Walgreens Prescription Savings Club

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Walgreens for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

My strength is that I am open and honest with my readers and Jone Dome podcast listeners.  Whether it is reviewing a movie or TV show, or hating on Kanye West & Kim Khardashian.  My tweets are replete with disdain for celebrities pushing a bunch a useless crap on those “As Seen On TV” type ads that they don’t even use.  I would be a hypocrite to do the same.

That is why I was so surprised the “powers at be” asked me to write this article.  What do I say?  What the hell is the  Walgreens Prescription Savings Club  and why do I care?  After some investigation I found out that what it is is a great deal.  Essentially, for a very little annual cost you can get big savings for the entire family.  *Rip . . . Rip* That’s the sound of me tearing up my CVS Card. 

Here is what I learned.

What is the Prescription Savings Club?

The Prescription Savings Club is for those people that lack or have insufficient drug coverage, then join our 2 million members for discount pricing on your medications.  The membership is risk free and better yet, if don’t save more than the cost of your membership during the course of the year of your membership, the Walgreens will refund the difference.

What is the cost?

For a limited time, Walgreens is offering a special discount on annual membership.  For $10 a year, a family membership covers everyone in your immediate family, including a spouse, dependents 22 and younger and pets. Individuals may join for $5.

Is this a good deal?

In short, I think so because you get the following benefits without much downside:

• discount prices on your prescriptions.
• Savings on more than 8,000 brand-name and all generic medications
• Discounts on flu shots, pet prescriptions, nebulizers and diabetic supplies
• Bonuses when you purchase Walgreens brand products and photofinishing services

To find out more about the Prescription Savings Club and this special discount, be sure to visit their website at Walgreens Prescription Savings Club, like Walgreens on Facebook, and follow Walgreens on Twitter.

Review: It’s Baaaack! The Schmaltz! The Drama! The Auditions! THIS…is American Idol!

… and we’re back! It’s season 11 on our favorite cheesefest reality TV contest and the gang is still here and ready to roll!  Yup. It’s time for J.Lo and her endless supply of ridiculous outfits. Time for Steven Tyler and his pervy, nonsense, hilarious comments. Time for Randy “I’m no longer relevant” Jackson to keep reminding us of all the huge musicians and celebrities that he has worked with. Time for the ever-annoying and obnoxious Seacrest to put in that hair gel, spray on that self-tanning crud, and cake up that face with orange foundation. That’s right folks . . . it is time for the crazy, wacky, fun ride that we like to call American Idol. Cue up that theme music. Dim the lights. Let’s go!

On Week One of Season 11, we find ourselves at auditions in two cities: Savannah, Georgia, and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The show begins with its usual self-serving montage of people all over the world opining on the importance and relevance of American Idol, saying things like: “THIS was the original show; this is the one that matters!” Next up, the judges introduce themselves to the TV audience; J.Lo says that Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson are her “family now.” Yes, now that you’ve finally gotten rid of that pointless ragamuffin husband of yours. Good riddance!

As the judges took their seats to begin hearing the auditions, it was obvious within the first few minutes that this would indeed be another lollipops and rainbows season for Idol. The first two episodes showed absolutely zero signs of focusing on the strange, untalented, or overdramatic. In fact, there was almost no drama at all in the opening week. Instead, it was all about the talent. And while there was a LOT of incredible talent, for me, the fun of the auditions  was always seeing the really bad people showcased and then watching the judges’ reactions to them. There was literally NONE of that. It made me really miss Simon Cowell, even two seasons later. Just like last year, they are a new “kinder, gentler” version of the show. Here are some of the most memorable auditions from Week One:

SAVANNA, GEORGIA:

*David Leathers, Jr: a 17 year old kid who honestly looked like he was 10, and sounded very much like a young Michael Jackson from The Jackson 5. What really made me love him, though, is that he was in some local competition years ago with past winner Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McDreary. Country Boy Scotty “Tool on a Stool” came in 2nd, and David won the competition! He also got the very first Golden Ticket to Hollywood.

*Gabi Carrubba: this girl from Connecticutt has been “waiting to audition for the show MY WHOLE LIFE!” How old is she? 16. Oh, you poor thing. Your whole life . . . sigh. Despite this annoying statement, she had a really soulful, sweet sounding vocal and got through to Hollywood.  

*Shawn Keisman: Did not make it through to the next round, but impressed the judges with his very good impression of Ryan Seacrest. He also happens to resemble Seacrest, which makes him twice the amount of irritating. I will bet anyone reading this $100 that we will absolutely see him on the finale; coming out as Seacrest in some lame-ass, unfunny bit. Seriously, just give me $100.

*Shannon Magrane: this 15 year old attractive girl’s audition marked the first of many pervy comments by Steven Tyler. After inviting Shannon’s entire family in to watch as she sang her song, we found out that her father was a star himself. He pitched for the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. After the audition, Tyler purred at the dad: “Mmmmhmm, hot, humid, and happening – just like your daughter!” Ayooooohhh! Awkward silence. Thankfully, Shannon had a beautiful voice and got through to Hollywood. She might want to take her daddy with her so pervy Tyler keeps his manhands off.

*Amy Brumfield:  Homeless girl who lives in a tent in the woods with her boyfriend, and is unemployed. Duh. Very pretty tone in her voice, got through to Hollywood. Just minutes after the episode aired, stories of this girl being arrested possibly six times for drunken behavior and more surfaced on local TV news. Can you say drama? Let’s see what happens.

*Lauren Mink: A definite early favorite for me in the competition. With a pure, silky voice that sounds like a cross between Sugarland’s lead singer and Trisha Yearwood, and a beautiful spirit and persona (she runs a program for kids and awith Down Syndrome. How much more sugary sweet can you get than that?), this creature from heaven had one of the most gorgeous vocals I have heard in some time. Really like her a lot. They did too. Hollywood, baby!

As I mentioned earlier, Season 11 seems to have the judges all hopped up on happy pills. They just loooooved everyone that came through that fake blue door. EVERYONE! Each time someone exited, and the FEW times they said no to someone for Hollywood, you could hear J.Lo purring: “Awwww! I feel so bad! He was so cuuuute!” or other shmaltzy comments. A few of the contestants they put through to Hollywood should not have gone through, like Ashlee Altise, who was strange beyond strange and did not have the vocals to justify putting her into the next round. Then again, who the hell am I? Nobody, that’s who.

The stand-out audition in Savannah was a 20 year old redneck type named, of all things, Phillip Phillips. Now right there, that is a name that is just meant to be famous. It is so damn silly, it just has to be. This kid is just a down-home boy with a kick-ass talent and an acoustic guitar, and music in his soul. With his incredible versions of both “Thriller” and “Superstitious,” this kid had music literally flowing inside every pore of his body. It was as if the song was electricuting him as he sang. Hugely talented. A true natural. Born star.

PITTSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA:

*Heejun Han: Still can’t figure this dude out. His personality was so boring, dull, and bizarre before the audition, it was almost as if the producers told him to try and come across as a weirdo so that people would think he was going to have a terrible voice. (Reality TV? Using manipulation tactics? Naaaahhh!) Then, of course, when he sang, he surprised everyone with his very beautiful tone and gorgeous vocals. J.Lo called him “adorable!” and he got the Golden Ticket.

*Reed Grimm: 26 year old crazy, strange, out of the box wacky guy who came in and sang the theme song to “Family Matters.” Groovy, jazzy, great!

*Samantha Novacek: Weirdest audition ever. Didn’t even make any sense whatsoever. Samantha sang, pretty well, while her younger sister got in front of her and “planked” in order to help her. Um, how exactly does you lying across the floor like a lunatic HELP your sister sing? It was incredibly odd, and the judges pretty much ignored the loony sister and put Samantha through. Tyler wondered if the planking would continue into the next round. ODD.

*Erika Van Pelt: A mobile-DJ and wedding singer with a beautiful alto-rich voice; this girl sounded a lot like Carole King or Karen Carpenter. Loved her tone, and so did they. Excellent job.

*Hallie Day: A great famous name. A great compelling story. A high-school drop-out at age 15, Hallie became parentless and turned to drugs as a way to attempt to take her own life (drank a bottle of pills and ended up in the ER). Met her husband, who saved her, and encouraged her to audition for the show. Singing “I Will Survive” (of course), her incredibly strong and lovely voice belted through the hallways of Idol-land. Wonderful way to end the week of auditions.

There were many other highlights as well, such as Eben Franckowitz, Creighton Fraker, Brittany Kerr, and more. As the auditions continue, and the contestants become less and less in numbers, these reviews will get a lot more interesting and lot more funny (hopefully). Once we get into the Top 12, that is when things really start to get good. Let’s just hope there are some good contestants to mock this season. So far, it all seems very safe and lovey-dovey. I need some more drama in my Idol. If not, I will have to spend most of my time making fun of Seacrest (which is just fine with me).

Who were your favorites this week? Next week, we’ve got a special post-football episode, and then the usual two.  I will cover them all in my next review.  See you then, kids!

Season 11, Episodes 1-2: Savannah & Pittsburgh Auditions (originally aired January 18-19, 2012)

American Idol airs (usually) on Wednesdays/Thursdays at 8pm on FOX.

Follow @poptimal.  Follow @kelleyiskelley.  Read Kelley’s blog here.

For more American Idol coverage, click here.

Photographs courtesy of IMDbPro and FOX.

SAY NO Reveals A Secret Web Page Live

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of SAY NO. All opinions are 100% mine.

Hey Poptimal.com readers, it’s Ference from Poptimal.com’s the Jone Dome Podcast. 

I just heard that the rock band SAY NO has set up a secret website featuring seven tracks off their highly-anticipated album coming out in 2012.  If you haven’t heard of them, then you are missing out! 

They rock out house by mixing pop harmonies with high energy guitar riffs. That description not helpful?  Then think British rock legends like the Sex Pistols, Oasis, and Kasabian.

The great news is that if you follow the link below, like their page, and vote for your favorite song, you will receive a free copy of the initial single before it is officially released. Better yet, by voting you can win an iPad or $50 iTunes gift cards.

Follow this Link to this Secret Page

For more information or to schedule an interview with the band, please contact: theband(at)saynomusic(dot)com.

Morgan Freeman: Bath in a Casket shown on Golden Globes

Ricky Gervais 2012 Golden Globe Monologue

Thanks to Perez!

LG DoublePlay-ing The AMAs by Ference Blackstone

This post brought to you by LG DoublePlay™. All opinions are 100% mine.

As most of you know, hating is what I do; on the Jone Dome Podcast, (available at iTunes) in my articles on Poptimal.com, and of course in the Twitter-sphere.  I consider myself the most uppity pop culture hater east of the Mississippi and love to straddle the line between good taste and good snark. 

That is why I was so surprised Poptimal.com (@Poptimal) asked me to tweet the 2011 American Music Awards using the new LG DoublePlay™.   I must admit that at first I went all “Occupy LG” on Poptimal management.  But much like what even the most steadfast OWS supporter would do, they gave me a job and so I gave up the fight.  (But if I ever sell my soul like Jennifer Lopez did to Fiat, you have my permission to punch big mouth on sight) (Follow me on Twitter)

I use social media constantly and am perpetually texting every minute of the day to keep up with the rest of the Poptimal.com writers all over the country.  I am that relative that will annoy the crap out of you this Thanksgiving because he has a drumstick in one hand and a smart phone in the other, with cranberry sauce smeared across the screen.

Let’s cut to the chase.  Two different things stuck out in my mind about the LG DoublePlay™    from last night’s AMA coverage.

1.     The 2 Screens Made It Easy To Tweet and Find Celebrity Twitter Names At The Same Time

When you slide the phone open you see that the DoublePlay™ has two screens – a 3.5” main screen and at 2” subscreen.  This allowed me to perform two tasks at once.  Because the AMA was fast paced with celebrity presenters and performers running on and off stage, I needed to make sure that I had the celebrity’s twitter name to mention in my tweet.  I was able to go back in forth between each screen with ease.  It is like having two browsers open on a laptop. 

For instance, when Christina Aguilera came on stage, I wanted to tweet using my Hootsuite account:

“What Happened? Someone ate Christina Aguilera & is now performing in her dress. #AMAs @Poptimal”

But, I wanted to make sure that Christina and her fans saw it so was able to quickly text my fellow writer to find her Twitter name on the smaller screen.  That way my post came out:

“What Happened? Someone ate @TheRealXtina & is now performing in her dress. #AMAs @Poptimal” 

The whole thing took 1 min total, and my tweet-hating increased by 10 fold.

2.     My Sausage-Like Phalanges Didn’t Keep Me From Typing

As most of you know from the podcast, I have fatman fingers so thank God for the full slide-out QWERTY keyboard and Swype® for easy text input.  Now, I will complain that the autocorrect feature still sucks, but that is true with all cell phones.  But, it leads to some funny tweets, like this one:

  

In short, if you are as active on social media as I am, the LG DoublePlay™ is a good bet.  Go and check it out.

Now, here is some technical mumbo jumbo for you Frackers!

• The LG DoublePlay™ also comes with a 5-megapixel camera with LED flash and 720p HD video recorder, allowing users to capture and share pictures and videos via messaging, email or Facebook
• The device also offers multiple messaging options, including Cloud Text™ and Group Text™, giving users the ability to send and receive texts from a PC or tablet or create group chats on-the-go for faster, more efficient content sharing.
• LG DoublePlay™ features Android™ 2.3 (Gingerbread) with access to Android Market™ and delivers complete user customization with seven home screens and up to nine touchscreen shortcuts for one-touch navigation.

LOVEFiLM

Extra Services from LOVEFiLM

LOVEFiLM already has a lot going for it. One of the best and most flexible rental services available in the UK and across Europe, LOVEFiLM allows you to choose a payment plan that suits you, meaning that you rent whatever you want, whenever you want it, and don’t pay a penny in late fees.

However, their great services don’t start and end with film rental: you can also rent television shows and console games from the LOVEFiLM website, and even catch up on all the latest film news and
new releases.

LOVEFiLM’s rental packages work on a disc system rather than an individual film system. That means that when you choose a package, it doesn’t allow you a certain number of films per month, but a certain number of discs. That means that you can use this allotted number to include TV series, and if you pick a package that includes game rental, it can also include video game discs or cartridges.

But what LOVEFiLM has to offer isn’t all embodied in physical discs sent to you via the post. Recently, LOVEFiLM added the LOVEFiLM player to their site, an instant streaming service that allows you to watch films on your computer straight from the LOVEFiLM website. There is no need to download anything or mess around with installing software; you can literally stream over five thousand titles straight to your PC, PS3 or internet enabled TV to watch instantly.

You may realize that there is much more to LOVEFiLM than meets the eye! Exploring the website at http://www.lovefilm.com/ is a great way to see everything else that the service has to offer, including all the latest film reviews and releases in the Reviews section of the site. Whereas on other sites it can be difficult to find reviews and comments on older releases, the LOVEFiLM site maintains a huge archive of both staff and customer reviews, even of films which were releases many years ago. This means that you can just as easily decide whether to rent a retro James Bond flick with Sean Connery, or the most recent Daniel Craig outing, Quantum of Solace.

** This is a paid advertisement.  Neither Poptimal LLC, its agents, or associates make any claims or warranties regarding the above product.  Those claims are made solely by the advertiser.  As with anything, buyer beware.

Video: Green Lantern: The Animated Series Sneak Peek

Warner Bros. Animation unveiled the one-hour debut episode of GREEN LANTERN: THE ANIMATED SERIES in a world premiere screening during the show’s panel session at New York Comic Con today, Saturday, October 15. The one-hour special premiere airs Friday, November 11, at 7/6c on Cartoon Network.

Check out the first scene below:

Green Lantern comes to television in an all-new CG animated action series from world-renowned producer, artist and animator Bruce Timm (Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League). Based upon the DC Comics super hero, GREEN LANTERN: THE ANIMATED SERIES follows Earth’s Green Lantern, Hal Jordan, who is used to being in dangerous situations — but he’s never faced anything like this! Set in the farthest reaches of deep space, the series finds Hal on the Guardian Frontier, where he must face down an invasion from the Red Lantern Corps. Powered by pure rage, the evil Red Lanterns have sworn to destroy the Green Lantern Corps and everything they stand for. Dispatched on the experimental spacecraft The Interceptor, Hal is soon joined by an all-new group of heroes on a mission to protect Guardian Space — and the Green Lantern Corps itself!

Review: Simon Cowell Explodes with The X Factor

Watching the American premiere of Simon Cowell’s creation The X Factor is kind of like watching American Idol, back in the day when Idol was still Idol. Only better. I will straight out admit to being a huge Simon Cowell fan. I always have been. Love his honesty, brashness, hilarious insults, and his very real ability to find and market unique and raw talent. To me, he was the heart and soul of American Idol. Sure, the auditions were always funny as hell;  watching all the freaks and the people who can’t sing, but those auditions didn’t seem quite so fun last season, did they? Without Simon on the panel, we were left with no biting commentary. It was the “kinder, gentler Idol.” So what did Simon do? He did what Simon does best; he packed up his white tight t-shirt and his British moodiness and he got to work on bringing his hit British show over here to America, with a few important tweaks, of course.

Cowell is kind of an evil genius, if you think about it. Look at what he did. He took all the best parts of Idol, and brought them over to his new show; the first of those things being himself. Next, he did something incredibly smart – he went after Paula Abdul, and got her. So now we get that same magic and odd but undeniable chemistry of Paula vs. Simon, and we don’t even have to watch Idol to get it. And there’s more! Idol has Coke – The X Factor has Pepsi. Idol has annoying, douchey Seacrest. The X Factor has a slightly less douchey, less annoying dork named Steve Jones. Idol has Randy Jackson. The X Factor has L.A. Reid, who kind of sort of looks like a thin Randy Jackson. Idol has J. Lo. The X Factor has Nicole Scherzinger. (Who??? Right. Exactly. Apparently she is some sort of big-ass pop star that I have never heard of. To me, she just looks like a lost Kardashian.) Idol is on FOX. The X Factor is on FOX. Are you with me here? I’m telling you, Simon Cowell is a freakin’ genius.

So how is it different? There are a few things: 1: The prize for the winner, 5 million dollars and a recording contract with Sony, is the biggest amount of money awarded in reality-show history. 2: Contestants can be as young as age 12, and there is no age limit. 3: Contestants can audition as solo singers OR as a group. 4: The auditions take place in a huge arena, in front of a live audience. 5: The contestants will eventually be broken up into four different categories (Boys, Girls, Over 30, and Groups), and each judge will compete against each other to work with and mentor specific contestants.

There. I think that covers everything. Now let’s get right to the action, since the premiere felt the need to be FOUR HOURS long (2 shows, 2 hours each). The first two episodes covered auditions in Los Angeles, Seattle, Dallas, and Miami. So, there were quite a few acts, and quite a lot happened. If I covered all of it, I would die of old age typing this. Here are some of the highlights:

Up first was Rachel Crow, a 13 year old spitfire who reminded me of Janet Jackson when she was on Good Times. She sang “Mercy,” and her voice was way beyond her years. I do not understand how the hell this chick is only 13, as her vocals sound out of this world for that young age. Another standout performance came from 36 yr. old Tarrell Carter, who was extremely soulful and had a great personality.

Someone that completely baffled me was Siameze Floyd. First of all, what kind of name is that? Really? This dude came out all serious-like, and then his performance was all-over-the-place awful. He was a combination of Prince, James Brown, and El DeBarge, minus all of their talent. He screeched and danced around in a see-through shirt that showed way too much nipple; and he gyrated across the stage. Here’s the confusing part – they put him through! They also put through Simone Battle, 21, who was conceited, feisty, and downright annoying. I did not like this chick at all. People who show up with an  attitude automatically turn me off, especially when they don’t even have the talent it takes to back it up. If you are gonna be throwing around attitude all over the place, you better be pretty damn brilliant.

On the freak side of the coin, we had Dan and Venita, a very old married couple in their seventies and eighties, who wobbled their way through “Unchained Melody” as Simon openly laughed at them. A ridiculous performance. The woman looked like she had died 5 years ago but just forgot to lie down, and the guy looked like Richard Nixon’s great great grandfather, frozen in time. Simon called them “terrifying,” which was the perfect word to describe them.

Geo Goelley began in a silvery getup, and ended up half nude as he showed off his “X Factor” to the audience and judges. Yes, he wagged around his naked penis, causing Paula Abdul to become physically ill (really?) and leave the arena to be sick. Simon made me laugh with his comment of “What the bloody hell was that?” Exactly.

One of my favorite performances came from Marcus  Canty, whom the judges compared to both Usher and Bobby Brown. Singing Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish,” he danced and moved with such natural ability that it just made me smile watching him. A huge talent.

The Anser was one of the first groups that the show focused on, and they were quite good, consisting of 3 guys in their 20′s, singing together in beautiful harmonies and smokey voices. Enjoyed their act very much.

Another high point in the show came when 28 yr. old Chris Rene, a recent recovering drug-addict with a 2 year old son, rapped and hip-hopped (is that a phrase?) his way through a completely original song titled “Young Homie.” He reminded me of a very young Eminem. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he had a LOT of soul and grit to him, and I liked it. I wanted to see what he would do next. L.A. Reid told him “You are the truth.” Emotional performance and story.

And now back to the freak portion of the show: Ashley Sansone was an obvious whackjob from moment one when she wouldn’t shut the hell up and just kept talking and talking and talking, until the judges had to finally implore her to please stop speaking nonsense and SING already. Then it got worse, because her version of singing was pretty much a lot of yelling and screeching things that didn’t sound anything like real words. Not to be upstaged, the mother/daughter duo called Dreamgirlz turned out to be more of a nightmare as they screamed their way off-key through “Barracuda.” When the judges passed on them, their redneck, backwoods brother threw a little hissyfit backstage and started flipping out at all the cameramen and producers all classy-like. As if THAT will change anyone’s mind …

Jonny Rogers, who was dubbed “Barbie’s boyfriend Ken” by Simon, pretty much looked exactly like Barbie’s boyfriend Ken. With feathered, 1970′s blonde hair, a pink dress shirt, and a performance that involved a weird robot-like dance. I felt like I was on acid, and sitting in a gay dance club in 1979. Not to be outdone, Zander Alexander gave “asshole” a new name when he came out to the stage with severe attitude and limited talent. He was very bitchy, arrogant, and a total drama queen. At one point, Simon told him to “stop pretending to cry.” At another point, it looked as if they were going to put him through, but then the audience sort of booed him, and they thought better of it. Thankfully! One of the last shots on the show was of Zander sitting in the corner, after being turned away, fake crying. At least it looked fake to me. I am so glad they didn’t put that unappreciative jerk through. That kind of pompousness makes me so angry.

Dexter Haygood, who once toured with Hall and Oates and, at age 49, was looking for his last chance at fame, had a natural and wonderfully raw, raspy rock voice, that was tainted with just the right amount of pain and emotion. Caitlin Koch was a beautiful blonde rugby coach, with the voice to match. Her subtle delivery and soft yet strong vocals were gorgeous in a very understated way.

To me, the biggest standout of this first week was an 18 yr. old woman named Melanie Amaro. When she sang Beyonce’s  “Listen”, I got chills all up and down my arms, and tears came to my eyes. She was absolutely incredible, and I cannot wait to hear her sing again with her rich and pure tone.

There are so many more auditions that I didn’t cover here, as doing so would mean I would have to quit my job and do nothing but write this. So, who were some of your favorites? Least favorites? What do YOU think of The X Factor so far? It is very early to say just yet, but so far, I am liking it.

Season 1, Episodes 1-2 (originally aired September 21-22, 2011)

Read Kelley Lynn’s reviews of Dancing With the Stars and American Idol.

Hell’s Kitchen Review: Gordon Ramsay’s Diary

Tuesday, July 26th 2011

Dear Diary,

Ho-ly Shit. I cannot believe the plebs they have sacked me with this go-around. Every year I say to myself whilst looking into a mirror, “Gordo, do not sign onto another season of Hell’s Kitchen. It’s not worth it. You’re a ruggedly handsome, world-renowned, charming, accented, hugely successful-yet-down-to-earth Michelin star chef. Don’t give another restaurant to someone whose only culinary claim to fame is the ability to burn toast.” And yet, here we are. Back in L.A. to run another group of hopefuls through the meat grinder.

Over the past few weeks, the men’s team have absolutely taken the piss out of themselves, getting their asses handed to them by the ladies time and time again. Watching the Blue team in the kitchen is like seeing a clown car pull up and spill out with a horde of rabid chimps who proceed to destroy everything they touch and throw their shit at one another, but not before throwing it up to the pass for me to evaluate and serve to my customers. My God, Diary, it is bloody dismal. However, the drama with the ladies is worthy of an MMA bout. And while we’re on the subject, might I ask that they all just collect themselves, hop into some bikinis, and duke it out in a mud pit so we can please move the fuck on? Elise’s mouth runs so hot, so fast, that I’m shocked diarrhea hasn’t shot out of it yet. The attitude on the girl is absolutely relentless. Her most archest of nemeses, Carrie, was on the chopping block last week, but I kept her, not because she is a good cook, but because I owed a favor to the network to keep the drama unfolding. Why else would I have kept her around? Well guess what, Fox? It worked. I thought someone put an air raid siren in the dorms last night, but it was just the Red Team being as catty has humanly possible.

For this week’s challenge, I had the contestants get up close and personal with a truckload of chickens. The more chickens they caught in a hay-filled pen, the more ingredients they were able to use in the kitchen tonight. All the chefs took turns running around the pen in overalls, giving their best country bumpkin impersonation and they did it with a smile on their faces.

…..

 

So sorry about that, Diary. I was consumed with laughter thinking back to the whole ordeal. I kill myself sometimes. After the game, the teams split into pairs where they created chicken dishes using the ingredients that they won earlier. Of course, Carrie completely ruined one of her team’s dishes by serving it raw, just in time for my special guest judges, writers from People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly. The raw fried chicken was, of course, disgusting, which gave the Red Team an immediate disadvantage, though they were able to catch up quickly and tie it up. Miraculously, the Red Team pulled it out and off the back of the win, got to fly the coop and take in some Go-cart racing. The Blue Team did not fare as well as they prepped the kitchen for the night’s service.

Which brings me to the service. Good God, the bloody dinner service. Really though, it started during prep when Elise started running her mouth to one of my sous chefs. On top of that, each team had VIP guest Olympic athletes to serve for some added pressure. Of course, it didn’t take long for them to start unraveling and it didn’t take long after that for Monterray to start giving my other sous chef a ration of shit as well. In front of these Olympians, bastions of good sportsmanship, the blue team puts more energy into fighting than cooking which perfectly set the stage for Chino to completely ruin a Wellington by serving it raw. RAW! Not once, not twice, but THRICE. I couldn’t take it and finally told the blue team to fuck off upstairs. Red Team was not much better. It’s like we were in the middle of a volleyball match and I was the ball. And that’s all she wrote. I shut the Red kitchen down quickly after. It was absolutely pathetic. Nobody won and the best news I could dig out of the whole mess was that one of these meatheads would be going home.

When the teams returned for elimination, it was pretty clear who’s necks were to stick out: from Blue, Chino and Monterray; from Red, Carrie and Elise. The four stepped up and started to grovel in the hopes that it would be enough to continue their stay in the kitchen. But who to pick? Monterray totally shut down. Chino kept serving raw meat. Carrie is no stranger to constantly screwing the pooch. Elise is the biggest blowhard I’ve seen during my time with the show and guess what? The entire Red team wanted me to kick Elise to the curb. But I decided instead to send Chino home, because he simply could not cook.

I’m quite literally at a loss. Between the constant fighting and lack of skill, I’d be shocked if most of these “cooks” could competently make a frozen pizza. In fact, maybe that’s what the next challenge should be. I challenge them to stop acting like fucking mental patients and find the wherewithal to stare at an oven for twenty minutes. Or how about pouring kibble into a dog dish for my kids’ pet? There’s got to be something they can do other than under-cook my fucking Beef Wellington. I suppose only time will tell. I can only hope they improve because if they don’t, this may very well be the last Hell’s Kitchen ever.

Season 9, Episode 4: “14 Chefs Compete” (originally aired July 26, 2011)

Witness the culinary incompetence on Hell’s Kitchen, Monday and Tuesdays at 8/7c on FOX.

For another take on this episode, check out “Sears of a Clown” by Desiree Neall.

Images courtesy of FOX/IMDbPro

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