confession as you could get, but Booth is too good of an investigator to close the case there.

At the Jeffersonian, Angela analyzes the painting, noting the similarities in style and content to the work of Hieronymus Bosch (not to be confused with the Los Angeles detective protagonist of Michael Connelly’s books, who shares the painter’s namesake). She also uncovers another painting underneath it that potentially implicates one of the sanitarium nurses. This is a great scene that really showed Angela’s value to the team. This is what I wish the writers would do more often: focus on Angela’s talents and professionalism. Of course she should have a personal life, but more often than not, her personal problems are overemphasized to the point where the character comes off as inferior waste of oxygen. Her artistic skills are interesting and unique. They should be focused on more. We should see her coming up with new and innovative ways to use and improve her simulator. I want the character to be given the same level of respect that Brennan gets.

And on this same note, let’s talk about Cam. Her big issue this week involves Arastoo. During an exchange with him about how he reconciles his Muslim faith and his devotion to science, she got the mistaken impression that, when he talked about having to look into the eyes of the devil every day, that he was talking about Americans. For the rest of the episode, she dithered and worried about confronting him. Finally, it was Arastoo that had to confront her and explain that he wasn’t talking about Americans and that he loves the country. He then told an affecting story about his time spent working as a translator in Iraq. This is not the Cam that came aboard in season two. When she took over the Jeffersonian, she was New York tough and authoritative. She challenged Brennan consistently and was even ready to fire her at one point. I’m not saying I loved her for that (if she fired Brennan I’d teleport into the TV and beat her with a rubber hose), but it was a lot more interesting.

How are we supposed to take her seriously as the leader of this important and prestigious forensic team if she can’t even confront interns about interpersonal issues? Either give Cam her authority back or bring back Dr. Goodman from the first season. I don’t think Cam or Angela are being given enough respect as characters. I wouldn’t take it this far, but I could even understand some people referring to their characterizations as slightly sexist and maybe even misogynistic.

Beyond those quibbles, this is a good episode with an interesting murder mystery that gives Booth and Brennan a lot to play with. Even the supporting cast is good. There is a scene where Dr. Copeland confronts Brennan and puts her in her place for consistently belittling psychiatry and his life’s work. I was impressed that the writers put in a scene that paints Brennan in such an ugly light and I admire Emily Deschanel for willingly allowing her character to come off as conceited and momentarily unlikable. Not every star would do that.

The other thing the episode does well is engage the series’ continuing exploration of the dichotomy between faith and science. Brennan comes to the reluctant realization that she looks to and finds the same level of comfort from logic, order and science that Booth gets from Catholicism. Other highlights include Hodgins painfully conducting an experiment with nun-chuks, Brennan finally getting to drive and Brennan flirting with a self-effacing psychiatrist at the sanitarium and then finding out that he is actually a patient…and being not horrified but disappointed because they seemed to have a lot in common. It was really funny. Deschanel is hilarious in scenes like this precisely because she doesn’t try to be funny. She’s always completely immersed in her character and plays it straight and truthfully.

I’m sad to report that this is the last episode of Bones until April 1^st.

Season 5, Episode 14: The Devil in the Details (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on Bones, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

The episode opens with Dean sitting on a couch saying he loves the devil. The camera pans out to show Dean with a stripper in a devil’s outfit. Anna appears, interrupting Dean’s dream, and asks him to meet her at a spot since she is unable to track the boys due to the angel warding spell Castiel engraved on their lungs.

Anna arrives at the site, but becomes instantly annoyed to only find Castiel there. Anna tells him that she has escaped from “angel prison” and plans to kill Sam. If she can kill Sam then Lucifer will not be able to rise. Castiel threatens to kill Anna with a shiny new angel-killing blade if she even gets near Sam. Realizing she can’t touch Lucifer’s vessel with Castiel around, Anna travels back to 1978 to kill Mary and John Winchester, preventing the birth of Sam and Dean.

Castiel, using a tracking spell, finds Anna and sends the Winchester boys to the past with sacred oil and his angel-killing knife to stop her.  In the past, the brothers quickly find their parent’s house from the yellow pages and head right over.  Mary is unhappy to see Dean again as she informs him she has left the Hunter life behind. John invites both Dean and Sam in believing they are cousins of Mary.

Throughout the episode Anna comes close to killing either of the parents along with Sam and Dean. She even procures the help of the Archangel Uriel by convincing him that the Winchesters will be the cause of his death in the future.

The episode contains many emotional moments shared between the children and their parents. Sam has a heart to heart with the younger and innocent version of his father. Sam tells John that he understands why his father brought him up the way he did and that he never got the chance to thank him for everything he had done for them. Later in the episode Dean confesses to Mary that both he and Sam are her sons. Dean warns her about her death and tells her to run. Sam enters the room and tells her that running won’t help since the yellow-eyed demon will follow her anywhere she goes. The only chance she has of changing the future is by leaving John. Mary tells them it’s already too late since she is pregnant with Dean.

As the revelation comes to terms, Uriel and Anna attack the Winchesters. Anna punches John, sending him flying outside, kills Sam and grabs a hold of Mary as Uriel disarms Dean. Before Anna can kill Mary, John appears all healed and looking badass. It turns out John has said yes to Michael allowing him to take over his body in order to save Mary. Michael easily dispenses Anna by frying her with his hand and snaps his fingers to send Uriel back to heaven.

Michael and Dean finally meet face to face. Michael informs Dean that Michael’s vessel is a bloodline that traces all the way back to Cain and Abel, which allows him to enter John’s body. Trying to convince Dean that saying yes is his destiny, Michael starts bringing up the events where the random choices the brothers made over and over again just brought them closer to a Michael and Lucifer showdown on earth. Michael tells Dean that free will is just an illusion and everything has already been written from the start. The talk ends with Michael reviving Sam, erasing the events from the memories of Mary and John, and sending Dean back to think about the conversation they just had.

What I really enjoyed about the episode was the appearance of the Archangel Michael. To be honest, I thought he was going to be someone I truly hated, but the way Michael reasons with Dean and talks to him makes him a very likable character. While I don’t like the outcome of Michael’s goals, I can’t blame the logic behind his beliefs.

The episode really carries the tone that free will for the brothers is just an illusion, leaving me with a gloomy outlook for both Sam and Dean. Will the brothers say “Yes” to their destinies or will they say “No” and find a way to save the world using their free will? I don’t know what the characters will choose, but I sure as hell can’t wait to find out.

Season 5, Episode 13: The Song Remains the Same (Originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on Supernatural, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and David Gray.

I’ll give a heads up just in case. The rest of the post contains SPOILERS from Tuesday night’s episodes. If you have not watched them then I really advise stopping and watching the episodes first. Still reluctant or seen the episodes? Read on.

The best way in my opinion to break apart the first episode of the season would be to separate each of the three storylines taking place. The three storylines pertain to how the characters are split up across the Island/Reality. For analysis purposes I’m breaking down group one, alternate reality, into bullet point form for readers to track the alternate reality differences better.

Group 1 – Alternate Reality

• Premiere opens up on the Oceanic 815 flight.

• Stewardess only offers Jack one bottle of alcohol instead of two unlike the Pilot.

• Rose and Jack share a conversation as the plane begins to violently shake.

• The shaking which lead to the plane’s crash in the Pilot passes over.

• Rose tells Jack it’s okay to let go of the seat, which he has been clutching with his dear life. Unlike the Pilot, Rose is the confident one and Jack is scared.

• Bernard returns from the bathroom. He’s no longer in the tail section of the plane.

• Jack goes to the bathroom and finds a bleeding cut on the right side of his neck. What caused it?

• Jack returns to his seat to find Desmond occupying the empty seat next to his. Desmond is reading Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie.

• When Desmond says, “Brotha” Jack feels as if he has met Desmond somewhere before.

• Jack looks out the window and the camera pans toward the ocean floor.

• In the ocean floor we see the Others’ Village. Those quick enough to catch it can also see the Dharma logo branded onto the shark’s tail. Here’s a screencap for those that might have missed that: Dharma Shark Logo.

• Also at the bottom of the ocean, the giant foot statue.

• Sometime later Jack heads back to the bathroom causing Kate to bump into him as she emerges from the bathroom. The US Marshal grabs her as she gets out and walks Kate back to her seat. Sawyer walks down the aisle and notices Kate, who hides her handcuffs under the tray. Guess Kate is still a fugitive in the alternative timeline.

• Doc Arzt bothers Hurley to do the Mr. Cluck’s Chicken slogan.

• Hurley admits to winning the lottery when asked how he managed to become the owner of the franchise. Sawyer, sitting a few seats away, says he shouldn’t tell people the fact that he has won the lottery due to people wanting to take advantage of him. Hurley says he’s not worried. He has the best luck in the world. Interesting. No cursed numbers affecting his life in this reality.

• Sun admires the happy couple, Bernard and Rose, on the plane.

• Boone talks survival of a plane crash with Locke. Boone says if the plane crashed the chance of survival would be 0%. HA! Both characters talk about why they went to Australia. Boone went to break his sister out of a bad relationship, which she didn’t want to leave. Sounds reminiscent of season one. However, it seems Boone didn’t pay off the boyfriend since he is flying without Shannon. Locke tells Boone he went on a walkabout. Hmm, truth or lie? Boone makes another ironic statement after hearing about Locke’s walkabout. “If this [plane] goes down, I’m sticking with you.” Well we all know how well that ended up for you, Boone.

• On the plane a call is made over the intercom asking if there are any doctors on board. Jack responds and is taken by the air stewardess to the bathrooms. What the hell is up with Jack and the bathrooms? We are only twenty-six minutes into the episode and it’s the third time he has been to them. Apparently someone went into one 30 minutes prior and has not come out. Sayid offers his assistance by forcing the bathroom door open with a powerful kick. Inside? An unconscious Charlie.

• Jack notices that Charlie’s air passage is blocked and he needs something to cut a hole in his neck with. Jack tries to find a pen, reminiscent of season one where he asks Boone to find one, but realizes the one in his jacket is missing. Jack digs his fingers into Charlie’s throat and grabs the bag of heroin. Charlie starts to cough and regains consciousness.

• Charlie is arrested and tells Jack he shouldn’t have saved him, he was supposed to die. Theories on this anyone?

• Jack returns to his seat and finds Desmond missing. Jack asks Rose what happen to him, but Rose says she never saw him since Bernard and she were asleep. Interesting. Desmond disappears as Charlie appears. What’s up with that?

• As the plane is about to land we see the characters preparing for their landing. Sayid looks at the picture of the woman he is going to see. Jin holds the box which contains the watch he is supposed to deliver.

• Before you know it Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 lands. To me this is a moving scene because this was what the characters were wishing for ever since they crash landed on the island.

• The police arrive on the plane and take Charlie away. Charlie gives Jack a dirty look before being taken away.

• John Locke is pushed off the plane in a wheelchair.

• At the airport Kate uses the pen she stole from Jack’s jacket when she bumped into him on the plane to pick the lock on her handcuffs. The US Marshal notices, but Kate manages to knock him out in the women’s bathroom and makes a dash for it. Kate encounters Sawyer on an elevator who helps her past two guards.

• Jack is paged at the airport to be told that his father’s coffin has been lost. The airlines tell him that it was never put on the plane and they are not sure where the coffin is.

• Jin’s luggage is being searched at customs. He is taken away for questioning when the customs officer finds wads of cash hidden away in one of his suitcases. When Sun is questioned if she knows English, she replies, “No English.”

• Kate manages to make it to the taxi stop outside the terminal where she jumps into a cab and tells the driver at gunpoint to start driving. It turns out Claire is also a passenger in the vehicle.

• Jack encounters Locke at the baggage claim center where it turns out Locke’s suitcase of knives has been lost. Jack tells Locke how the airline lost his father to which Locke responds, “They didn’t lose your father. They lost his body.”

• Jack asks Locke what happened to cause him to be in a wheelchair. Locke responds that his condition is irreversible; surgery won’t help him. Jack tells Locke nothing is irreversible and gives Locke his business card for a free consult. The most interesting part of this scene is that Locke is a man of science and Jack is a man of faith, which is the complete reversal of their beliefs.

Group 2 – The Swan Site

Kate awakes at the Swan site to find herself in the branches of a very tall tree. Once she climbs down she encounters Miles, who seems to be suffering the same ringing in the ears effect the Losties encountered while time traveling last season. Kate stumbles upon the Swan hatch in the current, 2007, timeline and finds it destroyed the way Desmond left it at the end of season two. Miles and Kate find Jack lying in the grass. However, the angry beast that is known as Sawyer bursts through the forest and kicks Jack in the face before Jack has a moment to figure out what’s going on. Sawyer screams at Jack for a failed plan which lead to the death of Juliet.

A small distance away, Jin, Sayid, Hugo, and the Dharma van also appear to have time traveled from 1977 to 2007. I’m not sure why the van came along for the ride, but I’ll just go with somebody was in it when the nuke went off.  Hugo overhears Sawyer yelling, causing Jin to rush towards the sound so he can find Jack to take care of Sayid, who is suffering from a gunshot wound. Jin arrives at the Swan hatch where Kate hears Juliet’s scream for help beneath the rubble. The group digs furiously for a chance to rescue her, but come across a beam they can’t move.

At the Dharma van, Hugo is paid a visit by Jacob. Revealing that only Hugo can see him since he, Jacob, was killed by an “old friend” who grew tired of his company, Jacob tells Hugo to bring Sayid to the temple along with the guitar case he has been carrying along. Jacob informs Hugo that he should ask Jin to bring him to the location of the hole in the wall which he visited with the French team.

Jin arrives and takes Hugo, Sayid, and the van to the Swan site where they use the van to remove the beam. Sawyer rushes in and retrieves Juliet, but it’s clear that she won’t live for much longer. After a few shared words Juliet dies in Sawyer’s arms before she gets the chance to tell him what she wanted to.

Sawyer and Miles stay behind to bury Juliet’s body as the rest of the group heads to the temple where Hugo leads them into the hole in the wall. Sawyer buries Juliet and then forces Miles to find out what it was she wanted to tell him. Miles, using his ghost talking powers (man this is starting to sound ridiculous), comes back with the message, “It worked.”

The group makes their way deeper into the construct where they quickly become separated. The whispers reappear and the group gets kidnapped by the temple people. We find the Oceanic 815 flight stewardess and the kids taken from the tail section of the plane to be a part of this group. The Templites? Temple People? Templars! I’ll call them the Templars for now.

Anyway, the Templars look like hippie pirates, which could possibly mean they are the crew of the Black Rock. That is just speculation for now. The leader, a wise looking Asian man, appears from within the temple and orders the Losties to be killed. Hugo tells them Jacob sent them and to open the guitar case. Inside they find a wooden ankh, which when broken reveals a note that says if Sayid dies they are all screwed.

The Templars race Sayid inside to a spring, which one of the Templars notes to be contaminated since the water is no longer clear. They hold Sayid’s body in the spring, but it seems to be too late. Sayid is dead. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The Templars collect Miles and an unconscious Sawyer, who wouldn’t go down without a fight, from the forest and put them with Jack, Kate, Hugo, Jin, and dead Sayid. Hugo is led to see the leader of the Templars where he informs them Jacob is dead. The news of Jacob’s death sends the entire camp into DEFCON 5. One of the Templars fires a huge firework into the air, which is seen by the group on the beach. When the Losties ask what is going on, they are told they are being protected. The episode comes to a close when Sayid rises up from the ground asking, “What happened?” Wouldn’t all of us like to know?

Group 3 – Beach

The internet community seems to be calling the Locke we see at the end of season five Flocke, which I’m guessing stands for Fake Locke. Sticking with the general populace I shall refer to him as Flocke in the recaps till a name is given to this character.

Back inside the foot statue, Flocke is seen cutting a piece of a rug to clean off the blood from the knife Ben used to kill Jacob.  Flocke tells Ben that Jacob is gone. He then orders Ben to retrieve Richard from the beach as Flocke would like to have a word with him. Ben emerges onto the beach and tells Richard Locke wants to talk to him. When asked about Jacob, Ben lies and says that  both Locke and Jacob are alright and that they are inside. Ben then says, “John just… wants to talk to you.”

This leads to one of the best scenes of the premiere where Richard grabs Ben and drags him across the beach saying, “I’m happy to talk with John, but before I do I think you should talk to him first.” Richard then pushes Ben towards Locke’s dead body that Ilana’s crew carried to the beach. The look on Ben’s face is priceless as he gazes upon the face of the man he killed off the island.

Ben returns to the statue, but not with Richard. Ilana’s gun toting guards come in and open fire on Flocke, who disappears behind a pillar. Everything gets quiet for a moment till our favorite smoke monster busts through the front door and violently kills all the guards. Ben stands shocked and turns around to see Flocke standing behind him. Flocke responds, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” So that pretty much confirms that Flocke is Smokie.

Flocke tells Ben that Locke’s last thoughts were, “I don’t understand” before Ben had killed him off the island. Flocke goes on to say that John was the only person who wanted to stay on the island. Unlike John, Flocke “wants to go home.” What on earth is home for a smoke monster?

The beach scenes come to an end once Flocke walks out of the statue with Ben. The group on the beach is uneasy when Richard warns them not to shoot. Flocke approaches Richard and tells him it’s nice to see him without chains and proceeds knock Richard unconscious. Flocke informs everyone he is very disappointed in all of them as he carries the unconscious Richard away.

Richard in chains? Perhaps he was a slave aboard the Black Rock. Just a theory for now, but let us see what happens.

With that I conclude this massive wall of text that I refer to you as the Lost season six premiere. I enjoyed both episodes quite well and cannot wait for what the rest of the season has in store. I promise I’ll try to keep these shorter from now on, but with such a show it seems like every detail matters.

My Theories so far.

- The alternate reality is either a prologue or an epilogue for the show. The events that take place set before season 1 or take place after the events of the island.

I’m trying to keep it simple for now. What theory do you readers have? Leave them in the comments. =)

For another opinion on these episodes, check out This Don’t Look Like LOST by Liz Cooper.

Season 6, Episodes 1 and 2:  LA X (Originally Aired February 2, 2010)

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

I’ll start with how I felt right when the show ended and then work backwards into what actually happened during the show, because let’s face it, time lines don’t matter much in the LOST world. I have to admit that I was less than impressed with the premiere. When it was over I wasn’t blown away and I wasn’t satisfied. I was just confused and kind of felt like I had just seen an episode of Legends of the Hidden Temple, and all that really happened in the 3 hours I devoted to ABC on Tuesday night was that Juliet managed to die on screen about 8 times. It was missing the intense character moments that normally drive the show. I didn’t feel invested for some reason. Granted, this may be because I was trying to analyze every second of film, so it was hard to really get into it, but something just seemed off. The twist of the parallel universe didn’t even make me go OMG, it was more like WTF, but not in a good way. I miss the LOST in the season 2 premiere, when for the first couple of minutes I legitimately thought I was watching a commercial for Sprite, not the typical morning activities of Desmond Hume in the hatch. That is the stuff I miss. I can’t even really pinpoint how that was different, other than how it was engaging and not just confusing, but I’m getting too emotional already so let’s back up.

Side note: I love me some (well, a lot) J.J. Abrams, and his shows are all loosely based in the same weirdo universe (save Felicity but whatever). If you haven’t seen Fringe yet, do it. Having just watched the season finale from the first season, LOST is making a lot more sense. It’s a great show on its own as well, so when you inevitably find yourself starving for some good scifi when LOST is over, jump over to FOX.

Ok, sooooooo that kind of sort of brings me to my first topic: LA X. If you look at the actual title of the premiere, it was LA X, not LAX…and that space actually explains a lot. Having dabbled into some Lostpedia since the premiere, I’ve learned that “X” stands for an alternate reality. I think the key to understanding what is going on with the whole time travel/ changing the future, is that the losties weren’t just traveling through time, they were traveling across realities, and where they all exist in both.  So when they all jump back to 1977 in Dharmaville, they also crossed over into a separate version of reality. Since everything that happened to Dharma people in the 70s already happened in the world where Oceanic 815 crashed, no one can do anything about it. But, somehow by moving the island the losties are able to change what will happen by skipping back to 1977 in universe X. So time travel and universe travel is what’s up.

Based on that messed up logic, once Juliet hit the bomb, they were transported back to Oceanic 815 universe and present day time from 1977 in universe X. So now all the losties are back in the same universe on the island, but in 30 years X universe will prevent them from coming to the island, and Oceanic 815X will land in LA and other stuff will happen. How are these universes going to collide? Why was Jack’s neck bleeding in X universe? Unclear. This is all really unclear. If you are still reading this, I wish I had a sticker for you.

So, back in Oceanic 815 world, I still don’t know what is going on with Jacob/fake Locke/the temple/Cindy the flight attendant. Locke is the man in black from the season 5 finale and he is also the smoke monster. Called it. So the monster mystery is solved and his MO is monster mash with the use of brute force. How does he (don’t call him an it) shape shift? What did he mean when he was talking to Ben that he just wanted to go home? Anyone else cry when he was talking about how pathetic real Locke was?

Jacob. Who knows. My guess is that through the weird baptism/ rebirth of Sayid at the hands of the Silver Snakes and Green Monkeys, he is the new Jacob. And then all the other other others at the temple freaked out when they heard Jacob was dead and sounded the alarm and then the other others on the beach were also freaked from the warning flare just before fake Locke came out of the foot. Also, how does fake Locke (what is a better name for him?) know Richard? How does Richard know him? Why was Richard in chains?

From what Charles Widmore said to Ben way back when, a war is coming (where the eff was Widmore?). One would assume that the war was Jacob vs. fake Locke, but who else would be on FL’s side? Where are Rose and Bernard?

Woof, I’m exhausted. So, with alternate universe X and the dark and light sides (somewhat) established, it looks like this season will focus on free will and how the choices we make create our universe, and since there are multiple universes there is no one set destiny. Meh? And mayyyyybe whenever one of the losties dies in Oceanic 815 world (where they are at the temple now, on the beach, where Jacob is dead, etc.), they cross over into universe X that they created for themselves by detonating the bomb, and putting the island under water… and maybe giving Juliet’s postmortem statement that “it worked” some validity. Her rambling about getting coffee and going Dutch with Sawyer was just weird. But I bet they do that in universe X.

I hope they build another golf course or something next week because this was a lot to take in. I’ll also cry next week if Sayid isn’t really Sayid anymore but just a proxy for Jacob. I didn’t really care at all about universe X this week because I was so distracted by island shenanigans, but maybe that world will turn out to be bitchin and give heart back to the show like how the flashbacks did.

Me brain hurtses no more words to give have got I.

For another opinion on these episodes, check out Lost and Loving It by Bilal Mian.

Season 6, Episodes 1 and 2: LA X (Originally Aired February 2, 2010)

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Mario Perez.

While watching June’s granddaughter’s (Samantha) soccer game, Neal learns that Samantha is in need of a kidney transplant but has been bumped off the transplant list. June was then contacted by Melissa Calloway, from the Hearts Wide Open organization, who stated that for a donation of $100,000 they could find a kidney for Samantha. Neal is skeptical about the organization and interrupts the Burkes’ breakfast, a very entertaining scene, to tell Peter about Samantha. Peter is amused that Neal is bringing him a case and gives him the go ahead to carefully check it out.

Neal sets up an interview with Melissa and Mozzie, June’s “financial adviser,” while he breaks into Melissa’s car to further investigate. However, a cop interrupts, so Neal poses as a prosecutor and gets the cop to open the car for him. Caffrey, you really are smooth! Inside, he goes through Melissa’s paperwork and sees an invite for a tennis tournament.

Peter warns Neal about not trying to “run the show on his own.” The doctors Neal saw in Melissa’s documents all belong to Doctoral Global Initiative, a group based in third world countries. The duo speculates that Hearts Wide Open is using the third world as its own illegal organ bank. They attend the tennis tournament in the hope of finding some answers, and pretend to be DGI doctors. While there, Neal and Peter split up—Peter distracts Melissa, who has taken a liking to him, by flirting, while Neal talks to Dr. Wayne Powell, the founder of Hearts Wide Open. Their suspicions are confirmed when Powell tries to enlist Neal to find organs for him.

After the event, they learn that Powell has kidney disease and needs a specific match. Powell has the perfect cover to search for his new kidney with his fake charitable organization. Peter guesses that there are incriminating records in Powell’s clinic. Neal and Mozzie decide to check out the clinic on their own—with Neal as a doctor bringing in a crazy patient, Mozzie, who thinks he is Bruce Willis. Unfortunately, Neal gets caught in Powell’s office while faxing a list of doctors to Peter. Powell’s crooked associates strap Neal to a gurney and inject him with some sort of drug.

Peter receives the fax and tracks Neal’s anklet to the clinic; he is furious and concerned that Neal is going to go back to prison. Elizabeth gives Peter the idea to call Melissa to get into the clinic sans warrant to find Neal and she actually coaches him through the phone call.

At the clinic, Peter finds a very loopy, weak and loudly singing Neal. Neal begins confessing things like how he stole manuscripts using carrier pigeons and then states, “out of all the people in my life, Mozzie, Kate…you’re the only person in my life I trust.” After this, Peter leaves Neal for a few and returns with the surveillance tape, which will keep him out of jail. Neal says, “Peter you stole that for me?” As Peter helps the drugged Neal out he replies, “Yeah, it’s a regular Kodak moment.”

Neal and Peter need more evidence on Powell so they concoct a plan to make Powell spend the money donated for organs—they trick him into thinking his kidney is failing and Neal, posing as the doctor from DGI, calls him to say he found a match. They “fly” him to India, and pretend Powell had renal failure. Neal convinces Powell to tell him about the bank account and they arrest him! Great ending for Neal’s first case that he brings to Peter!

The episode happily ends with June’s granddaughter being placed back on the donor list and Peter sharing a romantic evening with Elizabeth.

Again, Mozzie is the best and you can always count on a great performance from Willie Garson! His crazy Bruce Willis impression—priceless! Elizabeth and Peter are perfect for each other! It was amusing how she made fun of Peter for his undercover flirting and helped him call Melissa. I’m curious to see if they will work Tiffani Thiessen’s real life pregnancy into White Collar…could lead to some funny storylines!

Not only are Neal and Peter FBI partners but also friends who continue to have each other’s backs. At times, they seem to have an almost brother-like relationship; they poke fun at each other but are always there to help when one is in a tight spot.

Until next week, I’ll leave you with some White Collar banter…

“Look at you bringing me a case.”-Peter

“That’s what us lawmen do.”-Neal

“Woah, you haven’t flirted in the 21st century?”-Neal

“A New Yorker who does not take the subway is not a New Yorker you can trust.”-Mozzie

“I don’t take the subway.”-Neal

“Precisely.”-Mozzie

“You had to flirt? You hate flirting…Please tell me there is surveillance video of this!”-Elizabeth

Season 1, Episode 10: Vital Signs (originally aired February 2, 2010)

For more on White Collar, click here.

Fridays at 10/9c on USA Network

Photographs courtesy of USA and Myles Aronowitz.

On the work front, due to Stern’s dismissal from Locke, Stern, and Gardner, the firm, now Locke and Gardner, has lost a third of their clients. With Will and Diane in make up mode to get new clients to fill the gap, Will takes on the civil case of Colin Sweeny. This move comes to the dismay of both Diane and Alicia. While Diane worries that taking on the case of Sweeny will send other clients heading for the hills, Alicia opposes on such moral grounds as she just doesn’t like the guy. Okay, I kid, I kid… she thinks he killed his wife. But then again, so does the rest of the world. I’m not going to make the obvious comparison here.

Although acquitted in a criminal trial Sweeny is now being sued by his late wife’s daughter over her estate, because of a law saying if you kill someone, you can’t have their money. So Charlotte, the stepdaughter, needs to prove Sweeny is guilty. Meeting Colin Sweeny is hard to describe. I want to call him a jerk but he’s not really. I mean, he’s irreverent, has a twisted sense of humor, uncaring if his actions make others uncomfortable; but these are not sins. In fact they could all be considered to be admirable traits at some point, but just not in Colin Sweeny.

Colin is not an easy client to defend. Aside from his general lack of charm, (that’s the word I was looking for) Sweeny was openly unfaithful to his wife with whom he admittedly had a volatile relationship. This, along with his involvement in BDSM and choking fantasies, makes him fodder for the press and the opposing attorney, Nancy Krosher. Nancy is the anti-Alicia, not that there’s anything wrong with either of them; she’s just the complete opposite. She’s younger, playing up on her “cute perky, twenty-six” with this small town innocent act designed to make Sweeny seem even more, well, smarmy.

On the home front, Peter is in the process of his appeal. Alicia can’t bring herself to go into the courtroom so she stands outside the door for all of the time that she is there. In a private meeting while Peter prepares to come home, Alicia lays out the new ground rules. When he comes home he will be sleeping in the maid’s room and his mother Jackie will continue to watch the kids under his house arrest. Peter looks shocked and upset and asks her if she still loves him. Alicia says that she does but is still hurt, and until things are better between them, they need a plan.

At the appeals, Amber, the call girl, is back. Turns out the mobster that Peter threatened her with was murdered, so Amber is now free to tell her tale instead of selling it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have gone there, but couldn’t resist. She’s just so easy to dislike, which she proves by lying on the stand about Peter while knowing that she was sent in exchange for political favors. Don’t worry, she was caught as Peter’s lawyer provided proof that Peter paid her, so she was either paid twice, in which case why was Peter paying her. Or she was lying.

Anyway, so both of the witnesses brought forth from the prosecution’s side fell through, making Peter’s appeal look stronger. Glenn Childs, Peter’s nemesis and the new district attorney, comes to offer Peter a deal. A get out of jail free card, provided of course that Peter never enter into politics again and never runs against Childs. This would give Peter the return home that he always said he wanted but bar him from politics which his every action seems to point back too. Interesting.

Back to the Sweeny case: the skull of the former Mrs. Sweeny is found on Colin’s property. But just when you think that this guy’s gotten caught, the rest of her body is found on Charlotte’s farm. This, of course, paints Charlotte as the culprit and gets Colin off again and Charlotte is arrested. As she is placed into the squad car, Charlotte proclaims her innocence and says that Sweeny set her up. So, either Charlotte framed Colin, or Colin framed Charlotte, I don’t really know, but I’m inclined toward the latter; as is Alicia, who questions Colin about killing his wife. He doesn’t deny it, but that would be far too straightforward. Instead he gifts Alicia with a painting that was formerly in his home; an anima-esque picture of a woman choking. He says he found it “strangely fitting” for her. Colin leaves telling Alicia she needs to be more trusting; personally I’d just burn the picture.

Season 1, Episode 13: Bad (originally aired February 2, 2010)

For more on The Good Wife, click here.

Tuesday at 10/9c on CBS

Photos courtesy of imdbpro and JOHN P. FILO

What on earth were you thinking? I understand that dragging out a storyline can be a bad thing if you take too many episodes. Sometimes that very storyline can be resolved quickly like you did last night with the Gamma Psi fire arc. However, the repercussions and the way the fate of ZBZ was handled left my mouth agape causing my face to rest in a stupor. I am willing to forgive you for this week, but tread carefully in the future because that is no way to handle a complex story line.

On to the Recap!

As you read above, the ZBZ-Gamma Psi house fire storyline comes to a close in Monday night’s episode. I still can’t believe what I witnessed when it came to handling Casey’s confession of the fire. Casey realizes the burden of the fire is bearing down on the house causing the ZBZ girls to live in a constant state of fear.  On top of the guilt Casey is living with, Catherine appoints her Vice President of Panhellenic due to her “support” of Gamma Psi after the fire. Casey’s first assignment? Investigate the fire and find out who was responsible for it. The burden within Casey builds up to a point where she can’t live with herself triggering her to confess to Natalie, the President of Gamma Psi. Natalie blackmails Casey into giving Gamma Psi the ZBZ house or she will go to cops and blame the entire house for the fire. Casey, fighting fire with fire, investigates the irregularity in the Song-Fest scores and finds out Natalie was sleeping with one of the judges who scored Gamma Psi hundred and ZBZ zero. Casey holds a meeting between Natalie and Catherine and blackmails the Gamma Psi sisters with the revelation of Natalie’s scandal. The Gamma Psis promise not to say anything about the fire as long as Casey stays quiet about Natalie’s romantic endeavours……..

Yes, Casey, please you’re free to go and won’t be in trouble for burning our house down since our sorority sister couldn’t keep it in her pants and slept with a judge. We don’t want our house to look like we trade sex for house points……. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

If you burned down my house I don’t care what acts one member of my house committed. It’s my house damnit! I’m not letting you walk away that easily. Sadly it’s not my house, nor is it my show.

There were quite a few B-plots this week. Nothing too big came out of those. Evan and Cappie get kicked out of the Amphora Society after knocking over the sacred urn over an argument during the first meeting of the semester. Cappie and Rebecca try to seduce the Human Sexuality professor to get the last spot in class. Cappie gives the spot to Rebecca saying he will back off if she stopped seeing Evan, who he believes will eventually lead her down a path of disappointment. Rebecca manages to get Cappie into the class, but tells him who she sees is her own business. Ashleigh and Rusty find each other in the same marketing class. Ashleigh decides to have a Cyprus-Rhodes University Nerd Auction after a sorority girl turns down Rusty. At the nerd auction Ashleigh has her first encounter with Fisher since their breakup over winter break, which causes her mood to turn completely sour. Rusty manages to get Ashleigh’s morale back up after a small pep talk. It’s rare to see a storyline with Rusty and Ashleigh throughout the series, but when they do happen the outcome tends to be one I always like as was the case with this episode.

Favorite Moments From Tonight’s Episode

- Cappie and Rebecca trying to seduce the Human Sexuality professor outside of his car. Their poses struck to impress the professor had me laughing longer than I expected.

- Beaver, upset, tells Cappie he’s sad that he missed the Nerd Auction because he always wanted a nerd of his own. Cappie has Rusty and Beaver wants a Rusty of his own hahahahaha.

In the end this episode is a bit of a letdown with how the ZBZ and Amphora Society storylines were dealt with. It seems the show’s writers decided to cut the head off of the storylines they didn’t want anymore to make room for new ones. While new storylines are not a problem in my book, I would appreciate it if the writers of the show would develop each storyline and end them properly.

Season 3 Episode 12: Pride and Punishment (Originally Aired February 1, 2010)

For more on Greek, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC Family.

Not to sound like drunken Ashleigh from last week, but what is Jake thinking? Not only is Vienna delusional about how Jake is her boyfriend and thinks that he should spend all of his time with her (um, you signed up for a real life version of Big Love: The Early Years), but more importantly, she IS ASHLEY TISDALE. Jake keeps talking about how attracted he is to Vienna and how he had “dirty thoughts” when she made a fool of herself on the two-on-one date by bringing wine to him in bed (vomit). That was the most awkward moment of the evening, edging out how Vienna uncomfortably (literally, they were sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor of a castle) dominated the conversation at dinner and cried… All while looking like Ashley Tisdale. And not to sound like a catty bitch, but what is up with her eye makeup? Has Ali been jumping her and beating here in the middle of the night? Does she not sleep and just doodle Jake’s name on her Lisa Frank notebook while running lines for the next High School Musical? I don’t understand how Vienna is still around. Woof.

As craptastic as Vienna was on the two-on-one date, Gia was all the more perfect. Again, I don’t know how Gia became the front-runner in my mind, but love works in mysterious ways I guess. I wanted to put her in my pocket, or at least stick her in the garden next to my other gnomes, when she was talking about how her feelings were hurt when she heard that Jake did the same cutesy stuff with the other girls when she thought those moves were just “their thing”. Maybe it’s her childlike sense of wonder that makes me love her… like how finding out that a standard guy-move introduced in middle-school isn’t actually a grand gesture of love, yet could still affect her enough to correctly identify an emotion and clearly articulate it. Gold star, Gia! Seriously, I love her. I also love that she is insecure. Maybe that’s sick, but at least I know she isn’t a sociopath, unlike Sharpay.

Moving right along, Tenley was bitchin this week. Mostly because of her cracked out opera singing with Corrie during the end credits, but also her and Jake’s endearingly awkward dancing during the cocktail party. How cute was that?! Ok, maybe not that cute, but cuter than that lame ass fake trolley they took around town. I could see them growing old together since I feel like they already kind of act like senior citizens. Need I point to any specific detail during the Chinatown visit? I rest my case.

Next, Ali was less of a bitch this week. Just by a hair…by her messy, jacked up hair every single week. She must have played sports in college and just gotten used to the wash and go routine? No judgment, Ali, the look makes up for / helps to explain the origin of your aggressive qualities. I thought it was kind of cheating how she got to take Jake around her neighborhood in San Fran, but having the responsibility to plan a date would have given me anxiety, so she gets another point for taking the reins. I also really loved that she and Jake ran into the water with their clothes and shoes on. I think she stole that idea from Gia because it seemed pretty elementary (elementary school kids get silly when they’re drunk, right?), but lovely all the same.

Corrie, you had a good run. Your date was pretty cute except for the awkward lack of mouth-to-mouth on that little row boat. That wasn’t necessarily your fault, and I’m sure Scuttle and Sebastian were somewhere singing to Jake and trying to persuade him to do the manly thing, but I had to look away. Luckily the dinner part of the date was lovely bla bla bla you are gone now and I don’t really care. Except, it was pretty hilarious when she pretended that Ali and Vienna had to go on the two-on-one date, buahaha! Well played, Corrie.

The Enforcer didn’t have such a big role this week, but have no fear! Next week we are meeting the girls’ families and it’s looking like one of them jumps ship. I vote it’s Tenley (tear) because her family thinks it’s too soon after her divorce to be getting into something so serious. We shall see!

I hate you, Vienna.

Season 14, Episode 5 (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on The Bachelor, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and Greg Zabilski.

Chuck has to turn a guy named Manoosh, an even nerdier nerd than Chuck, who dropped out of M.I.T. but has received funds from The Ring. The Ring. The Ring. The Ring. Maybe if viewers keep repeating the name of the organization over and over again, they’ll forget that the writers have no idea who the bad guys are and no concept of what they want. It could work. Chuck thinks he’s on a roll from last week and underestimates how tricky it is to turn an asset. He blows his first chance at the Buy More by coming off as a creepy and an over-eager I-want-to-be-your-best-friend-and-boil-your-rabbit type of guy. I have known way too many people in real life that are just like that.

He tries again at a bar—with considerable help from Sarah—and closes the deal…so to speak. Turns out this guy is building some kind of special weapon for The Ring. We’re supposed to feel sorry for Manoosh under the pretext that he doesn’t know he’s making the weapon for bad people. But honestly, does he just assume that his mystery buyer is really the Easter Bunny? The most interesting part of this plotline is how it stirs up stuff between Chuck and Sarah. She keeps telling Chuck exactly what he has to do in order to turn Manoosh, and since Manoosh is very much like Chuck, Sarah is basically telling Chuck how she turned him. And Chuck has to think about (in the brief quiet moments when he’s not dealing with issues of national security) to what extent Sarah was doing her job and playing a role and to what extent she actually liked (and supposedly fell in love with) him. Sarah has to think about it too.

That stuff is interesting, and Yvonne Strahovski continues to inject little bits of pathos into Sarah. We’re really getting the sense now of how being an agent has damaged her. Strahovski does as much as she can to make the character real and interesting within the very light and broad, MTV-saturated, sketch parameters of the show. As Chuck starts to get better at lying to people like Manoosh and his sister Ellie, Casey starts to approve of Chuck more while Sarah is bothered by it. Yes, Chuck is becoming a better spy, but Sarah doesn’t want that for him. She doesn’t want him to become like her, because Chuck–the way he is now–is the only link she has to a life still touched with a vestige of hope and optimism. Those are qualities you can’t really maintain as a true spy (I’m speaking from personal experience, of course).

The B storyline involves last week’s new arrival Hannah (she’s too nice, I’m already sick of her) and how she is adjusting to working at the Buy More. Jeff and Lester do their usual creepy stalker thing, which is still mildly amusing. Morgan actually seems quite smitten by her -especially since his previous girlfriend was written out of the show to bring the price tag down–and recruits Jeff and Lester to do recon for him. He also starts to realize that Chuck is keeping big secrets from him. He doesn’t know Chuck is a spy (although Morgan is the guy the writers should have picked to become privy to Chuck’s secret instead of Awesome), but if he starts trying to discover Chuck’s other secrets, maybe he’ll learn the big one. That would open up a lot of story possibilities and could add some needed drama and tension to the proceedings.

Highlights include: seeing Casey get wonderfully excited by all of the lethal toys at a big weapons show the gang has to go to and watching him shoot Manoosh an excessive amount of times in a very short period; a nifty laser pen handcuff escape scene involving Chuck and Casey being tied to chairs that recalls similar scenes from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (the Indy movie they should have stopped with instead of releasing that amazingly inane, bloated turd two years ago) and Die Hard with a Vengeance; and seeing Yvonne Strahovski half-naked. Yes, that last one is yet another completely overused plot device in the show but oddly enough I’m not complaining…

Season 3, Episode 6: Chuck v. Nacho Sampler (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on Chuck, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal.

The medical case wasn’t completely shunted aside, though. Daryl Bartlett is a college football player whose big opportunity is coming up when scouts attend his next game. Strangely enough, though, he completely loses it during practice and ends up tackling another player before turning on himself and knocking his helmet repeatedly on his head. Of course, when the team is presented with a case involving a sports player, steroids are always the first suspect. And as it always happens, steroids are almost immediately ruled out. The team is now convinced that all of Daryl’s symptoms point towards cancer, but where is this tricky cancer hiding out?

The culprit this week is melanoma – skin cancer that’s been hiding out on Daryl’s foot.  Although the cancer is treatable, Daryl has still missed out on his chance to be scouted and now his future is left hanging. Sports players, take heed of this warning and always have a back-up plan in case the dream doesn’t come true!

In Foreman World, his estranged brother Marcus has just been released from jail and is eager to reconnect. For his own reasons, Foreman resists but House cannot let such a good opportunity pass and chastises Foreman. “Family is family!” he quips as he hires Marcus as his assistant. We all know House doesn’t need an assistant – he just wants to piss off Foreman and dig up some dirt. And dirt he does dig up, but Marcus defends his brother and quits the job. So Foreman goes running back to his brother, they reconcile, and wouldn’t you know it’s all thanks to House!

The importance of family is tested once again when a soldier comes to visit House. He is being redeployed to the Middle East even though his contract with the military has expired and he needs House to give him a medical excuse to not return to war. His wife is expecting their first child and he just wants to be a dad. House says there’s nothing he can do for him and tells the soldier to either flee to Canada or shoot himself in the foot. Apparently, option #2 seemed more… appealing …. and that’s exactly what he does. The soldier allows his foot to become infected by the bullet wound so that it has to be amputated. I found this subplot to be extremely powerful – more so than anything else in the episode.

But of course, no episode is complete without some Wilson and House shenanigans. First, someone puts an angry possum into Wilson’s bathroom. Wilson is convinced House pulled it as a prank to get him back for not letting him use the bathtub. House denies ever doing such a thing, but let’s face it, it’s hard to believe that. House thinks Wilson has retaliated when the handicap bar near the tub is partially unscrewed and causes House to fall over. And again, Wilson denies any involvement. But now it becomes clear neither man is involved in these schemes when the fire sprinklers go off. “You would never sacrifice the flat screen!” Wilson exclaimed to House and it’s only too true.

Now who would be clever and tricky enough to sneak into the apartment and set up such highly thought out contraptions? Why it’s Cuddy’s boyfriend, P.I. Lucas! Lucas is angry that Wilson and House went and bought Cuddy’s dream condo right out from under their noses. I was wondering when this storyline would come back to haunt the duo! Lucas accuses them of being awful friends and goes off to find Cuddy. We’ll get much more from Cuddy next week when the top woman at Princeton Plainsboro gets her own episode!

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Brotherly Love by Cameron Cubbison.

Season 6, Episode 12: Moving the Chains (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on House, click here.

Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and IMDbPro

House is on cloud nine, as he finds himself up to his cane in human puzzles. Like me, he finds Foreman’s issues the most fascinating. How is he privy to close-lipped Foreman’s personal details? Because Marcus calls House when he can’t get a hold of Foreman. Foreman doesn’t care that his brother is getting out; he doesn’t even go to pick him up and guide Marcus through his first steps as a free man. Probably because Foreman has already done that routine before.

But this is new territory for House. So what does he do? He gives Marcus a job at Princeton Plainsboro as his personal assistant. Why? It might be just to yank Foreman’s chain and drive him nuts as a form of personal entertainment and enrichment. That would be a big incentive for me. Wilson—a.k.a. House’s human Jiminy Cricket—thinks House is, amazingly enough, secretly trying to be nice. He thinks that House regrets having no relationship with his family and doesn’t want to see Foreman—who is like House minus the devil-may-care charisma—go down the same road to nowhere.

Regardless of his true motivation, House makes sure to milk the opportunity for all that it is worth. After Foreman balks at Marcus working at the hospital and implores Marcus to quit and then Cuddy to fire Marcus, House pumps Marcus for everything he can. The greatest tidbit he gleans is that our buddy Mr. Foreman used to be a bed-wetter. Of course, House being House, he wastes no time sharing this with the rest of the class. Seeing the look on Thirteen’s face was pretty damn priceless. Things take a turn for the dramatic when issues relating to the death of Foreman’s mother are put on the table.

Meanwhile, in addition to treating Daryl, House has to tend to a young soldier claiming to see spots. House immediately recognizes the guy’s symptoms as bullshit. House says something like “Let me guess…you signed up, got the clothes, got the haircut but decided to call it off when you saw that your plane ticket to the Middle East was coach.” Actually, the soldier says that he has already been over there…and three times no less. He finished his contract and got his wife pregnant, but then the Army stop-lossed him and now he’s facing a fourth term. He says that before, he was just a guy, but now if he goes back, there’s a chance his kid will grow up without a father. “You’re still just a guy. All you did was get your wife pregnant.”

It’s a little hard to be on House’s side for this one. This guy more than did his duty and managed to make it back three times. He should be done with the thanks of a grateful nation. Hell I’d go in the guy’s place if it meant he could stay home with his wife and baby to be. But then again, that wouldn’t be an option for House, so maybe he was just trying to not give a crap because there was nothing he could do. The guy lost major points when he says that he waited all day to see House because of his cane. He thought House was a Vietnam vet. House is incredulous. “How old do you think I am?” Ouch. House then gives him three choices: tell his wife to get a babysitter, move to Canada or shoot himself in the foot. He wasn’t serious about the last one, but guess which one the guy chooses? Things get more complicated from there. This was a nice, fairly understated way for House to get some social commentary into the episode.

The last subplot involves pranks being pulled in Wilson and House’s condo. Initially they each think the other one is the culprit, but it soon becomes apparent that somebody else is messing with them. If you think about it, it’s pretty easy to know who’s behind it. But it’s still fun to watch and the confrontation is quite memorable.

The episode has an affecting message about family, and the fact that the writers got me to finally feel a smidgen of sympathy or at least regard for Foreman is pretty incredible. The cast also remains top-notch. House is still working like a well-oiled machine.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Family is Family by Stephanie Jaar.

Season 6, Episode 12: Moving the Chains (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on House, click here.

Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and IMDbPro.

“Maybe I deserve this, this nothing. Maybe I earned it.” – Sylar
I swear sometimes these titles say more than the writers really mean them to say. “The Wall” really did symbolize what I felt was the writers plowing at 90 miles an hour into a massive creative wall. SPLAT! After watching Supernatural’s season three mind trap episode (Dream a Little Dream of Me) done ten times better, I was disappointed at this lazy plotline. Everyone was expecting a Peter vs. Sylar showdown after last week, and though things weren’t predictable, I was incredibly bored. Most disappointing was Sylar being demoted to a screeching, crazy person and the ominous, yet anticlimactic revelation that Peter and Sylar would be trapped forever at the beginning of the episode. Yeah, right! It’s not even a teaser when you know you’d bet a trillion dollars it’s not at all likely.

Pan out to see the two enclosed in a dead city by a very tall, brick wall. This reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode, but more like the latter ones that weren’t as good. Their scenes involved no more than a constant cycle of battering the brick wall with a few sledge hammers and Sylar and Peter annoying the heck out of each other. To them, it felt like years, but we were constantly reminded that it was mere hours. It felt like years to me too, guys! There was no showdown and no eloquent expositions. Liken these two to Echo and Alpha in the last episode of Dollhouse, but Sylar’s psycho cure was only half as satisfying. That’s saying a lot. I do commend them for using an interesting way to bend time to their whims, i.e. a major shortcut. To have Sylar repent and rehabilitate all in his mind was smart. I just think that they could have used more exciting ways to shows this to us instead of having Peter and him bash a brick wall. I get the metaphor but still not impressed. So now, Peter and Sylar are teamed up and ready to save Emma. That is if they can get by Eli.

“My dad didn’t shoot anyone. If he had, you’d be dead.” – Claire
Thank you, Claire, for not being 75% brain dead all the time. I remember when you were cool, tossing yourself off bridges and testing your limits. Why test your limits when you almost never use them to DO anything?! You were even more fun than this during the lame season two storyline of Dark Claire. At least you had a gun!

Samuel uses a carnie, with an awesome power of being able to uncover anyone’s memory and project them, to torture his captives. Awesome! Is this at all useful? No way! But that’s why you don’t give a main character such an intrinsically lame power. I wish we got to see more stuff like that this season. The carnies didn’t even have to speak. Just allow them the opportunity to show us some different powers, pure flash and little substance, that you’ll never have to explore ever again. He forces Claire to witness memory after memory, and all are inevitably secrets.

My first issue was why were the flashbacks in black and white. It wasn’t like Noah was 10 and in the 1950s. I guess to finagle the age, black and white was better, but he looked pretty much the same to me. I choose to ignore that this could just be cliched direction, especially since the “Company Man” director returned for this episode. I don’t mind the constant reuse of a tool, but it seemed off here. On top of that, the reason “Company Man” was so good was because it was an origins story we hadn’t seen. It gave us the chance too look into Noah’s past and see why he is the man he is today. Riveting, I tell you!

However, now his past has been rewritten…again. Sure, it’s shocking. but that’s because we had no clue about most of it, much like Lauren’s introduction. It’s frustrating because once again the writers would rather rework the past to their liking than build a story that sustains going forward.  Anyways, Noah had a wife before Sandra who was killed by a special with telekinesis. She was carrying his unborn child, who also died. This man happened to be the first special Noah ever encountered and would also be the reason for his first kill. You see, Bennett goes all renegade and hunts for the man who murdered his wife. He ends up interrogating another guy with powers and is convinced that specials are so unique they must all know each other. So, he holds him at gunpoint with shaky hands, and when the guy tries to use his powers to defend himself, Noah ends up shooting him.

Claire seems pretty accepting of all that she learns. I’m even surprised to see that she doesn’t storm out when she realizes that his marriage to Sandra was practically arranged (ordered by the Company). He swears it was still love, though can anyone ever really believe Noah at this point? It helps that he keeps reminding her that the past is the past. But the breaking point is when she sees Noah over the recent Thanksgiving Day weekend, threatening Gretchen into telling him that Claire was at the carnival. Samuel believes he has won when Claire finally does storm out, but she reminds him that his manipulation can never change the fact that she loves her father, something he may never understand. This is some more recycled garbage because I swear Claire had this exact conversation with Sylar too….my head  hurts because this sucks so much.

WRAP IT UP
On a side note, Lauren tries to reason with Emma after she gets caught trying to steal medical equipment, but Emma stupidly ignores her and turns Lauren over to Samuel. Luckily, it seems like she gets away as I’m sure she’ll save someone in the final battle.

Usually pre-finale shows are action packed and exciting. This one was a major buzzkill, especially after two uneven but unique, recent episodes. I’m not sure how everyone will come together to save the world or save Emma or just save Charlie. Sylar and Peter have to battle Eli out of Matt’s basement to get to the carnival. And Samuel is planning to put on a nasty show in Central Park, but not before putting Noah and Claire in a trailer and burying it. Where is this battle going to even take place?

As long as it’s not in Sylar’s or Matt’s head, I’ll be okay. I’ve never been more excited for a finale, and sadly, not in a good way.

Season 4, Episodes 18: The Wall (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and Adam Taylor

This week was all about Lynne, and revealed a) her true colors in parenting, b) in wine there is truth, and c) plastic surgery makes for even more awkward displays of public emotion. And by awkward I mean horrific.

The episode began with Lynne trying to smooth things over with Alexa by taking her shopping. Things were rocky from the moment Alexa got into the car with her mom and they started talking about the Youthologist incident from the last week’s episode. Alexa tried to tell her mom that she just wanted to talk to her, and not some strange woman about her problems, which Lynne just brushed off when they arrived at the mall. Lynne kept trying to make the point that she loves Alexa and wants what’s best for her, hence the shopping. Alexa kept trying to get though to her mom that she is a terrible excuse for a parent.  I was on Alexa’s side until she started to get a little Lindsey Lohan on us and just calling Lynne a bitch and walking away. It was tragic slash hilarious when Alexa said that all Lynne cared about was selling her cuffs, then dramatically takes it off and chucks it on the table at Lynne. I think Lynne was more offended that Alexa insulted her jewelry line than her worthiness as a parent. Even though Alexa is a brat, she has a point that Lynne is absent and totally out of touch. There is only so much the girl can parent herself after saying things like she wants to be grounded and she wants real limits, and not just talk. Lynne is a push over. Ask her, I bet she will agree with me.

To try and seek guidance about parenting teenagers, Lynne visits her mom and we see where the love of plastic surgery comes from. Lynne talks about how she was a wild child and got through it, which I guess that means she was really good at lying and survived?  But isn’t Alexa supposed to be good?  So why are Lynne’s stories relevant? Blah.

Moving on because there is only so long I can think about Lynne’s face at one time, Gretchen cleared up some stuff I have been wondering about on this episode. I love that Gretchen knows how everyone assumes she is a gold-digging hooker because of Jeff and she finally addressed her finances head on (for a hot second). She talked about the misconception that Jeff left her millions of dollars that she has been living off of, when really she never got to spend the money he left for her, and she lives off her own dollar dollar bills that she made doing real estate during the pre-Jeff era. Now, she is starting a makeup line with the help of her make up artist (?) and she wants to own her own business to make money. Good to know. I also like that G told the other women to suck it because she actually did learn to ride her bike. Where’s your Harley, Tamra, huh?

Speaking of, I think Tamra is missing part of her soul. I couldn’t believe she was throwing away her kids’ stuffed animals when they were crying out for her not to. I get that they are moving and it’s bad to be a pack rat, but come on, aren’t you supposed to keep that crap until it deteriorates from love?

The stupidest and most dramatic part of the episode was of course spurred by Alexis because her world view is just way too warped for her and the surrounding company to function correctly. She has taken on this unwarranted role as the Tamra-Gretchen peace maker, but instead, got to deal with lots of Lynne drama during the cooking party at her house. In the middle of the afternoon. On a weekday.

So, the four ladies are cookin and drinkin in the middle of the afternoon. Lynne drankin in particular. This isn’t college, Lynne, you can’t get plastered in the middle of the day. She was totally glazed over by the time the women were sitting down and being served the food that they just “made” themselves. Alexis tries to stir the Gretchen-Tamra pot up a bit, and somehow (and by somehow I mean thanks to booze), Lynne and Gretchen make the conversation about them. Gretchen asks Lynne about Alexa and Lynne is just a leaky leaky faucet at this point. She gets pissed as hell at Gretchen all over again and is so drunk that I think her face is actually going to melt off or rip open or something. She keeps repeating how Gretchen can’t talk to anyone who has kids until she has them, and then Gretchen says the most nonsensical/ true statement that just because you have kids doesn’t mean you know how to parent them. But because this is Gretchen she says it like “just because you pop a kid out between your legs it doesn’t give you the God right to know how to raise them.” Which makes about as much drunk sense as you can get at this point. Then Lynne is totally off the wall tanked and ticked and starts talking about Barney and how she tries to be a good mom and has no control and it’s hard to raise kids in the OC when there are BMWs all over the place. Why the face?

During this whole crap storm, I love how Tamra is just so happy that this dramatic debacle isn’t about her. It was actually scary to look at Lynne during this process and I don’t know anyone else on this God right planet that cries at that decibel. Gretchen totally came out on top of this one though, seeing as how she didn’t let the beer tears get to her, and for accurately pointing out that Lynne is in fantasy land. Probably multiple fantasy lands depending on the day and medication dosage.

Next week, we are promised the dinner party we have been waiting for!!! Aaaaaaaand Lynne gets an eviction notice. Oh boy!

Season 5, Episode 10: I Can’t Stop (originally aired January 28, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Mitchell Haaseth

One Winner will receive a White Collar Gift Bag containing:

• Cashmere Scarf
• Links of London Leather Credit Card Case
• Thomas Pink Custom Collar Stays
• Stainless Steel Flask
• White Collar T-Shirt

Here’s How To Win (No Purchase Necessary)

1. Post your comments about at least one (1) of our front page articles

2. Email your name, email address and name of the post you commented on to contests@poptimal.com.  Put “White Collar Rocks” in the subject line

Just that easy

White Collar stars People Magazine’s “Sexiest Rising Star”, Matt Bomer. Watch it every Tuesday at 10/9c on USA Network. To solve the hardest crimes, hire the smartest criminal. FBI agent Peter Burke (Tim DeKay) recruits Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer), a charming criminal mastermind, to assist in catching other elusive criminals in exchange for Neal’s eventual freedom. Also stars Tiffani Thiessen and Willie Garson. Become a fan on Facebook, Follow on Twitter, Visit The Official Website to play Chasing the Shadow for a chance to win a new Ford Taurus.

GUIDELINES
Open to U.S. Residents only
Entrants must be at least 18 yrs of age

Season 2 Episode 8: Ference and Double Edge Take Shots At “Up In The Air.”

Show Credits:

Written & hosted by: Ference and Double Edge
Produced & Edited by: Zuberi B. Williams
Venue: Austin Grill (Silver Spring)
Intro: Red Hot Chili Peppers (My Aeroplane)

Leopold Bros. Distillery

Subscribe to Itunes Podcast

(If the show does not play using the link at the bottom of the page, you can download it: Download|Podcast Alley)

T. Dubb is a lover of the arts and enjoys drawing, listening to music, and watching movies in her spare time. Originally from Los Angeles, she currently resides in Davis, CA.

]]> http://poptimal.com/2010/02/jone-dome-up-in-the-air-that-mofos-spiked-w-pain/feed/ 0 7:30 Season 2 Episode 8: Ference and Double Edge Take Shots At "Up In The Air." Show Credits: Written #38; hosted by: Ference and Double Edge Produced #38; ... Season 2 Episode 8: Ference and Double Edge Take Shots At "Up In The Air." Show Credits: Written #38; hosted by: Ference and Double Edge Produced #38; Edited by: Zuberi B. Williams Venue: Austin Grill (Silver Spring) Intro: Red Hot Chili Peppers (My Aeroplane) Leopold Bros. Distillery Subscribe to Itunes Podcast (If the show does not play using the link at the bottom of the page, you can download it: Download#124;Podcast Alley) T. Dubb is a lover of the arts and enjoys drawing, listening to music, and watching movies in her spare time. Originally from Los Angeles, she currently resides in Davis, CA. Movies,,feature,overlay,,podcast Poptimal.com no No http://poptimal.com/2010/02/when-in-rome-the-glass-is-half-full/ http://poptimal.com/2010/02/when-in-rome-the-glass-is-half-full/#comments Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:28:06 +0000 Trisha Huntsman http://poptimal.com/?p=31141 I wasn’t thrilled with having to see When in Rome in the theatre. It seemed like a nice, Friday night alone with a glass of wine rental, to me. Then again, it’s January and it’s slim pickens for decent flicks at the box office. That said, I have to admit – I enjoyed myself.

Beth, a career centered business woman, (Kristen Bell) is unlucky in love but claims to not believe in it, anyhow. She tells a friend that when she meets a man she likes more than her job THEN she’ll take the time to consider something serious. When her impulsive little sister gets engaged to an Italian man she barely knows, Beth finds herself in Rome for the wedding. The best man just happens to be the adorable, sensitive, and available  Nick (Josh Duhamel). They have a couple moments at the wedding, some funny and some romantic, but nothing materializes because Beth sees Nick kissing another woman. Feeling sorry for herself and tipsy from a bottle of champagne, Beth climbs into the ‘Fountain of Love’. This scene is one of my favorites, and Kristen Bell showcases fine comedic timing. She gives the statue in the fountain a good talking to, then proceeds to remove five coins lying on the bottom – saving the tossers from the heartbreaks love would surely bring them. What happens instead is that four crazy idiots – and one hottie – begin showing up in all the wrong places when she arrives back in New York.

First, what didn’t work. I want to start here, because I want to avoid leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth. The three pieces that absolutely don’t work are the four idiot would-be lovers, an odd cameo, and the ending. The four men whose coins she pulls out (with the exception of Nick, of course) are unbelievable characters. One is vain, another relentless, a third annoying, and the last (played by Danny DeVito) is both creepy and a little sad. The worst thing about it though, is when the writer attempts to give them stories other than the part they play in Beth’s life. They don’t need a story. We don’t need to know that one always wanted to be a painter, that one is grieving a divorce, and one is afraid to perform in public. Frankly, we don’t care – and it is stupid to try and force us to care eighty minutes into a ninety minute movie. I give the whole scene where she is getting rid of them a huge eye-roll (also, for bonus points: find the Wizard of Oz reference). Another odd reference is the magician character, one of the suitors. He is played by John Heder (of Napoleon Dynamite fame) and smack in the middle of the film Pedro (Efren Ramirez) shows up as his sidekick. It’s all very Twilight Zone, and frankly tossed me out of the story for at least an entire scene while I tried to figure out what was going on. Then, the ending. It drags out. It’s a romantic comedy, we all know how it’s going to end.  Beth and Nick are going to go through hardships – but come out of it together and in love on the other side. It was one of those *sigh*, they’re together. Wait…let’s try the same trick one more time and accomplish nothing but dragging the movie on another five minutes. Oh, thought of one more…they fall in love awfully fast, even for this type of flick.

That said, the positives. First, Kristen Bell is adorable, funny, and is built for romantic comedy money making fame. She and Josh Duhamal have nice chemistry (if their romance is a tad unbelievable), and he is pretty enough to make us root for him from the start. Seriously, the guy can rock a tuxedo. Third, the supporting cast playing Nick’s buddies (most notably Bobby Moynihan) are good for more than a couple of laughs. And last, though the characters are cliched, it’s nice to have a heroine that’s not into magic and fairytales – one who has succeeded through hard work and doesn’t have to fall in love to feel complete. If you like romantic comedies (and let’s face it, ladies…who among us doesn’t?) When in Rome won’t disappoint. You’ll laugh, root for the prospective couple, and walk out of the theatre with a smile.

The movie is PG-13, but it’s safe for kids. I went with a friend and her twelve year old daughter and nothing made me uncomfortable.

After being assigned this movie to review I scratched my head failing to recall any information on this film. Like all people who need information on a topic, I quickly did a search on the Internet and found it playing only at one theater in a 25-mile radius. Deep within New York City I journeyed, not to find a hidden indie gem, but a film so terrible I can’t help but ward others from seeing it. So much for buried treasure.

Saint John of Las Vegas tells the story of John, a compulsive gambler played by Steve Buscemi, who has nothing going for him, but his job. Self described as “a man with a lot of luck, mostly bad luck,” John left Vegas and ended up where his car ran out of gas, New Mexico. John’s new life has him working in a cubicle for an insurance company. On this particular day John seeks a raise from his boss, but ends up getting sent out on fraud investigation with Romany Maclo’s character, Virgil. The case? Find out if stripper Tasty D Lite, played by the gorgeous Emmanuelle Chriqui, is faking her injuries from the car accident. Unlucky for John, the case brings him back to Vegas, the city he once ran from.

The major problem with Saint John of Las Vegas is the story. Jumping from point to point Rhodes’ pace with the film does not give characters time to develop causing everything to feel rushed. Sarah Silverman’s character Jill, a co-worker of John’s, randomly calls him on his trip and tells him she wants them to be “boyfriend-girlfriend.” The request comes out of left field making me scratch my head on what Rhodes was thinking. Due to rushed character development I found it extremely hard to care about any of the characters. Along with character problems, the films comedy barely had a pulse. Out of many comedic sequences the film had, I only found myself chuckling at one or two. Luckily this film had a ray of light amongst the pile of negativity.

Steve Buscemi’s portrayal of John was the greatest achievement the film had to offer. The acting was spot on down to the motions of what I’d expect from a character like John. There is a scene where Buscemi’s character returns to Vegas and visits a small casino. He takes his daily earnings received from Virgil and bets it on a game of Blackjack. Sadly for John the dealer has an ace queen. John plays two more games, which end with the dealer getting blackjack. Buscemi’s facial expression and body language throughout the scene had me chuckling to myself at how truly unlucky John actually is.

In the end I feel bad for Steve Buscemi. Like John, he was dealt an amazing hand, but what came after turned out to be bad luck. I really can’t recommend Saint John of Las Vegas to anyone. The movie’s vast issues plague the experience causing the moments where Saint John does shine to be overshadowed by novice direction.

With rather impressive stints on critically lauded HBO series like The Larry Sanders Show and Mr. Show with Bob and David in the 90s, Silverman became a fixture in the post-millennium comedy scene, regularly appearing at Comedy Central celebrity roasts and lending her voice to such fare as Comedy Central’s Crank Yankers and Cartoon Network’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Robot Chicken. By 2005, a feature film of her stand-up material, Jesus is Magic, hit theaters with positive reviews, and pushed Silverman closer to household name status.

In 2007, Silverman’s first television star vehicle, The Sarah Silverman Program., debuted on Comedy Central. This Thursday, February 4, marks the third season premiere, and all the eyebrow-raising debauchery and brazen absurdity is as alive and present as ever, much to the relief of fans who have waited 14 months since the second season ended.

The Sarah Silverman Program. focuses on Silverman playing an awkward ne’er-do-well, and quite possibly sociopathic, version of herself. Her “character” is unemployed and constantly mooching off her younger sister (played by her real-life older sister Laura Silverman) and her husband (Jay Johnston). Happy couple and neighbors Brian and Steve (Brian Posehn and Steve Agee, respectively) are also included in Sarah’s bizarre day-to-day antics, some of which have included getting an AIDS test out of boredom, and attempting to marry her dog.

During a recent press conference call with Silverman to discuss the third season premiere and the new ways upcoming episodes have found to test the boundaries of common decency and make us laugh with callow disbelief, Silverman was gracious and forthcoming when pressed for information.

“Aggressively stupid goes a long way,” Silverman said with a chuckle, regarding the creative process she and her colleagues follow when coming up with ideas. Despite her reputation to deliberately “shock” people with the controversial content of The Sarah Silverman Program., she insists, “We never go, ‘What can we tackle this week?’”  Rather, Silverman said, she and her team simply focus on what makes them laugh, and what makes sense within the frame of the storytelling model.

“We aren’t more beholden to shock than story,” she said assuredly. “We never go for shocking if it isn’t funny for us.”

With two seasons under their belts, Silverman said she and her fellow writers and actors are using the third season to explore more concerted production tactics not unlike filmmaking; in fact, further growth and character arc are a clearer presence, especially in the eighth episode in which Silverman said Steve and Brian are given a plotline likely to elicit tears from loyal viewers.

In addition, the third season premiere has a “more cinematic tone” in itself, according to Silverman. After such an ample hiatus, she said it was important to give the dedicated audience “something special”.

However, don’t think Silverman and her crew have completely abandoned the ludicrous, farcical tone that made the show a success right out of the gate. A few things to look forward to this season? For one, Andy Samberg will guest-star as Silverman’s childhood imaginary friend resurfacing as an adult and, according to Silverman, engaging in a “lusty affair” with his former sandbox partner. Also, Ed Asner as a Nazi war criminal, Silverman (the character) making an appearance on Real Time With Bill Maher, a tyrannical new mayor of Valley Village whose platform threatens the union of Brian and Steve, and actor Billy Crudup will stop by along the way to join the festivities.

Silverman is both aware of and grateful for the further success The Sarah Silverman Program. has given her, which includes praise from the industry she never saw coming. In September 2009, Silverman was up for a Primetime Emmy award for Best Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. When asked if the nomination changed the expectations she and her colleagues had concerning the future of the show, Silverman replied by saying, “We’ve always had high expectations,” but only in terms of creative satisfaction, not professional accolades. In fact, the morning the nominations were announced, Silverman, unaware, slept in and awoke to numerous congratulatory messages on her phone, unbeknownst to her.

The Sarah Silverman Program. will surely continue to delight its depravity-hungry fans throughout the long-awaited third season, those of whom can also catch up on previous episodes when Volume Two of the second season is released on DVD February 9. Cable channel Logo will also re-air episodes, a partnership Silverman said saved the show.

“I know the gays belong to Kathy [Griffin],” Silverman said with a grateful laugh, referring to Logo’s target demographic, and Griffin’s most rabid fan base, “but [without Logo] we would not have had a third season.”

Don’t miss the third season premiere of The Sarah Silverman Program. on Thursday, February 4 at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

For more television coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Comedy Central, Electric Artists, and Vince Bucci.

The Dollhouse series finale takes place in 2020 and is a sequel to the unaired episode of the first season, “Epitaph One.” In the last Dollhouse episode, Echo/Caroline discovered that her former handler Boyd was actually the great evil architect of the Dollhouse and facilitated Topher’s development of technology that could remotely turn any human on the planet into a doll. Even though Echo/Caroline defeated Boyd and blew up parent company Rossum’s headquarters, apparently it wasn’t enough to stop the technology from all but destroying the world.

In the future, chaos reigns as most of the human race has been turned into doll/zombie people, and there are only a few people who still remain their human selves. They are called “Actuals” and are the target of these zombie dudes. If you didn’t see “Epitaph One,” which is entirely reasonable since Fox never aired it, you’ll be a little lost, as I was until I decided to watch it after all. Echo is traveling with two other Actuals named Zone and Mag. Oh yeah, Echo is actually in the body of a little girl named Iris. Echo backed up her personality at the Dollhouse prior to the events of this episode as a safety measure. The real Echo is M.I.A., but this one is doing the best that she can. It’s eerie to hear Echo’s very adult thoughts come out of a little girl. Cool concept.

Bad news: Caroline/Iris, Zone and Mag are captured by a group of mysterious baddies while trying to find the mythical Safe Haven. These guys work for Rossum head honcho Harding (who also is in a new body) and are about to serve their prisoners for lunch. But Ballard reveals himself to be one of the prisoners, and he’s exactly where he wants to be. He knocks the crap out of Harding and Echo bursts into the room and rescues Caroline/Iris, Mag and Zone. Harding sees Echo and asks her “Did you ever think that if you hadn’t cut off Rossum at the head, the tech might have never gotten out of control? Echo’s response: she shoots him in the head. My kind of woman.

Also here is Topher, who after discovering that he was the unintentional architect of the destruction of the free world, has gone a little bit Looney Tunes. Echo, Topher, Ballard, Caroline/Iris, Mag and Zone head to this farmhouse where Adelle, Priya and her son (that’s new) T live. Echo explains that every day that Topher didn’t do what the Rossum villains wanted him to do, they’d execute an innocent human being in front of him. So that also contributed to his bonkers factor. But Echo believes that he might be able to reverse the process, resulting in anyone with “active architecture” being reset and reverting to their original personalities with no memory of the last few terrible years. Yay! I can’t think of a better solution.

Tony arrives with a bunch of stout-looking dudes and they’re all ready to help. The complication: Priya and Tony have been on the outs for the last several years, since Priya wanted to raise her son away from all the bad crap and make him as sheltered as possible, while Tony continued to fight the good fight. I guess I can see both points of view, but I have to side with Tony on this one. Oh yeah, Ballard and Echo are on the outs as well…though I never really understood why they were on the ins (is that the right term?) in the first place.

Regardless, everyone gets to go on a little nostalgic road trip together back to the Dollhouse, because apparently that’s where the technology is that Topher needs to do his thing. I’m going to stop here because the episode takes some pretty wild turns that I don’t want to spoil. Suffice it to say that we get some epic battles involving slow motion and Echo blasting a shotgun, a major character bites the dust, another gets to do some Armageddon-style climactic self-sacrifice, Adelle and Echo hug at one point (gasp!) and Alpha returns but is totally…different. It’s a wild and creative episode that wraps up the series satisfactorily but also leaves some loose ends to play with.

I’m sorry Dollhouse is gone. While I was often critical, the last half of this season was really pretty spectacular. But maybe Joss Whedon will do the smart thing now and develop a project for cable. He just isn’t a good fit for the networks. He’s too creative, too out-of-the-box. But rumor has it the president of FX is trying to woo him right now. Personally, if I had any money to give Whedon, I’d encourage him to whisk Nathan Fillion away from Castle (temporarily of course, because I enjoy that show) and put a Serenity sequel together. I know I’m not the only one still wishing for one…

Season 2, Episode 13: Epitaph 2: Return (originally aired January 29, 2010)

For more on Dollhouse, click here.

Fridays at 9/8C on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro.