The Emmy Awards: Quick and Painful

LOST lost. Big time.

Despite the fact that Jimmy Fallon was hilarious and Modern Family took home the Emmy for best comedy, LOST didn’t win anything so I hated the Emmys. I’m heartbroken and reeling all over again as I’m forced to accept that the series really is over, and maybe everyone really didn’t love it as much as I did.

Before I share my sorrows, let’s run through the highlights of the night as quickly as the presenters gave out the awards:

Breaking Bad: What are you? Who are you? Apparently this show is going on its fifth season, and I have no idea what it is, but Bryan Cranston won for best actor (aka Matthew Fox did not), and Aaron Paul won for best supporting actor (aka Terry O’Quinn was robbed). I still think of Bryan as the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, and I have no idea who Aaron Paul is, so I’m less than impressed.

Comedy winners for acting: That’s right, Edie Falco, you aren’t funny, and your feigned surprise/modesty is annoying. Amy Poehler is actually the funniest woman on the planet, and Parks & Recreation became pee in your pants funny during its second season–so again, robbed. And, Jim Parsons, really? Who are you, what is your show? Glee’s actors should have dominated these awards, even though I don’t think it is totally fair to throw comedy and musicals in the same category. I can swing a joke, but that doesn’t mean I can sing out loud without clearing a room.

Archie Panjabi: I really love you, but your speech was the worst. The Good Wife is an awesome show (even though I stopped watching after 6 episodes, how did that happen?), and I have loved Archie ever since she played the annoying sister in Bend It Like Beckham, but who gets up there and says, “thanks, this award will be great for my career”? They aren’t even serving booze at this awards show, so I don’t know why she would be that honest. I wanted tears and funny speeches. This is not a networking event, Archie.

George Clooney: Dream boat. George definitely deserves the crap out of that Bob Hope Humanitarian Award. He told us to keep the spotlight burning on issues that are important even after the media (liberal fascists!) gets distracted by another Duggar baby. But really, a tip of the hat to Mr. Clooney. I’m going to go donate blood now. Or something.

Temple Grandin: I should probably watch this made for HBO movie because it was winning left and right. I will try to ignore the fact that I can’t stand Claire Danes since she stole Mary Louise-Parker’s baby daddy.

Best Variety show: RIP The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. Hopefully Conaw will kick The Daily Show’s ass next year…even though I really think The Daily Show is the best thing on TV. So torn.

Bucky Gunts: Got the most hilarious introduction for his win as director of a variety, musical or comedy special (or something along those lines). Ricky Gervais is the second most hilarious person in the room after Amy Poehler. I wonder if the beers he brought out from backstage really were non-alcoholic?

LOST: Ghost times sad cat.

I’m still not ready to talk about LOST ending, hence why you never saw a review of the finale from me. Truth be told, I laughed the entire finale and was so disappointed that even my homemade Dharma beer couldn’t console me. However, there is no denying that LOST is the biggest thing to happen to TV since the clicker. It had such an amazing ensemble cast (please ignore most of season 2, I’m talking to you Nikki and Paulo), great story lines, and was all around bitchin. Now, I admit that my perception of how good the show was in its final episodes, let’s get real–seasons, was definitely clouded by my unwavering obsession with the concept of the show and unrequited love for JJ Abrams.

But still, I think LOST deserved legit recognition for being such a cultural phenomenon. You cannot deny that Matthew Fox and Terry O’Quinn gave unreal performances this past season (even though the stuff they were forced to say was stupid and repetitive most of the time). You also cannot deny that in the grand scheme of things, LOST was the best drama this year. You could not walk down a street the week of the finale without overhearing people mumble “4,8,15,16, 23, 42″ to themselves. Even if the actual season wasn’t that great, I was so affected by this series ending that I think it deserved its name to be etched next to the words “drama” on that GD Emmy. This show actually interfered with my daily life as I pondered the fate of the flight 815 passengers and the Others and struggled to accept that it was all over, and that it didn’t live up to my expectations. For a show to connect that deeply with viewers (I know I’m not the only one, I read the message boards), it definitely deserved to win the Emmy. I don’t care if that makes me lowbrow. I’ll take Mad Men any other year, but 2010 will always be the year LOST went off the air and made the lives of people who watch TV a little less fulfilling.

Was that dramatic enough?

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Photographs courtesy of ABC.

The Bachelorette Review: Double Rainbow Minus One

It’s been a few weeks, and Ali and Roberto are still together. Pop the champagne!

When last we left, it was a long time ago. Let’s overlook that and set up the scene that was the biggest letdown (and my most inaccurate prediction) in Bachelorette history:

Frank: Out of the picture. Even though Frank wasn’t in the finale, he really was because Ali was probably projecting him all over the place. Let’s get real, Ali wanted him to be the last man standing, but Frank got confused and thought he was on The Bachelor when he went back to Chicago. To give everyone a little refresher, Frank wanted to have his cake and eat it too (ok that got a little too suggestive, sorry) and went to visit his old girlfriend because he was feeling conflicted about Ali. To clarify, he wasn’t really conflicted about Ali. He was head over heels for her, but he should have never gone on this show in the first place because his heart was never in it. The ABC team really needs to do some better background checks. Frank didn’t seem conflicted at all when he checked in with his ex-girlfriend to be sure that she was still in love with him, and didn’t think twice about getting back together with her and essentially cheating on Ali. That girlfriend needs to grow backbone. Poor form all around in Chicago. Clearly I don’t have strong feelings on the subject or anything…

I don’t know if ABC, Frank, or even Chris Harrison is to blame for making Frank fly all the way out to Ali to go through the emotional abuse of letting her know the terrible news in person. She fell apart like a sad bunny. This was the only time in my history with Ali that I think she was justified in her pouting and her temper tantrum. She cried, Frank cried, she said everything any self-respecting girl would (he was a liar, he was selfish, why couldn’t he have just brought this up earlier bla bla bla). Even though I was a little in love with Frank, I realize my foolish ways and see that he was pretty much a dbag. So good for Ali, even though I still think she wanted it in the end. Also, I dislike Frank even more for not showing up for The Men Tell All, and despise him for canceling on After the Final Rose. Cardinal sins of Bachelor. Frank sucks.

OK moving on to the actual finale now…

Chris and Roberto: If I had to guess at the beginning of the episode (and you bet I did), I could have sworn that Roberto would be left standing alone at the end, but all would be well because he would be the next Bachelor. Case closed. I also thought that Ali and Chris would have an amicable breakup after the finale aired because even though they loved one another, Chris didn’t look very gifted in the kissing department and they could only ever be intimate as friends. I was very wrong as it turns out.

I’m going to throw it out there, Ali is the weirdest Bachelorette that has ever been chosen. Not because she “broke all the rules” or because boys were treating her poorly on the show, but because she seemed way too…unstable? Not ready to be engaged? I still strongly dislike the fact that she uses the line of being a career driven woman when she quit the one job she probably got straight out of college to come on this show. I’m not saying she isn’t ambitious, I’m just saying that’s a little weird. Also weird, the fact that I really don’t think she likes her family? I know that her parents split when she was little and that her grandma had a huge role in raising her, so maybe that has thrown off the family dynamic? It was just weird and after the bizarro family moments I still thought Chris had it in the bag.

Cut to Roberto and Ali’s last date. They had romantic kissy time in the water as per usual and then Roberto made her a gift with a note in Spanish (of course) and I was still fairly certain that he was going to be standing alone because he is that nice, too perfect guy that is always left alone on the Bachelorette because “something” was missing. Judging from all these failed relationships on this show however, I am beginning to suspect that that “something” is a habit of treating women poorly and being selfish. Which maybe seems intriguing after a few weeks of dating (?) but turns out to be a disappointment within a year (See: Jillian and Ed).

But Chris didn’t have that bad “something,” he seemed to have all the perfect Massachusetts Somethings that Ali and her bad hair have been waiting for since she left home. Even though I think Ali and her need to find a man at the ripe old age of 25 is weird, I still thought Chris was perfect. He still is perfect and I’m not above looking up prices for flights to Cape Cod. So after Roberto and Ali’s hot and heavy date, she shows up to Chris’s bungalow door in ragamuffin clothes hours before their final date. She is a stuttering mess and I think she had an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids covered in Pixy Stix before going to see him based on how fidgety she was, but she finally gets it out that she isn’t going on this date today and isn’t having him come to the final rose ceremony, because she knows she is in love with someone else. Ok, I guess Ali is a class act by realizing that Chris and his puppy-dog heart were going to get more invested and he would be seriously heartbroken and devastated on national TV when she let him down… but it still seemed crappy to let him go before having a final date when Roberto got one. I guess she was just that sure? She didn’t want to pull a Frank to test her feelings? I give her this one, I wouldn’t want to see Chris cry more than is necessary.

What was necessary was crying when that rainbow appeared after Ali gave Chris the boot. Earlier in the season Chris told Ali how before his mother died, she told him to look for her in rainbows, and then he seemed to notice them all over the place. What does it mean? Does Chris Harrison have more pull than any of us ever realized? It was very touching and I don’t care if that is corny. Boom.

So the final rose ceremony was definitely not the most dramatic in Bachelorette history, and Ali looked like a too tan, extension version of Belle from Beauty and the Beast (Chris would have made that movie come to life if she had picked him, grr). For a split second I thought that Roberto was going to tell Ali that after all this and really getting in touch with his emotions, he realized that he wasn’t in love with her. But no twist today folks, he got down on one knee, proposed and Ali accepted.

I couldn’t have been more wrong on this finale and they seem to still be going strong, so who knows. If Chris becomes the next Bachelor, 1. I don’t know if he can handle the emotional toll, and 2. Where do I sign up?

Season 6, Episode 11 (originally aired August 2, 2010)

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Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Matt Klitscher, and Rick Rowell.

SATURDAY, 14th

MEET THE FOCKERS: Prepare yourself for the Little Fockers in December… ready or not, they’re coming! (8pm/ABC)

The Bachelorette Review: Taxidermy Tea Party

If only she hadn’t gone into the basement.

This week Ali met with families in Florida, Massachusetts, Illinois and Creeptown USA. I feel like I am about to be harsh on Kirk, so let’s just get it out of the way.

Kirk: I will miss you. Kirk really was great and nice and cute and had a great back-story and cute ginger features, but I think Ali got freaked out on the hometown date. Even though she broke down and cried to the guys during the rose ceremony and tried to reassure Kirk that his family isn’t what threw her off, me thinks it had a little something to do with it. Kirk took Ali home to Green Bay, WI and first brought her to his dad’s house, who immediately took her into the basement. Oh boy. I think Ali handled her shock pretty well? She was kind enough to look in the freezer at the critters and Popsicles that Kirk’s dad collects, and then they had a lovely conversation amongst friends.

Then Kirk and Ali went to his mom’s house to meet the women in his life: granny, mom and sister. OK. Kirk’s mom may have shocked me more than the taxidermy. She looked like she was in a 1980s high school movie? I think she was wearing skinny jeans. And had highlights. And braces. And I think Ali stole her lipstick later for the rose ceremony. Without being a superficial ahole, I do think his mom was lovely too. She opened up about Kirk’s illness and showed Ali the livestrong band that she wore up until Kirk went to LA and she realized it broke off her wrist in the middle of the night (fate? night terrors?). Too bad Ali and Kirk aren’t going lovestrong. Ha. I thought they were adorable and compatible so I don’t really know what happened here. But then again I really didn’t want Ali to let any of the other boys go, soooo yeah. Another strike against gingers. Sorry, Kirk. Date me.

Roberto: I know that you are gorgeous and I know that I should love you, but I just can’t get that into you, Roberto. I mean, he is a baseball player, he is super cute, he speaks Spanish, he is pretty… he is Kiptyn. I’m calling it now that it probably comes down to Roberto and Chris, and something is just missing with Roberto. He is too perfect and I think Ali loves that, but he isn’t necessarily right for her. I hate that I’m taking this so seriously.

Chris: Marry me. I am in love. It’s official. Chris is a dreamboat and I almost can’t stand it. His dog is amazing, his house is amazing, his dad is amazing, his brothers and sisters-in-law are amazing (and apparently winos, yessss)…they couldn’t be better. Only two reservations: 1. How much does he really like Ali vs. how much does he want somebody to love? My heart broke when he talked about how his brothers got to show off their girls to their mom and he will never get to do that. But then again, he does seem to be rather into our little ragamuffin, soooo yeah. And 2. Where did he learn to kiss? I hurts my face every time I see him make out with Ali. Oh dear.

Frank: Who dressed you this week? Frank was looking rough but his family was bitchin. He was a brat on the boat and he overanalyzes everything and needs to chill out. I think Ali likes him the best because she seems the most insecure with him…but that might just be because he is sketchy. I think that if she had to pick someone right now, it would hands down be Frank, which pisses me off about how he is going to become a total assclown next week. Prediction (that I think I already wrote about, so oops sorry): Frank broke up with some chick a while ago, they have been on and off for years and he believed her to be his soul mate. Then he applied for the Bachelorette and was genuinely excited when he found out it was Ali because he had a crush on her from when his mom used to make him watch episodes with her, and he couldn’t get out of it because he lives at home. He got to LA, legit liked Ali, started getting weird possessive because he really liked Ali, then started getting freaky at home because he didn’t know who he liked more. Before the romantic getaway after hometowns, Frank is going to be an idiot and see the ex because his emotions are driving him nuts, and then he is going to be torn. This can go one of two ways. One: He makes out slash does more with the ex, but then realizes that he wants to be with Ali, but she is pissed about the betrayal. Or two: he realizes he wants to be with Chitown lady, and breaks up with Ali leaving her heartbroken and pulling out her extensions in Tahiti. Are they even going to Tahiti? Can’t remember, it’s a blur. But it won’t matter because it’s going to be an emotional train wreck.

So there we have it, we finally get to see the crazy ass episode we’ve had to watch previews for for about a month now. Prepare yourselves. I bet Chris Harrison has to step in.

Season 6, Episodes 8 (originally aired July 12, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of Rick Rockwell and ABC.

The 62nd Primetime Emmys: Hot, Fresh, and Not That New

The Primetime Emmy Awards are trying everything they can think of to get you to tune in.

In case your September looks a little full (you know…with the return of Sunday Night Football and all), no worries! This year’s Emmys are scheduled to air August 29^th on NBC—nearly a whole month earlier than “usual.” And just in case you were worried about making it to work on time the morning after because of never ending thank-you speeches (sans a ‘Ye-like component)—no worries! The 62^nd Primetime Emmys will air live telecasts in all time zones. Really don’t know what a DP does? No worries! The Emmys pre-game will take care of that to get you invested in the crews just as much as the cast. And while you’re contemplating another excuse, no worries! The Academy appears to have watched some of the shows normal people watch this year, too.

Or at least they finally got tired of hearing we-the-lowly-eyeballs’ mouths.

Believe it or not, NBC’s critically successful 30 Rock, The Office, and Monk may actually be given a run for their statuettes this year. Glee (FOX), Modern Family (ABC),  and Nurse Jackie (HBO) are the newbie shaker uppers in the outstanding comedy category. Outstanding drama isn’t seeing too much competition, but The Good Wife, starring Julianna Margulies on CBS, is touting a solid 9 nominations.

Interesting thing about these newcomers, though: None of the contenders for the top awards are all that new to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

Edie Falco, star of Nurse Jackie, and Margulies already have a set of wings. Modern Family co-creators, Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd have been here and done primetime, too. While Glee proves to be the greenest kid on the block, even Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy have made repeat touchdowns on the Emmys red carpet via their cable hit, Nip/Tuck, winning Best Makeup in 2004. (Ok. So maybe you don’t bother to mention you won makeup on the cover of your DVD sets, but you get the point…)

The Primetime Emmys, the Guilds (SAG, WGA, DGA), and the Golden Globes are a few of the award granters who bother to fancy television and we who consume the medium. Given that each organization’s respective voting bodies are comprised of working entertainment professionals and their peers, it certainly helps if your favorite television shows have already made the rounds of the most coveted industry awards’ inner circles.

But as the 62^nd Primetime Emmy Awards look for some love for their own broadcast, shows people do watch and scripted newness they might care to watch if green-lighted are, arguably, fleeting among the nominations. Judge for yourself!

In the meantime, I’m hoping for the day when handing out accolades to quality television isn’t dependent on the Industry’s pre-sorted batch of recyclables.

But until then: GO, GLEE!

Here are the contenders for the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards:

Best Comedy Series: Curb Your Enthusiasm; Glee; Modern Family; Nurse Jackie; The Office; 30 Rock

Best Actor, Comedy: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory; Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm; Matthew Morrison, Glee; Tony Shalhoub, Monk; Steve Carell, The Office; Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Best Actress, Comedy: Lea Michele, Glee; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, New Adventures of Old Christine; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Toni Collette, United States of Tara

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Chris Colfer, Glee; Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family; Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jon Cryer, Two and A Half Men

Analysis: Blame it all on my own cynicism, but I love a well-scripted jerk. So Neil Patrick Harris, and as you’ll see in a moment, Jane Lynch, can have my nonexistent vote over and over again for being [not-exactly-a-doughnut] holes par excellence.

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Jane Lynch, Glee; Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock; Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men

Analysis: Sue Sylvester changes lives with her snark. That being said, I need to see Jane Lynch clench the supporting actress award, and I need Kristen Wiig to be better categorized. She definitely deserves an Emmy–especially coming from an SNL generation whose casting gets more and more skewed toward (not-so-funny…*cough, ahem) testosterone every few years. However, don’t we categorize SNL as ‘variety’? Yeah. Thought so! Go ahead. Create the category! Wait. That’s right, you can’t because, what’s that you say? There aren’t enough women in variety television. Oh.

Guest Actor, Comedy: Mike O’Malley, Glee; Neil Patrick Harris, Glee; Fred Willard, Modern Family; Eli Wallach, Nurse Jackie; Jon Hamm, 30 Rock; Will Arnett, 30 Rock

Guest Actress, Comedy:Christine Baranski, The Big Bang Theory; Kathryn Joosten, Desperate Housewives; Kristin Chenoweth, Glee; Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live; Betty White, Saturday Night Live; Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock; Jane Lynch, Two and a Half Men

Analysis: Betty White will win. Remember I said so.

Best Drama Series: Breaking Bad; Dexter; The Good Wife; Lost; Mad Men; True Blood

Best Actor, Drama: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights; Hugh Laurie, House; Matthew Fox, Lost; Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Best Actress, Drama: Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer; Glenn Close, Damages; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights; Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; January Jones, Mad Men

Best Supporting Actor, Drama: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad; Martin Short, Damages; Terry O’Quinn, Lost; Michael Emerson, Lost; John Slattery, Mad Men; Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age

Best Supporting Actress, Drama: Sharon Gless, Burn Notice; Rose Byrne, Damages; Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife; Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

Analysis: Alas! Is that…(rubs eyes) a woman of color?! WHOO! GO, ARCHIE! I didn’t forget about you, Modern Family! Nor you, Men of a Certain Age! I simply neglected to realize until this far down in my list, just how scarce your melanin is, on this, the SIXTY-SECOND occasion of this awards series.

Guest Actor, Drama: Beau Bridges, The Closer; Ted Danson, Damages; John Lithgow, Dexter; Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Dylan Baker, The Good Wife; Robert Morse, Mad Men; Gregory Itzin, 24

Guest Actress, Drama: Mary Kay Place, Big Love; Sissy Spacek, Big Love; Shirley Jones, The Cleaner; Lily Tomlin, Damages; Ann-Margret, Law & Order: SVU; Elizabeth Mitchell, Lost

Reality Competition Program: The Amazing Race; American Idol; Dancing with the Stars; Project Runway; Top Chef

Reality Show Host: Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol; Tom Bergeron, Dancing with the Stars; Heidi Klum, Project Runway; Jeff Probst, Survivor

Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Colbert Report; The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; Real Time with Bill Maher; Saturday Night Live; The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien

Analysis: Let’s be serious. Of the years Conan has been on television, the Emmy statistics don’t count him as an eligible “variety show” until this year. O’Brien, I hope you’re practicing all those parting shots to the networks that played you for crazy.

Variety, Music, or Comedy Special: Bill Maher ‘But I’m Not Wrong’; Hope for Haiti Now; The Kennedy Center Honors; Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction; The 25th Anniversary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Concert; Wanda Sykes: I’ma Be Me

Miniseries: The Pacific; Return to Cranford

Made for TV Movie: Endgame; Georgia O’Keeffe; Moonshot; The Special Relationship; Temple Grandin; You Don’t Know Jack

Actor in a Miniseries or Movie: Jeff Bridges, A Dog Year; Sir Ian McKellen, The Prisoner; Michael Sheen, The Special Relationship; Dennis Quaid, The Special Relationship; Al Pacino, You Don’t Know Jack

Analysis: Probably sounds lame, but I don’t have HBO. And it’s a shame, too. I might just have seen all this, clearly, quality television I’ve been missing out on. Thank you, Emmys, for telling me who I should be watching!

Actress in a Miniseries or Movie: Maggie Smith, Capturing Mary; Joan Allen, Georgia O’Keeffe; Dame Judi Dench, Return to Cranford; Hope Davis, The Special Relationship; Claire Danes, Temple Grandin

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie: Michael Gambon, Emma; Patrick Stewart, Hamlet (Great Performances); Jonathan Pryce, Return to Cranford; David Strathairn, Temple Grandin; John Goodman, You Don’t Know Jack

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie: Kathy Bates, Alice; Julia Ormond, Temple Grandin; Catherine O’Hara, Temple Grandin; Brenda Vaccaro, You Don’t Know Jack; Susan Sarandon, You Don’t Know Jack

The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Sunday, August 29 at 8/7c on NBC.

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Photographs courtesy of Fox, ABC, CBS, and Showtime.

The Bachelorette Review: Not Looking Good.

And no, I’m not talking about Ali’s hair for once.

1. Jake and Vienna are donezo. 2. Jillian and Ed have broken things off. 3. It looks like Frank has a girlfriend and called this game of a love the C word this week (competition). Chris Harrison, fix thisssssssss.

This week on the Bachelorette, Ali was in a funk for most of her dates and not nearly as drunk as she should have been for them (except for Roberto’s).

Roberto: Got the first date in Lisbon and the two of them took pictures and just walked around the city and got kissy face and danced in the streets. Well, Roberto danced while Ali was like a child dancing on people’s feet at weddings, but it was very cute. And I’m obsessed with the skirt she was wearing. Next, the two went to a castle to have a little picnic in the sunset and Ali got appropriately sloshed. Good girl. I think Roberto is a sure bet for the final two at this point, but I think he is going to be the one she lets go because he is kind of too good to be true (see: Kiptyn).

Ty and Frank: Got the two-on-one date. Awk town. Ali was a space cadet and the boys just commented about how awkward the date was the whole time. I guess that is better than acting like you are in a scene from Big Love, right? During some alone time, Ty told Ali some story about expectations for a new wife, and I still don’t get it. Does he want a woman to work or not? He seemed to support whatever she wanted, but he just isn’t my cup of tea.

I take back what I said about Ali not drinking enough on the dates this week, because I momentarily forgot (blacked out?) how drunk she was when Frank told her that he still lives with his parents. I don’t think she was really listening, but it was incredibly cute. Then they got in a tree and Frank asked if she wanted to live in a tree with him and I melted. Beyond me how Ali didn’t fall out of that tree though. It’s ok, she probably wouldn’t have been able to feel it anyway. I am in love with Frank and I don’t think I’m ready for the bomb he is going to drop in a few weeks.

Kirk: Ali was not really there on this date. She and Kirk did some stuff that wasn’t interesting or fun, and she just pouted and looked off into space. Since Kirk isn’t an idiot, he knew something was up and asked Ali about it. She said that she just had a lot on her mind and couldn’t focus. Feeling really good about himself in that moment I’m sure, Kirk was a total gentleman/dream boat and told Ali that he was really into her and that he wanted her to meet his family because he was genuinely falling for her, not the idea of her. When Ali pouted some more, Kirk was a word wizard and told her to never feel like she wasn’t good enough, because he used to think that too before he got sick, but now he knows that he deserves to be happy, and basically is deserving of Ali. Ok I might be falling in love with Kirk too now. Except his name should be Kurt or Kit or Kirt. Maybe not the last one because I made it up but he just doesn’t seem like a Kirk. Bob Ryan?

Chris: Had me worried this episode. Ali seemed very concerned that their relationship was moving too slowly and she didn’t know if she had feelings for him beyond friendship. They took a scooter ride to a winery that was hilarious. Chris is a terrible driver and expressed concern over killing the Bachelorette en route to the booze. In a painful metaphor, Ali said that the scooter ride was kind of like their relationship, moving too slow, so she took the wheel (handle bars?) and hit the gas. They made it to a winery where Ali hoped Chris would open up more. Umm 1. Hasn’t he already opened up a bunch? About his mom? His tattoo? His family? His job? His values? 2. Good thing never-ending wine tastings have a tendency to produce leaky faucets and potential beer tears.  All this to say I don’t know why Ali is giving him such a hard time about being open and relationshipy. But I will say Chris is far more charming and relaxed and nonawkward (yeah, that’s an awkward made-up word) in his interviews than he is with Ali. But who cares if he is awkface or slow or whatever, that bracelet that he gave Ali was so cute and legit pretty and well thought-out. This one is a keeper.

Rose Ceremony: Ty is the worst. Ali looked surprisingly bitchin, so of course she had to ruin her outfit and her hair by walking Ty out to the limo in the rain. Ty was in the bitter barn and Ali couldn’t wipe the pout off her face. Ty was pretty much a jerk in the limo and said that Ali made a mistake and would realize it sooner or later. Kind of like your ex-wife did after she married you, Ty? Bam!

Bonus: Vienna and Jake. Whoa. This was trashy TV at its finest.  I feel like an informed viewer having read both the Vienna-Tell-All in Star, and the I’m-Classy-Interview-by-Jake in People, but I really can’t decide who I like less after this one. Chris Harrison is the best life coach in the world, but even he couldn’t stop this train wreck. Vienna is terrible and spoiled and annoying, but Jake is a serious jerk with rage issues. If you haven’t watched the reunion smack down, I cannot possibly do it justice. Check it out. No one cares about the dog.

Next week: hometown dates! Taxidermy! Heartbreak! Scripted emotional drama?! Can’t wait.

Season 6, Episodes 7 (originally aired July 5, 2010)

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Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of Rick Rockwell and ABC.

The Bachelorette Review: Ding Dong, This is a Mess

First of all, I don’t think ABC meant to show that epic preview for the rest of the season after this week’s episode.

Second of all, things never end well when Chris Harrison randomly shows up to your hotel room. I’m ready to be proven wrong, Mr. Harrison…wink.

This week’s episode was choc full o’ drama from the beginning. While Ali was tending to her dreadlocks, Chris comes to her hotel room in Turkey and she is immediately weary. Chris sits her down and tell her that Jessie (mousy girl from Jake’s season) has called with some upsetting information about Justin. He gives Ali Jessie’s phone number, and Jessie, who conveniently has a camera crew in her house, answers looking like one of those late-night call girl centers (what are those actually called?). She tells Ali that Justin is a liar, and knows that he has a girlfriend, and–bonus!– she is sitting right next to her. I guess everyone in Canada knows each other? Jessie hands the phone off to Jessica, who stole Snooki’s hair style, and proceeds to tell Ali that the only reason Justin is on the show is to get famous. His plan was to make it the final three, then leave and come home to marry Jessica. Jessica inarticulately got the message across while fighting back/forcing out some tears and saying random sentences like, “Justin has another girlfriend, I know because I took him to the hospital.” What?

Ali was shocked even though no one else was. She was clearly ready to give Justin a piece of her mind, so she and Chris marched to the boys’ hotel room and Ali  got to the point pretty quickly and pretty sassily (yeah I just made that word up, it should exist). After calling out Justin, he hobbled into his room to grab his man purse, passport, and wallet before leaving the room and trying to escape. Props to Ali for not going totally psycho and throwing things/swearing compulsively. After Justin tried to escape Ali’s wrath by entering a buffet in the hotel restaurant (denied) and wading through a fountain and a garden, he finally teetered back to have some words with Ali. He tried to deny that he came on the show to beef up his career but couldn’t seem to get out of the lie that wasn’t with Jessie. He then pitifully tried to give Ali her rose back, which he probably just grabbed from the hotel garden, but she wasn’t buying what he was selling. After being a total tool, Justin was off. In a brilliant editing segment by the producers, we got to hear the multiple messages that Justin left Jessica while he was on the show saying how much he loved her and couldn’t wait to get home and marry her. I love Jessica more than words can say for keeping those. Woof.

The rest of the show’s drama was in the ten minute preview at the end of the episode, so let’s quickly run through the rest of the guys before getting there.

Ty: So over you. He got a one-on-one date that seemed to happen fifteen seconds after Justin left. They went to some Turkish baths and Ali wore a carpet as a bikini and they just got touchy and kissy face. Then at dinner Ty seemed to say that he is divorced because his ex realized she wanted more out of life than taking care of a household, and ambition is not what he wanted in a wife. But then he noted Ali’s ambition and said it was something he liked about her or something he had to learn about and grow from or something stupid. Red flag, Ali. Run for the hills! He shouldn’t have gotten a rose but he did so what can you do.

Craig: I think you are great. Even though he and Ali had zero chemistry, Craig dominated the Turkish wrestling challenge to win some alone time with Ali where he made funny jokes and she tried to lean back as far as gravity would allow in order to not make physical contact with him. I think that really sucks. He should have gotten the one-on-one date this week instead of Frank, or Ali should have sent him home some other time if she knew she wasn’t into it. But I think Craig is hilarious and nice and he can feel free to marry me anytime he wants.

Kirk: Lookin good.

Roberto: Ditto.

Chris L.: Which is more accurate, pre or post transformation? A rose is involved in both stories here. Fate?

Frank: Oh boy. I am clearly in love with Frank, but I was very disturbed by tonight’s previews. I loved his date with Ali this episode and though that wherever they ate dinner was maybe the coolest, most romantic location in Bachelorette history. Yeah, I said it. He genuinely seems into her and pretty much my soul mate. With all that said WHAT IS GOING ON?! So the minisode preview showed that Frank makes it to the hometown date and to a trip to Tahiti. Then it shows that he immediately sits Ali down to have a chat as soon as he gets to the island. Then they are both crying hysterically and she is all “Why didn’t you tell me this beforeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” I think that Frank takes Ali home, then during the time between the home town date and his sexy-time date, he meets up with an ex-girlfriend that he has never really gotten over. In fact, I think that he signed up for the Bachelorette because he was reeling from a bad breakup and was into Ali when he saw her on TV. So I think he genuinely likes Ali, but I think he is in love with some chick from Chicago that everyone is going to hate in a few weeks. Crap.

Those are my predictions from the insane preview and an in-depth analysis of In-Touch Weekly. I think that Ty will get kicked off next week, and then Roberto, Kirk and Frank go to Tahiti. This is going to be awesomely intense. Also, Ali goes CRAZY with her hair when she is crying about Frank. I feel for her though, so I don’t know if I will be able to make fun of that tumbleweed when the time comes, and I just had to get it out my system now.

Season 6, Episodes 6 (originally aired June 28, 2010)

For more on The Bachelorette, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of Rick Rockwell and ABC.

Q&A: Nikki Blonsky’s Going ‘Huge’

Monday, ABC will further redefine its Family brand with the premiere of, Huge, starring Nikki Blonsky (Hairspray, Queen Sized), Hayley Hasselhoff, Harvey Guillen, Ari Stidham, Raven Goodwin, Ashley Holliday and Andrew Caldwell.

Blonsky leads the ensemble cast as blue-streaked rude gal, Will—short for Willamina—whose parents have shipped her off to fitness camp to relieve their own discomfort with their daughter’s weight. Likewise, the other six teens that come to characterize the series are being burdened with the same guilty expectations that are hard to find loving.

If you’ve pegged Nikki to the always-butterflies-and-sunshine, life’s-a-musical-so-sing! aura she emanated in her Hairspray debut, think again. (However, there was that one time with a certain ANTM gal that may have clued you in…)

The 21-year-old Blonsky, who is content to be plus size and fun size (she towers at 4’11”) talked ‘Huge’ on and off the small screen and how jaded she really isn’t by Hollywood standards.

“I just adore her,” Blonsky says of her character. “Like Will, I’m not as naïve as Tracy,” she says of her inaugural spin on Hairspray’s Turnblad.

“(To Tracy) the world was amazing, and everything was so fresh and so clean and I wanted to make the world a better place—and I still do. I still hold that quality of Tracy in me,” she shares.

“But I’ve been around a few years now, and I’m a little smarter. I get the game now. That’s where I connect with Will,” Blonsky says. “I see through people.”

When asked how she felt about parents who might pull similar stunts in real life, Nikki is clear. “I think if the kid comes to the parent and says, ‘You know, I really want to go and lose weight. I heard about this camp….’, then that would be okay. I think if a parent is sending a child, it’s in some way sending a message to that child that they’re not good enough the way they are for that parent,” she says.

“I was told that I was beautiful at home,” Nikki says. Only when she arrived at school did Blonsky begin to question her appearance. “But there’s no worse fear, I believe, in my heart than not being good enough for my parents.”

Beyond the series, Blonsky discussed her personal vision for the future of actors in Hollywood who happen to be plus size.

Nikki tells Poptimal.com, “I’m hoping that we get recognition for our acting skills, rather than just being called plus-size actors or a community of plus-size people, we’re a community of actors.” She points to the success of Academy Award-winning actress Mo’Nique and her own Golden Globe nomination as evidence of the possibilities. “Talent, I think, always will prevail.”

At present, Blonsky shares with Poptimal, Hollywood is still looking for the plus size actor who’ll take the joke—and these days that’s not as much a problem for the guys as it is the girls. The prevalence of Seth Rogens and Jonah Hills only corroborates the observation.

“I think there are way more roles for plus size guys than plus size females right now, which kind of stinks for us girls,” Nikki shares. “They’re looking for the punch line, they’re looking for the joke and for those funny guys—and with the girls, it’s a different story.”

As part of the ABC Family campaign around the Huge premiere, Blonsky shares her own words to live by: “Living huge is being yourself. You only get one life, so enjoy it. Just have fun. Live and let live. That’s my motto.”

Start living ‘Huge’ this Monday, June 28^th at 9PM/8PM Central on ABC Family.

For more television articles, click here.

Images courtesy of ABC Family.

The Bachelorette Review: Faldende i kjærlighet

That means “falling in love” in Icelandic.

Just kidding! It’s Norwegian.

First of all BREAKING NEWS on Jake and Vienna. Who saw that one coming? Besides everyone. I love that that is from the Washington Post.

Now moving onto Ali, who — even if she doesn’t end up with anyone at this point — I say won the whole Vienna vs. Ali battle.

Poems: Note to self — if ever interested in being on the Bachelor, have a prepared song/poem/vow to share in front of everyone on TV in order to minimize embarrassment. I hate that the guys had to write poems to Ali and present them to her in front of everyone. This isn’t some coffee shop with slam poetry on Monday nights from 7-close. If she wanted poems, the better thing would have been for the guys to write them out and then she reads them, alone, and has to pick based upon the content of the poem who gets the date. Writing a stupid Cat in the Hat poem and reading it out loud in the blistering cold to Ali’s ugly extensions is no one’s idea of a good time. The particularly painful performances came from Chris N. and Kasey. Chris N. has the personality of a doorknob. He looked like a deer in headlights the entire time. I also don’t understand why the guys were standing so far away from Ali on the bench to read the poems, which leads to the other disaster of Kasey’s reading. What on earth was he saying? The producers couldn’t even come up with semi-coherent subtitles. Talking fail from Kasey, once again. No one could understand what Kasey was saying this time, and I’m pretty sure he was the only one that didn’t use any Icelandic words in his poem.

Kirk: Won the poetry humiliation and got the one-on-one date with Ali. Whee! Aww, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaa– Ali’s noises are infuriating and I couldn’t hold off putting that out there for another second longer. She is like a cartoon character/tween that is in pain/pouting in reaction to everything. Woof. Anyway, Kirk and Ali were actually pretty cute with their matching sweaters and feeding geese and stuff. Kirk’s big history mystery was really just that he got super sick at college when the house he was living in was lined with asbestos and mold, effectively ending his career as a runner and messing up his entire body in the process. Tough break, for reals. Ali made some annoying noises in response to Kirk’s health problems, but then turns it around into a positive by noting that his new positive nature and outlook on life is what she finds positively lovely about him! Everybody wins!

Group Date: This date seemed pretty bitchin. The group rode horses (ponies? dogs?) around on a glacier to this cave, and then descended down to do a little exploring before going to this heated lake or something. The whole day was pretty much a man-off between Ty, the cowboy, and Chris L., the gentle giant. Frank was having a pity party for himself the entire time because he doesn’t like to share Ali, and she noticed that he is pretty much nonexistent on group dates. Oops. The date got more fun at the lake thing where Ali proceeded to get wasted and got kissy face with Chris (still looks like a bad kisser? She said she doesn’t necessarily feel “romantic” with him. Uh oh. Why am I still in parentheses?). After commenting about how the rose was like the rose from Beauty and the Beast (uhhh, ok), she gave it to Ty. Whatever, he will be gone next week I’m sure. Not into it.

Justin and Kasey: Awk face. Justin and Kasey of course got the two-on-one date to the utmost discomfort of everyone involved– except maybe Justin because he is quickly becoming the worst Canadian I know. Again, they got to do some pretty amazing stuff, like take a helicopter ride to the exploding volcano, Kyasfiuwehflkjwef (made that up). Justin took this opportunity to show his true colors of being a total dick by talking about how he was going to manipulate Kasey and then equated Ali to a wrestling belt, aka the prize. Someone is wayyyy too into the competition aspect of this show. The rest of the date was pretty uneventful other than an ice cave with candles and Kasey being left on a glacier after showing Ali his ridiculous tattoo. I hope he does find someone that needs her heart guarded and protected. Or at least monitored. Side Note: Kasey kept talking about how this experience has changed him, but how has he really been changed other realizing a tendency to do stupidly impulsive things?

Rose Ceremony: Ali got drunk again. Her hair. Her hair her hair her HAIR for the love of God someone help her get it together. This cocktail party was actually pretty funny. I still have no idea what Chris N. has been doing here past the first night. Ali tried to crack him and ask him what people may find  surprising about him. He said that he is funny in a monotone without changing the expression on his face, then said that his “quirky thing” is that he likes Mexican food. He then seemed genuinely surprised to be kicked off. This guy is a mystery to me. Other than Chris N. being a total weirdo, Frank was pissy but then made kissy face with Ali and realized that he has to try harder in group settings to show Ali how much he likes her. Craig was funny with a fake tattoo on his wrist, and then Chris Harrison played psychiatrist with Ali and told her that he thinks that she is afraid of letting go and falling in love. So wise, Mr. Harrison! Love him.

Next week it looks like Ali will stay in her love shielding shell because someone (JUSTIN) is going to betray her and do something “unspeakable.” But then they are going to talk about it for the rest of the episode, so don’t worry. Can’t wait to see him hobble away. I hope someone trips him. One for the gag reel!

Season 6, Episodes 5 (originally aired June 21, 2010)

For more on The Bachelorette, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC.

TUESDAY, 22nd (Week of June 20 – 26)

WIPEOUT: Oh, happy days! Wipeout is back! I guess it’s going to have to be good enough since ABC canceled “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” (8pm/ABC)

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