What if Derek and Addison stayed together?  This scenario is presented, along with some much more implausible ones.  Let’s be honest, even if you made a different choice in life, that wouldn’t change the essence of who you are, would it?  Maybe it would.  Before she started dreaming, Meredith thought: what if my mother had never been sick?  Ellis Grey was a world-class surgeon, before she was stricken with Alzheimer’s.  Last Thursday’s episode showed what it would be like if Ellis Grey remained in her prime.  In Dreamland, Ellis and Richard are married and Meredith is Richard’s stepdaughter.  As a matter of fact, her name is Meredith Webber, not Grey.  How bizarre!  Owen and Callie are married, and Alex and Meredith are a couple.  Kepner is one of the cool kids, and Charles Percy is alive! I loved it.  The episode also showed hints of how some things were always meant to be.  Even though Owen and Callie are married, she and Arizona make a connection over shared surgical success.  There is a faint glimmer in their eyes as they look at each other, but of course their lives don’t allow that connection to develop.  Owen is still shell-shocked from the horrors of war, but we see what it would be like for him with a different support system in place.

It was most interesting to see well-established characters acting completely differently.   Miranda Bailey and Derek Sheperd are two of the most ambitious, brilliant doctors at Seattle Grace.  Could you imagine them being meek, passive, and underachieving?  This parallel universe shows a timid Bailey who is too afraid to confront Ellis with an oversight she made in a patient’s evaluation.  Ellis is arrogant and pushy, and her influence remains unchallenged.  She and Richard display favoritism towards Meredith, even offering to bump her rival Cristina from a surgery in order to give Meredith the opportunity.  That’s right, Cristina and Meredith are rivals and enemies, not “besties.” 

Unbeknownst to Meredith, her fiancé  Alex is cheating on her with Kepner.  When Cristina spitefully spills the beans about the affair, Alex’s golden ticket of marrying Ellis’ daughter is ruined.   The episode ends with Meredith and Cristina sharing a drink and becoming unlikely friends.  Despite the fact they are operating in an alternate reality, we see that maybe Cristina and Meredith’s friendship would have happened anyway, even if other circumstances were different.

In “real” life at Seattle Grace, Derek is an ambitious doctor and a loving, supportive husband who maintains clear professional boundaries between himself and his wife.  In Dreamland, he is the opposite.  He’s a skilled surgeon, but a petty individual who is mean to his wife Addison, even though she is pregnant with their baby.  Instead of nurturing and supporting her, they bicker constantly.  His face is covered in stubble and he looks like a burnout.  As a matter of fact, the residents don’t call him McDreamy.  With his sour disposition he is known as McDreary, a gloomy Gus who sucks the joy out of any room.

I think it’s a difficult task to keep a venerable series like Grey’s Anatomy fresh and new.  I’m satisfied with the strong writing and character development I continue to see each week, and I don’t think the show needs to resort to gimmicks to keep loyal viewers like me interested.  Having said that, I appreciate the writers’ willingness to play around with different ideas and have fun.  We all have wondered “what if, “ at some point in our lives.   What if we had taken the other job, or gone to the other school, or chosen the other guy.   Can we change destiny, or are some things going to happen no matter what?  It was nice to see the writers shake things up a bit.  Keep up the good work ABC!

Season 8, Episode 13: “If/Then” (original air date February 2, 2012).

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC and Vivian Zink.

Fans of Body of Proof will recognize Mouser as Lacey Fleming, the formerly estranged teenage daughter of the brilliant but emotionally distant, Dr. Megan Hunt (played by Dana Delaney). Recently, Poptimal got the chance to catch up with the young actress in the midst of filming the back half of the show’s second season and in our interview the multi-talented star talks with us about her new Disney Channel movie Frenemies, an obsession with vampires, and what it’s like for her character to grow up among the dead.

She’s only 15 years old, but Mouser already has an impressive credit list behind her with roles in a number of TV series including Eloise, Life is Wild and NCIS as well as a number of movies. And this winter, Mouser added another network to her list working for the first time with the juggernaut of teen/tween television the Disney Channel in her new movie Frenemies.

Revolving around three groups of friends who dance along the fine line between friends and enemies, Mouser took on the dual role of lookalikes Emma and Savannah. When talking about her role, Mouser tells us how she didn’t actually think that she’d get the part. “When I did the first audition they only had me read one of the characters and not the other one. I was kind of disappointed because I thought I didn’t do well and started to question everything.”

But it would be at a later callback where she would get a last minute surprise that could potentially lock her into the role, “I was sitting in the call back room and they said by the way while you’re reading over it we’re just going to throw in, Emma has a British accent now.” A new twist to the game, but little did they know that Mouser was tailor made for this twist thanks to her love of Harry Potter as well as some help from her siblings. “My sister’s obsessed with British people who do vlogs, video blogs, so she talks in a British accent all the time as a joke and my brother’s friend Calvin talks in a British accent so I kind of had that down.” And the rest, as they say, is history.

Keshaunta Moton for Poptimal.com: What did you first think when you read the script for Frenemies?
Mouser: I thought it was really cute and I was really excited about it. A lot of things changed for me from the script that I got, to the script you guys saw on screen but I loved it all the way through since I first got the opportunity to read for it.

Poptimal: How was it for you acting in it and then watching yourself on screen?
Mouser: It was weird because when I was acting in it I could look at the other person and know that it wasn’t actually me standing there, it was my double. But watching it on screen there was like two of me, it was weird. I didn’t feel like I was actually watching me.

Poptimal: How was it working on set?
Mouser: It was a lot of fun. It was a totally new experience for me because I’ve always worked with adults so working with Disney, working with kids my age was totally new for me. It was a lot of fun, especially getting to play double characters and I got double the time getting to do what I love.

Poptimal: Do you think you’ll do more with Disney?
Mouser: I’d love to get another opportunity to do something like it.

Poptimal: If you had the chance, what Disney Channel show would you like to step into?
Mouser: Good Luck Charlie, I love that show. I think it’s the cutest Disney show. I love it so much, but of course to this day, I’m fifteen years old, but I’m a total Disney girl. I love everything about Disney.

Poptimal: How do you relate to the concept of Frenemies, is that something you’ve had to deal with in your personal life?
Mouser: I’m always careful to pick the people around me who really are there for me all the time, but I think every friendship has fights. I’ve definitely experienced little fights here and there because when you become really close with someone you can’t agree on everything. So it becomes easier to vent your feelings with the person when you’re closer to them. There does tend to be little fights here and there, but real friendships will power through it.

Poptimal: What would you do if you discovered you had a secret twin/doppelganger?
Mouser: I think I would probably have her switch places with me, a really simple thing, and just see how it went; if people believed it. I always wonder would my friends question it, would they think that that was me? You never really know. You know that your best friends know you but what if there was someone who looked just like you and they didn’t see it coming? What would they do? I think that would be really cool to find out.

Poptimal: You’re also on Body of Proof, can you tell us about that?
Mouser: I get to play Dana Delaney’s daughter on the show and it’s a huge thing for me. It’s my family. I was there on set yesterday and every time I walk on the set I find something that I love even more than I do the day before. I’m getting to do what I love every single day; it’s a huge deal for me. And the cast, they’re hilarious. They like to tease me with my vampire obsession. It’s fun and it’s a happy atmosphere that I’m so lucky to be a part of.

Poptimal: What do you mean by vampire obsession?
Mouser: I was kind of a huge Twilight fan, and still am. I also love The Vampire Diaries and pretty much anything of that genre. And so Nick [Bishop] loves to put on his best Edward impression and tease me about my love for sparkly vampires.

Poptimal: Is his impression good?
Mouser: It really is, actually. I told him he should do that voice as Peter sometimes, it would be hilarious.

Poptimal: How do you feel about Lacey’s progression as a character?
Mouser: I’m really excited about it. She’s become a lot like any teenager would be and more and more like me. It’s just really exciting because I love getting to be someone else, pretend to be someone else, be this character, this person that you created but I can still relate to Lacey in a lot of ways and that’s really exciting to me.

Poptimal: In what ways do you relate to Lacey?
Mouser: I think Lacey is growing up, she’s becoming more mature and handling more grown up things like I do on set, where I’m working with adults. Even when I’m working with other kids you have to be professional, you have to be ready to go on set and do your job and have fun with it at the same time. So Lacey’s growing up and becoming more mature and learning to handle all that stuff.

Poptimal: What do you think about the change in Megan and Lacey’s relationship?
Mouser: I think as this season has shown and as you see in the relationship, they’re always going to be who they are. They’re never fake to each other. They’re family, you know. They check each other. That’s who they are. I like that we’re becoming a little more open with each other and Lacey’s leaning really hard on her mom for support. She’s slowing but surely becoming more forgiving of her mother for everything that happened in the divorce from her father and she’s starting to lean on her and go to her for support which is great.

Poptimal: What’s been your favorite storyline/moment of the past two seasons?
Mouser: My two favorite episodes would have to be episode 2.06 and the second episode of season 1. Both episodes I got to be a part of the medical examiner’s office. And I just sort of step in and act with all the characters and see the dead bodies and things like that, it’s really fun for me.

Poptimal: The dead bodies?
Mouser: It’s a little crazy, right? It’s fun and it’s exciting and getting to see the behind the scenes kind of stuff is awesome. It’s really, really cool.

Poptimal: But there are no actual cadavers, right?
Mouser: No, they are not real dead bodies. A lot of them are actors and that’s really funny because they end up filming sometime and they’ll be doing an autopsy and the body is like snoring. And they have to wake him up during the scene. Imagine performing an autopsy on someone and going, “Oh yeah, they’re alive.”

Poptimal: Maybe I’m just a little squeamish.
Mouser: I was kind of freaked out seeing dead bodies walking around, but when you get to talk to them they’re completely normal people. You’re totally into the story and the tragic thing that happened to this person, and you’re like, “Wait a minute, no. This is completely a live person I’m talking to.”

Poptimal: What’s your inspiration as an actor?
Mouser: I’ve had a lot of inspirations growing up and acting, like the people that I look up to and it changes as I get older. I look up to now especially Dana [Delaney] because I get to learn from her so much, but also other actresses who are young actresses like Emma Stone and Ellen Page. I look up to them in a way that I want to have a career like that. Even people like Betty White. I want to be acting my whole life.

Poptimal: How did you first know you wanted to be an actor?
Mouser: I was 5 years old and we were on vacation in Pennsylvania and there was an open call. My mom’s friend lived there and she was like, “You should go in, they’re looking for a five-year-old girl,” and so we did. I ended up getting the photo double for Abigail Breslin in Signs. And from that moment forward, my parents were like, “Do you guys want to do this?” and we said yes so they got an apartment in New York and we just kind of started out there and got our agent and manager and they’ve been with us ever since. They told us to come out to California. And now we’re here.

Poptimal: What else do you have coming up?
Mouser: I’m finishing up season two of Body of Proof. We’re on our last episode right now for the season, so I guess I’m just giving my best shot at things I have coming and keeping my fingers crossed and praying for a third season for Body of Proof.

Poptimal: Can you give us a little tease?
Mouser: You see a little bit of who Lacey really is as she opens up to her mom, and who she’s becoming which I think is really fun and you start to kind of get into her head.

Poptimal: What do you like to do when you’re not working?
Mouser: I love to sing; I also read and write anything, literally anything. I would write a full page of nothingness just to write. And I’m learning guitar right now which I love.

Poptimal: What do you enjoy most about acting?
Mouser: There are a lot of aspects about acting that I find fascinating. I guess one of them would be becoming someone else because you get to create this entire personality. I mean, you grew up your whole life and you have memories, and you have favorite memories and favorite foods and favorite colors; things that you can completely create for this whole new person that you’re going to become and I find that really exciting. Even if you just have one scene in a TV show, one episode, you still get to be this person. And also I love the mechanics of it. I love getting to learn about the sound department and the camera and ask questions of everyone learn all about it.

For Mary acting’s in the blood, having both a brother and sister in the business. So, are we going to see a family reunion on screen someday? That’s the plan. “It’s something we’ve always dreamed about and talked about,” Mouser tells us. “I think it would be really fun to be able to do something together.” How about a musical? “My sister and I love to sing,” Mouser admits although stating that while it would be fun to do Broadway that’s quite a departure from what she’s used to so she’s going to leave that to more capable hands, “my sister is the one. She loves anything that involves acting and singing at the same time. From big theatre productions to a Hannah Montana kind of role is her dream.”

Mary Mouser’s Favorite 5:
TV Show: Doctor Who
Vampire: Edward Cullen
Song: “The First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes.
Memory: “For Thanksgiving one year my sister, mom, and I went to Disney Land overnight and we woke up super early and went to Disney Land in the morning. It was so much fun. Disney Land’s like my happy place so that was definitely a fun memory for me.”
Book: Twilight or Harry Potter, though special shout out to The Hunger Games

Thanks Mary for talking with us. Catch Disney Channel for the next airing of Frenemies. Body of Proof airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on ABC.

The gaggle of girls were put up at the relaxing W Retreat and Spa, however, the residue from the Courtney-Emily feud of episodes past could still be felt throughout the entire island. In a private interview, Courtney reiterated the situation by telling us that Emily was still on her shit list, she’s “dead to her” and my personal favorite Courtney quote, “You better check yourself, bitch.” Why wouldn’t Ben want to marry this gem?

The first date card arrived with a special message for Nicki that read,“ Let’s find new love in Old San Juan.“ The perky brunette could heave a sigh of relief but the rest of the bachelorettes continued to hold their breath until the remaining date cards would arrive. Ben picked Nicki because of her easygoing demeanor and playfulness which he admired most about her. The date was going off without a hitch as they strolled the streets of San Juan until a massive rain storm exploded over their heads and drenched them. A little rain is sometimes romantic but it was to the point where it just wasn’t cute anymore, so as a plan b, the two stopped off at some local clothiers to buy some authentic island gear. Although Ben had an all-white ensemble picked out to show off his “Latin swagger” he wound up looking a lot more like an old Florida retiree. Geriatric tendencies aside, love was certainly in the air that day when the two witnessed a grandiose wedding at an old chapel and later shared a bottle of wine on the beach together. Nicki opened up to Ben and let him play the twenty questions game about her past marriage and how everything has worked out for the better in the end. Nicki had worried that a previously failed marriage might be a deal-breaker for the bachelor but her honesty won him over entirely and she was given the date rose that night.

Back at the den, the second date card arrived, this one being the group date announcement. The card read, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!”, which by the way is a huge tease the room full of marriage-ready women. Nine names were written down meaning that the only girl’s name left out would obviously be going on the last one on one date of the trip and Elyse was the lucky winner there. The next day, the girls were bussed off to a secret location to meet up with Ben. Turns out they were dropped off at the door of the Roberto Clemente baseball stadium for another sweaty, dirty, outdoor date. I’m not entirely sure that baseball diamonds were what the ladies had in mind after that date card but they were all prepared to play a little hard ball to win Ben’s affection. After a series of drills, batting, and fielding (sounds like a nightmare), The Bachelor host Chris Harrison showed up with some interesting news for the women. There would be the expected evening cocktail date as always that night but only half of the bachelorettes would be able to attend. The winners of a proposed baseball game would be rewarded with an invite so the nine were split into two teams, with Lindzi being the odd man out and playing for both the red and blue teams. Lindzi was the only one guaranteed a spot for the promised beach party but it was up to the rest of them to duke it out on the field in a game to the bitter end and that they did. Courtney led the red team as captain and her unbridled determination must have rubbed off on her teammates because they kicked the blue team’s ass.

At the beach party that night, Courtney was up to her old tricks again. As she just can’t keep her stupid opinions to herself, she felt it was necessary to comment on how lame the other girls are and how none of them are right for Ben. She’s also been on to his secret feelings for Kacie B. and Court doesn’t like that at all. Kacie B. was given the date rose that night so Courtney was forced to step it up by stealing Ben for a private moment on the beach where she whispered sweet nothings and tempted him with the idea of skinny dipping.

Day three arrived and Elyse was overjoyed with the idea of spending a whole day alone with Ben. Elyse had put everything on the line to join the competition, including quitting her job and declining an invite to her own best friend’s wedding, and was not leaving the show without a ring on her finger. Things went well for a bit when they cruised around in their mega-yacht and talked about the future until Elyse’s statement of already accomplishing everything she’d like to do in her life threw a red flag up in Ben’s head. It only got worse at their private dinner when she echoed her statement and then finished it off with some “I’m tired of being single” talk that made Ben question if she was really in it for him specifically or if maybe any old guy would do. Then things got super awkward and Ben had to let Elyse know out of pure honesty that he couldn’t connect with her and couldn’t see a relationship forming at all. Ben refused her the date rose and a sobbing and very pained Elyse had to go home.

The news of Elyse was music to Courtney’s ears and she immediately seized the opportunity to break The Bachelor rules and meet Ben at his room to make good on her skinny dipping promises. His initial thoughts were that it probably wasn’t a good idea, BUT he should take the opportunity to get to know her better, right? Suuuure. In an instant the two were bare and getting frisky in the ocean while the rest of the ladies sat in their rooms completely unaware of the debauchery going on mere feet from their doorstep.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben made sure to spend a little time with each of the bachelorettes. He made a point to reconnect with Jennifer, whom he’d had a spectacular one on one date with back in Park City. Blakely especially needed a few moments with Ben as her insecurity really came out in this episode. She was on the losing team during the baseball game and it really got to her. She unloaded emotionally on Ben and her willingness to be completely open, a trait Ben harps on constantly, really reinforced his feelings for her. Meanwhile, Courtney was so proud of her skinny dipping secret that she was practically beaming with self-pride. Somehow she was able to keep her big mouth zipped even though it was completely obvious that she desperately wanted to slam the news into everyone’s faces. Emily is still feeling the sting from Courtney’s bad attitude and from the last rose ceremony that she just barely skated by in. When Ben pulled her aside, she apologized for bringing up the Courtney drama and they agreed to wipe the slate clean. Courtney must have really pulled some voodoo on Emily, though, because within seconds she was back to debating with Ben over what a fake weirdo Courtney really is. This confused Ben and worried Emily; she knew she had screwed up once again and she was on thin ice.

At the rose ceremony, Ben had made a comment that this had been one of the most pivotal weeks for him in Bachelor history thus far. One girl would be going home tonight and everyone had decided that they’d just absolutely die (literally) if it was them. Courtney was called to receive a rose early in the ceremony, as well as Casey S., for reasons unknown really. I think I’ve all about forgotten who she was, other than being Courtney’s best friend in the house and that’s nothing to boast about. Blakely was seconds away from having a full blown anxiety attack before she was called for a rose so her therapy session with Ben really paid off. And then there were two: Emily and Jennifer. This was it; Courtney was about to get her wish of watching Emily get kicked to the curb but, in a shocking twist, Ben called Emily to receive a rose. I don’t think any of the women saw this coming, nor did any of the viewers. After having such a killer date with Jennifer back in Utah, I guess there still wasn’t as strong a bond as he made it out to seem. Maybe he’s wising up and realizing that Emily is on his side and she should be given a chance, even if it’s just one more.

Season 16, Episode 5: Puerto Rico (original air date January 30, 2012)

Images courtesy of ABC.

If the new offerings could offer just as much imagination and chemistry as NBC’s Grimm or ABC’s Once Upon a Time, we TV viewers could be in for a season of spoiling. I’m personally not holding out too much hope for that (what are the odds we could be so lucky?), but if there’s anything to be grateful for it’s that Grimm and Once Upon a Time lead the pack.

Poptimal.com had the chance to participate in a Q&A with Jim Kouf and David Greenwalt co-creators (with Stephen Carpenter) and executive producers of the wonderfully moody and suspenseful series Grimm. During the call, the two talked about their series, fracturing the fairytales, and what fans can look forward to from Grimm.

Starring David Giuntoli and Russell Hornsby, Grimm follows the life of Nick Burkhardt, a homicide detective who learns that he is the descendant of hunters of the supernatural, known as Grimms. Along with his partner Hank (played by Hornsby) and his supernatural informant Monroe (Silas Weir Mitchell), Nick must work to protect mankind from the dangerous supernatural creatures of the world. But as we learn from Greenwalt and Kouf, humans aren’t the only ones who need protection. In the upcoming episodes, good Grimm creatures, also known as Wesen, get caught up with some really bad humans. The Grimm creatures are in trouble. But don’t worry, they will have their champion as in a reversal of fortunes the producers reveal that several “downtrodden” creatures will finally get their day in court.

About Giuntoli and Hornsby, Greenwalt and Kouf had only nice things to say. Saying that Hornsby had something “very special, really cool but warm” to the casting call, the two said they fell in love with him and that he brings authority to the role. Speaking of Guintoli, they tell us that it was hard to find someone in the right age range, yet fresh faced and with enough talent and work history to shoulder a whole show. Overall, they said that they got really lucky with the cast.

When asked about what they think of the sudden influx of fairytale related shows, Greenwalt tell us it’s all a simple case of public domain; they’re stories that everyone already knows.

“People love these stories,” he said, “There’s a reason they’ve been handed down both in written and oral form for all these hundreds and hundreds of years. They still have an appeal.”

Though Grimm is based mainly on the Grimm Brothers Fairytales the two tell us that not every story can translate into an episode, and some are harder than others to adapt. Greenwalt and Kouf also tell us that they’re having fun fracturing the fairytales, taking the old stories and adding a twist, as well as creating new fairytales based on what’s going on today by putting it in fairytale context, such as the case of the child molester transformed into the big bad wolf.

One of the greatest things about Grimm, they tell us, is the creative freedom to depart from reality which makes the series more fun to write. Kouf adds that one of the purposes is to “explain human behavior in a bizarre way.” When asked about the challenges of creating the series, Kouf tells us that for him producing every show is a challenge, describing it as “writing movies, and producing on a TV schedule.” But in the end, the payoff is watching a dark and psychological episode.

So what’s coming up on Grimm? Azura Sky will guest star in an episode as “a bird like creature with many given talents and gifts.” Hank will prepare to get his world rocked by an unnamed woman. Amy Acker will guest star as a “black widow like you’ve never seen before.” And an epic fight is coming up in an episode titled “Last Grimm Standing” which they call a “monster” to shoot. The guys still haven’t heard whether Grimm has been picked up for a second season, but say it’s “not unpromising.” Keep your fingers and toes crossed that NBC does keep this fantastic series going, because as we’ve seen they’re not making the best decisions lately (cough, Community) and need I mention Whitney?

Grimm airs on Fridays at 9/8c on NBC.

Images courtesy of Eric Ogden and Scott Green/NBC.

The town’s journalist, Sidney Glass (Giancarlo Esposito), has been disgraced and fired by the mayor after he failed to win the sheriff election against Emma Swan (Jennifer Morrison). Intent on exacting revenge, he goes to Emma with some information – Mayor Regina (Lana Parrilla) took over $50K from the town treasury for an undisclosed reason. Emma is reluctant at first, but after Regina bulldozes her special place with Henry (Jared Gilmore) and steals his book of fairytales, she changes her mind. Emma does insist on keeping the investigation on the high road…at least at first.

Once she discovers someone tampered with the brakes on her car, Emma decides – with a little nudge from Mary Margaret (Ginnifer Goodwin), who is spending illicit time with David (Josh Dallas) and looking to assuage her own guilty conscience – to take Regina down no matter how low she has to stoop to make that happen.

Bad decision. First of all, you can’t stoop to Regina’s level, because no one else can sink that low. Second, I thought Emma learned her lesson a few weeks ago after her run in with Mr. Gold (Robert Carlyle), but her need to protect Henry and beat Regina wins out. I’m a little surprised how disappointed I felt about her failure, given that Emma is probably my least favorite (and typically the least interesting, at least so far) character on the show.

Meanwhile, in the land of fairytales and happy endings, we meet Snow White’s father (Richard Schiff) for the first time when he plucks a lamp from a riverbed. A quick rub produces a genie (played by Giancarlo Esposito a.k.a. Sidney Glass), who offers to grant the man three wishes. Of course King Leopold is a man who raised a gentle, sensitive daughter like Snow White, and he’s too wise to desire anything other than the happiness of his subjects. Instead he uses one wish to set the genie free, and a second to give his third to the genie. The genie, having seen wishes destroy lives without exception, claims his only wish is to find true love.

King Leopold invites the genie back to the castle, where he meets Snow and Queen Regina for the first time. The King dotes on his daughter (of course, she’s Snow White!), and has never gotten over the death of his first wife, his one true love, leaving poor Regina feeling unloved and lonely. The genie falls madly in love with the sad Queen, gifting her a mirror to remind her what a beautiful woman she is, but the King soon becomes aware that his wife’s affections have strayed.

The genie has grand dreams of finding a way to free the poor queen from the clutches of her horrible life, and the answer arrives in the form of her father (and we know exactly what kind of jerkface that guy is), who gives him a box to present to Regina. Inside is a two-headed viper from the genie’s homeland, and after some master manipulation (no, I never doubted for a moment that Regina had her own designs from the start), the genie murders the king.

And get this. After the Queen reveals she never cared for him but only wanted someone to do her dirty work and then take the blame, the genie uses his final wish to ensure he’ll always be by her side.

And into the mirror he goes.

The origin of the Magic Mirror! Seriously superb imagination, writers. Seriously. SUPERB.

Back in Storybrooke (and I saw this coming too), we learn Sidney Glass has been working with Regina all the time (he just can’t quit her), and they’re going to be dogging Emma’s every move. Regina has forbidden her to see Henry, who is forlorn over the loss of his book…which it turns out his mother didn’t steal.

Because, you see, we’ve almost forgotten about our mysterious stranger (Eion Bailey). It turns out he has Henry’s book, and the only question burning hotter than his identity is still (for me) what exactly Snow White did to the Queen to earn eternal hatred.

Rumplestilskin is still trying to talk Emma into an alliance, which while I know is a poor idea, also intrigues me because I want badly to figure out his angle. I loved the backstory this week; the origin of the Magic Mirror is one of the more imaginative concepts we’ve seen so far.

Much to my dismay, I have a bad feeling about how this thing with David and Mary Margaret is going to end, and after the stranger stole Henry’s book of tales, I’ve got a bad feeling about him too. Next week we’ll be treated to a Beauty (Emilie de Ravin) and the Beast story…with Rumplestilskin as the Beast.

Here’s hoping the magic continues!

Season 1, Episode 11 “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree” (originally aired January 29, 2012)

Once Upon A Time airs Sunday nights at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Jack Rowand and ABC.

Ben and Rachel start their date off with a helicopter ride over the majestic mountains of Park City followed by a lakeside picnic. I suppose the call of the wild wasn’t enough to evoke any feelings out of Rachel, hence the awkward pauses and bumpy conversation. Ben had a hell of a time trying to connect with her for most of the date and things were starting to look iffy, however, she was able to redeem herself at their evening dinner date when she finally enlightened Ben on her long, sad history as a horrible communicator. Gentle Ben melts instantly and gives her another shot by giving her the date rose.

Meanwhile, the second date card arrives at the homestead. A group date of eight ladies is announced and immediately everyone begins to overanalyze the situation: “When will I get a private date? What is Ben looking for specifically? I need constant reassurance!” It never ends. Nothing could stop the ladies from swooning over their bachelor, though, when he rode up the next day on a horse for their date. It was an adventurous day of getting their hands dirty with a little horseback riding and fly fishing, which seemed like a lot of fun for a bunch of high maintenance women. Most of these girls are doing what has to be done to make it in this competition so slapping on a smile and giggling over how awesome fly fishing can be is what most of them did. The most hated woman in the house, Courtney, has made it known from the start that she’d be calling the shots when it came to Ben and that she did. She and her unibrow made sure to steal him away for private time and even impressed him by catching the only fish of the day. Would this be a metaphor for how the rest of the day would play out? The answer is yes. Yes it would.

At the group cocktail party that evening, each girl was dead set on receiving the date rose, but before deciding who to keep, Ben had to decide to let one go, and quite abruptly. Samantha, who I honestly hadn’t even noticed was there, pulled Ben aside to challenge him, or maybe just complain, about why she had not yet been invited on a private date. She made it clear she was over the group date situation so Ben made it just as clear that he didn’t see a future with her at all. And just like that, she was tossed out on the street! Maybe he’s not as gullible as he leads me to believe after all…

The rest of the single girls are more than obviously irritated with Courtney’s two-faced demeanor and that beotch was going to step on anyone that night to get the date rose. Unibrow’s game playing tactic was to make Ben feel guilty for not spending enough time with her. With every word it sounded as if she was giving him an ultimatum, like she just might walk if he’s not careful, and he totally fell for it! Back to being clueless, I guess. Even after pulling Kacie B. aside to give her the much needed support she demanded, as well as telling her he was falling for her a bit, he still gave the date rose to Courtney.

Sometime during the night, the last date card surfaced with a private date invitation for the shy red-head, Jennifer. In guy fashion once again, Ben planned a rough and rugged manly date of hiking followed by repelling into a crater full of water. And like so many of the other women, Jennifer is deathly afraid of heights. But Ben doesn’t care; he sees the extreme sport dates where everyone’s nerves get rattled as a trust exercise and I, personally, am a little tired of his testing of the ladies. Miraculously, Jennifer gets through the date and is rewarded with not only a private dinner and the date rose but also a concert with country singer Clay Walker. Jennifer’s date actually turned out to be one of the most romantic so far this season.

Back at the bachelorette den, silent tension between Courtney and the rest of the house had been building all day but, of course, Courtney thrives off of this. At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Emily lets the situation get the best of her and is completely ready to call Unibrow out on her shit. When she tries to bring up to Ben that one of the housemates may not be quite who she seems, he shuts her down quickly, refusing to fan any of the flames. And then things got super awkward. Emily was already starting to question if she’d be receiving a rose that night and then Courtney stirred up a little confrontation to really get into Emily’s head. “I don’t start fights, I finish them,” boasted Courtney. That’s nice. She also keeps using the term “winning” quite frequently. If that doesn’t say something about her, then I don’t know what does.

The final rose ceremony commenced and of the twelve remaining, one would be going home. Unfortunately, Monica was given the boot this week, although I can’t say I’m too surprised. She never seemed fully invested in the game despite the waterworks upon leaving that night. I think Monica was just starting to grow on us, too. To keep Emily in suspense, she was the last one to be handed a rose by Ben but, hey, a rose is still a rose! Emily seems like a good egg and tattling on Courtney did seem like the noble thing to do at the time, but I think from here on out, she’ll choose her battles more wisely. As for Courtney, I’m sure she’ll continue to stay classy.

Season 16, Episode 4: Park City, Utah (originally aired 1/23/2012)

For more dating drama tune in to ABC Mondays 8/7 central. 

Images courtesy of ABC.

I could be biased, but I’m guessing I’m not the only person falling in love with the destiny filled past of Snow White and Prince Charming.

This week, the writers treated us to a whole hour filled with longing and heartbreak and sweet admissions of love. Good heavens, does that ever sound cheesy when I type it out.

In other news, the stranger (Eion Bailey) who arrived in town at the end of last week’s episode talks to Henry (Jared Gilmore), which makes Regina (Lana Parrilla) nervous. She asks Emma to check him out, but he seems to reveal only what he wants to be known, and at the moment that isn’t a whole lot.

He’s a writer. He finds Storybrooke inspiring, but won’t say whether or not he’s visited previously. Oh, and he wants to buy Emma (Jennifer Morrison) a drink. I’m trying to figure out which fairy tale he might belong to, along with how exactly he’s able to come and go from Storybrooke since no one else seems to accomplish that. We’re going to have to wait longer to learn the answers to those questions.

Mary Margaret (Ginnifer Goodwin) is sneaking out to be at the coffee shop at 7:15 every morning, which is exactly when David (Josh Dallas) shows up for his morning cup. She knows it’s pathetic, but she can’t seem to get him out of her mind. When she finds an injured dove and makes a trip into the woods to reunite it with its flock, David follows. It’s a good thing too, because she almost plunges over a cliff to her death – but he’s there to save her, like he always is. They end up in a cabin, alone in the woods, where she breaks down and admits she still has feelings for him. David confesses he goes to the diner every morning at 7:15 to see her, but when they almost kiss Mary Margaret tells him they can’t…because his wife Kathryn (Anastasia Griffith) might be pregnant. They decide, for at least the tenth time now, that they need to forget each other.

Meanwhile, in fairy tale land, Snow White goes to find Rumplestilskin (who is quite famous for making problems disappear) and asks how to get rid of the love she feels for Prince Charming, since he’s getting married in a couple of days. In return, the crackpot wish-granter gives her a potion that will cure her love – by making her forget she ever knew him. As Snow’s about to take the draught, a dove arrives with a message from the Prince. He can’t forget her either, and if she feels the same she should come to the palace and they would run away together.

Of course she goes (have you seen the man?) but is captured upon her arrival. The king, who is pretty much a dirt bag, gives her an ultimatum. Tell Prince Charming she doesn’t love him and never will, or he’ll have the Prince murdered. She goes in there and breaks his heart, and her own, then meets the seven dwarfs on the road home.

Aside: She saved Grumpy’s life earlier that night after he helped break her out of a prison cell. It was a lovely meet-cute for a lady and her future dwarf roommates.

At first Grumpy (Lee Arenberg) convinces her that her pain, her memories, make her who she is and the potion isn’t the way to deal with it. The next day the Prince rides in search of her, having called off his wedding, but when he arrives the dwarves find Snow has taken the potion – she has no memory of her Prince Charming.

In Storybrooke, David and Mary Margaret both change their schedules so they won’t run into one another at the diner, but end up there at the same time anyway. The little glimpse of fate is all it takes, and they share a wonderful, heartbreaking kiss that can make even cynical me believe that some loves are real.

Unfortunately, Regina witnesses the kiss (rule #1 of kissing a married man should be not kissing him on the street in a small town), and we can only assume she’s going to do something about it.  After all, the point of the curse is to eliminate happy endings, and Snow and Charming were first on her *hit list.

I loved this episode. Last week’s was weak, with no discernable link to any overarching themes. It gave us no reason why the Queen would care about Hansel, Gretel, or their father at all. We didn’t learn how the apple came about or why the blind witch would want to keep it from the Queen. The Storybrooke side of the story was so sweet it made me simultaneously roll my eyes and gag, which is not an easy feat, let me tell you.

They are back on point this week, and while I’ve quite enjoyed all of the episodes and glimpses into the genesis of various characters, the story of Snow and Charming has settled deep in my heart.

Which means, of course, we’ll be waiting a good long time to see their happy ending.

Season 1, Episode 10 “7:15 A.M.” (originally aired January 22, 2012)

For more on Once Upon A Time, check out other reviews here.

Once Upon A Time airs Sunday nights at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Jack Rowand and ABC.

Sixteen ladies were off to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco for a chance to prove they could assimilate to city life as each struggled to prove they were potential wifey material for our bachelor. Ben’s sister, Julia, was the first woman to actually welcome him back to town with a lunch meeting to show support for her brother. Ben had a great time filling Julia in on the “strong, independent” and “drama-free” girls that were chosen for him. Oh, what a naïve world he’s living in.

The single ladies were put up at the glamorous Fairmont Hotel, complete with a lovely view of the big city. The first of three date cards arrived quickly and Emily was the lucky lottery winner for a one on one date with Ben, but the card, which alluded to heights, made her a little hesitant. Her worrying was validated when she discovered Ben would be taking her on a hike to the top of the famous Golden Gate Bridge. It’s not your most romantic date, nor would I have accepted if I were Emily as I share her horrific fear of heights, but the girl is in it to win it and if threatening her life on the top a humongous bridge is what she has to do, then apparently there’s nothing stopping her. I give her credit for being a good sport, though, because I think a lot of girls would have turned him down on this one. But overcoming her biggest fear was worth it in the end when Ben awarded her with the date rose.

Back at base camp, date card number two showed up announcing a big group date for the next day which promised a refreshing opportunity. Never failing to deliver, Ben took eleven ladies on a snow skiing adventure right on the streets of San Fran. Although it was a toasty eighty-five degrees that day, a snow machine turned one hilly street into a winter wonderland where everyone stripped down to their teeny bikinis and strapped on a pair of skis. Ben’s objective here was to really see who could just let loose and have fun and each girl seemed happy to throw on a smile to appease him. The date concluded with dinner and drinks, a la every date thus far, where each bachelorette took turns vying for attention. This dinner date did not go as well as previous, however. Earlier in the night, the third date card showed up which read, “Brittany- Let’s unlock our love with the key to the city”, accompanied by a necklace with a key-shaped pendant. Unbeknownst to the other women, and most of the viewers, Brittany hadn’t caught the same fever for Ben that the rest of the group had and after some tough debating, she decided to call it quits. After briefly interrupting Ben’s group date to bring him the bad news, Brittany was in a cab and on her way to the airport. But the date must go on! Ben gives the group date rose to Rachel and although one is now gone, another’s spot in the game is secured.

With Brittany gone, Lindzi is chosen to take her place on the intimate date the next day, which is pretty appropriate considering she and Ben seemed to have some genuine chemistry from the beginning. After a trolley ride where Ben introduced her to the famous spots the city had to offer, it was off to city hall, with, yes, the key to the city, for a private concert by platinum recording artist Matt Nathanson. Very thoughtful, very intimate, a little cheesy but, nonetheless, they both enjoyed their private dance session. The night was complete once Ben took Lindzi to a speakeasy themed lounge where he gave her the final date rose of the week. Absolutely nothing could ruin this wonderful week for Lindzi, right? Her words, not mine.

When all is well, The Bachelor feels the need to stir things up to keep the audience on edge and it came in the form of Shawntel Newton. Shawntel was a previous contestant on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor, was eventually dumped by him, and came to the bizarre revelation that she would make a wonderful match for Ben. So, what does the show do? Brings her aboard! Why the hell not? Saying the competing women were pissed about a stranger showing up is putting it mildly. After all, they’ve been here from the start, putting in the foot work with Ben, and Shawntel could be the factor that ultimately gets someone eliminated in the end. If she gets past the rose ceremony, that is. A few of the girls threaten to walk if Shawntel is handed a rose while others cry out tears of frustration and, in Erika’s case, almost pass out completely under pressure. With one rose left, Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel eagerly waited to hear who would get their paws on that last symbol of ultimate security but in a strange turn of events, Ben couldn’t even muster up the balls to hand it out. With no rose, you’re automatically ousted from the competition so all three were sent packing. Ben’s too nice of a guy and way to worried about hurting anyone’s feelings, which is admirable, but I feel like that is going to be his downfall if he doesn’t put his foot down once in a while. As quickly as the storm rolled in, it rolled right out and in the case of Shawntel, at least Ben did something right that evening.

Season 16, Episode 3: Week 3 (originally aired January 16, 2011)

Images courtesy of ABC.

It was all hands on deck as the doctors worked to separate the twins in a career-defining procedure.  It’s a “peeds” case, so Arizona (Jessica Capshaw)is front and center, but all of the alpha personalities are present, including Webber and Sheperd.  They practice the surgery numerous times on dolls before the actual procedure.  Arizona finds it difficult to defer to her colleagues, and eventually Callie has to firmly put her in her place.  The surgery is ultimately a success, but there were some interpersonal bumps along the way.

Karev (Justin Chambers) has loads of pediatric experience and has worked with Arizona extensively.  He should’ve had the inside track on the surgery, but he allowed Webber to psych him out.  His mistake during the practice sessions cost him a role in the surgery.  After the twin girls were successfully separated, one of the babies went into kidney failure.  Karev came up with the idea of taking a kidney from the baby’s sibling, and Arizona was going to let him scrub in.  While scrubbing in, Webber (James Pickens Jr.) manages to get in Alex’s head AGAIN, and guilts him into giving up the surgery.  Webber feigned disappointment and regret at feeling like his career was on the downswing, so Karev gave up his spot out of sympathy.

Meanwhile, Webber knew exactly what he was doing by playing upon his sympathy.  He basically yelled “gotcha!”  I felt bad that Alex was duped.  He rarely shows kindness to his counterparts, and I think the fact that Webber is former Chief Resident played a large role in his decision.  Later, Webber acts as if his betrayal was intended to be a teachable moment – but I thought it was a dirty trick and that Webber was above that sort of behavior.

Derek and Meredith are settling into their roles as parents, and couldn’t be happier.  Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Cristina, Teddy, or Lexie.  Teddy is understandably grappling with Henry’s death.  She hasn’t taken any time off and is still performing surgeries.  She is subjecting Cristina (Sandra Oh) to the torture of reliving Henry’s death over and over by repeatedly asking her to describe what happened in the O.R. in painstaking detail.  Whenever she is summoned, Cristina finds Teddy and dutifully recites what happened, always ending with the time of death.  It’s almost as if Teddy is looking for someone to blame, but eventually she obtains a modicum of closure and accepts Cristina’s medical explanation.  It will be difficult, but now maybe she can begin to heal.  The same can’t be said for Lexie, who can’t seem to get over Mark even though he has a new girlfriend.  I think she was crazy for dumping Avery, but I guess it was for the best if her feelings weren’t true.

Best of the episode: A successful surgery for the conjoined twins.

Worst of the episode: Webber’s double-crossing.

What to look for next: Trouble on the home front as Owen and Cristina bump heads.

Season 8, Episode 11: “This Magic Moment” (original air date January 12, 2012.)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC and Kelsey McNeal.

California wine maker Ben Flajnik brought the bachelorettes to his home town of Sonoma this week to really drill in how important his family roots are to him. Also, it was a great way to take a few girls out on dates and judge just how well each of them blended in with the peaceful, small town atmosphere, given the fact that Ben’s number one pick in the end could potentially be living there with him (fingers crossed this time around). One lucky girl that Ben wanted to get to spend a little one on one time with was Kacie B., who received the very first rose of the evening and was safe from elimination at the upcoming rose ceremony. The pair hit the sleepy wine town and talked about local history, did a little piano playing, and had a basic introduction to baton twirling (Kacie’s hidden talent) before heading off for a thoughtfully romantic dinner. Although it seemed like a full date night, Ben still had one last thing in store for Kacie. It was off to the Sebastiani Theater, where Kacie was treated to a private viewing of childhood home videos of herself, and later of Ben. At first, it seemed a bit strange to me because if I were Kacie B., the first thing I’d think to myself would be, “Where did you get these from, Creep-o?” but Ben was just again trying to reiterate how important family, especially the influence of his father, was to him and that seemed to resonate well with Kacie. Overall, the date was A-plus and Kacie left with a rose in hand.

Meanwhile, at the bachelorettes’ lair, the girls bitched about being left out and about how much valuable time they were losing getting to know Ben. However, they’re absolutely right to think that since, after all, this is a competition and the time to make yourself memorable in such a fierce arena is extremely limited. During Ben and Kacie’s outing, a “date card” showed up at the house, announcing which ladies would be joining the bachelor for a group date the following day. Eleven women were selected, leaving the small group of excluded girls feeling scorned.

The next day, the specially selected girls were asked to put on their acting hats and act childish in a new kind of way. Some kids from a local community-based theater group created their own special play just for the bachelor and his suitorettes that involved such epic characters as weasels, gingerbread men, and dragons. After an awkward audition full of pig oinking, “sexy dancing,” and Blakley’s nearly R-rated Baywatch inspired slow motion jogging sequence, the girls put on a theater production for the tiny California town. The girls seemed to have no qualms with making fools of themselves on stage as long as each of their promised kissing scenes with Prince Pinot were fulfilled.

That evening, Ben and his co-stars had a cocktail soiree back at the house to spend some more serious time with the girls, but what happened was just the start of a shit storm of drama. The busty Blakely was more than determined to get the teasing rose on a silver platter that was staring everyone in the face all night and that she did. Her aggressive techniques are freaking all the girls out and some of them just can’t seem to deal with it, so, they cry about it. What’s funny is that at this point Ben is under the impression that everyone is a fan of Blakely and that, naively, everything is serene in Bachelor Town. Silly Ben, let’s wake up. Most of these girls would sooner sell their own mothers into slavery before letting another fellow competitor push them out of this contest. What’s sad is that only a small handful of the bachelorettes are actually being their genuine selves.

One of the more seemingly disingenuous in particular is Courtney, the model from Los Angeles. She received her own personal date card from Ben that read, “Courtney, let’s spin the bottle…”, which visibly rocked a few of the housemates. The next day, the two had a private picnic with Ben’s little Jack Russell terrier and further discussed the importance of family. Courtney put on her game face during the date for sure and flowed naturally with Ben, despite her critical private interviews about the other women that would have led you to believe she’s more on the high-maintenance side. Not to mention, this chick is slowly becoming everyone’s number two enemy, right after Blakely. Ben fell for Courtney, however, and yet another girl was safe from elimination.

The big cocktail party before the final rose ceremony of the episode brought on the drama full force as all eyes fell on Blakely who just could not separate herself from Ben. Every time he pulled one of the ladies aside to have a chat, Blakely showed up. Every corner Ben turned, Blakely showed up. The whole debacle, which needless to say managed to piss off an entire party of women, quickly went from cute to scary stalker. Yikes! Elegance and poise is key here, Blakely, my dear, so reel it in a little! What happened soon after was embarrassing for women everywhere when Blakely caught wind of the other girls’ complaints of her and was sent running for the hills. Not really the hills, but the corner of the luggage room where she crouched in the fetal position and had a good cry. The fun didn’t stop there when Jenna, our favorite overanalyzing head case, had a sputtering and practically incoherent conversation with Ben. The spazz attack had her racing to her bedroom where she put herself to bed, right in the middle of the party, and cried. Ben, who had been just an easy going and completely oblivious guy the whole time, finally wised up to how stressed out the girls were getting and had to retrieve the missing drama queens from their holes. Talk about a cocktail party from hell!

Thank God the rose ceremony was next because it was beginning to get a little crowded in Sonoma. Two roses had already been handed out earlier and now thirteen roses were up for grabs, meaning two ladies would be kicking rocks back to their home towns. Many of the bachelorettes were relieved, including Jennifer, Emily, and Brittany, to name a few. Jenna and Shawn were not so lucky. Shawn didn’t make much of an impact on Ben evidently, but Jenna sure did and after her bizarre ways of trying to express herself, everything was just lost in translation. This boy has his hands full and I just hope the mild mannered bachelor can find his way through this mess of crazy ladies.

Season 16, Episode 2: “Week 2″ (originally aired January 9, 2012)

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Ron Koeberer/ABC

Deep inside, but still.

As the writers reveal more and more about who these people were before, it colors what we believe they’re capable of now, whether it’s good or evil or – as in real life – usually somewhere in between.

This week we did get a rather sad tale of the origin of Rumplestilskin (Robert Carlyle), a wool farmer shunned by his wife and village after he deserted the army during an ogre battle. Now the wars are revived, and the local overlord is staffing his army with children fourteen and over. As his son’s birthday draws near, Rumplestilskin is desperate to save the only person he has left in the world – by any means necessary. Because of his desperation, a mysterious and powerful Black Knight, tired of paying the price for his magic, is able to trick our favorite trickster into releasing him by stealing his magic for himself. Rumplestilskin now has the power to save his boy, but he looses his sanity, his morality, and his life in the process.

In Storybrooke, Regina fires Emma (Jennifer Morrison) in the wake of the Sheriff’s death, claiming she has the power to appoint a replacement. She wants to instill a puppet regime (surprise), but Mr. Gold comes to Emma with a copy of the town charter and a plan. Despite warnings from Henry (Jared Gilmore), who has given up his “Operation Cobra” because he believes good can’t beat evil since evil plays dirty, Emma accepts help from the pawn shop owner with an obvious agenda of his own.

Though he’s still filthy and underhanded, with his backstory there’s enough dimension to his character now that I wonder if maybe he’s on the right side after all. Or is there a right side? Can we even know that for sure yet?

While Emma fights the good fight, her unexpected ally makes some questionable moves like setting fire to the mayor’s house so Emma can be photographed saving her life, and putting Emma in a position to stand up to him in public. Basically, our hero now owes Mr. Gold/Rumplestilskin a couple of favors, as though one isn’t bad enough.

I adored this episode. Villains aren’t worth having if they don’t have substance, if part of you doesn’t feel a little bit badly about the life that’s led them to the place they are now. Rumplestilskin is a terrifying bad guy, ever so much worse than the Queen, and the stories hold precious few facts about where he came from and what he wants. We now understand the answer to those questions a little bit better, and for the first time glimpse the reason he’s so interested in other people’s children.

Also worth mentioning: David (a.k.a. Prince Charming) (Josh Dallas) looked ridiculously adorable in a cap, and is obviously still conflicted about his feelings for Mary Margaret (Snow White). They are my favorite overarching storyline, and I can already tell the episode in which they realize who they are is going to plaster a smile on my face for days.

I’m loving this show. The writing and imagination are superb, and though they are messing a little with our beloved fairy tales, they’re not, in my opinion, crossing any holy boundaries. For the most part, they’re answering questions we’ve all had and filling in holes with their rather intriguing ideas of what might have been.

Hansel and Gretel make an appearance next week, and we know Beauty and the Beast (with Emilie de Ravin as Belle!) are coming up this season. What are you most excited to see on this show? Are the new twists igniting your imagination or ruining the tales of your childhood?

Check out another take on this popular new show, Every Little Thing is Magic, by Inisia Lewis

Season 1, Episode 8 “Desperate Souls” (original airdate January 8, 2011)

Once Upon a Time airs Sunday nights at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Jack Rowand and ABC

The show takes our love for fairytales and our desire for happy endings and turns it on its head. This time, instead of the prince saving the princess and living happily ever after, we get to find out what the ever after actually entailed. Unfortunately, in this universe, we also get to see what happens when a vengeful evil queen decides to suspend all those happily ever afters.

To simplify things, the past will be known as the Fairy Tale Land that we’ve all come to know and love through stories, and the present as Storybrooke, the “special” town where all our favorite characters are trapped. In the past, the Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla), hell-bent on getting revenge for some past transgression yet to be fully revealed, curses Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin), Prince Charming (James)/David (I’m glad they cleared that up because I always though Prince Charming was always the same person and ergo a womanizer but couldn’t that have stuck with one first name) and their unborn child.  Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle) prophesies that the Queen’s curse will bring all the people in Fairy Tale Land to someplace horrible, but Snow White’s unborn daughter will return in 28 years to battle the Queen and save them all. With this tip, Geppetto creates a magic tree which would save one person from the Queen’s curse. It was meant to be a pregnant Snow White, but when she goes into labor early, it has to be only her newborn, Emma.

Jump to the present, where we meet Emma Swan (Jennifer Morrison), a lonely bail bondsman. An adorably precocious ten-year-old Henry (Jared Gilmore) finds her and claims to be the son she gave up for adoption as a teen. As she drives him home, he continues to insist that everyone in his big book of fairytales are real and living in his town with no memory of their true identities. In fact, Emma is the daughter of Prince Charming (Josh Dallas) and Snow White! To the viewer, this confirms that somehow the Queen of the past has won, but would the straight-laced Emma ever believe him or care enough to stick around and figure out what’s going on in the strange little town? Having grown up in the foster system, feeling family-less her whole life, her biological son, Henry, proves to be the catalyst that ties Emma to the town and keeps her at odds with its malicious mayor, Regina, a.k.a The Evil Queen, Henry’s adoptive mother.

Just a tad bit confusing, right? But oh so intriguing. What’s so great about the show is that it’s a dark soap opera but it’s mixed with a light, beautiful nostalgia. It has deep, intrinsic elements of sci-fi and fantasy, but at its heart it’s a family show, leaving us with little nuggets of moral values. Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, executive producers and creators, also worked on Lost, and clearly learned a thing or two from that morally intertwined, fantasy show. Plus, we all love a good mystery. Though no one can remember their past lives, they all seem to retain their personalities. The fun, for us, is learning what happened in their past and going on the journey with them as they figure out who they truly are in the present. Emma, Henry or both seem integral in helping “awaken” their true selves.

So far, we’ve learned about how Snow White/Mary Margaret Blanchard met her Prince, Ashley/Cinderella made a terrible deal made with Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin (he makes a lot of those), Archie Hopper/Jiminy Cricket finding his conscience, and Sheriff Graham/The Huntsman and his connection to Snow and the Queen. All their storylines connect seamlessly between the past and present, each informing the other timeline. As a writer, it must be an extremely difficult thing to do. Yet, I’ve found very little to harp on when it comes to continuity. And, as proven in the midseason finale, they’re not afraid to kill a beloved main character.

In terms of acting, the standouts are Goodwin, Parrilla and Carlyle, making it easier to forgive the oft-wooden Morrison. Goodwin plays the earnest and kind Mary well, while shifting easily to Snow who is more headstrong though just as compassionate as her counterpart. Parrilla is just so darn bitter and ruthless. What is her true motivation? We’ve learned that Snow, who turned out to be her stepdaughter in the past, somehow took away her ability to have love in her life, but why and exactly how? She seems to be one of two who have any idea of Fairy Tale Land, but in the present, is she actually fully conscience of what she’s done? Is this her happily ever after, cause she seems almost as unhappy as everyone else? Either way, I’d be scared to come across her on a red carpet, though I’m sure Parrilla is as lovely as can be. And Carlyle hasn’t yet let me down in any role he’s played in film or television. His character of Rumpelstiltskin/Mr. Gold is the most interesting, cunning and deceptive. What are his motivations? He is the other who appears to understand that this is not the world they’re originally from. He doesn’t seem to be working for Regina and has his own agenda, but does he just want to wreak havoc on the world or is there some other end game?

But enough about the past and present! The future will bring us Hansel and Gretel, Belle and even more. Once Upon a Time’s most impressive quality is that it is entirely unique. There’s nothing on the television landscape like it now or what’s come before. We’re so used to procedural shows and formulas that we forget how enticing something utterly new is, even if it’s not typically up our alley. That’s why the show remains one of my tops for 2011 and hopefully 2012. With an wholly enchanting backdrop, intriguing characters to meet and further develop and a deep mythology to pull from and build upon, there’s so much story left in this book.

Once Upon a Time returns to ABC on Sunday, Jan. 8 at 8/7c.

Images courtesy of Kharen Hill/ABC.

New Shows to Fall In Love With:

Are You There, Chelsea?

(January 11 on NBC)

Based on comedian Chelsea Handler’s similarly-titled best seller Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, NBC aptly decided to retool various parts of this sitcom pilot before bringing it to the schedule. Ripe with potential, the series follows New Jersey waitress Chelsea Newman (That 70’s Show’s Laura Prepon) navigating the quirky, drunken parts of her 20-something journey of self-discovery. Some moments of the pilot are lifted straight from the book, which account for the instant attraction many viewers will probably have for the project. Prepon makes for a great lead and, with Handler in a guest role as her uptight sister Sloane, I’d be shocked at this point if the series disappointed fans of the source material. Though, pairing it with the network’s much-maligned Whitney probably isn’t doing it any favors.

Alcatraz

(January 16 on FOX)

It seems like anything bearing the preface “From Executive Producer J.J. Abrams” instantly lands on everyone’s must-watch list. In reality, we know Abrams isn’t steering the boat on most of these series, but he and the Bad Robot team have created a serial drama with some serious potential in Alcatraz. Starring Sam Neill and Jorge Garcia of Lost fame, the story follows a homicide with unexpected ties to lead investigator Rebecca’s (Sarah Jones) family history with the infamous titular prison. The story is set to unravel over the season, with many twists and turns no doubt in store to both intrigue and frustrate the viewing audience. With so few serialized stories on television anymore, this one is definitely worth taking a chance on.

GCB

(March 4 on ABC)

The formerly-titled Good Christian Belles was a watered-down version of the source book’s Good Christian Bitches, so I’m not really sure what this one stands for today…or why initials were needed at all. This series, which may or may not be helped by its post-Desperate Housewives timeslot, follows former It-Girl Amanda (the ever on-the-verge Leslie Bibb), newly divorced and forced to return to her Texas hometown, children in tow, and move in with her mother (Annie Potts). Amanda tries to start a new life, having grown a lot since her high school days, but it seems like the local ladies, lead by Kristin Chenoweth, won’t let her forget about the Queen Bitch she used to be. Bibb is a great lead, balanced with a sprawling supporting cast. Fun and light-heartedly soapy, the series reminds me of the addictive first season of Desperate Housewives without the murder mystery.

Smash

(February 6 on NBC)

If you’ve even in passing compared this heavily-promoted new drama series to Glee in your head, toss out that line of thinking now. Smash is kind of a refreshing surprise. It’s a grounded story with places to go that happens to feature a certain amount of singing. The series follows writing team Tom (Christian Borle) and Julia (Debra Messing) setting out to bring a musical adaptation of the life and times of Marilyn Monroe to the stage. One of their initial casting decisions comes down to two actresses: the seasoned actress needing a shot at a lead role played by Broadway vet Megan Hilty, and the charming young newcomer trying to catch a break played by Katharine McPhee. The supporting players include Angelica Huston as the fiery producer, Jack Davenport as the womanizing director and the just announced Bernadette Peters and Uma Thurman in major arcs for the season. Judging from the pilot, Smash isn’t just a show about dreams, but about the sacrifices people make to achieve them.

Apartment 23

(TBD on ABC)

It is absolutely criminal that this series hasn’t found a spot on the schedule yet! Starring Dreama Walker as June, a girl who initially moves to NYC with the perfect job, loft and boyfriend. When she suddenly finds herself without any of the above, however, June needs to find a new apartment quickly so she can get things back on track. The one she finds comes with the seemingly-perfect roommate, Chloe, played to perfection by Krysten Ritter. Chloe is funny, glamorous and carefree, and just so happens to be best friends with former Dawson’s Creek star James Van Der Beek, playing a hilarious fictional take on himself. But, Chloe may also be a little crazy, and have earned the title of “the Bitch in Apartment 23” from at least one other building tenant. This series, which might seem a little repetitive in concept after the success of the fall-launched comedies New Girl and 2 Broke Girls is likely to appeal to the same audience…if it ever makes it on the air. The network’s promised a spring launch, but ABC’s on a comedy roll right now and primed to bring back returning series Cougar Town. Still, when it finally does hit the screen, drop what you’re doing and tune in.

Returning Favorites to Enjoy:

Being Human

(January 16 on Syfy)

Husband and wife writing team Jeremy Carver and Anna Fricke adapted the BBC Three series of the same name for Syfy last winter and won over a lot of pensive fans, myself included. The first season, which follows the misadventures of a ghost, werewolf and vampire who live together in Boston striving to be normal, was a healthy mix of stories from its parent series and new material. Dollhouse’s Dichen Lachman joins the show after the death of Mark Pellegrino’s Bishop, set to stir up some vampire trouble for Aidan (Sam Witwer). The chemistry between the three leads, which includes Witwer and the hilarious duo Meaghan Rath and Sam Huntington, is real enough to make even the most cynical of viewers look past the far-fetched concept and see the real story underneath.

White Collar

(January 17 on USA)

So, this is technically just the second half of the third season, but the show’s been gone for several months. Plus, White Collar is probably the most fun you’ll have with an hour of scripted television on the air today. When we last left off, Neal (Matthew Bomer) was having second thoughts about cashing in the stolen treasure from the Nazi sub and running off. It had already cost him a relationship with Sarah (Hilarie Burton) and was putting a strain on his partnership with Peter (Tim DeKay). Agent Burke also has even bigger problems at the moment, with his wife Elizabeth (Tiffani Thiessen) having just been kidnapped and held ransom.  This one’s always a surprise, but I’m really interested to see where the Neal/Peter game goes now. Can Neal go legit? Can Peter look past his one, last con? Is Elizabeth really the criminal mastermind behind it all? Probably not for the latter, but I like to think so.

Merlin

(January 6 on Syfy)

While admittedly not for everyone, this BBC One import is really a campy, fun time for fans of the Arthurian legend. Now in its fourth season, the Smallville-esque reimagining of the adventures of Arthur (Bradley James) and Merlin (Colin Morgan) follows Arthur’s ascension to the throne and early days as ruler of Camelot. With a newly-minted set of nights, a fan favorite character who returns with a big twist, and the will-they-or-won’t-they romance of the king and Gwen (Angel Coulby), this is the best arc yet. I’d be neglectful not to acknowledge the looming threat of the delightfully evil Katie McGrath as Morgana, who continues her quest for the throne as well. Think of this one as a contemporary cousin of the 1960s Batman series, with a much higher production value and strong dose of British charm.

Spartacus: Vengeance

(January 27 on Starz)

Spartacus is not a show for small children, to watch with your mother, the faint of heart, or anyone easily offended. It’s bloody, brutal, sex-filled and all kinds of awesome. In the first season of this swords and sandals epic, the late Andy Whitfield played the titular slave as he led a rebellion against his masters, effectively freeing his gladiator brothers who pledged to take the fight to Rome. Earlier in 2011, a prequel series flashed back before those events to introduce another hero, Gannicus (Dustin Clare), who fought his way to freedom through more standard means. Now entering its third season, I’ll be watching closely to see where the series heads. Liam McIntyre takes over the title role and, rejoined by the survivors of the first season blood bath, seems set to encounter the somehow still-living Lucretia (Lucy Lawless), whose grip on sanity in the promos seems slim at best. Beyond the stunning visuals and gory violence, the dialogue for this show is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It’s a touch of Shakespeare, blended with Sorkin-esque pacing and density, and a contemporary flavor that makes it just accessible enough for you to wish we conversed this way today.

Mad Men

(March 16 on AMC)

We’ve been tragically deprived of this often imitated but never duplicated show for over a year now. But, come March, the fifth season of the four-time Emmy winner for Best Drama series will finally be back. Mad Men, for the uninitiated, is set in the 1960s chronicling the family and work life of Don Draper (Jon Hamm) and his associates at a Madison Avenue advertising firm. Genius writing that plays on some serious quiet moments, matched with cinema-worthy production value and stellar performances from a cast that includes multiple award nominees Hamm, John Slattery, Elizabeth Moss, January Jones and the incomparable Christina Hendricks, make this the flagship series for the AMC network, already known as the home of some of the best shows on television. The previous season ended with new beginnings for a lot of the characters, and I for one can’t wait to finally see where those roads lead. If you haven’t taken the plunge, there’s plenty of time to catch up on the first four brilliant seasons before diving into new episodes this spring.

What new or returning midseason shows are you excited for?

Images courtesy of NBCUniversal, Starz, AMC, and USA Network.

It’s inevitable that some great shows, actors and moments will be left off this list which is part of the reason I wanted to focus on superlatives instead of a top ten. (Much easier to choose.) And of course, not everyone will agree with my opinion, but if we were all attending the Nisi School of TV, this is what the superlatives page in the yearbook would look like.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE CLASS OF 2011

BEST BOW-OUT: Friday Night Lights
About so much more than just a sport, FNL brought rich, real characters to our screens, dealing with everyday life in a small community that just happened to really, really love football, and focusing on a family who truly cared for the town and the teens growing up in it – even though they didn’t always get the same respect back. I cherished that final FNL football game; its story told mostly in silence. And though I often hate flashforwards, I would have felt cheated if we weren’t left with a sense of where our beloved characters ended up. (Eight months down the line in this case.) The Taylors, of course, moved on to the next stage in their lives…outside of Texas. Footballers came and went (some leaving more lasting impression than others) but, luckily for the residents of Dillon, Texas, Coach, Mrs. Coach and the Taylor family always remained, even if only in spirit. “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”

BIGGEST LETDOWN: NBC/ABC execs for curbing Community and Cougar Town
It should be an easy choice. The Playboy Club/Charlie’s Angels both relegated women to boring and useless, though beautiful, archetypes. There was something exciting about an edgier reboot of Charlie’s Angels, but it turned out to be wholly no fun at all. The Playboy Club had a lot of cotton tail and no substance. But the true tragedy above all? NBC/ABC execs curbing the return of Community and Cougar Town. Somehow they let drivel make it to air, but left their most unique and actually funny comedies on the bench.

BEST TRANSPORT: Downton Abbey
Where did this Reading Rainbow network come from, bringing us Masterpieces like Sherlock, and now Downton Abbey? Set in the unsettling early 1900s, since never has the aristocracy and their servants with their romance issues and financial problems been so interesting, mysterious, dramatic and funny.

BEST KEPT SECRET: Fringe
Much like Community was last year (and this year), there’s still little award love, and viewership continues to dwindle for this sci-fi gem. In my eyes, the storytelling and acting have only gotten better, more fascinating, and more unique with each season. John Noble continues to imbed mad scientist Walter with a deep sense of pain and struggle, not only due to his professional life, but his personal life as well. Joshua Jackson is effortless as Peter, a man trying to straddle a life strongly tied to two separate universes, and Anna Torv plays about a million Olivias, and I notice the infinitesimal differences. There are systematic shows, and there are innovative shows, and Fringe is the latter, pushing viewers to think outside the box, while always showing them a good time.

DRAMA QUEENS: Constance (Jessica Lange)  from American Horror Story and Victoria Grayson (Madeleine Stowe) from Revenge
Typically, I’d throw a “king” into the mix, but this was the TV season for women. See the success of New Girl, 2 Broke Girls, Revenge and Once Upon a Time just to name a few. These shows are helmed by strong women, so sorry boys. It’s time to take a back seat. I wish I could pick them all, but these two standouts aren’t even leads (though certain award shows may think differently.) You never know when Constance (American Horror Story) is going to pop up, invading a house that’s no longer hers, or what’s going to come out of her mouth. Most likely it will offend somebody. Victoria Grayson, is quite the opposite, calculated with what she shares and how she’s perceived. Don’t be fooled though. She can appear very silent, but also extremely deadly at the same time. Best of all, these women are at the center of their show’s deep mysteries.

BEST COMEBACKS: Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) and Nicholas Brody (Damian Lewis)
These two haven’t held down a TV series since 1995 (My So-Called Life) and 2009 (Life), respectively, but boy do I wonder how I wasn’t missing these two on screen after such fantastic performances of the equally tortured CIA agent and POW/possible terrorist in Homeland. Carrie and Nicholas should both be seeing a therapist every episode, Tony Soprano-style; that’s how messed up they are. Yet both are also extremely charismatic and intelligent. It’s quite the balancing act for an actor. Add in the 24-level intensity of espionage and terrorism, and it’s a whole different layer of mental taxation. Still, Danes and Lewis appear less like actors during their performances and more like normal people wearing a second, almost sheer, skin of a character.

VILLAINS YOU LOVE TO HATE: The Bennett Family
I’m absolutely Justified (too corny?) in adoring this backwater, racist, drug-toting mom and brood. The Bennett family could murder a man and adopt his daughter, make and deal with a man and then poison him, or beat on each other, and it would only make me love Mags, Coover, Doyle and Dickie more. The clan stuck by their own and against anyone who would do anything to take them down or break them apart. You’ve got to, at least, respect them. If not, just shut up and drink your Apple Pie moonshine.

BIGGEST CRAZE RUN AMOK: Charlie Sheen Mania
Part of me wanted to vomit over the 24-hour obsession with the breakdown of a sad, talented man and another (very small) part of me couldn’t help but join in, eyes unable to tear away from the train wreck. A man with Goddesses sounds like a man with it all, but then he lost his job, his huge paycheck and his goddesses. He could barely sell out a “supposedly” already sold out show. He sat through an extremely awkward Roast, and even more awkwardly, wished his old co-workers and replacement well while presenting at the Emmy’s. There. Was. Nothing. Right. About. ANY. Of. This. MADNESS.

BIGGEST REALITY UPSET: The Jersey Shore…in Italy.
Enough said, but I just can’t keep my mouth shut on this one. It’s like Saved by the Bell going to college. Hello! There are no bells! It just doesn’t make sense. Italy didn’t want them, they certainly didn’t need them, and the cast appeared to hate every moment of their highly overpaid vacation. I couldn’t tell if they were avoiding socializing with the locals or vice versa.

BEST CROSSOVER: Game of Thrones
Westeros is a land full of intrigue, double play, sex, war and revenge and the list goes on and on. So it was no surprise that fans worried how George R. R. Martin’s dense, dialogue-rich and character/plotline-heavy “A Song of Fire and Ice” series would translate on screen. The answer: earnestly and beautifully. In fact, AWESOMELY!

OTHER WINNERS INCLUDE:
BIGGEST BREAKOUT: Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly) and Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)
TIGHTEST CLIQUE: Happy Endings crew
CUTEST COUPLE: Kurt and Blaine (Glee)
BEST COMEBACK: Sarah Michelle Gellar. Ringer may be not so good, but she came back…twice!
PERSON I WISH HAD BEEN MY HIGH SCHOOL BFF : Jenna Hamilton from Awkward.(Ashley Richards)
MOST ANTICIPATED 2011 RETURN: AGAIN! Anything AMC (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, The Walking Dead). These folks sure know how to do a mind-whacking cliffhangers.
2011 TELEVISION MVP: The ladies of TV, of course.

WRAP IT UP
The holidays are upon us, and if this fantastic year of television isn’t something to celebrate, then I don’t know what is. Do you think Charlie Sheen will find success and stability in 2012? Is it possible to have too many reality singing competitions? Will next year be less about the estrogen and all about the testosterone? What mid-season show are you most excited to watch in 2012? Are You There, Chelsea?, Smash, Alcatraz or something else? Sound off below. I can’t wait to hear your 2011 superlatives and 2012 hopes. Until next year!

Images courtesy of CBS, NBC, and Showtime.

For the past few weeks Meredith and Derek have tried to regain custody of Zola in the aftermath of Meredith’s monumental lapse in judgment when she interfered with Derek’s Alzheimer’s trial.  I wonder if she would make the same decision if she had it to do all over again.  I thought things were looking up for them after Alex managed to wrangle a hearing for them in front of a judge; but the social worker notified Meredith that their journey is over.  It’s a crushing blow to the couple, and it looks like Meredith is giving up on the idea of motherhood, at least for now.  Derek feels like he pushed her into the decision and is now afraid of losing Meredith.

Meanwhile, Henry (Scott Foley) has been admitted with very serious complications.  He’s always been ill, but his recent respite probably made Teddy forget just how grave his condition can be.  They have been blissful, but his health troubles threaten to ruin their happiness. He needs to have the tumors surrounding his lungs removed, and Webber doesn’t know how to perform the surgery with a laser, which would be most efficient.  Understandably, he doesn’t want his first time to be on his colleague’s husband.  Teddy has performed the procedure before, but of course she can’t operate on her spouse. That leaves Cristina, who Teddy is confident can perform the procedure just as she would.  They recently performed an identical surgery, and Cristina is the only one who can do it.  Webber is on board, but Owen is hesitant.  As Chief Resident and Cristina’s husband, he thinks the stakes are too high. They all agree that if they can conceal Henry’s identity from Cristina, she should be able to perform the surgery dispassionately and successfully.

While this very intense storyline is at the forefront, there are two other nail-biters playing out.  Callie and Jackson (Jesse Williams) must come to terms with a costly patient error.  A patient who had spinal surgery is near death because one of the screws they inserted in her spine is poking through her heart.  Jackson is still a resident, and he’s going to make mistakes.  Callie makes him feel like he screwed up royally, and he did – but it’s her job to oversee him.  Maybe if she wasn’t reading a magazine while he was operating, she would have noticed something.

Meredith also deals with a patient in dire straits.  She hasn’t had long to think about Zola when Arizona calls her into action. She and Alex must travel to a nearby urgent care center to transport a newborn baby needing surgery.  The weather is terrible, and the ambulance breaks down before they return with the baby.  She needs her tubes and incubator, but it is dangerous for them to remain in the broken down vehicle on a poorly lit road in a thunderstorm.  The paramedic leaves on foot while Meredith and Alex quibble about what to do.  Their ambulance is struck by an oncoming vehicle, and we see the accident from their perspective, in the inside of the ambulance.  They are thrown against the ambulance wall as the vehicle appears to flip over.  Great. Just we need.  The umpteenth tragedy.  My anxiety was eventually alleviated, as Meredith and Alex emerge from the accident largely unscathed.  It looked bad initially, but when they step outside they see just how lucky they actually were.  Three lifeless bodies lay in the road – the occupants of the ill-fated vehicle that struck their ambulance.

Back at Seattle Grace, things take a turn for the worse.  Cristina (Sandra Oh) has no idea that Henry is the patient, so at first she’s all “been there done that” about it, but she ultimately does the best that she can during the surgery.  Things continue to go south and Webber has to intervene the old fashioned way and crack open Henry’s chest.  Their efforts prove futile, and Henry eventually dies on the table.  Webber gave it all he had, and Cristina did a fine job with the laser.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but they will have to tell Teddy that her husband is dead. In an awkward moment, Owen must pretend that Henry is still alive, because Teddy hasn’t finished her own surgery yet on the patient that Callie and Jackson botched.  The episode ends with Teddy still thinking that Henry pulled through.  How sad!!

This was another great episode.  Things haven’t been that intense in a while, and it was a reminder that Grey’s can be equally suspenseful as emotional.  I look forward to seeing if Derek and Meredith re-commit to starting a family or if they accept what has happened to them.  See you next week!

Season 8, Episode 9: Dark Was the Night (original air date November 10, 2011)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC and Jordan Althaus.

The gang is supposed to play a softball game against a rival hospital, and it came as no surprise (at least to me) that none of them are very good (or terribly interested) in playing. Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) and Cristina (Sandra Oh) get drunk in the outfield, Teddy begs for the chance to pitch, and everyone generally complains about how they have better places to be.

Except Mark (Eric Dane) who is busy making out with an eye doctor from the opposing team. If you’ll recall, last week Callie (Sara Ramirez) put the kibosh on him and Arizona’s (Jessica Capshaw) excessive bonding time in the kitchen. She told him he needed to start having sex again, and apparently he took her advice, which makes everyone happy.

Or almost everyone, because Lexie (Chyler Leigh) doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much at all.

Owen (Kevin McKidd) is struggling with the new chief position, and sees the softball game as a chance to bring his staff together as a team under his leadership.  He takes his coaching skills back to the hospital as well, putting them to good use when Derek (Patrick Dempsey) turns down a patient. A mother brings in her daughter (who has a brain tumor) and requests a standard procedure. Derek believes he can try something new and remove the entire tumor, giving the girl a life she never expected to have, but at a much higher risk. When the mother doesn’t want to gamble with her daughter’s life, Derek advises them to return home and get the standard surgery from any number of competent neurosurgeons.

Hunt disagrees, telling Derek “we don’t send people home. That’s not who we are. It’s not who you are.”

It seems the Zola situation is affecting Derek more than he lets on, even though he and Meredith have managed to maneuver their marriage at least somewhat back on track (still with the understanding they don’t talk about work.)

For her part, Meredith is still secretly helping with Bailey’s trial, unable to let her mother’s research go until she has figured it out. She does, but Bailey (Chandra Wilson) continues to be a hateful you-know-what about Meredith being anywhere near her lab. To be honest, this whole storyline bothers me, because it’s out of character for Bailey to be so unforgiving. Yes, everyone knows Meredith screwed up. But everyone forgave Izzy for way worse back in the day.

Their feud explodes on the baseball field, Meredith being drunk enough to ask Bailey what her problem is to her face. Ex-Chief Webber (James Pickens, Jr.) puts a stop to it, insisting that whether or not they like each other right now, they need one another to get the trial back on track – which is the most important thing. Looks like Bailey and Meredith will be working together (getting Meredith out of those “ridiculous pink scrubs”) at least for the foreseeable future.

Callie is pretty much the only doctor at the hospital who continues to connect with her patients, and her story this week is endearing and heartfelt. A garbage man falls from his truck and is crushed by a car, leaving his hand demolished. Which would be a sad thing to begin with, but turns out the man’s passion is woodcarving – something he’ll no longer be able to do if he loses his fingers. Callie works her crazy ortho-magic and ends the episode with a beautiful message about the things that let us live and the things that are worth living for.

Poor Avery. I have to say, he’s been growing on me this season. I’m not sure I’m even on a Mark and Lexie bandwagon anymore, but it’s clear from this week’s episode that’s where Shonda is taking us. Lexie is having a jealousy issue with Mark and his new girlfriend, even though Derek assures her it will last no time at all. When she loses her cool during the game and beans the girl in the chest (Lexie, um, thought she was stealing), Avery calls her out. He (and everyone else) realizes there’s something between Lexie and Mark, and it looks like we’re going to explore just what that is in the weeks to come.

If you’ll notice, I’ve pretty much wrapped up this review and I’ve yet to mention Alex (Justin Chambers) once. He wasn’t around the hospital much, because he was busy trying to track down Zola’s adoption records and find out what was going on with her case. He bribes a public official (illegal) and tries to influence a federal judge (also illegal) to put the baby back in MerDer’s care because of her medical issues, if nothing else. It seemed as though his little quest failed, then at the end of the episode the judge agreed to set a hearing date for their case. Looks like we’ll be moving forward on that storyline soon as well.

Tidbits:

* Cristina finally pleased Teddy by letting April take the lead on a cardiac case. It looks as though she’ll be returning to her old form soon. On the downside, she and Owen are still not talking about her abortion, a fact that surely will blow up in their faces soon.

* Henry (Scott Foley) was around, getting the bad news that his eyelet device might cause diabetes since they’re having trouble with the trial. I hope he doesn’t die. I love Scott Foley.

* Next week George’s mom is returning to the hospital. Interested to see what old feelings she stirs up in everyone, as well as a potential Mark and Lexie reunion!

Season 8, Episode 7 “Put Me In, Coach” (original airdate October 27, 2011)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursday nights at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC/RICHARD CARTWRIGHT.

It’s a bit disheartening to think of doctors trying to preserve their win-loss record like a college football coach.  Their patients are real people with families, not just numbers on a stat sheet.  Even the best surgeons lose patients; they’re not God.  That being said, the residents still want to keep the losses to a minimum.  To that end, they are trying to end up on rotations that will challenge and impress without being too risky.  Adversity doesn’t just build character, it reveals it.  Some of the residents did themselves no favors by playing it safe.

Cristina (Sandra Oh)  ends up with Callie in an orthopedic surgery involving a patient with permanently poor posture.  Say that three times fast.  The young man’s neck is permanently in a downward position, as if he’s looking at his feet.  Cristina thought she’d have a routine fracture procedure or hip replacement, but Callie assumed that Renegade Cristina would welcome a challenge and thus presented her with a very complicated case.  The neck surgery will actually entail three separate procedures and is far from routine.  Cristina clams up when she sees that it won’t be the cakewalk she imagined, and when things get dicey during the procedure – she chickens out by asking that her name be taken off the procedure.  When the patient is out of the woods it’s too late for her to attach herself again.  No guts, no glory.  If you’re too afraid to get the losses then you don’t deserve the victories either.  Callie cautions her that she may be losing that part of her that made her a good surgeon in the first place by playing it safe.

Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) has recently been working in Obstetrics, which is considered a monumental downgrade.  Her peers chide her for sporting scrubs from the “vagina squad,” but she ignores their good-natured ribbing.  Meanwhile, Little Grey has taken her place with Derek in Neuro.  She’s not finding him too friendly of a boss, but that changes when she brings him a patient with a challenging brain tumor – a woman for whom Meredith just delivered a baby girl.  The woman and her husband must decide if they should proceed with the risky procedure or be content with what little time they have left.

While some are taking risks, some are playing it safe.  Alex (Justin Chambers) has always been pretty ballsy, but the fifth year jitters are getting to him too.  A patient presents for open heart surgery, and is concerned about the scar that will be left after the procedure.  He asks about another procedure that will be just as effective, but will not leave a scar.  It’s called a “tavi,” and it’s a lot riskier than the standard procedure.  Alex wants to minimize his losses and doesn’t want to perform the tavi.  Teddy is supervising him, and ultimately it is she that performs the procedure because Alex seems unwilling.  Just like Cristina, Alex punks out.  It was good to see more depth of character in this episode.  Alex and Cristina are known as two of the more gutsy residents, but they chickened out when the chips were down.  Will they over-compensate next week by taking unnecessary risks?

This was another great episode.  One thing to watch out for in the coming weeks is Kepner settling into her role as Chief Resident, and whether or not Meredith is able to mend fences with Bailey, who has not forgiven her for costing Richard his job.  Stay tuned!

Season 8, Episode 6: “Poker Face” (original air date October 20, 2011).

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC and Ron Tom.

The elder Dr. Avery presents a unique opportunity for Seattle Grace with a cutting edge surgery.  She reveals her patient, a young man named Ryan.  Ryan was fortunate to beat penile Cancer, but it left him without a penis.  Seattle Grace has the chance to make history as the first hospital to successfully perform a penis transplant.  The residents are chomping at the bit to be selected to assist with the procedure, and the winner will be chosen by skills lab performance.  Mark takes the lead because he views the procedure as one best suited for Plastics, though he thinks the patient should get a prosthetic penis instead.

The elder Avery is like most mothers: prying and doting.  Jackson (Jessie Williams)  sent Lexie out of town for a couple of days, in preparation for his mother’s visit. He didn’t want her to have to answer a thousand nosy questions. Catherine is a brilliant doctor but meddlesome mother.  Jackson tells the others that she has a problem respecting boundaries.  She also berates her son for his choice to work in Plastics with Mark instead of with Derek in Neurosurgery.

If Jackson wants his mother to respect his professional choices, he’s going to have to prove that he’s becoming a better surgeon.  He gets his chance during the transplant surgery.  He and Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) win the skills lab battle and are chosen fair and square, so there are no concerns of nepotism when Jackson assists his mother.  When  Meredith is called away from the surgery,  April fills in.  She later makes a critical error that threatens the transplant, and Jackson saves the day with a complicated procedure that he learned from Mark.  This pretty much shuts Catherine up and validates his choice to work in plastic surgery.

The most intense storyline involved Derek and Meredith.  They haven’t heard anything about Zola from the social worker, and Derek is getting anxious.  Meredith tells him to be patient, but things take a turn for the worse when Alex (Justin Chambers)  receives a page during the skills lab.  The page is for Zola, who has been admitted with seizures.  She has a high fever and a distended abdomen.  Alex wants to page Derek (Patrick Dempsey) and Meredith, but Arizona and the social worker tell him there’s no way he can do that.  It would be a breach of confidentiality and it could jeopardize the adoption, which is already on shaky ground.  Alex wrestles with the decision because he feels like he’s already ruined Meredith’s life once when he tattled on her, and he doesn’t want to mess up with her again.

Alex tells Cristina that Zola has been admitted and the two of them agree to tell Derek and Meredith.  Derek goes crazy and wants to intervene, but Meredith is the cooler head.  It takes Owen, Arizona and Meredith all to convince Derek to let Arizona handle it.  He fears that the shunt he implanted is causing a problem and so he’s the one that should fix it.  He will have to trust Arizona to heal Zola while he and Meredith wait.  This ordeal brings them closer together, although I’m sure they would have preferred different circumstances.  At the close of the episode they find out that Zola will be fine.  They run into their social worker while she waits for the elevator, and she can see from their faces that they’ve shed some tears.  She realizes that they knew about Zola but didn’t intervene.  Maybe that will be considered in their favor when a final custody determination is made.

This was another entertaining episode, and although last week was a nice change of pace, I’m glad to return to the regular format.  Although Mama Avery was nosy, she picked up on Mark’s residual feelings for Lexie when he attempted to tell her how lucky Jackson was to have her.  Is Mark still holding a torch for Lexie?  I’m sure that’s something that will resurface this season.  Stay tuned!

Season 8, Episode 4: Loss, Love, and Legacy (original air date October 13, 2011)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of ABC and Richard Cartwright.

The fifth year residents are strutting around the hospital like proud peacocks.  There’s a new crop of interns to punish, plus they will get a chance to perform their own solo surgeries.  That’s too much ego to contain, so when April tries to assert herself as Chief Resident, she meets with a lot of resistance.  This whole set up is like when a parent leaves one child in charge of their sibling, who is only a year or two younger.  It doesn’t really work because there’s no respect.  The person giving you orders seems more like a peer than a boss.  April tries to direct them, but they pretty much do whatever they want to do.  Callie confides to April that she was once Chief Resident and couldn’t hack it.  She encourages April but admits that she might not be cut out for the job, and there’s no shame in that. 

Avery pleads with Teddy to perform a solo cleft lip surgery without assistance.  She assigns the cosmetic procedure to Sloan instead, even though it’s Avery who had been working with the patient first.  Eventually she agrees to let Avery perform the surgery after he makes a compelling argument.  Cristina is eyeing a valve resection, under Teddy’s supervision.  Alex has some sort of gastro intestinal procedure, and Meredith will be performing brain surgery on a man with an aneurysm.  Teddy has been trying to impress upon Cristina the importance of the simple, easy steps.  Because she’s trying to teach her a lesson, she doesn’t allow Cristina to perform the valve surgery and decides to give her an easy appendectomy instead. 

All of the residents end up with less than successful surgical outcomes except for Meredith.  Arizona psyched Avery out of his cleft lip surgery, and Mark had to intervene.  Cristina inexplicably forgot one of the steps during the appendectomy, and Teddy didn’t remember either! One of the nurses had to pitch in.  Alex didn’t make any mistakes, but his patient did not survive.  It is Meredith who exceeded expectations, despite bumping heads with Derek in the O.R.  She made a judgment call and the procedure resulted in success.

Derek was not too impressed with Meredith’s successful solo, because he thinks that she acts recklessly and without proper regard for consequences.  Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it’s not.  This compassionate, but reckless abandon is what lead Meredith to stand in front of a deranged gunman for Derek, almost taking a bullet for him.  It’s also what leads to her interference with his trial.  I think Derek finds her behavior frustrating and dangerous.  Through it all, he takes his marital vows seriously and is trying to hang in there with Meredith.

Owen and Cristina are doing slightly better than they were last week.  Cristina had the abortion, and their interactions have been awkward and stilted ever since.  She confides in Meredith that she thinks Owen is still upset about the whole thing and may have some residual resentment towards her.  Nevertheless, she agrees to have a celebratory dinner for him, since he was given Chief Webber’s vacant position.  When they settle in for dinner at home, she realizes that Owen has no anger about what has happened.  They actually appear to be doing just fine, which is great for Cristina.

I thought it was a good episode that continued to flesh out the interpersonal dynamics around the halls of Seattle Grace.  I think a big theme this season will be people’s adjustment and acceptance of change and their ability to rise to the occasion.  April will have to find her way as Chief Resident, and the other residents will have added responsibilities as well.  Webber will not be the fixture he once was, and Meredith and Derek will continue to fight for their marriage and their child.  High drama! I think the season is off to a pretty good start.

Season 8, Episode 3 Grey’s Anatomy: Take the Lead (original air date September 29, 2011)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Jordin Althaus and ABC.

An albeit loose contemporary interpretation of The Count of Monte Cristo, Revenge follows Emily Thorne (Emily Van Camp, Everwood), an independently wealthy newcomer on the social scene, as she enters the Hamptons for the summer thanks to a last minute lease on a great beach house and a chance to spend some time with her friend, event planner Ashley (Ashley Madekwe, Secret Diary of a Call Girl). Her house just happens to make her next door neighbor to the Grayson family, headed by social diva of the Hamptons Victoria (Madeleine Stowe). Emily even catches the eye of their young son, reformed party boy Daniel (Joshua Bowman). Could there possibly be a bit more than chance or spontaneous holiday that brings this group together?

Years ago, Victoria fell in love with Emily’s father and was supposed to run away with him. Instead, she and her friends—the rest of the Hamptons social scene—implicated him in an insider trading scheme and terrorist plot that ended up sending an innocent man to jail until he died. His daughter, Amanda Clarke, became Emily Thorne as a means to seek vengeance on the people who ruined her life. As an audience, we’ll get to find out the details of how Amanda became Emily throughout the season. So far, all we know is her seemingly limitless resources come from her father’s half ownership of financial guru and social pariah Nolan Ross’ (Gabriel Mann) company.

But the twists keep coming, and we’re only two hours in. While somewhat falling for Daniel Grayson, considering the pilot episode starts with their engagement party before a gunshot lets us know Daniel isn’t meant to survive the series run, it turns out Emily might find herself in a bit of a love triangle. You might actually call it a square, considering Jack (Nick Wechsler, Roswell) is actually Amanda’s childhood crush, even if they were five at the time. Jack hasn’t seen Amanda in almost two decades, so he doesn’t recognize Emily. Luckily, that’s what his dog Sam is for, and Nolan, of course, who’s eager to play Robin to her Batman.

Rounding out the supporting cast are Connor Paolo as Jack’s younger brother Declan, who seems to have all but fled his former life on Gossip Girl. Unlike his older brother, who’s just trying to keep his family’s bar and grill The Stowaway from foreclosure, Declan is more interested in getting into as much of the local summer party as possible to further a wrong side of the tracks flirtation with the younger Grayson offspring Charlotte (Christa B. Allen), who’s on a break from her current boyfriend.

The premise seems convoluted, but is actually easy to follow in the context of an hour. With an interesting formula of season long mystery and episodic take-downs, I think Revenge is worth settling into for the long haul. I’m obviously curious about the events of the prologue, which take place at the end of summer. But more so, I’m interested in what direction Emily’s path will take her in. Revenge is never a straight line. Right now, she’s struck at the finances and reputations of her first targets. Could a little wet works be far away? Van Camp plays her role with a perfect icy exterior ever-so slightly hidden behind a smile. What’s it going to be like to see her in those moments when she really cracks? The closing scene of last night’s episode with the lone birthday candle showed us a glimpse of Emily mourning the loss of Amanda.

Just how far is she willing to take her crusade? And who along the way will learn her secrets? Scenes from next week suggest that Victoria, who’s been investigating Emily since the moment they met, may have uncovered some holes in her story. Worse for Emily is it appears Jack isn’t going away anytime soon, even if he isn’t part of the Hamptons it-crowd social scene, and somehow manages to find the chinks in her armor. Still, at the root of it all, I’m excited for more devious takedown schemes.

After all, as Emily told us in the pilot, this is not a story about forgiveness.

Season 1, Episodes 1 and 2: “Pilot” and “Trust” (originally aired September 21 and 28, 2011)

Revenge airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on ABC

Images courtesy of ABC

When we pick up the action it’s clear that Derek and Meredith are in trouble.  She’s still in the doghouse with Derek, and Alex is still in the doghouse with Meredith.  He’s been ostracized because his peers think that he betrayed one of their own.  Things go from bad to worse when Meredith is fired and Alex realizes once and for all that he can’t undo what’s been done.  He’s depressed and has turned into a mope.  He will have to find a way to regain everyone’s trust, and it won’t be easy.

A familiar plot device with Grey’s is the disaster or big emergency that will unite everyone in a singular task.  For the season premiere, a huge sinkhole has swallowed up some citizens, injuring them severely.  A couple in crisis is among the injured, and the wife will have her leg amputated at the scene.  At first Owen (Kevin McKidd) and Callie (Sara Ramirez) attempt to walk her husband through the procedure, as it is too dangerous for any of them to travel down in the sinkhole.  It was gut-wrenching to watch the husband attempt the impossible task of amputating his wife’s leg.  He tried but could not complete the procedure.  Owen risked his life, repelling down into the sinkhole to save the couple.  After seeing the man suffering greatly, he knew that he could not perform the amputation, and it was unfair of them to ask him.  I think subconsciously Owen didn’t mind risking his life, because he feels that his own family structure is in jeopardy and he doesn’t have the same incentive not to risk his life that others may have.  He tells Callie that she can’t go in the sinkhole with him, because she has a wife and baby to live for. 

Owen may not have the same family structure as Callie, but he has a wife that needs him.  Cristina is unwavering in her choice to terminate her pregnancy, and if she keeps the baby to appease Owen she will end up miserable for the rest of her life.  Meredith explains to Owen that she knows what it’s like to have a surgeon-mother who seems to value her career over her child.  It’s not a fun feeling and Cristina doesn’t want to subject a child to that.  It’s a difficult decision, and she could use the support of the man that pledged to love her for life.  Owen softens and it looks like he finally accepts Cristina’s decision. 

Alex gets his chance to atone for his mistake with Meredith when she makes a rash decision.  Fearing that Zola would be removed from her custody by the social worker, Meredith takes the child and flees.  She ignores all phone calls and pages. Finally she comes to her senses after the temporary split with reality.  Alex makes up a story about needing to run some tests on Zola and how that’s the reason Meredith was distracted.  She says that she didn’t get the pages because she’d been fired so she turned the pager in.  It’s a flimsy story and unfortunately the social worker recognizes Meredith’s dishonesty and removes Zola from their home because their circumstances have changed. 

Last but not least, April is the new Chief Resident! She has the logistical part figured out but doesn’t have command or authority over the other doctors.  She isn’t assertive, and the sinkhole disaster is exposing flaws in her leadership.  Bailey decides to conduct a “Gunther,” a team-building exercise used to eliminate interpersonal differences among doctors.  They all work together on a real patient, and one of them will emerge as a natural leader while others are more suited to taking direction.  Of course it initially appears that Cristina is the natural leader, but when her competitive nature nearly kills Alex in the OR, a new leader emerges and  Avery is the Gunther.  Just when Sloan had underestimated him.  This doesn’t bode well for April as Chief Resident, but she managed to survive her first day.

This was a good two hour episode; jam packed with more than enough drama to start the new season.  There were some really sappy, cheesy moments but I’m willing to overlook them, for now. Good start.

Grey’s Anatomy Season 8 Episode 1 and 2: “Free Falling/She’s Gone” (original air date September 22, 2011).

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Ron Tom and ABC.

Most Anticipated New Show

New Girl. What’s not to love about this show? Headlined by the adorable Zooey Deschanel, it’s both hysterical and cute. This will be one of the strongest new shows this fall. It’s definitely my favorite new show. -Allison Toner

I saw the pilot of New Girl and can’t wait to see more. Yes, it mostly consists of Zooey Deschanel playing a character I like to call Quirky McQuirkerson, but the show has the potential to be sweet and consistently fun. -Lauren Tyree

Hands down, Revenge. Emily VanCamp is a gift, but this literally-titled new drama is easily the most captivating new show of the year for me. -Josh Hatala

Ringer. Yes, it’s the return of Buffy! Twice! Sarah Michelle Gellar hasn’t done much acclaimed work since, but don’t think the Scooby Gang and I won’t kick your butt if the TV gods take her away from me again. -Inisia Lewis

The River. After interviewing Oren Peli and the cast at San Diego Comic-Con, I’m really excited to have a show that combines X-Files and The Amazon, plus it looks really creepy. If I’m going to reveal my guilty pleasure though, then I would say The Secret Circle. I know at this point the whole supernatural genre is everywhere, but I’m a sucker for these. Plus Kevin Williamson and The WB, I mean The CW – it’s a ’90s reunion! -Nicole C

Terra Nova. Man ruins Earth. Man goes back in time to survive. Man doesn’t get what he bargained for and gets eaten by dinosaurs! That’s all you need to know about Terra Nova. That, and it was partially produced by Steven Spielberg, who from what I hear is a pretty popular guy. -Desiree Neall

Most Anticipated Returning Show

Psych. The last time we saw my favorite fake psychic detective and his sidekick Gus was December 2010. I can barely wait any longer for their return and to see the many guest stars they’ve lined up including Molly Ringwald, Danny Glover and William Shatner. Is it October 12^th yet? –Allison Toner

I don’t know how I made it through the summer without Community. I hope Season 3 will be just as Changtacular as the previous two. -Lauren Tyree

After the dramatic turns in the last few episodes in its second season, I can’t wait to see what’s coming up on The Good Wife. Even the move to Sundays couldn’t keep me away from Kalinda. I hope they don’t skimp out on the details of what happened behind that closed hotel door. -Josh Hatala

Fringe. Where’s Peter? Undoubtedly, last season wasn’t the last time we’ll ever see him, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. I can’t wait to find out how he’s weaved back into the show. -Inisia Lewis

The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural. Because I need to know what new and insane twists the writers are going to do to throw me off my predictions for the Salvatore brothers, and I am looking forward to seeing Castiel as god. -Nicole C

Who isn’t looking forward to the return of The Walking Dead? The actors are great, the make-up and special effects are superb, and it already has a solid story line thanks to the comic series. The show certainly has had its share of rumors and “not cool” moments behind the scenes, but I’m praying that it doesn’t affect the future too negatively for this awesome production. -Desiree Neall

Most Likely to be a Disappointment

The Office. I just can’t imagine this show without Michael Scott’s (Steve Carell) shenanigans. It just can’t be as funny. Hope I’m wrong. –Allison Toner

As much as I like the whole retro vibe, Pan Am will probably be aggressively bland. Good concept, but it looks like a mediocre execution. -Lauren Tyree

Terra Nova looks like one of the many disappointing blockbusters of the summer…just on TV. -Josh Hatala

Charlie’s Angels - I would say H8R but it’s hard to be a disappointment when there aren’t high expectations. The

Charlie’s Angels update looks like it could be a lot of fun, but so far it’s shaping up to be straight up man candy, not exactly the demographic I’m a part of. -Inisia Lewis

Ringer. I caught part of the pilot, and as much as I love Sarah Michelle Gellar, the show just wasn’t exciting enough for me and I changed channels. Great cast though. -Nicole C

As someone who has been exposed to more than her fair share of ABC’s treasured Bachelor franchise, I wanted to know why the world’s most successful and long-running televised romance competition seems to attract so many questionable personalities. Though it appears the answer is in the question, Vienna was quick to defend many of the show’s alums while still offering her perspective on the divisive star of Season 14. After agreeing that many of the eligible men we’ve seen onscreen seem to exhibit clear signs of pathological narcissism, Vienna clarified, “I think that it’s common, but it’s not all the guys who have it. Jake just has a very angry personality. From the beginning, I heard from his family to be very careful with him. But all ABC sees is this nice guy who does everything in the correct way.”

We savvy viewers realized long ago that Jake is nothing if not a master manipulator, well-versed in the art of camera-ready charm at the expense of personal integrity. Though my slight bias may be unprofessional, Vienna didn’t seem to mind. Accepting my congratulations for having successfully escaped such a clearly unhealthy engagement, Vienna said with a sigh, “I was terrified during that time. I was miserable. Thank God I have people who care about me.” Now, after his recent exit from the Bachelor Pad game (in which top prize takes the form of $250,000), we can finally leave Jake in the rearview mirror where he belongs. Again, so totally over it.

Vienna isn’t the first to bemoan the cruelty of reality show editing, but her frustration was palpable during our discussion of what is now commonly accepted as just another part of “the process” by many participants. “People really don’t get to see all of who we are in those few minutes out of hours and hours of footage,” she lamented. “[The cameras] always catch the three seconds of fighting. It’s like walking in on a husband and wife fighting and not seeing the day-to-day. People don’t get the big picture. Things are always moved around and taken out of context,” said Vienna, noting a recent creatively-spliced scene in which she appeared to be laughing dismissively at a sweet serenade from Kasey. “I would never do that to him. I wouldn’t!” she laughed.

It can’t be an altogether pleasant experience to be caricatured on national TV by men who make their fortunes exploiting the unrealistic hopes of often unstable egos. Vienna has had to reconcile her own self-image with public opinion since her primetime debut, confronting rumors of wanton fame-seeking and vapidity, infidelity and promiscuity. When I inquired about how viewers typically approach her on the street, she answered, “People I see in person pretty much support me and are kind,” making sure to mention how “nice” it is to “meet fans” in the flesh. As always, it’s a whole ‘nother story in the virtual world, and Vienna doesn’t take too seriously anyone who needs to hide behind a screen of anonymity in order to speak freely.

Despite the largely private personal life she lives even as her show is being aired months after taping, she explained, the general perception is that she’s on a constant quest for validation from Hollywood and the masses. “Online, I get some very negative hate mail,” she revealed matter-of-factly, to the surprise of absolutely no one. A thin bleach-blonde with an expensive rack and a penchant for getting her way? It’s too easy, after all, and refreshingly, Vienna seems as bored by the cliché as are the rest of us.

Considering the many pitfalls of such a lifestyle, I invited Vienna to explain what makes the reality spotlight worthwhile. The financial rewards are obvious, and apparently some people actually enjoy being primped and gawked at by millions, but is that enough? With all the diplomacy and tact of a pageant hopeful, the Sanford, Florida, native offered a response which seemed oddly sincere coming from her. “I’ve been given huge opportunities by The Bachelor…Before going on the show, I had never seen a skyscraper in real life before. I had just graduated from college and never left my area. I had never even seen a real city up until that point!”

To hear Vienna tell it, she couldn’t have dreamed of such wonders absent the fortuitous circumstances designed by ABC, and the relationships she’s built along the way were an unexpected bonus. “A lot of people you see on our show are real. Michelle Money has one of the best hearts of anyone. Ella is a good friend,” she said, praising Erica Rose as well. I asked how I might be able to discern the real from the fake when it comes to friendship, figuring reality TV cameras must be the ultimate litmus test. “You can tell when you have true friends who are there for you,” Vienna offered. “Pick people who will drive five hours to your new apartment to help you move furniture and then crash on your couch at the end of the day.” It’s the kind of advice that sounds simple enough to be true, even when spoken softly through the billowing smoke and cracked mirrors of Los Angeles.

Catch the finale of ABC’s Bachelor Pad on Monday September 12th at 8/7c.

For more on The Bachelor, click here.

Lana Parrilla, Robert Carlyle

This October, ABC will premiere an ambitious and imaginative new series based on fairy tales, something not often seen on network television outside of miniseries and TV movies.  Once Upon a Time stars Jennifer Morrison (House) as a woman who is found by the young son she gave up for adoption (Jared Gilmore, Mad Men) 10 years ago.  We come to learn that he believes she is the daughter of Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin, Big Love) and Prince Charming (Josh Dallas, Thor), and that the town of Storybrooke, Maine, is populated by fairy tale characters.

It’s an ambitious project, certainly, but one the cast and producers hope will resonate with viewers.  Given the nature of the show, it’s not surprising that the actors would have had some reservations about joining the cast. “When you read the scripts, you think, god this is gonna be really cheesy, just the sound of the dialogue and everything,” said Lana Parrilla (Miami Medical), who portrays both the Evil Queen and Mayor Regina.  “[But] I think what the writers have done successfully, what the actors have done is…they’ve humanized these fairy tale characters.”  Morrison agreed, saying what drew them to the show was “the writing, the writing, the writing.” The actors all loved the idea of exploring “these iconic characters that we all know and show a different side to them that we don’t know.  And look at them as real people with real problems and real issues to deal with,” said Dallas.

Each member of the cast was determined to bring a strong sense of relatability and humanity to his or her character.  Parrilla dug deep, talking with the writers and rereading fairy tales such as Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood, and, of course, Rumpelstiltskin, determined to find out what made the Evil Queen become evil.  “There’s some real, human emotions being expressed; there’s betrayal, there’s vanity.  Hatred.  But it all stems from some kind of pain,  because you can’t be evil just for the sake of being evil.”

“Any performance is about honesty,” Robert Carlyle (Stargate Universe) added. “You buy every second of it because it’s coming from the heart.  So you play these characters, no matter how ugly, from the heart.  You touch people with it.”  Goodwin hopes to make her Snow White “terribly flawed.”  She believes that their objective is “to make the audience believe that these are the real people, the real relatable people, upon whom the Disney [and other movies] are based on.  And our princesses are definitely not perfect.”

Morrison was eager to depart from the princess as damsel in distress cliche so often seen in fairy tales.  “[The creators] realized it’s really important to portray these women with integrity, and with intelligence, and with strength and power and not in a way… that’s contrived, but in a way that’s really relatable to right now, in this moment,” she said passionately.  “You don’t want to put a bunch of women on the screen that are damsels in distress because that’s sending a terrible message to little girls right now.  We’re in a time when women are balancing careers and families and children and all sorts of things and they’re doing it beautifully. We’re just coming into a time where the world is limitless for young girls and what they’re capable of, and we forget sometimes how close we are to it being different.  It really wasn’t that long ago that women couldn’t get certain jobs or weren’t respected in certain arenas and so it is sort of the reinvention of the way you think of a fairy tale princess.” “And Prince Charming doesn’t like that kind of woman,” Dallas drawled.  “He likes strong, strong women.”

Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Josh Dallas

Carlyle, who plays Rumpelstiltskin and Mr. Gold, was particularly interested in exploring the two different worlds.  One takes place in the Enchanted Forest and is full of princesses, fairies, and magical creatures, where characters like Geppetto and Snow White mingle.  As a result of a curse by the Evil Queen, these characters are thrown into our world, where Rumpelstiltskin becomes the mysterious Mr. Gold, who owns the town, and the Queen herself becomes the Mayor, who is also the foster mother of the 10-year-old boy.  Snow White is his teacher, Mary Margaret Blanchard, and Prince Charming is a comatose John Doe.

Creators/Executive Producers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, who honed their storytelling skills on series like Felicity and Lost, have had a vision for this show for the past eight years and are excited to finally be bringing Once Upon a Time to our television sets.  They are very optimistic that they will succeed, even in the generally quiet, but family-friendly, Sunday evening timeslot.  They feel that both the network and the studio have been extremely supportive of them so far.  And while they do have an idea of where they’d like the show to go, they remain focused on the first 12 episodes in case they do not get picked up for more.  Viewers will be pleased to know that they promise they will hold nothing back in these episodes (“all killer, no filler”) and hope to surprise us along the way.

Given the success of the Shrek franchise and recent movies like Enchanted and Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, there’s clearly a market for fairy tales these days, but will it translate well on the small screen?  Only time will tell.  All signs point to a happy ending, though.  There was a lot of buzz about it at San Diego Comic-Con this year and a standing room only audience responded positively to an advanced screening of the premiere episode.  “I’m surprised we’re getting away with this, honestly.  It works overall.  It completely works.  You read the script and I just thought, ‘wow, this is a brilliant script, but how are we were going to film this?’” Parrilla wondered. “They made it work.  It’s magic.”

Once Upon a Time premieres Sunday, October 23 at 8/7c on ABC.

For more on Comic-Con, click here.

Images courtesy of ABC, Ayang and Poptimal.com

Ash begins by recapping her hometown dates with the three remaining men. They all went well, in her estimation, and she left with a much better understanding of each potential mate after interacting with their families. Ben, she says, “is everything that I’ve been looking for, and there’s never a dull moment with him.” He can be goofy and silly but sincere and honest at the same time, while allowing Ashley to be herself with no pretense. She thinks of Constantine as mature, smart, thoughtful, and honest. Though she can see their partnership “lasting a very long time,” she acknowledges, “My relationship with Constantine is moving very slow.” JP looked like a model right out of the limo, and Ash had no idea how she got so lucky. She describes him as a grown man who’s very sincere and reveals that she “knew after the first date.” “Sometimes you don’t need 20 dates to find out how you feel about somebody,” she explains. I think the instant chemistry and ease between JP and Ashley sets them apart as a couple; all of the men may very well be mature and honest indeed, but which of them actually excites her?

Too suddenly, we go from a pensive Ashley writing in a prop journal in her Fiji villa next to the water to a shot of an unwanted visitor approaching with a determined stare soaked in delusions and impotent self-importance. Of course, it’s Ryan, accompanied by ominous tones on the soundtrack. Cowering, we watch him approach the decadent seaside villa while his voiceover informs us of his intent. Apparently, he thinks there are things left “unexplored” with Ashley. “What if she’s regretting sending me home?” She isn’t. This is such a silly piece of plotting, and I don’t think anything happens on this show without the hands of the producers meddling at some point in the process. If ABC didn’t hold a conference call to convince Ryan to creepily impose himself on Ashley in Fiji, they at least purchased his plane ticket when he brought up the idea.

Ryan surprises Ashley at her door, and she looks surprised and a bit weirded out. Calling him “Ry,” she wears the same pasted-on grin that can be seen on the faces of cult members at dinnertime and recites twice that it’s good to see him. They sit down so that Ryan can explain himself. He had a whole plane ride to prepare a speech, but all he can say is that their one-on-one date wasn’t “conducive to passion” or something, and they weren’t able to “see things through.” He speaks frantically, hoping he can provoke self-doubt and confusion (the way to a woman’s heart). Acting as if Chris Harrison simply lifted his eyes from a book and nodded toward the right direction, Ryan says, “Like, wow, like, I really feel that we didn’t get to see things through. So I called Chris, [who said], ‘alright, she’s in Fiji.’” He’s brimming over with anxiety and entitlement, telling Ashley that he wants to spend time with her “so bad” but doesn’t want her to rush a response. “I’m here for a couple days,” he says, urging her to wait and think before providing an answer. This is his way of ensuring she thinks about him while on dates with the other men, but I hope she’s too smart to fall for that. Ashley doesn’t really speak before they say goodbye, so I look for signs of life and hope she’ll come to the right decision (much like the one she already made before it was disrespected and discarded by yet another camera-whoring prick).

I am so tired of this wine-making bore that I don’t know what to do with myself. Ben and Ashley meet on the sand somewhere and hug and kiss before boarding a boat for their date. He tells viewers that his connection with the bachelorette is “effortless,” which I think means he’s her safe bet in case JP gets cold feet. Ashley tells Ben how nervous she was to meet his mother. “I wanted her to like me,” she admits in a small voice, to which Ben can only answer, “I got a really good feeling from my mom and my sister.” Ashley calls their relationship “easy and comfortable.” At least one of us is at ease, because I’m crawling out of my skin as they smear sunblock on each other, Ashley straddling him under the white clouds. “It’s like we’re on a honeymoon or something,” she gushes to the camera before they dive in to snorkel alongside swarms of gorgeous, colorful fish. “I feel protected,” Ashley reports. “Today was perfect,” says Ben.

The two wild and crazy kids head over to dinner atop picturesque sand. “It’s been a long time since I felt this way for someone, since I’ve been in love,” Ben tells us, adding that he’s nervously awaiting his opportunity to say ‘I love you’ to Ashley and mean it tonight. As they eat and recap their day, both marveling at their comfort level, Ashley asks Ben what would need to happen in order to push their relationship further. “One of us would have to come forward and commit,” replies Ben, who then implies that he’s available and willing to spend the rest of his life with Ashley. “My feelings are growing, and I’m on my way to the whole ‘I love you’ thing,” he tells her. While that was a bit less direct than one might have hoped, Ash goes for it, kisses him, and reveals in a talking head that she’s so excited for the two of them to demonstrate their love to one another in private. Ashley hands Ben the fantasy suite invitation from Chris, which offers them the option of forgoing their individual rooms for a shared suite tonight. To Ben, it’s a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card; he accepts the invite for a nightcap and tells the camera, “I don’t think I’m gonna tell Ashley that I love her tonight,” insisting they can look at each other and “get it.” How convenient. Beautiful private quarters await, complete with a bed covered in rose petals, sitting in a large room which opens up to a pool. Ben and Ashley take a quick dip before he carries her out of the water toward the bedroom. They kiss some more. “I can see myself with Ben, and I can say that I’m really falling in love with him,” says Ash.

Constantine takes his turn next; he meets up with his date the next morning and boards a helicopter with the excitement of a child. He’s never been on one before, and he’s super stoked or something. Since there is no way in hell that Constantine will make it through this episode, this is an epic waste of time. I hate to keep threatening self-harm, but if I see one more helicopter take off on this show, I can’t promise I won’t stab myself in the corneas. I get that flying over crystal blue ocean is romantic and special, but it’s not as interesting to watch as ABC thinks it is. Ashley calls Constantine a “Greek god” and says “I could not picture a more perfect date.” What about all those other ones that you already designated as “purrr-fehkt,” or what about the arguably more perfect scenario in which you’re with a man you actually like? Constantine is a kid on a field trip, excited to be flying in a helicopter over Fiji but apathetic about the company.

Ashley walks her hopeless case to a waterfall on Taveuni Island so that she can resurrect some tired metaphors for the audience before jumping off the rocks. In love, she explains, “both people have to let go; both people have to fall.” Of course, it must be mentioned that love is a “leap of faith” just like this leap they’re taking into the water together. Since there’s not really any love to be had here, it seems sort of cheap and unnecessary. Still, they proceed, sitting on a blanket in front of the waterfall while Ashley gives Constantine the third degree. She wants to know how many houses he had to look at before buying one (108) so that she can shame him for over-thinking before making a serious decision. “You take time, and you put in effort,” she complains. “Here, we do have time, but we don’t have a lot of it.” She’s hoping things will “take off” tonight, that she’ll be reassured of his interest in her. I think by this point, she should be glad to trim the fat. Constantine looks at her sort of blankly, but there’s just the faintest bit of desperation coded into his gaze. “Send me home,” he seems to be begging. They’re not touching or holding hands, and neither looks very comfortable. Ashley is nervous that he needs more time, which they don’t have.

Constantine and Ashley return to Savusavu for the evening, now holding hands as they sit to dine. He says “okay” as timidly as possible when she toasts to “hopefully having a lot of time together,” and they resort to talking about the fruity taste of the wine. Naturally, this reminds them of winemaker Ben, and Ashley cuts to the chase by asking Constantine how he feels about having a friend date the same girl he’s dating. “If it were somebody I didn’t respect, it’d be a lot harder,” he answers, offering that he couldn’t do anything to stop it if she and Ben really fell in love in the end. Neither would he want to, he says, since no one should stand in the way of true love. Ashley pretends to admire that quality, calling it strong-mindedness and an ability to resist being consumed by emotion. He’s just not that into you, my dear. Putting two and two together, she says, “I don’t feel like you wanna hold my hand or be around me all the time…I have nothing to feed off of.” Constantine replies that he’s usually affectionate instinctively, but he hasn’t been able to be that way with her. She asks if the problem is her personally or if it’s “the process,” meaning the cameras and the time crunch and the competition and staged dates.

Things get sort of uncomfortable when it becomes clear that Constantine has no interest in pursuing something serious with Ashley. It’s been hard for him to admit that he’s not feeling it, but he subtly lets her know that the “process” is not the issue here. Saying that he can’t approach her father to ask for his blessing when he doesn’t really mean it, Constantine states, “I respect you too much as a person to make this any harder than it needs to be.” Ashley is holding out until the bitter end, refusing to give up on the guy until he explicitly rejects her. When she asks where this revelation leaves them as a couple, he answers, “If we’re gonna be honest about it, this means the end of the road for me.” She thanks him for being “real” and not forcing feelings like other men might in his situation. Tearing up a bit, she hugs him goodbye. Even though we saw this coming many miles away, it’s still an abrupt end for Constantine. They didn’t even touch their food! There’s no way I’d let a perfectly good plate of gourmet dinner in Fiji sit and get cold in front of me while some guy who never showed any interest takes his sweet time cutting me loose. Ashley sits alone at the table, staring at the fantasy suite card and key, wondering what it would have been like to spend the night with him. It’s obvious that she would have axed him at the rose ceremony, anyway, but I guess she wanted to give him a test drive, anyhow. Oh, Ash. You knew what you were doing all along. How could I have doubted you? Ashley claims to be shocked that Constantine didn’t want to stick it out a bit longer and see what could happen between them, but we all know it’s way too late for a wait-and-see attitude. Now, in order to inject a bit of suspense and play up her insecurity for the viewers at home, Ash pretends to be super worried about JP and Ben abandoning her, as well: “What if I end up alone, and all of this was for nothing?” Didn’t that Bentley guy say you could give him a call if this thing didn’t work out? It’s worth a shot.

The next morning, it’s finally time to confront Ryan, who’s been waiting impatiently for days to hear Ashley’s verdict. She goes into their meeting telling us that Ryan is successful, gorgeous, and “the sweetest guy,” and that it means so much to her that he would fly out to see her. Why do these people keep forgetting the millions of other factors which influence contestant behavior on this show? He would have flown out to Fiji for literally any other woman on Earth if it meant he’d get more chances to ham it up for the cameras. He’s hoping some impressionable young filly is watching at home, scrambling to find out how to get in touch with him and heal his broken heart.

Ashley knocks on his door as her voiceover assures us that she knows exactly what she has to do. Ryan greets her with his heart beating out of his chest, and they have a few laughs outside on the balcony. For a few moments, I’m nervous about what Ashley will say to him, thinking maybe he’s brainwashed her enough to secure himself a spot in the running. But she does the right thing, telling him that while rejecting him the first time was difficult, and while he’s everything she’s looking for “on paper,” she knows she made the right decision the first time. “I didn’t feel, like, that passion,” she admits, adding that she has found it with the two other men. Ouch. It’s a good thing that Ryan’s disappointment and self-pity are entirely manufactured, because I might be tempted to feel bad for him. He tells her that he’s happy for her and says that he’ll never hold back in matters of love again. He whines that he’s got a great life and is just “missing someone to hold hands with through it all.”  Then he repeats “It’ll happen” to himself four times in a row. Geez, is this man unstable. Have at him, ladies.

Finally, Ashley gets to share a date with her true love JP. She leaps into his arms and kisses him, threatening to never let go. He tells her he’s been anxious and dying to see her. My bitter, man-hating heart really melts when they’re onscreen. They board one of those dreaded helicopters, but I honestly don’t mind this time, since they’re so adorable as they sit and hold hands, quietly canoodling. Ashley’s talking head marvels at the fact that they can sit and enjoy the view “without having to talk,” but it’s kind of hard to converse when your lips are pressed against another’s, so I can’t give them too much credit. They land on some small island with a hammock, where JP tells Ash that his father said she’d be a welcome addition to the family. “I feel pretty good about us,” he says. “I’m ready for the end.” I’m surprised at how confident he is with the bachelorette; he is demure when asked what he’s been thinking about lately and talks about living “in the moment” rather than being paranoid about the other guys. They swim and hug while JP voiceovers, “When I look at Ashley, I see the woman I want to spend my life with.” She says their bond “could last a lifetime.” In his estimation, the only thing that could improve his day is seeing Ashley stop everything and declare him The One. Let’s compare that sentiment to Constantine not being able to make it all the way through dinner or even stomach a fantasy suite date before going home.

In the middle of the Savusavu jungle, JP and Ashley dine and talk about how perfect everything is. He tells her, “You get me, and I get you.” To reassure him about not feeling intimidated by his own feelings, Ashley delivers a misleadingly-worded message, saying she “said goodbye to two guys” already this week. Like a teaser for the next episode, she hints that “someone came back,” of course leaving JP with a terrified expression; he’s relieved and happy to hear that Constantine was cut while Ryan came back and was rejected. She tells him not to be hung up on her other relationships, because she doesn’t want this to be a masculine competition that’s all about winning. Is that why the guys have been boxing and racing each other in direct competitions on group dates? JP tells Ashley that he wants to be the last guy standing but only because he wants to end up with her in the end, not because he wants to beat the other guy. I actually believe him, and I hope she does, too. In a voiceover, JP declares, “I want Ashley to be my wife.”

Next, JP is super, super cute while he nervously reads the fantasy suite card. “Uh, yeah, I think I’m into that,” he says before they kiss and head to the room. As if on an actual honeymoon, JP waits on the bed while Ashley changes into something more comfortable (which looks like a men’s button-down white shirt) in the bathroom, emerging to have him pin her down and kiss her until it becomes uncomfortable and I wonder when the cameras will leave. If she doesn’t pick him in the end, it’ll be an unspeakable crime.

Chris Harrison sits the bachelorette down to recap her dates. Ashley doesn’t add any insight except to say that she was really fighting for Constantine, but the lack of romance made her efforts fruitless and that she had a hard time saying goodbye to “good guy” Ryan. Even though both remaining men will get roses tonight, she somehow thinks it’s important to hold the ceremony so that she can hear and see Ben and JP accept their roses with full consent. “As hard as it would be to see someone leave at this point, I just have to know,” she tells us, as if ABC would allow one of the men to bail out before she has her family fly out and help her choose a husband. “I’m ready to be engaged, but are they?” she wonders. The good news is that only one of them has to be ready, and I think she knows by now who she wants. I can’t allow myself to accept that Ashley is so insecure as to believe that out of 25 men, there couldn’t possibly be two who’d fall in love and be willing to win her hand in marriage, so I consider all of this nonsense a ratings grab. At the rose ceremony, the guys accept their roses without complaint, of course, but Ashley thanks them profusely for sticking around. This woman is not a pathetic, sniveling, self-doubting, fearful little girl. She just plays one on TV.

Season 7, Episode 9 (original airdate July 25, 2011.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Lou Rocca and ABC.

Leslie Hope

If you saw the trailer to The River, it would undoubtedly have sent chills up your spine. ABC brings this new suspense thriller that feels a little reminiscent to that other show set in a jungle…just kidding! The comparisons being made to Lost have already started because of the location (though The River takes place in the Amazon) and supernatural element. Executive producers Zack Estrin and Michael Green assure us though that they do know where the story is going and ultimately what their end game is.

The suspense on this show is clearly up a notch and is something we don’t normally see on network TV. This is no surprise though as the creative force behind The River is none other than Paranormal Activity writer/director Oren Peli. Peli says the goal is not to shock audiences with gore but to frighten people with scary stories. ABC has surprisingly not given him any restraints on how far he can push the envelope.

The story begins as a missing person scenario, but soon it will become apparent that is just the tip of the story. In this way Peli feels that they have the potential to last for a long time because of the many different stories that they can tell. Each episode will also be an individual story in itself, that way if you miss the previous week’s you won’t be lost.

“We’re X-Files meets the Amazon,” said Estrin.

The X-Files was able to pull off giving audiences self-contained episodes and still move major story arcs forward and if The River can accomplish that then they could definitely get picked up for a full season in the future. The only risk of course is having the inevitable filler episode and even those can be good if written well.

Casting was a hard process for the show but they were lucky in finding people with the background that completely fit their characters. Tess Cole, the wife of Emmet Cole (the missing explorer), is played by actress Leslie Hope and she has actually traveled to jungles as a documentary filmmaker. The story begins with a Steve Irwin-ish character going missing in the Amazon with his film crew. People believe he’s dead but then a distress beacon goes off and his wife and son go off to find him with their own film crew in tow.

Joe Anderson

Joe Anderson talks about how the farther they go up the river, the more everything breaks down. He plays Lincoln Cole, prodigal son of Tess and Emmet. He rejects his childhood going off to exotic locations with his parents to go to medical school and live a more stable life. Anderson believes that throughout the season his character might try to fill his father’s shoes, but that it certainly won’t be an easy journey to get there.

The producers explained that they will be using as many real legends in The River as possible. A big aspect of the show includes magic. Emmet goes searching for it in the Amazon and now his wife, son, and a film crew will be experiencing it up close and personal. After speaking with and listening to the actors, Peli, Estrin and Green speak about the story with so much passion and excitement it’s hard not to get pumped for this as well.

The River will be coming soon to ABC.

For more Comic-Con coverage, click here.

Images courtesy of Poptimal.com

Joining Constantine in his hometown of Cumming, Georgia, Ashley is treated to a visit to the family restaurant, in which they collaborate on a delicious-looking custom pizza.  It’s an Italian/American/Greek eatery, as Constantine explains it. He seems more into Ashley than he has been up to this point, and he claims that he’s feeling more natural around her. Ash can’t see past the fact that he’s “such a stud,” but I get the sense that he’d rather be runner-up and become the next Bachelor than end up with this particular woman. Hell, the ink’s probably dry on the contract already, knowing ABC.

Ashley and Constantine do some kissing at a table outside the restaurant while the female staff huddle in a mass and watch through the window like a flock of animated Disney birds. Instead of working together to tie a ribbon around the waist of a dress or something useful like that, they stare and sigh and say “awww” in unison. It’s really quite gross. Finally, the couple of lovers travel to Constantine’s family home, where Ash sits down to talk with his mother upon arrival. Mom tells us that she’ll require some convincing from Ashley, since she needs more time to consider her as a possible love-of-her-son’s-life. She politely inquires into Ashley’s plans, should she become engaged to Constantine. She wants to know if Ashley would be willing to relocate and become part of their family, which is a clever question, considering how many times that’s been an issue in the history of this show. Ash reassures her that she could be happy in any sort of environment. Mom is sufficiently impressed, replying “You’ve pretty much answered my question” and telling the camera, “I feel great [about my son marrying this woman, even though I’ve just met her and she only half-heartedly conceded that she’d be willing to move to another city for him, should it ever come to that].” This woman is way too easily satisfied. I hope she’s not in charge of anything having to do with interrogating terror suspects.

Constantine sits down with his dad Dimitri to get the green light. His father says that Ashley has “a gorgeous…personality,” but it takes time to know somebody. “If it happens, it happens; If it’s there, it’s there, but it takes time,” he instructs. But of course, he gives his full blessing, as they always do, and Constantine feels encouraged by the support. Sitting around in the living room, Ash exclaims that she’s moving in. “They were so welcoming, and I feel like I fit in perfectly,” she tells us. For the sake of having one quick bout of Greek dancing in the house with Constantine and Ashley, the entire extended family shows up as a surprise, and Dimitri makes it rain, throwing cash on everyone as they embrace each other and move around in a circle. Constantine feels like they’ve taken “a massive step in the right direction” and offers, “I see somebody who’s really, really falling for my family very quickly, and maybe for me.” He’s got his priorities out of whack, which is okay, because he won’t win her in the end.

Now we follow Ames to Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. He looks sort of sexy in a plaid shirt, I’m forced to admit, but it’s ruined when he runs toward Ashley in the girliest way imaginable. “Ames is such a unique guy that I’m excited to meet his family today,” Ashley tells us. She can not mention that poor man without reiterating how odd he is. I’m positive he won’t make it past this episode, so I suppose it’s nice of her to constantly plant clues about how unappealing she finds him as a sexual prospect. Going along with the plan, they meet a bunch of Ames’ family members and sit outside with refreshing drinks that have limes on the rim, telling stories about their travels. Ames’ sister Serena lets us know that she needs to find out if Ashley has the same spark for her brother that he has for her, since she doesn’t “want his heart to be broken or for him to be devastated by this.” Well, I’d suggest she start preparing psychologically for that possibility.

Serena asks Ashley about her feelings for Ames, and she’s refreshingly honest without going so far as to tell her that she’s already ruled him out. Ashley admits that their relationship has been moving slower than the others before adding, “I see so many good things in him” and “It’s worth it to me to keep peeling those layers” when Serena compares him to an onion. Ames and his mom sit down to talk, and she obviously wants to reassure herself that her little boy isn’t setting himself up for disappointment, though he so very clearly is. While his mother wears a hesitant expression, Ames tells her that things between the two of them are “not rushed.” No kidding. Ashley asks Serena about Ames’ father and is told that both his father and step-father died from cancer, which led to him being more cautious about getting to know people. Poor guy. Ashley tells the camera that she can tell Ames will be able to handle things well in the future, if their relationship doesn’t end up going well. By “in the future,” she means “at the end of this episode,” but Serena tries valiantly to sell her brother as the perfect catch, asserting that he’s without flaws, as he’s always in shape, has gone to the best schools, and is a fun guy beloved by all. Serena leaves the conversation unconvinced that Ashley has “passion” or “spark” for Ames.

Ames’ loving mom takes her turn with Ash, underscoring the fact that her son is loyal, “there when you need him,” and that he’d be a great adventure partner in life. Ashley repeats her warning that things between them have been moving slowly. Her chat with Mother leaves her feeling encouraged, she claims in a talking head, because “maybe love is more of a marathon.” “I want to feel that passion with Ames so bad,” she whines. “I’m still missing that spark between us.” This is really sad to watch, because I can see him falling for her in a major way, and it’s only going to end badly. Serena is nice enough to sit her brother down and tell him he needs to up his game. “Just, the next time you’re with her, I would get really personal,” she admonishes, looking afraid as he describes how “fantastic” Ashley makes him feel. Serena basically tells him to be sexier, bring the passion, “let her feel a little fire.” I can’t imagine ever saying anything like that to my little brother, even if the gold medal on a nationally televised reality competition were on the line.

Ames leaves his family’s house saying he’ll do whatever it takes to move forward. In the most unnecessary date ever, he takes Ashley to a beautiful park to have a picnic under a huge magnolia tree. “I can’t think of anything more romantic in the world,” says Ames. I think that’s a bit of a problem. I mean, the place is pretty and all, but it’s still a picnic in a park. This show has probably raised her date standards to an impossible level. Ames talks about how much of a nerd he was in high school, and Ashley tries to convince him that they’re cut from the same cloth. Their interaction seems clinical at best; I don’t think he’s capable of intimacy in the same way that the other men are, but he keeps talking about romance nonetheless, effectively wasting his time and ours. He tries to plant the idea in her head that “life isn’t fireworks,” and all that pesky animal attraction isn’t really worth it, since it’ll eventually melt away, anyhow. At least, that’s how I heard it. She responds by saying, “You’re like no other guy.” I’m sure that makes him feel great, considering his status as an outcast. She tells him that the people who ridiculed him in high school are very stupid and then kisses him, making her a very cruel woman for leading him on. After the date, Ames tells us that he’s “absolutely, totally falling in love with Ashley” and claims, “The next time my family meets Ashley, Ashley and I could be engaged.” Ashley voiceovers, “I feel like we have a very real connection. This could be a storybook romance.” Who are you fooling?

Now for a more promising visit to the town of Sonoma, California with a much less interesting suitor. Ben greets Ashley and brings her to taste some of his selections at the winery. I do love a nice bottle of vino, but that wouldn’t be enough to hook me in this case. I wonder how much of Ben’s appeal has to do with the promise of free alcohol for a lifetime. Ash gets very nervous when Ben admits he’s only brought one woman home before. It’s a lot of pressure. Ben tells her that his now-deceased father would have loved her before describing how his family dealt with his death. Apparently, they flew to Italy and Slovenia to explore his origins, eventually burying him under Ben’s grandfather’s apple tree. It’s a great story. Ben tells us he’s ready for Ash to meet his family, though he’s nervous and hoping that everyone will get along. Considering the presence of the cameras, the carefully-staged nature of all interactions on this show, and the fact that Ashley will be going out of her way to seem exceedingly likable, I think the odds of tension and fighting are quite low.

Ben, along with his mother and sister, hosts Ashley for dinner, during which Ashley tells the sister that she was initially attracted by Ben’s long hair. She’s obviously very physically attracted to him in the moment and probably has to force herself to reel it in a bit, considering they’re dining with his immediate family. Ben says it’s been an emotional experience, and they have a good thing going on. After the meal, Ben and his sister have a boring talk about how he’s been expressing his feelings to Ashley more than he’s done with anyone in six years. I can hear Ashley laughing with his mom in the other room, which is kind of nice. Ben claims that he hasn’t told Ashley he loves her yet, but I think he got quite close in the last episode. Meanwhile, Ashley is being shown childhood photos of Ben by his mother. She, of course, reacts by giggling and acting incredibly charmed, but I can’t be bothered to pay too much attention. Something about this guy rubs me the wrong way, in addition to his being patently uninspiring and tepid.

 
Very tellingly, Ben’s mom sits and listens passively while he sits with her to apologize for being an insensitive son after the death of his dad. He expresses regret over not having done things differently. It’s a bit of a red flag that she doesn’t try to make him feel better at all, instead accepting his apology with a hug and an “I love you.” He must have been really emotionally distant from his family, in addition to whatever else he’s saying “sorry” for. I just think it’s a little too dangerous to tread into territory like this; he seems to have more than his share of demons, and he hasn’t been expressive enough thus far. There’s something missing. Nevertheless, Ashley and Ben leave their night happy and encouraged, hugging like they don’t want to leave each other. “There are so many great things that I see in Ben,” Ashley says. “I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.” If you must, Ashley, but I’d heartily recommend against it.

Finally, we say hello to JP in Roslyn, New York, where he waits pacing and nervous. Hugging Ashley on her arrival, he adorably admits that he didn’t sleep a wink last night because he was so anxious to see her. He takes her to a rollerskating rink, not knowing that his date is a former figure skater. Ashley says she feels like she’s “back in seventh grade.” I’d bet anything that she made out with more than her share of middle school boys outside of the restrooms in the skating rinks of her day. JP falls on his face in front of Ashley, bruising only his fragile ego. Ashley, not surprisingly, thinks it’s ridiculously cute and guffaws for a good 30 seconds before going over to comfort him. “It was a cute fall!” she insists. They’re pretty precious together. Because he’s so raw and handsome and she’s so clearly in love, I’ll allow it.

Ashley and JP sit down with some paper cups full of wine as he tells her that they’re on the way to meet his mother, father, brother, and brother’s girlfriend. He cops to having brought only four women home to meet his family before, and she says “that’s not a lot for you, since you’re a little bit older.” For no good reason at all, JP brings up his ex-girlfriend yet again, saying he was very hurt the whole time because he never had reassurance about their standing. Ashley asks how he can be so certain about the two of them, and he says that he’s “100 per cent” sure on account of how miserable it is to be without her between dates. He tells the camera that he figures he must completely open up and reveal vulnerabilities, or else this thing won’t work. It’s good to see him understand that; he’s so mature in some ways, which makes his jealousy even more irksome.

JP takes Ash to his home of 33 years, introducing her to the family and narrating that it’s important for his loved ones to approve, since they don’t want to see him get hurt again. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that this concept is a recurring one in the JP household. Now, they’re all having dinner together, where everyone is getting along and laughing; JP’s brother tells us he can’t believe how hard and fast JP has fallen. Mom pulls JP aside to talk, first mentioning that she is scared about him getting hurt. “I don’t want to see your heart broken the way it was broken before,” she says gently. He replies that, while he doesn’t ever want to feel that way again, he has to open up for this experiment to work, adding that a lot of signs point toward him being in love with her already. Mother comments again that she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again. Geez Louise, what in the Sam Hill did that woman do to JP to inflict such trauma and introduce such a pervading sense of cowering dread to their godforsaken home? Did she make him wear a silly outfit in front of his bros? Where’s his achilles heel? She must have honed in on that thing like a missile.

Mom moves on to Ashley next, starting their discussion with the reminder that one relationship in JP’s past “truly broke his heart,” and it was “painful to watch.” She’s scared, attributing her nerves to the fact that JP is already in too deep, and says, “He looks at you with love in his eyes, so I’m nervous.” She then proceeds to ask Ashley how she deals with dating so many guys, knowing that each of the men is only dating her. She puts it much more diplomatically than that, but that was the gist. Mom apologizes for putting Ash on the spot, but the bachelorette has the perfect, most respectful response: “You can put me on the spot as much as you want.” When she says “I am smitten by your son,” Mom looks so pleased and relieved to hear the words. “I see JP look at you as a beautiful woman on the inside,” she tells her future daughter-in-law.

JP’s family all sit on couches in the living room, kicking it with Ashley and looking generally comfortable. Mom leaves to retrieve a huge, framed photo of a mullet-sporting JP dressed up in a tie for his Bar Mitzvah. It’s a schmaltzy but cute picture, which JP feels looks like a cross between Kirk Cameron and Doogie Howser. JP walks Ashley out to say goodbye, and they hug lovingly in the doorway. “For some reason, I can’t sit here and say I am in love with Ashley yet,” JP tells us, explaining that he can’t mention anything until he’s made it into the final two. He can’t wait for the “amazing” feeling that will accompany saying the phrase freely, and I can’t wait to see it.

It’s time for the maligned sit-down-with-insufferable-douchebag-Chris-Harrison segment. Ashley recaps her visits while video clips jog our memory of the past two hours. She calls the four men “exceptional individuals,” noting that Constantine offered the best hometown date and most vivacious family with so much depth and warmth. She’s learning a lot about him, she says, and she likes that he moves slowly and exhausts all options before making big decisions. I don’t notice what she says about Ames, but I’m sure it’s a bunch of stuff about how “different” and “special” and “unique” he is, though she doesn’t want to have sex with him in the least. Ben planned such a good date, Ashley tells Chris, and she got to see an emotional, vulnerable side of him, which was nice. She calls his family “sophisticated and educated and thoughtful and warm,” with the sweetest mother. She really felt good about her hometown experience with JP and fell in love with his family while she was there, she gushes. “I’m proud to say I have no regrets,” she says smiling.

Ashley goes into the rose ceremony telling us that she’s ready to find her husband. I hope she’s got at least an inkling by now. I ready myself to say goodbye to Ames as Ashley calls out the final three. Ames always looks completely suspended in time during these scenes, leaning slightly forward with non-blinking eyes that stare Ashley down in the most creepy way. Tonight, his glare is a tad more intense, and he looks like he might faint when she recites the names of Ben, JP, and Constantine in that order. I don’t envy her job right now, since there are real hearts involved, and Ames is very sensitive. He looks shocked and appalled, motionless until he finally snaps out of it to say his farewells. Ashley walks him out to a bench, where he’s speechless and shell-shocked. “I care so much about you, and I want you to know that,” Ashley tells him. That’s never a good statement to hear while you’re being dumped. It looks like he’s trying hard not to shed tears as he tells her that “it’s been totally beautiful and full of the unexpected” with her, and that he’ll remember every second of their journey for the rest of his life. She assures him that she will, too, but I can’t see her husband being okay with that idea. Ames rides off in the dreaded limo, shaking a bit from the experience, and saying he feels numb and silly for not realizing he wasn’t being loved in return. He wonders aloud where the problem was. He’s completely oblivious, carrying on about how he wanted a lifetime of adventures with a beautiful woman, and now he has to do everything alone. My suspicion is that he’s so trapped in his own world that any pretty girl who expresses interest will do. Attractive, eligible, adventure-seeking activity partners should inquire within. The guy won’t know the difference, and that’s a good thing for him.

NEXT WEEK: The remaining three travel with Ashley to Fiji. JP makes Ashley cry. In all honesty, I can hardly stand the suspense.

Constantine wins the first solo date this time around, joining Ashley on a steam locomotive into a tiny village called Pingxi. They hold hands and flirt while sizing each other up. Ashley tells us that her relationship with Constantine has been moving more slowly than with the other guys, but she wants to be patient. Constantine wonders if they’ll be able to relax and enjoy themselves; he’s still evaluating her usefulness as a mate, but he doesn’t want to allow his apparent disinterest to get in the way of the romance. They arrive at their destination, where a lantern festival fills the streets with locals. Ashley and her date pick out lanterns on which they write their wishes in the hopes that they come true when the lanterns are released into the sky. It looks like a beautiful tradition, and Constantine seems gracious about being immersed in the culture of the village. The downside is that the two lovebirds, as they scrawl what Ash refers to as “love wishes” on the lanterns, are really more like platonic lab partners at the moment.

By the time they sit down for a meal, Constantine seems to have softened a bit. His talking heads let us know that he’s still auditioning Ashley for the role of “wife,” but he shows just enough attraction to hook her. The handsome guy sits and describes his family, telling his companion that she shouldn’t feel anxious, as the brood is “big and loud but not intimidating.” Ashley likes what she hears, complimenting him for being himself and “not trying to convince” her to like him. It appears to me that Constantine may just be more level-headed than the other men; all he can do is expose Ashley to his real personality and hope there’s some potential for a connection. It’s honest, reasonable, and wise, leading me to wonder what he’s doing on this particular show. When Ash asks him if he thinks it could work between them, Constantine replies that it will if he falls in love, though you can’t force it. He makes it clear that he wants a hometown date, as meeting his family would give Ashley more insight into his character. Their date ends as all of the collected lanternsare set free into the deep blue night, lit up with yellow flames above their heads. Ashley and Constantine kiss very stiffly while the bachelorette voiceovers that she feels like they had a “big breakthrough” today. Constantine tells us that he’s excited and can’t wait to take Ashley home, adding that he’s never been happier. Since the audio is so clearly chopped and spliced, I can’t claim that his last statement had anything to do with this scene. You never can tell.

Winemaker Ben is next up for a one-on-one, which begins on a moped with Ashley holding on for dear life. They drive on a treacherous road, next to massive cliffs and rocks, taking sharp turns and racing toward their destination. Ashley should be grateful and relieved that Ben just happens to be comfortable on an old moped chugging along several miles above ground level, because surprising him with one was a big gamble. They finally get off and walk along a rickety bridge in the sky, somewhere near Taroko Gorge, kissing and holding each other in the breeze. It looks pretty peaceful. Ben lets us know that he’s genuinely happy, and that holding Ashley “feels right.” He admits to being in the process of falling in love but claims that he’s not ready to tell her yet. At dinner, Ashley’s eyes light up when Ben promises more of his custom wine at his upcoming hometown date. She loves his confidence as he describes how much his mother and sister will like seeing them together. After the baiting, Ben divulges that he’s “on the teetering point” of “strong-than-like” feelings for her. He swears that he doesn’t usually throw “the L-Bomb” around casually, but he really wants her to come home to Sonoma with him. Then he taps his watch and says, “Time’s running out, and I really wanna win this thing!” I’m kidding, of course, but I’d like someone to do that just once on this show. Ashley would probably applaud his honesty. Anyway, the two kiss some more as Ashley’s disembodied voice says, “I feel like he’s my boyfriend!,” so I guess they decided to skip the whole honeymoon phase and resign themselves to the bland, nonthreatening relationship simulation game they’ve constructed out of boredom and slight mutual attraction. Fair enough.

Back at the guys’ quarters, it’s the morning after, and Ben is nowhere to be found. The men are waking up and chatting in the kitchen while J.P. sits alone on a couch in the next room, silently planning Ben’s “accidental” death in a nearby river. He can’t bear the thought of Ben on an overnight date with Ashley, and the other guys are peeved, as well. When the man of the hour finally walks in with luggage and a huge smile, the tension only grows thicker. When confronted with prying questions from his competitors (“Did you two do any physical activities?”), Ben is vague and evasive (“Not any that I wanna talk about.”). I think it tacky and rude of him, and he doesn’t admit that they didn’t share a bedroom until asked directly. It’s annoying and makes me question his character. He’d have had no problem with the guys assuming he’d slept with Ashley. Their discomfort was palpable; J.P. had to leave the room soon after Ben entered, and everyone naturally feared the worst. Ben could have made it a point to be a gentleman, but he chose not to.

Ashley rounds up Ames, Lucas, and J.P. for their group date- a wedding photo session complete with costumes and professional lighting and backdrops. J.P. is already whining about having to go on a group date at all. In his mind, he and Ash are already a couple, and these other guys are in the way. I think there must be more to their bond than we’ve been permitted to see. He doesn’t seem irrational or insecure enough to be this jealous early on unless he were sure of his relationship with Ashley. I think he’s the clear front-runner, so he shouldn’t worry so much. The guys all don their costumes; J.P.’s spirits are lifted when he ends up wearing the classic black tuxedo, as Ames is stuck in a ridiculous, sparkly, ruffle-y, pastel suit (which J.P. thinks makes him look like a cross between an ostrich and Elton John), and Lucas wears the traditional Chinese silk robe, long like a dress and in vibrant yellow. Lucas tells the camera that J.P. would have thrown “a fit” if he’d had an ugly costume, since he acts like a 15 year-old when he’s upset. That doesn’t sound too healthy, but I’m sure the jealousy would really impress Ashley. J.P.’s confidence runs out when he has to watch his beloved take photos with each of the other two men in turn, kissing Lucas on the mouth as a part of the shoot. When it’s finally J.P.’s chance to make an impression on her, he can’t be bothered to smile for the photos or act entertained by the activity at all. Even Ames and Lucas see, from the sidelines, that the shoot isn’t going well. I can understand J.P. hating group dates and resenting having to participate in them, but he needs to straighten up, stop being a baby, and be a good sport. I hope he’s just nervous and acting out, because if this is a trend, he’ll be a miserable husband.

Ashley takes her three men to a private location for dinner, where their wedding photos from earlier in the day have already been framed and put on the walls. Everyone is in low spirits, and Ashley sympathizes with them, reminding us that she was once in their position, and she knows how much they need to relax at this point. She sits down with Lucas for a talk. He hesitantly lets her in on the fact that he is a traditional guy, and it didn’t feel good to see her taking wedding photos with other men. Ashley asks him if it’ll be hard to get married a second time, and he essentially replies that he does want to have kids, and she seems like she’d do as a wife. I’m liking him less each week. Ames takes Lucas’ place next to Ashley and shows her a stack of old photos of him and his family. She’s charmed by it, giggling and calling him “unique.” She does not want him in the way that she wants the other men; she just doesn’t have the heart to let him down yet.

J.P. has his moment with Ashley at long last, and he opens up immediately, telling her that although he understands the harsh rules of the game, he doesn’t want to play it sometimes. He hated watching Ben come home from a sleepover, he tells her, and it was no picnic watching Lucas make out with her on their group date. He defends his jealous streak as reasonable under the circumstances, prompting Ashley to ask him if he gets into fights with his competition. He reassures her that he doesn’t, but not before the faintest glimmer of hope crosses Ashley’s face, which is meant to look stern and concerned. She wants him to fight for her, to claim her and scare the other men off, but she can’t accept her own masochistic desire. I hope this one happens to be a truly good guy, because I like how much they like each other. I’m not a total scrooge, after all.

When J.P. has laid all of his cards on the table and told Ashley that he feels for her now and can no longer be cool as a cucumber like he was before, she goes to retrieve the date rose for him. She gushes that she wants to meet his family “so bad,” and he grins sexily while accepting his prize. The other men welcome the pair back to the communal space, cheering J.P. on with clapping and insincere congratulations. The cameras stop rolling, but I’m sure the drinks flowed freely for hours more.

Finally, we’ve reached the moment we’ve been patiently awaiting for what seems like forever. It’s the one-on-one between Ryan and Ashley, and I must say that it delivers. Oh, does it deliver. You couldn’t write this stuff. Ashley bounces toward her doom, oblivious to the disaster ahead, as her voiceover informs us that she likes Ryan, that he makes her feel special, and she doesn’t care what anyone else says about him. They link up in a park somewhere and walk around. Ryan seems stranger and more phony by the second, with a plastered-on smile and an over-eager demeanor that borders on willfully inconsiderate. He tells her how excited he is, in case she missed all of the outward signs. They wander into a temple, where people are kneeling in orderly lines, chanting and praying. I’m surprised Ryan doesn’t insert himself into the proceedings and make the whole thing about him somehow, but they manage to get out without creating a scene. Next, they visit a statue of a “matchmaking god,” in front of whom Ashley and Ryan throw bricks to decide their fate. Ryan’s bricks don’t land as they’re supposed to, despite his silent wish for confirmation on their relationship. He says he’s still optimistic. Nothing can stop him.

Ash and her date sit and talk under the sun as Ryan sports a creepy grin while peering into her soul and asking with firm resolve for a hometown date. Ashley’s comments to the camera are that she’s actually not ready to meet his family, and that she doesn’t think their relationship is at the right place for that. Ryan’s voiceovers reveal that he’s “on cloud nine…cloud ten!” They have a picnic next to a gorgeous pond, and Ryan still can’t see just how lukewarm Ashley is. He’s so delusional that he’ll never make the right assumptions about her, so she sits sort of quietly, accepting that fact as he prattles on. He asks her how responsible she is about environmental issues, because he thinks they’re at the point where he can make her feel the need to impress him. He’s wrong. She laughs and tells a self-deprecating story about a boyfriend who once dumped her for throwing a plastic water bottle into the garbage instead of recycling it. She’s not knowledgeable, she argues, but she’s happy for “people like” Ryan who seem to care. She doesn’t bother, because she doesn’t like him anymore, but he can’t see it yet, and so he prattles still.

Ryan starts a somewhat interesting lecture about water heaters and the importance of going “tankless.” I’m quite interested to hear more, but Ashley is fed up and can see right through him by this point, so we get sound bytes from her while he talks in the background. She doesn’t feel enough passion for him, she reveals, and she is obviously unable to keep pretending. As I cringe and turn away, Ryan tells Ashley that he can’t wait for his family to meet and hug her. She just can’t listen anymore, so she gives the speech. Look, Ryan, you’re a great person, I gave you the very first ‘first impression’ rose, and you’re the perfect guy in my head, but I’m not feeling anything for you. That is the gist of her explanation, but he still doesn’t get it. “You don’t want to meet my family?,” he asks, doing his best impression of an abused puppy dog. His manipulation doesn’t work, though he’s attempting his most disappointed face, trying mightily to guilt and shame her until she questions her stance. It doesn’t work; I can tell she doesn’t want to bear him any longer, as the water heater conversation did nothing to undo the creepiness of his intensity. She walks him out, since she doesn’t want to put him through the rose ceremony unnecessarily. When he’s gone, she tells us that she’s not confident that she did the right thing, since the look in Ryan’s eyes made her question herself for a second. Ashley, you did the right thing.

For the next several minutes, we get to watch Ryan give the performance of his life- groaning and complaining about how he doesn’t want to be alone- standing in front of the camera after Ashley leaves. He sits down and hyperventilates and then gets back up again, walks through some bushes and trees, tries to produce some genuine tears, stomps around like a petulant child, and generally acts like a worthless tool. I can’t imagine how the other men lived with him for so long, and I apologize for ever doubting their judgment.
The remaining men head into the cocktail party, all dressed up and ready to make their last efforts with Ashley. Ames says that everyone is keenly aware of how serious this is and that anyone who leaves tonight will be heartbroken. Meanwhile, Ashley is telling Chris Harrison that her mind is made up, and she doesn’t require any cocktail party. I like when she cuts to the chase, even though I have my doubts about the role of the producers in all of this. Just as Lucas is in the middle of telling the guys that he’s thankful for this opportunity for one more cocktail party so that he can win Ashley over again, Chris enters to tell them that there will be no such opportunity this time. Ashley explains to viewers that she’s simply ready to return home to the United States, that she can’t wait to meet her guys’ families. I can see how weary she is.

Ashley dramatically and somberly hands out roses to Constantine, and then Ben, before pausing behind the final reveal. Lucas and Ames wish each other luck, which seems silly. Ames makes it through, meaning Lucas is out of the running. He says goodbye to Ashley while calling her “sweetheart” several times and acting like a gentleman upon his exit, unlike someone else I could mention. Ashley says she felt like she’d known Lucas a long time, though there wasn’t enough of a romantic connection. No matter, though. Next week is hometown dates, and it should be an experience, to be sure.

I should mention that this episode ended with a lengthy segment featuring a sit-down between Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard- ex-fiance of Brad Womack. It’s an incredibly sad and unfortunate situation, as Emily cries throughout and sticks up for Brad while refusing to say anything awful about him, even though his narcissism and asshattery seem to be the reasons for their breakup. Emily dodged a bullet when she separated from Brad, and I’m hoping that she and her poor daughter can move on from this without too much ridiculous publicity on top of what’s already happened.

The Bachelorette Season 7,Episode 7 (original airdate July 11, 2011.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Kenny Ting and ABC.

In one of the more staged sequences we’ve seen so far this season, Chris Harrison enters Ashley’s hotel suite, in which a camera is already set up and awaiting his arrival. Ashley sits in silent contemplation and faint dread as Chris sits down with her and explains the deal. First, he claims that his “biggest fear” about this whole ordeal is that Ashley may have a man proposing to her in the end but be unable to answer because she’s still thinking about Bentley. I’d like to think that’s an irrational fear, but it’s just disingenuous, instead. Chris probably couldn’t care less, but I have found myself in the unfortunate position of being concerned for Ashley and hoping everything will work out in her favor. Chris reveals that Bentley himself is currently in the same hotel and waiting for Ashley to talk with him. He pitches it as if Bentley flew across the globe to spend time with her and have meaningful conversation, but I think the cameras and contract had a little more to do with it. Ashley cries and is overwhelmed by the prospect, while Chris really hammers it home that she must remember to press Bentley for details about his intentions. It’s the most shameless display of melodrama that I’ve seen in a long while, and I’m lapping it up like cream.

Ashley remains sitting in her suite for several minutes after Chris leaves, pretending as if she doesn’t know whether she’ll go through with the encounter or not. Eventually, she drags herself to Bentley’s room, a tiny girl with a linebacker gait- a minx in tight jeans and high heels and a ball of nerves in her stomach. She knocks on the idiot’s door, and he answers with a forced hug, accepting a awkward, wooden peck on the lips with reticence. They sit on the couch and try small talk for a half-second. Bentley asks Ashley if she’s okay, and of course, she isn’t. He’s naturally flirtatious, and I almost fall for it, too. This guy is charming; I’ll give him that. He just might be the actual devil for all we know. Ashley admits that her time since he left hasn’t been fun, and Bentley is glad to hear it. She divulges that the other guys never quite knew how difficult it was for her to let him go. Bentley commits the despicable act of pretending he’s had the same experience, saying phrases like “on the same page” and “we had something good going” and “hard to walk away.” Ashley reminds him that he once invited her to call him up and travel to Salt Lake City should she fail to find anyone on the show. That is disgusting.

Ashley explains her gut feeling that they were meant to meet for the purpose of teaching each other something or “maybe to be together,” and she can’t let it go until she hears from him. His response is to tell her that she already knows where he stands, in terms of having strong feelings for her, but it “doesn’t look good” for them, because she needs to appreciate what she has with the other guys. What a vile man. He wants her to think that he’s into her even as he advises her to give the other guys a chance. It lets him off the hook while keeping her mind on him. By the sheer grace of God, Ashley sees right through it. She challenges him to put a “period” on their relationship instead of leaving it with a “dot dot dot.” She tells him to be a man and cop to his disinterest so that she can move on. When asked why he flew all this way instead of calling her up, Bentley licks his lips seductively and says, “I wanted to see you.” What a monster. Ashley walks away narrating that she needed this time away from Bentley in order to see through him. “He knows exactly how to talk to a girl to make them believe what he wants them to believe,” she says. “He’s such a player.” “He disrespected me to the core.” And to Bentley watching at home, “F*** you; I’m done with you.” Now, that’s a platform I can get behind.

In the guys’ luxury Hong Kong suite, Chris is delivering the date cards. Ames reads the first one, alerting Lucas to the news that he has a one-on-one with the bachelorette. Ryan and Blake are upset, because neither of them has had a one-on-one thus far. Ashley drags Lucas through the neon streets of Kowloon, which she compares to New York City. Country Boy Lucas has never been to NYC, he explains, because he’s a simple man who likes to fish with his buddies and whittle on the porch, except he didn’t really say that last part. Lucas notices Ashley’s new “glow” and refreshed disposition, which he doesn’t know is due to her “closure” with Bentley. They keep walking around, try some pig intestines for lunch, and walk around some more. Ashley seems to be generally happy about her state of mind but also like she’s going through the motions on this particular date. She and Lucas board a boat for dinner and flirt a bit. Lucas is the tamest guy around; he’s calm and straight-forward and seemingly genuine, though my opinions of these men change from episode to episode, from moment to moment.

Dinner conversation is underwhelming, and I couldn’t be less interested, no matter how inoffensive and somewhat pleasant Lucas’s looks are. He tells the camera he wants a rose and a kiss, but I don’t know how into her he really is. He seems a bit nonplussed. Ashley asks him if she’s the type he would typically date, and he jokes that, no, he’s only here for the boat ride. That’s probably not her favorite type of joke in the world, but she laughs gamely. Then he says some stuff about his divorce and how God has a plan for him and everything. I think Ashley cares even less than I do. Still, she gives him the rose after faking him out, as she always does to these poor men. She pretends she’s leading up the devastating news that they aren’t receiving the rose and then goes for the big reveal. It’s her way of seeing how relieved they look when they realize they’re safe and she wants them to continue pursuing her. Boy, she’s insecure. Anyway, she and Lucas kiss on the boat, looking over at the Kowloon across the water, and Lucas tells us it’s the best first date he’s ever had. That’s what they all say.

The group date this week consists of dragon boat racing in teams, since this show is obsessed with competition among the men. Constantine and Ben F. make up the Blue Team and will race in their own boat, Blake and Ryan are the Red Team, and Ames and Mickey are the Black Bandits. Their task before competing is to round up random townspeople to row with them, since each boat requires at least eight rowers. Anyone who thought this scavenger hunt would be fun to watch was sorely mistaken. I don’t want to see the men round up people to go dragon boating with. It’s not enthralling in the least. Alas, they’ve got one hour to find their teams, and they’re off.

Ryan and Blake wisely seek a translator before they begin courting people. Ames and Mickey timidly ask folks to join them in the most unappealing manner, so their start is slow, but they eventually happen upon actual dragon boat competitors to join them. By far, Constantine and Ben are the most discouraged as they wander around being uncomfortable and looking uncomfortable and making everyone else uncomfortable by confrontationally asking strangers if they want to join in a cryptic experience that they can’t be bothered to explain very well at all. Ben and Constantine (the almost identical twins) pretty much give up on finding anyone, and become the dejected Red Team before finding some showy red robes in a street market and walking to the beach, where a team of misfits flocks to them. It was a nice idea, but it fails them in the end, as their teammates look like teenage stoners. There’s a drum on the front of each boat, and Ashley sits drumming on one of them, relieved as always to not be directly participating in the activity. Mickey and Ames win, which is no big shocker, since their crew consisted almost entirely of professionals. Ashley and the guys collapse on the sand and chat, but the background events are way more interesting. A couple has just gotten engaged on the sand behind them, and Ashley can’t believe her eyes. She hopes aloud that it’s a foreshadowing of what’s to come for her. Always the bridesmaid, she is.

At the cocktail party following the group date, Ashley toasts to making the most of their remaining time together. Ames pulls her aside for a surprise, and she’s charmed by his initiative. He takes her to the elevator for a makeout session. What a dork. He’s sort of adorable, anyway, so she’s delighted by his attention. They go to the roof of the hotel and look at the astoundingly gorgeous view of Hong Kong. When they return downstairs to join the group, Ashley promptly finds Ben the Winemaker for another round of kissing. He tells the camera he was the biggest skeptic in the world, but now he’s open to love. I don’t think the world’s biggest skeptic would step near this show, but whatever. Ben tells Ashley that while he wasn’t ready before, his walls are now down.

Now, we segue into the requisite weekly check-in with Ryan’s detractors. Blake is still out to get him, claiming that Ryan is too exhuberent, and it’s gone on long enough. Blake can’t stop scapegoating Ryan; maybe if he’d spend more time making himself vaguely interesting and maybe attractive in some way, he wouldn’t have to focus on Ryan so much, even though the guy is admittedly insane and annoying. Ashley sits down to tell Ryan that this whole thing is about more than just who wins the race. He flatters her and coyly asks for a one-on-one date next time. She brings him the date rose in order to reassure him. He is way too cute while accepting it, smiling and shrugging in an “aww, shucks” kinda way, and it makes me want to vomit just a little.

This week, J.P. has scored the last solo date, and Ashley couldn’t be smiling any bigger. She claims to be more excited for this date than any other since she’s been here. I can tell. The two have dinner at Chinese Zodiac Garden and look as comfortable around each other as is possible on a second date. I like his calm confidence. He tells her that this experience has been surreal and that he can see proposing to her a month from now. He says he feels like it’s meant to be. I think his intentions are pure, despite his devious good looks and obvious charm. I’ll take one of him, if they’re handing them out somewhere. Ashley voiceovers that she feels like J.P. is the total package, that she feels strongly for him, and that she’s afraid it might backfire. Now, Ashley starts to get a bit nervous. She clams up. She stutters and pauses and terrifies J.P. in hesitating to form sentences. He looks terrified. Is she terminally ill? Kicking him off the show? Nope! Just Bentley again. She reveals that she met with Bentley in the hotel and that they had a talk, since she never got closure from him and was very sad when he left. Ashley is clear about the fact that she really likes J.P. and felt compelled to tell him first, so that they could move ahead in their relationship without any regrets or unfinished business about Bentley. J.P. reacts like any real man should, thanking her for being honest and telling her that he’s glad for her closure. I can tell he’s still a bit peeved, but that’s understandable. He reassures Ashley that she can tell him anything, whatever is on her mind, because it means a lot to him. She offers him the rose, and they kiss, and it actually doesn’t gross me out in the least. J.P. tells us that things are perfect and he’s blown away. Swoon.

It’s time for the final cocktail party, to which Ashley rides on a boat in a sparkly silver dress, all optimistic and excited about her future with the guys. Her visions are spat upon the moment she stands before them and reveals the Bentley closure, at which point they all decide to act like she has just admitted to inseminating herself with Bentley’s child. She breaks the news in the most sensitive way possible, but the guys can’t see through their own indignation. Constantine feels lied to, he says, because she claimed that all of her past relationships were finished in her mind, but she apparently still had feelings for Bentley. Lucas asks her why her closure couldn’t have been achieved earlier. Blake is curious about what was said between the two of them in the hotel room. Ashley gets flustered and starts crying, not having expected such a reaction from the men. On one hand, I get their frustration and disappointment, and I get that they might be somewhat insulted by her interest in another player who’s not even in the game anymore, but their pride is too fragile. J.P. is the only real man in the room.

Ryan takes Ashley aside to comfort her and pretends to be completely unfazed by the news while emphasizing how shocked and appalled the other men are. What a snake. He claims to have been out there calming the men down, like a triage nurse after a 10-car pileup. Ryan assures her that he told the guys not to overreact. Cut to Lucas, who’s legitimately making too big a deal out of this, complaining that he’s been traveling and putting all of his effort into Ashley while she’s thinking about another guy all along. The others, minus J.P., whine about how Ashley’s been obsessed with Bentley, who got a free trip to Hong Kong just to score a one-on-one with her on-camera, even though he’s out of the running already and should be at home. Okay, they have a point, but still. Get over it, and move on. She’s not wearing anyone’s ring yet, and I assume they don’t want her daydreaming about Bentley on the honeymoon, so it had to be done.

Ames sits with Ash to pontificate about how life isn’t a fairy tale, but its beauty is in its complexity, or something of the sort. He wasn’t too pleased when he was dishing with the other guys, but she buys his line. Blake admits to Ashley that he’s disappointed, since he thought Bentley was a non-issue. He feels like he’s competing against eight other men now, instead of just seven. Did you not hear her talk about closure and moving on? What a child! He’s got a false, chauvinistic aura, and I have had it up to here with his scapegoating. It’s obvious to me now that Blake has nothing to offer, and I hope Ashley can see that very clearly. Blake piles on pounds and pounds of guilt. He tells her he’s feeling like they’re not in sync, and he feels hurt. She cries. I’m going to go ahead and diagnose him with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He and Bentley should go grab some beers sometime. Blake brings Ashley in for a hug, which is a classic trick. Make her cry and then comfort her. He manipulatively tells her that he doesn’t even know if it’s worth it for him to stick around. Oh, he will. Guys like him never leave.

J.P. is confused about why all of the men are reacting so selfishly. He tells the camera that he doesn’t think they should be trying to make Ashley feel bad for a personal choice that she made. Where did this highly-evolved adult male come from? Are there more out there? The more primitive Mickey confronts Ashley and tells her he feels lied to, and so do the other guys, though no one will admit it. He tells her, “I just don’t see what the hell you saw in that guy,” and she cries some more. What a sadist. He asks to be sent home, and she rightly replies that he needs to take the initiative and leave, instead. He does. Mickey was almost invisible on the show, so I don’t care, and neither should anyone else, even though he was pretty handsome. Besides, if Ashley had been more into him, she wouldn’t have been so matter-of-fact about his exit. Ashley toasts the remaining guys and thanks them for sticking around. She explains how optimistic she was, that she had hoped her honesty would pay off. She was wrong. When she leaves, J.P. thinks it would be a good idea to reveal to the guys that he was told the news the night before on their one-on-one date. They’re all insulted and jealous. I’m sure he feels pretty good having a leg up on the others.

I’m going to stop paying attention to these sit-downs with Chris Harrison, because they’re useless. In this episode’s edition, Chris drums up the drama, tells Ashley that the guys feel second-best now, and tries to get her to understand that she’s in a tough spot and it’s only getting worse. She seems to realize that he’s only trying to get her to cry some more, and so she wisely stops.

At the rose ceremony, J.P., Lucas, and Ryan already have roses. Ashley calls Ben, Constantine, and Ames for theirs, leaving Blake to go home like the loser that he is. He complains about Bentley some more as he exits and talks about how he just wants a friend and someone he can respect and look up to, as if most people aren’t worthy of that honor. Ass.

Ashley and the guys are headed to Taiwan, she announces. The teaser for the rest of the season promises unimaginable drama and a trip to Fiji. “There’ll be plenty more cryin’,” ABC assures us, “and a whole lotta heartbreak!” The TV-lover in me can’t wait, even though I very earnestly want a happy ending for our dear, sweet Ashley.

Season 7, Episode 6 (original airdate June 27, 2011.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Victor Fraile and ABC.

So when, fresh from his June 14th wedding to now wife Laura, Ben Bass tells me that his mind is far away from the set of his hit ABC series Rookie Blue I can completely understand. Calling from the windy streets of Stratford-upon-Avon, Bass took the time to talk with Poptimal about the working on Blue, the love of Shakespeare, and the possibility of working together with his new wife.

Rookie Blue returns this week for its second season. The show revolves around five rookie cops as they learn to face the duties and expectations of being a police officer. Ben Bass plays Sam Swarek on the ABC series. Formerly an undercover cop whose cover was blown, he now plays training officer to one of the series leads Andy McNally (played by Missy Peregrym).

When asked how he’s enjoying the series so far, Bass says that along with the series’ stellar writing and great storylines, what he really enjoys the most is the closeness of the entire cast.

“One of the things I like about it the most is it’s a really tight group of people,” Bass says of the group calling them “one of the funniest and nicest” that he’s worked with. “There are no egos, we just all really get along and we look forward to seeing the people when you go to work.”

While Bass has great things to say about the entire cast, he says his relationship with some of them are closer due to sheer proximity. Bass states that he and his on-screen trainee Peregrym have a close working relationship mostly due to the fact that “we’ve got so much stuff together.” Also, Bass is close with Noam Jenkins (Jerry Barber on the show) and it seems that art is a reflection of life as the two play buddies on the show and have been friends off-set for many years.

“He and I are good buddies and whenever we work together we’re always hanging out,” Bass says. “We’re supposed to be friends in the show so it works.”

When asked about who he hasn’t gotten to share much screen time with while filming the show, Bass states that he would love to have more scenes with Melanie Nicholls-King.  “She’s a lot of fun and she’s a great actor. I think we’d have some interesting stuff to do.”

As for what we’ll see from Sam in this upcoming season, well we’ve already seen last season as Sam and Andy waver with the maybe they’re gonna hook up, but they really shouldn’t, but oh boy do they really want to back and forth. And while Sam has been in love with Andy who’s in a serious relationship with Luke (Eric Johnson), things are starting to shake up in the second season as relationships are tested. And fans can prepare for the Sam-Andy-Luke triangle to develop into a… square?

When not working, Bass, who describes himself as the adventurous type, loves to scuba-dive, travel and most recently jump the broom. (Yeah, that’s a totally corny segue, but it worked.) Taking time out from his honeymoon “phase 1,” Bass describes how nice it is to get a change of pace from his hectic work.

“I’m in England at the moment. I’m looking over a field near Stratford-upon-Avon… I haven’t been thinking about work at all, which is fairly wonderful,” said Bass. “Because when you’re in the thick of it that’s pretty much all you can think about. It’s nice to get a real break from that.”

Keshaunta Moton for Poptimal.com: So, how was the wedding?
Ben Bass: It was wonderful, we had a wonderful ceremony; just a tiny little family wedding, in a tiny little old, old church. It went very well. We had rain on every other day except that day. It turned out to be a very beautiful day.

Poptimal.com: That’s so awesome, congratulations!
Bass: Thanks.

Poptimal.com: Do we know her, your wife?
Bass: Well, she’s an actress who’s getting started. Her name is Laura Carswell. And we’ve been together for three years…I tell you, I could never have a career as a wedding planner. I would be fired from my first job.

Poptimal.com: Why do you say that?
Bass: It’s so hard, I found it really challenging. We pulled it off, but it was a lot of work. Even though it went well, I don’t have a lot of skill in that department.

Poptimal.com: Do you think Sam would be any better at planning a wedding?
Bass: No, I think he’d be way worse than me. I think he would secretly get someone else to do all the work. No, I think I’m much better at planning a wedding than Sam would ever be.

Poptimal.com: That’s fair. So what do you like to do when you’re not shooting?
Bass: I love to travel. If I could do that a lot I’d do that as much as I possibly could. When I can, I play quite a bit of guitar, I’ve played for a long time. I like to read Shakespeare and work on Shakespeare plays, whether or not I do them I like to read and work on the material. I love to go to the gym, I go to the gym all the time. The gym’s a big part of my life and gets all sorts of positive chemicals flowing through my body.

Poptimal.com: Is Shakespeare why you’re at Stratford-upon-Avon?
Bass: We’re going to see some tomorrow night, and we’re going to see some more in London when we get there. We did see a production of “Much Ado About Nothing.” We saw that at the Globe. It’s such a great space to see a show in. We’re supposed to see “War Horse” which is supposed to be a terrific play, and obviously we’ll see the sights and what not. Just soak it all up.

Poptimal.com: So, you guys have already shot the second season? What can fans look forward to seeing?
Bass: I haven’t seen any of it. I’m not a huge fan of watching material that I’m in. I’ll watch it eventually, because you have to watch it at some point. But I like to postpone that as long as I can. But everybody who’s seen it thinks it’s better than the first season so I think the fans have to look forward to lots of romantic tension between Andy and Sam and how frustrating that is and where it goes. Then it starts to go in a very interesting direction with regard to everybody that’s involved; Luke, Sam, Andy and another person who shall remain unnamed for the moment. Fans aren’t going to get what they expect but they’re going to like what they get.

Poptimal.com: You said that there’s an unnamed person coming in, what’s the chance that your wife can get in there?
Bass: They want to bring her in, they totally do. It’s just finding the right part for her and that it’s something that she would want to do as well. I think that there’s every chance that they’ll bring her in and I would certainly love to have her do anything on the show. It would just be great to have her there. She would bring a lot to it, she’s a terrific actor.

I’m totally excited about the idea of watching these two act it out on screen. And it’s great that everyone seems intent on making that happen. But watch out Laura, because if Ben had his way you guys would not be buddying it up on the small screen. When asked whether he would prefer to be friends or enemies with his new wife’s potential character Bass answers that while it would be interesting to be on screen friends, “I think it’s a lot of fun to play enemies with someone that you’re close with.” So what does that mean: a scorned ex, a rival cop, drug dealer or new recruit? The possibilities are endless. But either way, Bass says of the possible experience, “I know we’ll enjoy it. Whatever the writers bring, it will be fun and interesting no doubt.”

Congratulations once again to the new Mr. and Mrs. Ben Bass. Enjoy your honeymoon, ignore the phone, and tell us all about it when you get back!

Catch Rookie Blue on Thursday nights at 10 p.m. EST on ABC!

Photo courtesy of Annabel Reyes/ABC.

Chris Harrison enters. This time around, Ashley will offer them a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one, during which one man will be sent packing before the date is complete. Ryan imagines his name on the first date card, since he hasn’t yet enjoyed a private rendezvous with the bachelorette and thinks it’s about time. As we’ll soon see, this guy will stop at nothing to get what he wants, even though the first date turns out to be Ben F.’s. Perhaps because Ryan gives me the most fascinating Ted Bundy vibes, I’d hate to see him go home anytime soon.

Ashley and Ben F. meet for their date, which centers around yet another open-air market. To ABC, outdoor markets full of charred meats and handmade clothing most effectively alert the viewers that we’re in a foreign land. Ash and Ben walk around and prattle mindlessly while sampling street food and trying on shirts and hats. Ben says he feels like he’s on vacation with his girlfriend. Does he always bring camera crews on his vacations, and is he always so stiff and awkward with his girlfriends? I can’t for a second understand what she might see in him, but Ashley is an eternal optimist. For her, romantic sparks are as ubiquitous as water, and she admits that this date feels very right, that the spark is “there” with Ben. He tells the camera that he’s beginning to see Ashley as a potential wife or fiance, which is good, since the show is centered around the assumption that he feels that way upon entering the mansion on night one.

The two lovebirds visit a humongous temple, which is actually very beautiful and majestic; it’s a shame that all Ashley and Ben can think to do is sit on a bench in front of it and bemoan the fact that they are forbidden to kiss, since it’s considered a sacred place. Instead, they close their eyes, face each other, and share a “mental kiss” while Ashley promises to make it up to him later. She says she just wants to jump on him before growling with a predatory hunger. She has never been shy about her intentions thus far, and that’s one thing I can admire. At dinner, Ashley tells us that “everything about Ben is so comfortable,” that she feels like he’s been her boyfriend for “a long time now.” That’s because he’s about as trusty and nonthreatening as a well-worn T-shirt, with just as much charisma. To make up for their lack of interesting conversation at the dinner table, production has decorated the space elaborately with an intricate pattern of colorful flowers.

With this guy, what you see is what you get. I don’t think the well runs very deep, but Ashley seems determined to stick with it until she’s so tragically bored that she can no longer persist in her fantasy of what he could one day become for her. Ashley points out that the events of their date were so mundane that it forced them to create fun around them. Yeah, that humongous ancient temple wasn’t quite interesting enough, so they had to spice it up with their cute non-kiss and monotone discussion of what a great backdrop Thailand turned out to be for their budding non-romance. She asks him about his winery, and he says it’s the best profession in the world. He talks about the death of his father four years ago and how the event rendered him emotionally unavailable for awhile. His dad was a huge part of his life, and Ben didn’t feel like he could ever replace that love when he died. Women couldn’t measure up. Wait, am I understanding him correctly? I suppose it’s a good thing that Ben enjoyed such a close relationship with his father that he felt vacant and unable to connect with women after his passing, but it strikes me as odd. At any rate. Ben swears he’s a new man, more grown up with fewer emotional walls.

Back at the villa, we learn that the group date will include Constantine, Nick, Ames, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, J.P., and Mickey, which leaves William and Ben C. for the two-on-one date. Neither is very happy about that news. Unfortunately for us, Ben F. and Ashley’s dinner isn’t over yet. He drones on about how he plans to treat his future wife. He wants to travel, focus on his woman, have nights in with friends and lots of wine, cook for dinner parties, and make his partner his ultimate priority. Ashley tells us that Ben is saying everything she was hoping to hear from a suitor. Yeah, I hear men tend to do that. She reveals, “For the first time in a very long time, I’m feeling hopeful.” You were feeling “hopeful” at the start of this episode, Ashley. What happened since then? Pick an emotion and stay there for awhile. Ben F. gets the rose, and they kiss. Ben mentions the “playful, giddy, puppydog love feeling” inside of him, and Ashley claims that Ben is “the kinda guy [she] could fall in love with.” Snore.

The adorable but possessive J.P. laments the impending group date, saying he wishes instead that he and Ashley could have their alone time. I don’t know how I feel about him acting so entitled to her already, but I like that he seems so genuinely interested in her without caring too much about the politics of the house. For their date, Ashley takes them all to train for Muay Thai boxing. Ryan is all about it, saying that he had hoped to observe this art form but never expected to participate. Ames reveals that he’s never been in a fight, but “Ashley’s worth it.” The men all do pushups with Thai trainers on their backs, barking orders and forcing them to do several repetitions of everything. Ashley wears spandex and stands on the sidelines, bouncing around and giggling at their misfortune. “I feel bad, but it’s still kind of hot,” she purrs, eyes wide with desire. Lucas does a crude imitation of the trainers’ accents; “Do sit up! Do sit up!” he repeats. Ames swings at a punching bag and threatens to come out of his shell and “kick some ass,” though he admits that Ashley’s cheerleading is a distraction.

Ashley shows the guys their new kickboxing gear, consisting of colorful shorts. “It’s gonna be hot,” she says, picturing them lined up half-naked and glistening in front of her, a veritable buffet of sweaty muscle. She is really something; I can’t get over how unabashed she is about her one-track mind. The men are dressed and ready to go to the next phase of the date. Ames is decked out in a pair of bright pink shorts. Today is not his day. They learn they’ll have to enter the boxing ring in pairs and fight each other; J.P. freaks out, since he’s apparently the smallest guy in the game. Outdoors somewhere, spectators gather to watch the battles. Ashley says she wants the guys to have fun and not take this too seriously, even though this is a sport for which men train diligently for years in the hopes of fighting without loss of life or limb.

In Lucas vs. Blake, Lucas is knocked out, giving Blake extra bounce in his step and renewed confidence. Ashley admits that the date be more dangerous than she anticipated, and she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. It’s too late. Mickey and J.P. enter the ring, and it looks like Mickey will have his opponent’s head on a platter at first, beating J.P. down while Ashley watches and cringes. She claims that her strong feelings for the men cause her to be concerned about them not getting hurt. I think her desire to watch them fight over her outweighs any consideration about their safety. In a huge comeback, J.P. swings back and wins the battle, bragging that a Long Island Jew was able to defeat an Irishman from Cleveland. Next up are Ames and Ryan. Ames tells the camera that he usually seeks alternatives to violence, reminding us that he’s never fought before. Lucas explains that Ames has been “studying at Harvard and Yale” while the rest of them were “all being idiots and fighting in the street.” I picture them as a scrappy pack of orphans in mid-century London, banding together to beat the system that failed them using petty theft and clever evasion techniques in the face of uncompromising lawmen and too-stale bread. While the real men learned to fend for themselves, Ames was tucked away in a university library, poring over stacks of books while sipping chamomile tea. I must say, it’s probably something close to the truth. Ames has no hope in the ring. Ryan wails on him with no remorse, punching his head repeatedly until he emerges victorious. Ryan the Sociopath has come out on top, and Ames walks away woozy, with glassy eyes and a bloody nose.

As Nick and Constantine prepare for the final battle, everyone is distracted by Pink-Shorts as he sits on the bench in a mental fog. He doesn’t seem to know where he is or remember his own name, so Ashley runs off to get help. Constantine wins his fight, but no one cares, and Ash isn’t there to see it. Ames crawls into an ambulance, and Ashley waves him off. He admits to not feeling like himself as he’s wheeled into the emergency room. As the group transitions from the outdoor ring to the post-date cocktail party, Ashley reveals that everyone’s morale is down. This woman could not catch a break if it were a virus transmitted via the indifferent kisses of emotionally manipulative men.

The guys sit around and pretend to hope Ames returns tonight instead of kicking the bucket at the hospital. Ashley sits with the group and tells them she feels bad for what happened. Ryan takes her aside to proudly display his war wounds after faking regret for one second. Lifetime should get a jump-start on the pre-production of that primetime movie they’ll need to air in the event that Ryan convinces Ashley to marry him. Interrupting the proceedings, Ames walks in. Ryan mutters under his breath that he thought he’d eliminating his opponent for good. Ashley brings Ames over to chat, but he can barely get any words out. He fumbles over expressing his relief to be with her again and apologizes for being out of sorts. That Ryan is an absolute genius for taking this opportunity to incapacitate one of his competitors with such swiftness and ease. Ames seems as if he’s been lobotomized; he reveals that he has a slight concussion and is useless in conversation for the night. Ashley seems charmed by this, so the plan may have backfired.

Blake and Ashley sit down for a moment to discuss the fact that things are proceeding a bit slowly for them. That’s putting it mildly. I literally only remember his name when he comes on the screen using the process of elimination. I know there’s a guy named Blake, and I know that none of the other men are named Blake, so this guy must be him. There is nothing distinct about him. Lucas is up next. He says he enjoyed today, even though he’s a golfer above all else. Ashley asks him to do the admittedly cliche golf pose with her. She wants him to stand behind her and guide her swing; she asks if she should stick out her butt as she helpfully demonstrates the concept. Lucas gets flustered and breathless. “I’m not gonna lie,” Ashley says. “I was pretty turned on.” This chick is my new favorite person. Has there ever been a more sexed-up bachelorette? They sit back down, and Lucas tells her that he knows Bentley is the closest to her type, even with all the remaining men vying for her attention. Ashley says that despite her animalistic attraction to Bentley, she needs to explore more long-term prospects and likes Lucas more each time they talk. Incredibly, though, she gives the group date rose to Blake in order to “reassure him” about their budding relationship. He tells us that he would like to be able to tell their kids one day about how Mom and Dad fell in love in Thailand. I wouldn’t waste too much time weaving that tale if I were him.

The two-on-one date is upon us. Ben C. hopes to rediscover his chemistry with Ashley. William wants to get back on track after their first one-on-one weeks ago. First, they float down a river on a raft. Ashley says it’s weighing heavily on her mind that she has to send one of them home during the date. William is annoyed that he’s up front steering while Ben and Ashley get to converse behind him. Will claims that the date is very awkward, and Ben is irritating him. They both have a right to be there, so I don’t think that’s fair. “Ben C.’s gotta go, and it’s not going to be a pretty sight,” threatens William to the camera. He takes Ashley aside for a serious talk. “I’ll be completely honest,” he says somberly. “I believe he’s, in a way, ready to go home,” William says about Ben. He then goes on to claim that Ben has been walking around the house talking about how he can’t wait to leave so he can get started on some dating websites. This snitching session feels really slimy and creepy to me. It plays right into Ashley’s insecurity and fear, and she feels awful upon being told the news. Without hesitation, she proceeds directly to Ben C. to give him the chop. As she walks him out of the park, she explains her reasoning. “It was very recently brought to my attention that you were considering online dating,” she tells him. Very recently, indeed. Ben explains that any comments he may have made in the house were in jest, and he’s disappointed that William would tell such a tale. He says he wasn’t kidding around about wanting to seriously get to know Ashley. Since she was lukewarm about him, anyway, she’s fine with just sending him home. He drifts off, never to be seen again. At least he was classy about it and didn’t confront William, even though he was unfairly sabotaged.

Ash walks back into William’s comforting arms. They go to dinner, and William explains that he’s still nervous about the rose being on the line. He acknowledges that she doesn’t have to give it to him, even though he’s the last man standing on this date. He tells Ashley that he admires the fact that she trusted him without question, which proves how much she cares about him. Ugh. What a slimeball. None of this feels right at all, and even Ashley- thank goodness!- can see what she needs to do. He tells her he’s ecstatic about being with her tonight, but something tells me he’s insincere and only in it to win it. Ashley asks him a couple personal questions in the hopes of recovering some of their old chemistry. William talks about how he’s a 30 year-old boy who doesn’t want to grow up yet. The flags are only getting redder. Ashley tells him that she keeps looking to feel what she once felt for him, though she can not. She walks him out without a rose. As he’s driven off, William explains that he doesn’t want to go home, since he’s returning to “nothing.” “I feel like I don’t deserve anything,” he says, adding that he’ll probably slip back into his deep, dark hole and pull the rock over top of it. He wants to “curl up in bed and not wake up.” Wow. I hope someone thought to put him on suicide watch upon his arrival home. Ashley walks away afraid once again that none of the guys really like her. Maybe it won’t work for her anymore, she worries.

At the final cocktail party of the week, Ashley begs the guys to be open and honest with her if they’re not feeling the situation. Don’t let Ben C. ruin the whole thing for you, Ash. Keep your head up! Ryan talks to her about how he wants to be honest about how totally into her he is and how much he looks forward to spending time with her. She says she’s happy with where they are in their relationship and sends him off so she can chat with Constantine. He admits to her that he admires her realness, and he “naturally” feels closer to the guys than he does with her so far. He’s trying to figure out if he can develop true feelings for her, but he hasn’t gotten to know her well enough yet. That seems fair at this point, and it’s more honest than love-at-first-sight. He’s confident enough to tell her that without pleading with her to keep him around, which I like. Maybe he’s taking advantage of her neediness and sitting back so that she will come to him, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt here. When Constantine returns to sit with the guys, he talks about how he’d have to be serious about the girl to bring her home to his family. He’s already imagining the hometown dates, which seems a bit premature. He tells us that right now, he’s feeling a bit of a friend vibe and doesn’t have enough of a gut feeling about wanting to marry her. Maybe all of Ashley’s fears are well-founded. Carry on, then. Ashley talks with J.P. about the process of their being a normal couple in the future. She wants to know if he could settle into domesticity with her, and she seems to genuinely like him. He reveals how jealous he’s become when she spends time with the other guys. She says she’s scared to get hurt and develop strong feelings for J.P. She admits to still thinking about Bentley. Stop it!

Chris Harrison recaps Ashley’s dates with her before the rose ceremony. She says that she’s sure about her core group of men, but she struggles to be open. Chris can tell that she’s preoccupied, and she takes forever to admit that she’s still thinking about Bentley and wishes they had closure before he left. She has to talk to him in order to move forward, she says. Chris acts disappointed in her and tries to subtly clue her in that Bentley doesn’t care. I hate Chris Harrison with my whole heart. He is completely complicit in allowing that scumbag to continue deceiving Ashley and waste everyone’s time in doing so. He looks like a disappointed father, glaring at Ashley while barely containing his joy at how wealthy he’s becoming with each new episode. He has a direct interest in allowing her heart to be played with for the delight of the viewers, and she hasn’t really thought about that, it seems. Though he pretends to disapprove, he promises to “make something happen” for Ashley by arranging some sort of communication between her and Bentley, though he can’t make any promises. Right. Except that Bentley is probably already in talks with the network to keep up his act for the rest of his life so that no one will ever know that his onscreen persona was carefully crafted and laid out in a contract. As Ashley prepares to hand out her roses, she says that she knows how silly she must look to the audience, but she has to follow her heart. Though she is being dumb in this case, I really do admire her willingness to put herself out there and risk everything for her happy ending.

In order, the following guys are awarded roses: Constantine, Lucas, Ames, Mickey, and Ryan. Ben F. and Blake already had their roses, so that means Nick is gone. Goodbye, Nick. He leaves without fanfare, and Ashley barely waves goodbye. She announces that they’re headed to Hong Kong next, and they all celebrate wearily, sort of hoping deep down that they could just return to America for some rest and a merciful final decision on the part of their fickle bachelorette.

NEXT WEEK: The confrontation with Bentley is actually going to happen this time, I promise.

Season 7, Episode 5 (original airdate June 20, 2011.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Dave Hagerman, Craig Sjodin and ABC.

Chris Harrison tells the twelve remaining fellows that they’re headed to Phuket, Thailand for two one-on-one dates and one group outing with the apple of most of their eyes. They’re pretty thrilled. Men seem to really like Thailand for some reason. I wonder what that’s about. West says in a talking head that he hopes Ashley can get over her breakup with Bentley in time to enjoy all of the “really cute guys in the house.” Yeah, I’m almost sure that’s what he said, but let’s not get too concerned about his wording. He’s an adorable guy, at any rate.

Ashley’s already landed in Thailand on her own to prepare for the guys’ arrival by pensively walking on a beach and wondering if she’ll be able to dig herself out of her hole of misery after losing Bentley, whom she’s known for a couple weeks and was forewarned about well before the meeting outside the limo. I’d really hate to witness her mourning process after the collapse of a decade-long marriage. I’m thinking Mother Theresa would need to be resurrected just to provide Ashley with a cot. Our spunky bachelorette persists through the pain to visit some sort of welcome center, where a guide awaits to suggest a few date ideas. Since the production team thinks we’re a pack of drooling idiots, they expect us to believe that Ashley is planning the itinerary herself and that nothing at all was scheduled before her plane touched down in Phuket while she sipped the last of her white wine spritzer. Yeah, okay.

The men all arrive at their villa with the pool, which we’ve already seen in every other country showcased on this program. Soon, they get their first date card; it alerts them to the news that Constantine gets a one-on-one. He’s a more handsome Ben F., but I suspect he’s lacking in the personality department, since I’ve seen practically nothing of him so far, and his name makes me think of that awful creep from American Idol. Constantine meets Ashley outside in the drizzle and extreme wind, and they stand next to a boat that they were supposedly hoping to row out to a private beach for the date. Right on cue, an old Thai man emerges to let the couple know that the weather isn’t good enough to take the boat out. They feign disappointment and showily rack their brains for a Plan B as if another camera crew isn’t already set up at the Plan B location. This is the sort of wrenching hardship that once served as the solid (if temporary) foundation of Chantal and Brad’s relationship, so these crazy kids just might work, after all.

Ash and Constantine walk around a flea market. Constantine comes up with the brilliant idea to communicate with some locals, and lo and behold, there’s already a camera set up behind a gray-haired man in a solo chair, sitting quietly and patiently while waiting for the white American couple to arrive and ask him a few questions on the air. He doesn’t speak English, but there happens to be a young female translator hanging just outside of frame, so she helps them converse with the old man. We find out that he’s been married for 36-or-something years and that his secret to marriage is to forgive and forget instead of trying to be right all the time. Ashley and her date thank him for his wisdom and then walk off. I guess the lesson to be learned here is that love is universal and even men from all the way in super exotic Thailand have wives that need placating. See how we’re all the same, guys? These show-runners are always so aggressively desperate to simulate humanity and pathos that I almost want to give a second look at those reptilian conspiracies. Also, I wonder if they get Yes, Dear all the way in Thailand.

Constantine and Ashley continue to mill about before sitting down to crack open beers and congratulate themselves for going with the flow today. Ashley voice-overs that she’s still thinking about Bentley on her dates. Is this broad nuts?! Fortunately, she says, this date with Constantine has brought her spirits up. She has a little bit of her heart back and is now “ready to start giving it away.” I wonder if maybe some of her inadequacy issues stem from her inability to hang onto her own heart for more than a few minutes at a time. Does she have no discretion at all? At dinner, she wonders if she should tell hot-but-bland Constantine just how she felt for Bentley. That doesn’t seem like a good idea. Instead, she asks him to tell her if he’s not into her. Why does she assume by default that every guy in the game is hopelessly apathetic about her? Constantine is trying a bit too hard, reassuring Ashley that he’s open and vulnerable now, after disappointments in love due to self-sabotaging behavior. Sounds like he’s studied up on Ashley’s season and wants to convince her of their similar predicaments. Of course, she falls for it and says the date was “purrr-fehkt.” She hands him the rose, and he’s safe from elimination.

Ashley goes into her group date with the intention of giving the guys the attention they deserve by not obsessively thinking about Bentley. She takes them to paint the interior and exterior of an orphanage for kids whose parents were killed by the big tsunami, and most of the men seem thankful to be doing it. While they paint and clown around, we’re treated to a series of talking heads about how much everyone hates Ryan now. Mickey calls Ryan an attention-hog. Blake says that Ryan irks everybody with his “different” personality. Ben F. says Ryan is “always on,” and sometimes his “Ryan meter” reaches a max and he can’t take it anymore. Ryan floats around obliviously, bothering people while they work. Ashley, meanwhile, apparently needing validation for even the simplest of acts, asks J.P. how she’s doing with the paint roller as she awkwardly bends in front of the wall. He calls her a pro, since he is very kind, and they already had one super cute date, so he’s fallen pretty hard by this point.  Ben F. paints a mural of a deformed elephant atop grass and flowers on one of the walls, and the children are brought in to see their new digs. Ashley helps them practice a bit of English by emphasizing the water shooting out of the elephant’s trunk. “Water?” they repeat. “Like the stuff that killed our parents, Miss Ashley?”

The group date concludes at an outdoor bar which actually looks kind of cool. Ash sits the poor man’s Constantine down to tell him that he was impressive with his painting today. Ben F. replies that he could tell she was buzzing around him more than usual. She’s turned on by his confidence, so they kiss, and she admits that she likes him. To be fair, who doesn’t she like? At their nearby table, the guys talk trash about Ryan and his need to be the center of attention in all situations where Ashley can’t spot him acting up. Failed comedian William has been laying low this episode, but he peeks out long enough to state that Ryan has a clear shot in the final four, so he makes everyone nervous. Ashley sits down with Ryan and coincidentally thinks to ask him if he’s fitting in at the house. He says yes, that he always gets along with other guys. The men are all hoping Ryan doesn’t get the rose for this date, since he got it last week. Ashley is still telling the camera that she can’t stop thinking about Bentley, even with these men sitting in front of her. Is this a joke? Next, she pulls J.P. aside to talk, since he has been seeming “standoffish” and she can’t tell where he stands. She asks him if they’re still okay. Yes, by all means, Ashley, try to duplicate your exact behavior from last season. You know, that method that totally worked last time and didn’t leave you heartbroken and crying at all. J.P. reassures her that their last one-on-one date was perfect, though she was shell-shocked after Bentley’s departure, and he loved having her fall asleep on his chest. They kiss while Ashley tells us that her kisses with J.P. are “magical,” the best kisses she’s had on the show yet “by far,” and that J.P. “is one sexy man.” He struggles a bit while picking her up to carry her a few feet across the sand. She must weigh all of 74 pounds, but he looks like he could drop her on her head at any moment. Ryan is peeved that J.P. would carry her in front of the other guys.

Ashley walks over to hand out the rose to her MVP for the night. She’s just about to announce her decision when Ryan steals her away. She’s forced to comply, I think, by the rules of the show, so she goes off with him for a pointless chat. He tells her that he can’t wait to have more conversations with her. That was strange. This guy is showing signs of control issues very early on, and I think the men are wise to see something off about him. J.P. tells the camera that Ashley can’t possibly be into Ryan if she’s into him, since the two of them aren’t alike at all. The other men have expressed the same thing, so I think Ryan’s a bit of a loose cannon. Before everyone jumps into the pool, Ashley hands over the rose to homely-and-bland Ben F.

Ames gets the final one-on-one date of the week, and he’s pumped. Ashley wants to get to know him apart from the intimidating other guys, since she sees Ames as  sweet and intelligent. We soon find out that he’s taken two trips to Phuket already, each as a solo adventure. After college, he came to climb the mountains, and last summer, he enrolled in a cooking school the night he came up with the idea. This guy must be loaded. Ashley is impressed at how spontaneous he is, and he insist that he does most things last-minute. They’re on some ship, and Ashley hints at him to do the Titanic pose, but he doesn’t take the bait. Next they’re on a kayak, rowing themselves into a dark cave. It’s very green and luscious and beautiful, and Ashley thinks it’s amazingly romantic. Ames seems to like her in an objective sense, meaning that he keeps talking about how she’s beautiful and he’s a lucky guy to be spending time with a gal like her. It’s all very abstract, leading me to think that he’s not super interested beyond recognizing that she would make a pretty wife for someone one day, and he wouldn’t turn down her offer of making him oatmeal each morning before he goes mountain climbing all over the world.

They sit down and talk again; Ashley asks Ames what his best first date was, and he talks about the time he met a girl in a shoe store and ended up dating her for awhile. Wow. This guy is either really oblivious or really cocky. This must be a huge blow to Ashley’s already-frail self-esteem; she’s visibly disappointed that he preferred the shoe girl over boating in paradise. Still, she engages in marriage talk with him, saying she wants a man who is devoted to his wife and family, insisting that she wants to travel a whole lot and expose her kids to new cultures and new activities. How convenient. Let’s keep track of how Ashley’s wants and needs continue to morph to mirror those of whatever guy happens to be in front of her. Ames tells us that he really wants to charm Ashley and snag that rose, but I just don’t believe it’s anything more than a personal challenge for him. She is his latest thrill. Of course, she continues to preen and giggle for him, calling him nerdy and claiming to be nerdy as well, since she has a closet full of dentist supplies in her home. I think that’s just called being a dentist, but what do I know? Ames says he wants to be married to a strong, independent woman like Ashley. Strong and independent? These guys keep referring to her that way just because she has a job. What else tipped them off? Her constant, woeful state of crippling insecurity and feelings of inadequacy in the presence of duplicitous, arrogant men to whom she readily relinquishes her heart, soul and common sense as soon as they wink in her direction? Ashley and Ames don’t kiss, and there is no spark, but he comes away with the rose, which is really all he was after.

It’s time for the cocktail party, where Ashley spends quality time with the bachelors. First, she asks West about his deceased wife, mentioning that she’s scared that she has big shoes to fill. West points out that his wife will always be a part of him, but he’s a different person now in a new situation, and there are no shoes to fill. Ashley nods unconvincingly. Lunkhead Lucas sits down to tell Ashley that she’s gorgeous, and he’d totally interrupt her meal at a restaurant to tell her as much. Then, he rattles off some cliches, something about being carefree and open-minded and fun and “what you see is what you get.” She acts like she knows what he’s talking about. She asks him about his ex-wife, with whom he’s still obviously in love. He says he doesn’t know if the concept of falling out of love is real, but he wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t see a connection with Ashley. Wow, that was reassuring. I guess ABC purposely picked the most unavailable single men on the planet for this season.

The guys sit around and talk about Ryan some more; they wonder if Ashley will see the truth about him and how “off” he is. Of course she won’t. Blake confronts Ryan to tell him that he’s too intense for everyone, and his extreme enthusiasm is off-putting. Ryan is shocked. He complains in a talking head that the guys should be happy like he is all the time, since they’re not all in Iraq waking up to mortar shots every morning, and they need to be grateful. He seems a bit jumpy and erratic; I’d see this more as a manic disorder than pure, innocent happiness. I think we can safely assume it’s cocaine or something similar. Blake tells the camera that Ryan acts like he’s eight years old. A little zest for life is fine every now and then, he explains, but Ryan goes overboard. Ashley takes Ryan aside to talk a bit; again, she just happens to ask him the most relevant questions possible. Are you really this happy all the time? Is this the real you? Do you ever get sad or mad? He replies that life is a gift, and you could “go” at any minute, so he has a lot of love bursting through his chest at all times. Yep, it’s drugs. Ashley walks away saying that Ryan is full of positive energy and seems to have his act together. Well, this woman is nothing if not a fantastic judge of character so far.

Ashley is interviewed by Chris about her dates, all of which she enjoyed very much. He reminds her that she was just heartbroken a couple days ago. She admits to still being hung up over Bentley and says that her “woman’s intuition” lets her know that there’s going to be something more between them. She will always wonder what could have been, she explains, and she hopes that some of her relationships with the remaining guys will approach the level of adoration she had for Bentley. She then reveals that she wants to break the rules and ask for an extra rose so that she only has to send one guy home tonight. I’m sure she thought of that idea all by herself, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Bentley left without being denied a rose last week. Laughably, Chris claims that there are no rules, and she can do what she wants, notwithstanding the reportedly life-altering contract every participant has to sign in their own blood before appearing on camera. Also, I’m sure it’d be totally cool if Ashley wanted to pick her guy now instead of continuing to deliver episodes to the network just to keep the show going. Ratings and money are only minor concerns here; central to their mission is Ashley’s personal fulfillment. No rules at all.

The rose ceremony begins, and the following men are chosen in order: Lucas, Ryan, J.P., Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, and Ben C, with Constantine, Ben F., and Ames having already received roses. Yep, that means our dear West has been kicked to the curb. Ashley gives him a casual hug and says, “It was my pleasure” instead of walking him out and explaining why she didn’t see anything happening between them. This chick is wild, I tell ya.

NEXT WEEK:  Ashley brings the gang to Chiang Mai, lands someone in a stretcher on some date shenanigans, and confronts Bentley in a Thai hotel room. Seriously.

Season 7, Episode 4 (original airdate June 13, 2011.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Kenny Ting and ABC.

BEST NEW SHOW

AMC’s The Killing may not be enjoying the media frenzy and cult following that The Walking Dead did earlier in the season, but its methodical exploration of the characters while continuing to focus on one slowly, deeply involving storyline has me hooked. While it can justifiably be considered a modern take on Twin Peaks, minus the bizarre panache of David Lynch, The Killing has managed to create an atmosphere and storytelling trajectory all its own. My only question is how far the series can continue once Rosie Larsen’s killer is nabbed – even the most enthralling of plots can only drag on for so long. AMC has done it again. – Erin Biglow

This TV season brought out the big guns with some very hyped and exciting new shows. Surprising to me was that the best two new shows seem a lot like old concepts that have been around the block.  The Killing, an American version of a Danish series, is more than just a remake. It is a poignant who-done-it that focuses on the repercussions of a murder and not just the crime scene investigation. It takes advantage of a subdued rain-soaked aesthetic and makes you really feel the characters’ emotions. It will haunt your dreams and turn a TV show into an obsession. In the reality realm, The Voice had to go up against comparisons to American Idol and within the first episode it put all doubts to rest. The show relies on the charisma of the judges/coaches and I have to give credit to The Voice for bringing an exciting new element to the singing competition genre and at the same time somehow making Adam Levine likable. – Gabe Callahan

WORST NEW SHOW – WHY IS IT STILL ON THE AIR?

This was a difficult choice as most of the really awful shows were cancelled (thankfully) but after watching Bob’s Burgers, I’m actually going to put this on my “why was this renewed?” list. Bob’s Burgers is on FOX which is the home of animated shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show and they also brought us Futurama and King of the Hill. Bob’s Burgers sadly fails to live up to the rest of FOX’s animation line-up. I just don’t find it funny at all and it’s pretty bland and boring. Sorry FOX. – Nicole Cukingnan

SHOW THAT WAS CANCELLED TOO SOON

Most shows try and find their footing in the first season and, admittedly, the first 10 episodes of Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, weren’t the perfection I’d come to expect from its predecessor. Still, the premise was interesting, both tying itself to the parent series while treading new ground and still tackling issues of politics, war and religion. The cast, including Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, Alessandra Torresani and the underrated Magda Apanowicz, deserve kudos for their performances with such dark and often existential material. After a long hiatus, the back half of the season was pretty epic and, sadly, we’ll now never get to know where the time jump at the end of the series finale would’ve taken us. – Josh Hatala

MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT

The cancellation of United States of Tara - I’m hoping that this is the result of the world starting to realize that Diablo Cody is a talentless hack who got by with a marketable background and a little bit of luck. Like all of Cody’s work, United States of Tara was cloying, obnoxious, in love with itself, and overstayed its welcome time and time again. Her Oscar win was one of the most insane moments in Academy Award history and her work since that win has shown that when the rubber hits the road, she doesn’t know what she’s doing (sorry, Jennifer’s Body fans — all three of you). The show was an embarrassment for Showtime, who has consistently battled HBO in a relentless fight for the crown of Premium Cable Programming King. Maybe they’ll finally do it now that the court jester is finally out on its ass. – Keith Kuramoto

For me, the most memorable moment of the 2010-2011 television season was not a good one.  It was however, unforgettable.  A few weeks ago a show that I know and love, Grey’s Anatomy, inexplicably turned into something quite different.  Instead of the dramatic acting that I’d come to appreciate, I was subjected to my favorite characters belting out their lines, with varying results.  That’s right: they were singing.  And not in a tongue-in-cheek way; they were serious! Sorry Shonda Rhimes, I wasn’t laughing with you – I was laughing at you.  This is just one woman’s opinion, and I was roundly slammed by plenty of people who loved the episode.  I’m glad that this concept was just a one show deal, and I’m filing it under “Never Happened.” – Tanya Lane

MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER

Nothing against the beautiful Jessica Szohr, but Gossip Girl‘s Vanessa Abrams will go down as one of the most annoying, stupidest, clearly bipolar characters to ever grace our TV screens. The writers realized they’d boxed themselves into a crazy corner for which there would be no recovery, so they smartly decreased her screentime this past season. Sadly, that didn’t make her any less annoying. – Inisia Lewis

Emma Pillsbury on Glee. She is the guidance counselor with the unbelievably annoying voice that makes me want to scream SPEAK UP! because it always sounds like she is talking in the middle of a library. Her character annoys the crap out of me because she is so exaggeratedly prissy, childlike and spineless. Also, I just never care about her storylines and find her boring and grating to listen to. - Kelley Lynn

FAVORITE CHARACTER

Brittany on Glee - Anyone who thinks Dr. Pepper is a dentist and lesbians are “lebanese” is worth watching a show for. The writing on Glee is really killer, so for Heather Morris to rise above the Santanas and Sue Sylvesters is impressive. Brittany constantly out-dumbs herself, but I still love watching her every week. And I’m not even remotely ashamed to admit that I’d die to be on “Fondue for Two.” – Renata Sellitti

My favorite character in this season’s line-up of shows is a toss up between Ron Swanson (played by Nick Offerman) from Parks and Recreation and the lovable Phil Dunphy (played by Ty Burrell) from Modern Family, but in the end, the scale tips in favor of my favorite meat loving libertarian who once summarized his feelings about people like this:

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about other people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

Ron Swanson is a middle-aged man with a mustache only the gods could create and a desire for all government to end. But until that day comes, he heads the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department and wistfully prays for the day everything becomes privatized and all businesses run as smoothly as a Chuck E. Cheese. It’s a pipe dream, but he holds onto it nonetheless. While trying to keep a nutty cast of characters in line, Ron unwittingly functions as the glue of the Parks Department. Some may argue that is Leslie Knope’s job but I submit to you Ron Swanson’s name for consideration. Ron’s deadpan office management keeps everyone somewhat in check (I think the old live land mine he keeps in his office probably helps too). My favorite scene this season is when Chris Traeger (played by Rob Lowe) makes Ron come out into the open and sit in the middle of a large donut shaped desk. As Ron swivels to avoid anyone that comes his way, you can understand the sheer pain he feels in doing anything to assist Pawnee citizens. It’s a tragic moment as you realize Ron does his best work when he’s locked in his office playing with his 1933 Luger and eating giant Renaissance fair turkey legs. Cheers, Ron Swanson. –Aswathi Zacariah

Stay tuned for Part 2 when our writers name the most shocking season finale, the overall best and worst shows from the 2010-11 season, and much more!

Photos courtesy of IMDb Pro, The CW, ABC and AMC.

Kicking things off was an action-laden montage of clips featuring some of the most exciting moments to come from next season’s lineup. Execs are clearly betting on big things for the network’s reboot of Charlie’s Angels, set to precede Grey’s Anatomy and go against the likes of CBS’s Community and The Big Bang Theory, as well as FOX’s X Factor in the fall and American Idol midseason. The hour-long action caper stars Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights), Rachael Taylor (Transformers) and Annie Ilonzeh (General Hospital) as the titular trio of sexy crime-fighters with their own rap sheets to answer for. Lee appropriately referred to the series as “pure candy,” and, of course, made no mention of other networks’ recently failed attempts to remake iconic camp of the 70s, including NBC’s defunct Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, and the already dead-in-the-water David E. Kelley Wonder Woman pilot. Viewers, however, might keep such information handy.

To bookend NBC’s upcoming Grimm, ABC is offering the fantasy spectacle Once Upon a Time, starring House alum Jennifer Morrison as Anna Swan, a bail bonds collector who travels to the mysterious town of Storybrooke and discovers her possible connection to a fairy-tale existence, intricately weaved within the world as we know it. Ginnifer Goodwin (Big Love) and Robert Carlyle (The Full Monty, Trainspotting) co-star in this inventive drama from Lost executive producers Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz. If the inspired premise can be executed to the extent its potential promises, Once Upon A Time has hopes for a fairy-tale journey on ABC.

Adding to the crop of Mad Men replicas peppering the airwaves next season is ABC’s Pan Am, a soapy 60s drama set in the world of the pilots and flight attendants of Pan Am airline. Christina Ricci (Monster, Sleepy Hollow) co-stars in this, ahem, flighty series that looks to have a lighter, Catch Me If You Can-style spin on the time period.

Tim Allen arrived on stage to introduce his return to ABC and the traditional sitcom, but first declared how his relationship with the network can be summed up in eight words: “’Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh,’ and ‘To infinity and beyond!’” The comedian was referring to Tim Taylor, his character from the hit 90s series Home Improvement, and popular animated icon Buzz Lightyear from Disney’s megahit Toy Story franchise, respectively, but then delved into an unfortunate monologue describing the parallels between the female-centric executive branch of ABC and the household within his new series, Last Man Standing. Paired with the outrageously ill-advised Work It, a modern day Bosom Buddies retread (nope, not kidding), Last Man Standing focuses on Allen’s character as the only man in a family of women. His wife and daughters leave him predictably befuddled with the feminine mystique via, as far as the preview showed, stale jokes about the dense stupidity of men and anxious neuroticism of women. With the addition of Man Up, another cliché-ridden meditation on the infantilized state of modern men, ABC’s comedic chops look worse for the wear.

Luckily, things perked up with the trailers for Suburgatory and Good Christian Belles, two satirical looks at Stepford strife through the eyes of a female protagonist. Suburgatory tells the tale of a New York City teen (Jane Levy, whom Lee describes as a potential “breakout star”) who moves to the white picket fences of suburbia with her recently divorced dad (Jeremy Sisto, Clueless, Six Feet Under), only to find that cookie-cutter life outside the five boroughs is much more frightening. Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) co-stars as an eerily well-kempt neighbor.

G.C.B follows Leslie Bibb (Popular, Iron Man) as a former mean girl debutante who returns to her hometown outside Dallas and is forced to confront her past. The always-welcome Kristin Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies) plays Bibb’s high school nemesis who hasn’t changed a bit. Formerly titled Good Christian Bitches, the newly FCC-friendly Good Christian Belles has the makings of either a cleverly uproarious guilty pleasure, à la Desperate Housewives in its prime, or a ham-fisted caricature of privileged Bible Belters. The presence of Chenoweth, and Annie Potts (Designing Women) as a busybody matriarch, point G.C.B. toward southern-fried success, but viewers will have to wait until its midseason premiere to decide for themselves.

Rounding out ABC’s comedy lineup is Apartment 23, a tongue-in-cheek romp about a naïve Midwestern girl (Dreama Walker, The Good Wife, Gossip Girl) adjusting to New York City. Starring Krysten Ritter (Breaking Bad) as the roommate from hell and – ready? – James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek, duh) as a doucheified version of himself, need I say more?

Other January 2012 arrivals include Scandal, an hour-long drama starring Kerry Washington (Ray, Lakeview Terrace) as a Washington, DC lawyer who starts her own crisis management company. Her ties to the White House and resulting reputation precede her, but her crackpot team of “gladiators in suits” nevertheless helps mend the provocative predicaments of Capitol Hill dwellers eager to keep their secrets. Lost’s Henry Ian Cusick co-stars – welcome back, brotha! The Ashley Judd vehicle Missing boasts another politically-charged premise, but its thrills look to far outweigh its quirks. Judd plays an ex-CIA agent who goes rogue to look for her missing son in Europe. Let the Taken comparisons begin!

The final midseason entry in ABC’s lineup is The River, an intriguing suspense tale from executive producer Steven Spielberg and Oren Peli, the writer-director of Paranormal Activity. Bruce Greenwood (Star Trek, Thirteen Days) stars as Dr. Emmet Cole, a renowned explorer who goes missing on an expedition in the Amazon. His family’s earnest search is filmed documentary style by Cole’s ex-producer, and the show is mostly comprised of the “footage” obtained in the mission. With genuine scare tactics utilized in the trailer alone, The River positions itself as the first network series with legitimate ties to the horror genre. If the tension can transcend beyond one episode, viewers will likely be hooked.

Finally, the Hamptons soap Revenge follows Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp, Everwood, Brothers and Sisters) as she returns to Long Island to exact vengeance for a wrong made purposefully unclear. Described as “the most expensive zip code in the world,” the Hamptons serves as an appropriate backdrop for this snobs-with-secrets melodrama. Despite the welcome return of Madeleine Stowe (Last of the Mohicans, 12 Monkeys) as the key to Emily’s past, the soppy Revenge looks to only be taking the place of other series more deserving of a fall premiere.

Although the no-nonsense pace of the ABC Upfront helped the presentation clock in at barely an hour, Jimmy Kimmel’s appearance nonetheless helped shed some irreverent comic relief in a room full of stuffy suits. Not afraid to poke fun at his own network as well as its rivals, Kimmel brandished the audience with such gems as, “”Remember those shows that we [at ABC] were so excited about last fall? We canceled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem,” and, “NBC thanked God for The Voice … God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after Friends.” After endorsing Ashton Kutcher’s new gig at CBS’s Two and a Half Men, (“He did a great job replacing Bruce Willis,” he deadpanned), Kimmel touched on the unbridled ego of Donald Trump and the older demographic CBS tends to target. “FOX, ABC and NBC are all losing viewers to cable and the Internet. And CBS is losing them to natural causes … I hate to flood you with facts and statistics, but more people die watching CBS than any other network.”

With its diverse programming lineup for the 2011-2012 season that spans science fiction, comedic satire, traditional sitcoms, suspense, political intrigue, and soapy melodrama, it looks like ABC will have shows to offer viewers of every age.

What ABC shows sound most promising to you? Any obvious duds? Post your thoughts in the comment section below!

Want more? Check out ABC’s new show trailers here.

Images courtesy of ABC.

John is one of five “sharks”– a group made up of business tycoons who, through the show, seek out new investments. Entrepreneurs are sent into the shark tank with their business proposal and hope to win over at least one of the sharks.

The stakes are high on the show, especially considering the fact that the sharks use their own money for the investments. In an interview with Poptimal, John admitted that what happens after an offer is made to the entrepreneur is a “time consuming process.”

“The ratio of the companies that we actually close the deal with is about 25%,” he said. “Because we don’t know anything about these companies before we meet them and we go back and find out the details. You may find out that some of the companies are in trouble with [the] IRS and various other things so a small portion pulls us in.”

To date, John’s most successful investment has been One Sole – it’s one pair of shoes with several different tops that can snap on or off. “Nothing else yet” has been doing exceptionally well, he said, and “plenty of [businesses]” haven’t been doing as well as he’d hope, but that hasn’t slowed John down.

Shark Tank was recently renewed by ABC for a third season and will be returning in September with John. Prior to appearing on the show, John had written a book about his rise in the business world entitled “Display of Power.”  But once he became a part of the shark panel, John decided to write another book, this time hoping to help the very entrepreneurs who often appear before him.

That book became “The Brand Within” and John stresses the importance of personal branding using Apple as an example: “when you go and buy an Apple, you’re really buying Steve Jobs.”

“On the show, I noticed a lot of entrepreneurs – as they pitch – they don’t realize that we’re judging them as well, their personal brand, before we really look at the product they’re selling,” he said.

While the sharks may not always be the friendliest and oftentimes intimidate the entrepreneurs, John still finds it exciting to be on the show.

“It’s really infectious to be a part of their dream,” he said.

Shark Tank will return to ABC in the fall.

For more television reviews and interviews, click here.

Images courtesy of ABC and Adam Taylor.

ABC has released clips from their new show falls. Check them out below and leave your thoughts in the comment section.

New shows joining the lineup this fall are: Last Man Standing, Man Up, Suburgatory, Revenge, Charlie’s Angels, Once Upon A Time, and Pan Am.

More information and analysis will follow after the Network’s Upfront later today.

ABC’s fall primetime schedule is as follows (all times listed are Eastern); new shows are in bold:

MONDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “Dancing with the Stars”

10:00 p.m.                  “Castle”

 

TUESDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “Last Man Standing”

8:30 p.m.                    “Man Up”

9:00 p.m.                    “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”

10:00 p.m.                  “Body of Proof”

 

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “The Middle”

8:30 p.m.                    “Suburgatory”

9:00 p.m.                    “Modern Family”

9:30 p.m.                    “Happy Endings”

10:00 p.m.                  “Revenge”

 

THURSDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “Charlie’s Angels”

9:00 p.m.                    “Grey’s Anatomy”

10:00 p.m.                  “Private Practice”

FRIDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

10:00 p.m.                  “20/20”

 

SATURDAY:

8:00 p.m.                    “Saturday Night College Football”

 

SUNDAY:

7:00 p.m.                    “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8:00 p.m.                    “Once Upon a Time”

9:00 p.m.                    “Desperate Housewives”

10:00 p.m.                  “Pan Am”

Keshaunta Moton for Poptimal.com: Why did you decide to join Extreme Makeover?
Leigh Anne Tuohy: The show really meshes with our family. It’s amazing what they do. We got offered all kinds of reality TV shows to go on and this one really is what it is, they do what they say they do and they go in and make a difference to the community. When I was asked to be a part of it, I said, ‘absolutely.’ It is a great experience.

Poptimal: Did you watch the show before joining?
Tuohy: Yes, I did. I usually caught it every couple of weeks. Sunday night we’re all tied up, we go to all of Michael’s football games and the NFL’s on Sundays. That’s why we TiVo it.

Poptimal: You said you guys were offered a couple of reality shows, can you talk about those?
Tuohy: Secret Millionaire, Strictest Parent, you name them and they offered us to participate in them. Those just really weren’t in the wheelhouse of what we were doing or what we wanted to promote. We really tried to sit down and we need to corral, we knew that we can’t be all things to all people. We need to figure out where we’re going from here, what is going to be our platform we really want to make a difference in. It’s really in changing one life at a time and we feel like that’s what Extreme Makeover does.

Poptimal: As a person well known for, at the very least extreme generosity, how does it feel for you personally to be involved with the show?
Tuohy: Every episode I’m amazed at what we do. When I wake up I’m going, ‘I can’t wait to get out there and see what we do this day.’ It’s amazing. Even the people, the volunteers, that come to work on this, I feel like when they leave the show they are energized to go and make a difference. The show touches so many lives, we go in to do a house, we meet everybody on the street and we get to know the community. We always do a project in the community; it literally has a ripple effect. Not only do we end up helping just the family, we end up helping everything that’s surrounding and involved with them. The generosity level of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to me is always so much greater than what you see for that one hour on Sunday night.

Poptimal: And how does it feel for you to be involved with the families that you guys help?
Tuohy: That’s always life changing for me because there’s always a situation or incident that we’re trying to help the family with. It’s always so touching and so moving. I just want to adopt all of them. I leave there with all these new friends and the Christmas card list grows, and the birthday list grows because when I meet somebody I don’t let go of you easily. So, I really have all these new friends when I leave the set… they really become a part of who I am, and a part of my family.

Poptimal: Can you tell us about any particular family or story that has had a special significance to you?
Tuohy: The initial episode I did was the Williams family, a family in Georgia. He was a high school coach, and a lot of the NFL players that I do design work for participated in that show. He [Williams] had ALS, it’s a horrific disease, and he was a dad that played high school football, he played college football and to just see someone like that go down so quickly with ALS was really hard.

Poptimal: As well as the movie The Blind Side, your family’s story has been told in a book that you and your husband, Sean, wrote. What do you think needed to be told that viewers watching the movie might not get?
Tuohy: We got so much correspondence, thousands and thousands of letters, letters got sent to our colleges and our churches, e-mails and phone calls. People wanted to know how did you get your kids to be givers and how did you do this. In a Heartbeat is really a book about our history; all three of our kids write a chapter of the book themselves, SJ [Sean Jr.] wrote 100% of his chapter unassisted, by himself. Sandra Bullock has a chapter, Tim McGraw has a chapter. It’s really a look at who we are.

You can find out more about the families and designers as Extreme Makeover: Home Edition returns for its 8th season this Sunday, April 17th on ABC at 8/7c.

Photo courtesy of Bob D’Amico and ABC

Windell Middlebrooks plays Dr. Curtis Brumfield, the newly promoted Deputy Chief Medical Examiner. Middlebrooks, whom this writer last saw on the Disney sitcom, The Suite Life on Deck as ship security guard Kirby Morris, brings a unique amount of humor to two characters so vastly different.

“He’s just a pissy man,” Middlebrooks described Dr. Brumfield.

The actor goes on to explain how his character finds himself at a very challenging position being newly promoted into a more administrative role in the medical examiner’s office, now being labeled as the “money man.” A second perhaps even more interesting situation Dr. Brumfield is in is being sandwiched between two very alpha women in Delany’s Hunt and Jeri Ryan’s Dr. Kate Murphy, the Chief Medical Examiner.

“He’s stuck between two white women,” he said.

Brumfield must balance delivering to his boss and gaining respect from Hunt while maintaining his own authority as well. Middlebrooks goes as far as to explore the balance that his character must go through on a daily basis playing dual roles of administrator and doctor.

While preparing for the role, Middlebrooks and other cast members sat in on real autopsies, where they were able to absorb the atmosphere of what real medical examiners go through on a day-to-day basis. He described the experience as intense especially when they had to examine a young boy who had died.

“I had to step out and get into my own head space for a second,” he admitted.

According to Middlebrooks, the show attempts to bring the mood of the real life medical examiner’s office to the show. The actual laying out of clothes and how the bodies are handled are performed as accurately as possible. Also, filming Body of Proof completely in Providence, Rhode Island, gives it a more realistic feel.

Part of that atmosphere includes how the characters must deal with death as a part of their jobs.

“How do you deal with death on a daily basis?” he asked curiously.

Attempting to answer that question is what the actor believes makes his character, as well as all the characters on Body of Proof, interesting.

When asked what the most challenging part of being on this show has been, Middlebrooks quickly responded with learning the technical jargon.

“Why can’t I just say aspirin? Why do I have to say para-acetylaminophenol?” he asked humorously.

Despite all the seriousness the show brings on, Middlebrooks’ character is seen as the comedic element to shed some lighthearted moments to the storyline. This is evident in his verbal exchanges with Dr. Hunt and Dr Ethan Gross (Geoffrey Arend), the youngest doctor in the office and forensic pathology fellow.

Gross and Brumfield team together as funny, almost Cub Scout-like detectives as they find themselves going outside of the office to gather evidence and providing the much-needed comic relief.

Body of Proof just started as a mid-season replacement and only time will tell if this medical drama will stand the test of time and be renewed for a second season. But certainly Middlebrooks has had a great time in being able to flex his acting muscles and play a character who has to bring a lot to the table.

Body of Proof airs on ABC Tuesdays at 10/9c.

For more television reviews and interviews, click here.

The episode picks up right where it left off the previous week.  Arizona and Callie have been involved in a serious car accident.  As Arizona puts it, “I asked her to marry me and then this truck came out of nowhere.”  Not exactly true my stately friend.  I seem to remember Arizona being distracted, and she crashed into the rear of the truck, so how exactly did it come out of nowhere? Looks like you ran up on it to me.  Anywho, Callie is on the wrong side of the windshield, as she had momentarily taken off her seatbelt when the crash happened.  Buckle up people!  Callie is having an out of body experience, as she overlooks the scene, and her own body as it lies motionless on the car.  And then, she begins to sing.  One of the familiar, emo tunes frequently featured on the show.  Only it’s the Callie version.  Callie is played by actress Sara Ramirez, who has a decent voice, at best.  I don’t really want to hear it.  I don’t care if every member of the cast could have a second career on Broadway – I don’t want to hear it!  This is a drama, not a musical.  The entire concept was very corny and it seemed like a parody. 

Things worsened for Callie when she was finally transported back to Seattle Grace.  Not only was she dying, but now others were singing too.  Bailey sang.  Hunt sang.  Lexie and Alex even chimed in, and they were particularly horrible.  The unintentional comedy meter was broken during this episode.  I don’t watch Glee, but I’ve seen Fame before.  Singing works, when that’s the point of the show.  Singing works when your characters are…singers?  I don’t think singing works when your characters are doctors.  Moreover, with the exception of actor Kevin McKidd (Owen Hunt), none of them have a voice that should be heard outside of a shower!  There are some actors who can actually sing (i.e. Jamie Foxx) and some who can carry a little tune (i.e. Gwyneth Paltrow), but for the most part the cast of Grey’s Anatomy should stick to what they do best.

I also take issue with using an experimental concept like this to advance such a pivotal storyline.  Callie nearly died, and her baby was delivered early and is in very grave condition.  I would have rather had a more traditional episode that was less distracting.  My Twitter and Facebook timelines seemed to reflect a mixed opinion of the episode, but I know I was not the only one who disliked it.  I laughed out loud and almost found the show unwatchable.  Who would think I’d ever say that about Grey’s Anatomy??  I appreciate the creative attempt, but I do not think the end result was successful.  Maybe if all of them had good voices I would have liked it a little more.  Justin Chambers (Alex Karev), God bless his heart. He was really awful.

This episode was great for laughs, but not much else.  At least Callie and the baby are alive (for now).  If I had to sit through that awful singing and then they died at the end that would have been even worse.  Fail.

Season 7, Episode 18, “Song Beneath the Song” (original air date March 31, 2011.)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c.

Images courtesy of Ron Tom and ABC.

Let’s talk about the Dancing With the Stars theme song for a second. Whoever wrote this little instrumental number deserves some sort of songwriting award for “Cheesiest TV Theme Song of ALL TIME!” I thought getting Rebecca Black’s “Friday” out of my head was tough; this DWTS theme keeps me awake at night with it’s endless, repetitive, addicting beat. The worst thing about having this song in your head, is that it has NO WORDS!!! So you are going around singing “da da da da da da da – da da da da DA!”, and sounding like a complete tool. I wonder if Tommy has this song stuck in his head 24 hours a day. But I digress.

Tommy had such wonderful energy at the top of the show, that the audience clapped right over Brooke Burke and whatever the heck she was saying. That’s really a good thing though, since her main purpose is to stand there and look pretty in that black rubbery sparkly dress. Let us get right to the dancing …

1. Sugar Ray / Anna:

Although Sugar Ray was knocked down during the rehearsals, his Jive was much improved from last week’s dance. He called it his “rematch”. Let’s not get carried away here buddy. It was improved, but you’re not getting any dancing scholarships just yet. Judge Len Goodman started off extra-cranky tonight; telling the audience to “talk to the hand” when they booed his critique. Bruno told “Sugar” he looked like his feet were stuck in quicksand, and Carrie Ann said the facial expressions were great, but the footwork, not so much. Brooke Burke asked the couple her FAVORITE question after receiving their scores: “How does that feel?” Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

2. Kendra / Louis:

Hugh Hefner’s Playboy girl and her partner Brillo-pad head rehearsed turning Kendra into more “of a lady.” I shall now be mature and NOT make any jokes about the Playboy mansion, Hefner, or anything of that nature. Ahem. Kendra got emotional at the thought of people thinking of her as just some sexy plaything. “That’s not who I am.” Okay, well then who are you? Alf? Nell Carter? Soupy Sales? Silly me – I thought you were “famous” for being exactly those things. I must have misunderstood. Anyhoo … the couple’s Quickstep felt very stiff (again, not making any jokes here) and tight. (Get your head out of the gutter.) It came across as if she was forcing herself to smile, and trying a bit too hard. The judges felt she did improve and gave her scores as: 7/6/6. Brooke Burke asked pointlessly: “How does that feel?”

3. Chelsea / Mark:

Disney-girl Chelsea and her partner Mark danced the Jive, and decided to completely freak me out for life by dressing as creepy MIMES!!! Mark’s eye makeup alone was enough to give me nightmares for a year straight; and Chelsea’s ragdoll, giant painted on eyelashes made me feel frightened and unsafe. Once I got over looking at their weird faces, I thought the dance itself was pretty darn good, especially for week two. Great footwork, fast-paced, and super FUN! Carrie Ann disagreed and was incredibly harsh with her: “there is a time and a place for that, and I don’t think it’s right now.” Ummm … WHAT? It was a fun dance. They didn’t murder your entire family. A time and place for that? What an overdramatic, weird comment. Relax woman. Have some fun. Grouchy old man Len Goodman thought it was “too much messing about”, while Bruno seemed to be the only non-party-pooper of the bunch, and actually enjoyed the routine. Brooke Burke put a slight spin on her usual “How do you feel?” by asking: “How do you feel …. about the risk you took there?” Ooooohhhh Brooke. Sounds like someone else is taking a little risk too with THAT probing question. Good for you! Judges Scores: 6/5/7. (I thought these were too low.)

4. Chris / Cheryl:

The WWE Wrestler and his partner Cheryl Burke focused on trying to make the Quickstep as memorable and improved as possible. Chris is quickly becoming a favorite of mine in the competition. I know nothing about wrestling, but I love his funny personality (he is also pretty cute.) This works out because my husband is in love with Cheryl, so we can both root these two on together. Jericho said he is: “terrified of Cheryl. I don’t want her to yell at me!” Well, all that yelling worked, because this was one of the best dances of the night. Clean, quick, energetic, tight, fun, and fantastic footwork. Bruno Tonioli quipped: “I like a man who responds well to strict discipline!” while Horny Carrie Ann said she liked Jericho’s “bum placement.” Whatever you say lady. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

5. Petra / Dmitry:

The model and her pro-partner danced the Jive in some strange looking outfits that I didn’t quite get (yellow top with bright red shorts). The dance was fun, cute, with some moments of nice kicks and leg-action. Of course, if I had Petra’s long legs, any leg-action is a good thing. This dance, for me, fell into the middle of the pack. Didn’t stand out, but didn’t stink either. Judges Scores: 6/6/6. That’s about right.

6. Kirstie / Maks:

Actress Kirstie Alley (my personal favorite in the cast) talked during rehearsal footage of wanting to lose 40 more pounds, and about always being insecure about her weight. She said that she needs to get comfortable with herself and she never has been, whether she was 130 pounds or 250. Kirstie figured (out loud to the cameras of course – she isn’t stupid) that the only way for her to reach this goal and beyond – is for people to send her to the finals of this show. Yes, you tell ‘em Kirstie! Put it in their heads NOW that you need to go far in this competition. When Maks told her that this week’s dance alone will probably knock off a good amount of weight, Kirstie did her best Charlie Sheen impression by exclaiming: “WINNING!” Hilarious. The dance itself , although not quite as awesome as her opening dance last week, was still very good. She is magnetic to watch. I said it last week, but she looks so very genuinely happy to be up there, and that is fun to watch. At the end of the song, Alley planted a kiss on Maks that was spur of the moment and flirty. The judges enjoyed her performance, but were not quite as excited as last week. Tommy called Len “cranky”, and the judges scores were: 7/6/7. Cranky Len gave the 6.

7. Mike / Lacey:

During rehearsal footage, Mike vowed to his partner that he would do better than his low scores showed in week one. With his radio partner Dr. Drew there in the crowd to cheer him on, Mike delivered on the improvement part of his promise. I wouldn’t say this was a stand-out dance by any means, but it was better than last time, which was pretty bad. Lacey once again looked like she just crawled out of bed, all messy-haired and grunge-like. Judges Scores: 6/5/6.

8. Romeo / Chelsie:

It is already clear that this Romeo character, who I had never even heard of until this show introduced me, is mountains above his dad; Master P. His cocky personality, however, leaves something to be desired. The rehearsal footage consisted mostly of him finding reasons to remove his shirt, show off his muscles, and repeatedly ask Chelsie to touch his chest or feel his bicep. Who are you, The Situation? Stop it already. As for the dance, it was very nice. Smooth movement, great musicality. Horny Carrie Ann got moist under the table with excitement, Bruno announced that Romeo is “the one to watch!”, and even crankypants Len called it “the best dance of the night.” (I personally thought Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke had the dance of the night – but then again, my name’s not Bruno Tonioli. Thank God.) Judges Scores: 7/8/8.

9. Wendy / Tony:

During their practices, talk-show host Wendy Williams worries out loud to partner Tony about her big boobs getting in the way. That penis of hers is another story. (In case you missed it last week, Wendy is a man. I would bet money on it. Not being mean here – just a fact. Based on opinion.) The dance itself was quite scary and intimidating. Williams was wearing a strange light pink dress with her hair up in a very old-fashioned style, which made her look like Weezy Jefferson stuck inside of a Pepto bottle. Tony had on some sort of ridiculous brown vest and beret, which made absolutely no sense with what Wendy was wearing. The whole dance was a bit messy and pointless actually, and she moves as if she is in slow-motion. While getting judged, Wendy took her gigantic man-finger and brushed it across her teeth. I have no idea why (removing lipstick I guess), but it creeped me out. I think the judges would score her lower, but they are too afraid. Scores: 6/5/6.

10. Ralph / Karina:

Last week, I was too focused on The Karate Kid’s weird Alan Thicke, frozen-in-time face to comment on his bizarre, confused hairline. I apoligize for that, and promise to keep my mocking skills at their prime in the future. Macchio brought his kids in to watch rehearsal, in order to show what a fabulous daddy he is and make the audience love him as a family man by relating to him more. (It IS a reality show after all. Emotional manipulation is what they are best at.) Ralph and Karina danced the Jive, and it was once again a total blast. Great song choice, good rhythm. Len called it a bit “frenzied”, Bruno said that Macchio is very likeable, and Carrie Ann thought it needed to be sharper. Tommy then had one word for Len and his cranky ways: “Fiber.”  Judges Scores: 7/7/7.

11. Hines / Kym:

This couple danced The Quickstep with a lot of ease, smoothness, and great posture and frame. This was a terrific dance. Horny Carrie Ann made a weird noise like: “Sssss!”, then giggled like a schoolgirl. Bruno joined her. Len rolled his eyes, and Brooke Burke said, as if reading off a cue card: “Great job you two!” Wow. Convincing. Judges Scores: 8/7/8.

Elimination Show:

Bergeron and Burke began the results show by introducing a perfectly cheesy opening number performed by the pro-dancers. After that, we were treated to an hour of “filler” material to further delay and dramatically prolong the actual results of which “star” went home first. This entertainment included endless montages of the dancing pairs talking into the camera about their relationship, what it’s like to work together, and their chemistry. We also learned that Wendy Williams enjoys burping. That is really something I didn’t need to know. She/he demonstrated with a loud burp in video footage, just in case we didn’t believe her. What a lady.

Speaking of class, next up was a performance by Chris “I’m not violent!” Brown, which I didn’t pay attention to. In fact, my Mute button on the remote got a pretty good workout during this part of the program.

Finally,  the results were revealed. The bottom two couples were:

Sugar Ray and Anna / Mike and Lacey

After what I believe was the longest pause in TV history … Bergeron announced that the couple going home tonight is ……. Mike and Lacey. He softened the blow by informing them that they get to go on Jimmy Kimmel’s show tonight and meet Britney Spears! YAY!!! That makes everything better. Well Mike – good luck. We hardly knew ye. Brooke Burke left him with one last genius interview: “Well, we’ve had some good laughs. But seriously, all joking aside … ” Really? Where was the joke? There was no joke. You didn’t tell a joke. Actually, Mike left with a pretty good joke himself. When Bergeron asked him how it felt to be in the same group as other “sent home first” dancers as David Hasselhoff and Jeffrey Ross, Mike replied: “I feel like I am part of history. I am on the Mount Rushmore of terrible dancers.” Now THAT’s funny! But all joking aside Brooke ……

Did your favorite make it through? Will you miss Mike? (I didn’t even know who he was until this show.) Can you teach Brooke Burke what a joke is? Post your comments here!

Season 12, Episode 2 and 3 (originally aired March 28 and 29, 2011)

For more on Dancing With the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/6c, Tuesdays at 9/8c, on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey, and Rick Rowell.

Mark, Callie and Arizona continue their weird three-way arrangement.  This time Mark and Arizona are butting heads while trying to plan Callie’s baby shower.  Callie is totally geeked about it, but Arizona thinks it’s a miserable activity.  Mark is more excited about the shower and is really making an effort to be an active participant in Callie’s pregnancy, both as a parent and as best friend.  Arizona would be my least favorite character on the show, were it not for Dr. Starks.  She is snarky and bitchy, and always has a snide remark.  If she’s not angry at Mark for something, she’s whining to Callie.  Mark is genuinely a good guy.  Yes, he was resident playboy at Seattle Grace for a while.  But his heart is in the right place and he is trying to do right by his child.  Arizona should cut him some slack.  Mark is going to be in the picture forever, like it or not. 

The Chief’s wife is still being treated for potential Alzheimer’s disease.  Chief Webber would like for her to be in Derek’s trial, but Derek is reluctant to bend the rules to accommodate them.  For her part, Adele is resistant to the idea.  She’s in denial about her illness and eager to show everyone that she is normal and healthy.  A spot opens up when a patient drops out of the trial, but first she must meet the criteria for the trial by passing a test.  Ultimately, she narrowly misses being eligible for the trial, but it’s clear that she has some deficits.  In an oddly humorous but touching scene, Adele breaks down with frustration at the inevitable reality of her illness.  She laments that she and Richard are finally happy again, and now this happens. The timing couldn’t be worse, and she tearfully pleads with Meredith to tell her that she’s okay.  This was a powerful scene but I laughed a little bit. I love Loretta Devine, but for all of her croaking I don’t think I saw a single tear roll down those cheeks. Good scene anyway!

Webber really has his hands full.  He has to select the next Chief Resident, tend to his wife, and to top it off he and Bailey have a diabetic patient in dire straits.  If they don’t get FDA approval for an experimental procedure to save her life, she will surely die.  Eli has been the patient’s nurse and is familiar with her history.  When the woman’s husband expresses frustration with Bailey about her care, Eli intervenes and smoothes things over.  That was a good thing, but he oversteps his bounds shortly thereafter.  As Bailey apprises the patient’s husband of the experimental procedure they want to perform, Eli butts in before she can finish.  He undermined her authority and made it seem as if she were being deceptive.  They keep their cool in front of the patient, but later on Bailey tries to check him on his behavior. At the end of the day, they can’t get FDA approval for the surgery in time, so Webber rolls the dice and performs it anyway.  Fortunately, it was a success. 

Although there were a lot of tense moments in the last episode, there was still love in the air for a few folks.  Lexie and Jackson can’t keep their hands off each other, and Lucy (gasp) actually makes the move on Alex, after shutting him down repeatedly.

As a peace offering for having to endure the baby shower, Callie takes Arizona away for the weekend to a bed and breakfast.  On the way there, Callie gets a call from Mark and Arizona chimes in with her usual bullcrap.  Finally Callie tells it like it is: Arizona is jealous of Mark.  Callie asks her what else she wants her to do about the situation, and Arizona says: marry me.  While this scene transpires, Arizona constantly looks between Callie and the road in front of her.  I start yelling at the TV: “pay attention to the road!”  It only takes a second to be distracted while driving; this scene could have been handled in a  much more realistic manner.  The scene came off like a soap opera cliffhanger, it was laughable, predictable, and poorly executed.  I think it would be cheesy to have Callie seriously injured or killed off in a car accident at this point.  Overall, this scene was not well done and doesn’t fit, like O’Malley’s deadly accident a few seasons ago – which, unfortunately, worked much better than this one.  Still, I look forward to seeing where this goes next week.

Best of the episode: The other docs teasing April about Stark’s romantic interest

Worst of the episode: The final scene.

What to look for next: What happens to Callie??

Season 7, Episode 17:  “This Is How We Do It” (original air date March 24, 2011)

Grey’s Anatomy airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Ron Tom and ABC.

We open in Cape Town, South Africa, where Brad dresses and readies himself for a visit from his loved ones. “I am so ready to move forward,” he says, adding that his family will advise him well, as they know exactly the type of woman he wants to be with. Why didn’t you save yourself the trouble and have them select your bride ten episodes ago, buddy? From the looks of it, he’s been separated from his mother and two brothers for eons, as he can’t stop crying when they arrive. He walks off a couple times to regain his composure, which is actually kind of endearing. I hope Brad’s future wife reminds him of this moment whenever she’s violently chastised for exhibiting unseemly human emotions in his presence. This is the first time we see Brad as a human being with actual biological roots. His twin brother Chad and little brother Wes, along with their wives, accompany Mom in a shaded outdoor nook to await the arrival of the bachelor’s lovely ladies. Brad lets us know the two women “know everything there is to know about [him]…every single thing,” rendering the prospect of a lifetime of companionship pretty anticlimactic, if you ask me. He adds that he can’t wait to “introduce [his] family to the two women [he] very well may propose to.” Well, I certainly wouldn’t recommend proposing to two women, but I’m not the one with the tough decision to make.

Chantal shows up first, visibly excited to meet the future in-laws. She’s a bundle of nervous energy, and she’s concerned about being received well by those who know Brad better than anyone else. If I were her, I’d be more worried about the fact that my future husband hasn’t taken the time to learn the correct pronunciation of my name. He alternates between referring to her as “Shawn-tall” and “Shan-tell” depending on his mood, but she seems not to care or even notice. Chantal is blinded by the thick haze of desperation surrounding her at all times. She reveals to the Womack clan that she fell in love with Brad once and for all in Costa Rica, on that fateful evening which drove them inside to escape the rain. That single event is the absolute definitive centerpiece of the relationship between Brad and Chantal; truly, there is no mysterious realm of their romance beyond that which has already been revealed by the cameras. Let us not think that whatever was left on the cutting room floor might help further explain why Chantal is so confident in her decision to hang all of her hopes on this man. On this bright afternoon in South Africa, she tells his family that she would be willing to marry him now, on the spot, were he to ask, and they seem to find her eagerness reassuring. The men see her as outgoing, energetic, and fun.

Brad’s mom asks Chantal how she fell in love so quickly, and Chantal answers by stating that she came into the experience with an open heart and knew very early on that Brad was the right person based on the fact that he was everything she happened to be looking for. It was easy to fall in love at that point, because he turned out to be the perfect man for her. Brad’s mom says that Chantal almost took the words right out of Brad’s mouth, which means that they both hoped to find people who were right for them. I can’t believe the odds of two such peculiar people just happening to find one another. Mom thinks Chantal is “precious” and “a catch,” which is sort of a diplomatic way of saying that she’s not quite good enough for her little boy.

Emily gets a chance to make an impression of her own once Chantal has left the premises. I can’t tell if these visits were conducted back-to-back or if this one was filmed on a separate day. Em is nervous about discussing her personal history with the family, and they immediately notice that she’s a lot more “mature” and “composed” than Chantal, in the words of the opinionated Brother Wes. Her presentation is stiff, as per usual, and the tale of ex-fiance Ricky’s demise and the birth of her daughter comes out awkwardly and begrudgingly with some help from Brad. She unconvincingly tells Chad and Wes that she would marry Brad and move to Austin “in a heartbeat.” (Let’s keep this statement in mind for later, folks.) She voices her alleged excitement over the prospect of giving little Ricki a new father, saying that she hasn’t felt these feelings in a very long time and is thrilled for their future. Despite the clinical, dispassionate tone she employs while assuring the family that “any girl would be lucky to have Brad,” Emily is well-received and adored almost immediately. I have to admit that she’d make the perfect trophy fiance on the talk show circuit, and I guess that’s all she’s obligated to be.

Thus far, Brad’s family has served no purpose but to say generally nice things about each of the women, but now it’s time they offer some candid advice. The sisters-in-law point out that Chantal will be fun to hang with, an ideal “wine and sushi” companion, while Emily would immediately vibe with them, since they’re all mothers. How that’s supposed to inform Brad’s decision making process is a mystery to me, but I’m glad they got a free trip to South Africa for their efforts. Mom thinks Emily is the one, and Chad refers to her as “poised,” but “not shy.” he’s got a point. There’s no real way to ever tell what Emily’s intentions are, since she takes such great care to wrap every thought, instinct, and feeling in a tidy little package before presenting it. Her aristocratic tendencies are wearing thin, but Brad’s family settles on her as the only sensible choice, which either speaks volumes for her or says a lot about Chantal.

Now is the time for Brad’s very last date with the ill-fated Chantal, who bounces up and leaps into his arms with all of the unbridled impetuosity of a new puppy. She has no idea that the bachelor has already made up his mind, nor is she aware that nothing she can do on this date will be enough to alter his decision. Brad reveals in a voiceover that he’s all but eliminated Chantal from the running but would like to spend one more day with her, anyhow. “Hopefully, she can show me why she’s the one,” he intones. I know this formality is unavoidable, but give the poor girl a break. The pair is riding around on a boat when Brad spots sharks. Because we are familiar with this show, we know they’ll soon be diving into the water to swim with the sharks. When Chantal is finally clued in, she whines and pleads, “No no no, whyyy?” in a futile cry for mercy from the soulless powers that be. Soon, she’s suiting up and dropping herself into a shark tank to prove her love to a man who has already ruled her out. When the afternoon adventure has concluded, Chantal reminds Brad of her willingness to do anything for him, under any circumstance, even as he phones it in and sits daydreaming about Emily. This woman is trying so hard that she makes Ashley H. look like James Dean by comparison.

Later on, Brad and Chantal sit in a hotel room and discuss their relationship. Chantal’s voiceover says, “I can’t be tough, because if I’m tough, then I’m not being open with him.” My heart breaks, and I wish I could reach through the screen and shake some sense into this sad, delusional woman. She gives Brad a handmade map that shows all the locations they’ve visited in their long history as a couple. “I’ve never traveled the world for any guy before,” she tells us. I suppose it’s a bit easier when a major television network is footing the bill and literally mandating that you board the plane. Brad reads aloud a letter that Chantal wrote him detailing her feelings and her willingness to give everything up for a chance at a lifetime of love and adventure. Brad tells the camera that he can learn lessons from Chantal on how to be more expressive and vulnerable. It’s good to know he’s taking mental notes that he’ll later be able to apply to Emily. As he leaves the suite, Chantal moans that she’ll be “absolutely crushed” if he doesn’t pick her. At least she’s aware that it’s a possible outcome of this experience, right?

At last, Brad is awarded for his patience with a day in Emily’s presence. Outside, on some empty stretch of road in Cape Town, she slowly saunters up to greet her man, almost as if it matters not whether she will ever reach his open arms. She tells us that she’s “absolutely falling in love again and [is] with somebody that [she] could spend the rest of [her] life with.” Really, Emily? Her noncommittal attitude seems to indicate resigned indifference or self-assured certainty. Either way, she’s not in it to win it anymore. Brad and Em sit down somewhere still, tranquil, and shark-free to have a calm discussion about his willingness to be a father. I don’t notice any sort of date activity going on here. Emily won’t stop asking him if he’s ready to deal with a five year-old child. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was trying to ward him off as a last resort, and I don’t know any better, as it turns out. For all I know, this entire game was about Emily’s attempt at becoming the next bachelorette, and now she’s starting to realize that she shouldn’t have been so convincing as to actually hook the guy.

Later on, Brad enters a hotel suite to talk to Emily one last time before the final event. He walks into the room while the voiceover tells us he’s got a lot to talk about with Emily tonight, and he wants to reassure her of his feelings once and for all. Contrast that statement with the fact that he forced Chantal to jump through hoops all day in a pitiful and ultimately meaningless display of her own worthiness as a mate. Brad tells Emily that his only goal is to convince her that he’s ready and willing to be a real dad to Ricki right now, and he only needs her approval. He wants to be Ricki’s real father, as opposed to a stepfather. He wants Emily to give him a chance to prove it. Wow. I wonder who he’ll pop the question to at the end of the episode. The suspense is killing me. Emily, yet again, grills Brad about his level of preparedness, telling him that parenthood is essentially a nightmare into which no sensible adult would venture freely. She dreams up worst-case scenarios to pitch in a feverish attempt to turn him off to the whole idea. What if Ricki busted her head on a swing set and had to go to the emergency room? What if she’s sick in the middle of the night and needs help? This bit is painful to watch, since Brad is having a conversation with a woman he wants to propose to while Emily is appearing in a scene on a TV show. Em challenges his every effort to sell himself as a capable father with a slight smirk and coldly detached recitations of the script running through her pretty head. Meanwhile, Chantal sits in the next room drafting her wedding vows, embroidering bath towels, and periodically dashing off to the bathroom to nurse the shark bites on her arms.

Can we just hear Emily drawl “Ah dew” and be done with it? The ABC cameras conveniently catch Brad and the women waking up from a deep slumber and gazing out of their respective windows on the morning of the proposal. Chantal dresses herself appropriately in a long black gown, while Emily is practically wearing a wedding dress. Chris Harrison’s only function during this episode is to hand each woman off to Brad to receive the news. Of course, Chantal is up first, and Brad starts off by telling her she’s a great gal and all before saying, “Here’s where it gets tough” and causing her face to fall in an instant. “I don’t know how else to say it except I have stronger feelings for someone else.” There’s no need to speak in code, Brad; I’m sure she might have a clue as to the identity of the other woman. Chantal looks as if she might vomit any second. She’s completely bowled over and had not prepared herself for this possibility. “It just sucks, because I felt so strongly,” she says through her tears. Here it is. It’s the moment we’ve actually been waiting for. It’s really quite exciting- a real, live human heart breaking on national TV. Brad walks Chantal out, but not before asking her to make nice with him and asking for the third time if she’s okay. Chantal saves her most dramatic bout of sobbing for the interior of the limo, where she admits that she feels stupid for not seeing earlier that Brad did not share her feelings. What a pleasant shock it will be to this woman, who recently left a long-term relationship and doomed marriage before spending time with the epic bonehead Brad Womack, that some men are actually full of personality and quite worth dating. I think she’ll be just fine.

And now, at long last, it’s the inevitable moment we’ve all been sort of vaguely anticipating despite the utter lack of tension leading up to it. Brad stands before Emily and stutters through a prepared speech consisting of the phrases “leap of faith,” “ups and downs,” “you’re the one,” “you’re my once-in-a-lifetime,” “i am truly in love with you,” and “please give me your forever.” Emily is frozen and ill at ease as she mutters, “I would love that; I would love to” in response to Brad’s marriage proposal as if he had just asked her on a coffee date after accidentally stepping on her toe while playfully walking backwards in a grocery store during the second scene of a romantic comedy. Her eyes dart to and fro as she subtly plans her escape route. Brad whines that he’s been waiting for this moment for the past 38 years, which is roughly the same amount of time it took me to make it through this episode.

*After the Final Rose: Reunion Special*

Immediately following “one of the most emotional finales in Bachelor history,” according to host Chris Harrison, we’re treated to a glimpse of our new fantasy couple and a whole host of video clips from the season we just watched but have already forgotten about. Here are some of the highlights from what actually turned out to be a relatively entertaining affair:

• Chantal looks gorgeous and refreshed after the whole experience. She joins Chris onstage to talk about being strong and open to heartbreak instead of having regrets. She says that “everything happens for a reason.” That’s quite a fresh take on things; I hope the philosophy catches on.

• As soon as Brad enters, Chantal starts to quiz him about what went wrong, the moment at which he knew that she wasn’t right for him. Brad admits that he knew Emily was “the one” very early on, and he basically kept Chantal around just out of contractual obligation. Chantal cries and lets Brad comfort her. She’s understandably upset that Brad is so easily able to dismiss the chemistry they shared on the show when she went so far as to humiliate herself in every single episode for the sake of an improbable outcome.

• It’s officially revealed that Chantal is dating someone new and is quite happy in the relationship. Brad uses this fact to get himself off the hook for essentially telling Chantal that she never had a prayer.

• Brad confides in Chris that he and Emily have already broken up at least once and that their young romance is on the rocks. At one point, he asks in a panic if Emily is coming onstage to dump him, à la Jason Mesnick, when Chris announces her impending arrival.

• Emily appears resentful about having to be present at all, though she’s all too pleased to share with the world that she and Brad have had their share of rough terrain already, due partly to the fact that Emily had to watch Brad pay attention to other women on TV every Monday night with the rest of the country. Apparently, Emily would view an episode, think it was the perfect excuse to finally bow out for good, and call Brad to start a fight. Brad seems like he’s at the end of his rope. He looks as unhappy as any man can be.

• Emily says that she’s not ready to get married right now, and she’s certainly not ready to uproot her daughter and haul off to Austin. The audience gasps and boos as if Emily just murdered Brad in cold blood using only her bare hands.

• It becomes tragically apparent that this wedding will never happen. Brad, for some reason, allows Emily to reveal that he has a terrible and intimidating temper which his family calls “the bear.” Brad comes just short of admitting that domestic violence is his most beloved hobby, and in so doing, alienates the 99.998% of the audience which is made up of females. An entire season of hard work toward redemption and rehabilitation is thus undone in a few short moments. It was worth a shot, anyhow.

The next season of The Bachelorette premieres on May 23rd. Godspeed to anyone who chooses to watch.

Season 15, Episode 10 (original airdate March 14, 2011.)

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Mark Wessels and ABC.

Many of the former contestants are in attendance, but I’d be hard-pressed to report who’s missing, as I only vaguely recognize most of the faces in the lineup. We begin with a pre-taped segment showcasing one of those enlightening discussions between Chris and Bachelor Brad that we’ve all come to cherish; Brad says some stuff about the ladies he cast off, and Chris pensively nods and smiles. Next, we’re treated to what I think may be a promotional piece for the second season of The Bachelor Pad, though it may have been a recap of the first. I don’t know, because I couldn’t be persuaded to watch the show if my very life depended on it. In it, a bunch of former Bachelor and Bachelorette cast members gather in a house to drink, hook up, and splash around in hot tubs while calling each other derogatory names, all in an effort to postpone the long, dark phase of self-loathing scheduled to commence promptly at 00:15:01 on the fame clock.

Chris introduces all of the ladies one-by-one, and for some, it will be the last time they’re heard from during this episode. Many of the women appear older and a bit wiser, as if they’ve learned from their trying experience on the show and are now ready to move forward with renewed dignity and resolve as they search for romance and personal fulfillment away from the cameras. Of course, that’s not the case, as they’ll aptly demonstrate in a few moments, but they all look great. Ashley H. has undergone the most dramatic makeover of them all; she’s now a sultry brunette with voluminous waves, bold red lipstick, and a dark tan that says, “I’m, like, so over Brad in a major way.” She grits her teeth and waves enthusiastically as she tries remember what she learned at the motivational seminar she attended right before the taping. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

Next, we’re treated to a montage of Michelle and her crazy shenanigans during her time at the Bachelor mansion. By now, it’s been about four months since the filming of the finale, but these women have not forgotten how profoundly Michelle wounded them with her harmless insults and playful showmanship. They compete to voice their feelings of hurt and betrayal upon learning that the entertaining reality show personality was “two-faced” and not really there to make friends but to win the game instead. Jackie calls her a “spider,” because she’s “creepy” and people are scared of her, prompting Michelle to cry. Chris calls Michelle over to the “hot seat” next to him so that she can defend herself against the attack.

It quickly becomes apparent  that this single mother’s only crime was playing the game too hard in her effort to secure a husband. Through her sobs, Michelle is able to insist that she was always “there for the right reasons” and not at all actually vindictive or ill-intentioned toward her competitors. She emphasizes that her “dry, sarcastic humor” is only a “defense mechanism,” that she’s unusually vulnerable and needed to protect herself in a stressful situation. I’m inclined to believe her. Chris Harrison, after having shown several clips of her acting unstable to orchestrate an ambush, asks Michelle why she’s so emotional right now. This is the most human moment of the evening; Michelle continues to cry as Stacey essentially calls her a bad mom, and Chris defends her by shutting the women up. Jackie won’t stop whining, challenging Brad’s attraction to Michelle because she still can’t come to terms with her own failure to seduce him. Chris calls her out on her jealousy, and the crowd applauds. The compassionate host offers that at least Michelle made for some good TV, and Alli and Britt agree. Michelle’s personal shortcomings and self-consciously desperate grabs for attention and love really added excitement to their Monday nights, they admit. Displaying maturity and soundness of mind, Michelle announces her support for Brad and Emily as a couple, saying that he needs someone “soft.” It’s an apt observation, to be sure.

The chronically unlucky-in-love Ashley S. is up next in the hot seat, and she’s still not over her experience on the show. Watching her cry upon viewing the clip of her elimination and self-pitying exit interview, Chris asks Ashley to expound on her tragic inability to maintain a successful relationship no matter how hard she tries. The brokenhearted southerner complains that her relationships always end in infidelity on the man’s part or devolve into chaos and disappointment after a promising start. She doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong or how she can ever hope to find lasting romance. Hearing from Brad that she wouldn’t make a good wife to him “was like a dagger to my heart,” she says. This show is the Saw franchise reworked for a female demographic. It’s emotional torture porn. Chris Harrison hasn’t had this much fun in years; to him, each of Ashley’s despondent sighs is the lovely sound of another advertising dollar landing on the stack. Ashley wants Brad to hurry up and come onstage so that she can get “closure” and ask him what would make her a better potential wife. I’m guessing his answer will have something to do with Xanax and a muzzle.

It’s time for the recently made-over Ashley H. to rock her new look from the hot seat. Her video clips illustration the “great connek-shuuun” she shared with Brad before she screwed it all up with her insecurity and stubborn unwillingness to abandon a career in dentistry for a paid position as a barefoot and silent baby machine. Ashley wonders aloud if she could have done anything differently in order to convince Brad to give her a shot, and Chris asks her to admit that she single-handedly “ruined the relationship.” Ashley does everything short of beg for another carnival date with the now-engaged bachelor, even as she insists on her new-and-improved status as a brunette who’s looking to date and explore new opportunities. Chris asks her if she was in love with Brad, but instead of letting her answer, he says, “I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.” Ashley concedes to that fact and jokes that she wants Brad back. I will admit that Ashley comes off a bit goofier, more fun, and more interesting in this scene than she ever did on the show, so I can see why the bachelor kept her around for so long.

Finally, Brad himself emerges to greet the women and face the music. He must first answer to Ashley S., who asks him why he let her go. Brad anemically answers that he was developing stronger feelings for the other women and had to cut her loose. What else can the man say? He then defends Michelle, calling her “confident and funny,” and Ashley H. apologizes profusely for wasting their time together with worries about the relationship. When he’s done reciting the sensitive and diplomatic script penned by his publicist, Brad grants Ashley H. one last hug before forgetting her forever.

Chris and Brad talk a bit about South Africa as a segue into a taped segment showcasing their visit to The Henna School, to which ABC made a kind donation of hot water. Following some clips of the two men playing soccer and skipping around with the African preschoolers, Chris asks us to log on to the Bachelor website to find out more about what ABC did for the children. I care less about the network’s charitable activities than I do about the school itself. Chris adds that visitors to the site can learn about the ways in which they can donate their own resources to address the problem of education in the impoverished region.

Answering the question on all of our minds, Brad announces that he’s presently happier than ever in his life and falling more and more in love with his new fiance with each passing day. My sincere hope is that when this whole thing is said and done, this lunkhead’s experiments in romance will never again concern us as members of the television-viewing public. Chris chuckles that he’s not signing up for round three of the Bachelor Brad experiment, so this had better be the real deal. Only insofar as Brad is able to predict his own future without the support of a production crew and the rapt attention of a gullible audience can he be trusted to provide us with the reassurance we require. Very, very soon, Brad’s face will be but a shadow, an image faded beyond all recognition. It will hide in the remotest corner of our collective consciousness like a discarded childhood toy. I promise, we will reach that day together; it’s straight ahead, on the horizon from which we mustn’t avert our hopeful gaze.

NEXT WEEK: Brad brings his family to South Africa to witness him dash the dreams of an unsuspecting, lovesick woman with shiny brown hair and animatronic parents.

Season 15, Episode 9 (original airdate March 7, 2011.)

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Images courtesy of Rick Rowell and ABC.

Brad describes his thoughts about the three remaining contestants. He claims to have a “very strong connection with each of these women.” With Chantal, there’s almost perfect physical chemistry, and she makes him feel at ease, but she’s too emotional. Ashley has so much to offer; the spark is “almost like magic,” and he’s so comfortable around her, but she’s too insecure. Emily is “truly sweet,” and Brad can be himself around her, but she’s got intimidating emotional baggage. Based on such wildly different observations on the women, I can see why Brad is having an impossible time making a decision.

Finally rolling in for his last adventure before leaving as one half of an engaged couple, Brad scoops Chantal up for a safari ride in a flimsy Jeep. This is the most romantic location by far. My compliments to the production staff on their elaborate and painstaking recreation of South Africa. Not for one second do I believe that Brad and Chantal are just three feet away from those lounging lions as they squeal and point delightedly from the vehicle. If I convince myself that these wildlife scenes were filmed at the LA Zoo and edited in later, I can avoid the intense pang of jealousy nagging at me as I watch. Chantal shows off how poetic and sexily anarchistic she can be by pointing at a giraffe and saying, “It’s gorgeous, but in a weird way, like, you know what I mean?” Oh, Chantal. Only Brad really really gets you.

The juxtaposition of this synthetic and commercial reality show couple with the astonishing natural beauty and timeless wonder of the South African terrain really puts everything into perspective. Chantal tells the camera that she felt safe around the dangerous animals, because she trusted Brad to protect her, just as she trusts his feelings for her. Yes, Chantal, I’m sure the entire country of South Africa would be pleased to know that you’ve reduced it to a “metaphor for what’s going on in [your] relationship” with Bachelor Brad. Chantal offers that she’s undeniably in love with Brad, since she wants to be selfless and “put him first.” Dear, I advise holding off on putting him first until after you’ve found out your own ranking on his list.

It’s time for the first overnight date invitation during dinner. Since Chantal has seen this show before, she’s expecting the fantasy suite card from Chris Harrison, and she accepts unequivocally almost before it’s offered. Brad makes a sobering speech about how the two of them have “been through good times and bad times together.” I look back at the Dickensian melodrama of international travel and excess that they’ve survived as a couple and silently nod in tribute to their resilience. Remember that time it started raining on their outdoor feast, and they were forced to drink wine inside? That’s the stuff of a lasting marriage, the sturdy foundation upon which a lifelong commitment is guaranteed to thrive. Chantal tells Brad that she would never, ever get engaged without being sure that it would end in a marriage, thereby effectively securing her spot in second place before joining Brad in a beautiful tree house in the middle of the African plain. “What happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite,” she says to the camera.

The next morning, Emily’s ready for her absolute dream date of being picked up by Brad on the back of an elephant. Displaying more personality than she ever has before, Emily lights up and gushes, “This feels like The Lion King, but better!” Wait. You mean to tell me that the actual continent of Africa is even better than Disney’s animated rendering of it? After their elephant ride, Brad talks at length about Ricki, the little girl he’ll be abandoning in a few months when he cuts off his engagement with her mommy. Emily asks him to reassure her that he’s ready for a five year-old girl in his life. Brad insists that he is, claiming he’ll make “every single effort” to ensure that Ricki will be right next to them during “every minute” they spend together. That sounds hot! It’s the perfect recipe for romance. That poor little girl has no idea that the guy who once flew a kite with her for a few minutes on camera is going to be her new dad for several weeks. I’m sure it’s not a big deal. Kids always bounce back.

Over dinner, Brad is visibly nervous, as he typically is around Emily. He admits that he has many unanswered questions. Emily tells the camera that she is “absolutely falling in love with him” and wants to tell Brad about her feelings. Since she left her walls up for so long, she’s a bit behind in the love department. Emily had better thank her stars that Chantal removed herself from the game when she made the tragic mistake of linking a public, network-sponsored engagement to real-life marriage. Emily tells Brad that she and Ricki have been “waiting for a long time” for a new man in the house. I can see why Brad’s intimidated by her. He’s their last remaining hope. Emily opens the fantasy suite invitation and responds by saying that she has a little girl for whom she’d like to set a good example, so retiring to bed with Brad at this point may not be a good idea. She continues hesitantly that she’d like to come to the room anyway, just to talk. Brad smiles and winks knowingly.

Back at the suite, Emily admits to Brad that she’s falling in love with him, and he breaks the rules by responding that he’s also falling in love. Emily’s